Tonight I give thanks to my God for His amazing provision. I'm so thankful He kept my friend safe today in the midst of a scary situation. I'm thankful for cellphones in hands at just the right time, concerned husbands who come home and for a myriad of other things that were provided for today. This world is crazy and is full of hurt and pain and yet in the midst of the chaos His mighty hands provides. I know He outstretches His hand every single day to provide for His people, for me, but I take it for granted. Tonight I could collapse into His arms and cry a thousand tears of gratitude for the way His hand is in all the details and for the mighty ways He provides for us out of His great love.
I must confess the icy fear that has begun to take hold of me in almost the same breath of praising my God. I don't want to be the next crisis within a circle of friends who have endured so incredibly much this year. I texted my community girls the other day joking that I was waiting for the boils. Instead of waiting for the boils I'm waiting for the next bomb to go off. I've never been fearful about giving birth before other than dreading the physical pain but icy fear has gripped me tonight. There have been so many things I've taken for granted that this past year I've learned should not be taken for granted. The expected can very well turn into the unexpected in the most painful of ways.
I hate fear and I hate the thought of giving it power or control in my life. I also hate that I can be so double minded and give thanks one moment and the very next moment be consumed by fear. I do need to bring my fear and anxiety into the light because it truly is the only way to punch fear right in the face. Today has enough problems of its own. Today I'm thankful for the punches and kicks and at the same time sorrowful. Maybe the reality of where I'm at tonight truly is immense gratitude for the Lord's provision and trust that He can and will provide on your average day and on the worst nightmare kind of day. Yet my gratitude is intermingled with the reality of this painful world.
Praise the LORD! Let all that I am praise the LORD. I will praise the LORD as long as I live. I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath. (Psalms 146:1-2 NLT)
Lord may this always be so for me and for my family. Write your name on their tender hearts and may they be overwhelmed by your mighty love for them.
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