What a crazy day full of crazy emotions. I feel as if I'm Jacob and the hip socket that was already messed up has been touched again. I'm a broken mess. Any illusion I had about having things together has been completely shattered. On one hand God seems like the author of cruel jokes and on the other He feels like the only hope that I have. I know God is good, I know that I know that I know this fact is true. Yet I feel as if internally I'm ying and yang. The battle between my flesh and the new creation that lives inside me are at complete odds with one another. That alone is so incredibly wearisome. This season is so incredibly painful. I want to fully and completely rest in Him but I know I keep grasping for control. It's so hard to be quiet and still when everything seems so messed up. Here's where the rubber meets the road. Do I really trust that The Lord will fight for us and that all we have to do is be still? Will I look at my lack of horses and chariots and respond out of fear or self protection?
Jesus I don't want to wrestle you but you are going to have to help me not fight. You are going to have to help me trust. I want to trust you. I want to let go of every illusion of control and surrender it all to you. I absolutely can not do that without your abundant help, grace and mercy.
Thankful for a cherished friend and her hearts. I so easily forget how much God loves me. Frankly it's hard to remember that in the midst of chaos especially when I'm kicking and screaming. When I cling to the knowledge that God loves me peace that surpasses all understanding washes over me. Everything else seems to pale in comparison.
This stuck out to me in the Daily Walk Bible Intro:
How abandoned are you to the will of God?
Obviously I'm not as abandoned to the will of God as I'd like to think. God's will for my life right now is to be right where I am. I do not want to be where I am. I want to find a loophole and get all of us out of this situation as fast as I possibly can. I want answers now and I'm not willing to wait. I want to go back or speed forward or do anything I have to do to just not stay here, right where I am. Yet God's will for me is to be quiet and still and to remain in Him. It's the easiest hardest thing He has called me to. I wouldn't say I'm handling it with full abandon.
Falling asleep. Long nights with the Bit catching up w/ me.