Thursday, April 30, 2015

Lay It Down

Thankful to get time in my prayer closet this morning. I was able to piece apart all the intensity I felt seeing a picture of my boy yesterday getting ready for an EEG. I think it brought me back to two things. 1. The heaviness of the events that have gone down since the summer. 2. All things involving my little boy and the weight of it. I forget what this new phase of life started from.

Realized today I should just write down the things I feel most shameful about in my last nine years of parenting. It's time to lay those things down at His feet. I think yesterday more than anything struck a nerve and brought to the surface that I still very much feel shame and guilt over what happened to my sweet boy last year. I hate that I didn't piece together the things that he said and the changes in behavior or even circle back up to find out if his teacher was still making his little red flags go off. Instead I served my boy on a platter and handed him over to the wolves. I can't make the shame and the guilt go away. But I know my Daddy can heal this heart that aches over the things I wish I would have done or the things that I wish that I could change.

It's a strange paradox to wish something had never happened and yet be thankful all at the same time. I wish growth and change and new perspective could have come about in a different way but I'm thankful for the changes. I know my pride has taken a hit in all of this and yet I know there's so much more that needs to be rooted out. I do continue to pray that God would humble this prideful self sufficient beast that dwells within. I really think a big part of having eyes that see and ears that hear is a spirit of humility.

So much more in my head but exhaustion is taking over thankfully.

2 C 30:
This chapter is beautiful for so many reasons. Repentance, hearts turned towards the Lord, earnest prayer, the Lord's abundant grace and rejoicing in the Lord.

D

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Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Wrecked

This picture has me undone today. Much regret over how I've handled things today. Feel like I've dismissed this kid yet again and I wasn't there for him when he was scared. God snap me out of my own selfish self centeredness that makes me a dismissive parent.

Sitting heavy in the fact that we are but dust. Today I've mourned the loss of being able to sit face to face with God and ask Him question after question. It can feel so very one sided sometimes. Maybe He's constantly answering and I simply don't have eyes that see or ears that hear. I wish that I did. Yet I think of the garden and even in the very presence of the Lord Adam and Eve chose to be their own gods and go their own way. I do rest in His Sovereignty over the deaf and the blind.

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Tired and hormonal yet again. Thankful for sun this afternoon. Oh how that Vitamin D does a body good. The above boy has one more test to go which I'm assuming will mean sedation. Thankful at this point all of the testing is precautionary. The dr thinks his dizzy spells are possibly migraines. My oldest has had a few headaches lately that would fit the migraine bill. I think spring generally can produce more migraines which would explain the increase of his complaints.

2 chronicles 29:
King Hez starts his reign off with a bang. He immediately starts to restore the temple of the Lord and charges the Levites to do their jobs. He's an inspiring leader who not only desires to walk steadfastly with the Lord but puts reform in place to spur the people of Judah to do the same.

D



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Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Wee River

Somebody peed in my Cheerios this morning. Or rather two kids peed in my bed. Woke up in the "wee" hours of the morning in a river of fun. I stormed off to the couch and have been a wonderful peach the entire day. Feel like tonight was redeemed a little with homemade pokey o's and a way later than should be bedtime due to the kids and I being engrossed in the story of our newest friends, The Penderwicks. Thankful for the sweet redemption of the day and thankful I get to pass the put the kids to bed solo baton to my partner in crime the next couple nights. He's so much better at it than I am. 

Hoping for a less chaotic day hormonally and that some time away from my previous ones will help soothe the grumpy beast that dwells within right now. I'm not holding my breath but at any rate at least my beloved family will get a break from me as well. 

2 Chronicles 26-28:
Not much inspiring in these chapters. Instead they are like flashing neon signs that say beware.

Here are the high points of these chapters in bullets:

But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall. He was unfaithful to the Lord his God, and entered the temple of the Lord to burn incense on the altar of incense. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭26‬:‭16‬ NIV)

I do fear failure but I often wonder why. It seems as if failure does a better job of binding hearts to Christ than success. 

Jotham grew powerful because he walked steadfastly before the Lord his God. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭27‬:‭6‬ NIV)

Jotham was steadfast yet he didn't bring about any kind of reform or challenge to the hearts of the people.

In his time of trouble King Ahaz became even more unfaithful to the Lord. He offered sacrifices to the gods of Damascus, who had defeated him; for he thought, "Since the gods of the kings of Aram have helped them, I will sacrifice to them so they will help me." But they were his downfall and the downfall of all Israel. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭28‬:‭22-23‬ NIV)

Dark times surrounded the reign of Ahaz. He followed the detestable practices of the people the Lord had driven out with much zeal even sacrificing his own children. 

D



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Monday, April 27, 2015

Distracted

Distracted tonight as my thoughts are with friends that I love. Praying for the beginning of beautiful restoration that only the Lord can orchestrate. May beauty be brought out of a season of ashes. 

2 Chronicles 21-25:
Definitely not as jazzed tonight as I was about last nights reading. Started off really taken aback by this verse:

He followed the ways of the kings of Israel, as the house of Ahab had done, for he married a daughter of Ahab. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭21‬:‭6‬ NIV)

Jehoshaphat created an alliance with King Ahab through marriage. Did he sell his son down the river for peace with a wicked King of Israel? If so, where things set in motion for generations due to his folly? I don't fully understand how marriages worked back in the day especially as royalty. I imagine it's possible Jehoram didn't have much say in who he was to marry. At some point, he is still responsible for the actions that he takes. But did his dad roll a huge stumbling block right onto his son's path? Incredibly humbling to think about. Our sin impacts so much more than just ourselves. 

This is the other gut wrenching thing these chapters possess:

Then the Spirit of God came on Zechariah son of Jehoiada the priest. He stood before the people and said, "This is what God says: 'Why do you disobey the Lord's commands? You will not prosper. Because you have forsaken the Lord, he has forsaken you.' " But they plotted against him, and by order of the king they stoned him to death in the courtyard of the Lord's temple. King Joash did not remember the kindness Zechariah's father Jehoiada had shown him but killed his son, who said as he lay dying, "May the Lord see this and call you to account." (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭24‬:‭20-22‬ NIV)

Jehoiada was one of the main the reasons Joash even became king. While Jehoiada was alive he was salt to Joash and had great impact on the success of the King. Once Jehoiada died Joash began to show his true colors. So incredibly painful and disheartening to see this kind of selfish wicked rebellion. Apart from the Lord I'm capable of the same wicked deeds. I can definitely see why the Lord hates lukewarm Christians by reading these. God may you create a new heart in me that is not fickle to following you and your ways.

D

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Sunday, April 26, 2015

Jumping Jehoshaphat

Trying to tame the jungle called my brain is no easy task these days. The brain fog is insane! Streamed the service today after being up way too late last night. Thankful we did. Understanding more and more why I've heard "stay the course". The churn is subsiding and can feel myself settling nicely into contentedness. My dreams of land and visions of Christmas lights have not gone away but I am confident we are exactly where we are supposed to be right now. The right now might be forever or for only a season or two more but either way finally over wrestling and quiet contentment has taken over. I do think half my battle is fear of screwing it all up.

On another note, my boys managed to push in a part of the ceiling of their room. I can't help but laugh thinking how ignorant I once was of the destructive power that is bound up in boys. I know I keep coming back to this but I think it's God's sweet way of laughing with my over my prideful heart and how He's stripping away layer upon layer simply through being a mother. I read a book where the authors' described the destruction their boys had caused over the years and I remember talking it over with my hubs and both of us thinking that their boys had to be completely out of control. Oh what a foolish pride mother I was with my then one year old son. Oh the great joys and crazy frustration being a boy mom has brought me over the years. So very very thankful. Sweet beautiful sanctification.

2 Chronicles 17-20:
I loved these chapters tonight. So much in my head about them. Wish I could capture it in beautiful words. Instead I think all I can muster is a hallelujah!! Seriously how amazing is our God!?

Jehoshaphat is quite the dude. He loves God and yet struggles with wisdom on who to form alliances with. I can kinda see how he messed up with Ahab. He becomes an in-law and Israel and Judah were once United. It seems as if the alliance makes sense. Yet Ahab consistently shows his rebellion against the Lord through the council he takes and the actions he makes. This is where I don't get why King Jehoshaphat goes into battle with him especially after hearing the prophet Micaiah. Micaiah is a total rockstar. Prayed tonight that my children would have his same boldness to speak truth even when the rest of the world is deceived by folly and lies.

Here is who my God is though. Jehoshaphat makes a foolish decision to go with Ahab into battle. Not only that he is okay with wearing his kingly robes when he had just heard that Ahab would have a big fat target on him. Either he trusts so much in God's protection that he goes along or he's one heck of a people pleaser or he's temporarily lost his mind. It just doesn't make any sense on this side of the bible. Even though he chose foolishly when he cries out to the Lord when the enemy is in hot pursuit of him God rescues Him. I keep wondering why. Here's what I think and what I need to rest in. God doesn't completely hammer us when we make foolish choices. He knows we are but dust and we are going to really mess it up sometimes. He is not freaked out by our royal mistakes.

Here's the thing though. God sends someone to tell Jehoshaphat that he made a foolish choice. This is where we should listen and give heed to God's correction. Jehoshaphat did not do this and once again forms an alliance with another person who does not follow the Lord and it does not go well with him.

On a side note, this is one of the many things I've admired about my hubs in our new season. He hasn't been quick to align himself with people who don't possess the same values that he does. As he's looking for certain businesses to partner with him if he's seen character defects he's chosen to go another route even if there's been great reviews of the person or company. Love how he leads with integrity. Very thankful for that and pray that same desire to be above reproach is passed down to our kiddos.

Back to Jehoshaphat. Love how he handles the impending threat of a vast army from Moab and Ammon. There is so much in chapter 20 that gets me so geeked up about God. Here's the things that I'm reminded of
1. Self reliance will get you nowhere. Jehoshaphat immediately turns to the Lord and asks for help and direction. He leads all of Judah to do the same.

2. Lean not upon your own understanding. God tells him he will not have to fight so don't be discouraged or afraid and stand firm. In our limited understanding of how things work there's no way not having to fight makes any sense and yet Jehoshaphat believes and leans not on his own understanding.

3. Give thanks in ALL circumstances. They are marching into battle and this is how they choose to approach their situation:

After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying: "Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever." (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭20‬:‭21‬ NIV)

Having one of those intense "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?" moments. I want to drive around to all my favorite people right now and just bask in the wonderful glories contained in this chapter. Can you believe our God? How can He be so good to us who are but dust? Why do I worry about a single thing? He's got us! He doesn't grow weary. He doesn't sleep. He's got this and He holds each of us in His hands.

D

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Stubborn Self Sufficiency

Jumped the gun on sending this out tonight. Trying to gather my thoughts on the day. Realized today I'm once again stuck in a vicious battle with myself over my body not doing what I want it to do. I feel very much like a stubborn self sufficient stinkpot. I get frustrated by my own unmet expectations and often take that frustration out on the ones I love around me. Total stink! I wish I wasn't such a brat and was better at embracing the season I'm in. 

Thankful for a dear friend who was willing to share her struggle today. Such great perspective today because of it. Love how things can so easily be diffused simply by bringing things into the light. Also reminded today just how fragile every single one of us can be. There's not a single person on this planet that has it all together. We are all just sinners in desperate need of God's grace. I shouldn't be surprised that I struggle with the same junk over and over. I pray God for His faithfulness to change and grow me over the years but I'll always be a hot mess on this side of heaven and so will everybody else. That's relieving in a lot of ways! So thankful for grace.

On another note, my hubs in on his ride along with the police department right now and pretty confident he is happier than a kid in a candy shop right now. Thankful for this opportunity for him! 

2 Chronicles 13-16:
Great stuff in these chapters. Winding down though so bullet points.

1. How crazy painful was it for God to see Israel and Judah at war with each other? I think about how sad and frustrated I get when my kids fight with each other. I can only imagine how much this must have grieved God's heart. Because of Abijah's reliance on the Lord Judah prevailed over king Jeroboam of Israel.

The Israelites were subdued on that occasion, and the people of Judah were victorious because they relied on the Lord, the God of their ancestors. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭13‬:‭18‬ NIV)

Really need "because they relied on the Lord they were victorious" tattooed across my forehead. 

2. Struggling with King Asa tonight. What the heck happened? He was so zealous for the Lord he had everyone who would not seek the Lord put to death!!! Hard to imagine a heart that fully devoted turning on the last few laps. Ugh!! Great men fall every single day.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭10‬:‭12‬ NIV)

3. Need to wrestle with these two verses in light of how Asa ends his reign as King.

Although he did not remove the high places from Israel, Although he did not remove the high places from Israel, Asa's heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭15‬:‭17‬ NIV)

Although he did not remove the high places, Asa's heart was fully committed to the Lord all his life. (‭1 Kings‬ ‭15‬:‭14‬ NIV)

Maybe instead of looking at how Asa could have been fully committed all his life with his actions towards the end I need to be asking myself what are the high places in my life that will keep me from finishing strong?

D
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Saturday, April 25, 2015

Friday, April 24, 2015

WHOLE NEW WORLD

My oldest put the baby to bed while I cleaned up from dinner. Whole new amazing world!!! Can't believe it will only be a few short years before we'll be putting her in charge so we can slip away for dates or errands run without a small army of children. It happens so quick!!!

Today continued the week of feeling off and generally like poo. Again thankful to be in a season where I know I can pass out on the couch day or night and know nobody is going to die.

Had a season of some pretty early bedtimes due to kiddos not getting their stuff done. Still struggling on the school pace but thankful for a better week of kids getting chores done. They really can be super helpful. School has been harder but I think the weather and more overall inactivity has helped add to inability to stay focused. Hoping we can knock out most of the boring bookwork by summer so we just have the fun stuff to do over the summer.

Hoping to knock out some chapters in 2 Chronicles tonight and get caught up. Reality is I will read a chapter or two and then pass out. It's a glamorous life I lead. Wouldn't trade it for anything!

D

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Thursday, April 23, 2015

THE NUMBER ELEVEN

It's crazy how much difference a couple years can make. My oldest made my hubs and I breakfast to celebrate 11 years of martial bliss. Love how she loves to celebrate others and especially us. Love that girl and her heart. So thankful God knew His plan for her and our other kiddos when He joined Les and I together. He's been so crazy good to us these past eleven years through the ups and the downs. There's nobody else I'd rather be on this grand adventure with. So thankful for him.

So thankful that God brought us here almost nine years ago so that we could be better trained up and equipped. Our marriage has benefited greatly while being at WM and I'm so crazy thankful. Thankful God is ever so faithful and patient with His children. Thankful for the legacy God is writing through our marriage. I pray we walk faithfully and humbly with the Lord and our children choose to do the same. I hope that they witness in the times of joy and the times of struggle that Jesus is our only hope and the only thing that is truly real in this crazy world we live in.

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Felt off physically most of the day. Kind of a bummer on an anniversary but we can always get a redo.

Fading fast 2 Cor 6-7.

D

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THE BROKEN PIECES

Ditching counting numbers. Will count years but not days. Have a friend who titles her journal entries and I really like that. It will probably require more brain power than I have but worth a shot. 

Tonight was an experience. There were so many things I loved about it. I love being in people's homes. I love seeing the different parts of them reflected in the place that they dwell. I love seeing people do what they are passionate about and understanding more pieces to their story. I love the ministry I got to be apart of tonight. I loved every part of taking broken pieces to make something beautiful. Tonight the hostess talked about a Matthew Party. Oh how I would love to be apart of one of those. At the same time I'm pained knowing there's not a list of people in my life that I could even invite to a Matthew Party these days. Saddened by that. Looking forward to the upcoming block party and praying for enlarged opportunity. 

Discovering more and more the awkward nature of getting caught up with people. How are you can be the most loaded question ever. I feel like I'm good. Understand God's goodness in a fuller way than I did a year ago. Still in the thick of a season of churning on lots of things. I'm not a level ten WM enthusiast anymore. I've seen a side of things that has unfortunately changed things forever. It was a lot less complicated to be a level 10 enthusiast. I love the people a lot and I can even say I love and I'm thankful for the leadership. I think the real issue is that as much as I love the people God has so richly blessed me with here my heart yearns for something different.

I read a blog post today that broke my heart and resonated with something deep within me. The heart wrenching part was reading about her three year old asking her if she was going to die and wondering who would take care of him if she did. Tear your heart out words splashed upon a screen. Oh how that woman continues to give her every ounce to the Lord in the midst of immense sorrow. She also wrote about seeing her husband come alive while on an anniversary trip out of the city. When I'm away from this place I feel as if I can breath in deep. Maybe there's a part of me that feels as if I discount all that God has blessed us here in wanting something else. Maybe I feel like a traitor. The friendships we have here are a treasure and I know that full well. Yet I just want to be able to breath and feel alive. I know that doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me either. I can't shake this though. I can't shake the vision in my head of the country and Christmas lights and children running around and picnic tables filled with food and believers and those who don't yet know the Lord personally. I don't even know if this even exists or if it's some figment of my imagination. 
Ultimately I need to just be okay with feeling like an outsider. I need to keep staying the course and remain. It's so great to wrestle. Bleh.

2 chronicles 6:
Sol's prayer is eerily prophetic. 

He prayed, "O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you in all of heaven and earth. You keep your covenant and show unfailing love to all who walk before you in wholehearted devotion. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭6‬:‭14‬ NLT)

Help me to walk in full hearted devotion.

D
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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

DAY 1701: 2 Chronicles 1-5

Wanted to pull the covers over my head this morning and hide all day. Had a crazy dream last night that has brought out all my demons. That combined with the ache I feel for a precious friend has left me quite the mess today. I feel as if I could weep a thousand tears.

I keep praying for humility and an end to self reliance. Maybe the place I've landed today is just an answer to prayer. I can see how the Lord has continued to restore this work in process. I'm triggered and yet guilt and shame are not the prevailing voices in my head. Don't get me wrong the temptation to walk that road is still very near but today rather than shame I weep for the broken girl that I was. I don't know why He chose to rescue me. I don't know why He dragged me Sent from my iPhone

My Brownies tore at my heartstrings today. They get easier physically but older children can surely drain the emotional energy. Most of the day was spent dealing with some tough heart issues. Thankful this is just as important as the school stuff but by the afternoon I was whooped already. Thankful for a solo trip to Costco to at least escape to the quiet for a bit.

2 Chronicles 1-5:
Not many thoughts tonight. Lots of details which are my favorite. I do love how God provides for every step of the way for the Temple to be built. Thankful He cares about the details and is very involved with orchestrating every last detail. 

This verse just reminds me of how easy it is to have a fickle heart.
There, before the Ark, King Solomon and the entire community of Israel sacrificed so many sheep, goats, and cattle that no one could keep count! (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭5‬:‭6‬ NLT)

Israel is fired up right now but it doesn't take long till they are sacrificing to every cheap god under the sun. Lord may fickle heart be changed to bow down to only you.

This is just lovely to think about:
The trumpeters and singers performed together in unison to praise and give thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals, and other instruments, they raised their voices and praised the LORD with these words: "He is good! His faithful love endures forever!" At that moment a thick cloud filled the Temple of the LORD. The priests could not continue their service because of the cloud, for the glorious presence of the LORD filled the Temple of God. (‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭5‬:‭13-14‬ NLT)

He is good! His faithful love endures forever!

D

Monday, April 20, 2015

DAY 1700

Heart incredibly heavy tonight for a precious friend. Hard to focus much when those you love are hurting.

Today definitely felt like a Monday but it was a beautiful Monday. Thankful for time spend outside in the front yard and lots of run ins with neighbors. 

Hit hard today wondering what to do if anything for the anxiety and fear one of my kiddos deals with on a daily basis. Overall I wouldn't call this kiddo anxious because it only manifests itself in one way but I wonder if this could lead to other anxiety and fear down the road. I would hate that for this kid or for any kid for that matter. I could see how this could be something that is outgrown but I also know anxiety and fear runs in my family. Today I felt the heaviness that the current route we are taking just isn't working.

Maybe today I just felt the heaviness of not having an instruction manual for these kids. Each one of them has something right now, except for the three year old, that I'm not completely sure what to do about. Need to pray so much more than I'm praying now. As much as I wish I had the answers for each of these sweet Brownies not having them is a much more beautiful place. It leads me to Jesus and that is exactly where I need to be.

Read this morning in 1 Chronicles and finished the book this afternoon. Will hopefully be fully caught up on the Daily Walk by tomorrow. Wish I had some deep thoughts tonight but allergies are putting a hurt on me and can't think straight through sinus pressure.

This verse caught my eye twice today.
They feasted and drank in the LORD's presence with great joy that day. And again they crowned David's son Solomon as their new king. They anointed him before the LORD as their leader, and they anointed Zadok as priest. (‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭29‬:‭22‬ NLT)

I look forward to the day of great feasting in the presence of the Lord. Beautiful!

D
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Sunday, April 19, 2015

DAY 1699: 1 Chronicles 17-

1. My girl who has been hopeful of becoming stinky has finally arrived. Spend today in a combination of comforting a girl who cried over not wanting to grow up and hearing about her excitement of some of the first signs of her starting to grow up. Think I need to buckle my seat belt because this might be a wild ride for all of us.

2. Boys clothes are switched out and I feel like doing an Irish Jig. Just occurred to me that there is probably some boy clothes still hiding in mount clean laundry. Might just burn those and continue doing my jig.

3. Crazy beautiful day outside and bummed to spend most of it indoors. Wish it was easier for me to want to work first and play later.

1 chronicles 17-21:
No big thoughts and heavy eyes. Thankful His Word never returns void!

D

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Saturday, April 18, 2015

DAY 1698: 1 CHRONICLES 12-

1. Took a shower to rinse off evil pollen and the thunder reminded me of Costa Rica. I loved the outdoor shower. My prayer closet moved outside in sheer beauty. Loved that I got to experience that AND at times in thunder. Watching Oceans to help settle in some kids and getting glimpses of the absolute beauty the Lord has created. Again reminds me of Costa Rica. My heart longs for that kind of beauty. I know a lot of the ache to be in the beauty of God's created is the ache and longing to be in heaven. Yet while I'm still here on this earth it would be a blessing to breath in deep the beauty of God's creation. Oh how I commune with God in nature. The photographer/videographer of this Moving Art Series is a believer. I could tell just by watching his films. There's no way you can capture so breathtaking wonder and not see the very face of God. Or at least tell the story in the way that he chosen to tell it.

2. Thankful for a fun tank filling weekend spent with friends. Thankful to have gotten home safe before what looked like a nasty storm hit. Thankful friends are safe tonight.

3. Feel like I'm getting pieces to the puzzle for one of Sent from my iPhone

4. Just when I think it's settled down Montana songs it's siren song once again. This town in particular has wooed me.

Friday, April 17, 2015

DAY 1697: 1 CHRONICLES 12-

Going to make this short in hopes of getting caught up on the Daily Walk. Feel like I'm crazy behind on so many things in life this being one of them.

1. Thankful for a fun day spending time with friends. I sat around a campfire and ate and chatted with friends all day while my kids had a blast exploring.

2. Thankful for a hubs who is wise about the season we are in. Praying for friends out in the monsoon. There is part of me that wishes we would have the crazy story and the camaraderie of camping in a downpour. There is a right season and time for that though and just thankful for my hubs knowing the reality of our situation.

Shower has made me super sleepy. Might just stay super behind for now.

1 Chron 12:
This chapter confirms how God chose David as King and how the people gladly accepted the idea of him being King.

D

Thursday, April 16, 2015

DAY 1697: 1 CHRONICLES 10-

1. Thankful for my hubs who is fun and adventurous and also wise. He made a great call to turn what was supposed to be a camping weekend into a weekend of day trips to the camp grounds. I have a beautiful allergy meets cold combo and getting sleep in my own bed is really the best thing for my exhausted self right now. Wisdom is not always fun but surely is always the best.

2. Thankful for a great conversation with my Luke. Could weep over the many mistakes I've made with that amazing boy but instead going to focus on Christ and embrace gratitude that God gave us eyes to start seeing that boy for who he really is.

3. Read an interesting article about being a stay at home mom today. I think the author has been misrepresented a bit and a couple lines she wrote were the focus rather than her entire article. The thing that really caught my attention though was how her overall take on stay at home moms was how much they complained. I can be a huge complainer and I know I complain about motherhood and being a SAHM. The job is hard. So so so crazy hard. You don't get strokes as a SAHM that you would from a career doing something else. However, you do get to be at home raising your children and what a beautiful honor and privilege and blessing that is. I don't expect this world to get that but I should. Yet often I buy the lie that this parenting gig should be easy or that my life should be. Lord help me to lean into the wonderful sanctification of motherhood and learn how to rejoice and give thanks. Let me not grumble and forsake the amazing blessing you have bestowed upon me.

1 Chronicles:
Hate that the first 9 chapters 1 Chronicles is a wonderful remedy for insomnia. I got through a chapter and a half and couldn't keep my eyes open. Then I "cheated" and listened to the chapters instead of reading them. I'm definitely more of a visual learner than an auditory learner. Actually a combination approach is best. Needless to say I know I missed stuff. There are some great jewels through out that are very ponder worthy. I did fear getting too far behind and becoming discouraged so something is better than nothing. Might only make it through a chapter tonight as this allercold is stomping me. That's another way to kick insomnia in the face, get sick.

Eyes closing two chapters in for today. Lots of catchup to do. Thankful for this time.

D

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

DAY 1696: 1 CHRONICLES 1-9

Insomnia is killing me softly. I think I have hit that too tired to fall asleep point. I don't know but my mind is quickly deteriorating. If I don't get some decent sleep tomorrow the best I may be able to do is grunt to communicate.

Sweet time with my big girl this morning. Circled back with her about how I saw her dying to self this morning and it lead to a great conversation and us both getting choked up. Cherish those sweet moments. All of this will go by so quickly.

Oh man LB has a killer poo on deck. Could make for another long night.

1 chron 1-9:
Hoping this long list of names will help the insomnia. Hate that's the first place I go but keeping it real.

Off to read till I pass out or my phone dies.

D

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

DAY 1695: 2 KING 22-25

Fun day with sweet friends and two dozen kids. Ready to sleep for a couple days. Lack of sleep is definitely continuing to mount at a not fun pace. Angry when sweet ones woke me up repeatedly last night. I am probably over spiritualizing sleep but I've now attributed to the multiple wake ups one right after another especially when in need of sleep to spiritual warfare. Really I'm beginning to think lack of sleep is more of a spiritual issue than I'd like to think. My mouth would indicate this to be true.

2 K 22-25:
Unfortunately mailing this in tonight. Hate that. I do heart king Josiah. Crazy to me that Passover was not observed through the time of the judges or any of the Kings including David.

Neither before nor after Josiah was there a king like him who turned to the Lord as he did—with all his heart and with all his soul and with all his strength, in accordance with all the Law of Moses. (‭2 Kings‬ ‭23‬:‭25‬ NIV)

It's hard to read about Josiah's reform because you get a full picture of how much Judah has walked away from the Lord. Our hearts truly are bent towards evil unless the Lord chooses to heal our spiritual blindness in order to set us free. Thankful He chose me!!

After Josiah it goes down hill till King Neb finally devastates Judah.

D

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Monday, April 13, 2015

DAY 1694: 2 KING 15-21

Today was a bit of a struggle. Kids hyper and shut in and I got very little sleep last night. I was very zombie like today in the midst of the chaos and I know my thoughts were not all together. Definitely had a moment when I could see where I could have spiraled but thankful to be able to bring it into the light and remember to take thoughts captive. My struggles flare up pretty quickly and intensely in the midst of extreme exhaustion. 

Struggled last night to find sleep through a storm, restless baby, crazy headache and pretty intense internal churn. It took awhile to figure out but I think last night I was triggered and it tapped into pain Les and I experienced in Portland. I do think our latest round of church drama has been far more difficult but where I was at maturity wise Portland might have been far more wounding possibly? Maybe in Portland I was much more alone given the fact that I still struggled greatly to trust the goodness of God and His crazy love for me. Oh how fragile and easily wounded everyone truly is. The verse bear with one another in brotherly love comes to mind in the midst of this. 
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Rock of Ages wooed me today as I truly desired to hide myself in Thee. I love how God pursues my heart. Oh how this wayward girl has kicked and screamed and at times still does. He never lets go. It is interesting to me how marriage does parallel my relationship with God. I do remember first "coming back" or maybe diving in wholeheartedly for the first time. The passion and zeal I had to sit at the Lord's feet was very much like the intensity of dating and engagement. The infatuation has worn and real life sets in. The highs and lows of life wear on and love that was once fueled by infatuation begins to grow and mature and year by year only gets better with time as you truly get to know the other person in increasingly intimate ways. There is history of great triumphs, joy, sorrow and pain spent together. It truly is beautiful. Thankful the Lord is the bedrock of my marriage and the bedrock of my life. 

2 Kings 15-21:
Lots of catching up needed before the crazy pace picks up in Chronicles. Can't get behind on those long days or it's really hard to get back on the horse. 

15:
Really need to make a chart of the Kings. It begins to get really confusing to keep any of it straight. 

This is interesting to me:
He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, just as his father Amaziah had done. (‭2 Kings‬ ‭15‬:‭3‬ NIV)

The Lord afflicted the king with leprosy until the day he died, and he lived in a separate house. Jotham the king's son had charge of the palace and governed the people of the land. (‭2 Kings‬ ‭15‬:‭5‬ NIV)

These two verses don't seem to go together and yet they do. This seems to be the ultimate reminder that this life is not for my comfort or even my enjoyment. The picture is so much bigger than myself. I get this when I look at life from a big picture perspective but I forget it daily when I'm drilled down in the minutia of the here and now. I pray God will heal me of the spiritual blindness that keeps me focused on the temporal rather than the eternal. My days would change radically if I could truly see my days with eyes that could truly see. 

16-21:
Already wanting to pass out. Not looking good for getting caught up. Boo! I love just sitting with a bible open in my lap or the feel of it in my hands. Biblical osmosis would be pretty fantastic. 

Made it! There's lots of bleakness and then comes Hezekiah. He's awesome and the first king to not only follow God but also tear down the high places and destroy the other idol worship within the land. Love the story of the encounter of Hezekiah and Senacherub. Crazy hard situation that looks entirely bleak and Judah doesn't even have to fight. They remained silent, sought the Lord and the Lord fought for them. 

As awe inspiring as Hezekiah is, his son is equally as disheartening. Manasseh has the zeal and passion his father does only it's directed towards the worship of idols and false gods. He's so passionate he sacrificed his own children and the people of Judah become more detestable than the people God wanted them to drive out and destroy. Heartbreaking. 

Every time I read about the sacrifice of children I can't help but think about abortion and how we live in a nation that also sacrifices its own children to idols. It is hard to read the moral decay of Israel and the results of their sin and not be painfully aware of the road we are traveling in America. If we continue down this path of moral decay, it will not go well for us. It is already not going well for us. 

D


DAY 1693: 2 KING 14--21

1. Thought I wrote this already because I had tried while keeping kids outside for today to let a sick hubs rest. Thankful my one brain cell clicked and remembered that it didn't happen.

2. Thankful for a nice day to keep minions outside. Love our home but six minions stuck inside because of rain with a sick parent is not a good combination. 

3. Thankful for community even when in the "hot seat".

4. Thankful that grace abounds and that God's plan and desire for each of us is to write a beautiful masterpiece.

5. Thankful for heart to heart talks with my big girl. Thankful that big girl still has a lot of little girl left. 

6. Thankful for a good talk with two little boys who lost privileges tonight. Thankful for contrite hearts and hopefully an understanding for our hearts for them. They are such great boys.

7. Thankful my two bigs got to see the fruit of working together tonight. I pray they begin to understand that together they can accomplish much more than when they choose to compete against one another. 

8. Thankful for my sweet kids and the sanctifying process of training and teaching them. I am so proud of every one of them.  It is such an honor, blessing and privilege to be their Momma.

9. Thankful for God's Word. Love how it cuts straight to the heart. 

2 Kings 14:
Still chewing on a verse from last night. It's a simple one but one that puts things into perspective for me.

Now Elisha had been suffering from the illness from which he died. Jehoash king of Israel went down to see him and wept over him. "My father! My father!" he cried. "The chariots and horsemen of Israel!" (‭2 Kings‬ ‭13‬:‭14‬ NIV)

I think there is still part of me that ascribes to the bowl of cherries view of Christianity. Once I choose to follow Jesus everything will be an easy bowl of cherries. I still remember having a conversation with a friend when it hit me that A+B does not equal C with God. Even His faithful die from illness, are martyred, face incredible difficulty and suffer. In this world there will be troubles. 

Tonight I was hit again with the intensity of the sadness of all that has gone on lately. I hate the turmoil that has surrounded church lately. I'm weary of not just being able to go to church without lots of processing and churning. I'm thankful for a reprieve at least during the service today. Loved hearing the heart and passion of the pastor for people to know and respond to a risen Savior. Now after meeting with community more stupid churn. I want more Sunday's like this morning where I can just go and be and have what the future is supposed to look like figured out. 

After tonight I really just want to be a church leech. I'm a weary traveler and I just want to pull up a seat and rest awhile. I think I've put pressure on myself to figure this out. Yet I know the answers already, at least in part. When things got turned upside down I clearly heard God say "stay the course". I firmly believe this is exactly what we are supposed to do. I haven't the slightest clue how long the course is or where it will end or even where it will lead. I know what I'm supposed to do and yet I keep trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I think because I don't know exactly where the course leads to it sounds ridiculous to say "well, we are staying the course" or "we're supposed to stay the course". I do get the sense that "staying the course" means to be right where we are at WM Plano. I think that's where we are supposed to remain until God says otherwise. I have no clue what the details are, how He will choose to work in our hearts or even what the outcome will be. 

Ch 14:
These chapters are so full of God leading and guiding according to His will and His purpose.

D

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Saturday, April 11, 2015

DAY 1692: 2 KINGS 6-13

Pretty sure I've eaten enough candy today to kill a diabetic. Beautiful day today but my Dallergies are going nuts. Dumb eardrum ruptured again and it's hard to breath. This reminds me to take my witches brew. Looking forward to heaven where evil pollen will become a thing long forgotten.

Sad to hear of the unexpected death of a friend's Daddy today. I'm reminded of something one of my neighbors told me last week. She gives thanks for everyday that she wakes up and is given the opportunity of another day. That's perspective. I know as my life continues to dwindle away I too will feel more and more just how much of a vapor all of this truly is. The seasons come and go quickly. May I make use of the moments in blessed with.

2 K 6-13:
Lots going on in these chapters. Super tired but going to bed pondering life and how God's hand is upon each of us.

D

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Friday, April 10, 2015

DAY 1691: 2 KINGS 5-8:

The last of the week of appts ended today. Wahoo!! Today's trip to the pediatrician has gained us another appointment to a neurologist for complaints of dizziness. I first heard a complaint back in October after my kiddo had been on a merry go round and complained about being dizzy for days afterwards. The same pattern of complaints of dizziness would occur after being on something like a tire swing or whatever. About a month ago same kiddo got a fever and he complained about dizziness for a few days then too. After that the complaints of dizziness has definitely increased and there hasn't been any specific thing to point to for the cause. Our pediatrician is great and said its probably nothing but that he recommended getting it checked out by a neurologist. I have always appreciated his willingness to be thorough but not an alarmist type of doctor.

I will admit to jumping on Google tonight. I've looked before about dizziness in kids and of course there's like a bazillion things it could be ranging from brain cancer to something with a fancy name that amounts to unexplained dizziness in kids that they tend to grow out of by age eight. It could even be evil pollen. Maybe the amount of complaints of stomach aches and woes have desensitized me but this just feels like another to do on the list. Thankful for the ways God has provided for us so that we can be diligent and take him to get seen by another doctor. God sweet hand of provision is everywhere.

We need a new stove and microwave. Always fun when things breakdown in pairs. We're getting a check from something Les did awhile back this month probably. The timing is sweet and I'm thankful for the sweet ways God reminds me that He has His hand upon us.

Lot of the day spent on the couch. Really tired today and my body hurts. Wish I had more moxy to push through but stuck on the couch snuggling with my babes wasn't too shabby today. Can't say any laundry got done or anything got accomplished but there's always tomorrow.

My neighbor and friend stopped by and thankful for an easy friendship where Sent from my iPhone

2 K 5-8:
I so get Naaman. All he has to do is bath in the disgusting Jordan River and dunk his head seven times. He is hacked about it and to make matters worse he was only greeted by a servant. I have the disease of entitlement. I want things easy and I want the kind of provision that I think I deserve.

This story of Namaan always reminds me of Shelter. I wanted the instant healing. The kind of healing that doesn't take work and doesn't require the dunking in memories and other gross things. I don't want to sit in the feelings of hurt, betrayal, grief, abandonment, ect. I wanted something epic. A supernatural healing that involved shortcuts and ease. Instead God beckoned me to the crappy Jordan River and I had to dunk again and again. It's very likely I'll have to continue to dunk in my own Jordan River which involves the painful process of sanctification.

Even now I don't want to wade in the grumpiness sea. I want God to take my character flaws including my grumpy pants instantly. I don't want to wade in my own crappy mess of sin and fight. I want epic instantaneous healing from myself. I think God does do this sometimes but I think it's rare and most often God desires to sit and walk and sometimes carry us through the journey.

(On another note rejoicing over a new sweet baby born today. Thank you God for such a sweet precious gift!)

Done for tonight. Hoping to get caught up tomorrow.

D

Thursday, April 09, 2015

DAY 1690: 2 KINGS 4

Thankful for my hubs and the tender compassion he had for one of our kiddos tonight when I had absolutely none. I'm pretty sure I should be sent to a deserted island for a couple months.

New game plan for family things that are not a good fit for everyone, two cars. As much as I romanticize nights like tonight being great family fun it's generally a royal beatdown. Littles will be littles and boys with little self control just aren't able to pull themselves together when younger siblings are running amuck. Two hours is a long time to be expected to be "good" when hopped up on cake as well. So gone are the days of unrealistic expectations and crazy. We will sit through two hour long programs one day easily as a family and I'll be weeping buckets as I watch pictures of my once babies grown up into lovely young adults. Slowly but surely learning wisdom on how to embrace the season we are in.

Testing went great today with one of my kiddos. Thankful to get the information we were hoping for. For now going to do a few things at home and take a wait and see approach to see how we proceed. Proud of that kid.

2 K 4:
God's provision all over this chapter. Elisha surely got his double portion that is for sure. What would it look like to have a confident faith like this? One thing is for certain about Elisha, he was not stopped by the circumstances around him. He had eyes that saw out of the box and a fierce faith that trusted that God's ability to provide whatever was needed even if it didn't make sense.

Love how even before JESUS providing daily bread was a simple task.

One day a man from Baal-shalishah brought the man of God a sack of fresh grain and twenty loaves of barley bread made from the first grain of his harvest. Elisha said, "Give it to the people so they can eat." "What?" his servant exclaimed. "Feed a hundred people with only this?" But Elisha repeated, "Give it to the people so they can eat, for this is what the LORD says: Everyone will eat, and there will even be some left over!" And when they gave it to the people, there was plenty for all and some left over, just as the LORD had promised. (‭2 Kings‬ ‭4‬:‭42-44‬ NLT)

D

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

DAY 1689: 2 KINGS 1-3

Weary of being a grumpy troll. I know this is part of the deal and par for the course but hate how hormones turn me into Jeckle and Hyde.

Went to Costco with just my three bigs and my expectation for the trip was off. My boys could have done better but they are still two young boys full of loads of energy and lots of Tom foolery. If I wasn't such a grumpy troll I would have handled it differently. I think part of my problem was that my expectations were completely off for the trip. With no littles I envisioned a magical trip where we bonded and where they got into the idea of serving others. That sounds realistic on planet nowhere! It got even more awesome as I called another car a name when they honked at me and then I drove super slow in front of them just to be a turd. I didn't drop a total bomb and I can't remember what word I did say but it did expose my awesome heart. The kids couldn't stop giggling about whatever I said. Great example! I did ask for forgiveness for my overall bad attitude and kids owned their part as well. My oldest said my grumpiness is worth it because moms with new babies are so happy. She kinda went on and on about it. We had dropped off food to two Momma's holding itty bitties so maybe the girl is on to something. Maybe I'm always too enamored with a friend's new little to even notice the difference. I do think new babies cause a flood of oxytocin even when it's not your own flesh and blood. Must be the newborn smell.

2 K 1-3:
Elijah goes out with a bang. I think I gloss over the chariot of fire as a children's fairy tale. Seriously though, if a prophet being taken out of this world by a chariot and horses made of fire doesn't cause some serious awe then I have no idea what will. Before that happens Elijah is taking out 50 men at a time by fire from the Lord and parted a river. Elisha asks for a double portion of the spirit Elijah had. Elijah was pretty stinking amazing. Inspiring for sure.

Love chapter 3. The story of the Kings of Judah, Israel and Edom running out of water on their way to fight Moab has impacted me for years now. These men were languishing from thirst. They call upon Elisha to give word from God and the Lord tells them to dig trenches. God promises to provide water to fill those trenches in a supernatural beyond man's understanding kinda way. They do it and because of their faith they are provided water. Not only that Moab can only explain the pools of water they are as blood and they think the Kings have turned on each other. When they come out to loot they get their tails kicked.

Love the message of continuing to preserve and dig trenches even when circumstances are uncomfortable and difficult. Keep digging that trench faithfully and He will provide.

----
Having some behavior stuff with one of our kiddos. This kid's "behavior issues" truly are nothing but for this kid in particular it's noticeable especially since this was going on during other things going on with this kid. I remembered last night that we were told this would be a possibility as therapy is moving into another phase. Trusting the Lord with the reality of things as they are. I know He's in the midst of it all.

Slightly nervous for another one of my kiddos who we are getting tested tomorrow. He's still up so not sure how that's going to work out for him for tomorrow. Praying for answers and hopefully a good plan for how to come alongside him. Not worried about results. I was kinda going down another possibility for him but this week again just saw where I think the issue truly has to do with language processing and possibly just coping strategies that have happened to compensate for lack of understanding. I think he'll even grow and mature out of it but in the meantime would love to be able to communicate better as a parent, teacher, ect. Praying for accurate results either way.

Phone dying.

D

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

DAY 1688: 1 Kings 20-22

Another early bedtime night for Brownies. They so love to play first and work last or rather not work at all. So FUN to see my character traits so loud and clear in my kids. Hoping we'll have a quick turn around to diligently getting work done and limited picking on siblings. We'll see. Did I mention they also got my stubborn genes?

Still battling discouragement over that stupid last math class. It was total chaos. Bleh!

The week of appointments got kicked off today. One day down, three more to go. Crazy thankful for such great medical care. I love our pediatrician and our dentist. We have one cavity and one tooth that needs to be pulled. Not bad for five little mouths. Thankful our dentist is conservative and has been willing to wait on that stubborn tooth. So far looks like we might fair well on the orthodontics train too. We have a kiddo or two with slight bite issues but really nothing that warrants braces. Hoping their little mouths stay the course. They certainly did not get their teeth from me!

Think I've figured out our curriculum / course of study for next year. Now to finish this year. Definitely going to be trucking through the summer but thankful to have the pool as a wonderful carrot on a stick. Having school on the schedule will actually help some of the summer chaos.

1 K 20-22:
The impact a wife can have is pretty huge. Ahab was kind of a big pouty baby. I think if it wasn't for Jezebel, not nearly as much evil would have happened nor would anything good or bad happened. I think Ahab would have just pouted and done nothing if left to his own.

Humbled by the many times it's mentioned how a king follows in the footsteps of his father. It's no easy task to raise minions. Even then we aren't guaranteed they will follow.

D



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Monday, April 06, 2015

DAY 1687: 1 Kings 17-19

In bed snuggling with Sent from my iPhone

Ended PATH as teacher of the year. My math class completely whooped me today. I really like those kids individually but trying to bridge the gap on the variety of skill in that class was a total whip. I will take the blame for not having the skill on how to bridge that gap. I do think that caused frustration for my students as well as for me especially today.

This afternoon definitely has me thinking about parenting and goals of homeschooling again. I don't want my kids to be crushed by an education system that is one size fits all. Having a half dozen children has given me the perspective that every single kid progresses at a different rate and learns in different ways. Thankful I can adapt as we go along. However, I don't want to take away opportunities for my kids to learn how to push through and learn perseverance. I want them to learn how to push past the burn. I want them to grow in determination and learn how to push through and run to that next tree even when they want to give up. I want my kids to have a fire in their bellies. Part of getting to teach them is getting to discover what excites them and then using their passions and gifting to teach them how to push through even when things are difficult. I don't want to raise a bunch of overly sheltered kids who won't even try when faced with a challenge. I want my kids to learn how to finish strong even when they are the last person running that last lap, finishing that last problem, ect. Some of my Brownies were born that way and some of mine are going to have to learn how to push through. Others are just going to have to learn humility in order to push through. Lots of thinking and praying tonight for sure.

On another, my out of the box kid just came into my room with an Easter egg necklace he made. I do think all his experimenting and not using things for the way they were intended will pay off someday. Now if only I can help teach that kid to even start the race maybe one day we will get to the part where we can learn how to finish strong together. Love that kid and the many things he is teaching me.

1 kings 17-19:
Love me some Elijah!!! Wish I could dive in but fading. So much greatness in these chapters!!!

D

Sunday, April 05, 2015

DAY 1686: 1 Kings 13-16

Well, today was a bit wheels off. This entire weekend was kinda like that. Nothing was horrible just off. Kids were pretty demanding and impatient this weekend. Frustrating but I get it. Didn't set them up great and this year has just been different with Les home. This morning was so fabulous with him home. Such a sweet blessing! I think it will take a bit of adjustment though to get into a new holiday groove. Crazy thankful for this season. Thankful to see today for what it was (eventually) and learn how to adjust for next year. The semi chaos of tonight though gave great opportunity for a good talk tonight. So good for our kids to hear our hearts and our hopes and desires for them. Even with the bumps along the way I'm so thankful for this weekend together, an opportunity for all of us to grow, and of course the celebration of an empty tomb.

My favorite activity we did this weekend was writing the sin and idols we struggle with on rocks. The bigs really got it this year and what a sweet time of sharing what we struggle together. The other favorite this year was planting a rosebush together. I think we are going to be able to go back to that illustration again and again this year. Love the idea of the kids tending to its growth as well which will make for a beautiful living illustration. I was most excited about having another Seder dinner this year. Note to self :do not attempt a Seder with six kids hopped up on sugar. It was kind of a bust BUT great learning experience for the parents. At one point I had the thought of canning a Seder till they are all teenagers. Then I remembered that things shouldn't be abandoned just because they are not ideal or because they are difficult. Some of the most beautiful things in life come from pushing through difficult things. Celebrating Easter should not be difficult. We just need to adjust and accommodate things for the season that we are in. When I lived in San Antonio one of the ways we observed the Lord's Supper was by eating rice, beans and enchiladas. Surely the bread and wine could be substituted with a tortilla and beer. The point is to not be anal about traditions but rather hold it all loosely. If rice and beans does a better job at teaching my minions about life with Jesus then that's what I need to seize upon.

Saturday, April 04, 2015

DAY 1685: 1 Kings 12

Feel exhausted and gross. Think the lack of sleep thing has hit me in a not so pleasant way.

1 K 12:
Israel declines rapidly and idol worship starts to become the norm. So heartbreaking.

It is important who you choose to give you council. Rehoboam and Jeroboam both listened to a bunch of knuckleheads who gave terrible council. All the Israelites experienced the fallout from their horrible choices.

D

Friday, April 03, 2015

DAY 1684: 1 Kings 9-11

Date night. So thankful. Tex-Mex and Target together without children. Maybe a Meemaw and Peepaw date but so thankful for my sweet friend willing to watch our minions so we can have fun laughing together. Reminded us of our newlywed days giggling at the grocery store. Thankful for a husband who makes mundane things like shopping a fun adventure.

Heard about a woman who had passed away at our church and I recognized the name but couldn't recall her face. Saw who she was this evening and I'm so sad. I freaking hate cancer and I know Jesus does too. God be with sweet ones who are now without their Momma here on earth. Provide for them Godly women who will love and care for them. Be with their Dad as he navigates a new world without his beloved. Comfort this family and be their rock and their source of strength in the days ahead. May the hope of Easter bring much comfort and peace to them.

Again heavy hearted by the broken world we live in. At the same time I find much comfort and peace knowing one day King Jesus will return and set things right once again.

I do think some of my melancholy this week is simply from it being Holy Week. I go through this week without sitting heavy in the reality of the cross. I'm so thankful for that wonderful cross and I know this side of heaven I'll never fully know what the full weight of that sacrifice cost Jesus. But I'm so thankful and I cling to that cross. I know I would have stood among the scoffers as my Savior died for me. I was one of those scoffers. I'm so thankful because I so desperately need that cross daily. I look forward to celebrating the empty tomb on Sunday.

1 K 8-11:
Again not looking forward to reading. I've been so convicted over my sin of pride while reading 2 Samuel and I know there's more to come. These books are loaded full of the fallen nature of man. It's so incredibly hard to read. I want to be able to separate myself out from such sinful rebellion but simply can't. These books contain my sin as well. Even in the gross despair of it all there is a passionate love story as well. There simply is no denying the love of our Father. His patience and grace with these stiff necked Israelites is the same patience, Grace and love He bestows upon me.

Solomon in his old age turns away from the Lord. It just goes downhill from here. Even in the midst of great darkness thankful God never misses a beat. Nothing surprises him and all things work together for God's glory, His will and His purpose!

D

Thursday, April 02, 2015

DAY 1683: 1 Kings 5-8

Started the day off weeping in the shower. About to get started again. A sweet student I had in Austin lost her baby girl. Our due dates were only off by a week or so. Her dad married Les and I and I'm so heartbroken for her and her precious family.

Still obviously very much troubled by babies in the PICU, grieving families and the brokenness of our world. Again so thankful for Jesus. He's our hope and the rock we can cling to when chaos and grief surrounds us.

I do feel the icy grip of fear that has wanted to creep in lately. A boy who complains of dizziness off and on, a little girl who has complained of her leg hurting the past two days. The reality is most aches and pains and woes in childhood or absolutely nothing. I think I'm still very much in high alert right now waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hate that I anticipate another wave to hit at any moment. This is reality though. The waves will come crashing in again at some point. It doesn't have to be tomorrow or next week but I can be guaranteed that they will at some point come again. In this world there will be trials. There will be grief and sometimes even unimaginable pain. I hate fear and I simply refuse to sit in it. I thank God for today and the very gift of it. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. If anything I've learned all things must be held incredibly loosely. I can make all the plans I want to but ultimately it's the Lord who will decide what my tomorrow will look like. I feel very surrendered to that and take comfort in it. I will not like all the things He has planned in the moment but I trust He will see me through anything that may arise. There's no cancer too big for Him. Death even looses its sting in the face of Christ. I may not like the outcome but I trust Him. Another wave may come crashing down tomorrow but I know my God will be gracious to me through it all. I've seen it over and over again.

1 Kings 5-8:
I have been eager lately to sit in God's Word but today this book is the last place I want to be. Yet I do trust in God's timing and there might be some gem here that I need to read tonight. Instead I would much rather sit here and cry. Cry for Momma's who will only hold their babies for a few short hours. Cry for one baby missing at girl's time last night. Cry for other friends who have lost sweet precious ones. Cry for Momma's who won't live to see their babies grow up. Cry for precious ten year old girls who are fighting g a beast that will eventually win on earth. And I know Jesus weeps with us and through it all He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Need to go back over Ch 8 as my eyes got super heavy and there are gems at the end.

Details surrounding ding the building of the Temple.

D




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DAY 1682: 1 Kings 1-4

So thankful for God's sweet provision today and yet struggling with an under current of melancholy. I'm sad about the horrors of cancer, about sweet precious ones that won't be held this side of heaven, about my sin and the fallen nature of our world. Yet I also rejoice in the cross and that one day all things will be set straight. I think tonight I'm just sad that we're not home and I long with eager expectation for that day.

Thankful for my sweet hubs who let me escape early tonight so I could eat solo and enjoy some quiet time alone. Thankful for God's sweetness on our "date". The way He woes and gently corrects me brings me to my knees. Thankful for the ways He has knit us together over the years and I look forward to the ways He will continue to knit my heart to His over the years. Thankful He is patient and kind with my often unruly ways.

My sweet Brownies were once again a total mess today and my grumpy disposition didn't help make matters much better. I was anti April Fools today and I know my kiddos were disappointed. It was hard to want to get behind the fun and games when getting them to do school work and their chores has been quite the task. They went to bed early for the second night in a row simply because they refused to get their stuff down. Bickering and being stinkpots to each other has been their top priority this week. Saddened by the competition that has set in between two sets of kiddos. Even in the midst of the chaos thankful for the ways they cause me to rely more on Jesus.

1 Kings 1-4:
Big shocker but I struggle with the whole Abishag thing. Now I know David was nothing like Hugh Hefner but that is the image that pops up in my head. Young beautiful woman who gets chosen to keep an old wrinkly man warm. I guess none of his numerous wives could have done that. I hate that I fixate on that but it's where I'm at.

Adonijah tries to take what is not his and elevate himself as the new King. The desire our flesh has to elevate ourselves to a certain status. I know this can be my temptation. It's gross.

Love the charge David gives to Solomon.
"I am about to go the way of all the earth," he said. "So be strong, act like a man, and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in obedience to him, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and regulations, as written in the Law of Moses. Do this so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go (‭1 Kings‬ ‭2‬:‭2-3‬ NIV)

Love also that David's desire for women is not the only thing Solomon got passed down. He also possessed David's humility. Solomon recognizes his inability to lead Israel without the help of the Lord guiding him and giving him discernment and wisdom.

Fading.

D