Thursday, December 31, 2015

Stitches, Blebs, Waffles & Lights

1. Wanted to end the year with clean children. Unfortunately in a battle of tub verses toddler the tub won.

Rambling Fool

So I had written stuff but then switched gears. It just feels like a huge crazy ramble. So bullet points.

1. My sweet hubs handed me Kohl's cash and grabbed seven kids and sent me on my way to get some clothes. I'm thankful and it was fun but struggled with it being fun for several different reasons. More than the stuff I got I'm thankful for my husband who encouraged me to go and forbid me to use it on the kids. That man knows me well.

2. All signs are pointing to Romans being the book of focus this coming new year. God didn't drop a neon sign but it was close enough. If I tackle a chapter a week that will be about four months but could see it going longer than that. We'll see.

3. 2016 will be the year of self care. Grumble grumble. Instead of a crazy list of a million things to do all at once I'm going to have targets that I want to hit and the end goal by the end of the year. I do need to make a list of Drs I need to see. This year a dentist is a must but I might cry like a baby. I fear the price tag that is looming in my mouth. God knows our needs and I am more than confident that the same God who can clothe the flowers can provide the funds to take care of my mouth. May He take care of it physically and spiritually.

4. I didn't get to read my new favorite persons sermons today but really chewing on something that was in his stuff about blessings. I'm going to probably communicate this poorly but he made a strong point about not arguing with your brothers and sisters in Christ and not being so concerned about being right. God can choose to bless those who are wrong or right and He can choose to not bless those who are right or wrong. God is less concerned about getting it "right" than us being divisive and argumentative with our brothers and sisters. This can apply to so incredibly much. Really all this boils down to is possessing 1. love and 2. humility.

5. I think I also want to drill into and pray about developing a richer life full of prayer and praise. I have no idea how to be intentional about that in a way that is more than I'm going to pray and give praise more. So praying about that :)

6. The character trait I want to focus on this year is humility. I see the utmost need for it and I know I lack it.

7. Twelve more chapters till I hit my goal of the bible in a year. Not completing goals stinks but nailing one is pretty awesome.

8. Jeremiah 30-39 The Lord yearns for our hearts. He relentlessly pursues us despite our wicked wayward behavior. He is very slow to anger and He is rich in mercy and love.


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Tuesday, December 29, 2015

I Praise You

Today was a blur of wonderful yet crazy kids, the beautiful but mundane, reading, snuggling and fighting viral funk. Overall I'd say it was another beautiful day of "vacation". I do wish I could get rid of the growing funk deep down in my chest. It's like I have fuzz stuck in my lungs. I don't feel horribly sick though so it's weird.

Been reading more Watchman Nee. Tomorrow I get the book This Normal Christian Life. I read all I could for free on Kindle and then bought a copy of his writings on Blessing and Praise. I did like his take on Blessings and I'm still chomping on it. It definitely wasn't the type of blessings we think of when we talk about the ways God blesses us. His sermons on praise however are really awesome. It's kinda flipped me around a bit and I'm crunching on how this fits in with goals or rather hopes for 2016. Needless to say I've really enjoyed Nee's biblical take on things. There's something about somebody who is truly willing to suffer for the sake of Christ that gives them a platform that others do not and will not ever have in the same way. Today was kinda like watching a great football game for me. I'd read something and want to jump up and yell YES!!!! Again super sweet to read up on praise while reading Revelations. It's full of praise towards God. In the midst of the crazy judgement God's saints are constantly falling on their faces to praise and worship the Lord. It's awesome.

I'm thankful for some time to read and fill up my tank before charging into the new year. Thankful to get some spiritual vigor back a little bit. Hopefully the pride that zeal can sometimes carry is tempered with a bit more humility. I hope that in 2016 I'm tempered over all a bit more by Christ. I've been so squeezed to the core and been walking around incredibly raw. My flesh is just below the surface so a lot more of the raw me has come out. I do appreciate getting a glimpse of the raw beast that does in fact reside in me regardless of how close to the surface it may or may not be. It's a beautiful reminder of who I truly am and why I so desperately need Jesus. This same great squeeze came shortly after having my fourth child. Thankful for the reminder of who I am, a wretched sinner in need of a Savior.

Revelations 21-22:
Lord let me not loose sight of the eternal in the every day temporal. Let me not be stained by this world. Renew my heart and mind Lord. Help me to love like you do. Help me to desire you over anything else. Take my meager loaves and fish Lord and turn them into blessing for my family, friends, neighbors and others you place in my path. Give me a heart created to praise you even in the midst of the deepest and darkest valleys. You are a good, good Father and I praise you for the magnificent plan of rescue that you have been writing since the beginning of time.

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Monday, December 28, 2015

Nothing But The Blood

I started reading The Normal Christian Life by Watchman Nee and it's really good. So far it's nothing earth shattering but it's a beautiful reminder of the sufficiency of the blood of Christ Jesus. It was an echo to read on the concept of Satan as our accuser after reading this verse last night.

"Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down."
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭12:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Chewing on this from the book: 
God is well able to deal with our sins; but He cannot deal with a man under accusation, because such a man is not trusting in the blood.
That's pretty strong if you ask me. It's a great reminder of why we must fight against shame and guilt and the accusations the Evil One tries to hurl our way. 

Trying to piece together what next year bible and everything should look like. I do like dreaming and reflecting on such things but I did realize that this is always done while in "vacation" mode. Real life involves more structure and schooling and less free time. So I'll make my ideal goals because a girl can dream can't she?

Rev 16-20:
Crazy crazy stuff in these chapters. I pray all of us grow to love Jesus much more than our lives or the world. Even in the midst of all the crazy judgement God still yearns for the people's repentance. They are way too stubborn and prideful. So incredibly sad.

Come quickly Lord Jesus.


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Sunday, December 27, 2015


We've continued to struggle with angry stomachs that come and go. Today Bunny was off and smelled like a bottle of nail polish remover. It's not violent by any means but it's annoying and energy zapping. Last night I had my own fun playing guts on fire. Tonight Mudge is once again not s fan of sleeping at night. Lack of sleep and the funk has us all rather bleh. If you are going to be bleh today was a lovely day for it.

Rev 8-15:
The end times will be some crazy times. Lord I say this with fear and trembling but may this family grow in patient endurance.

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Saturday, December 26, 2015

Blame It On The Gluten

I've decided that from here on out if anything unpleasant or unfavorable happens in life it must be blamed on gluten. If I tire of such antics then I shall blame shift to Dallergies. For instance, my beautiful dazzling four year old tore through our house this evening after a tornado warning expired. She screeched, squealed, kicked and hit and maybe even hissed at one point. I'm pretty confident it's due to the evil workings of gluten. My hubs earned like twenty jewels in his crown in heaven for his Saint like patience with her tonight.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. It could be the weird stomach crazy we're harboring, a shift in hormones or gluten. Since everything is glutens fault guess who is the winner? It could be all in my head but if it is guess what the cause of my gluten paranoia is? Correct, it's gluten.

Decent day but no rainbows or unicorns. We cleaned up most of the Holiday Chaos in the common areas. I'm so ready to get the tree out of our house. I feel like Momma Grinch but it's taking up room we do not have. The Christmas lights in several of our rooms can stay all year but the tree and other paraphernalia must go!

Feeling a huge desire to purge and organize and make New Years goals that will never get accomplished. What's the point of starting a new year if you can't feel shame and guilt about the year you are leaving behind? In all seriousness though I would like to get my ducks in a row so I can kick this school thing into high gear in January. Hoping for bitter cold and rain for at least three solid months. Not really, but kinda.

I did hear a song today that took me to memories of two summers ago as we waited for EEG results for girl responsible for the tornado today. That was almost a year after our Mississippi and Whooping Cough fun and directly after painful community group drama. Little did we know what was lurking around the corner for us just a couple months later. Tiring stuff and thankfully changed. Not all the change is for the better but some most definitely is. The Lord has knocked off some pride around the edges. I know there's much heart surgery left to do. He is faithful, kind, gracious, patient and loving. I am left feeling very much like an oozing pile of hot mess but thankfully either due to sheer exhaustion or growth I'm becoming more okay with it. I didn't realize how badly I desired to be anything other than a mess. Thankful that whatever 2016 holds for us the Lord has hemmed us in and He goes before us and behind us.

Rev 6-7:
Pretty powerful chapters. I pray the Lord will grow me and my family to be willing to die for the sake of Christ.

"'Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them,' nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; 'he will lead them to springs of living water.' 'And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.' ""
‭‭Revelation‬ ‭7:16-17‬ ‭

Come quickly Lord Jesus!

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Friday, December 25, 2015

Born Is The King It's Christmas!

Just finished watching the Nativity Story. Good for the soul. Good laid back Christmas. Both my hubs and I were out of gas and it was a challenge to get dinner on the table. Well, my hubs got dinner on the table and I made a cake. Thankful our sweet currently displaced neighbor came to join us for dinner. Very possible we gave her the gift of a stomach bug. I was feeling a bit funky before dinner but then was okay but now feeling really queasy. Maybe it's a very bad Gluten Baby conceived by my gluten debauchery or a stomach bug. Either way ending Christmas 2015 with a Big Bang! Going to close out the day with Luke 2 and then hopefully fall asleep before I puke. So very very thankful for His kind mercy and many blessings in my life. Ending the day with a full heart and angry stomach.


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Stille Nacht

Mixed bag today as I struggled with my flesh. Stupid expectations! I dreamed today would be magical but my poor hubs came down with the funk today and various kids have been complaining of hurting tummies. I threw myself a pity party but then had moments of victory. I crave comfort and sick loved ones on Christmas does not fit into that comfort equation. There are many many reasons to give thanks for this day.
1. The celebration of Emmanuel. Why Hr came down to be with and to become like us I'll never fully understand this side of heaven but I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the baby in the manager who has taken away the sins of the world and has set the captives free. Because of this baby I have hope that I am not lost to my sinful nature but made new through him. Praise Jesus!!!

2. Even though sick as usual my hubs pushed through as well as he could AND he was with us all day! I had a different picture in my head about how today would play out but we were together as a family and I'm thankful.

3. My hubs was determined to go to church despite feeling like junk. It was a super sweet service and two of my boys got to ring the bell that signals the start of the service. Got choked up when the pastor was talking about the name Joshua and when he said "Joshua the Lord saves" I almost completely lost it. The name of Jesus was no coincidence sand neither is the name of our boy. He's struggling with God right now. It's the very thing I feared the most in all of this. He's angry that God didn't tell me to get him out of his class. Really now that I've written down the words that have been weighing so heavy on my heart I'm not upset about my hubs being sick I'm still crushed about everything. And I'm so incredibly angry. The pride and arrogance and lack of really truly owning what happened and understanding the gravity of what happened and the long term healing and wrestling that must now be done makes me crazy. Yet today at church I was reminded that the Lord saves and that my kiddo will one day realize that to the fullest. There's hope amongst the grief and anger. Things have yet to be made right but in His perfect timing they will be once again.

4. My favorite part of the day was lighting candles together and singing Silent Night. It's my kids favorite part of Christmas Service and I'll be honest it's my favorite as well. Since no candles are allowed where our church meets we had our own candle light service. It was beautiful and a new tradition I know I will cherish as one of my favorites. My bigs sang Silent Night in German. I think them learning that song has made choir worth it. I already loved choir for so many reasons but hearing their sweet voices sing Stille Nacht is one of the sweetest things. Thankful for those precious and hallowed moments.

5. Thankful for the many ways God provided His manna today. I know His provision was all of the place even in ways I was not fully aware. I'm so thankful for His love for me, my family, my friends and those near and far from Him. He is a good good Father.

Reading Rev 4&5 and hopefully crashing. Mudge struggling yet again. Love that baby! Not excited about the holiday gas coming from the dog who ate the treats I was going to give to the neighbors.


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Thursday, December 24, 2015

Captain Crankers & The Never Sleeps

Realizing tonight that my expectations on what can be done on a single day is one quarter of what I would like it to be. In some ways it easier and some ways it's more difficult to be in the world of bigs and littles. When they were all little my desire to pack in the memory making was not as high. Now that my bigs is almost ten I want to cram in every single moment of memory making fun that I can. I want pixie dust and fairies and long days of playing games and playing in the snow and hearts spilled over hot chocolate. I want sleigh bells and sparkles and deep meaningful advent moments and all done with a clean house. Instead it's begging children to clean, meltdowns and duct taping children to beds in attempts to get them to sleep. It's piles of laundry and never ending exploding sinks, it's always being behind and time falling away into mystical black holes. It's not perfect and it's quite messy but it's real. So, I can embrace it for what it is or I can keep trying to reach that pie in the sky that will never happen. I personally like to do a little of both.

Revelations 3:
Read earlier. This up late thing is out of control. Wrapping and chatting with my hubs. Well, more like me chatting while watching my hubs wrap. I'm so thankful for him. So thankful we can stay up crazy late AND sleep in and be together all day. Loving this whole new world.


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Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Beach Christmas

It's as humid as the beach here! Nothing like running the AC in December. Ho! Ho! Ho!

My sweet hubs wrapped gifts while I watched tonight. Have I mentioned that I love that man?

Hard conversations with my kiddo today. It's going to be quite the journey. I was brimming with rage earlier but too exhausted to stay stuck there. Pretty much every week some sort of land mine goes off. But, it is getting better and I'm hopeful the Lord will redeem all of it. Besides the land mines I do feel the laughter, joy and fun creeping back more and more. For that I am very thankful.

The letters to the Churches are humbling.



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Monday, December 21, 2015

Like Mother Like Daughter

Thankful for intentional time with each kiddo today. Tonight as I was hanging out with my oldest I was pretending to play with her AG dolls and told her I play with them every night after she's asleep. She then told me I was like Grammy, who is my mom. I remember the giggles I had over my mom being silly when I was a girl. I told her unfortunately she was probably going to do the same with her kids someday too. I sure do love that girl. I still can't believe how quickly age ten is coming. How in the world did those ten years go by so quickly? It's but a vapor.

Been really thankful for this family the Lord has blessed me with. They drive me crazy at different points through out the day and dang they are ALL as LOUD as me. I love love love who God made each of them to be. They are amazing. My hubs, oh that man how I adore who God created him to be. Thankful for the now slower pace of things and the beauty of this season.

Early Christmas present came today from my beloved. I'll be honest I'm not a big gifts person. However, this gift is pretty stinking cool and I feel like I've kinda been gifted with a secretary. I really think it's going to help this mom with no brain cells left. Thankful for my thoughtful and sweet hubs.

So this book gives a pretty clear picture into the actions and heart of the depraved. They follow animal instincts and sow destruction and chaos here on earth. They will one day reap an eternity in the fiery depths of hell.

This verse is the most interesting to me in the book.

"But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not himself dare to condemn him for slander but said, "The Lord rebuke you!""
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I have so many many questions about this verse.

"But you, dear friends, by building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:20-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬
Come quickly Lord Jesus.

I really love this verse and pondering it.

"Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh."
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:22-23‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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Sunday, December 20, 2015

Sin Sucks

Heart hurts for a friend in a really hard situation. Thank you God for coming to us as a babe in a manger. Thank you for experiencing what it's like to be a lowly babe, child, adolescent and adult. You have directly experienced the joys of humanity, the depravity, the pain, loneliness and even abuse. You came to be with us. You will never leave us or forsake us. I'm so thankful for this advent season. Thankful for Hope even amidst such darkness. I'm so thankful for Jesus but I wait in eager anticipation for Him to come back again. Come quickly Lord Jesus!

Thankful for time getting to know new friends. I do love a group of young Mommas. My desire to love and mentor is out of this world around this sweet group of women. What if everybody did that? We wouldn't need programs to accomplish God's work. Lord help me to genuinely love the people you place in my path. I can be so self focused or a self righteous turd. Father help me take my eyes off myself and see people how you see them.

So I've been tongue in cheek saying our dog may die on Christmas but he's been rapidly declining. He's been making really weird noises and today he's having a really difficult time walking. I think the time is rapidly approaching to say goodbye. Although I've griped and complained about him, he's been such a very good dog. I'm going to be sad when he's gone. He was my first Christmas present from my hubs as a married couple. He was so stinking cute. Oh how things change and grow old. It's a vapor.

1 John - 3 John
Love your brothers and your sisters! Huge theme in these chapters. It's been awhile since I've read 1 John. It's really good and so sweet. Sweeter than honey. Chomping on this verse a lot tonight:

"Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them."
‭‭1 John‬ ‭2:15‬ ‭NIV‬‬

There are lots of things I love about this world. My comfort is one of many many things.

So thankful to be His beloved daughter.
"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him."
‭‭1 John‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Freeze It

1. My hubs found a deal on a deep freeze and surprised me with it today. I love that man!

2. I love the peace that a clean house brings. I hate the control it brings out in me. How dare my minions destroys my small slice of sanity.

3. Thankful for friends to laugh with and delicious food to eat. Thankful for a cherished friend to watch my crazies. I so easily take many things for granted.

4. I am thankful for God's great patience with us. I am thankful for a God who knows us, loves us and cares for us.

5. Thankful for bigs who still want to sleep in our room at times. One day it will be the last time and it will pass without us even realizing it. The days are so long and yet so short. I feel time slipping away rapidly. We are but a vapor.

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Saturday, December 19, 2015

All Is Quiet. (FINALLY!)

1. Thankful for a quiet house. There was lots of late night mayhem but finally my offspring are all asleep. They look like little angels when they are sleeping.

2. Thankful for Taco Joint. I LOVE that place. I might have a problem. I'm going to be so sad come January.

3. I heart Chocolate Chex. Thank you Chex for being gluten free. Again, I'm going to be super sad once I cut out sugar but for now I'm happy as a clam.

4. Thankful for the chaos of taking Christmas pictures with melting down littles. Always an adventure. Glad we could bring the circus to the Civic Center today. Hurray for poinsettia trees!

5. Thankful for the gift of a wonderfully clean house after weeks of boxes and gross encrusted kid funk. It was a glorious ten minutes with everything clean at the same time! Merry Christmas to me! I have the best hubs ever.

6. Thankful for older girls investing and loving on younger girls. Thankful for one teen in particular who has loved my daughter and a handful of her friends so very well. It's been a blessing indeed.

1 Peter:
So many thoughts but snoozed and now I loose.

This pace is killing me. So many thoughts.


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Friday, December 18, 2015

I Can See The Couch!

Sweet hubs has chosen to bless me by getting our house cleaned. The thing about house cleaners is that you need to pick up your house in order for them to clean. Part of that meant folding an entire couch load of laundry. Having to do housework on a time crunch stresses me out. Not having a time crunch means it will never get done, at least not all at once. Fold laundry or snuggle a cute baby? Anyway, I was a rude pooper to my hubs. Have I asked for forgiveness yet? Nope because I'm a stubborn rude pooper. Thankful my hubs helped make it possible to see our couch again despite my rudeness.

Thankful for laughs tonight at a moms night out. I was sad to not eat a fat piece of chocolate cake but managed to shove lots of other gluten free sugary treats into my mouth. January is going to be a long hard month.

Reminded tonight that there is no guarantee that my offspring are going to walk in the ways of truth and light. No matter how I raise them there is always the possibility that I could end up with Pharisees or prodigals. Honestly I don't know which is worst. I do pray for their brokenness. It's seems like such an odd thing to pray for my children. Until they reach the end of themselves though they will not fully get it. Lord give them eyes to see their desperate need for you!

James 4-5:
Such great chapters. Started reading chapter 4 last night and these verses have stuck:
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God."
‭‭James‬ ‭4:1-2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Selfish desire and self righteousness are quite the quarrelsome stinkpots.


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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Does Cheese Come With That Whine?

My three smalls win the whine contest tonight. Normally they tag team but there was no tapping out tonight. I think poor Mudge is getting yet another cold and ear infection. Tis the season for such greatness.

Stupid rash from being outside today. I just might go on a mission to burn every single Juniper in the state of Texas. Dallergies are the worst!

Thankful for impromptu time with a friend today. Feeling like a Meemaw though for passing on birthday margaritas at my favorite restaurant. If I had a teleport machine and if I would have felt okay with leaving my poor Mudge it would have been a no brainer. I need to start making some bottles for that kid. He sleeps well in the Ergo during the day but at night come 7ish that kid wants to be in bed. Smart kid. Of all my babies I think he would have actually been a crib baby. Too bad I gave ours away. That kid is too cute to be in a crib anyway.

Pondering the homily I heard tonight at Vespers. Look at my fancy Presbyterian words. Have I mentioned how the workings of churches still makes me want to throw up in my mouth? I'd like to think Jesus feels the same way and yet His enduring patience is amazing. We are one crazy and tarnished bride, that's for sure. The theme this year has been the unseen war or rather spiritual warfare. Loved the speakers take on self righteousness. I know I can totally be a self righteous turd. It can be so wearisome to fight my ugly flesh constantly! I am thankful for the little church we've landed at. I'm sure it has its own skeletons in the closet. So ready to worship with the big Church before a Holy God.

James 1-3:
So good and dense and lovely. Now falling asleep. Oh the tongue, and anger, and self ambition and envy. Oh sinful self that is so desperate for Jesus.

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Why Are They Still Up?

My never sleeps are still up. Actually one sleeper is up because this happened this afternoon.

Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur

When I was little one of my nicknames used to be Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur. I think it was a game back in the day and I just so happened to have a love affair with dinosaurs. I think back then there were like ten of them. Tonight I feel like dizzy dizzy dinosaur. Why did I like this feeling as a kid?

Thankful for:
1. Running into a much cherished friend at the Target.
2. Having more energy today which allowed me to hit two stores and make cupcakes and egg casseroles for my sassy girl's princess bday party.
3. I'm thankful for a sweet friend who is challenging me to walk everyday for healths sake.
4. Thankful I said something about the red flags. I can only imagine the guilt I would have on my shoulders had I not. God's grace and provision.
5. Thankful for a hubs who has been cooking me eggs just about every morning even though they make him want to barf.
6. Thankful he locks the house up every night. I take that for granted.
7. Thankful for this Advent season and for God's gracious hand on my life and my family's life.
8. I'm thankful for the scandalous manger and that God's ways clearly are not my own.

Hebrews 10:
"For, "In just a little while, he who is coming will come and will not delay.""
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:37‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Amen! Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Sunday, December 13, 2015

Fire In The Belly

I am so incredibly proud of one of my kiddos tonight. She had a headache and stomach pain and anxiety was so high today. Yet she bravely went to a two hour choir practice and choir performance. Poor sweet girl had a raging migraine through most of it and came home and crashed immediately. She was so brave and courageous. Parenting littles is much easier than raising bigs. I can only imagine what the teen years will bring.

No church this morning and I missed it. Our crew is so tapped out and staying home to rest was a lovely choice. I'm thankful that all of us have that choice now. I saw a friend tonight and heard the weary of having to do Christmas solo. I'm so thankful that won't be our story this year!

I was walking home after taking a kiddo to choir and was thankful for the time to walk, think and pray. As I walked I prayed that I would be available to whatever God would put in my path. Well, God put some neighbors in my path but instead of me being available for them, they have chosen to bless us. I left feeling encouraged. I can't even fully explain it but this afternoon felt like a big I love you from God.

Overall so thankful for rest today. For encouragement and reasons to celebrate. Thankful for a sweet choir concert and again wanting to tear up while seeing one kid in particular sing. Thankful.

Think I might be getting a bit of the stomach woes. After to try to catch up in Hebrews and crash.


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Saturday, December 12, 2015


I'm over living life in the weeds. I'm ready to not be such a weeded stress ball. Today just the thought of getting my kids set up to make sandwiches seemed like too much to handle. Who the heck have I become? In my head I can hear the voices of what I think others are saying. You have seven kids and you homeschool of course you're stressed out and exhausted and blah blah blah. Here's the thing I'm a white hot disorganized mess and I have moments of being a weeded stress ball that's overwhelmed but that's not where I generally park it and live.

Today I begged God for some relief somehow or someway. Really what it boils down to probably is that I want a warm heaping pile of comfort served a la mode. Not sure it's exactly that but I do know I crave comfort and wouldn't put it past myself. I think maybe I've been spiritually shredded, emotionally shredded and now it's just time to pay the physical Piper. I need to just be okay with that. I feel like I'm a car about to run out of gas. From everything I've been reading it's probably because my adrenals were already taxed from childhood and a big ole shot gun has taken them down. I literally have no more gas in the tank. Throw in joint & muscle pain that makes me want to curl up into a ball. Combine that with brain fog as thick as molasses and it's a kerfuffle.

As I've been writing this I know the f'ing jackhole responsible. I've just not really realized the attack on pretty much all aspects of my well being. I just prayed that the Lord would spare our kiddos. The reality is they have not been spared anyway. God is still good and I know He is and will continue to sustain us all. In the meantime, Paul found the secret to being content in all circumstances. I too can learn to find contentment, beautiful surrender, gratitude and joy through Christ who strengthens me. This time here on earth is but a vapor. Lord fix my eyes upon you and you alone. The things of this earth are temporal give me eyes to see the eternal.

Hebrews 4:
Of course this chapter tonight is on rest. He hears our cries, He hears my cries. I'm partly hacked because I know what's coming. I know lots of rest is in my near future. I know there will be even more stripping away of the calendar. I'm going to hate it at first. I pray I learn to accept it as the gracious gift that it truly is. He has gifted us with rest. I've chosen time after time to not partake of the gift that He's given. Looks like I will be entering a season of the Lord lovingly making me lie down by green pastures. He is good. He is oh so good.

"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Come quickly Lord Jesus.


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Friday, December 11, 2015


I'm already excited about the coffee I'm going to drink tomorrow. I think I might have a problem.

The weather has been crazy amazing! If I lived up north this is the weather I would expect in September. The leaves are beautiful and it's fantastic to be outside. Doesn't bring about the holiday cheer in me but can't really complain. Thought El Niño or La Niña whichever it is this year was going to bring a cold winter. No mucho.

I've never wanted to get away for Christmas as much as I do this year. I'd love to be holed up in a cabin with snow somewhere. Got to get out of the dang city and get some land.

Hebrews 3:
Loved these verses today:
"Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest."
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called "Today," so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭3:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Easy to be deceived by our own hearts deceitfulness. That's why it's important to fix our thoughts on Jesus which is so hard in this shiny distracting world. Hardship makes fixing our thoughts on Him much clearer. Jesus I'm so ready to enter your rest here on earth and forever with you in heaven.


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Thursday, December 10, 2015

Steam Roller

Poor Mudgey was in pain with something yesterday and started crying yesterday afternoon and carried on till this morning. He's still been off today and still struggling with a cold and probable ear infection. His guts were rumbling like crazy last night so possibly caught a slight stomach bug too. I am thankful the screaming has subsided for tonight and the possibility of getting more than a few hours of sleep might be a reality. Needless to say I feel like I've been at a weeklong frat party that ended with a good squashing by a steam roller. I did get all my paperwork filled out for the dr and will either drop it off or mail it tomorrow.

Santa's Village tonight. I do love the small town feel of it all. So fun to run into so many people we know. Thankful my bigs still eagerly anticipate going. Thankful it wasn't crazy cold either.

Hebrews 2:
"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭2:18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Thankful for this truth. Thankful Jesus became lower than the Angels temporarily so that He might rescue us and call us brothers and sisters.


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So stubborn ole Meemaw is calling uncle and going to a dr. Been researching symptoms and talking to friends and I think I've hit the autoimmune jackpot and my systems are completely out of whack. If I was a betting woman I'd say Hashimoto's and adrenal fatigue. In some ways I feel super relieved. I'm just not functioning and I haven't been able to figure out why I can't deal with life like a normal human being.
Making changes that I know would be helpful seem like an insurmountable task. I haven't been able to figure out why I can't pull myself out of the dang ditch and why the simplest things seem overwhelming.

Poor Mudgey has been struggling this evening. Hoping the last of the crying jags are over but not holding my breath.

Hebrews 1:
The Lord is above the Angels and through him all things were made. Hopefully going to sleep :) with this lovely though:

"Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?"
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭1:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Tickled Pink

Tickled pink for a friend who gave birth to a precious baby girl after four boys. It would have been a joy to add another boy into the fold but it's also a joy to know that she will know the beauty of having a girl. I'm so happy for my friends and their new blessing.

Tonight I'm thankful for the beautiful mess of parenthood filled with hard lessons and long days of wonderful sanctification. I'm thankful for rehashing the gospel with bigs and explaining sanctification and dying to self. I'm thankful for kissing sweet baby checks and watching the wonder of these little ones growing up to be bigger ones. I'm thankful for dimples filled with woo and whole hearted belly laughs. I'm thankful for princess twirls and boy shenanigans and new gray hairs grown through the process of it all. I will miss these beautiful wonderful exhausting years of raising these amazing little people. In a blink they will be grown and raising small tribes of their own. Thank you Lord for the blessing of Motherhood and for each of our little arrows. God give us an eternal perspective on our day to date even when it's so easy to get wrapped up in the here and now. Give us ears to listen and eyes that see.

On a temporal note, it's fun to see the magic of Q4 happening. I'm thankful for the ways it has encouraged my hubs. He's been hitting the pavement a lot but I'm thankful for the ways he has really tried to maintain balance at home. Next Q4 he may go into beast mode but I'm thankful for the ways he's shown restraint as I feel we are all still in recovery mode. I have four kiddos who have experienced great loss too and whose hearts are bruised and in need of mending too. I know with sweet precious time and through God's grace He will make all things beautiful.

Titus & Philemon:
Really tired and read while listening to Titus and then later read Philemon. I do love Paul's Jedi ways in Philemon.

5 of my 7 children are still up. Even my sleepers are up. They must not turn into never sleeps like the others.

One other, I love how Timothy is like a son to Paul. God called Paul into the life of celibacy and although he was never able to enjoy having his own biological children the Lied blessed him with spiritual children. God is so incredibly sweet to us. He does not miss a single one of our needs or desires. God give me courage to view this life for what it truly is, a vapor. Help me to make the most of every opportunity that you present. Lord may I not confuse this with busyness. Help us to clear out the spiritual clutter and ruthlessly cut out busyness. I love you Lord.

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Fabulous Four

Not her finest photo moment but this one cracks me up. I love this silly, sweet and sassy little girl. It is so fun to have princess costumes and clippedy cloppedy princess shoes around here again. We are so blessed. Thankful to get to spend the day with this princess.

So today I went out looking for Beatbos. Bit saw one in the office today and cried and wailed over it. She was quite the hot mess today. Poor little snot goblin. Anyway, while I was asking peeps for the coveted Beatbo's and Shopkins I got a chance to hear some of the guy who was helping me story. All I did was ask if he lived up to what his name meant. Since Gideon has been a name on our Brownie list I knew it meant Destroyer. That dude has seen so much pain in his life yet he is passionate for the Lord. He blessed me with more than just Shopkins today. I'm thankful for God's people and for the Church with a capital C.

Reading up on ISIS in the US and really realizing things are going to get pretty darn crazy around here and probably fairly soon. I hate the world my children will have to grow up in but we need more people like Gideon who are passionate about Jesus despite the pain and despite the cost. I was thinking the other day about how the names of my kiddos are pretty popular these days. I do wonder if there is a reason for that.

I was also thinking the other day in my prayer closet that I need to get back on the scripture memory. The thought didn't come as a shaming self loathing I should do better place. It was more of a reality check than anything. We all need His Word written on our hearts because it's one place they can't take away from us. Either these times will bring everybody to their knees in repentance or it is a rapidly sinking ship. I will be sending these kids into a raging battle field. We all need to arm up for battle. In fact, once again I'm reminded that academics will not matter a single bit if their hearts are not devoted to God. That absolutely has to be number one. If there is crap in our schedules that keep us from training these kiddos up then it needs to be ruthlessly cut from our schedule. This time here on earth is fleeting I need to be preparing them for an eternity well lived.

Several things gnawing on my heart right now. These are the times I wish physically I could collapse into my Father's arms and bawl my eyes out. The truth is I'm too guarded to ever let down 100%. I hate that but at least it's honest.

Suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. Haven't read yet. Not good.

2 Tim 2-4:
There is a treasure trove here but this was my first verse tonight.
"You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus."
‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Oh how great is your love! Come quickly Lord Jesus!!


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Monday, December 07, 2015

Sucker Punch

Hard day. Emotional sucker punches around every corner and I had a permaheadache.

Tired. Reading and hopefully passing out. Lilly is not looking like she's going to play ball though.


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Saturday, December 05, 2015

Hubaba Konda

Thanks to my hubs I have a silly song stuck in my head. It's like the annoying Double Mint Gum song on that feelings movie. Yep, can't remember the name.

Good day. Family time in the AM at the local parade and neighborhood kids here and there. Felt like an all American Saturday.

1 Timothy 4-6:
Read earlier but now it's gone :)

"But godliness with contentment is great gain."
‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭6:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This is Paul's secret and what Voskamp has also discovered.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭6:12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Lord help us fight the good fight!


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Friday, December 04, 2015


The night has not been my friend. My evil friend insomnia has come to play. No good. I think it might be lack of magnesium. That may seem silly but I've got what feels like the Jimmy Legs but my entire body feels that way. Overall I'm just a bucket full of aches. I need to be better at self care. Maintenance isn't my strong suit at all. In my self diagnosis I do wonder if maybe it's anxiety or even excitement keeping me up. I know we have stressors in our life right now but I equate anxiety with worry and I don't feel worried about anything. I think I'm wrong about what anxiety is though. Regardless of where this insomnia is coming from heck I'm even willing to throw in the d word at this point. I'm not too proud to use the word depression anymore. I don't think I'm particularly depressed either. I think my hormones are jacked, my adrenal glands are shot, I'm a fungus bucket, my guts are leaking and I'm tired with seven kids. Have I mentioned my bunions yet? I'm a hot mess physically, emotionally and probably spiritually too. The one thing I am nailing is that I know I am desperate for Jesus. I need Him. He's my hope, my everything. He's what gets me through the days. I am so weary but I am so excited about Christmas because we get to celebrate the birth of our Savior, my Savior. He has crushed the head of the serpent!! I'm excited about this!!! And maybe I'm excited about laser stars too and my husband getting every last one of them. And squirrel because my ADD is so fierce these days that I can't possibly make my brain focus. Is that something shiny over there? Longest paragraph ever.

1 Timothy 1-3:
"But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life."
‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭1:16‬ ‭NIV‬

My dog just made the craziest noise. He's so going to die on Christmas.

I am so thankful that it's God's desire to rescue us all and that His patience with us is immense. Dwelling on the law not being for the righteous but for the sinner.


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In The Miry Mess He Is There

Life feels harder than it should be right now. Really the only way I can describe it is that it feels like I'm tromping around in thick mud and I'm going around in circles. Yet it's in this miry mess that He meets me. I'm ever so thankful for that.

My heart is really connected with the coming of the Messiah this year. I think the mess and the brokenness and knowing full well that my only hope is that Baby in the Manger.

Long day but very much aware of how short they actually are. School, crazy sumo wrestling on the trampoline, painting ornaments and general chaos.

Holy smokes! I fell into a crazy crazy rabbit hole. Realized Bella's gift I ordered for her bday wasn't going to get here in time so looked for an alternative and then that lead to finally thinking about Christmas presents. Then it was 2am. Eek! I really do think I have vampire bat in my genes somewhere.

2 Thess 1-3:
Shutting eyes. Wish I was more tired.


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Thursday, December 03, 2015

Ishtar, Vespers, Gretchen and Mudge

First off this dude is four months today! I simply can't believe it. It's funny how time plays tricks on you. I can't imagine Mudge not being in our family and it feels in some ways like he's always been apart of our family and at the same time I can't believe he's been outside the womb for four months already. I love and adore this little guy so incredibly much. I don't know the Lord's future plan for our family but it's easy to have my hands wide open when His blessings are so abundantly rich. How could we not have any of our kids in our family? So thankful for each of them!

Started the Advent book Ishtar's Odyssey tonight and it's incredible. My oldest asked while reading the first chapter what this story had to do with Christmas and then the story continued to unfold and excitement began to mount. They were reeled in hook, line and sinker. It's so stinking good!

We went to our first Advent service tonight called Vespers. Such a short, sweet and quaint service. So beautiful to be tapped on the shoulder by my hubs and see my four oldest singing their little hearts out. I've been so grateful to have them in service with us. My heart has longed to do church together and I'm so thankful we've found a spot to worship together as a family.

Today I discovered why I've felt so overwhelmed. Gretchen has decided to fall off the roof. My hormones have continued to be pretty jacked up. Fun times in my body house right now. Can't wait to get my heavenly modal.

Strange mix of emotions being so overcome with joy for one friend and so burdened for another precious friend. In both I know the Lord has gone before them and has provided for each of them. I know the Lord will continue to provide for us as well. I'm ready for the sadness my heart contains to be replaced by Joy. God is ever so sweet in the sorrow and yet my heart longs for this season of grieving to be over.

1 Thessalonians 1-5:
Got distracted by the man in the high castle and awful preachers on YouTube. I'm so saddened and distraught over how Jesus's name is used to deceive others and/or made to be a joke. God I pray for Damascus Moments for those jokers.

Love this:
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:16-18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God may this be so in my life, my hubs and my children. I thank you for the hearts of my littles to desire so much to pray. May that always be the case. May our family be marked by how we pray continually and by the way we rejoice and give thanks. I feel we are so far from that target Lord yet I know you are faithful to complete the good work you have started in us.

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Wednesday, December 02, 2015

It's Like Treading Water With A Sack of Potatoes

I don't know what my deal is but I feel like I'm treading water while holding onto a twenty pound sack of potatoes these days. I hate that we are still just surviving rather than thriving. But hey we're still surviving so that should count for something.

I am so thankful for a sweet night as we kicked off the Jesse Tree. I know these nights can easily be derailed quickly but I'm so thankful tonight was so sweet together. It was a gift and one I most certainly do not take for granted.

We have gotten some good school days in. Language arts as usual is the one thing that gets dropped. I'm okay with that at this point. I have started reading lessons with my Kinder this year but really see the wisdom in just stopping and shooting for when he is seven. It is so much easier teaching a seven year old to read than a kid in kindergarten. I could find some other way to torture myself just for fun because trying to teach a five/six year old to read is a lot like torture for everyone involved. Teaching my seven year old to read has been a really fun experience and I never thought teaching a child to read would be considered fun after teaching my first two. Charlotte Mason was on to something after all.

I finally finished the last of the clothing swap of winter 2015. Thankful for the Lord's provision for our family. My oldest boy is the only one that could probably use a few things. I indeed heart hand me downs.

Dinner with a family we first met in No Po. Their faith always challenges me. How the Lord continually provides for them amazes me. Our biggest girls have always had fun together and it was sweet tonight to see our youngest girls tearing it up tonight as well. Reminded again that God meets us exactly where we are, that He cares about our struggles no matter how big or how small and that He can and will provide. We can't screw this thing up. Well, we can but He does t wipe His hands clean of us and He walks with us no matter where we might be. Thankful for a God who loves and cares for us so deeply and who knows us fully.

In the dark holding a precious baby in our torn apart living room. I'm not sure if the chaos will ever be tamed ever again but my heart is so full right now. So very blessed.

Heart is heavy for several friends. Life is not easy. Thankful Jesus meets us exactly where we are.

Galatians 2-4:
Love this book of the bible. So so much to process!!! Because I can't simply dive in I'm going to dwell on praying, false humility and man made rules. These verses are fascinating to me.

"My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭2:2-3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Okay and to end this in full transparency I know part of my drowning feeling is being piled up on one another. I do not want to complain about our living situation. I really do love our house and especially our neighborhood. We don't NEED a bigger house but there sure is a lot of bodies and a lot of stuff in a smaller area. I do think some extra space would add some sanity to our lives. HATE admitting this. It very well might be false humility for not wanting to. I think rather I just hate admitting that we are out growing this space AND it feels ungrateful when even larger families live in houses smaller. I am thankful for the housing the Lord has blessed us with over the years. He is generous! In the meantime while we live in this house that I do indeed love we must purge like crazy. It would make much sense for 2016 to be our year as minimalists.


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Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Y'all Gone Make Me Loose My Mind Up In Here Up In Here

The lack of sleep plus house chaos is driving me crazy and I feel like I'm going to loose my mind. My kids and I have yet to recover from falling back and we've turned into non sleeping vampires. Needless to say tonight I feel grumpy, frazzled and overwhelmed. Hurray for Advent! Actually realizing I'm an utter mess is the perfect thing in preparing for the birth of Christ. Thank you God for the perfect gift of Jesus!

Colossians 1:
"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,"
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭1:9-10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Let it be so Lord Jesus! I am an utter mess but I am so thankful that you love this mess and died on the cross for her. I have nothing to offer except all of me. I love you because you first loved me. 


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