Wednesday, December 31, 2014
2. Afternoon of running around has me exhausted but ended the year with a bang at Chuy's! Thankful for gift cards!!
3. Churning on goals for next year. Trying to be more realistic so I can actually accomplish some of my goals. I don't want to make "resolutions" that are merely chains of shame and guilt but I do want to be thoughtful and think of things I can be vigilant about so that I can become more of who God created me to be. I do want to look back next year and see I've gone up and to the right.
4. Off to bring in the new year with family shenanigans.
5. Thankful to be almost done with 2014. It's been a heck of a year. Hopeful for what 2015 will bring.
Interesting this proverb starts off with talking about not taking strong drink. Thankful I will wake up tomorrow sober. There were many years that was not the case.
These are verses to reflect on as I think about next year:
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. (Proverbs 31:26-27 ESV)
Happy New Years!
So thankful for this time off with my hubs. Thankful for His saints that have been praying for us. This break has been much needed and so good for our family. God has been so gracious to us and has provided manna in so many unexpected ways.
Hate the sorrow that this world can contain. Hate it even more when a friend has to walk in it. Jesus come quickly.
2 P 3:
Overall this chapter is grim for those who choose not to follow Christ. Pride and arrogance are so foul and yet I know I can reek of both. Hate that and yet I'm so thankful for His mercy, grace and salvation. I have no clue why The Lord has shown me kindness and mercy that I don't deserve. While I was still a rebellious sinner and giving Him the one finger salute He bestowed such mercy and love to me. He plucked this wayward rebellious child from the pit of hell and yet I still choose to be prideful. His endless mercy never ceases to amaze. Even with grace upon grace I still dare to square off with Him and ask an angry why. Even then He bestows upon me endless mercies and is gracious to me. How dare I ever be foolish enough to cast a stone at another and yet I do. Wrecked by His vast amounts of endless love and mercy towards me tonight.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Despite not putting forth a stellar Christmas effort several minions said it was the best Christmas ever! I think I hear that almost every year and that makes my heart happy. Thankful we aren't trying to out do the year before every year and the kids are content to every year being a bit different but with the same rhythms.
Last night my hubs told me he was asked about why I was asked to leave the service yesterday by another person on staff. He and his family had sat behind us and they didn't understand why I was asked to leave and they were upset about it. Those words meant a lot. I guess there's part of me that wonders if I'm crazy making for myself. I told the usher it was going to be a bigger disruption to leave the service than to stay. I was spot on as Bunny started screaming as we left which got the baby started. I can't help but think that there is a reason for all of this and it's much bigger than me. Until things are crystal clear I'll keep walking forward the best that I can. God's hand is on all of this and all I can do is wrap my heart around the truth that God is Sovereign. There's much peace in knowing that.
because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace." (Luke 1:78-79 ESV)
Beautiful. Thankful He guides our feet into the way of peace!
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
I prayed today that the littles would cooperate. It's not out of the realm of possibility. It feels like God is trying to push us out. I know I could be completely wrong but if He is indeed Sovereign over everything things have been anything but easy. I know God is at work. I know all of this will not be in vain. I just don't possibly see how this can end up going well. I can't see anything past the pain though.
Today despite the tears I'm thankful for sweet friends who aren't afraid to hug in the middle of the mess. We have been richly blessed with great friends. Reminded tonight of God's provision in cinnamon rolls by a sweet family. May seem silly but added to more tears just knowing God does have all of this and He will continue to provide even things like cinnamon rolls because He cares.
I'm ready for this stupid painful Christmas to just be over. I hate that I feel that way. I know it could be worse and it makes me feel like a brat.
He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. (Isaiah 40:11 ESV)
And Mary said, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word." And the angel departed from her. (Luke 1:38 ESV)
Being the Mother of Christ did not come without hardship and struggle. It was hard right out of the gates. I can only imagine what everybody thought. There was a point in time when even Joseph didn't understand. When you are a servant of The Lord you don't just cling to what is easy and comfortable. You don't just choose the path that seems as if it will cause less pain. You are obedient to whatever The Lord places in front of you. #dangit
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
2. Lunch thing for staff and family today. I wish things were the same but they aren't. Such a thick sadness around everything still. Hoping a new campus will help with the sting and the ghosts that still linger.
3. We asked our boy if he was okay today. He said he was glad to be at church since his old teacher wasn't there. The ache is searing.
4. Made treats and caroled around our street. I was such a turd. They worked so hard on cards for the neighbors, had a great attitude about making treats that they couldn't eat and I was a big fat turd. I wish I had handled their childishness with love and grace. I saw the look twice on one of my kid's faces, a crushed spirit. Hate that so much.
5. Hard day with fun and sweet moments mixed in.
6. Sad to be doing another Christmas Eve solo especially without the carrot on a stick of extended time off together afterwards. So many families do this every year. Need to find my happy heart.
7. Honestly I'm scared I'm going to screw up tomorrow like I did this afternoon. I'm so tired and such a big grumpalumpa. Thankful to have friends to go to the service with tomorrow.
8. Feel like I've dropped the ball with my neighbors. Overall I feel like a big suck wad tonight. Thankful for the reminder of Christmas and the Baby Jesus that has set this suck wad free.
In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. (1 John 4:9 ESV)
Thankful for the reminders of this today.
1. Jesus will help me fight against sin.
2. Forgiveness of my sin gives me hope to continue to fight the good fight.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Longest trip to Target EVER! Lost a kid and had a fun parental heart attack. Good times.
Waffle House and lights tonight. A bit wheels off but so are most things that we do. What's a family tradition without some chaos?
1 Peter 3 & Advent:
Another great chapter full of conviction. Ouch.
Love these verses:
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. (1 Peter 3:8-9 ESV)
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Three little Brownies sawing logs on my bed. Thankful for these sweet ones.
1 Peter 2 & Advent:
1 peter might just move up into the ranks of favorite books. Every single verse is heavy and weighty and encouraging.
So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. (1 Peter 2:1 ESV)
This is so much easier said than done. Put away ALL malice, ALL deceit, hypocrisy, envy and ALL slander. When I look at this list I have distain towards it. It's gross and I want to deprecate myself from it and not be associated with it. I want to pat myself of the back and congratulate myself for abstaining from such sin. Yet this isn't reality. It's deceitful. I am this list. I've done every single one of these things and very possibly all of them in the past 24 hours. Without Jesus, without Christmas I am nothing but a morally bankrupt scumbag. But because of Jesus I am part of a royal priesthood. As I write that, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever in the eyes of this world. This is one of the many things I love about God is that He takes the ways of this world and flips it upside down.
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9 ESV)
Thank you for plucking me out of the darkness and drawing me into your marvelous light.
Feel sorry for my hubs. Not much of a fun date these days. I know the nights of compromised sleep are not helping a thing. A sweet but shrill child screamed off and on several times an hour all night till after 4am. Maddeningly sanctifying.
Spent part of the evening dreaming of Missoula, Montana. Life is too short to stay in this ugly city forever. Missoula sounds like a wonderland made for a crazy family like us. Montana keeps singing its siren song to us. Now if only we can figure out how to either move Montana to us or convince our favorite people to come with us. Dreaming of one day experiencing real seasons and a White Christmas.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Advent & Titus 3
Be ready for every good work. That's easy enough right?
Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. (Titus 3:1-2 ESV)
I can think of ways I haven't acted this way towards my own family. Lord you have lavishly poured out your Holy Spirit, help me to walk in the Spirit more and more every day.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Jesus took our nature in Bethlehem, to die our death in Jerusalem, that we might be fearless in our city. Yes, fearless. Because if the biggest threat to my joy is gone, then why should I fret over the little ones? How can you say (really!), "Well, I'm not afraid to die but I'm afraid to lose my job"? No. No. Think!
If death (I said, death!—no pulse, cold, gone!)—if death is no longer a fear, we're free, really free. Free to take any risk under the sun for Christ and for love. No more bondage to anxiety.
If the Son has set you free, you shall be free, indeed!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Thankful to see a sweet friend from China!!! Oh how I've missed her. Tonight barely scratched the itch though and I long for heart felt conversations on a comfy couch. Maybe a slumber party is in order while she is in town.
I think it's safe to say that I most definitely have the funk, the heart kind. I feel lost and directionless. Yet I know my God is with me in the lonely sad quiet places. I know there is purpose for this season. God has been ever so gracious during this season. God is so good even when the days do not feel that way.
Titus 1 and Advent.
Thankful some of my anxiousness from days previous has subsided. Thankful today I can except what today is going to be. Thankful to embrace not having to make every Christmas as magical as the North Pole. I do want my children to learn how to embrace the days as they come and give thanks for simple graces that we are bestowed and not miss beauty of the simplest joys in life.
Today I'm thankful for crispier weather that makes my heart giddy.
Thankful that the bribe of a dollar can get somewhere with my children.
Thankful to not be irritated or stressed by the massive build up of clean and dirty laundry piles everywhere.
Thankful to take the gift of today for what it is. I'm sad to say this isn't the habit of my life.
I'm thankful for six healthy wonderful children.
Thankful for a husband who has the most handsome boyish curls and whose brown eyes often sparkle with playful mischief. He is a gift and I take him for granted daily.
Thankful for Jesus, the small babe that took the world by storm humbly.
Thankful for the life of Paul. His writing and his story has always been such an inspiration and encouragement to me.
Thankful for the amazing ladies I will get to dine with tonight. Body of Christ in action. It gets me choked up every time I think about it.
Thankful for the bible translated in my language. I do take that for granted and I shouldn't. May my love for God's word grow to be insatiable.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and will break
In blessings on your head.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Thankful for good health today. As I laid by my Bunny's side today and stroked her feverish little forehead I couldn't help but think about the parents of children with terminal illnesses. I couldn't help but think about the parents who will lay beside their little ones today and stroke their child's forehead knowing they will never get better this side of heaven. We have been blessed with good health. It's a treasured gift that I often take for granted. It's a gift I'm not guaranteed to have tomorrow either. So for today for this precious gift of today amidst the flu jungle I give thanks to God.
Friday, December 12, 2014
This 3 day weekend is definitely not panning out to be what I had hoped. If I'm honest I'm pretty hacked about that. A weekend on the mend is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm just kinda over life pooping on me. I know my joy and contentment should not be wrapped up in my circumstances. Still much room for grow. If I'm honest this weekend isn't the source of my frustration and sadness. I'm sad that I'm more content to be at home than at a party I looked forward to year after year. I was tore up the year we missed when Bella was born and had to miss. This year when I think about it all I see is missing a party that doesn't represent the same thing it once did. I see yet one more thing that's become tainted.
I'm glad things are changing. I'm encouraged by action taking place yet with each change comes the deep sting of knowing the true weight of the cost of the change that's happening. I just don't know if I can be fully on board the same way I once was. That in itself has caused a large part of my funk. I feel very much displaced. I feel like I've lost my place and my view of Christ's Bride has been incredibly tarnished. I hate all of this. There's so many painful layers and this mess feels like it will never be fully sorted out. This is why I need Christmas so desperately this year. I need to remember that God brings forth hope in the most unexpected of places. Out of the heap of rumble can come the most beautiful of things.
Tonight I'm reminded that perspective is a powerful thing. A gal I highly respect and have looked up to over the years is about to go through round two of her battle with breast cancer. Her and her husbands first thoughts went to their son. How will he be affected by all of this? When I've placed myself in these types of situations in my mind my thoughts are the same. How would my death negatively impact the lives of my six sweet ones? There are so many painful things I know my children will endure yet I would love for them to avoid some of the big ones. I feel like in many ways one of my kiddos got hit square in the face with one of the big ones I would have loved for them to avoid. It's in the searing pain of these moments that either you are able to stand firm in God's goodness despite the many questions or not.
God I can not imagine hearing the words "the cancer is back". I don't even have the right words to say but I do know that you weep with us and you have wept with this precious family. Be gracious to them in the upcoming days of God. Continue to be gracious to me as I struggle with questions about the future for our boy, for our family and for my heart. I know I have not walked this road with grace or humility but I do pray that as the journey of life continues to unfold I would learn to do better at both.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1 ESV)
Paul's situation is dicey yet it's clear that God had worked out even the littlest of details of Paul's life to work according to the Lord's glory. This gives me hope and comfort tonight. Paul is my hero for sure
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Very much aware of my desperate need for the hope of Christmas this year. The hope of the Messiah who can bring beauty from ashes and order from chaos. My heart longs for the celebration of the lowly and humble King of Kings born into the most unexpected of circumstances. It's in the unexpected that He meets us here on this broken earth and offers us salvation. Lord help me to prepare my heart for the Baby King whose hope I cling to desperately.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Fell asleep during a family movie and woke up feeling extra special. My turn to ride the virus train I guess. No fever as of yet so I consider myself lucky so far. Thankful to be in bed.
Acts 21 & Advent
Paul is amazing. More tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 09, 2014
Breaking out of my grump for just a moment a realize I have much to be thankful for. I have a sweet sick hubs who tried to serve my grumpy butt despite feeling gross tonight. I had a fun adventure today with my oldest and another fun crew. Thankful for the hands that watched my littles and hosted a birthday party so I could go do a big kid thing. The play we saw was great too. Good for my own Scrooge heart. Too bad it didn't last very long. The weather was beautiful today.
My poor Lil Bit is definitely a fevery mess tonight. Poor sweet girl think she got hit with two bugs at once. Better wrap this up and hit the hay. Could be a long night.
So much in the last chunk of Acts 20. Tonight dwelling on this verse:
serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials that happened to me through the plots of the Jews; (Acts 20:19 ESV)
Paul was obedient despite the hardship that was caused by his obedience. Need this to sink deep and penetrate the very depths of my hearts. In this life we will have trouble. It's learning how to rejoice in The Lord always despite circumstances!
Needed this for my grumpy buns tonight.
Monday, December 08, 2014
Hubster took the day off and it was a good laid back day together as a family. So thankful for days like today. So thankful for the blessing of my spunky little three year old. She is a constant reminder that God's ways and His plans are so much better than my own.
So much going on here and not enough brain power to unpack it all. In the first section though what stuck out to me most is how Paul encouraged the believers where ever he went.
When he had gone through those regions and had given them much encouragement, he came to Greece. (Acts 20:2 ESV)
Need to dwell on what it means to be an encourager of others. Such a fantastic quality.
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Sunday, December 07, 2014
3. My Bunny turned three today. Can't handle it! Three years ago my framework of children was flipped upside down forever. Can't imagine not having this sweet sassafras in our family.
Oh my head . This verse caught my attention the most both nights I read this.
This continued for two years, so that all the residents of Asia heard the word of the Lord, both Jews and Greeks. (Acts 19:10 ESV)
Paul is faithful despite what his circumstances might be. I need more of this!
Saturday, December 06, 2014
My oldest was aware for the first time of my hubs and I getting crossways. I don't know how she's missed it before but she confessed it made her feel scared and sad. Lead to good refresher conversations about marriage and our commitment to each other. The hubs and I are good by the way and honestly thankful for the moments our kids do get to see us sideways.
Will be back to this tomorrow but brain shot. Such a great chapter though. Oh sinful human nature versus human nature controlled by the Spirit, such a stark contrast!
Friday, December 05, 2014
The Nest today. Well oiled machine. It's amazing what the Body of Christ can do. Incredibly thankful for the hands that served little ones so Momma's could hear the speaker.
First time I've heard or seen the speaker since a difficult meeting. I'll be honest I avoided him and yet got caught in a hall with him. Thankful he was on the phone and couldn't say more than hi. I do trust his heart and I do need to have hard conversations that I'm confident he'll respond to with grace. Words were said today that did touch a very sore spot. God has been so faithful but I need Him to continue to perform miracles. Some have already been performed and for that I'm thankful. I do continue to pray for even more.
Thankful to be holding a sweet little baby girl tonight. Nothing in this world will matter as much as the time and energy we invest in these little ones and big ones as parents.
Phone about to die.
Advent devo. Great. Once again opened a world I never thought about. I heart Piper.
Love the brotherly love that went on in the beginning church. There's no agenda to be the head dude. Instead they all encourage each other to just speak the Gospel.
Thursday, December 04, 2014
Wednesday, December 03, 2014
And we must not forget that he said, "He who would come after me must deny himself and take up his cross."
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
Monday, December 01, 2014
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