Told kids about the baby this morning. Tears and lots of questions. The one that took me aback the most was "why was God mad at our baby"? It would have been so much easier to have never told them anything. Their hearts may have been shielded but we would have missed an opportunity to go through this together as a family. They would have missed out on how to give thanks and remember that God is good even in the midst of heartache.
I'm weary of my own lamenting over my current lot in life. Loosing this sweet Costa Rica baby almost feels like the physical manifestation of all the emotional turmoil going on in our life. After reading the major and most of the minor prophets there seems to be something in the symbolism. There's never a good time to have a miscarriage and I trust that even in the midst of this mess the timing is part of God's graciousness.
Thankful to be able to cling to Jesus today.
For the blessing of being able to hold my precious Lilly Bit while going through the physical and emotional pain of loosing a baby God has been so gracious to me. I was reminded that many women experience the grief of period after period and miscarriage after miscarriage with no children or babies to snuggle. We have been so incredibly blessed.
For a beautiful day at the park together as a family and one of my children saying "this is the best time we've had together in awhile" The Lord has been gracious to us today.
By being known by precious friends The Lord has been gracious.
For people praying for us and our hearts The Lord has been gracious to us.
For a sweet friend yet again washing our laundry in the midst of a small flood in her own house The Lord has been gracious to us.
For a picture of my oldest with the precious daughter of beloved friends The Lord has been gracious to us.
For children who have fought with each other all day choose to serve each other and make books together The Lord has been gracious to us.
For the heart of a precious boy who worked so hard to make a picture of his family for his mommy and daddy because we lost the baby The Lord has been gracious to us.
Then I will go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 43:4-5 NIV)
At one point today I was ready I to scoop out the ashes from the fire pit and sit on them in the front yard. There has to be something so great with being able to connect and release raw emotion by tearing your clothes, sitting on ashes or wearing sack cloth. It also just gave people who didn't know you were grieving a heads up about where you are emotionally. No shallow "how's it going" with someone covered in ashes. No need to try to save face or fake it till you make it while wearing sake cloth.
At another point I was overwhelmed by how much I love God. It felt good today to run to Him today and hug Him around the neck knowing He's got this, every last bit of it. I'm His kid and He's holding me through all this even when I'm kicking and screaming. He can deal with my sin, he can deal with other people's sin and He can heal and restore. In the midst of the grief and not knowing how I will ever walk through certain doors ever again, he's got this. I don't know how all of this will come together or work out but I don't have to know. Frankly it's probably good I don't know. I do trust He will continue to provide for us, be gracious to is and walk through the fire and raging rivers with us.