Kinda over everything right now. Two quotes in things I read today stood out to me.
Tonight reading about the second ebola case contracted in the US the mayor of Dallas had this to say:
"It may get worse before it gets better," he said. "But it will get better."
I'm so emotionally drained right now. My hubs working where a crime has been committed against my kid is so horribly frustrating and emotionally draining. The situation in itself and being there for my kid and helping them to process everything is heart wrenching enough. Every day there seems to be salt poured in wounds. It will get better and that hope only comes from Jesus but living through the worst of it now is so wearisome.
And then I read this today from the Momma of a precious ten year old girl who has relapse for the second time with the worst kind of brain cancer.
And maybe living life fully is less about what we accomplish and experience and more about choosing to live where we are. Even in the barren wastelands of cancer we have no choice about. Even when the barer of the ugly is the most precious of 10 year old girls. And even when they have bravely walked it already 2 times before. It feels grossly unfair. And it is. And so are many other things this broken world has seen. And yet somehow I pray we will be able to live just where we are.
I want to get caught up in how unfair all of this is. Then I'm given this perspective. My kiddo doesn't have cancer and yet I know what my baby has experienced can be a cancer to the soul. I am over all of this and I don't want to live just where I am. I want to run aWay and flee from this nightmare as fast as I can. I can't do this and yet I know that HE can. I can't sort out all the emotions alone. A place that I have invested in so deeply has let me down in ways I never imagined that they could. The excuses cause my heart to grieve and want to never trust again. The Lord will redeem all of this but I'm having a hard time being okay with sitting in the pain of it all. It's so unfair. But God is still so incredibly good. I believe that even when I don't want to believe it.
God help us to live faithfully just where we are. Help us not try to run or escape. Help me to stop kicking and screaming and let you just carry me. Help us. Be gracious to us in our floundering and in our moments of despair.
But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. (Psalm 3:3 ESV)
Oh Lord be the lifter of my head!