Sunday, January 18, 2015

DAY 1609: GENESIS 48-

Lots of drama with the biggest Brownies this evening. Wish I had more gas in my tank to help this family of feelers navigate through new terrain tonight. It's exhausting enough being a feeler myself but throw in possibly six more and it's a whirlwind of drama sometimes. Thankful for the sweet beautiful sanctification that goes on in this house on a daily basis.

Introspective tonight on raising my kiddos in this city. This city has challenged me like no other.  When I think about the changes in my heart I think it could be great for the kids to grow up here. But when I see the discontentment start to grow in one of my kiddos it's hard. There's always going to be somebody who has less or more. I so want my kids to learn how to rejoice in both. What a blessing to have more and be able to bless. Les and I have experienced such incredible amounts of generosity over the years. It's blown us away time and time again. For as much craziness that this city possesses it also has an abundant amount of generous people. We've seen God provide for us in so many ways over the years. I want my kids to understand that God has provided for us abundantly. He's even given us fun things that my kids have really wanted or experiences like family camp or costa freakin rica. He's been so good to us. It's also fun to be able to bless. We've had a lot more limited opportunity to do so but the times we've been able to its so much fun and such a blessing to give. I want them to get contentment in little and in plenty. I fear them always looking over the fence at what they don't have. It's possible for them to do that anywhere we live but I do fear the potential for that here can be greater.

I think ultimately I long for my kids to be captivated by His beauty rather than wooed by stuff that will break, be stolen or rust. I want my boys to tromp around in woods, fish in creeks with homemade poles, have cow pie fights and come inside after an afternoon outside smelling of the earth. I want my daughters to make mud pies, pick wonderful bouquets of flowers growing in fields, dig in the dirt and experience the joy of vegetables and flowers springing forth from the ground. I may just want a fantasy but I have to believe that childhood can be filled with wonder and magic that a house full of stuff could never bring.

But is this city girl truly a country girl. I believe that I better fit that cloth than any other but the city and the comforts it offers is all I've known. There is a deep yearning within me though that feels like an unscratchable itch. I feel as if I might suffocate and die if one day I don't get the opportunity to daily commune with God in nature. Maybe that is simply my heart longing for heaven. This place simply is not my home. And only a fool would leave a rich treasure trove full of community for the stirrings of a heart than I know can often be deceitful. Lord light our path. You have made us some of the richest people I know simply by the people you have surrounded us with. We are truly blessed beyond measure. You know what is best for this crazy family of ours. You know if staying here forever and continuing to lay down deep deep roots is best. You know if moving to a red state is best. You also know if Montana is a silly fools dream that only possess unrealistic fantasy. I also know that you can stir up the desires of the heart. I'm so impatient God and you know I want to know the why right now. You know that I want to skip to the last chapter of the book simply because I want to know the ending now. I love adventure and I believe you created that love in me. I like change even though it can be painful and hard. You have set us on a new course for whatever reason. I'm sad Lord for I loved the path you had us on. The last four months I feel as if I've begged you to set us back on that course and you've gently responded that although we are to stay the course to go back to the way things were is not the goal. I've grieved over that. Today when I got up this morning I experienced a new sense of freedom that I haven't felt in a very long time if ever. You have us completely in your hands. I know nothing would delight the Evil One more than to throw distraction after distraction along our path. God I pray longingly and desperately that you would remove every single distraction from our path. Guide our next steps. God remove the guilt that plagues me and wants to overtake me. It comes at me from every single angle. You have been so gracious to help me fight and together we have won many a battle. But if I'm completely honest and vulnerable when my tough facade is gone I fear the me that is left will be carried away and devoured by it. Remind me of who I am. I am your child and I long to simply rest in your embrace as you shield me from the world around. May my babies know what it's like to rest fully in the strength of your loving arms. I fail them daily Lord and I fear I am/will be a huge stumbling block to them. I rest in Your Sovereignty knowing that my greatest failures and mistakes pale in comparison to your plan, your power, your might, your love and your abundant grace. Your grace is sufficient for me, for them, for all of us. Thank you for your Word. Thank you that you have chipped away at the baggage over the years and I can read it without becoming enraged. My heart still sinks at the sin that is contained within its pages but I'm thankful for the reminder of your faithfulness, your might, your power, your patience, and your never failing love. Thank you for loving this ragamuffin child of yours. Thank you that I got a beautiful glimpse of how you see me as my three year old raged today. You love me even when I'm well being a brat. 

I have Feist's song 1234 stuck in my head but the Sesame Street version. 
One, two, three, four
Monsters walkin across the floor. I love counting, counting to the number four. #deepthoughts

Gen 48-50:
The story of the patriarchs closes in these last few chapters. None of them perfect by any stretch of the imagination but chosen regardless to be God's people. The death of Jacob brought about lots of mourning and a pretty impressive funeral procession. Who would have ever thought this liar of a man would end his days with such accolades? To God be all the glory.

And he blessed Joseph and said, "The God before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac walked, the God who has been my shepherd all my life long to this day, the angel who has redeemed me from all evil, bless the boys; and in them let my name be carried on, and the name of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; and let them grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth." (‭Genesis‬ ‭48‬:‭15-16‬ ESV) 

Jacob wasn't perfect but He was the Lord's and God's plan was carried out through him. I take great comfort tonight knowing that although we can most definitely make huge mistakes we can't completely mess things up. God has a plan and a purpose and it will be carried out regardless of how boneheaded we are. He loves us so very much.


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