Thankful for much needed time outside soaking up the sun. Tank filling chats with a spunky friend about how God has tamed the zealous Pharisee that has resided in our hearts over the years. Took my kids to sonic for happy hour as a treat and when I pulled up it was like I had won the lottery. 50 cent corn dog day!!!! Good heart to heart chat with my hubs and family movie night. Overall a really good day. Thankful! Itching like a fiend right now but so worth it!
Two opposing forces going on in me right now. Sadness over the journey we are about to embark on with one of our kiddos and yet excitement over new adventure. First hard lesson of many of placing my kiddo is Jesus's hands. Had to do that on a couple occasions but those times seemed much easier compared to this. Getting to experience reality. I have no control over the future of my kids. I can do my best to help guide their steps but ultimately their future lies in the hands of The Lord.
Going to keep it real that reading my bible has been a battle lately. I'm always glad that I did but kinda like pulling teeth right now. Hate these seasons but leaning in and praying it gives rise to a season of passion to be in God's Word.
It's all for His glory. I go through my days living as if it's for my glory but it's all about Him. Again I'm struck by how much awe factor I miss when reading these stories I've known since a child. As a child I couldn't possibly understand the gravity of all the signs and wonders that God performed. The land of Egypt was completely demolished and Pharaoh still would not relent. That takes a prideful heart. My heart can be a wasteland of pride too. These chapters are evidence of just how devastating a prideful heart can be.
Now I think about the Israelites and their utter fear of entering the Promise Land. Those people were quaking in their boots afraid after the display of power God did in Egypt. Oh how easily we forget the displays of God's might in our lives! How easily I forget.
I'm quaking in my boots about Sunday but God has this. He has my little boy in His hands. This mountain is not to big for Him. He's already begun to clear the path in ways I just can't see yet. He's mending the invisible wounds in ways I'm not privy to. He will use His story for His glory. I can't loose sight of this even when we may hit bumps along the way. He's got us and He will lead us and guide us the entire way.
This verse is terrifying to me:
But when Pharaoh saw that there was a respite, he hardened his heart and would not listen to them, as the Lord had said. (Exodus 8:15 ESV)
I'm very much aware of what a huge mess I am right now. I've been squeezed and the junk that has come out hasn't been pretty. I'm face to face with my sin and my frailty. It's good for me to be aware of this. It's a delicious huge piece of humble pie. God knows I need to eat up the humility. I know myself. When things get "easier" and it's not as apparent just how much of a white hot mess I am I know the pride and self reliance will come racing back in. As yuck as this season has been there are so many things about it that I can rejoice over and be thankful for. I'm thankful for the heart surgery. I don't want to undo what has been done in my heart. The moment I start to think I've got this I'm already too far gone. God I don't want to go back. I know I kicked and screamed about wanting things to go back but I don't want that. I want to keep walking this path with you. I'm like a dog that returns to her own vomit God and I need your constant reminder that I can't do this without you. I want to relish that fact. I know I fight against it. Keep reminding me that I don't have to be the strong tough girl anymore. It's okay to just be your girl.