I'm in a foul mood right now. Sick of myself and consuming so much time talking about me. Tired of battling my flesh. Flat out weary tonight. I'm tired of being angry, I'm tired of feeling grief, I'm tired of confusion and chaos and conflict. Hate that the f bomb is back in my repertoire tonight. I'm ready to get off this merry go round from hell. I'm sinking in the water tonight. I'm so weary.
I read a beautiful post today from a momma who will probably watch her precious daughter die from cancer. In her sorrow and pain and search for answers the answer is her baby will be restored someday. This is not the end of the story. There is no explanation for hope like that other than Jesus. There's no other explain action for how this family is able to handle this lot in life other than Jesus. Tonight I am not handling my lot in life very well. The emotional spikes can be hard to navigate through.
1. Thankful for matchy matchy pj's.
2. Thankful for snuggling a baby girl who slept better last night.
3. Thankful to witness a beautiful scene unfold between two of my boys as one overcame evil with good. Seriously one of the most amazing things that I've witnessed in this house.
4. Thankful for a boy who requested the bible be read to him. Earlier he told me he thought it was boring and I told him I hope he would change his mind someday and I listed the many valuable reasons for reading the bible. The kid heard me and his heart is willing.
5. Thankful to watch the above kid lead out today and get a task done. Love that kid and thankful to be able to understand him more.
6. Thankful for friend's who are willing to listen to me rant and rave but who I know won't let me stay there and who are willing to point out a different perspective.
7. Thankful for queso.
8. Thankful for the Taco Joint.
9. Thankful for hope that can be found in even the darkest of places because of Jesus.
10. Thankful to know that I can't fight my flesh on my own. Someday so can but most days I just can't manage to be "good" enough. The standard so exceeds anything I would be capable of. Thankful I'm accepted exactly how I am. Thankful I don't have to strive to be somebody I can't be without Jesus.
I believe this I really do:
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 100:5 NIV)
I'm struggling to put my kid up on the altar. I feel as if The Lord has touched my hip socket. I'm limping and I want to place my kid in your hands but this feels like such a low blow. I have to trust that you are going to heal the cancer that can't be seen and trust you if you choose not to. My fear is that you won't.