Holy smokes I'm tired. About to become exhausted on an email gracefully bowing out of the Nest for a season. Hard to walk away but I now know with confidence trying to hold onto things to try to make things go back to normal is not working. I think one of our unspoken goals of 2015 is to get rid of as much crazy as possible.
I'm still bleeding out even if it's more of a trickle than a gush like it once was. The hope I had the other day of my boy opening up more has been dashed today. I have to once again turn my fears over to The Lord and hope courageously that all the unseen "cancer cells" will be healed. I have to turn my fears over to The Lord that it's been almost four months and what do people think about us continuing to struggle. Whether people view our situation as it's only been four months or it's already been four months needs to matter not. I'm at where I'm at. This season has been so excruciating. I wish I knew what we were supposed to do. All I can sense is that we are supposed to "keep walking this road". Who knows what that even means? I know how badly I screwed up "don't fear pregnancy".
I know God is in the midst of everything with us but it feels like He's speaking in code. All I want to do is hear Him speak. The thing is I'm sure He is and probably with a megaphone too. If we stay what does that do to our kids? If we go what does that do to our kids? If we do go where do we even go? The thought of another church is nauseating. All I can think of is twitter and Facebook posts of pictures of churches. Nothing says Jesus quite like a selfie at church. #bleh #obviouslyjaded
I used to shake my head at Abram for having Ishmael with Hagar. I don't anymore. Oh what a prideful jackass I've been and still very much am.
Through all of this God never throws up Abraham's poor choice in his face. Abraham and his whole crew suffer for his choices but The Lord never once rubs his nose in it. I think I've mistaken God's abundant grace with God condoning sin. God doesn't ever condone our sin. He is however intimately aware of our fragile condition as humans and He extends His mercy and His grace so lovingly upon us. He knows when we desire to do the good we ought to do and yet due to our humanity we fail. Oh the compassion He bestows on us.
One thing that struck me was how much influence wives have on their husbands. Eve and Sarah both influenced their husbands to make poor choices. Here's my confession then. I read the bible to know my Lord and Savior better and to be able to follow His Word. I read my bible so that I can pass on a lasting legacy to my children. I know that a product of consistently reading is being a better wife. I don't approach reading the bible so that I'll be a better wiser more discerning wife so that I can be a better helpmate. That needs to change.
On that note my hubs just got home from work and I still have another email to write. Sleep 14 never got off the ground. At least I'm dropping the goals early this year.