Friday, December 12, 2014

DAY 1574: Advent

Thankful to say my lay down and moan bug has downshifted to feels like a cold. Fever broke in the three of us who caught the dreaded kinda flu bug. Definitely felt awful like flu for a good 24-36 hrs but since it was so short lived I'm now not convinced it was indeed influenza. Maybe we just got lucky. The Bit was definitely down for days. Thankful to be thankful to be living tonight. Last night being alive felt so horrible.

This 3 day weekend is definitely not panning out to be what I had hoped. If I'm honest I'm pretty hacked about that. A weekend on the mend is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. I'm just kinda over life pooping on me. I know my joy and contentment should not be wrapped up in my circumstances. Still much room for grow. If I'm honest this weekend isn't the source of my frustration and sadness. I'm sad that I'm more content to be at home than at a party I looked forward to year after year. I was tore up the year we missed when Bella was born and had to miss. This year when I think about it all I see is missing a party that doesn't represent the same thing it once did. I see yet one more thing that's become tainted.

I'm glad things are changing. I'm encouraged by action taking place yet with each change comes the deep sting of knowing the true weight of the cost of the change that's happening. I just don't know if I can be fully on board the same way I once was. That in itself has caused a large part of my funk. I feel very much displaced. I feel like I've lost my place and my view of Christ's Bride has been incredibly tarnished. I hate all of this. There's so many painful layers and this mess feels like it will never be fully sorted out. This is why I need Christmas so desperately this year. I need to remember that God brings forth hope in the most unexpected of places. Out of the heap of rumble can come the most beautiful of things.

Tonight I'm reminded that perspective is a powerful thing. A gal I highly respect and have looked up to over the years is about to go through round two of her battle with breast cancer. Her and her husbands first thoughts went to their son. How will he be affected by all of this? When I've placed myself in these types of situations in my mind my thoughts are the same. How would my death negatively impact the lives of my six sweet ones? There are so many painful things I know my children will endure yet I would love for them to avoid some of the big ones. I feel like in many ways one of my kiddos got hit square in the face with one of the big ones I would have loved for them to avoid. It's in the searing pain of these moments that either you are able to stand firm in God's goodness despite the many questions or not.

God I can not imagine hearing the words "the cancer is back". I don't even have the right words to say but I do know that you weep with us and you have wept with this precious family. Be gracious to them in the upcoming days of God. Continue to be gracious to me as I struggle with questions about the future for our boy, for our family and for my heart. I know I have not walked this road with grace or humility but I do pray that as the journey of life continues to unfold I would learn to do better at both.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. (‭Hebrews‬ ‭11‬:‭1‬ ESV)

Acts 22-23:
Paul's situation is dicey yet it's clear that God had worked out even the littlest of details of Paul's life to work according to the Lord's glory. This gives me hope and comfort tonight. Paul is my hero for sure


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