Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Provision in the Chaos

Tonight I give thanks to my God for His amazing provision. I'm so thankful He kept my friend safe today in the midst of a scary situation. I'm thankful for cellphones in hands at just the right time, concerned husbands who come home and for a myriad of other things that were provided for today. This world is crazy and is full of hurt and pain and yet in the midst of the chaos His mighty hands provides. I know He outstretches His hand every single day to provide for His people, for me, but I take it for granted.  Tonight I could collapse into His arms and cry a thousand tears of gratitude for the way His hand is in all the details and for the mighty ways He provides for us out of His great love. 

I must confess the icy fear that has begun to take hold of me in almost the same breath of praising my God. I don't want to be the next crisis within a circle of friends who have endured so incredibly much this year. I texted my community girls the other day joking that I was waiting for the boils. Instead of waiting for the boils I'm waiting for the next bomb to go off. I've never been fearful about giving birth before other than dreading the physical pain but icy fear has gripped me tonight. There have been so many things I've taken for granted that this past year I've learned should not be taken for granted. The expected can very well turn into the unexpected in the most painful of ways. 

I hate fear and I hate the thought of giving it power or control in my life. I also hate that I can be so double minded and give thanks one moment and the very next moment be consumed by fear. I do need to bring my fear and anxiety into the light because it truly is the only way to punch fear right in the face. Today has enough problems of its own. Today I'm thankful for the punches and kicks and at the same time sorrowful. Maybe the reality of where I'm at tonight truly is immense gratitude for the Lord's provision and trust that He can and will provide on your average day and on the worst nightmare kind of day. Yet my gratitude is intermingled with the reality of this painful world.

Ps 146-150:
Praise the LORD! Let all that I am praise the LORD. I will praise the LORD as long as I live. I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath. (‭Psalms‬ ‭146‬:‭1-2‬ NLT)

Lord may this always be so for me and for my family. Write your name on their tender hearts and may they be overwhelmed by your mighty love for them.

D



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Monday, June 29, 2015

The Other Side

Sat with someone tonight who is in the thick of heartache, sorrow, and turmoil. As an outsider looking in, it would be difficult to understand how anything good could come out of this place for her. Yet having been there and knowing the beauty that can come forth from the ashes I know she's right where she needs to be.

It seems like such heartache, sorrow and turmoil surrounds so many of those that I love right now. Those same things have often gripped me over the past year. I couldn't help but wonder if the Lord is looking down on all of us sorrowful over our hurts yet beckoning us to trust Him with our hearts because He can so clearly see the beauty that awaits us on the other side. I know this to be true. Even if the beauty never shows its face this side of heaven there is much beauty awaiting us in heaven. I can't wait!! Lord help us all to hold onto you during our times of struggle. I know that you have purposed the pain in our lives to create beauty that we never could have imagined ourselves.

The sorrow of others and myself of recent has brought to light that my struggle with feelings of unworthiness are far from over. I'm saddened that this journey takes so long and even more so when I think about how this struggle could possibly be one my own kiddos struggles. Yet, I'm thankful that in this journey I'm never alone. He loves us right where we are and He doesn't ever need us to buck up and be a good little soldier. He loves us, right where we are. He is gentle and compassionate with us. He is slow to anger and abounding in love, mercy and grace.

Psalm 140-145:
Hate going through these so fast. So much great stuff in these Psalms. Thankful for the reminders that He is great, mighty and powerful. That the Lord is my refuge. That God can help me to stay on the right path through my actions, my words, and my thoughts. I need lOTS of help and thankful He is there and willing to do just that!

D




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Sunday, June 28, 2015

His Faithful Love Endures Forever

Dallergies are killing me. Laid back Sunday. People still recouping but thankful my pneumonia boy is finally starting to feel better. Still rundown but he is headed in the right direction. We might actually be able to make an appearance outside our sick house sometime this week. I know some Vitamin D would do us all some good. Too bad that means we'll also have to endure the pollen onslaught.

Psalm 135-139:
Great psalms. Wish I had some thoughts on them but all of my sinuses feel as if they are going to explode. Going to pray I can find a bottle of rough Benadryl and get some sleep and maybe a tiny bit of relief.

I am very grateful how much the Lord loves me and that His faithful love endures forever.

D

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Saturday, June 27, 2015

Surprise Chicken

Have a house full of peeps at varying levels of recouping. Hoping charcoal will keep the complaints of stomach aches to just that, aches. The kid funk is making a run at trying to take me down but ain't nobody got time for that!

Thankful for the surprise of Cain's Chicken for our entire family from a sweet neighbor. It was our provision of quail that lasted for lunch and dinner. So crazy thankful!!

Two laundry baskets away from having slayed mount clean laundry. They are big and I don't want to touch them but if I can be caught up with laundry (HA!) even if for five seconds it will be a huge victory.

Psalm 131-134:
Our whole family needs to memorize Psalm 133.

How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! (‭Psalms‬ ‭133‬:‭1‬ NLT)

D

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Friday, June 26, 2015

Perspective Is Everything

I write this post so heavy hearted tonight. All I can say is cancer sucks but it's a honor and privilege to get a small glimpse into the life of a gal I've so admired over the years fight it so beautifully. She's knows that the battle will indeed end in death here on earth and yet she has chosen to walk this journey out so beautifully with Christ.

I myself with much lesser battles to fight floundered today. My hubs has worked a ton this past week and I had the target on the wall as today being the day reinforcements came. Unfortunately my poor sweet hubs seems to have been hit by two bugs at once. It started to hit Wednesday evening and the second round hit hard and heavy last night. Poor guy is miserable. It stinks to be sick but nobody wants to be miserable sick.

My son has been sick since Saturday and after seeing how he looked last night after his baseball game and realizing how little he had eaten that day decided I would take him into the dr if he still was feeling bad today. Glad I did as the poor dude has pneumonia. All the resting he's done on the couch this week totally makes sense now. Overall he's fine and it's not scary pneumonia but his little body is definitely fighting hard to get him well again. It is amazing how God created our bodies.

This evening I hit my low point when my poor boy gagged up the medicine I gave him everywhere. Thanks to the helpful suggestions of friends I think we've found a fix that will at least get his meds in his system effectively.

1. Thankful for the wonderful silence of seven sleeping bodies.

2. Thankful for a pediatrician that we love that fits the personality of our family so incredibly well and whose years of wisdom from practice has blessed our family immensely.

3. Thankful for pneumonia instead of appendicitis.

4. Thankful that besides the run of the mill infection and virus our crew has been relatively healthy.

5. Thankful for a sweet nine year old girl who watched two little sisters while I took a boy to the dr and her daddy rested. Nine year old girls are quite fantastic.

6. Thankful I could pick up meds, supplies we were out of, a movie and dinner all in one parking lot tonight.

7. Thankful to be laying in bed!!!

8. Thankful for God's provision for today. Today was still an uphill battle with many "fun" detours along the way but He was in it with me. When I got to the point of feeling overwhelmed I feel like He steadied me and helped my feet not to slip.

9. Thankful for a win tonight with my middles. Youngest stepped up and did the good he ought to and the Lord was gracious to provide a solution to help the bigger one so he could still pull his weight and be successful. Super proud of both of them.

10. Thankful for this crazy family. It's exhausting being the momma of these kids but it's a wonderful kind of exhausting and I'm so thankful for the beauty, the heartache, the chaos, the blessing and the privilege of being these Brownies Momma!

Closing my eyes so very thankful for this:

LORD, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you. (‭Psalms‬ ‭130‬:‭3-4‬ NLT)

D

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Back On the Journey

Thankful that today felt like a new day. It was so good for me to figure out that I've been battling with discouragement. So much freedom in even recognizing the issue or the culprit. Today I feel like I was able to get back on the journey and give thanks for where we are and trust that God has us where we are for a reason.

1. Thankful for sweet friends who truly are a blessing and who are willing to stand in the gap with me.

2. Thankful for sweet times this morning playing some reptile game with all of my kids on the bed. I do love hijacking their pretend. Muhahahaha!

3. Thankful for a sweet time in Psalms this morning.

4. Thankful for the simple joys of watching a baseball game played by young boys. My poor boy is still off and his tummy woes are growing worse but he still tried his hardest. Proud of him.

5. Thankful for a sweet hubs who pushed through his own illness to help coach a team of boys. One boy in particular had a great play but still ended up getting out and watching my husband get eye level and encourage this kid made my heart want to burst. Love the way he encourages those boys.

6. Thankful that the apathy has faded to black.

7. Thankful the Lord never gives up on this incredibly stubborn daughter of His.

I was encouraged greatly today by Psalms but all my notes are in my physical bible and getting up right now does not seem like an option I can live with. Lots of things that made sense today and brought freedom. Will have to unpack another day.

D







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Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Shriveled Wineskin

I am shriveled like a wineskin in the smoke, but I have not forgotten to obey your decrees. (‭Psalms‬ ‭119‬:‭83‬ NLT)

I really want to leave things just with this verse tonight. I'm tired of writing the same thing over and over. I'm tired of being Negative Nelly. I feel like a looser because I can't climb out of the bog of funk. I feel like I tried hard to fight the good fight but now I'm left with no fight remaining and there's nothing left to do but shrivel up like a Wineskin.

I think I've run head first into a huge pile of discouragement and it feels like I'm going to be stuck here for awhile. I've been begging God to tell me exactly what "stay the course" means. Reading Psalm 119 has only added to my turmoil. I want to obey but I simply don't think I have it in me to obey. Really I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing right now in order to be obedient.

I hate that I'm so sunk right now. I'm wrestling because I'm so sunk. I feel like we were headed towards higher ground and instead the earth gave way below us and we're back in the pit and I'm too exhausted to try to climb back up again. Why were we allowed to climb up the mountain only to fall back to where we were? It feels cruel and I can't keep from asking why. Why show me the brief sunshine just to submerge me back into the darkness? Only this time it feels as if my guide has taken off and left me.

I hear the mocking voice in my head telling me how lame and dramatic I am. After all nobody is dying of cancer. But I have a kid whose heart is walled up like Fort Knox and I'm completely disenchanted with the Church and I have no clue what to do about either. No cancer but my heart still bears a heavy weight.

D



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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Same Song Different Verse

Wish I had something different to say today. I don't. Life is a struggle and I'm drowning in an Ecclesiastes kinda mood. Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless. I don't believe this to be true but I'm melancholy enough today to feel it. Today God feels like He's a hundred bazillion miles away and frankly I don't blame Him. I don't want to be around me either. No surrender today. Angry about not being able to be superhuman. I'm angry that I don't even know what human looks like. I'm angry about constantly being grumpy and I'm furious that Amazon still hasn't shipped me my gianormous toadstool that I can sit under till I can bask in sweet oxytocin chillness. I guess I could always just sit on a huge block of ice and see what happens. 

I'm trying hard to bring things back to "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it". But "meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless" is winning out tonight. That just makes me even more angry. 

1. I'm so thankful for the gift of my amazing husband. This is his seventh run at nine month stretches of an irrational, hormonal and grumpy wife. The dude deserves some kind of award. 

2. Thankful for Wendy's frosties. 

3. Thankful for shade in the summertime and watching my sweet boy try his best to suck it up at baseball practice. Poor kid is still not 100%. 

4. Thankful for the fantastic giggle of a certain wild toddler who climbs up on every surface she possibly can. 

5. Thankful for kids who climbed in bed with me this morning and then fell back asleep for another hour. I love the sounds of their sweet breaths and at times being under the sweetest pile of Brownies that there ever was.

Okay, that's a little bit better.

Psalms 111-118:
Super thankful for this truth today. He paid my ransom while I was still a rebellious pagan of a sinner. 

He has paid a full ransom for his people. He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever. What a holy, awe-inspiring name he has! (‭Psalms‬ ‭111‬:‭9‬ NLT)

Getting there but still miles and miles away.
They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the LORD to care for them. (‭Psalms‬ ‭112‬:‭7‬ NLT)

Trying to fully wrap my head around this.
And those who make idols are just like them, as are all who trust in them. (‭Psalms‬ ‭115‬:‭8‬ NLT)

All you who fear the LORD, trust the LORD! He is your helper and your shield. (‭Psalms‬ ‭115‬:‭11‬ NLT)

This is also interesting to me. I get it but can see how this would give one license to isolation. Pondering it.
It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in people. (‭Psalms‬ ‭118‬:‭8‬ NLT)

I'm trying.
This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. (‭Psalms‬ ‭118‬:‭24‬ NLT)

I feel like the author of Psalm 118 is on a church camp high. Yep still Grumpy Pants McGillicutty.

D



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Monday, June 22, 2015

Volcano

Think I've been hit by another wonderful surge of hormones. I've shifted from grumpy troll to volcano ready to explode and mangle anyone in its path. I HATE feeling this way, so on edge and completely irrational. I've woken up the past two nights from contractions and I've had them all day today so it's not helping my insanity right now.

Psalm 107-110:
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. (‭Psalms‬ ‭107‬:‭1‬ NLT)

Got nothing tonight. Super distracted as I read. Thankful for the Lord's loving faithfulness.

D



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Sunday, June 21, 2015

Rough

Feeling incredibly rough today. Laying in bed trying to rest up before I'm on with my sweet ones. I hate to say it but they have already used up all my words this morning. Since they haven't seen their Daddy as much this week it's been a constant stream of sweet little mouths getting him caught up on everything under the sun in massive detail! Both of our ears are bleeding but thankful for sweet little mouths who love to tell us about their worlds.

We are still harboring at least one child who is under the weather with a funky virus so that combined with the weather will hopefully make for a very chill day around here.

Psalm 103-106:
Hate how this massive overload of psalms has diminished my appreciation for them. Psalm 103 is actually quite beautiful. I think it's the pace of them too. There's no time to sit and wrestle and ponder and chew on them when really all that there is time for us a drive through.

103 is just wonderful though.

Let all that I am praise the LORD; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. (‭Psalms‬ ‭103‬:‭1‬ NLT)

I so desperately want this to be true if my life and the lives of the people in my family. Yet I'm so easily distracted by what is most important.

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I know there was much more goodness in this chapter but must keep moving forward.

Today was filled with wild boys and unpacking little girls and one sweet chatty little girl. I of course was trollish and grumpy. I tried to reorganize our school stuff for next year which caused confusion and delay. Doing anything with the Bit is quiet the adventure and organizing is with her around is useless. She is quite the lovely handful. Oh how she reminds me of Luke as a toddler. I really wish I had had a better grip on this motherhood thing when he was little. I'm still grasping at straws with him now trying to wrap my head around who God created him to be. But I missed out on laughing more at his silly shenanigans. He is such a fantastic kid. All of my knuckleheads are! I didn't enjoy the crazy today and my blocked goals and feeling like a volcano ready to explode but in the quiet tonight I'm crazy thankful for these crazies!

Psalm 104 -
Another beautiful chapter about how God created everything and how He provides for everything that He has made. Beautiful verses in this chapter!!!

105 - this psalm has me wondering if I ever long to go back to Egypt when the Lord has set me free and given me the Promise Land. Oh how good it is to remember his faithfulness and all His might and provision over the years.

106:
This chapter is just sad. Oh how quickly we forget what the Lord has done and how great His love is for each of us.

Yet how quickly they forgot what he had done! They wouldn't wait for his counsel! (‭Psalms‬ ‭106‬:‭13‬ NLT)

May I remember and not forget your faithfulness and your love oh God.

D




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Saturday, June 20, 2015

Cankles

Good day but felt pretty rough for most of it. Kids gorged on a list of approved shows this morning and got themselves cereal while the adults of the house slept in. It was glorious! I really could have slept all day but I'll take what I can get at this point and be very thankful.

My boy had a game today and God showered His mercy upon us by making it overcast. Not a big fan of being committed to a sports schedule but there are so many things I love about it. It's so fun to watch a kid beam after making a great play. It doesn't even have to be my kid it's just fun to see the innocence in it right now. It's pure and untainted at this level and I adore it! The boy who played ball was pretty cranky today and later we discovered why as he slept most of the afternoon and looked like he was off. He caught the funky virus Bit had.

The rest of the day we laid pretty low and watched a family movie this evening. My sweet kiddos are still so sensitive to the content of movies. Love their sweet tender hearts.

Still trying to squeak in "research" on ADD. Pretty sure we have a house full of people with at least some ADD tendencies but I feel like I'm starting to unlock a lot of mysteries about one of my kiddos in general. The real beauty in this has been having conversations humbly with him about how I've missed the boat with him and how I really want to fully understand and figure out a way to best disciple him well. This kids confidence has seemed to grow in response to the more we begin to understand how he ticks. He at least he knows we are trying to get it right. It's going to be quite the journey but it's a journey with each of them. They are all wired so differently!! Thankful for the wonderful adventure of parenthood.

Psalms 98-102:
I am so ready to be out of Psalms!! I lived here not so long ago and really I'm just over it. Hate my attitude but it's just where I'm at.

98 - I really like that the Psalmist chose to use the visual of nature rejoicing over the Lord. I do believe creation shouts the presence of a Creator but love how the psalmist captured things in this psalm.

Hit psalm 99 and as it sounded like yet another same psalm different chapter it hit me why so many psalms in the book of Psalms. There's so many because it's so very important for us to know and remember God's character on the mountain tops and in the valleys. It's important for us to remember to be honest and real with God when affliction hits. We are not alone when we struggle with feeling like God has abandoned us. It's vitally important for us to remember to give thanks in all circumstances. Psalms recenters us because we remember who God is. For these reasons I'm once again thankful to be right in the middle of the book of psalms.

D



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Friday, June 19, 2015

Empty Headed

My head is empty, there's no churn, just exhaustion is king. Pretty busy day going from one thing to the next. I'm so glad my oldest had a great time at VBS this week but I look forward to wallowing around in PJ's next week while slave driving my children to get some school done. Hopefully the pool will be enough of a carrot on a stick to motivate them.

Actually I have been chewing on what to do with one of my kiddos. I've tried to shove this kid into the same box as my oldest two and I've failed this kid in many ways. Thankful for the grace God has given me to see this kid for who He made him to be. The only problem is the now what. I need to adjust drastically for this kid but not sure what that even means. If toddlerdom is any indication of the future I think this kid could very well have a partner in crime in this family. His littlest sister reminds me so much of him as a little. Thankfully for her this Momma is a lot more chill about it than I was back then. These poor big kids truly are my guinea pigs.

Psalms 90-97:
I really don't want to read tonight. I'd rather crawl in bed and watch a mindless show and pass out.

-the Lord is our protection. He is our refuge and our shelter
-all creation testifies that The Lord reigns over all.
-we should give Him thanks and rejoice in who He is

D

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Thursday, June 18, 2015

Backflips

The baby pooped tonight and I know it seems like such a silly thing to be thankful for but I could have cried and done a backflip. This poop might actually mean this baby will sleep peacefully tonight.

Thankful for many things today but keeping this short so I can seize on the opportunity for some decent sleep tonight. Hope I'm not too giddy to sleep. 

Psalms 84-89:
Sitting in these first chapters and for whatever reason tonight the thought of seeing God face to face sounds absolutely terrifying. 

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. (‭Psalm‬ ‭86‬:‭11‬ NIV)

I believe this with my everything:
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. (‭Psalm‬ ‭86‬:‭13‬ NIV)

Reason for my above fear:

In the council of the holy ones God is greatly feared; he is more awesome than all who surround him. (‭Psalm‬ ‭89‬:‭7‬ NIV)

My view of God is way too small.

D




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Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Jesus is Coming Soon

Early wake up call from my Bit. The anthem that has been going loud and strong in my head played on. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. The truth is whether I like my circumstances or not God is very much Sovereign over the circumstances of today. It's the day He has made and if I trust that He is good and faithful I WILL rejoice and be glad in it.

The words we will walk in truth, we will walk in love and we will walk in the light were seared into my brain this morning. As well as these verses on my heart.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6-7‬ NIV)

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭34‬ NIV)

When I think about the long haul our family has to walk these verses have brought comfort this morning. I don't have to know how tomorrow will look. Really if I've learned anything tomorrow's landscape could look like anything. I'm confident God will give me the grace to get through today. Tomorrow could very well be a completely different story.

I'm struggling with what it means to "stay the course".   Our church has caused our entire family such wreckage and devastation. During a time like this it should be a place of comfort and solace. Instead the thought of walking through the doors of the place that has caused us so much hurt seems like walking into the arms of an abuser and excusing their behavior. Their actions have been minimized and their disregard of the nature of utter destruction and devastation it's caused every single person in our family is beyond disheartening.

I know pain caused at the hands of the body of Christ is not new to us. It's only by God's grace that I don't judge the Lord by what has happened to us at the hands of His people. I knew people where hard hearted towards God because of hurt caused by the church and God's people. We got a taste of what that would be like in Portland. Now my depth of understanding has greatly increased. That we could be an agent of such hurt and such harm to people that are created in God's image is heart wrenching. I see the charge of being an ambassador of Christ in a whole new light. 

When I think about it though humility is the key to so much. Frankly, I don't want to be humble right now. I don't want to be meek or mild. I want to put the remaining energy I have into rage. Sounds like such a brilliant plan. I tried to find a quote I read the other day by a Francis of Assisi type of guy. I'm butchering the person as well as the quote but it was along the lines of surrendering the lust of self vindication and the freedom that comes from that. Associating lust with self vindication was pretty powerful to me. I do want to vindicate myself and I indeed have a lust for it. For today I'm going to try to release the white knuckled grip I have on my lustful desire to vindicate myself. I will pour out the remaining energy I have set aside for me today in fighting hard to abide and loving on my kiddos. I know I will fail desperately today but wasting any more energy on rage seems utterly useless to me.
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Started reading Psalms and fell asleep fast and furious about 20 minutes before I had to get up to get kids going for VBS. My oldest son rallied his Momma and he made breakfast while I woke up the other sleepy heads. God's sweet provision for me and my kiddos today. So very thankful. 

On the way home from dropping off kiddos I was blessed by what was on the radio. The message "Jesus is coming soon" flooded my car and reminded me that the trials of this life truly are so incredibly short in light of eternity. 

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭12‬ NIV)

Crowder came on next and I was reminder who is holding onto me. I do believe today whole heartedly that Jesus is holding onto me and will continue to do so. Once again I see the beauty amidst the chaos. 

Psalm 78-83:
Restore us, Lord God Almighty; make your face shine on us, that we may be saved. (‭Psalm‬ ‭80‬:‭19‬ NIV)

D


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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Clogged Sink

There was a point today that I hit such an exhaustion wall that if I had felt the complete freedom to do so I would have curled up into a ball and cried myself to sleep. Oh how my sweet Lilly Bit has brought me to such new heights of sleep deprivation. Fought to keep my eyelids open while I read a chapter to my kiddos tonight. 

I felt broken enough by sheer physical exhaustion alone but a phone message added the last straw to an exhaustion that extends into every single fiber of my being. I'd like to say that I've reached such a level of surrender that new things that spring up simply do not phase me anymore. I think the reality is that I'm like the sink in my kids bathroom that is constantly being stopped up by crazy kid craziness. I'm the clogged up sink that simply can't hold anymore water so what's really happening rather than true surrender is everything is just spilling out because I simply don't have the ability to hold anymore. Saying I'm surrendered to whatever the future holds sounds so much more lovely than saying uncle or having to tap out. 

My brain is too sleep deprived to put many thoughts of substance together but I think maybe I feel like Peter tonight. I feel like I had the courage and the faith to walk on water during the storm but I'm starting to quickly sink and if Jesus doesn't come and rescue me I'm going to fucking down. I hate writing the f-bomb but it would simply feel disingenuous if I didn't keep it there. 

Psalm 74-77:
I'm banking on this to be true. I've gone to the bank and cashed everything I have and it rides on this.

When the earth quakes and its people live in turmoil, I am the one who keeps its foundations firm. Interlude (‭Psalms‬ ‭75‬:‭3‬ NLT)

I so get this.
I cry out to God; yes, I shout. Oh, that God would listen to me! When I was in deep trouble, I searched for the Lord. All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven, but my soul was not comforted. I think of God, and I moan, overwhelmed with longing for his help. Interlude (‭Psalms‬ ‭77‬:‭1-3‬ NLT)

D

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You Hold Me By My Right Hand

The poor Bit is sick again. Still trying to fight her thrush and she's been up the past several nights very restless and in pain. Thankful to be able to take her in this afternoon. Hoping we can find her some relief so we can get some sleep.

My boys were running around the house wild this morning and I was so thankful for the blessing of VBS this morning. Reality is that they will come home just as wild but at least somebody else will get to entertain them for three hours.
-------
Thankful that the Bit no longer has thrush or a double ear infection. She does have tonsillitis instead but the other stuff has cleared up so I'm thankful.

I had hoped this morning when I put on Frozen for the little girls that I would be able to get some good quiet time in. It wasn't what I was hoping for but I got to read Psalm 73 and I felt like it was written just for me. So thankful for at least the brief time to sit and be still.

Lots of emotions tonight for my sweet friends in the thick of being in the trenches. I feel like I'm living out Band of Brothers with my CG. It's been an insane year. I think we would not only beat people in the most kids in one community group we would also win the most pain and trauma dealt with in one year award. I know God is Sovereign in His timing but goodness it's been heavy!!!

Psalm 73:
I am so thankful for Asaph's authenticity in this Psalm. It spoke so much to my heart today.

Truly God is good to Israel, to those whose hearts are pure. (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭1‬ NLT)

Asaph knows that God is good and yet he still struggles.

But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone. (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭2‬ NLT)

I feel like some days despite knowing how good and gracious the Lord is my feet at times are trying to find firm ground and yet all I feel like I'm doing is slipping. Asaph's struggle which he goes on to describe in verses 3 through 12 is with the wicked and how it appears as if they prosper and get away with their evil deeds.

For me, I've been wrestling with the Bride of Christ. I know that He loves His Bride and yet I am once again struggling with wanting to have anything to do with it. I don't want to be struggling with this.

Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason? I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain. (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭13-14‬ NLT)

These aren't the same questions I'm asking but I feel as if they are in the same vain.

"Did we not pour our hearts out to this place and throw all in? Did we trust the leadership of this place for nothing? My family has gotten our fill of hurt and trouble, Sunday morning still brings us pain."

If I had really spoken this way to others, I would have been a traitor to your people. So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper. But what a difficult task it is! (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭15-16‬ NLT)

"We are trying to push through so that we don't leave the wrong impression of Your Body on the sweet ones you have placed under our care. We are trying to understand our struggles with the Church and sort it all out. But what a difficult task it is!!!"

Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭21‬ NLT)

I know in this struggle there is hurt and bitterness and I am still very torn up inside.

Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭23-26‬ NLT)

Thankful for these beautiful and sweet reminders that He holds my right hand in the midst of my struggles and questions. God is leading us with His counsel. It is good for us to be quiet and still and wait for Him to answer.

But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do. (‭Psalms‬ ‭73‬:‭28‬ NLT)

This season has had much beauty in it due to the fact that I know you are so near. In the midst of my questions and my struggles you have always been right there. Thankful for your faithfulness Lord.

Thankful to be fading fast. Hoping the Bit will sleep better tonight.

D

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Sunday, June 14, 2015

Just Because..

Just because she's so stinking cute...

Really good family day. Very thankful. So sleepy and wondering why my never sleeps aren't even phased by a day at the pool. The force is strong in these children. 

Psalms 67-72:
It wasn't to long ago that all my words had dried up and in my desperation all I could pray was for God to be gracious to us. He's been nothing but that and I'm so incredibly thankful.

May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine on us— (‭Psalm‬ ‭67‬:‭1‬ NIV)

You, God, are awesome in your sanctuary; the God of Israel gives power and strength to his people. Praise be to God! (‭Psalm‬ ‭68‬:‭35‬ NIV)

I looked up the meaning of sanctuary because I do envision God being my sanctuary. I think the definition is sweet.

  1. sanctuary, in its original meaning, is a sacred place, such as a shrine. By the use of such places as a safe haven, by extension the term has come to be used for any place of safety.

In this crazy world I'm so thankful that my sanctuary can be found in the Lord. He is my place of safety, my place of rest.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. (‭Psalm‬ ‭71‬:‭20‬ NIV)

I feel silly comparing myself to this verse. I know that the depths of my pain don't come close to the pain of others. I do trust though that the struggle and heartaches of today will one day be be made new and replaced with joy unfathomable. 

Thankful that this is who my King Jesus is:
For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight. (‭Psalm‬ ‭72‬:‭12-14‬ NIV)

I give thanks for the sweet graciousness bestowed on my family and me today. I've lived with a sense of entitlement to days like these. I know now more than ever that anything can happen tomorrow and quickly a day of paradise can turn into a living nightmare. These days are hallowed days and I do not want to let another pass me by without realizing the sweet precious gifts that they truly are. The truth is that even on the days where nightmares become realities He bestows even those days on and they too are sacred blessings from about. There is always beauty to be found in the midst of pain and despair. God is good all the time. I pray I don't forget these simple and sweet lessons. 

D
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Saturday, June 13, 2015

Give Thanks

1. Thankful for a trip to Target with just the girls.

2. Thankful I can say "with just the girls". I would have been fine to have one girl and a small herd of boys but it's been such a sweet blessing to have one amazing big girl and two of the cutest little girls around.

Thankful for the joy that this caused in BrownTown today.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Lost

Lost for words tonight. If I'm honest I fear more what my words would say if I tried to get them out. Grieved for friends tonight. I don't know what God is doing and I know it's futile to try to figure it out. Never have I sat in such weariness and sorrow with a group of friends before. I do know one thing. It will be impossible to walk away from this season unchanged.

Ps 55-59:
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. (‭Psalm‬ ‭55‬:‭22‬ NIV)

Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. (‭Psalm‬ ‭57‬:‭1‬ NIV)

But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely. (‭Psalm‬ ‭59‬:‭16-17‬ NIV)

D

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Thursday, June 11, 2015

This Is The Day...

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

We have been singing this in the evenings upon the request of our children. My hubs made a song out it years ago and it's been one of my favorites of his. The tune is catchy and it's fun to sing when the world feels like it's all as it should be. These words were impressed mightily in my head this afternoon as I feel like I've once again been struck down. I'm left with millions of questions, no answers and the pain feels searing. Regardless of my circumstances this is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL REJOICE and BE GLAD in it. 

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬ NIV)

Paul learned the secret of how to do this. What a beautiful secret this was for him to learn. He didn't learn this by rolling in prosperity and ease. No, he learned this by suffering for the sake of Christ. He learned this by living with a thorn in his side which made him suffer and learn that God's Grace was sufficient for him in his weaknesses. I pray that this is slowly starting to sink in for me too. 

This is the day that the Lord has made. I am sad and angry and I have no clue what the future holds but I trust that God is good even when nothing makes sense. He is good and faithful and I know He will never leave me nor forsake me therefore, I will rejoice and be glad in today. 

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Wish I knew where I put my physical bible. It would be a comfort tonight even if it were to just sit in my lap. Thankful for an evening filled with watching one of my kid's play baseball and another serve by being bat boy. Love these precious kids and thankful that God's grace is sufficient in my parenting deficiencies. 

Psalms 50-54:

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. (‭Psalm‬ ‭51‬:‭17‬ NIV)

Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me. (‭Psalm‬ ‭54‬:‭4‬ NIV)

D

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Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Humility

Lots of lessons on humility these days. Actually it's funny to even write that. Humility is one of those things that has been a constant lesson. I lack it so it makes total sense that this would be the case. Maybe I've just gotten new insight on pride versus humility over the past year. It's still very obvious to me that my struggle with pride is very much an issue. My view of how incredibly dangerous and vile it is has changed. I want to be separated from my struggle as far as the east is from the west. I would rather be raked over the coals repeatedly over and over again to have it removed. I pray to have it crushed out of me.

Barely functional today. More surrendered today to just be in the nonfunctional state that I am instead fighting it and feeling shame over it. Been thinking through why this pregnancy has felt so much harder as far as pushing through the exhaustion than others in the past. I'm not princess functional anyway and most definitely not while growing another human child but this time has been a constant uphill battle. It hit me today that it's not just dealing with the physical exhaustion that has made this season hard it's the emotional weariness on top of everything. First trimester looking back I don't think I was just crazy exhausted I think the struggle to get out of bed was also due to being depressed. One or the other would have been a challenge but I truly think I was battling both. Now I'm the home stretch when I physically would be nearing the end I'm also just so weary in every other sense that I have nothing left in the tank to even pretend that I can push through. It's just more of coming to the end of myself and trying to not sit in feeling like a looser but rather just embracing reality and things for what they are. I do see the beauty in quiet surrender. I wish this surrender was being experienced in all areas of my life but it's a slow work in progress. Besides right now I'm too weary to shake my fist over how long the process takes. As long as the Lord is with me, it can take an eternity.

Psalm 43-49:
I wish I had gotten more out of reading tonight. I was distracted at times. A sweet delightful girl is in much need of time with her momma. Wish her Momma's tank wasn't running on fumes right now. This season is so short and fleeting. I don't want to miss out on pouring into that sweet girl. I pray for opportunity and manna to be able to pour into her and all my sweet ones.

So much comfort found in Psalm 46. God is our strength, our refuge, and an ever present help. Letting the reality that He is an ever present help sink in tonight.

For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end. (‭Psalm‬ ‭48‬:‭14‬ NIV)

Thankful.

D



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Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Octomom In Small Town USA

I feel like Octomom. I hate to even say that but I feel as if I'm carrying a litter that is crushing every single major organ in my body. Paying the Piper for the ease I had with Lilly. First trimester nausea is colliding with what feels like late third trimester woes. Pretty stinking miserable but gives me pause to thank God for good health. There are so many in this world who are going to bed suffering tonight with awful diseases.  What an honor and a blessing to walk out another 6 to 8 weeks feeling miserable for the sake of giving birth to an eternal being. Perspective can be everything. 
Went to grab ice cream after baseball practice and I felt like I walked straight into small town USA. It was fantastic. I probably have started to romanticize small town USA but I long for the simplicity that I have imagined in my head for small town living. Seriously who doesn't want a pot belly pig, chickens, goats and a miniature donkey? 

Psalms 37-

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm. (‭Psalms‬ ‭37‬:‭8‬ NLT)

Haven't felt it today at all but definitely have felt anger and rage bubbling back to surface this past week. Really hard to separate righteous anger versus my own anger. 

Beautiful verses that are a comfort:
The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand. (‭Psalms‬ ‭37‬:‭23-24‬ NLT)

I get this some days as I watch how quickly my children are growing up and yet I need this reminder daily so I won't waste time on fleeting things:
" LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. (‭Psalms‬ ‭39‬:‭4‬ NLT)

We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. (‭Psalms‬ ‭39‬:‭6‬ NLT)

Obviously busy rushing is not a new problem under the sun and the DFW area is not the only place on earth that struggles with endless busyness and constant rushing. 

This is so my story. He rescued me from the slimy pit of despair.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. (‭Psalm‬ ‭40‬:‭2‬ NIV)

D



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1am

It's 1am. My Little Bit is pretending to be a monkey, a cute monkey at that, and I'm overwhelmed by the immense grief and sorrow all around me. Tonight I'm at a complete loss of words thankful my littlest one is not.

Psalm 36:
How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. (‭Psalms‬ ‭36‬:‭7‬ NLT)

May all the weary and heavy laden find rest in the shadow of your wings.

D





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Sunday, June 07, 2015

In His Hands

Not fired up about the emotional state I'm in right now. Hate what I'm wrestling with and so sad that it must even be wrestled out. I think it's been easy at times to sit in the funk and yet detach myself from the reality of things that have happened. I sat at church today with the mingled emotions of anger and sorrow.

I can't help but think tonight about people who can be the most resistant to Jesus. I know behind a lot of those hostile towards Christians are those who have been most wounded the most by the church. I've really been wrestling over how badly we can mess things up. How easy it is for slightly twisted thinking or distortions of the truth can so easily infiltrate and corrode what was meant to be good. Really in all my wrestling there is such a longing to just have my rose colored glasses back. Even though I would love that to be part of my goal, I know that's not God's goal. It's never been for me to go back but rather to move forward even if that means a more somber and realistic view of how things really are, how I really am. I trust that God's vision for my wounded heart is so much better than any rose colored glasses I could ever wear. I trust that the beauty that has already begun to spring forth is only the beginning of what is still yet to come. He holds all of our hearts in His hands and although my view of how devastating sin can be has grown, my view of how powerful my God is has also increased.

Psalm 26-35:

Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD. (‭Psalms‬ ‭27‬:‭14‬ NLT)

There has been lots of learning this over the years.

Morning is coming and with it sorrow will be turned into rejoicing:
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever! (‭Psalms‬ ‭30‬:‭11-12‬ NLT)

Thankful for this truth tonight:
But the LORD's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken. (‭Psalms‬ ‭33‬:‭11‬ NLT)

Yet another truth to be thankful for.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. (‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬:‭18‬ NLT)

D



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Should Be Asleep

Our Little Bit woke us up at 5am. Tried to sneak in a little more sleep but before I knew it, it was time to rally troops to get to a baseball game. It was melt your face off humid this morning. The heat caused us to abandon plans to yard sale it up for day two today. Hit the pool late afternoon instead and was fun to bump into families we love and meet some new ones.

Came home and played whackamole and then had a movie date night. Good movie but made me sad as my Bunny came it at the end and I realized that it felt like yesterday when she turned two and that she'll be four in a blink of an eye. The days are zipping by at a crazy pace much faster than I'd like.

Psalm 25 and drifting fast. One of our toads just gave a shrill croak and I almost jumped out of my skin because it sounded like a scream. Hoping to drift off rapidly if the heartburn doesn't foil my plans.

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. (‭Psalm‬ ‭25‬:‭1‬ NIV)

D


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Friday, June 05, 2015

Wrestling

My kid was triggered today. I'm heartbroken and I want to punch a wall and yell all at the same time. I feel like there is so much around me that has me completely triggered too and I feel like all I'm doing is wrestling. I'm really weary of the wrestling. The thing is I know that some of my anger is righteous but I am also very much aware that some of my anger is displaced. I just want to crawl into a hole and create my own existence where abuse does not exist. But it does exist. It doesn't just exist in small isolated homeschool sects, it happens EVERYWHERE. It does not discriminate against who it damages and destroys and it can happen almost anywhere. Going into full on seething mode so going to jump into Psalms. 

Timely verse of the day:
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (‭Hebrews‬ ‭12‬:‭2‬ NIV)

Surrendered sorrow is hands down a better place to be than in fierce anger. Being angry is incredibly exhausting. Self protecting is incredibly exhausting. Thankful for God's kindness to be able to see the difference in tangible ways. Unfortunately, I fear old habits are hard to let go of at times. But for today, I am thankful for new perspective.

Psalm 19-24:
Psalm 19 is pretty much amazing. Chapter starts off in awe of God's creation and how it screams His name. My hubs is watching the Earth series right now and it's amazing and takes my breath away. Creation does reveal so much about the wonders and majesty of my God. 

These verses are so powerful to me and the perfect reminder of why I need to be submerged in God's Word daily.

By them your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward. But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (‭Psalm‬ ‭19‬:‭11-14‬ NIV)

These verses freak me out:
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest. (‭Psalm‬ ‭22‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)

Actually when I think about it I experience verse 2 pretty consistently. I don't think it's that God doesn't answer it's just that it's not uncommon for the answer to come later than I want it to. I want instant understanding or relief from unpleasant circumstances or emotions. Often God chooses to let me sit in it knowing that for whatever reason the sitting and waiting is what is best for me. 

Thankful for this time tonight. So hard to not sit longer in these chapters. Psalm 23 used to be such an overlooked old hat to me but I fell in love with it awhile back when I memorized it during a semester at Shelter. Looking for the version I had memorized but can't find it. I love this wording though:
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want."

Lord help my heart to not be in want. Thankful that your rod and staff do indeed comfort me.

D


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Sense of Humor

Almost burst out laughing as I read Psalm 13.

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? (‭Psalm‬ ‭13‬:‭2‬ NIV)

Feel like my thoughts have been very heavy lately. Thankful for a reprieve for most of the day but lots and lots of churning on stuff. Reminded this morning and again tonight that God is in the midst of all the churning and He has really sweet ways of eventually providing answers in the midst of all the crunching on big things. 

So I've been thinking about this past year and all that's happened in the last 12 months. June 2014 started off with painful community group conflict that lead to sudden loss of friendship for not just me but for my entire family. My kids still talk about their loss of friends. We were blessed to be able to go to family camp which was amazing. Few weeks later Costa Frickin Rica with my hubs. Looking back I can see God's amazing provision in providing for solid time together as a family that was super fun and time for Les and I to get away. Then the storm really hit. Betrayal from a place that should be the safest place on earth. Walking a kid through the fall out of sexual abuse which will be a lifetime of struggles and victories. Walking another child through anxiety that has been intensified over everything that has gone on. Wading through new waters of learning differences and trying to figure out how to go about further testing and how to best equip and teach this out of the box kiddo. Lost a baby. Lost a father in law. Job transition. Two EEG's and an MRI. Loss and struggles within community. Our community group has been hit hard. It's been a crazy year with not much time to catch breaths in between. But through it all these verses sum up so much of what my hearts feels about this time in the trenches.  

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me. (‭Psalm‬ ‭13‬:‭5-6‬ NIV)

He has been so incredibly good and gracious. 

Still working on things in these verses:
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (‭Psalm‬ ‭16‬:‭8‬ NIV)

I've been shaken this year but thankful I've had my Rock to cling to and hope in the midst of hard circumstances. 

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, (‭Psalm‬ ‭16‬:‭9‬ NIV)

Oh how sleep has eluded me my entire life. Certain seasons are definitely rougher than others. What a tremendous blessing to rest securely.

D



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Thursday, June 04, 2015

Blind Leading the Blind

Sometimes I wonder if we are all a bunch of blind people leading the blind. Today I feel so ragged and my heart so desperately longs for that total and complete restoration which I know will only come when I finally meet my Creator face to face. I anticipate that day with much joyful longing but also with fear and trembling.

Today I think I'm in need of a wise Grandmotherly type who has walked faithfully over years with Jesus. Gray hair is not always a sign of a crown of wisdom yet there is wisdom and perspective that I feel only time here on this earth can give. I don't approach life the same way I did when I was in my twenties and my hope is that in my forties I will approach things in life differently than I do now. I need that knowing look of gentle compassion or pat on the head that reminds me that as big as everything seems right now God is in complete control and His yoke is easy and His burden light. 
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Today was a barely function kinda day. Actually today was a no function kind of day. I keep wanting to try to figure out how to put words into all the things going on in my head and I simply can't. For tonight thankful I can take refuge in the Lord.

Lord my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, (‭Psalm‬ ‭7‬:‭1‬ NIV)

D




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Wednesday, June 03, 2015

Emotional Hangover

Pretty sure I stumbled through today with an emotional hangover. This has been quite the season of weariness. It's also been quite the season of God's gracious kindness. Those two things don't seem to go together but the words sweetly broken popped into my ragged brain. Maybe I'm discovering what it means to be sweetly broken during this season. I'd much rather have a life full of weary brokenness and continue to be this enveloped by the Lord's loving kindness than to walk a life of carefree ease and be too self reliant to experience God's graciousness first hand.

Psalm 1-6 & Romans 12

D

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Monday, June 01, 2015

Well Cry Me A River

If I was a crier I feel as if I could cry and fill an entire River. Hit with a weariness and exhaustion that feels as if it could penetrate my bones. I can look back on my day and there's so many things I could give thanks for. God's finger prints and provision everywhere. I'm thankful for how mighty my God is and for the many ways He provides for His people.

On the flip side my heart aches for so many friends tonight. My heart aches over the fallen condition of our world. My heart aches over the sinful condition of my own heart.

Reading Psalms and hoping sleep overcomes me.

D

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My Eyes Have Seen

Never thought I would one day say that I'm sad to be leaving the book of Job. Oh how I have wrestled and struggled with these 42 chapters over the years. This book has been timely and its words have answered prayer in unexpected ways. Today the pieces seemed to fit together. This verse so captures what was made so clear to me today:
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. (‭Job‬ ‭42‬:‭5‬ NIV)

I knew what I had heard about God and what I had hoped that God would be and now I know full well that His goodness and His faithfulness surpasses all that I could ever imagine. 

These lyrics hit me today from the song Forever:
One final breath he gave
As heaven looked away
The son of God was laid in darkness
A battle in the grave
The war on death was waged
The power of hell forever broken

The ground began to shake
The stone was rolled away
his perfect love could not be overcome
Now death where is your sting?
Our resurrected King
Has rendered you defeated

Boom! My questions and struggle with Job and with suffering answered. "O death where is your sting? The power of hell forever broken". There is purpose in the suffering that God allows. The lie I've bought is that needless suffering occurs everywhere on the earth every single day. It's true that suffering does occur every single day BUT the suffering God allows the people of the earth to endure has a purpose. Job's suffering had purpose. Even the death of Job's sons and daughters lost its sting in light of the cross. 

My view of the cross has been way too small. Through Christ's blood not only is my penalty paid but all the sin that I've committed against others and all the sin others have committed against me can be redeemed here on this side of heaven. What satan has intended for harm God can use for our good and the good of others. His grace is sufficient in my weaknesses. His grace is sufficient for all my mistakes past, present and future. The cross was enough for me, it's enough for my hubs, it's enough for my children and those whom I love. 

Thankful for my three year old singing At the Cross today. She keeps things simple and I'm thankful for the reminder today that it is simple. 

At the cross
At the cross
I surrender my life.
I'm in awe of You
I'm in awe of You
Where Your love ran red
and my sin washed white.
I owe all to You
I owe all to You Jesus.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭12‬ NIV)

Sermon today lined up well with being convicted on fear of man verses fear of God. 

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭29‬:‭25‬ NIV)

This lesson needs to be pounded into my head and into my heart so that I can impress it upon my children. They unfortunately will be growing up in a world much different than what I grew up in. Persecution will look much different for them during their lifetime than it will ever look like for me.

Really liked these nice neat handle bars to pass into my kids:
If something isn't true don't stoop to consider it.

If something is true stop to consider it.

There's much talk about not getting worked up over things that are not true but like the truth tie in with the above.

Okay got to at least attempt to get some sleep. 

D



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