Monday, October 13, 2014

DAY 1514: PS 13

Just read the saddest article about abortion. Oh how thick the veil is over some people's eyes. I truly hate the world my Brownies are going to have to navigate as adults. Lord give them a courageous passion for you.

A sweet friend heard about Baby Costa Rica and told me how she was mourning with me. I honestly haven't had much time to mourn given everything else. If I didn't have a picture as evidence of Baby CR I think it would be easy to pass off as some bizarre dream.  The grief will hit me eventually and probably when I least expect it.

Today has been a mix of anger and sorrow. I still can't believe we are in the middle of gross chaos. It's crazy how even on this side undeserved shame and guilt has crept in. It's as if we are being investigated. Oh how insidious all of this truly is. 

On the way home from coop I heard the song "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North. I've heard it approximately nine hundred million times but this time some of the lyrics actually caught my ear. 

This line caught me first:
Why are you still searching
As if I'm not enough

Sucker punch to the gut. I am looking for life outside of God. I'm searching for answers or comfort elsewhere. Actually it's less actual searching and more complete grasping at straws. I don't get any of this and the possible fallout seems incredibly unfair. Ugh. I hate using the word unfair. Life is unfair and the sooner we realize it the better off we are. I hate the fallout our family is experiencing from other peoples actions. It's as if we have done something wrong. The thing is if the immediate fallout is all that is experienced then praise God and to God be the glory. It's so complicated and the place were crimes were committed can cause unimaginable stumbling blocks. So many miracles need to be performed, some so much more important than others. God heal what can't be seen.

These lyrics were punch number two:
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

I know God is holding me and providing for me. I know this with all my heart. The problem is that I don't necessarily want the provision He may or may not offer. Aside from moving to Costa Rica no solution seems good to me. I'm angry that we are even walking this road. ANGRY! Every time I want to rage at God and demand to know why I already know the answer. He loves me and that's why. He loves my husband and my kiddo and my sweet family. He loves us more than we could ever imagine and He can see the big picture that we simply can't. I have two choices. I can fight the hands that are holding me or I can rest assured in them instead. Regardless of which I choose He will still love me and He will never stop holding me.

-for deeper conversations with a gal today at coop God has been gracious to me.

-for the precious giggles of two sweet precious baby girls God has been gracious to me.

-for breakfast that was provided for this morning God has been gracious to me.

-for six precious kids God has been gracious to me.

-for getting to see one of my kiddos celebrated today God has been gracious to me.

-for his love and never failing grace and faithfulness God has been gracious to me.

-for Jesus and abundant grace God has been gracious to me.

-for my hubs who I'm so incredibly thankful for God has been gracious to me. 

Ps 13:
This psalm starts off asking how long oh God? How long will you forget me and forsake me? 

In some ways these psalms have been hard to read. If I was dealing with a true enemy it would be easier. The blow would not be as sorrowful because it would be expected. I know ultimately the responsible party is the Enemy but it's hard to separate it all out.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me. (‭Psalm‬ ‭13‬:‭5-6‬ ESV)

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