Saturday, January 31, 2015

DAY 1623: EXODUS 35-40

Thankful for my sweet hubs who let me nap for hours today. I could crawl back in bed right now and be so happy. Thankful to be snuggling on the couch and hearing the laughter of sweet boys over a classic movie. Thankful yesterday the pukey feeling was absent. Paying the piper today but thankful for a great day yesterday with my girl.

Exodus 35-40:
Bezalel is kind of a rockstar. He was one serious craftsman! Pretty sweet to see how God used the different parts of the body to accomplish the work set before them.

D

Friday, January 30, 2015

DAY 1622: EXODUS 32-

After you read an update about a sweet ten year old girl and her battle with cancer it's hard to think about much else other than gratitude. Overcome even more so now with thanksgiving over spending the day with my amazing eight year old. Almost completely lost it at lunch as I realized that next month she will be nine. She is such a remarkable young lady and I'm so thankful for the gift of her. I'm so thankful for each of these sweet ones. Oh how every one of them is so sanctifying and such an immense blessing. Thankful for the gift of today and being able to watch them grow up! 

Even more convinced of wanting to get my girls out of this city today. I know materialism is everywhere but it feels extra cancerous here. I am thankful the crowd we run around with is also abstaining from most of the stuff we are but the majority of people are not. My oldest girl is naturally bent to desire for materialism. The things she loves are super fun and she can even use her desire for super girlie things to bless. It also can be a really slippery slope. I do love that she would rather have her brothers and sisters than all the junk in the American girl store. She's got such an amazing heart. Lord capture her heart. Don't allow satan to sell her a cheap substitute that will never satisfy. Help me to continue to root out my own idols God. Help open my eyes to the ways I've traded you for a cheap substitute. 

Have some ideas rattling in my head about Sabbath. Need to flush them out with my hubs but I really think it's doable. It will however require planning and a stance against procrastination. Both are not my strong suits but what a beautiful way to grow in both. I feel it in my bones that ignoring the Sabbath has caused our souls to grow weary and that by being faithful to observe it would bless us in unimaginable ways.

Exodus 32-34:
Just reading the title of the beginning of chapter 32 grieves my heart. Oh how much heartache we cause our Father. How easily we forgot who He is and turn towards useless idols. I'm grieved over how much this must grieve our Father and I'm grieved that I'm guilty of the exact same thing. God doesn't answer immediately or He doesn't erase the pain immediately and I run to other things to give me temporary relief instead of just sitting in it with my Dad. I question His goodness and whether He loves me even though I've seen Him show me over and over just how much He loves, just how good He is and how faithful He is even when I'm not. It was so much easier to read the OT when I could point my finger at the Israelites and wonder why they were so foolish. I'm just as foolish and stiff necked as they are. 

I adore chapter 33. The sweet intimate relationship Moses had with The Lord is inspiring and beautiful. I want more of that. 

Inside the Tent of Meeting, the LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. Afterward Moses would return to the camp, but the young man who assisted him, Joshua son of Nun, would remain behind in the Tent of Meeting. (‭Exodus‬ ‭33‬:‭11‬ NLT)

Love this verse. There is such greatness in this chapter. Moses desire to fully know The Lord. The Lord's kind and tender relationship with Moses. God desires that with me too. It's mind blowing. 

The LORD replied, "I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you." (‭Exodus‬ ‭33‬:‭14‬ NLT)

This makes me think of this verse:
It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones. (‭Psalms‬ ‭127‬:‭2‬ NLT)

Really chewing on this concept of rest. 

This sums up so much:
Then the LORD came down in a cloud and stood there with him; and he called out his own name, Yahweh. The LORD passed in front of Moses, calling out, "Yahweh! The LORD! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected— even children in the third and fourth generations." (‭Exodus‬ ‭34‬:‭5-7‬ NLT)

How good is our God? God may my babies know this full well about your character. Will you please reveal yourself to them and give them soft and humble hearts.

Love that Moses face was radiant after speaking to The Lord. What a beautiful reminder that we were created to reflect the glory of God.

D

Thursday, January 29, 2015

DAY 1621: EXODUS 28-

So thankful to have felt human enough to get out in this weather today. Half of our crew is asleep already so today at the park is the gift that keeps on giving. Thankful for friends to chat with and a thoughtful friend who made us dinner and took the time to make a really sweet note. We have been richly blessed by some amazing people in our lives.

Feeling like I could scratch off my face tonight and pukey but nothing Benadryl and hopefully a piece of chocolate cake can't fix. Hoping to have enough energy to live off of the couch tomorrow so my big girl and I can enjoy her eight year old day away. Looking forward to spending the entire day with just her. Four brownies out, just two to go!!! It's a Heights Park miracle.

Exodus 28-31:
If I was Moses I would be completely overwhelmed by the explicit details of the Lord's instructions. Reading about the sacrifices is fascinating and yet gruesome all at the same time. Blood had to be everywhere. What a visual picture of the cost of our sin. 

So sweet to see God's provision in providing a master craftsman and an assistant to make sure all the instructions and details of the tabernacle are carried out. God can and will call us to big tasks and yet He is faithful to provide provision for us to carry out what He calls us to do. By no means does that mean life is easy street while we complete the tasks He sets before us . He is willing to equip us in everyday faithfulness as well as for the bigger asks. Thankful that He is such a loving and caring Father.

Hit in the gut again with the concept of Sabbath. Every time I sit in the OT is impossible to ignore how serious The Lord is about the Sabbath. There's no getting around this verse:

The people of Israel must keep the Sabbath day by observing it from generation to generation. This is a covenant obligation for all time. (‭Exodus‬ ‭31‬:‭16‬ NLT)

How good is God that He would command that we rest knowing that we are a bunch of idiots who won't rest. The idea of observing a Sabbath seems easier now in a lot of ways. The question for me continues to remain: what is this supposed to look like? God is pretty clear about the importance of observing the Sabbath. So should our Sabbath look more like an OT Sabbath or do we have more freedom than that? How does all the work that goes into a typical modern day church service play into all of this? There has been so much churn rattling around in my head about so many things. I think ultimately I wonder how am I supposed to live this life in this world surrounded by an alien culture without being sucked into it? I know God desires us to be set apart BUT how do we do that? I see how Christianity sets us apart in some ways and I gotta be honest I don't like what I see and often times I don't want any part of it. How do we live like modern day Daniel's? How do we live like Jesus, like Paul, like the disciples and the apostles? There are many things about the Law that seems completely overwhelming but at least they had a blue print. Technically I have a blueprint. Thank God I have a blueprint! 

I want people to know I am way more messed up than they would ever imagine and I'm crazy thankful for His never ending love and grace. It's because of that I don't want to be a shitty representative of who I follow. I want to obey you God even when it's difficult because of your freakish love for me. I mess it up every single damn day. That only makes me want to love you even more God. God help my kids get the reason why I so desperately desire to follow you. May others around me get that too. May I stop being an idiot who says stupid stuff like "praying you up" but rather just stop right then and there and pray. I don't want to be an idiot parrot full of stupid catch phrases I just want to be a humble servant who puts others first and loves like crazy even when it's incredibly painful and it comes at a high price. 

Speaking of love I've been feeling Baby Cupcake move more frequently. I think I've guarded my heart out of fear over this baby. I think loosing Baby Costa Rica and feeling unworthy and guilty of Baby Cupcake in light of losses of people I love dearly has caused me to wall off my heart. I wish self protection wasn't my easy go to. 

I am a complete and utter mess and I'm thankful I'm growing to be more and more okay with that.

D

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

DAY 1620: EXODUS 25-27

I'm a miserable grumpy troll. I need to just stop trying and give into the couch wholeheartedly. I need to have my children wait on me hand and foot, fill up my ginger ale and feed me sour candy all day long. Then I could crawl into bed at 6pm wearing a winter parka because I'm currently cold intolerant. Maybe then I wouldn't be a whiney grumpy apathetic troll.

Thankful for a sweet friend who stopped by today. Needed that. Thankful for beautiful weather but frustrated that all I wanted to do all day was crawl into bed. Such a waste of a beautiful day. Thankful that my inner grump didn't keep me from enjoying my brownies today. I live in a total nuthouse but I am so thankful for the chaos makers that live here with me. One of the reasons why I'm frustrated about being frustrated about feeling like poo. It's totally worth it. I know this! Just as I watched my littlest stubbornly try to put on her shirt this evening I am so darn stubborn. I don't want to ever embrace seasons like this and just take them for what they are. I spend more energy kicking against the stupid goads. Stubborn piece of wonderful work. Thankful that Jesus is so patient!

Fastest way to melt a grumpy trolls heart? Sweet toddler kisses.

Exodus 25-27:
The details of these chapters are pretty overwhelming for me. I can't picture it in my head and it all gets lost in a jumble. I am reminded of God's holiness and his desire for us to be holy too. This kid needed that reminder today.

So very thankful that God is in the business of details AND the big picture.

D

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

DAY 1619: EXODUS 21-24

Felt whooped all day. Hate days like this. I want to go fight win but my body was not cooperating one bit. Looking forward to crawling into bed.

Exodus 21-24:
Never caught that God had sent an angel to go with them into the Promise Land.

God is serious about His people being set apart.

Rumbling tummy. Brain broken.

D

Monday, January 26, 2015

DAY 1618: EXODUS 19-

I'm so tired I physically feel ill. I'm positive the gianormous piece of cake I shoved down my throat has not contributed to this feeling of sick at all. Good day but long day. First day back to co-op. My kids love it and I'm so thankful for this opportunity for them. It was fun leading a group of teenagers today. Years later and I still love punk teens. Really itching to teach a bible class. Will have to wait till next spring if at all but excited about being able to work with teens again even if it is different. 

Surprise party for my neighbor went really well. She cried. Thankful for the opportunity to love her and be blessed by her friendship. Thankful for the margin and brain space to pull off a small party for her. Thankful for my hubs who was a rock star today!! Thankful for another neighbor who I could count on to hold me accountable to following through on the idea. We both thought of it and unfortunately she came down with the flu. However, very clear God wanted our sweet friend to be loved on this birthday! I pray she would never spend another birthday alone or in lonely places. 

Ex 19-20:
Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the peoples on earth; for all the earth belongs to me. (‭Exodus‬ ‭19‬:‭5‬ NLT)

I love that He considers us his own special treasure. I haven't any idea as to why but I'm thankful for His rich and vast love for us!!

Reminded that God is serious about His people observing the Sabbath and it's not just about church on Sunday. Help us figure this out God. 

Fading.
D

Sunday, January 25, 2015

DAY 1617: EXODUS

So much churn going on. My ENFPness is longing to sit and sort it all out. No time today to even sort things out in my head much less journal about it. Hoping soon. Must get some sleep. Actually have to get this crew up and out the door early tomorrow. The one thing that was easy to sort out today is that I need to do things that are in my wheelhouse at this stage of life. Teaching two coop classes and both are fairly simple. However, one is in my wheelhouse and one is not. I like 3rd thru 5th graders but they are not my sweet spot. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Exodus 16-18:
The theme of God's provision is strong in these chapters.

Fading fast.

D

Saturday, January 24, 2015

DAY 1616: EXODUS

Sitting in a quiet house, obviously it's not ours, and pondering these two chapters. I want to figure these Israelites out. If I can figure them out maybe I can unlock my own issues with God.

I think half my problem is that my view of God is way too small. My view on life is way too myopic. Often my focus remains on my circumstances and my own understanding. Neither of these are particularly helpful when trying to do this life with God. 

What am I getting at here? The Israelites have seen miracle after miracle performed by The Lord. They walk out of Egypt with the Egyptians clothing and gold and they didn't acquire their stuff with weapons. The Egyptians willingly have their possessions to the Israelites. The angel of God is leading them in the wilderness and a pillar of fire and of cloud guide them. Yet when they see the Egyptians pursuing them they completely freak out. Why did they loose sight of all that God promised them, all that He had already done and how incredibly much He loved them? Why do I so easily loose sight of this? God has got this.

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (‭Exodus‬ ‭14‬:‭14‬ NIV)

God of course comes through and wipes out all the Egyptians. The Israelites sing songs of praise. They are pumped!!

"The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him. (‭Exodus‬ ‭15‬:‭2‬ NIV)

Three days later they can't find water and their circumstances squeeze them tightly and they cried out and grumbled and complained. 

What makes an Israelite verses a Paul? That dude could care less about his circumstances. He was bit by a death adder and he does not even flinch. He knows his mission and he knows his purpose and his gaze is on nothing less than Jesus. 

I think this is the secret:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ (‭Philippians‬ ‭3‬:‭7-8‬ NIV)

Once Paul encountered Jesus everything else was a steaming pile of poo in comparison. Paul was willing to loose everything for the sake of Christ. The question is am I willing to loose everything for the sake of Christ? I don't even have to pretend the answer is no. When I can give thanks in any and every circumstance knowing that God is in the midst of everything then maybe just maybe I can answer yes. 

I don't even want to write this but I know that I must. Lord make me into a Job. May I praise you when you give and may I praise you when you take away. 

D





Friday, January 23, 2015

DAY 1615: EXODUS 13

So exhausted. Boys had their first internet experience gone wrong. Thankful for so many things. Thankful the picture although topless was pretty tame. Thankful for the sweet friend who was on it and shut it down before they could see more. So thankful for her friendship and for the ways she invests in our family and our kids. Thankful for a boy who encouraged his brothers not to look even though he liked what he saw. Thankful God has these boys and these girls and that no matter what may be thrown at them He has their days mapped out already. Need to apply this to another situation as well. Harder when it's my own Achilles heel.

Exodus 13:
This chapter brings home God 's desire for the Israelites to remember everything that happened in Egypt by observing g Passover for seven days every year. Oh how I so easily forget all the miraculous things The Lord has done. Why do I worry about anything? He has got this!!!

Love how the Passover ends with a feast. Love the thought of feasting with my Lord the King of Kings and my brothers and sisters in heaven. I can't believe I substituted glory for cheap illusions of partying early in life. It is going to be amazing someday. May I live life for eternity not for this vapor of a life here on earth.

D

DAY 1614: EXODUS

In home date night. Oldest "babysitting" everyone while we have a date. Whole new world. Last couple of months these bigs have stepped it up. We haven't arrived by any stretch of the imagination and days are hard but it's good and they are getting bigger. Crazy how fast they grow!

------
Well sad little baby didn't let me get this done tonight. So exhausted. The babysitter did great tonight. It was definitely an interrupted date night but most in home dates are to some degree. She did a great job and letting her babysit has made her stand taller by about three inches. Heart could burst and my eyes could burst into tears over how fast they grow up!!

Watched Boyhood tonight. Definitely triggered by some of it. It's good but really depressing. That was my life, really depressing. I was in that same place the boy was many times wondering what the point of it all even was. I'm so thankful God reached down and pulled me straight from the pit of death and destruction. I had no purpose and He has breathed life and purpose into my dry bones. May I never forget where I've come from. On another note, watching those kids grow up right before my eyes has me so weepy. I know the time is short but I just saw a visual of just how short it really is. 

Exodus 11-12:
Then tenth plague. Passover and death of all the first borns. 
Really pondering this blows me away:
And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he and all his servants and all the Egyptians. And there was a great cry in Egypt, for there was not a house where someone was not dead. (‭Exodus‬ ‭12‬:‭30‬ ESV)

Saw a trailer today for a movie that shows what scholars believe about the Exodus story. Both sides of the coin are presented instead of the usual one sided view. It sounds as if academia is biased heavily towards one side just as the evolution debate is heavily one sided in academia. Oh to be so wise in the ways of the world and yet such an absolute fool. 

D

Thursday, January 22, 2015

DAY 1613: PSALM 23

Thankful for community tonight. Realizing more and more just how messed up I am. Although I have a lot more self awareness than I once did and God has done a mighty work there is still a huge frickin mountain to climb. So wonderfully humbling. So very thankful for that aspect of everything going on.

I've been kicking against the goads about being in the spot I'm in. I feel like I should be better. I feel like a big fat baby. Most of all I feel weak. Why is that such a big deal for me? Why do I have such a great need to be strong and push through everything? It's absolutely insanity. I know this! I simply can't get my head to catch up with my heart. 

If I'm strong I don't have to be a victim. If I'm strong I won't be taken advantage of. If I'm strong it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. There's no one who will be there to catch me if I fall.

Oh man. There's still a huge mountain to climb. There's still a little girl whose wounded. Ugh. 

I AM is beside me on this treacherous journey up the mountain. He's okay with my mess and His love and His grace is extravagant. Thankful that He has hemmed me in before and behind. 

Anxiety building over Sunday. Even with a good plan for my kiddo it's still mounting. I'm plagued with the images of my child crying and still walking off and leaving him there. The shame and guilt is crushing and makes me physically feel ill. God you are going to have to help me move past this. I don't know how I'll possibly move forward without your help.

Psalm 23:
He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. (‭Psalm‬ ‭23‬:‭2-3‬ ESV)

Thankful that you are in the business of restoring souls Lord.

D

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

DAY 1612: EXODUS 7-10

Thankful for much needed time outside soaking up the sun. Tank filling chats with a spunky friend about how God has tamed the zealous Pharisee that has resided in our hearts over the years. Took my kids to sonic for happy hour as a treat and when I pulled up it was like I had won the lottery. 50 cent corn dog day!!!! Good heart to heart chat with my hubs and family movie night. Overall a really good day. Thankful! Itching like a fiend right now but so worth it!

Two opposing forces going on in me right now. Sadness over the journey we are about to embark on with one of our kiddos and yet excitement over new adventure. First hard lesson of many of placing my kiddo is Jesus's hands. Had to do that on a couple occasions but those times seemed much easier compared to this. Getting to experience reality. I have no control over the future of my kids. I can do my best to help guide their steps but ultimately their future lies in the hands of The Lord.

Going to keep it real that reading my bible has been a battle lately. I'm always glad that I did but kinda like pulling teeth right now. Hate these seasons but leaning in and praying it gives rise to a season of passion to be in God's Word.

Exodus 7-10:
It's all for His glory. I go through my days living as if it's for my glory but it's all about Him. Again I'm struck by how much awe factor I miss when reading these stories I've known since a child. As a child I couldn't possibly understand the gravity of all the signs and wonders that God performed. The land of Egypt was completely demolished and Pharaoh still would not relent. That takes a prideful heart. My heart can be a wasteland of pride too. These chapters are evidence of just how devastating a prideful heart can be.

Now I think about the Israelites and their utter fear of entering the Promise Land. Those people were quaking in their boots afraid after the display of power God did in Egypt. Oh how easily we forget the displays of God's might in our lives! How easily I forget.

I'm quaking in my boots about Sunday but God has this. He has my little boy in His hands. This mountain is not to big for Him. He's already begun to clear the path in ways I just can't see yet. He's mending the invisible wounds in ways I'm not privy to. He will use His story for His glory. I can't loose sight of this even when we may hit bumps along the way. He's got us and He will lead us and guide us the entire way.

This verse is terrifying to me:

But when Pharaoh saw that there was a respite, he hardened his heart and would not listen to them, as the Lord had said. (‭Exodus‬ ‭8‬:‭15‬ ESV)

I'm very much aware of what a huge mess I am right now. I've been squeezed and the junk that has come out hasn't been pretty. I'm face to face with my sin and my frailty. It's good for me to be aware of this. It's a delicious huge piece of humble pie. God knows I need to eat up the humility. I know myself. When things get "easier" and it's not as apparent just how much of a white hot mess I am I know the pride and self reliance will come racing back in. As yuck as this season has been there are so many things about it that I can rejoice over and be thankful for. I'm thankful for the heart surgery. I don't want to undo what has been done in my heart. The moment I start to think I've got this I'm already too far gone. God I don't want to go back. I know I kicked and screamed about wanting things to go back but I don't want that. I want to keep walking this path with you. I'm like a dog that returns to her own vomit God and I need your constant reminder that I can't do this without you. I want to relish that fact. I know I fight against it. Keep reminding me that I don't have to be the strong tough girl anymore. It's okay to just be your girl.

D

Monday, January 19, 2015

DAY 1611: EXODUS 3-5

Stupid head raged all night instead of submitting to my desires to QUIT IT. Drug my buns out of bed to throw more pills at it and it's still being stubborn but at least the edge has been taken off. Not looking forward to starting my week off already dreading the day. It's going to be beautiful today and I really should just scratch everything and enjoy outside. I know it would do me and the kids some good. My inner winter troll is not too happy about that prospect though. In all transparency the thought "living takes too much energy" popped into my head. I really think my problem is that I was created to hibernate during the winter. That would be so great!

Exodus 3-6:
Ch 3:
This might be my all time favorite verse:

God said to Moses, " I am who I am." And he said, "Say this to the people of Israel, ' I am has sent me to you.'" (‭Exodus‬ ‭3‬:‭14‬ ESV)

There doesn't need to be bells and whistles with God. You can choose to be awed by God or not but regardless of whether or not you choose to believe God is still the great I AM. It's beautiful and simple. I love how simple God can make the most complex of things become. I AM. Boom! The cross. Boom! Love God, Love people. Boom! This is where a child's faith is so beautiful. It doesn't get tangled and bogged down by a bunch of distractions. It just is. Just like God is God. I AM WHO I AM. Stop worrying!! I AM WHO I AM. The details, I have them covered. I AM WHO I AM. Your past, today, your future remember I AM WHO I AM. Easy. Simple. Powerful. Majestic. Awe inspiring. Five simple words that I daily forget. My performance today matters not because I serve I AM. My trollish energy levels matter not for I AM WHO I AM is walking with me today. WAKE UP O Sleeper and arise!!! Don't you know who you belong to? 

When the Lord saw that he turned aside to see, God called to him out of the bush, "Moses, Moses!" And he said, "Here I am." (‭Exodus‬ ‭3‬:‭4‬ ESV)

God how often do I not stop to turn aside to see? So many of your people have answered "Here I am" through out the beginning of time. How often do I fail to utter those three simple words or fail to turn aside simply because I loose sight that you are the great I AM?

----------
Headache fun wanting to upgrade again. Looking like one of those beastly multi day headaches. Evil. Evil just like Satan's cement that was in the hair of the tender headed three year old. Thought we might have to shave her head tonight. 

Minions were wild today. Boys still going at it. Could not get them to focus much today so did the fun parts of school and dumped the bookwork. Think that saved my sanity and probably theirs today.

Been feeling anxious about re-entry to church. Thankful to have shared that with community and got great feedback and what seems like a workable plan. It's running a marathon not running a sprint. I also have to remember that I have a partner in crime on Sunday's. Will take some time to wrap my head around that. It's been 8 years since that just hasn't been the case. Prior to that we both had our own gig going on Sunday. Going to church together or rather attending service together has never been part of our story. 

Exodus 4-5:
Oh my goodness these chapters are so good. The Lord calls Moses to something huge and the exchange between Moses and I AM is almost comical. What is even more comical is that my prideful self used to read this and wonder where the heck Moses's faith was. What The Lord was asking Moses to do was huge!!! Moses had to push past the fear of his past on top of going to ask Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. The Great I AM was before Moses asking this request of him and Moses still got tangled up in the cares and the worries of this life in the moment. He looked at his mere mortality instead of God's infinite power and might. I do this every day on the simplest of tasks. I get caught up and tangled up in my fears, failures, frailties, ect rather than God's infinite power and might. It is so incredibly difficult to look beyond myself.

Moses is obedient and does what God tells him to do. He goes to the elders of the Israelites and goes to Pharaoh. His obedience is met with increased back breaking work for his people. This seems to make no sense! Moses did exactly what God told him to do and yet the results were not desirable to anybody but the Egyptians. That had to be so incredibly crushing. Yet God is setting the stage to make His power and might known to the world. It's so hard to push past the circumstances yet God is in the midst of the chaos even when nothing makes sense.

D

Sunday, January 18, 2015

DAY 1610: EXODUS 1-

Felt pretty yuck all day. Accomplished nothing but did have some good talks with my oldest. That one is way too mature for her age. Beauty in that as well as gray hair for me.

Headache on crack tonight and this glowing screen is not helping. So making this short. Excited about bed and Tylenol pm.

Ch 1 I think knowing this story so well has taken away from the horror of what Pharaoh commands in this chapter.

Then Pharaoh commanded all his people, "Every son that is born to the Hebrews you shall cast into the Nile, but you shall let every daughter live." (‭Exodus‬ ‭1‬:‭22‬ ESV)

At this point it's not just the work load that causes the Israelites to suffer and groan. Their very children were thrown into the Nile River. Les and I used to follow a ministry called drawn from water that was in Africa. This tribe believed in crazy things and children labeled as mingi were thrown into the river. Often times the parents were heartbroken by what they had to do to their children yet their beliefs were so strong that not following tribal law was not an option for most. I can't imagine how many babies were cast into the Nile River.

Sin creeps in slowly and desensitizes the soul. I truly wonder how much our society would balk if such a decree was made here and was put under the right guise. So much death is already given a blind eye and considered personal choice.

I do love how good God is to preserve Moses and even allow for his mother to be paid to nurse him. All this was happening even while other families who loved The Lord grieved over the death of their sons. Same good God in both situations. Some He chooses to spare and some He allows to perish and yet He is still a very good God. Lord let me not loose sight of your goodness regardless of the circumstances trusting that you have a good plan in all things.

D

DAY 1609: GENESIS 48-

Lots of drama with the biggest Brownies this evening. Wish I had more gas in my tank to help this family of feelers navigate through new terrain tonight. It's exhausting enough being a feeler myself but throw in possibly six more and it's a whirlwind of drama sometimes. Thankful for the sweet beautiful sanctification that goes on in this house on a daily basis.

Introspective tonight on raising my kiddos in this city. This city has challenged me like no other.  When I think about the changes in my heart I think it could be great for the kids to grow up here. But when I see the discontentment start to grow in one of my kiddos it's hard. There's always going to be somebody who has less or more. I so want my kids to learn how to rejoice in both. What a blessing to have more and be able to bless. Les and I have experienced such incredible amounts of generosity over the years. It's blown us away time and time again. For as much craziness that this city possesses it also has an abundant amount of generous people. We've seen God provide for us in so many ways over the years. I want my kids to understand that God has provided for us abundantly. He's even given us fun things that my kids have really wanted or experiences like family camp or costa freakin rica. He's been so good to us. It's also fun to be able to bless. We've had a lot more limited opportunity to do so but the times we've been able to its so much fun and such a blessing to give. I want them to get contentment in little and in plenty. I fear them always looking over the fence at what they don't have. It's possible for them to do that anywhere we live but I do fear the potential for that here can be greater.

I think ultimately I long for my kids to be captivated by His beauty rather than wooed by stuff that will break, be stolen or rust. I want my boys to tromp around in woods, fish in creeks with homemade poles, have cow pie fights and come inside after an afternoon outside smelling of the earth. I want my daughters to make mud pies, pick wonderful bouquets of flowers growing in fields, dig in the dirt and experience the joy of vegetables and flowers springing forth from the ground. I may just want a fantasy but I have to believe that childhood can be filled with wonder and magic that a house full of stuff could never bring.

But is this city girl truly a country girl. I believe that I better fit that cloth than any other but the city and the comforts it offers is all I've known. There is a deep yearning within me though that feels like an unscratchable itch. I feel as if I might suffocate and die if one day I don't get the opportunity to daily commune with God in nature. Maybe that is simply my heart longing for heaven. This place simply is not my home. And only a fool would leave a rich treasure trove full of community for the stirrings of a heart than I know can often be deceitful. Lord light our path. You have made us some of the richest people I know simply by the people you have surrounded us with. We are truly blessed beyond measure. You know what is best for this crazy family of ours. You know if staying here forever and continuing to lay down deep deep roots is best. You know if moving to a red state is best. You also know if Montana is a silly fools dream that only possess unrealistic fantasy. I also know that you can stir up the desires of the heart. I'm so impatient God and you know I want to know the why right now. You know that I want to skip to the last chapter of the book simply because I want to know the ending now. I love adventure and I believe you created that love in me. I like change even though it can be painful and hard. You have set us on a new course for whatever reason. I'm sad Lord for I loved the path you had us on. The last four months I feel as if I've begged you to set us back on that course and you've gently responded that although we are to stay the course to go back to the way things were is not the goal. I've grieved over that. Today when I got up this morning I experienced a new sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a very long time if ever. You have us completely in your hands. I know nothing would delight the Evil One more than to throw distraction after distraction along our path. God I pray longingly and desperately that you would remove every single distraction from our path. Guide our next steps. God remove the guilt that plagues me and wants to overtake me. It comes at me from every single angle. You have been so gracious to help me fight and together we have won many a battle. But if I'm completely honest and vulnerable when my tough facade is gone I fear the me that is left will be carried away and devoured by it. Remind me of who I am. I am your child and I long to simply rest in your embrace as you shield me from the world around. May my babies know what it's like to rest fully in the strength of your loving arms. I fail them daily Lord and I fear I am/will be a huge stumbling block to them. I rest in Your Sovereignty knowing that my greatest failures and mistakes pale in comparison to your plan, your power, your might, your love and your abundant grace. Your grace is sufficient for me, for them, for all of us. Thank you for your Word. Thank you that you have chipped away at the baggage over the years and I can read it without becoming enraged. My heart still sinks at the sin that is contained within its pages but I'm thankful for the reminder of your faithfulness, your might, your power, your patience, and your never failing love. Thank you for loving this ragamuffin child of yours. Thank you that I got a beautiful glimpse of how you see me as my three year old raged today. You love me even when I'm well being a brat. 

-----------
I have Feist's song 1234 stuck in my head but the Sesame Street version. 
One, two, three, four
Monsters walkin across the floor. I love counting, counting to the number four. #deepthoughts

Gen 48-50:
The story of the patriarchs closes in these last few chapters. None of them perfect by any stretch of the imagination but chosen regardless to be God's people. The death of Jacob brought about lots of mourning and a pretty impressive funeral procession. Who would have ever thought this liar of a man would end his days with such accolades? To God be all the glory.

And he blessed Joseph and said, "The God before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac walked, the God who has been my shepherd all my life long to this day, the angel who has redeemed me from all evil, bless the boys; and in them let my name be carried on, and the name of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth." (‭Genesis‬ ‭48‬:‭15-16‬ ESV) 

Jacob wasn't perfect but He was the Lord's and God's plan was carried out through him. I take great comfort tonight knowing that although we can most definitely make huge mistakes we can't completely mess things up. God has a plan and a purpose and it will be carried out regardless of how boneheaded we are. He loves us so very much.

D

Friday, January 16, 2015

DAY 1608: GENESIS 42-47

Feel like a bump on a log today. Energy level is absolutely nonexistent. Other than that feeling much better. Been slithering from one sitting/laying perch to another. My hubs has been a trooper holding down the fort especially with a cranker pants baby.

Gen 42-47:
Great story of God's faithfulness to Joseph as well as his people. The Israelites are such a dysfunctional group of ragamuffins and yet The Lord is so faithful to them and even uses their sin to be the thing that helps sustain them during times of drought. Thankful for the Lord's faithfulness to this ragamuffin.

D

Thursday, January 15, 2015

DAY 1607: GENESIS 41

Stomach bug. Boo. Not violent more slow lingering and torturous. Guts on fire and I feel like I've been runover.

Gen 41:
Love how humble Joseph has become. He gives all the credit to God. He could have grown bitter but instead his reliance upon The Lord grew. Because of his trials the Lord spared Eygpt, God's people and people in the surrounding lands. If we had the foresight to see all that God could bring from suffering we might even sign up for it.

D

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

DAY 1606: GENESIS 40

Feel gross. Fell asleep while doing math with kids. I put my head down on the table for a second and was out. Slithered to the couch where kiddos piled blankets on me and then shenanigans ensued as I passed out again. Still so incredibly tired.

Thankful for an impromptu walk with a sweet friend this evening that was kinda like a free therapy session. Thankful my hubs made it into the citizens police academy. May seem silly but really thankful and thankful the timing actually works.

Gen 40:
Joseph interprets dreams that come true. He asks to be remembered and mentioned to Pharaoh but he was forgotten. Yet The Lord was working behind the scenes continuing to put the pieces into place.

D

DAY 1605: GENESIS 37-39

The gianormous piece of cake I decided to eat was a bad idea. Why is hindsight always 20/20? Coop lesson plans due today. Once a procrastinator always a procrastinator. They aren't perfect but the reality is I'm never going to be the Martha Stewart of coop. I am excited to be able to hang out with some knucklehead 6th thru 12th graders on a regular basis. Made me miss my youth group days. Oh how things have changed since then. Oh how I've changed since then. The Bit has a yucky cough :(. 

Longest school day ever. We have a lot of catching up to do since this school year hasn't gone the way I had hoped. Need wisdom on what to hold onto and what to let go of during this new season. I definitely hear the call to rest and to get well but no clue what that looks like. Part of me just wants to plow through like crazy and make up for the ground that has been lost especially knowing that the start of next could be a slow one with a new little brownie. Give me eyes for eternal things Lord. Help me, help us to choose wisely. 

Gen 37-39:
God's chosen people are crazy dysfunctional. Oh how He loves all of His hot messes. It is interesting that to some God chooses to bestow His abundant grace and to others the consequences are swift and severe. The Lord knows the heart. That is so very comforting and terrifying all at once.

Joseph is a prideful young chap with the world at his finger tips who suddenly has to walk a very confusing and painful road. He remains true to The Lord during the times of favor and during the times of hardship. I'm sure at times even Joseph wondered why even while trusting that God is good. God saw the whole picture and knew that Joseph's hardships were not only going to prepare him for the future but also put him at the right place at the right time.

Holding fast to this verse tonight.

But the Lord was with Joseph and showed him steadfast love and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. (‭Genesis‬ ‭39‬:‭21‬ ESV)

The Lord has been ever so gracious to us in the midst of the chaos and has shown us His steadfast love. I know He has a plan for us and even though I have no idea why the heck things have happened the way that they have I rest assured that He knows all. His hand is upon us and He is leading and guiding us along the way.

D

Monday, January 12, 2015

DAY 1604: GENESIS 32-36

Thankful for the people God has surrounded us with during this season of life. We are immensely blessed. Feel like a chapter is closing tonight. It comes with relief, sorrow and the age old question of "why". Sitting in Costa Rica I never would have thought this day would have come. I can see God's hand and sweet gracious provision through out the rockiest valley. The journey is not yet over but I'm thankful to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Ready to be in bed with my rice sock.

Gen 32-36:
I don't even know where to start and exhausted. Thankful for God's crazy grace to mankind. Devil be damned.

D

Sunday, January 11, 2015

DAY 1603: GENESIS 27-31

Watching a Moving Art show with the Bit and I'm struck with the same ache I had in the midst of Costa Rica. This place is not our home and I long to just be home. I grow weary of the constant distractions that keep my focus off the One who created heaven and earth. I grow weary of the constant battle of the flesh. I do not do what I want to do and do the things I desire not to do. I want to go home where precious little girls don't have to go through their third battle with cancer. I long to be home to be surrounded by His beauty. 

So many discoveries this week. Most point out my continued battle with pride and self reliance, my fear of being weak. Someone talked about not liking the person that is left if the strong person is removed. I can so resonate with feeling that way. The thought of being needy causes anxiety in me. 

So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭7-10‬ ESV)

I hate to even pray this Lord for I fear what it could mean and yet I so desperately desire for you to continue to crush the pride that resides within me. It keeps me from you and I am needy and desperate to sit in your presence.

Gen 27-31:
Deception has not fallen far from the household of Laban and Rebekah. Jacob gets twenty years getting a taste of his own medicine from his uncle. Already this family is such a hot mess. 

Fading...

D

Saturday, January 10, 2015

DAY 1602: GENESIS 22-26

Been thinking a lot about Peter walking on water today. I think the same principle comes into play with Abraham and Isaac when they say that their wives are their sisters. There are times these men show tremendous faith but it is indeed a journey and it doesn't mean they do not stumble and trip along the way.

Sinking and stumbling along right now. Thankful The Lord is gracious to man and to me.

D

DAY 1601: GENESIS 21

First OB appointment ever. Rejoicing that Baby Cupcake is doing well. Insane cramping probably due to low progesterone and other issues caused by being the mother of 6 minions.

Overwhelmed today with gratitude over the people The Lord has so graciously surrounded us with. We are rich indeed. Thankful for a night of tex me and time with sweet friends and a hubs willing to go solo.

In the beginning stages of figuring out this strange thing called anxiety. I would not consider myself an anxious person but all signs are pointing to a current struggle with it. I do feel completely tapped and this week has been such a struggle to get out of bed. Praying for some time of refreshment before the next wave comes crashing in. God has been so gracious to provide those in timely moments. 

Genesis 21
Isaac arrives on the scene. How amazing! I love that God loves to make the impossible possible!

Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. (‭Genesis‬ ‭21‬:‭19‬ ESV)

God give me eyes that see.

D

Thursday, January 08, 2015

DAY 1600: GENESIS 18-20

Feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I think I might sleep well for the first time in a long time. Had a meeting tonight that caused anxiety and yet one I couldn't wait to have because I felt like I would have closure of some sort. Thankful for the saints who have been praying for us. The meeting tonight went really well and has helped to begin the healing my heart so desperately needs. Thankful to The Lord for graciousness to us tonight. Thankful for a precious friend who watched our kids, fed them and came bearing thoughtful gifts and a bag full of fun like Mary Poppins.

Yesterday evening I got to see the newest Brownie baking in the oven. Such a sweet sight that always takes my breath away. Unfortunately, with the amazing look into the precious one God is knitting in my womb was also a look at issues that can indicate the possibly of miscarriage. I've had continued cramping and signs that would indicate that we will never hold this precious one this side of heaven. There's still hope but the reality of the situation looks bleak. Thankful for the gift of this sweet baby and for the gift of today.

Gen 18-20:
Big picture of God's graciousness to His creation. His mercy is never ceasing. So thankful for that.

D

DAY 1599:ISAIAH 40

Weary. Lots going on. Thankful for the gift of life. Pretty big self discovery tonight. All kinds of exhausted. God is good and has been gracious to us. Details coming tomorrow. Must get sleep pretty big meeting tomorrow. 

Isaiah 40:
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (‭Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭29-31‬ ESV)

D

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

DAY 1598:GENESIS 15-17

Holy smokes I'm tired. About to become exhausted on an email gracefully bowing out of the Nest for a season. Hard to walk away but I now know with confidence trying to hold onto things to try to make things go back to normal is not working. I think one of our unspoken goals of 2015 is to get rid of as much crazy as possible.

I'm still bleeding out even if it's more of a trickle than a gush like it once was. The hope I had the other day of my boy opening up more has been dashed today. I have to once again turn my fears over to The Lord and hope courageously that all the unseen "cancer cells" will be healed. I have to turn my fears over to The Lord that it's been almost four months and what do people think about us continuing to struggle. Whether people view our situation as it's only been four months or it's already been four months needs to matter not. I'm at where I'm at. This season has been so excruciating. I wish I knew what we were supposed to do. All I can sense is that we are supposed to "keep walking this road". Who knows what that even means? I know how badly I screwed up "don't fear pregnancy".

I know God is in the midst of everything with us but it feels like He's speaking in code. All I want to do is hear Him speak. The thing is I'm sure He is and probably with a megaphone too. If we stay what does that do to our kids? If we go what does that do to our kids? If we do go where do we even go? The thought of another church is nauseating. All I can think of is twitter and Facebook posts of pictures of churches. Nothing says Jesus quite like a selfie at church. #bleh #obviouslyjaded

I used to shake my head at Abram for having Ishmael with Hagar. I don't anymore. Oh what a prideful jackass I've been and still very much am.

Through all of this God never throws up Abraham's poor choice in his face. Abraham and his whole crew suffer for his choices but The Lord never once rubs his nose in it. I think I've mistaken God's abundant grace with God condoning sin. God doesn't ever condone our sin. He is however intimately aware of our fragile condition as humans and He extends His mercy and His grace so lovingly upon us. He knows when we desire to do the good we ought to do and yet due to our humanity we fail. Oh the compassion He bestows on us.

One thing that struck me was how much influence wives have on their husbands. Eve and Sarah both influenced their husbands to make poor choices. Here's my confession then. I read the bible to know my Lord and Savior better and to be able to follow His Word. I read my bible so that I can pass on a lasting legacy to my children. I know that a product of consistently reading is being a better wife. I don't approach reading the bible so that I'll be a better wiser more discerning wife so that I can be a better helpmate. That needs to change.

On that note my hubs just got home from work and I still have another email to write. Sleep 14 never got off the ground. At least I'm dropping the goals early this year.

D

Monday, January 05, 2015

DAY 1597:GENESIS 12-14

Whew! Reentry is something! We completed an entire day of school even with a baby Klingon and a grumpy pants toddler. Other insanity went on but we got it done. All I want to do is sleep or eat chocolate cake but the two little wild things are up causing a wild rumpus.

In a hard season with one of my bigs. Think this might be a painful road for all of us as we walk the road of loving discipline and discipleship. So keenly aware how my anger has hurt the hearts of my two oldest boys. Oy! Thankful God can work in the hearts of these kiddos despite my shortcomings and failures. Amazing grace how sweet the sound.

Gen 12-14:
In these chapters Abram fully trusts God with his possessions. He does not hold tightly to them or fight for what is his. Yet when faced with his mortality Abram goes into self protection / self preservation mode. This is my go to mode. I can slip into self preservation mode faster than a blink of an eye. Yet God in His goodness has been wooing me over the years to not self protect, to not fight for self preservation but rather fully trust Him with everything. So difficult and often I fail. Praying God would specifically shine light in the areas of my life that I'm like Abram in Egypt especially during this season. I really do want to trust The Lord fully but that won't happen as long as I continue to self protect.

D

Sunday, January 04, 2015

DAY 1596:GENESIS 10-11

My boy is starting to come back to me. Slowly but surely he's growing confidence again in sharing his precious heart. His sweet little hands and feet are looking so much better too. I could weep that stress overtook his sweet little body so much that his hands and feet were peeling and cracking. It occurred to me the other day that most of his fourth year has been marred by fear, stress and anxiety. Had I only known the real reasons behind his change in behavior. I just assumed the terrible three's had hit him late. This part of the journey has been hardest to rest in God's hands and yet He's walking me closer and closer to full surrender daily. God loves this precious little tiger boy. He has and always will be in God's hands. May God continue to heal his heart and ease the fears and anxiety of divorce caused by him. May lies be replaced by truth.

Tonight I long to be in Montana watching the cleansing snow fall to the ground. I know Montana simply represents the next chapter. I feel like I'm Noah stuck on the ark. The rains have subsided but I'm still stuck on this blasted ark full of animal poo. I'm ready for the rainbow and for sacrifices on the altar. But the flood waters have yet to fully subside and only a fool would grumble at the Lord's provision.

What's coming down the tracks feels inevitable yet I know all things are possible with God. Unfortunately it feels as if another wave is about to hit. God please protect the hearts of my sweet ones. They have experienced so much loss this past year. May they see your goodness even in the depths of the most turbulent storms. Here's our hearts Lord, please in your mercy and your grace speak what is true. Thank you for the ways you have been so gracious to us. You have kept us afloat and sustained us even while I've kicked and screamed in the process.

Listening to a chatty little boy who should be asleep and his dad. These are the sweet mercies He rains down from heaven. May I not miss out on your graciousness and provision by being a stiff necked grumbler. May I embrace each day with thanksgiving and rejoicing in YOU.

Gen 10-11:
Genealogies. I used to skip over these or labor through them bored as bored could be. These lists are no longer just lists of boring drudgery. They tell a beautiful story and sometimes the names foretell a sorrowful ending. What will our genealogy represent to the world someday? What legacy will these six sweet, wild and sassy Brownies leave? What story will be written by their children? I pray it's one of walking faithfully and courageously with The Lord. May these little ones and those not so little anymore be the next generation of Esther's, Abigail's, Daniel's, Paul's, Elijah's, ect . Oh Lord may they trust you in the midst of their storms. May they rejoice over persecution and seize every opportunity you give them. May the walk humbly with you.

D

Saturday, January 03, 2015

DAY 1595:GENESIS 6-9

Last day of Christmas Break together as a family. It's been good. So very thankful for this time together. I have one more day to try to get some kind of order together for Monday.

A toad was flung by a toddler and lost this week. Lots of prayers were said to find the beloved toad Blendy. He was found but unfortunately due to lack of water he was not found alive. My sweet girl realized that her prayers were answered even though they weren't answered the way she had hoped. Hoping as she realizes these things that she will also someday grow to learn that God is good even when He doesn't answer the way we want Him to.

Gen 6:
This says so much about the condition of man at the time of Noah.

The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. (‭Genesis‬ ‭6‬:‭5‬ ESV)

This grieved God's heart and He regretted making man. I don't know if I had ever attributed God's regret due to grief before. I think I've always just thought of God as angry at the condition of the world and that fueled His regret and desire to purge the earth of His wayward creation. He could have ended it right then and there and yet He didn't. He knew that if He did Noah and his family and all the faithful ones before would be forever lost.

But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord. (‭Genesis‬ ‭6‬:‭8‬ ESV)

This gives me much hope as I see the climate of our society. Those who walk with The Lord in the midst of very dark times still find favor with The Lord. May I remember this as chaos mounts and may my children grasp this fully as they will need to know this even more than I.

This Noah tasked with a crazy task that would take him 100 years to carry out. Yet he remained faithful for those 100 years. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. Noah's obedience had to come with an amazing price and yet his obedience meant everything.

Noah did this; he did all that God commanded him. (‭Genesis‬ ‭6‬:‭22‬ ESV)

Ch 7:
This verse is repeated again.
And Noah did all that the Lord had commanded him. (‭Genesis‬ ‭7‬:‭5‬ ESV)

Obedience is important to God. It's not important because He's a cosmic control freak. It's important to Him because He knows that if we obey it will go well with us. Our obedience shield us from our own self destructive sinful nature.

I wonder what the people thought as they began to see animals gather together two by two to go onto the ark. Was there anybody who was willing to repent as the rains began to fall. What was it like for Noah and his family to hear the anguished cries rise from outside of the ark? A new test began that day as well. Trusting God inside that big dark smelly ark. I'm pretty confident it's the times I'm inside the big smelly ark that I thrash about and flail. Held by God's provision and yet clueless as to how everything will turn out.

Noah's patience during the time the waters recede and the earth dries is amazing. After he removes the cover from the ark it's still almost two months till God tells him it's safe to come off the ark. So convicted by this. I would have wanted to jump ship as soon as the first dove brought back a branch in its mouth. Yet patience was needed to make sure the ground dried.

First thing Noah does when he gets to leave the ark is thank God by building an altar and sacrificing to The Lord. I want this to be my heart. Thanksgiving in all circumstances. I wonder how many times I complain when God had placed me on the ark as protection. Imagine the grumbling Israelites on the ark. I am a grumbling Israelite and I know I've scoffed and complained in the midst of God's provision for me. It's a two edged sword that piercing the division of soul and spirit. Painful.

Gen 9:
The second half of this chapter is hard to read especially knowing the possibilities of what all went down between Ham, possibly Canaan Ham's son and Noah. There's so much here. Yuck! Sin is so vile!

D

Friday, January 02, 2015

DAY 1594:GENESIS 3-5

Kids have cabin fever and I think they are suffering from trampoline withdrawals. My husband set our Christmas tree on fire tonight. Pretty sure that means moving to the country is a must someday. The man needs to be free to burn whatever he desires without fear of setting his neighbors house on fire or being turned in. Plus I really want a pot bellied pig. This weather is turning me into a reclusive troll. I think I should look into seasonal troll disorder.

Going to go back through my goals and rewrite them in such a way that winning is obtainable. The dreamer in me wants to kick butt and take names, the non functioning perfectionist doesn't even want to try and the troll in me is too lazy to even start. There you have it. Maybe I'll catch a unicorn this week and we can fly over a rainbow together.

Hmm... Thinking I'm still on the sleep deprived side of life or even reclusive trolls can get cabin fever. Want to get out of bed to read from my physical bible but I think inner troll is going to win. Laying in bed under a pile of blankets is kinda awesome.

Gen 3-5:
Of all the things to consider this is my thought tonight. Did Adam and Eve have sex prior to the Fall? I had just always assumed so. There's not another passage prior to this one about Adam and Eve knowing each other. That by the way is a beautiful representation of sex between a husband and wife.

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, "I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord." (‭Genesis‬ ‭4‬:‭1‬ ESV)

The other thing that makes me wonder is that before the fall wouldn't Adam and Eve have conceived kids like crazy? It doesn't matter in the long run I guess but I'm curious.

So in these chapters the Fall happens and immediately sin reeks havoc on Adam's family. It does not take long for man to get off on a horrible trajectory. Seven descendants after Adam and God is sorry he ever created man. Sad.

What about that Enoch though. It is interesting that it was after he had his son that Enoch began to walk with God.

After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked faithfully with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. (‭Genesis‬ ‭5‬:‭22‬ NIV)

Children change everything.

So much about satan and his slight twisting of the truth as well as eve's slight misrepresentation if the rules but this troll is tired.

D

Thursday, January 01, 2015

DAY 1593:GENESIS 1-2

So I didn't end up taking time for quiet reflection for this upcoming year. I figure I got a few days to get things in order before I must step back into life in the real world. Thankful for the time we had with my hubs. It's been so good for us and I'm incredibly thankful.

I want to get back to fasting from something every year. I've done it once and it was hard but fantastic. I've yet to do it again because I love comfort and ease. This year I really want to start chipping away at this idol of comfort. I think this will be part of the equation. This year I'm giving up social media. There's already so many excuses or loopholes I want to make to not do it so I know I'm on the right trail. For all the good reasons for social media there are great arguments for the evils of it as well. This year I'll find out if the good reasons really make it worth it by abstaining from it all together.

Self care is something I would like to get better at to. I can totally see this becoming an empty New Year's Resolution but I hope not. Specifically I would like to get a better grasp on sleep. Many things suffer when I'm running on too little sleep and it's much harder to fight against my urge to run to comfort if I'm exhausted. Sleep has always been an issue hopefully this year I'll begin to get a better grasp on it. My game plan is to do the Sleep 14 every time my sleep patterns get out of whack. I'm starting on Monday and maybe Monday will be my check in day for how sleep is going. I know there are circumstances out of my control such as little girls who like to party and keep their Mommy up till 4am. However, I've got some really bad habits too. I need to crush the inner night owl.

I've decided that instead of viewing my lack of memorizing Sermon on the Mount as a fail I'm going to pick it back up and keep running with it. If I can write this passage of scripture on my heart I know it will be life changing. I don't want to abandon it just yet. The third time seems to be the charm for me so maybe I'll have this completed in three years.

I'm also going to do the Daily Walk Bible again. I abandoned it this year after we got back from Costa Rica and our world was turned upside down. I just got too far behind and it really didn't matter much at that point. The other thing I would like to do which might be a BHAG is to chart out a chapter of scripture a week. This might be one of those things that will fall to the wayside but like SOTM it's one of those things worth fighting to continue to pick it back up and not sweat performance or perfection.

This is probably another BHAG but I'd like to read a book a month. Leaders are readers after all. It would be a smashing success to finish even one book from start to finish. Well, at least one that isn't something I'm reading to the kids.
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Gen 1-2:
Been meditating on "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth". I think I've heard this verse so many times over the past 8 years that I've glossed over the magnitude of this verse. My attitude has become "yeah yeah God created the heavens and the earth now let's get this show on the road". Really I should want to stop for days, weeks, years, my entire lifetime just pondering the greatness of this verse. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. There was nothing but darkness but out of that darkness light broke forth at the utterance of a single word. And God said. And God said and everything was set in motion. Every single thing. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth is just not a simple children's bible verse. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth should give me long pause to reflect in the awe of the majesty of God. It should produce fear and trembling. He breathed the very breath of life into humanity, into my very own lungs and He can choose to take me out of this world whenever He chooses. I was not created for me and to glorify myself but rather as a reflection of Himself. I was created in His image so that all glory and honor might be given to Him.

Throw in these verses and I'm undone.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (‭John‬ ‭1‬:‭1-5‬ ESV)

Nothing is random. Everything has been beautifully planned and crafted since the beginning of time. 2014 was not a random collection of events for us. It was planned, it was ordained and woven together to create and write a beautiful story of His redemption, His love, His mercy, His power, and His grace. If nothing is random and it is all ordained in such a way that is for our good and His glory how can we do anything but rejoice in all circumstances? He never sleeps. He never tires or grows weary. Today is a gift and what may come of today is also a gift regardless of whether I like the circumstances or not.

I do not believe our trials are over quite yet. They will never be completely anyway till the day we meet Our creator in heaven. I look forward with great anticipation to 2015 knowing that whatever may come is part of something bigger than I am. May I embrace the days with joy and with rejoicing knowing that all of my days have been set before me.

D