The days are still not normal yet. I've taken for granted the carefree days spent at the park for hours with nothing but soaring spirits, good conversation and time with my kiddos. Everything feels so incredibly tainted to me right now.
Tears were shed in a familiar bathroom today at place I never imagined would be so difficult to go to. I want to close my eyes and wake up and everything to be back the way that it used to be. It can't go back the same way that it was and I have to come to grips with that.
Still struggling with wanting to sin in my anger, self protect and fight for myself. Being quiet and still and waiting is so incredibly hard. It would be easier if I could just wear sackcloth and sit in a heap of ashes. There would be a visual window into the torn apart shreds of my heart.
It will get better. Light will break forth from the darkness. It will just never be the same again. I'm grieving the loss of so very much. Instead of a spirit of fighting I must walk humbly in a spirit of surrender. If I choose not to surrender and tackle this out of my own strength I will only make things harder on myself. God help me to cease striving. Help me to cease kicking and screaming. Woo my heart to a place of surrender. Help me to be okay to just sit in the midst of all the heartache and be where I am. Help me to forgive. Give me the courage to mend relationships that I don't want to mend. Give me the courage to walk whatever path you have set out for us in the end. Give me the strength to walk this journey in a manner that would honor and glorify you.
Thank you for beautiful weather.
Thank you for friends to talk to, to listen and to watch my Brownies.
Thank you for grace and compassion and reminding me that you love me and it doesn't matter what other people think.
Great reading the story of Jesus. I love people's story. Such greatness!
More thoughts on a discussion at the park later.