Saturday, February 28, 2015

DAY 1650: DEUT 26-34

Felt off and exhausted all day. Thankful for a long nap and for the sweet husband who made it possible. Still itching like crazy from pollen and feel the allergy haze. Boo! Need to brace myself for the upcoming season and get my potions and voodoo oils all lined up and ready. 

Got caught up. These long reads are hard to break apart but I do enjoy getting a broad sweeping picture. As I read the list of curses tonight I couldn't help but think of how some are already coming to fruition in America. I could dwell on this and go down the path of fear knowing where we are headed if things keep going the way that they are. Then I take comfort in the fact that God provided for His people. Even when things got crazy in Egypt God still provided for His people. Not everybody would view the daily manna He offers us as rich and abundant provision but I pray that God would soften my heart and continue to open my eyes more to His provision. 

Not sure if I ever caught on before that it was the Lord who buried Moses. The Lord was with Moses through the very end. Very comforting.

Liked this verse:
Indeed, he loves his people; all his holy ones are in his hands. They follow in his steps and accept his teaching. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭33‬:‭3‬ NLT)

Reminded that those who love the Lord are willing to obey His commands. The beauty is that in submitting to the will of the Lord life and freedom is found. So contrary to what the world would say.

This verse was my favorite:
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you." (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭6‬ NLT)

This verse gives me so much comfort especially in light of having struggled with abandonment issues. Love that the Lord will personally go before me if I'm walking in His ways.

Big take aways are the importance of remembering what God has done and being submerged in His Word. Failing to do those things makes it easy to walk away and desire to do our own thing.


Friday, February 27, 2015

DAY 1649: DEUT 21-25

So thankful for an entire day of snow. It makes my heart giddy. I'm also in awe of the fact that it can snow AND my allergies be out of control all on the same day. This is one crazy city.

Last night in my prayer closet I was taken aback going through all the ways the Lord has been faithful to us over the years. Even during times of discouragement God had a bigger plan He was working. Thankful for a glimpse into God's faithfulness last night. I know that often I'm blind to see God's daily provision and I faith to praise Him for His faithfulness.

DEUT 21-25:
God is serious about life and how anything that is contrary to life makes one unclean. Lots of laws contained in these chapters.

Once again incredibly sleepy. Watching snow all day can make one wonderfully exhausted.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Re: DAY 1648: DEUT 19-20

On Feb 27, 2015, at 12:07 PM, Desi Brown <> wrote:

> Very laid back day with the birthday girl. Can't believe she is nine!!! So thankful for that girl!
> Horrible night of sleep. So crazy exhausted. Reading DEUT 19 & 20 and collapsing into bed.
> Thankful for so much!
> D

DAY 1648: DEUT 19-20

Very laid back day with the birthday girl. Can't believe she is nine!!! So thankful for that girl!

Horrible night of sleep. So crazy exhausted. Reading DEUT 19 & 20 and collapsing into bed.

Thankful for so much!


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Re: DAY 1647: DEUT 17-20

In battling my anger forgot two of my biggest highs.

MY HUBS IS HOME!! So thankful to have him back home safely.

The snow was awesome this morning!! It went as quickly as it came but thankful for tiny snow people in my freezer.


DAY 1647: DEUT 17-20

Heavy hearted tonight. Still dealing with the fall out from lack of reconciliation. I think generally I feel empathy and grace but tonight I'm just pissed. Six months later and my sweet girl's heart is still crushed and shedding tears over the loss of her best friend.

I get it though. I understand the cut and run. That's how I lived my life too, my heart guarded and walled off like Fort Knox. I would have told you I was authentic and might have even fooled you too unless you chose to really dig. I need to run towards grace and forgiveness. I didn't pull myself out of the pit of death and destruction. I didn't heal my own heart and I can't continue to heal it on my own. I'm still a broken f'ed up mess who is in desperate need of Jesus. I choose to place my daughter's heart and the rest of my children's wounded hearts caused by me and others and trust that the Lord will use even their deepest wounds and hurts for His glory.

Tired. Going to listen to these chapters while I start getting things ready for birthday surprises. 9 years went by so incredibly fast. Some of the hardest and most challenging years and most blessed years of my life. These crazy kids are such a blessing. Hate days that I loose sight of this.

Nine years ago I was sitting in bed reading a birth book a little past 12am and my water broke. What a grand adventure that started! 9 hours later I came face to face with my precious baby girl who was supposed to be Paul Joseph. Lord thank you for my first born and the precious gift that she is. Continue to woe her and draw her near to you. May she fully give her heart passionately to you.


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

DAY 1646: DEUT 12-16

1. Today was stinky with a house full of turds. I of course was the biggest one. We're all tired and missing Daddy. Tomorrow will be the longest day ever!

2. Just send in Sent from my iPhone

3. Heart heavy tonight. God help me to have the courage to walk in the freedom that you have bought for me.

4. My biggest is 8 for only one more day. How is it possible that I'm about to have a nine year old? My turdish sinful self crushed that one the most today. Hate that! She is such an amazing girl. Her curiosity and her it's better not to ask but ask for forgiveness later is going to turn all my hair gray. I can hear one of my friends in particular chuckling about her lack of asking for permission. Sometimes the Lord uses the blessing of our offspring to chisel away the sin that resides in our own hearts.

DEUT 12-16:
Phone about to died and trapped under two sweet baby girls.

Love God's law. Some of it is confusing but for the most part it's pretty amazing. When King Jesus comes back to reign it is going to be an awesome place. How great to see the law lived out complete uncorrupted by sin. The same for biblical womanhood and manhood. We mess it all up!

So much stuff to chew on here. God testing His people and no poor living among the Israelites is giving me great pause tonight.


Monday, February 23, 2015

DAY 1645: DEUT 6-11

Toy Story 3 tonight. I tell you it gets me every time! Good day. Kids had fun but everybody is ready to see the man of the house. We are all missing him.

The ice and sleet has Missoula once again singing its siren song. Read an article this morning about Boston that churches there have almost doubled since 1965. The flagship churches are starting to diminish but smaller community churches are starting to pop up everywhere and they are partnering with the communities they are in. There's a Christian organization in Boston that helps equip leaders and also teaches them about the people and the culture they are trying reach. Interesting and encouraging. Maybe there's more revival happening in this country than I think. God is always at work. I find this incredibly comforting!

Annoying headache upgrading to obnoxious.

Read some this morning. Deut 6 & 7. Might have to leave it at that for today but hoping to catch up. Listening to a chorus of sleeping children. I simply can not believe how truly blessed I am. Why oh why do I grumble and complain? Why do I fear? Why do I doubt? He's got this. Every single bit of this. I see evidence of His manna every day. Energy that I have been lacking for months. A snow day. A fork that hit an eyelid instead of an eyeball. Food to eat. Electricity. Thankful.


Sent from my iPhone

DAY 1643: DEUT 5-7

Thankful for my neighbor and friend today. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have dared to mount an expedition to go to church this morning in the cold rain, especially when met with resistance Sent from my iPhone

Worship today reminded me of student ministry days. So much growth has happened since then and so much more growth is left. This time with my hubs being gone has exposed a lot of areas of selfishness and ways I check out. Painful to see and yet so good too. Half the battle is awareness. It's worse for something to be broken and yet have no idea. Thankful for this solo time with my babies even though I'm missing my BFF. My heart has grown in gratitude for that man during this time and I'm thankful. Thankful for so much.

There has been so much churn going on inside my head. Reading an article about Rob Bell has only poured gasoline all over it. Here's the article:

I don't know if I have the mental capacity or space to break it all down tonight but maybe I need to just get some of it down even if it doesn't mean much to anyone else. 

It's no surprise my hubs and I have been really chomping on church and what we desire that experience to be. I wish the stupid applecart had never been disturbed but it has been. I know it was already in the works of being disrupted but dang! I was happy and content. Must I wrestle with everything? I think the answer is yes. I was created to wrestle and question and there's good in that and there's bad. There's also annoying like today when all I want to do is shut my brain off. 

Getting back to the Rob Bell article. I really liked that dude back in the day. I loved his Nooma videos and thought they breathed life into biblical concepts. I liked the way he communicated. Ten years ago I never would have guessed he would believe what he does today theologically. 

Number one that scares the crap out of me. Or maybe better put, I'm humbled at the reminder that I am one mere stumble away from a great fall. Great men and women who love Jesus wander and end up places they never dreamed possible. 

Two I'm also humbled by the impact a wife has on her husband for better or worse. I was grieved when I read that Rob described that his wife was usually a couple steps ahead of him in he right direction. I know I'm botching that but basically her influence has a lot to do with what they both believe. If number one doesn't drive me to my knees in prayer this surely does. I have the power to encourage my husband to be all that Christ has created him for or the power to help lead him astray. That has sat heavily on me. 

The third thing I found interesting was what Rob is doing for church. I do think the guy is innovative despite the fact he is theologically off his rocker. The fact that he is off his rocker does frighten me a bit about what he's choosing to call church. It's the thing that makes me leery about the small local churches I pass by to get to my church. It's not the size that is of any importance though. Size can be an indicator but if size equals health than some of the unhealthiest churches would be considered healthy. Ultimately size has nothing to do with it. How you abide and who you surround yourself with has more baring on spiritual health. (Had other stuff here but stupid phone deleted it. Must move on though because my brain is moving on.)

Back to Rob Bell. If the Rob Bell's of the world are refusing to uphold light and to be salt in this crazy culture we have encounter a bigger battle. When "Christians" begin to join in the beat of the drum of the culture today and we fight ourselves things begin to look grim. Light shins the brightest in pure darkness though doesn't it. The tide rising seems very similar to what I read in Bonhoeffer. Maybe it would be good to pick that book up again and call me crazy actually finish it. I did at one point stop reading because I felt like Sebastian in the Never Ending Story. The book began to hit a little too close to home and it became increasingly more uncomfortable to read. 

With that I can't help but wonder if the contemporary church and its contemporary service has reached its peak. I'm curious to know how many people fill the pews of churches who have never had any experience with church whatsoever. This truly unchurched generation is growing larger and larger. Is the modern/contemporary church relevant to them? Personally I find this question harder to answer living in the Bible Belt. This does remind me of a couple we met at Chicken Scratch. He was a rapper I think and produced music. His wife was drunk and oh how my former life could relate to her. He had just started going to church. It was like an art gallery church. It attracted artists and hipsters in the area. I forget what it's called. Reminded me of Portland. There are pockets of Dallas that march to the beat of the Liberal drum for sure. 

I think I got it finally. Maybe I'm not bucking up against church at. Maybe I am. I think I'm bucking up more against the culture of where we live. I hated Portland gloomy winter but I loved the way the city felt. Very liberal yes but very communal. If it took more than fifteen minutes to get to people just wouldn't go. Churches had to truly be community churches. They embodied the heartbeat of the community they were in. They were not relevant because of the type of service but rather the church was based around the heartbeat of the community it was in. Loved that. This is what my heart beats after. 

I do love our church. It is crazy solid. I love the people. Love the mission. I'm just not crazy about the strategy or the game plan. Today one of the campus pastors got up and gave his ending wrap up and it pains me every time. I LOVE his heart and I simply don't understand why he isn't preaching his guts out every Sunday. Other homeboy, would love to hear him preach his guts out too. Both are crazy gifted. Why aren't we fully unleashing people and fully engaging in our communities? Don't get me wrong I know some people knocking it out of the park in their community. I know a lot of people are. But what if our church community overlapped a whole lot more with the actual communities we lived in? Do we create unnecessary toil and busyness for ourselves? Why do we complicate what is simple? 

Jumping to the OT. Tonight I realized just how much I would have crashed and burned at obeying the law in the OT days. The truth is there really is no difference between back than and today. There's Jesus of course, thank you God and Jesus, but sin is still sin. I think my eyes have been seeing the yuck of my sin more simply because I've been reading about the Law. It's probably why reading lately has been so difficult. I can't reach the standard of perfection. The Law definitely exposes that. Kind of getting close to almost following it completely simply isn't good enough. We are damned without Jesus. I am utterly and hopelessly loss without the grace of Christ Jesus. I think I know this but really I can't fully grasp what that even means. Today I about lost it singing "I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross." Even now tears fill my eyes. The weight of my sin is heavy and He bore it all for the sake of love. I simply can't fully grasp that with my finite understanding. It's too much and it's completely overwhelming. 

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them."

Verse of the day:
People may be right in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their heart. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭21‬:‭2‬ NLT)

So good. God examine my heart. Continue to expose the grossness that resides in my heart. I'm prideful and selfish. I'm insecure and wayward. I want to seek my own glory rather than yours. I lack gentleness, patience, kindness, self control, ect. I bow down to my idol of ease and comfort daily which takes its form in many ways. Heal me Lord and lead me in your ways.

So I crazy rambled and I've got one chapter in me. Such a great chapter though. Seeing God face to face. Hearing God's voice. Such wonderful things to ponder. Great verse to end on too:

Stay on the path that the LORD your God has commanded you to follow. Then you will live long and prosperous lives in the land you are about to enter and occupy. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭5‬:‭33‬ NLT)

Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Take my heart Lord. Take and seal it for they courts above.


Saturday, February 21, 2015

DAY 1642: DEUT 2-4

Really fun day with my kiddos. They are getting so big and helpful. I was grumpy this morning but once I got moving things got better. Still wading through exhaustion but today was much better and I'm so thankful for God's provision all day today.

Had to make one of those painful parenting decisions today. Totally stunk and I hated it but I also love my kid and knew loosing a fun event tonight was the best thing for his heart. He was so disappointed but owned it. So proud of that kid. These three bigs are really growing up and I'm so thankful for the little people they are growing up to be.

This morning really self reflective on how selfish I am. Shouldn't be a shocker but thankful for a good glance at it today. Thankful for God's grace and His loving kindness to put the mirror in front of my face. Thankful to hate my sin but not be stuck in shame and guilt. There's just a lot more ground to take with the help of Christ. Feeling incredibly loved and cared for by my Dad while my hubs is away.

DEUT 2-4:
This verse reminds me of Psalm 23. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want.

The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭2‬:‭7‬ NIV)

I don't lack a single thing. I know this for the most part but I need to truly cling to this when satan wants to tempt me to be dissatisfied.

Love how God provides for the descendants of Esau and Lot even though they were knuckleheads. Reminded that God loves us no matter what.

Thankful for this reminder again: Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you." (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭3‬:‭22‬ NIV)

Moses conversation with God about asking to go across the Jordan to see the land is painful. Im sure it was painful for the Lord as well. It is interesting to me that Moses seems to pass the blame onto the Israelites for the second time instead of owning it. Seems very much out of character. Will have to do some extra digging on this.

This sounds so much easier said than done. I wish we didn't make a mess out of this:
Do not add to or subtract from these commands I am giving you. Just obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭4‬:‭2‬ NLT)

The word trials in this verse leaped off the page for me:

Has any other god dared to take a nation for himself out of another nation by means of trials, miraculous signs, wonders, war, a strong hand, a powerful arm, and terrifying acts? Yet that is what the LORD your God did for you in Egypt, right before your eyes. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭4‬:‭34‬ NLT)

Lord help me to handle the trials you allow to happen with more and more grace.


Friday, February 20, 2015

DAY 1641: DEUT 1-

This is the day that the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Today I'm so thankful for the Lord's provision. My hubs drove off today to see his dad and I couldn't help but be so thankful that the van issues we had showed up when they did. Sweet manna. Thankful for the gift of time that has made decisions to see family so much easier. I feel like it's becoming the gift that keeps on giving. The past week I feel like I've begun to see the fruit of it. I've been so lost in dealing with crazy exhaustion and fatigue that I haven't seen the beauty that has been unfolding right before my eyes. Crazy thankful for what has been sown into my children's hearts the past month. It makes this temporary time apart harder but it has made my heart swell with gratitude. This season is so short.

Good day for the most part but rode the last ride and had no gas left and wasn't prepared for the fallout of our evening. Forgiveness sought and sweet eager hearts extended precious grace.

Sweet moment that happened last night that I don't want to forget. My oldest was really sad about her Daddy leaving and my oldest son stepped up and said that he would comfort her and snuggle with her. Such sweet precious moments.

First time since having babies that my hubs being out of town hasn't resulted in a slumber party in my bed. These little bodies have gotten to be too many and too big!!! Bitter sweet.

Fading fast. Recounting of what happened post Ten Commandments. Really digging the recounting this time around. Gives more depth to the story I think.

Liked these verses:
In spite of this, you did not trust in the Lord your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭1‬:‭32-33‬ NIV)

Israelites were freaked out after ten of the spies have discouraging news. Day and night the Lord's presence was physically visible and yet their hearts still grew faint. Reminded of how easily I can become discouraged too even when I've been smack dab in the middle of amazing provision.


Thursday, February 19, 2015

DAY 1640: NUMBERS 34-36

Tried to read this morning while youngest were occupied by creating wonderful things but it didn't quite work. It was sweet to sit with my two bigs while the three of us had "quiet time". I invited and they eagerly took the invite and grabbed their devotional journals. Hoping to figure out a way to make that more of a habit. 

Sat in the reality of just how sinful I am today. I know that I am but I'm thankful for the days I sit in it and fully embrace my desperate need for grace. 

Still lots of activity going on around here so going to make it another quick night. 

Numbers 34-36:
It seems so out of character for me but I really liked this verse:
Then the boundary will go down along the Jordan and end at the Dead Sea. " 'This will be your land, with its boundaries on every side.' " (‭Numbers‬ ‭34‬:‭12‬ NIV)

It made me think of being hemmed in before and behind by the Lord. He's got me and I need not fear a single thing. 

The second thing that stood out was that everyone who murdered another was to be put to death except for accidental death. Striking someone on purpose but not intending to kill them and yet it ending in the death of the person was considered intentional murder. All of this makes sense to me. I do wonder why the Lord did not put Cain to death. 


DAY 1639: NUMBERS 31-33

Not a lot of words tonight.

Love that the Phineaus lead the Israelites into battle against the Midianites. Hard reading about the virgin girls being part of the plunder. In some ways I might have been able to reconcile it more if God commanded them to kill everyone. That sounds morbid. Aching for heaven tonight.


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

DAY 1638: NUMBERS 26-30

Another day in paradise. Still fighting some crazy fatigue. Need to get a plan together and either dive into a paleo diet or go full on whole 30. If I'm still zonked after taking control over what I'm fueling my body with and cutting out allergens and maybe actually exercising then I'll start trying to expand my problem solving. Being whooped all the time is whooping me!

Thankful for a fun evening with my minions. They are growing up so incredibly fast!! I was thankful to spend an hour today with a sweet baby asleep on my chest. There's not a lot of things in life that are better than a sleeping baby on your chest. I could be still and know that God is God all day long with a sleeping baby on my chest.

Thankful for a yummy lunch with a cherished friend. Thankful for our friendship over the years and the blessing and encouragement she has been to me. Today I walked away with a renewed desire to continue to root out busyness, time wasters, and distractions. I think for me the latter two help to create the pace of busyness. I want to work hard, play hard and rest when it's time to rest. I can be a hard worker and yet I know my tendency is towards procrastination and laziness. There are many good options in any given day but for every choice made it either gives or takes away from other things. I know I mess up daily by getting my priorities out of order. Instead of trying to tackle it all head on it makes sense to put first things first. Right now it seems so simple. I'm laying in bed next to a sleepy baby, Oceans is on and all is right with the world. Right now in this moment it's so easy to remember that I was created for God's glory and not vice versa. I'll wake up tomorrow sad that morning has come so quickly and I'll stumble around our dirty house and remember that the midwife is coming over. I'll ask the kids to help clean and then start barking because they will be jacking around on their own plan instead of being on MY plan. Then I'll scramble to try to get some school done and then remember that I have a sweet friend coming over to get baby clothes and scramble to get bins pulled together. I'll run into mount clean laundry and dirty laundry along the way and either feel shame and guilt or overwhelmed or indifference depending on the current mood I'm in and the amount of chaos surrounding me. In all that I'll have grumped at my kids, be thankful for a semi clean house that will last all of five minutes and God will be put on the back burner. I'll live life for the temporal instead of living life in view of eternity.

Shifting my view to the here and now comes so quickly. The Israelites would witness a miracle and moments later loose sight of God's splendor and power and complain and fear over things that or temporal. How do I shift my view to more readily see things with an eternal perspective instead of so easily viewing them through the lens of the temporal. God change my views on life and day to day living.ord give me your eyes and give me your perspective. Help me to see people the way you do especially my husband and my children. Fill my mouth with words that would encourage the ones I love and build them up instead of discourage and tear them down. Help me to root out busyness Lord. It is a soul killer and a distractor. Help me to put YOU first God. I want to live my life for you but often I live out my days living for myself. I pray that you would continue to root out every ounce of pride that resides in me. Lord you know I'm a prideful fool. That's not who I want to be. Help me to be content with having a quiet and simple life. Inside I giggle thinking about the "quiet" but you know what I mean. You have given me a heart for adventure and in my sin and selfish desire I often wanted not just adventure but an epic kinda life. Lord help me to just be faithful in the everyday.

I just remembered I forgot my neighbors birthday. I had hoped an idea would pop into my head today and instead I forgot. Maybe balloons for a belated birthday would express our love for her. Praying it does.

Numbers 26-30:
Got lost in the details tonight. I have no idea how the priests kept the sacrifices straight. It makes my head hurt and I get anxious for them at the thought of having to keep it straight. Again I walk away tonight faced with God's holiness and my sinfulness and my utter dependence on God. Been churning a bit on the importance of ceremony and ritual. Fading.


Monday, February 16, 2015

DAY 1637: NUMBERS 18-25

1. Thankful for Sent from my iPhone

2. Exhausted but thankful for another day at PATH. Also thankful there is only 6 more weeks left.

Numbers 18-25:
A lot going on in these chapters. A couple things stand out to me after reading.

1. It is difficult not to stray to the left or to the right and yet the Lord desires for us to obey completely without adding to His commands.

2. There is a higher responsibility and consequence for those who lead God's people. Although even leaders will never reach perfection this is something to really think about and weight the costs of leading before throwing oneself into the ring. Leadership should not be viewed flippantly.

3. It's foolish to know God's desires and His laws and yet expect Him to respond differently after multiple requests.


Sunday, February 15, 2015

DAY 1636: NUMBERS 17-20

Never fully woke up today. Skipped church due to a puker yesterday afternoon and complaints of other tumSent from my iPhone

I think overall I'm in a better spot than I was a month ago but the cloud hasn't completely lifted yet. Trying to find contentment to just be where I'm at rather than fight it. PATH prep still left to do so this will be short. I've been ready for bed all day.

Decided to tackle PATH prep first and that was probably a bad idea. Completely whooped now. Thankful for the opportunity to invest a bunch of knucklehead teens again.

Numbers 17:
Only have enough gas left for one chapter today. All I really did today besides prepping for class was snuggle and sleep. Oy! So lame!

The Lord asks Moses to collect a staff from each tribe of Israel with the name of the leader on it to prove once and for all who God has chosen to lead. Aaron's staff blossoms and buds and produces a cluster of almonds. Once the people see it they carry on about how they are doomed. Still no heart felt repentance from these people.

After I woke up from my long nap I had a really hard time dealing with everyday things in life that go wrong. I still am struggling. This is not helping my compassion nor allowing me to see my own gross sin tonight. Tonight my grumpy beast self wants God to smite them all. Just keeping it real.


Saturday, February 14, 2015

DAY 1635: NUMBERS 13-

Great day but super tired. Think this Valentine's Day was up there with the top three. Weather was beautiful and it was so great to be together as a family and our kiddos play with friends. Sweet surprise to roll out of bed and find flowers for me and the girls. Kids spread valentines cheer to our neighbors by passing out treats and flowers to the widows and "orphans" on our block. Thankful to get another opportunity to make connections with people in our hood. Thankful for our sweet neighbors.

This morning I was blessed to hear one of my kiddos say "my dad knows me" after she got her v-day surprises from Dad. My hubs took care of all the Valentine's Day treats for the kids and he nailed it. Kids felt known and loved and I'm so incredibly thankful.

Thankful for this really sweet season of having my husband home. I still think that we are very much surviving rather than thriving but the sweetness of this time together is starting to bare fruit and I'm so thankful.

A kiddo lost part off his new Lego set and was incredibly distraught. I asked him if he had talked to God about it. God isn't a magic genie but God does care about us and if we care about Legos than He cares about Legos too. He prayed and then I prayed that if this could be an opportunity for our boy to know God more than I prayed God would answer my son. Moments later the piece was found by my rockstar hubs and I got to bring it all back home to God and how much He loves us. So thankful for such a sweet and tangible way to teach my son about God's great and vast love for him. This is why I need to die to self more and dive in deep with my kids in the things they love so that they can have something tangible to go back to when they think about God and His love for them. God cares about the little things we might consider insignificant simply because He loves us and a good father cares about the things His children care about. He loves us so very very much. Thankful that He loved on me while loving on my boy, His boy. Thankful I got to see faces that weren't expecting flowers light up today, an unexpected blessing. Really overwhelmed tonight thinking about all the good gifts God bestows upon His children. Sorrowful that often I am like the Israelites and complain in the midst of God's abundant provision and blessing.

Numbers 13-16:
Heavy chapters full of rebellion and distrust in the Lord. I can wag my finger at the Israelites but I'm no better than they are. They failed to possess humility and to lean not on their own understanding. I fail to do both of these daily as well. Incredibly thankful for grace and praying the Lord's helps me to trust even when it doesn't make sense to me and that He continues to humble this prideful and arrogant child.


Friday, February 13, 2015

DAY 1635: NUMBERS 9-12

Some great insight into the Leviticus puzzle Sent from my iPhone

Good day with a small army of children. Thankful for the extras we got to hang with today and for the gift of friends and beautiful weather.

Tonight I'm pondering the beauty and the heartache of everybody's story and I'm so thankful for the redemptive work that is available to each of us through Christ Jesus. So thankful for the gift of grace tonight.

Numbers 9-12:
I'm sad tonight reading this and reflecting on just how fragile we are and how easily we stray from the Lord. 

I feel like there is a lot here in these chapters but focusing in on Ch 11 tonight. The Israelites begin to complain and long to be back in Egypt simply because they craved food for their bellies. This verse pierces the heart tonight.

You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have whined to him, saying, "Why did we ever leave Egypt?"'" (‭Numbers‬ ‭11‬:‭20‬ NLT)

I feel like I am so guilty of this. I'd rather go back to the pig slop or back in my shackles when I could embrace my greatest treasure and run towards freedom. 

The chapter before the complaining was about how God went before them and how He appeared in the cloud above the tabernacle. God was with them, God is with me and yet I choose cheap substitutes that only satisfy for a moment. Heart grieved over our sinfulness and longing for heaven tonight. 


DAY 1634: NUMBERS 5-

My phone keeps jacking with my email format. Oy to new updates!

Lots of things to be thankful for today. Thankful for the gift of community. God has placed some amazing people in our lives. I love how we are all wired differently. It can cause friction and misunderstanding at times but when it's in action it's beautiful to see the body of Christ work together to accomplish things for His glory.

Saw Baby Cupcake today. I did hold my breath for a moment as I saw the baby but didn't see a heartbeat or movement at first. Baby CR has definitely changed so much. I'm thankful for the impact his or her short little life has had on my heart. A life not wasted.

Sad today thinking about the loss of a sweet friend today too. I was so excited about is getting fat and swollen with child together and getting to share the experience of the miracle of birth. I loved thinking about our little ones growing up to be sweet friends together. Seeing Baby Cupcake was so sweet today and I'm so thankful but my heartaches for the loss of a precious one I won't ever get to meet this side of heaven and what a great loss that is.

Number 5-8:
I don't have any big thoughts today. The test for the adulterous woman is really bizarre to me. It seems very voodoo to me. I know I've read this in the past and been angry about it. Big shocker! If I believe God is for His daughters than I have to think this offered some kind of protection to a woman who had a jealous for no reason husband. The proof of her innocence could have very well been great provision for a woman during those times.

I did get very lost in the details of the offerings given by the Levites. My heart is longing to get out of the details and get back to the story.


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

DAY 1633: NUMBERS 1-4

Good day watching a small arSent from my iPhone

Fun night celebrating our neighbor and watching our kiddos be apart of celebrating others. So thankful for this loud and messy crew!

Numbers 1-4:
I'm so thankful that the Lord holds all the details of everything within His hands. I rest in the comfort of His Sovereignty of ALL things. The details make my brain hurt but it's a beautiful picture and plan God weaves together. Going to bed tonight thankful that the Lord has the big and all the minute details figured out!!!


Tuesday, February 10, 2015


Still really struggling with getting out of bed in the morning. Who really wants to get out of bed in morning anyway? (I do believe that there are morning people and it still boggles Sent from my iPhone

Full day of school but it was like pulling teeth. I can't blame them too much. It was beautiful today. I am still thankful that we homeschool especially now as I can see the stark difference in learning abilities and styles in my oldest four. I do love that I can tailor my kiddos education and the pace they learn certain things according to their ability. It can be a major whip somedays and it is most certainly not for whimps. I am going to have certain challenges as a younger sib looks like he has the potential to significantly pass up an older sib. They are pretty much on the same level right now. We've had to deal with some of that with the oldest two but not to this degree. Praying to find this kiddos strengths so we can really capitalize on those to encourage him while being there to help with the weaknesses.

Lev 25-27:
I love the idea of the year of jubilee and the rest every seven years for the land. While resting the land God also allows for extended rest for His people. He provides for them in every way. It's so incredibly beautiful.

Chapter 26 is heart wrenching knowing what happens in the future. As stubborn as pharaoh was the Israelites don't end up being much better. God gives them plenty of opportunity to repent and yet they continue to have heart hearts and stuff necks. God I pray that you help this stubborn girl learn quicker!!!

There's lots of details in Ch 27 and I know I'm missing lots of it. Again I'm struck with how much we need to be giving of what God has given us. I know I can grow in this area a lot!

Tonight thankful for God's Sovereignty over the lives of our precious ones. It's easier to cling to when His Sovereignty results in protection and it is obviously provision. It's harder to embrace when His Sovereignty does not have the outcome we wish for. Slowly but surely learning to trust both and give thanks for both.


Monday, February 09, 2015


1. Another plot last night to keep Sent from my iPhone

2. Gave someone the bird today. Can't remember the last time that happened. It was seriously like a reflex. Very humbling to once again realize how very close my flesh is to the surface.

3. I need a dart gun for my crazy minions that are still awake.

4. Thankful for a beautiful day and for our coop. It is exhausting but incredibly thankful.

Lev 24:
Tonight again reminded of God's holiness and just how far I fall from that standard. Thankful for Jesus.


Sunday, February 08, 2015

DAY 1630: LEVITICUS 21-23

Thankful for time away this afternoon to do whatever I want. Hit a couple thrifts stores in search of some magical clothes that wouldn't make me feel like Tina the fat lard. It was a bust. Obviously I need some thrift store tips or maybe I should stop eating so much sugar and exercise. I probably should do all of the above. 

Wishing I had just spent my time before the Lord. I do feel like I'm running from Him a bit. I think it's kinda like avoiding that friend who knows you incredibly well who will ask just the right questions or give you a knowing look that will reduce you to a blubbering mess. I don't want to be that weirdo ugly crying at the park or at a coffee shop. I've got some serious pride issues. I don't want to be reduced to a blubbering mess in front of anyone including the one person on this planet who I trust immensely and who more than anybody can say just the thing that breaks the damn of tears. Still much softening that needs to be done. I do look forward to the day when things like this no longer matter to me. I have hope that that day will surely come one day.

Leviticus 21-23:
I fell asleep several times while trying to read this. There are many things I love about Leviticus. Being immersed with huge reminder of how holy the Lord our God is can be such a wonderful reminder for the soul. This verse stood out to me the most today.

" 'The priests are to perform my service in such a way that they do not become guilty and die for treating it with contempt. I am the Lord, who makes them holy. (‭Leviticus‬ ‭22‬:‭9‬ NIV)

Treating it with contempt for whatever reason really resonated with me. I know I treat the Sabbath with contempt but how many other things do I treat with contempt? How much grace abuse do I commit on a daily basis? I by no means want to become more of a Pharisee than I already have the potential to be at times but I also don't want to partake in liberties that I shouldn't be taking part in. 

I keep coming back to wondering if God was to inspire the book of Leviticus today what practices and customs in America would be consider pagan and desire us as Christ followers to be set apart from? Maybe the key here is to be open to how the Lord convicts. There is freedom and life in following the law. 

Leviticus doesn't feel like a book full of much freedom. In some ways, all the law seems oppressive. I think it's possible that it feels that way because maybe the church as a whole has swung too far the other way. Nothing is holy or sacred, there is a rejection of ceremony, and we treat God casually. I know this to be true about myself. Being Holy and set apart is rejected for not being relevant. Maybe the Sunday dress and ceremony wasn't the thing that wasn't relevant. Maybe it was the just the lives that claimed Christ but whose lives suggested a different story.

There's so much churn going on in my head. I'm struggling to know what is sinful, what is growth, what is real, what is lies, what honors the Lord and what to do about any of it. 


Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, February 07, 2015

DAY 1629: LEVITICUS 19-20

1. Thankful for more energy today. Still done by 5pm but had some push through left in the tank.

2. Super crampy today which makes me thankful for the fact that it's actually tapered off the past couple weeks and I just hadn't really noticed. A grumpy mood will do that!

3. Thankful for a sweet husband who has graciously pushed through a migraine all day long.

4. Thankful for beautiful weather. Itching for spring and to go camping!!!

5. Thankful to see Sent from my iPhone

Leviticus 19-20:
Being real again. Just not excited about reading and really having to push through. Really hate that!!!

As usual God's Word does not return void. This verse is repeated and sums up these chapters:

You must be holy because I, the LORD, am holy. I have set you apart from all other people to be my very own. (‭Leviticus‬ ‭20‬:‭26‬ NLT)

In awe of the Lord's holiness and His desire for His people to be set apart. Praying as I spend the rest of the year digging in to the Bible we get a vision for what being set apart should look like in the year 2015. Great verses especially in ch 19. Need to read this chapter to the kids and discuss.

Thankful for all of you who have let me email you over the years. I would have missed out on this gem today if it wasn't for the accountability. I wish I was more disciplined and didn't need to be held accountable but that's so not how I roll. Thankful for each of you!


Friday, February 06, 2015


Listening to my two bigs giggle together. Thankful for those sounds. Age has seemed to complicate things for those two at times. They were two peas in a pod when they were little bits but now competition can get in the way of the sweet friendship they possess. So thankful to hear them remembering how much they truly adore each other.

Lev 18:
Forbidden sexual practices. It will be interesting as the climate of our society continues to change how many of these forbidden practices will become more and more acceptable.

This verse stands out tonight:
If you obey my decrees and my regulations, you will find life through them. I am the LORD. (‭Leviticus‬ ‭18‬:‭5‬ NLT)

God please help my Brownies understand this.


Thursday, February 05, 2015

DAY 1627: LEVITICUS 16-17

Wonderfully exhausted. Pretty good day. Definite rough patches but reasons to celebrate and smile too. Felt slightly better today but still really struggling with fatigue. When I say struggle I really mean struggle.

Lots of gross stuff has been squeezed out of me the past four or so months. I'm thankful in some ways because it's always been there, God has just chosen to shine light on it because He loves me. In the midst of drowning in a sea of what feels like my own dysfunction and filth my awareness of God's love for me has increased. I know that sounds bizarre even in the midst of my own self loathing but when I can stop and listen to His voice I'm reminded that I'm crazy loved just the way that I am and it's okay for me to be right where I am. I know all of this wouldn't be so hard if I would just stop fighting and fully surrender to where I'm at. My tank is still incredibly low and getting up is a struggle. There is an undercurrent of guilt that is incredibly crushing to my soul. I feel as if in some ways I have surrendered some things. Forgiveness to others has fully been extended and I feel reconciled to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I've even stopped asking why and feel like I'm walking in trust over my sons future. I know this quite possibly might be a lifelong journey with him as he grows and matures and is able to process more and more as time goes by. The fight remains in holding onto my own guilt and not knowing how to deal with a depleted tank caused by the aftermath of this entire past year.

I realized today after processing stuff with my hubs that I have shame and guilt for having needs. I think when my tank is low I at times get angry for unmet needs which often are unspoken and many times I think completely unknown to myself. Then I feel guilty for the anger and for even needing what I need. I think I hit on something yesterday when it occurred to me how angry I was for being human. I think because of the build up of mounting stress over the past year I've retreated back into some old habits and patterns in order to self protect. I've felt the walled off self protection the past couple days as my sweet husband has tried to comfort me.

I need to be able to just sit in the fact that I'm not functioning great for many reasons. It's possible I'm struggling with depression. Using that word makes me feel like I've surrendered. I know there is no truth to that though. I do know that I am incredibly weary. I feel like a looser for not having anything left in the tank to push through. Surely life shouldn't tank me so badly. This too I know is unhealthy. I think
Bottom line is I'm a big fat mess. On one hand I feel okay with that and on another hand I'm fighting it tooth and nail. So there you have it. I'm a weary mess and I'm not sure what to even do about that. I guess tonight I'm thankful for the rational me that is able to distinguish lies from truth but wish the other part of me wouldn't be so slow to catch up and so stubborn. The spirit that lives within me rejoices over where I'm at and for the journey that I'm on. I know the Lord is being so faithful to me during this season. He's mending the hurts that have occurred this past year but also other hurts and dysfunction that is deep down within me.

I was reminded tonight about the Nest tomorrow. I will be truthful that it does sting a bit. It's the part of me that just wants to go back to the way things were. This year has been filled with great loss and I think the Nest is just another reminder of that. I am so thankful to not feel a loss of identity by not being apart of it anymore. Moving to Dallas and moving fully into the position of a SAHM was so crushing. I had my identity wrapped up in what I did and seeing that was so gross to me. I never wanted that to ever be the case for me again and I've tried to hold everything loosely and as far away from being any sort of identity as possible. Thankful I can say that by God's sheer grace my identity or value and worth hasn't been wrapped up in serving with the Nest at all. I'll take that victory and celebrate it in the midst of seeing how much work is left to do. So thankful the job of restoration is in the hands of my dear Savior. May I be faithful and choose to walk in His plan and path for my life. Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

Leviticus 16-17:
Again in complete authenticity I rejoiced over oy having to read two chapters tonight. Sad that is where my heart is right now but thankful to be able to confess and not feel guilty about this just being where I'm at. There is so much beauty in Leviticus but it does not land easy on a weary spirit. Praying tonight that I rejoice over the provision that will be found in these chapters.

Chapter 17 helps me smooth over the cynic and head scratching that goes on in chapter 16. I have no big insights but sitting in the realization of serving a most holy God who desires His people to be set apart and not take His grace light.


Wednesday, February 04, 2015

DAY 1627: LEVITICUS 9-15

Figured I should start my day off with at least reading a bit.  I'm as grumpy as Satan's spawn. I was personally offended by everything that kept me awake or woke me up last night. It obviously was a plot by the entire world to continue to deprive me of sleep. 

I feel as if my body is in the middle of a big hormonal shift. It truly could be sleep deprivation but either way I'm feeling a bit loopy and incredibly grumpy and I know I need me some Jesus. That is not a bad place to be actually. 

This chapter I'm reminded of the beauty of a soft obedient heart who is desperate for The Lord. In the midst of all these details I'm also reminded of how very little I know of God. If I pursued Him for a lifetime there would still be much to learn about Him in heaven. 

Then Moses and Aaron went into the Tabernacle, and when they came back out, they blessed the people again, and the glory of the LORD appeared to the whole community. Fire blazed forth from the LORD's presence and consumed the burnt offering and the fat on the altar. When the people saw this, they shouted with joy and fell face down on the ground. (‭Leviticus‬ ‭9‬:‭23-24‬ NLT)

I long for the kind of humility and awe that keeps my knees bent and my spirit prostrate. Still very much remember the moment I finally came face to face with The Lord and all I could do was lay prostrate and weep in my brokenness. May I never forget where I come from and that all I have to offer is simply what He has graciously given me.

Things begin to fall apart already. Two of Aaron's sons fail to completely obey the instructions The Lord has given and The Lord consumes them in His holy fire. This appears to be much more than a blunder regarding details of appropriate incense burning but rather a posture of the heart. Things continue to fall apart as Moses's anger burns towards the remaining of Aaron's sons for not eating the sin offering and instead allowing it to be burned up. Aaron responds by reminding Moses of all that has just happened. The frailty of our ability to follow the Law and our frailty as humans becomes so apparent here. We simply can't do this thing without God. 

Today I'm thankful for the lack of sleep and the peeling back of my desperate and needy heart. It's when I realize my desperation and my weaknesses that I can step out of the way and allow God to walk beside me. So much better than believing that I got this. This chapter is a reminder that I have absolutely nothing apart from Christ and I'm foolish to even chase after that goal of self sufficiency. 

Sneaking in another chapter. Really angry about being human today. All I want to do is escape so trying to "escape" to what I know is best. 

Lots to think about here. If scripture is relevant and it spans through all generations what does all this mean for me? The first thing that comes to mind is the organic/nonorganic and free trade battle that comes and goes within me. Can this somehow apply to that? I know some of these laws were to protect the health of the Israelites and some were to set them apart Sent from my iPhone

Ah! Eyes off myself. My focus and gaze back on the right things even if just for a moment. Much better than anything else I could have turned to. 
Purification rights after a woman gives birth. Wonder if being unclean means you get to stay in bed till purified?

Skin diseases and mildew/mold issues in fabric. It would have been awful to have a skin disease back then. 
Well we have broken bone number two in BrownTown. Nothing crazy exciting, just a chipped bone in a cute little toe. The patient is totally fine and is rather excited about everything. She has a temporary shoe but need to take her in tomorrow to an orthopedist to get more details and a boot. 

Purification for persons healed from skin diseases and houses with mildew. 

This verse is interesting to me:
"When you arrive in Canaan, the land I am giving you as your own possession, I may contaminate some of the houses in your land with mildew. (‭Leviticus‬ ‭14‬:‭34‬ NLT)

The Lord can choose as He pleases. I need to remember this!!! Reading about skin disease I can't help but feel horrible for those who had to go around and yell unclean. Yet God can choose who He chooses to bless with health and who He chooses to bless with a non-lemon of a house. There are things that do indeed seem just unfair. The more I can turn that over to the Lord and entrust Him with the better.

This chapter is on bodily discharges, what is unclean and how one goes through purification if unclean from discharge. Fun reading!

I will be honest some of this stuff just seems crazy or superstitious and yet I know these things do not ring true about God. I'm fascinated by these chapters and yet at the same time I'm left scratching my head. This verse is key to me though and brings all of it back home to me:

"This is how you will guard the people of Israel from ceremonial uncleanness. Otherwise they would die, for their impurity would defile my Tabernacle that stands among them. (‭Leviticus‬ ‭15‬:‭31‬ NLT)

God is Holy and therefore His people most be pure and holy as well. All of this makes me so incredibly thankful for Jesus. I'm so glad the veil was torn and because of Jesus as the ultimate sacrifice I no longer have to operate under the law of purification, ect. Thinking about God viewing me through the veil of Jesus's righteousness truly gets me choked up. 

Thankful for a redeemed day. Thankful that my frailties draw me closer to Jesus if I let them.


Tuesday, February 03, 2015

DAY 1626: LEVITICUS 8-10

Tired and grumpy and waiting for sheets to dry. Not having a brain is a bummer sometimes. Thankful for more energy today! Got an entire day of school done but it was an adventure with a sweet baby chupacabra who is teething and has an ear infection and an exhausted and extremely loud three year old destructor! Glad I'm all for an adventure!

Excited for my hubs who started the first week of training in the citizens police academy. Hurray for margin!!
Lev 8:
My body is whooped so one chapter it is. Can't wait to dream about eating a chicken sandwich.

The phrase "he/they obeyed ALL that he commanded" stood out today. Obedience is a big deal. May I be faithful and obedient in much and may my offspring be as well.


Monday, February 02, 2015


Thankful for my amazing hubs and my sweet kids. Got to see my middle boy in his coop kinder class for the first time. I have to say I wanted to cry. I'm so thankful for this coop for my kids. It can be a beating and this morning would have been awesome spent in pj's but it's been such a great thing for our family and such a blessing. Incredibly thankful.

Leviticus 4-7:
Verse of the day is strong!

Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. (‭1 John‬ ‭2‬:‭15-16‬ NLT)

This so precisely narrows down the cheap substitutes this world has to offer that i so often trade in for Jesus. This world is all about living for the right here and the right now. It has nothing to offer but a cheap momentary thrill that is only fleeting.

What a reminder of the cost of sin through sacrifice. The blood, the gore, the expense, constant reminders of the weight of our sin. Thankful the veil was torn but praying that I don't loose sight of the vast amounts of grace I'm bestowed daily.



Still so much churn over church. I feel like in some ways I've been "ruined" forever. Or rather my view and perspective has changed forever. It's been in the making but recent events have only microwaved things. In some ways there seems to be blaring contradictions that I'm really wrestling to reconcile. In all this I know is my prideful heart and critical spirit. All that to say I know I'm a sinful beast and part of my wrestling is wrestling with my sinful self. I do think part of it might also be wrestling with what it means that scripture is sufficient and Jesus is enough.

I remember being at a youth ministry conference and hearing the guy talk about not getting wrapped up in an awesome youth program and forgetting that scripture is enough. I think sometimes it gets easy to get lost in the wow of programming that we forget the wow of Jesus. 

Today the first part of the sermon felt very much like a task list of work to do. I know that's not the heart but today I heard do more. I didn't hear the message of grace today. I did later when the stream messed up and I got to hear an unexpected beautiful message. God wants to invite us into the mission with Him but frankly He doesn't need us. He can use a speaking ass to carry out His message, He doesn't NEED us. How much more does God delight when we choose to share our lives and the gospel with others because of the joy of what He's done for us rather than out of guilt or compulsion? He loves us, He loves us, He loves us!!! I don't know why He loves us but He does. I do agree that there are people who claim to know Jesus that do need to be spurred on to step out of their comfort zones. If we are not willing to share our lives with those we have opportunity with then I have to wonder if the bigger problem is that we haven't fully grasped the concept of grace. Fully grasping grace doesn't just mean that we understand that we are forgiven it also means realizing just how desperately we need grace. When we begin to grasp just how much we need Jesus and how much He has done for us we simply can't keep ourselves from loving others and telling others about the goodness of God. 

I'm not knocking this missional thing out of the park by any means. Yet I know my focus on being missional in the past has been warped. I've served at the expense of my family. I'm the only mom these kids will have and I'm the only wife that Les has to neglect these roles is foolishness. At times, I've been a fool.  I'm thankful for a season with more margin that is going to allow for us to love our neighbors in a way that I've longed for. Thankful for organic and creative ideas that have begun to flow that I can easily involve my kids in. 

Again so much churn. I feel like I've found my new niche and yet I wonder what that really means moving forward. I wonder what it means about things I've done in the past and things that will give rise in the future. For whatever reason the word meekness is resounding in my head. I know this is a quality I need much growth in. I know I'm not making much sense and I wish I could fully process or get out all that is swirling around in my head. For my own sanity I think the two bullet points of today are:
1. What does it mean that the gospel is sufficient? In other words what should this look like as a church? 

2. Has my "service" to God been more about me than about truly serving God? This one really stinks. Being faithful about completing the daily doldrums is just as important and grow me just as much as a more exciting mission field. Faithfulness, humility, meekness are the things God wants to grow me in my everyday mission field. It's just not as nearly as fun. 

Thankful for a hubs who has served my tired, grumpy, couch potato booty lately.

Thankful for time with sweet precious friends tonight.

Leviticus 1-3:
I love how this book starts off:

The LORD called to Moses from the Tabernacle and said to him, (‭Leviticus‬ ‭1‬:‭1‬ NLT)

I love the idea of The Lord calling to us, beckoning us to relationship and intimacy with Him. This helps set the tone for me. These instructions are not a list of back breaking requirements but rather an invitation to commune with The Lord. 

One day I will create a chart that keeps all the sacrifices in an organized way so my brain can grasp it all. Till then I'm stirred by the phrase: it is a special gift. It gets me choked up thinking about being able o offer something to God that He would consider a special gift. I want to do that. I don't want my offering to be tainted with yeast. I want my life to be a special gift to The Lord and to those around me. God help me to love you the way my spirit longs to love you. You are my greatest treasure and reward and yet my heart is so fickle and prone to wander. I'm so thankful that I'm yours.