Monday, August 31, 2015

Witch Water

I've been flapping my gums for weeks about getting Colic Calm for Mr. Peepers. This evening the crying jags combined with my hubs already being out lead to finally pulling the trigger. I've scoffed at the gas drops and other witch water to help with colic. Maybe I'll become a believer. Maybe I'll be kicking myself in the britches for not trying anything with my oldest. Brown babies are pretty high needs babies but goodness are they cute!!

So far seems like the witch water is working. First time this kid has settled in since early this evening. Going to try to finish Daniel without falling asleep and capitalize on a block of sleep before Noah gets up again.

D


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Sunday, August 30, 2015

I HEART Sunday's

Mr. Peepers had another rough night or rather morning that started at 4am. Sleepy but thankful for the gift of today. Pushed through the yawns last night to pick up and clean so today could be more of a Sabbath. Think there's still things to hammer out to make today a day of rest but we are getting there. It's crazy to think that it wasn't all that long ago when Sunday looked a lot different. Thankful for the ways Sunday has become more of a family day.

We took our kiddos to choir for the first time this evening. Kids that have grumbled about it for months sand its praises tonight. It's such a neat program for the kiddos and I'm thankful for the bonus two kid date night for us with friends tonight.

Going to fade fast and would like to try to get caught up in Daniel but not holding my breath.

D

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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Hurray Bed!

Good day but my ears are ready to go on strike. Little man has been up hard to settle in since 4am. Thankful he settled in for a long winters nap for girls time but has not been super happy the rest of the day. This evening the little girls have been full tilt exhausted and melting so that combined with Mr. Peepers has made for a Momma ready for bed!

1. Thankful for time with some of my peeps this morning. Love those gals. Blessed by official and unofficial community in my life. God is sweet in His provision!

2. Thankful for breakfast tacos for breakfast.

3. Thankful an unsettled baby who is currently settled on my chest right now.

4. Thankful for neighbors that are sweet friends and for a pack of boys at our home tonight. I find much joy in seeing my big girl and my boys in a pack of their friends. Sweet innocence and blessing.

5. Thankful for the new pocket park in the hood.

6. Thankful to be known by a sweet friend who blessed me by sending me a list of things I need for each kid for Co-op. Feels SO good to be know.

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Talked about heaven with my hubs tonight. What if we did actually get to see Jesus return? My general attitude has been "I'm not holding my breath". BUT why am I not living my life out taking advantage of every opportunity. Today a girl behind me in line who was really chatty talked about how much weight she has lost since drinking vodka again. I was not yet caffeinated and laughed and was clueless on what to say. Why didn't I ask God to give me the words I lacked this morning. Why do I doubt the power of the Holy Spirit?

Daniel 4:
God loves us enough to make us crazy so that we will turn and follow Him.

D



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Friday, August 28, 2015

Vitamin D

1. Thankful for friends who got us into the Arboretum for free!! That is no easy feat for our large and in charge crew. Thankful for such sweet provision today.

2. Thankful for adult conversation with a group of great women and a plethora of kids to help wear out my kids.

3. Thankful I got home just in time to chat with another friend that I love who dropped off fancy dinner!!

4. Thankful Noah did great today. He's done nothing but eat since we've been home but I expected that.

5. Thankful for the sweetness of my biggest who was caught reading bedtime stories to the two middles.

6. Thankful for the examples of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

7. Thankful to remember that the Lord is Sovereign and He is the one in control even when it seems like evil is winning.

8. Thankful for a bed and AC so I can crash now!

D

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Thursday, August 27, 2015

Well That's Funny

Today as I was throwing in a load of laundry I realized how much my "happiness" hinges on how successful I feel on any given day. That's pretty whack and explains a lot. Still too brain fogged to dive in much deeper than that unfortunately. Noah had a much better day today. I didn't have a crazy productive day but got to throw in a load or two of laundry and load the dishwasher. The rest of Noah's settled time was spent spending time with littles and the biggest. The boys were lost in Legoland today. Seriously best toy ever!

End of Ezekiel.

D



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Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Mixed Bag

So much I want to try to hammer out but I'm whooped. Sweet Mr. Peepers has been unsettled for most of the day except for one decent nap spent in my arms. He simply wasn't game for me setting him down today. Needless to say the Bit screamed a lot today, the boys were wild, and the Bunny has been testing limits like crazy. The oldest child was really helpful today but had her day yesterday. I do feel like she was the least squeaky wheel today and didn't get much attention. Ugh! Sweet Noah is most definitely out of the running for easiest Brown Baby. Most of mine are "high needs" and a sling and an Ergo have been the most needed baby item. This little guy is a bit "colicky". He doesn't scream for hours but he has a really hard time getting settled, probably from reflux and gas, and just requires a lot of TLC. Feel bad once again for the rest of my kiddos. I know this season will pass and I really do enjoy the newborn stage. I just hate that our kids have had such a very long season where I haven't been engaged the way I desire to be.

Falling out so switching to gratitude.
1. Thankful for health of myself and family.

2. Thankful for a sweet friend who brought us dinner tonight. She has had quite the season and so much on her plate right now so pretty blown away by her serving us that way. Thankful also for time to chat even if brief.

3. Thankful for running into new neighbors who happens to be a WM family. Single momma who seems hungry to be loved. Look forward to seeing all that God has planned there.

4. Thankful for the Sassy Sombrero Sisterhood Society. One day it will change the world. All you need is love and some queso.

Falling asleep but will pinch myself to get at least a chapter of Ezekiel in.

D

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Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Rest

My hubs urged me to stay home today instead of going to drop off his Momma at his aunt and uncles. Hard choice to stay behind. One kiddo in particular had a hard time with me staying behind too. Part of my hesitation at staying home was knowing I would have a hard time resting. Thanks to the blessing that keeps on coming I had to get out of the house. I'm not physically resting but I'm getting the rest that I really was in desperate need of. Sitting at His feet and not falling asleep while there. I feel no guilt about my time with the Lord lately but I've missed Him. I'm in the weeds and He knows it and His gentle hand has extended much grace, blessing and provision. He knows me. He knows the deceit in my heart that I'm not even aware of. He also knows my desire to chase after Him with my everything and how even though that's my desire apart from Him I will fail every single time.

I've been sitting here pondering things written in Ezekiel. Chapter 36 has caught my eye the most. I'm reminded that it is the Lord who makes my heart soft. It's the Lord who strips away the sin bound up in my heart and gives me the will and the desire to obey Him. He is the one who is healing my spiritual blindness and the deafness. He chose me. He rescued me. Apart from Him I wouldn't have chosen to walk in the freedom of His salvation. If this is so I can't help but wonder if we truly are given free will. If it's His goodness that has rescued me and changes me did I truly have the choice to choose? The word that popped up in my head was SURRENDER. I "chose" the Lord when I was willing to surrender to Him. This is a daily choice and often a minute by minute choice. I wish I could abide and surrender constantly. That's the goal but daily I will be pulled away by the circumstances I can see around me. I'll look away from the cross and choose to go about my day alone. My hope though is that as my days here on earth continue to rapidly fly by I will choose to surrender, dwell and abide in Christ more and more. Since this is not something I can achieve on my own, by my own doing, I must ask Him to help me. There is nothing good in me apart from Christ. I wish I could tattoo that on my face. It's the great humbling agent. Anything that comes out of me that is good is because of Him. I can take no credit. This only makes me realize even more how much He loves me. I don't have a single thing to offer Him. Anything I have that is worth anything is because of Him. This is why I want to surrender all to Him.

Phone about to die which is a bummer because there are so many things I want to unpack. For now, I'm so thankful His promises are true. He leads me beside quiet waters. His rod and His staff comfort me. With Him I shall not be in want. He loves me and sees me and I am His forever. He desires for me to walk in the Freedom He purchased for me at such an incredibly high price. Thankful.

D


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Monday, August 24, 2015

Den of Grump

Just about everybody in our home was a grump today. Tonight I can feel myself switching from grumpy to pissed at the world for being so exhausted. Hard to deal with blocked goals when physically I'm running on fumes. Other than sinus funk and sleep I actually feel pretty good which is so lovely. Sleep will come eventually. I think the accumulation of the past year of lost sleep is wrecking me now a bit. Things are rough but I think mostly from being tired and frazzled and not enough schedule. I know things will smooth out before I know it.

Reading one chapter in Zeek and hoping to get caught up by at least listening on the way to Kauffman tomorrow.

D

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Sunday, August 23, 2015

PIeces of the Puzzle

Today was one of those days where God was throwing stuff at me all day. Lots of connecting dots and thoughts rolling through my head from the beginning of the day till the end. More pieces to the "puzzle" placed down.

I would love to unpack it all but I'm crazy exhausted. Overall thankful for a good day, my mil arriving in town safely, and celebrating a spicy two year old.

Hitting Ezekiel and then taking advantage of sleeping baby to sleep myself.

D

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Saturday, August 22, 2015

Stop Jammie Time

Ready to hit the hay. Bday family celebration postponed due to a missed flight. Want to bask in the Sabbath tomorrow but lots of odds and ends I must do to be able to make that happen. Still need to make a cake BUT I can make that a family ordeal. Still have PATH lesson plans I need to do by Monday. Eek! I heart procrastinating.

Ezekiel 29-32:
Brain didn't retain much but the common theme that sticks out to me is who disastrous pride truly can be. So much pride hidden away in many crevices of my heart. It's gross. It's deceitful. It keeps me from the Lord.

D

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Friday, August 21, 2015

Meow Meow

I can't believe this kid turns two tomorrow. This sweet girl is quite the pill and can be such a handful and I could not be more thankful to have her as our daughter. The Lord has blessed us so richly with her and I can't imagine our lives without her. She's a great answer to the question "are you done yet"? I don't know if we're done yet but I surely don't want to dig my heels in firmly and say yes. This world needed a Lillian Hope Brown. I thought I had seen depths of sleep deprivation but my Bit has taught me new levels that I had no clue even existed. Every hour of lost sleep has been so worth it. This crazy CRAZY kid is such a joy in our home. She keeps every single one of us laughing. So thankful!

This little pumpkin face isn't too shabby either.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Ding!

I'm so stick a fork in me done tonight. A sweet friend dropped by tonight and I realized how desperate I am for a night out with adult conversation without any children above the age of 1. I love my children dearly but I need to get away from them and maybe have a margarita with extra salt. I'd eat a bowl of queso all by myself too if I didn't think it would jack up Mr. Peepers already messed up system.

I am GROUCHY this evening. I'm not PMS grouchy, I'm angry at the entire world grouchy. I don't want to write a list of things I'm thankful for! I want to sit in my cantankerousness and fester and smolder and complain. I know my attitude has everything to do with a 4am wake up call and my inability to at least get another solid hour or two of sleep. To add to my mood, I just found out, because I am the Queen of Procrastination, that a kid in one of the classes I'm teaching at PATH is allergic to air. The class is all about using snacks to reinforce basic math skills. A mom has enrolled her child in a class filled with death snacks that is being taught by a teacher who is more absent minded than the Absent Minded Professor right now. Awesome!
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Peepers settled back in. Poor kids guts are a mess. What's up with BrownTown's guts being all shades of whack? Going tomorrow to the Voodoo store to get some witch water. Hate to put this kid on reflux meds if I can find something more natural that will help him. Glad we can be grumpy together. He's way too sweet to be feeling grumpy like his Momma.

Only read one chapter in Zeek so while I'm trying to keep this kiddo upright for twenty minutes I should try to keep myself upright as well and read.

D

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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Unsettled

I had finally gotten Mr. Peepers settled and asleep which has been a huge undertaking today and one of his loving siblings mauled him with love and got him started again. Argh!!! Needless to say I'm so ready to go to bed.

Thankful for my sweet neighbor who brought us a home run meal that everyone was fired up about. So thankful for her sweet family and fired up that they will be joining us at the homeschool co-op that we go to. I long to move out in the country with beautiful scenery and wide open spaces for my offspring to explore but leaving our hood would be sad. This house is the longest we've lived anywhere and it's been such a sweet spot to lay down deep roots. God has been so generous to us in the ways He has provided.

I feel like there are many dots God has been connecting for me. It's simply because of His graciousness that He's connected them for me. I don't deserve for Him to show me why but for whatever reason He's given me a small glimpse. It's given me hope as there's still so many things that have caused our hearts to ache that I may never fully understand this side of heaven and yet I know I can trust Him. It doesn't mean I won't ever waver but I trust Him more now than I ever have before. God is good all the time.

I still want to write out Noah's birth story. It's been hard to try to figure out how to piece together the high emotions of the last month and a half and what went down when he was finally born. I think the difficult part is that in many ways it was a holy experience like no other and there are no words that can capture it fully. The big take away though is how much better things went simply because when things really got going I leaned into the pain instead of fighting it. I did feel the Lord heavily and mightily the whole time labor was difficult. With Him by my side I was able to give in fully to the pain. Don't fight the pain is what is heavily impressed upon my heart. When life gets hard and painful it would go so much better if I would give into the heartache, the pain, the ache instead of trying to fight against it knowing that the Lord is with me through every wave of sadness, grief, hardship, ect.

Today I discovered how much I've struggled with fear and inadequacy especially in light of this past year. I know I believe lies about being a parent and it's not in my face every day but it's there and surely it has to affect every day somehow. This is an area that has always been there since I saw those two pink lines for the first time and my world was rocked in many ways. This past year has created new wounds and insecurities and having 7 minions makes it feel like I am under a microscope in some ways. In this I just need to lean into all of it. I need to lean into the fear and the lies I believe. I need to lay them at the feet of Jesus and be okay to be an absolute mess about them. I don't need to fight against the pain and try to prove anything to the world or even to myself.

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Sweet quiet evening spent chatting with my hubs. So thankful for that man!

Many more thoughts but yawn.

Haven't started on Zeek yet but off to read then pass out.

D

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Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Put The Lime In The Coconut

First day out and about with a crew of 7 plus an extra. First stop at the library was extra sweet as I ran into a cherished friend unexpectedly. Always love time with her. I probably pushed the library envelope a tad too long and my pile-a-zoo turned into well, a zoo or rather a circus. Next stop was loud and crazy and always makes me feel a bit dirty but kids got fed and got out some energy. It wasn't without a hitch but we all survived. It's good for things to not go as smooth as silk, that allows for pride to set in way too easily. Plus where's the adventure of traveling with a three ring circus if there are no curve balls or surprises along the way. Came home to a gloriously cleaned house. Can't get over what an amazing gift we have been blessed with. It's a sweet gift of sanity.

My dear friend asked how feeding our crew has been going. It is always a blessing to be given the gift of dinner. I know that's not everybody's deal but it blesses this Momma's socks off. This time around the meals have been like manna. They have lasted for more than one meal which has been awesome!!

My hubs took the kids on a walk this morning and all of them were pretty fired up about it. I'm thankful tonight as my oldest boy was so excited to go walking with Dad that he got everyone up at 7:30. This was the reset my crew needed. It's 10pm and it's wonderfully quiet. Not sure Mr. Peepers is going to stay that way but for right now the living pacifier is keeping him quite happy.

Texted with a sweet friend today who is going through an incredibly tough season of heartache and loss. Thankful she is not trying to fake it till she makes it. God can handle exactly where she is at. God can handle all of us exactly where we are all at. I'm not quite sure where some of us got this notion that pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps makes us "better" or even "good" Christians. I've wrestled so much with feeling like a complete walking train wreck. All that has to do with is pride. God most certainly doesn't need me to have it all together. In fact, our relationship flourishes when I stop trying to fool myself into believing I have my act together. God can do so much when I am needy and broken. Yet I fight against being needy and broken but that's exactly what I am. I'm often just too blinded by my pride, self reliance, and self protection to see my neediness and my brokenness.

I think I'm ready to hang up my career at trying to join the spiritually elite club. I had no clue I even had any desires to join this kind of a club but that's just how deceitful the heart can be. I think maybe I'm more hindered by my successes than I am by my failures. My failures and my inadequacies point to my desperate need for Jesus. This is a good thing!! My successes feed my pride and makes it all the more easy for me to try to walk alone apart from Christ. There is nothing good in me apart from the Lord. I can't even change myself. Any kind of restoration or sanctification that happens in my life is a result of the good work the Lord has done in my heart. I can't take credit for growth or change. In many ways this is all so freeing. The yoke is easy and the burden is light when I remember that my job is to love the Lord with all my heart, soul and mind. In other words my job is to be yielded to the Holy Spirit and the work He is doing in my life. That looks different for everybody and I need not compare journeys. His grace and mercy is sufficient for every single day. I am clothed in His righteousness even when I'm a grumpy sleep deprived bear. Thankful for this reminded tonight.

Ezekiel 16-19:
"Put all your rebellion behind you, and find yourselves a new heart and a new spirit. For why should you die, O people of Israel? I don't want you to die, says the Sovereign LORD. Turn back and live!"
‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭18:31-32‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Oh how He so desires for us to have live and have life. He loves us so much!

Even in the midst of the horrors of judgement the Lord has plans to restore His people and for them to have a new heart so that they might truly live. His desire is the same for all of us.

D

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Monday, August 17, 2015

Ironic

Alaina Morsette lyrics about rain on your wedding day is going through my head as I think about the irony of how I want to complain about all the complaining that went on in our home today. I kept waiting for my ears to start bleeding today. To keep the complaining at bay here are the things I'm thankful for today.

1. I'm so thankful for the cause of my desperate need for an IV drip of coffee in the morning.

2. Thankful for time chatting with a sweet friend who has her own baby who brought us food today. That is no easy feat and I'm very thankful.

3. Thankful for a sweet friend's kiddos who have taken turns investing in my boys and my girls. So sweet to have examples of older kiddos serving them so that they too can learn to serve others.

4. Thankful to have pulled the trigger on an idea to love on a neighbor today. I often have the best intentions but execution is often a hard thing to do.

5. Thankful for all of my never sleeps. Thankful that they are all healthy and strong.

Going to listen to Ezekiel while I sway and shush and try to get Mr. Peepers to settle in. Listening feels a little like cheating to me but just like reading on my phone is not as good as reading in my actual bible it's better to sit in God's Word than be hung up about perfection.

Hoping tomorrow I won't be as grumpy and I will handle my children's entitlement with more grace.

Witching hour has arrived.

D

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Sunday, August 16, 2015

The Bright Lights

Good day but a migraine settled in this afternoon and has been quite the beast. Had worse but unpleasant. Light on my phone making it worse so going to listen to some Jeremiah.

D

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Saturday, August 15, 2015

Bullseye

First solo outing with Mr. Peepers today. Went to Target for school supplies and a few staples. Little man decided he was tired of the sling half way through so I trudged along one armed. When I got in the car my chest was burning, I was parched and my blood sugar low. All in all I'd say it was pretty successful! While I was gone the rest of the crew planted pumpkins, played in the sprinkler and hubs managed to over see six Brownie baths. That in itself is an Olympic Event! He deserves a gold medal. I deserve a margarita with extra salt. 

Hubs got lots of projects done today and I held a restless baby. We chatted about our ailments, his reflux and my newly burst eardrum. Thankful for the time to gaze upon God's handiwork today. 

Tired and have some things to knock out so tomorrow truly can be more of a Sabbath. Going to try harder to put forth the extra effort to work on Saturday so that Sunday's truly start to become Sabbath. God wasn't messing around when He commanded us to rest so my thoughts so far is to eliminate as much housework as possible and to disconnect from electronics mainly the iEvil. I'm sure there is more things to add or rather take away but this is a good start. 

Ezekiel 7-11:
I know I missing stuff like crazy. The description of the cherubim again are fascinating and terrifying to me. Trying to grasp these verses:

"Then the glory of the God of Israel rose up from between the cherubim, where it had rested, and moved to the entrance of the Temple. And the LORD called to the man dressed in linen who was carrying the writer's case. He said to him, "Walk through the streets of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of all who weep and sigh because of the detestable sins being committed in their city." Then I heard the LORD say to the other men, "Follow him through the city and kill everyone whose forehead is not marked. Show no mercy; have no pity! Kill them all—old and young, girls and women and little children. But do not touch anyone with the mark. Begin right here at the Temple." So they began by killing the seventy leaders."
‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭9:3-6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Believers here get a mark on them. This will again happen in Revelations. I'm wrestling with young children being killed. I always just assumed babies and young children were destined for heaven. These verses seem to suggest that maybe even some young children may go to hell? God knows all so it makes sense that He would know what choice they would have chosen had they been given the opportunity to grow in enough maturity to choose the Lord or not. Hard verses to read regardless.

D


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Friday, August 14, 2015

Wide Open Spaces

In desperate need of some wide open spaces. This herd of Brownies needs new places to explore and roam for all of our sanity. Maybe one day. 

Overall it was a decent day. I had my fill of boxlandia and when one knucklehead woke up the baby while hopping around in a box I called it quits. Three days of building all over our house with boxes galore is obviously my limit. They sure had fun while it lasted. If it wasn't as hot as the surface of the sun they could have taken their boxlandia outside and it could have lasted till the rains came. 

Fun night at the BrownTown Circus. It will be fun someday watching video of all their shenanigans with all their friends. Muhaha!!!

Thankful tomorrow is Saturday!! The little is starting to reject the paci. Sad day.

Ezekiel 1-6:
The descriptions of the Cherubim and the throne of the Lord is hard for my brain to comprehend. I did google images and gave me a better idea. Some of the creatures in heaven sound pretty frightening. Being face to face with God's glory is going to be pretty terrifying by itself.

This verse stood out to me the most.

"(The LORD gave this message to Ezekiel son of Buzi, a priest, beside the Kebar River in the land of the Babylonians, and he felt the hand of the LORD take hold of him.)"
‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭1:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Love the thought of the hand of the Lord taking hold of us. The rest of this read is pretty grim. So hard to read but I know it's good for my heart to read. 

Fading....

D
 



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Thursday, August 13, 2015

I HEART Coffee

My title pretty much says it all. If I could drink a cup before getting out of bed that would be the best! Then maybe I wouldn't stumble out of bed like a Mombie in the morning.

Pretty chill day. Got our medicine cabinet cleaned out today. From the amount of expired meds I threw away it's been a good 8 plus years since that has happened. Now when chaos abounds I can open my cabinet and smile. Maybe this can be my daily relaxation exercise.

The big thrilling news of the day is that we (my hubs) have cracked the car seat math puzzle and have fit three car seats on our back row. Wahoo!!! Buying three new car seats is much cheaper than buying a new van. I will say there is quite the difference in quality in a spendy car seat. I will also say that there is quite a big difference between the cheapest nursing tank out there and a ten dollar upgrade. Living the high life baby!

My hubs asked if I planned on leaving to go anywhere tomorrow. It wasn't all that long ago that it would have been a mission to fly the coup as soon as possible. Thankful to be older and wiser or maybe just lazier and be perfectly content to keep my booty at home where the AC is not to cold and not too hot. Plus who doesn't enjoy a good round of Sibling Survivor Island where the shrieks could be heard for miles. Yes neighborhood you are welcome!

Lamentations 1-5:
This is a hard and brutal read. It's a much needed read though because it is the reality of life lived in rebellion against the Lord. Our country scoffs at truth and embraces feelings over reality. There is no escaping the justice of the Lord though. His discipline is loving. Better to live hell on earth than to live an eternity in hell. God give me your eyes for people who are far away from you. Give me a sense of urgency and a burden for their souls. Give me words to say and eyes that see.

Chapter 3 is beautiful.

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!""
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:20-24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Thank you Lord that this is true!!

D




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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Today

Woke up to my sweet new little alarm clock who likes to go off at 5am. Snuck in 30 more minutes of sleep but this kitty cat is tired. Meow meow. When I drug myself to the bathroom I couldn't help but be incredibly thankful for the day with this beautiful mess. Waking up to a clean house can put a Momma in a dazzling mood. Hate for my mood to be dictated by my circumstances but I believe this goes further than just circumstances alone. With 9 bodies living under one roof, I see the value of order much more than I used to. With having a more free spirited approach to life has come a disregard for organization and order. I am learning to embrace and cherish both of these qualities and see them very much as qualities that God possesses. I yearn for order more than I ever have simply because I know the only order I can control is my physical surroundings. The seven wonderful little people that I reside with can erupt with all sorts of insanity at any given moment. All that to say is I'm thankful for the beautiful gift of order, it's a crazy blessing! I am thankful that even though this world can seem disorderly and chaotic a lot of the time God is very ordered and He has a plan and a purpose for everything.

In an attempt to take lots of vitamins and minerals to beat the postpartum funk I've forgotten to keep up on my allergy meds. This morning woke up with a raging ear ache and what feels like a sinus infection. Boo!!! A minor annoyance but overall grateful once again for good health. Oh! This reminds me I think we are getting some movement on Lilly's thrush. When I looked into her sweet little mouth today I was shocked to see that it indeed is starting to clear up on its own. Hurray for probiotics and for the Great Colon Clean Out of 2015. Would have done backflips today if that wouldn't have meant a broken neck. Crazy thankful for this!!!

The last two days have felt like we are hitting our stride in the new normal. Thankful for things settling down and for life to begin to resume like normal. I am looking forward to getting school started back up but I am holding things loosely knowing that free spirited toddlers and babies don't always want to play ball. Seems like Little Man is chill every other day and the other day is not horrible but has a harder time settling in. I do love the newborn stage and I'm eating it up.

No way I'll get caught up in Jeremiah tonight but not sweating it. I could go all legalistic and stress about getting caught up or I can enjoy the time I'm able to put in right now and be free. Just thankful to be on this heart journey and live in a country where I can freely read God's Word.

D

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Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I Forgot

Feel like I had a good title for today but I completely forgot. Natural Calm kicking in so I think I have 4 minutes before my brain completely shuts off.

1. Thankful for a successful maiden voyage out of the house with Seven. It wasn't a solo voyage but I think once my body starts fully cooperating adding another to the bunch will not be super crazy. So great to have bigs.

2. Another rough day with my oldest boy. Good talks with him and at least whole hearted attempts to hear his heart. Need to draw nearer to that kid and find ways for him to have some wins. Praying for wisdom on how to love that kid well and help train him to be the man God created him to be.

3. Thankful again for the wonderful gift of a clean house. Our home is much more of a sanctuary when it's clean.

4. Lots of stuff in my head but have been lacking the brain power to get it all out. Hopefully one day soon.

Jeremiah. So not going to get caught up in time but will hopefully jump back in full for in Lamentations.

D

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Monday, August 10, 2015

Dream Baby

Noah was a dream baby today. He ate and took long naps on the couch. Thankful as today I took the helm of this crazy ship solo. Re-entry is always difficult. Considering the fun that has gone down in the past couple weeks today was pretty stinking good.

1. Thankful that a recent ant episode seems to be mostly over. Little buggars were coming in through our sliding glass door. I don't blame them it's crazy hot outside.

2. Thankful for Benadryl and a short lived case of hives. No clue what caused the allergic reaction but thankful it went away almost as quickly as it came on.

3. Thankful to feel more "normal" today.

4. Thankful for sweet friends who have fed us so well. Such a crazy blessing!!!

5. I need to try to take it easier tomorrow (HA!). My body is pretty angry at me. Not sure how I'm supposed to do that but I need to at least try. Feeling my age in this recovery for sure. Thankful all the crazy pills and concoctions that I'm taking is helping me feel less emotionally whack. I don't feel flat and apathetic or particularly anxious and on edge.

6. Thankful for a chat with a friend who popped in with yummy cupcakes.

Jeremiah. More to read but this verse stood out.

"I know, LORD, that our lives are not our own. We are not able to plan our own course."
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭10:23‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Long slow lessons on this. We were created for His glory. My sense of entitlement and desire for comfort in this life is gross.

D





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Sunday, August 09, 2015

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Little man struggling tonight. We'll see how this goes.

1. Emotional hangover today. Good times.

2. Thankful Noah is having a rougher time today as opposed to yesterday. God's graciousness right there!

3. Beginning to see a correlation between my ability to be vulnerable and how cherished I feel by my husband. Headed in the right path but beginning to see I have bigger walls than I thought. Oy!

4. Feeling pretty shell shocked right now. Hate it.

5. Comforted by God's loving faithfulness today. Feel like I'm trying to navigate life with a bunch of open or festering wounds.

Jeremiah and bed.

D

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Saturday, August 08, 2015

Poop On The Potty

When praying for humility remember that the Lord surely will deliver. The Bit started screaming this morning in pain and it's been anxiety and stress filled wild ride. After hearing her scream off and on in pain for most of the day and then watching a fever rise rapidly in her I had enough and my hubs took her to the ER. Thankfully sweet girl only has yet another virus and is full of poop. That definitely explains why she was gagging and on the verge of throwing up this morning. We had already used more drastic measures to unclog her and she had already gone a lot. I can only imagine just how full she has been. Out of all this I'm walking away with this:
1. I'm so crazy thankful for friends willing to take kids and pray at the drop of a hat in the midst of all their own busyness.

2. I feel like a dope for causing so much drama over poop. I feel like a walking dramatic train wreck. I need to get over myself. I simply could not listen to my baby girl scream in pain any longer. Oh what a beautiful humbling experience. I should strike the term EGR from my vocabulary. Who am I to judge the circumstances of others? This year is teaching me that I shouldn't be calling anybody a train wreck, EGR, drama magnet or whatever may pop into my head. I have become that person. I am the person who takes their kid to the ER for poop.

3. I am completely done. I've prayed for brokenness and I feel completely undone. The thought of facing tomorrow seems so completely overwhelming. I want to completely melt into the sheets and not move for at least a month. My poor kids have lived with a shell of a mother for almost an entire year now. When do they get to grieve over the losses they have faced and unpack all the trials they have gone through.
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Feeling less fatalistic after a good cry, chatting with my hubs and a friend, and baby therapy. Here's my continued but new list.

1. I confess I want to go underground and hide simply so I stop appearing like a drama freak show. Even if nobody thinks that I feel that way. This is all rooted in my damn pride so I will neither hide nor run away and I will pray that I get over myself. I'm freaking weary and I need people to stand in the gap in prayer as I hit the dang potholes because I'm too dang tired to weather the potholes solo. God has blessed me with amazing friends to come alongside me. I'd be a fool to not reach out in fear of appearing full of drama and needy.

2. When Les first took Lilly to the hospital I was pretty wrecked with fear, stress and anxiety. I felt an overwhelming need to be wrapped up in some motherly love. My first thought was to text my midwife to ask her to pray for Lilly. I shoved it away again because of pride. I eventually ended up texting her anyway and asking her to pray and confessing my fear in texting to begin with, stubborn pride. Instantly felt peace that surpasses understanding. I know God is hack sawing away at my desire to not be needy and to be strong and courageous and not be a complete and utter mess. I don't want to be weak. Yet God tells me that when I am weak He is strong. The surgical removal of pride feels like an agonizing painful death. I feel like I'm bleeding out and I keep trying to kick away the master surgeons hand. I'm weary and I'm tired but I know all of this crazy is not in vain. God is good all the time and He loves me. He's not letting this season go unnoticed or all for not.

Read Jeremiah as best as I could off and on today. Eyes closing fast.

D

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Friday, August 07, 2015

Hallelujah

Another laid back day. Little man was super chill today and took longer peaceful naps today, very different than yesterday. I expect tonight might be a little more tough but I'll take it. There's lots of baby hogging that goes on around here so I will take it.

With lots of naps came some time to actually get a few things done for school. Can't believe summer is coming to a rapid end already!!! Its crazy.

Our sweet Bit is still struggling hard to adjust to being a big sister. She's sweet to Noah but goes around screaming all day. I think her thrush is coming back too which is such a bummer. They did culture her thrush last time and she's got a stubborn strain of it so that might buy us an extra round on an antifungal medicine before having to go to immunologist. Honestly though if that's where we are going to end up might as well go now. Her poor guts have never been quite right. At least maybe we'll get all her kinks worked out and then maybe start working on the bigs stomach issues. The yeast overgrowth could actually be causing some of her feralness. I would be fired up if the screaming would stop but would be super sad if her "meow meow" goes away too. One day she will utter her last meow meow and it will indeed be a sad day. This kid has enough personality for a herd of kids. Thankful for her!!

Thursday, August 06, 2015

Wild Thing

Brain still very fuzzy from transitioning hormones. I don't know how to explain it other than to say my thoughts feel smokey or hazy. I am weepy but not necessarily sad. Unfortunately I'm a bit unfiltered with my offspring right now. Thoughts like "stop talking to me" have slipped out of my mouth on several occasions today. Thankfully in an effort to distract and alleviate parental stress at times I do have a playful relationship with my kiddos. I am a bit overwhelmed by all the physical boundary crossing and hot steamy kid breath that has been breathed in my face in an attempt to "love" on Noah. All in all I can't complain.

Kids are still completely off a "normal" routine and I'm slightly concerned that we are all turning into vampires. Right now when they should be sleeping they are instead giggling and making plans to overthrow the world. I know the melodramatics are going to continue to be extra high at this rate. I dare not move and wake up the restless baby who finally settled in though in order to shoot them with a tranquilizer gun. Nobody takes the cake more that this sweet hot mess who screamed most of the day. Obviously she's adjusting to being a big sister quite well. It's a big ole mess around here but I'm so crazy thankful for the beautiful mess I get to be apart of. Crazy thankful for my hubs who helps makes this mess possible.

Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Sweet Emotion

Feeling incredibly weepy today. Felt like I was on the verge of tears multiple times today. No reason in particular other than hormones probably. That sure is my favorite!

Heart filled with gratitude tonight for God's gracious provision all over the place. Meals, diapers, offers to take our minions, fun bag of tricks for our bogs, sweet faces of friends, perfectly timed midwife appts and various other things. Feeling crazy loved despite knowing that we often are viewed as a circus side show in the world with our now seven kids. God has graciously blessed us with amazing people in our lives. Very very thankful.

Going to keep moseying through Jeremiah and hopefully catch up at some point or not. Wish I had a clearer head but I'm going to blame it on hormones, lack of sleep and low blood pressure. My midwife told me to start my day off with coffee to help with the low blood pressure so thankful to be able to jump ship on being caffeine free after just a couple days. Probably should have sat on my booty just a tad more today as tonight I'm getting tell tale signs that I did a tad too much today. So lame but going to be wise and do the good I ought to in the short run so that in the long run things will go better and I'll actually heal faster. Monday will be here soon enough and I'll have plenty opportunity to be off my duff and long for my day's confined to the couch. My hubs has been great about getting trying to keep me seated. Love that man!

Off to read, watch a silly show or two with my hubs and get ready for another night of solo time with Noah. He likes to rock and roll all night.

D

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Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Sleep All Day

Woke up feeling less crazy and ready to move my booty to the couch. My body had other plans as I crashed shortly after breakfast and slept all day long waking up only long enough to feed Noah. Glad I got to spend some time with my minions but I've been ready to go back to bed for a couple hours. Thankful for my amazing hubs who has been diligent to help keep me in bed resting. So thankful for him.

Hoping to knock back some chapters of Jeremiah but I think I'll be doing good to get one chapter in tonight.

D

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Monday, August 03, 2015

Overload

Switched into the crazy land where fall asleep on your feet exhaustion switches to can't sleep craziness. I feel like I've been out for a long weekend of drunken debauchery. I'm reminded now why it's so hard to rest after having a baby. I feel a compulsive need to do something with this anxious restlessness. Yet exhaustion prevents me from doing anything of real value because my brain is scattered in a million directions. 

I still want to unpack everything that happened pre-birth because one day I would love to remember the details and view it as one of many memorial stones of God's faithfulness in my life. Today has had its own mess of emotions and struggles. I know a lot of things are compounded right now simply out of sheer exhaustion. That can be good in some ways as it seems to squeeze out the raw in me that I'm not always aware of or connected with. 

Let me bang out my lists of unexpecteds that have hit the last 24-48hrs.

1. I don't trust myself and my ability to make important decisions in regards to the care of others mainly my kids. 

Pardon my French, just keeping with the raw emotion, but there have been decisions in the last couple days and the overwhelming feeling I've had is "I'm going to miss something and fuck everything up". Rationally I know I am not so powerful that I can usurp God's Sovereignty. I know this rationally but I also know He lets us mess things up royally. I feel like I've messed things up royally in the past. I missed something huge. The dots were all there and I just never connected them. Granted in that situation I wasn't praying for wisdom but I'm still haunted that I can easily miss the glaringly obvious.

2. I didn't expect to hit with the joy and blessing of holding and experiencing the gift of new life all the while grieving and feeling such sorrow over the heaviness and weight of the loss of life. I did expect tears over a sweet friend's recent losses but didn't expect how deeply it would plow me under realizing the full weight of her loss, her families loss and the loss of this world this side of heaven. 

I didn't expect to feel so much sorrow over Baby Costa Rica while holding sweet Noah in my arms. That has been such a bizarre and confusing feeling. If it wasn't for the loss of Baby CR we wouldn't have Noah. I don't want one over the other I want them both. 

3. I didn't expect it to be so hard to stay in bed for three days when I even had high hopes of making it an entire week. It sounded glorious and magical to me. It's hard.

4. I didn't expect to want to run away from my offspring today. I envisioned sweet one on one time while drinking in the depths of the joys of oxytocin. Not so much. 

5. Over all I wasn't expecting the emotional turmoil of today, the crazies, and the crash after yesterday. I should have but I didn't. 

Today feels like the rest of this journey. Painful digging up of roots, exposing of lies and raw wounded areas. It is messy and I really hate being a mess but I need to embrace it because the truth of the matter is that I am a mess. In the mess thankful for prayers, friends, blessings that have also been so unexpected along the way, my tired hubs who has served me none stop for days, seven beautiful children and abundant love and grace that never ceases.

Jeremiah 1:
"They will fight you, but they will fail. For I am with you, and I will take care of you. I, the LORD, have spoken!""
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭1:19‬ ‭NLT‬

Bit screaming bloody murder. 

D

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Sunday, August 02, 2015

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow

I tried to get this out earlier today if anything to just try to capture everything that has gone on in the last 48-72 hrs. It's been an intense journey of the heart. Today felt like a blur and trying to stay on top of the simplest of postpartum care seemed incredibly hard to stay on top of. Extremely exhausted, emotional, overwhelmed and thankful beyond words. Thankful for friends who have loved us so incredibly well this past week. Blown away by it all.

I feel much too zombie like to even begin to unpack everything. The birth of every single one of my children has been beautiful but this one was by far one of the most peaceful and serene. I got my Ann Voskamp birth after weeks of crazy. Hoping tomorrow I can capture in words all that is on my heart tonight. Going to bed filled with joy, gratitude and sorrow.

Psalm 127 & 139

D

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Saturday, August 01, 2015

Don't Bring Me Down

Went to bed last night consistently having irregular contractions. Woke up around 12 and felt like I was in transition. I had had a couple good contractions but then felt shaky from head to toe and that strange transition feeling. It was the most bizarre thing in the world. I texted my midwife and told her I felt like I was in transition. By the time midwives got here I had no more contractions and although I continued to feel incredibly off no more shakes and chills were replaced by feeling like a fireball ready to explode. I've alternated all night between feeling chills and fireball hot. All vitals of the baby and I are good except that I'm running a fever. It's not a high temp but it's there and just enough to not feel great. The "natural cleanse" I've thought was part of labor approaching is actually probably the result of a mild stomach bug. Good times! Thankful I'm not throwing up. It could be so much worse and I'm thankful for God's gracious provision in that!

About an hour after the midwives left I had "the show" after loosing my cork all day long. I about came undone due to feeling helpless and utterly and completely confused. I'm exhausted from crazy lack of sleep and my body is fighting off a virus all the while I'm pretty confident, scratch that, I know I'm in labor. Irregular pretty decent contractions have been going on all night long. Thankfully I've been able to get a few hours of sleep in and even this morning while trying to keep myself occupied on my phone or pray or think, I drift off. I am incredibly thankful for the HUGE break between contractions. I can not imagine trying to navigate the intensity of one of my usual water is broken births while feeling like and actually going poo.

I've felt as if this labor was going to somehow be the physical manifestation of where I am in this season of life. Of course, it's not at all what I expected. God has been so gracious to ease the difficulty of the pain. Although it comes and makes my toes curl at times it's incredibly bearable simply because God has been gracious to me. I feel awful. I've felt for weeks now like I simply do not have the energy, strength, ect to birth this baby as contractions have come and gone. That continues to be my reality as I feel so sleep deprived crazy and physically run down. Yet God's gracious hand is in the middle of it all and He's carrying me through. It's in some ways horrible and absolutely not the way I would have planned a single thing and yet I'm finding so much beauty and absolute comfort in the process. It's felt long and dragged out and realistically could continue to last for days. Trusting that whatever happens, God has got Cupcake and me in His hands.

Isaiah 63-66:
"For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him!"
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭64:4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

D

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