Monday, February 29, 2016

5 To The A.M.

I'm so ready to fall out. With no second alarm to go off I was afraid I would sleep through co-op that combined with Jimmy and his legs sleep was brutal. Thankfully, Bit helped a sister out and woke up this grumpy ole beast up at 5am. If I was the uber productive type I would have gotten up and done something useful. Since that is the opposite of me I stayed in bed and hoped to sleep more. I did drift off again fifteen minutes before my alarm went off which I hit three times. I heart the snooze button, my hubs on the other hand probably does not.

Speaking of 5 am a gal who goes to my coop wakes up at 5am everyday and prays for one hour. I honestly can't remember the last time I've prayed for a solid hour. My prayer life has stunk for a very long time. It hasn't always. I simply don't know how to break past the prayer apathy. The gal who prays everyday is not apathetic about prayer at all. She's on fire about it. I once was too. These days I pray as God brings people to mind and at times I beg Him to help me endure my wretched sinful self but I do miss the days of prolonged passionate prayer. This is probably just another thing I need to argue it out with God about. Maybe all the chattering I do to God is prayer? It certainly doesn't seem reverent enough nor intentional. Maybe I just need to shut up and listen more often.

A sweet friend shared about her pastor today and it's really moved me. Honestly I'm really wrestling with it. Maybe in some small way I feel validated that a pastor can be just that, a pastor. I've never had a pastor be a pastor to me. I just started to think that it didn't exist, that my desire was born out of my own daddy baggage.

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Chatted with my hubs and my jaw is hanging on the floor a bit. All I know is that there are lots of people who would love to be in his shoes right now. Definitely having one of those "are you kidding me God!?!?" moments.

2 Peter 1:
This chapter is making my brain go wonky. I can hardly get passed the first couple verses. Dwelling on this precious faith tonight and praying to continue to grow in knowledge of my Lord Jesus Christ.

"This letter is from Simon Peter, a slave and apostle of Jesus Christ. I am writing to you who share the same precious faith we have. This faith was given to you because of the justice and fairness of Jesus Christ, our God and Savior. May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord."
‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭1:1-2‬ ‭NLT‬‬




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Sunday, February 28, 2016

DAY TWO

All is quiet in BrownTown. Thank goodness. Things started off with a bang last night when sweet Bit fell out of bed. It was hard to get her to settle down after that. Don't blame her. Can't imagine waking up after smashing onto the floor. Toshva woke up crazy dizzy. I had him drink water and eat a salty snack like his neuro had recommended. That was quite possibly a bad idea. Poor kid was like an endless waterfall. He napped twice today and still feeling a little dizzy. Have a few tools in my tool belt for tomorrow thanks to friends if he hasn't kicked the migraine yet. Hate that he's already got migraines kicking his bum. Poor kid.

Didn't do a great job leaning into the Lord today. Today at my sink altar I was at least honest about the fact that I didn't want to constantly have to lean in. I wanna be able to be awesome on my own. Cute how I want to be awesome for Jesus just not awesome with Jesus. Thankful that the Lord is so very kind and patient with His self reliant stubborn daughter.

1 P 5:
After reading tonight I think I've been hit with another lovely bout of apathy. I hate apathy as it is so against my natural state. I'm apathetic about our country, the church and about my own spiritual state of affairs. I wish I could snap out of it. I'm in a state of realizing just how little I know and in a constant state of confusion about all of it. In someways I feel like a shell of a person that I once was. I can't figure out exactly why other than feeling shameful about not having more spiritual fortitude or being able to pull myself up by those ole bootstraps. There is some beauty in just being the shell though. In fact, I'm quite fine with the shell I'm just not okay with the apathy. So tonight I'll cast my apathy unto the Lord for He cares for me lest I be dragged away and devoured in my current state of affairs.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

D


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Saturday, February 27, 2016

Day One

Thankful for sweet friends and a God who redeems the years the locusts have eaten. Thankful for junkyard dogs who bark even when half dead. Thankful for sweet neighbors who are friends. Thankful for a husband who is loved and cherished by me and the kids. Thankful to be in my bed. Pollen and no caffeine have collided to make quite the lovely headache. Overall overwhelmed by God's goodness in the midst of our brokenness and chaos. He is indeed a God who sees. 

1 P 4:
So far in this book I've come to the conclusion that I stink at this Christian life. I'm just like the pagans and can sorta be "good" like them. It's the deeper heart issues that I pretty much stink at. This journey through 1 Peter has been one big fat conviction fest. Really there's no getting back up on the horse to be a better cowgirl. I simply can't do what Peter is calling people to do. I suck, but thanks to Jesus for His love, mercy and grace. I can't be good enough but Jesus is faithful to change this gross sinful heart and little by little continue to grow it to be more like Him.

"So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you."
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He will never fail you!

D


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Friday, February 26, 2016

That Ain't Cool

So I had a witty poem I was almost finished with that included pictures. My phone was taking forever but I was trying to be patient. I just had a few more words to go and then all I needed to do was hit send. It's gone. Thank you pokey jo phone.

The magic is gone but today was great celebrating my now ten year old girl. Not crazy weepy but definitely a sappy mess today. God has blessed us so incredibly richly. As amazing as it was to hold Abbie for the first time, it's even more amazing to be able to celebrate ten years getting to know her! She is quite the amazing girl. Thankful beyond words.

Parenting moment today that Les lead so well in. I was going to encourage her to continue with the plan to get her ears pierced but would have let her back out. Les wisely told her fear was not a good reason to back out. She was courageous and now looks like she's 21 with earrings. My hubs was so right. We should have waited till she 18.

Tired and wanting to wrap things up with a most wonderful man. Thankful for this family God put together.

D


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Guts!

1. My bigs last day in the single digits. Crazy!

2. My guts hurt. 

3. Up way too late. I guess ten years ago I was up this late excited to meet our little boy. Whoops! Got that wrong! So thankful for our precious girl!

4. Another full day of school down in the books. It's blood, sweat, and tears but these stinkpots are learning. 

1 P 1:
This chapter is again overwhelming to me especially at 2am. Soaking this up tonight.

"Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment, now that you have had a taste of the Lord's kindness."
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭2:2-3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The Lord is kind and gracious indeed!

D


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Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Standing Ovation! You Can Count!

So going to Costco in the evening, regardless of whether or not I have anything to offer my people for dinner, is a horrible idea. I love and hate me some Costco. Tonight it took lots of self control to not be a jackhole. I almost unleashed my pagan sarcasm on a lady who told me she counted seven. People are so proud of themselves that they can count to seven especially at the Costco. Congratulations smart people at Costco you deserve a standing ovation for being able to count seven squirming kids!! It must have been extra hard since the objects you were counting were moving! High five! But seriously, why am I surprised when even churches aren't game for letting the little children come. They might screw something up with their acting like children and all. 

Good day. Thankful for sweet neighbors and win win wins. Really grumpy. Obviously I need some Jesus and some chocolate. 

1 Peter 2:
This is a pretty amazing chapter. Starts off with a convicting boom!

"So get rid of all evil behavior. Be done with all deceit, hypocrisy, jealousy, and all unkind speech."
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭2:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Pretty sure I love every single verse in this chapter. Going to camp here for awhile. For tonight, going to cry out for this nourishment. I desperately need it.

"Like newborn babies, you must crave pure spiritual milk so that you will grow into a full experience of salvation. Cry out for this nourishment,"
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭2:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

D




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T Minus 3 Days

The biggest turns ten on Friday. I can hardly handle it. Oh what a beautiful girl I've been blessed with. I'm so thankful for her. Wish the time didn't race by so very quickly.

Fun night with two other Momma's and three babies and a precious midwife. What a blessing all of them are! I think I ate one of the best meals ever too which was a bonus. Thankful for friends with it enough to organize. Thankful for God's Sovereignty over the gift of life. I wish it was cherished and valued the way that it should be.

1 Peter 1:
I am always struck by how strong a greeting the letters in the NT have. I know I'm missing most of this tonight. It's late and my brain is not computing.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,"
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Amen!

D



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Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Magic Formula

Oh to have the magic formula to raise up passionate Christ followers. For whatever reason writing that feels a little distasteful to me tonight. The magic formula seems sterile and the opposite of passionate. Really in my desire to have a magic formula is a desire to raise sterile robot children who do what I want them to do. I love that each one of my little stinkpots dance to the beat of their own little drum. They may share some similarities, awesomeness being one of them, but they are so very different. I praise God for the diversity of personality that is represented under one roof. I don't really want a magic formula. Well maybe kinda. What I want is for each of them to walk out their own story with the Lord. I pray their stories will not be filled with pain caused by their own foolishness or frankly by my own. May the Lord captivate their little hearts so that they will be filled. I still can't believe the Lord has blessed and entrusted us with seven little people to teach and to train up.
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Tonight was a bit of squirrel city and very hard to stay focused. Then impromptu in home date night. So thankful that God's ways and plans are not my own. God is so good all the time.

Galatians 6:
Since I'm really mailing this in tonight there's not enough time to bask in the richness of this chapter. Tonight before I pass out dwelling on what it means to restore someone gently and how that fits with bearing one another's burdens.

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:1-2‬ ‭

D

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Sunday, February 21, 2016

Blame It On The Gluten

Feeling like a cow pie today. Started off fine soaking in as many cuddles as I possibly could. My girl about to turn ten has me wanting to soak up every moment with these kiddos. It was beautiful until the I don't think my stomach is quite right switched over to flat on your back stage. I'd start moaning and rolling around if I knew I wouldn't wake up the baby. Speaking of babies I feel seven months pregnant today which makes me wonder if I ate gluten yesterday. Could be the stomach funk or maybe the cause of it. My curiosity is peaked and the scientist in me wants to run an experiment, after I'm done rolling around and moaning of course.
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Saved by charcoal earlier but not feeling great tonight. My guts are definitely angry. Completely unprepared for tomorrow but still going to pass out and hope for the best.

Galatians 5:
Beautiful chapter. Really chewing on this verse:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

What rules and regulations of "Christianity" do I try to follow that keeps me in bondage?

Help me to love others Lord. I can be such a selfish turd.

D


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Saturday, February 20, 2016

I Can't Build No Stinking Table!

And so today we played! Started the day off torturing two children with shots. Thankful for free medical care. My four year old has turned out to be a lot like her sister and her mother. Had to be held down by two parents. The girl is strong. As a celebration of her courage or rather forced courage we celebrated with donuts. Loved how her sibs showed her compassion and were genuinely sad about the ordeal she went through. I love this family God has blessed me with.

Went home and sent my kiddos down to grab some neighborhood kiddos so their Momma could rest. I can't imagine how hard single parenthood must be. Fun to have a zoo at our house. A friend stopped by in the middle of the circus and I got to meet her hubs which was super fun. Love to see a powerhouse in action. God is good.

Got out of the "big" city to hang with friends. Makes me itch to go camping and of course to own some land. Where to own that land? I do love me some Texas.

Tonight thankful my hubs got to live out the Texas stereotype and shoot with a bunch of dudes. Loved how my boys eyes bugged out today as the saw a rifle up close and personal. I would love for them to grow up hunting with their dad. Honestly I can't believe I just wrote that. Pre marriage that would have made me barf. What can I say? I think this girl is much more country than city.

Overall thankful for a beautiful day to enjoy outdoors with the blessing of numerous children and friendships. God has blessed us richly.

Galatians 4:
Obviously it's been awhile since I've readGalatians. Actually, I must have just read it not so long ago. I feel as if I'm reading it for the first time. Love how scripture can seem that way. New discoveries in a book that has been read time and time again. Treasure.

Tonight basking in the fact that I am adopted into God's family and am a child of the free woman. I pray I am not a stumbling block for my children. Lord captivate their hearts.

D

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Friday, February 19, 2016

Running Around In Circles

My Brownies caught spring fever today and wanted to play before work. I get it. It feels like spring and spring was made for children young and old to be outdoors. I get it. But sometimes you just need to hustle and get things done as fast as you possibly can so you can play. So my children chased squirrels all day while I played whack-a-mole and the baby fought sleep as if his life depended on it. Let's not forget that while the other children cleaned off and on the two little girls pretended to be a hurricane and around and around we go. It's a nuthouse! But it's my nuthouse and even though there are days I'd love to hide in somebody's luggage headed to Hawaii most days I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Today I'm so thankful to have an appointment on the calendar to get one tested. As he has more words to express how he's doing I have a bigger window into his heart and realize if something doesn't give soon we are going to start loosing this child. The lies will be too hard to shut out. My heart aches for this child as I have finally put all the pieces together to understand. The new smug look and slouched shoulders is from a kid not trying to be too cool but from a kid whose confidence is beginning to wane. He's impulsive and he now knows it. He can't get letters and numbers to come out of his head. He says he feels like he can't get his brain to work and he's incredibly discouraged. Instead of trying to tell him how great I think he is I just held him and told him how sorry I was. Sorry that it is harder for him than others. This Momma's heart aches for her child yet I know even now the Lord has been providing for him. I grieve over the years the locusts have eaten in his life yet I know the Lord is already beginning to redeem the years I simply didn't get it. I know He's redeeming things in my other children as well. Although I do not understand His ways all the time God is good all the time. Even in seasons when I doubt I can always come back to God's goodness.

Thankful for friends to laugh with tonight. Thankful for sweet friends willing to not only watch my crazy zoo but to love on them as well. We are richly blessed.

Galatians 3:
"So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭3:26-27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Not sure if I'll ever fully grasp being clothed with Christ this side of heaven.

D


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Thursday, February 18, 2016

Dancing In The Minefields

Woke up this morning with a raging headache. I figured it was an adrenaline hangover but after I had been up and moving around I could tell I was still pretty amped up and my threshold was already at a 7 or 8 for the day. It was weird. I did come to the conclusion that what I'm in desperate need of is some extended quiet before the Lord.

Took my kids to gymnastics and the adrenaline came crashing down. I could have fallen asleep on the comfy couch in the lobby. I've wanted to pass out ever since. I guess what goes up must come down. Crazy to me that it took so long to come crashing down. Overall my take away from today is that I need to step up my self care game. My family suffers from my lack of it. I saw that crystal clear today.

The smalls were in cahoots this afternoon. Mudge needed to go to bed and while I'd try to put him to bed the Bit raised havoc. I love that wild girl but her constant search for stimulus wears this Momma out. So thankful to be wore out by that girl. Snuggling with my Mudgey now who finally crashed after a squeaky afternoon.

Ga 2:
"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!""
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭2:21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Choosing to take hold of this verse tonight. I'll be honest part of me would much rather wallow in shame instead. Choosing grace instead.

Now that I'm laying here I think the continued "adrenaline" is from my "condition". Right now my entire body feels like it's buzzing even in the back of my throat. I'm getting more excited about the dr cracking the code on this crazy body stuff. It's become quite the interesting mystery.

D

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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Let's Call It What It Really Is

It's going to be really hard for me to concentrate as my adrenaline is pumping pretty steadily. I can't get my thoughts down so will end with this:

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I love me some Paul. So incredibly thankful for grace.

D



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Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Life Is So Beautiful. Life Is So Hard.

Today the world seemed like a beautiful mix of beauty and hardship. If I was going to grade my day based upon productivity I'd have to give myself an F. That is how the world may grade it but I know that Jesus takes what the world says and flips it upside down on its head. Just now I've realized God answered a prayer. I prayed to be encouraged by stories of His goodness to marvel over with friends. Got to chat with my neighbor today and rejoice over God's perfect timing. Had touch points with a few others and marvel in God's amazing grace and Sovereignty. Another small dose of vitamin D didn't hurt either. 

House is a mess. Laundry clean and dirty exploding everywhere. School never got anywhere today but we did get some bible in and really that's the most important thing anyway. I got to witness my sweet oldest put together a little package to encourage a neighbor that we love. If our meager days of schooling in a messy house helps to plant seeds of love and compassion for others than I will consider it a job well done. Ultimately all I can do is be diligent to train and teach, it is the Lord that takes a seed and grows it into something beautiful. 

Rubbed up against this verse today and it was beautiful.
"and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.""
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭22:18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Oh how I so desperately want to walk in full obedience and yet know I am a wretched sinner and can do nothing good apart from God. So thankful for this season of lent to reflect upon the great sacrifice of our Lord on our behalf. 

RO 16:
This letter has a list of some pretty awesome women. I'm really torn on this. I'd love to be known as faithful and be commended someday as such. I know part of that is out of a sincere desire to truly be a faithful servant of the Lord but I also know some of that desire comes from my wretched sinful self. Lord you know my deceitful heart. I approach praise of man with fear and trembling. I know the part of me that desires to place myself on a throne craves praise and yet the part of me that has been created through you desires to avoid even the temptation of praise. Create a humble and clean heart in me oh God. 

D



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Squirrel

Seriously suffering from some squirrel action tonight. I'm pretty sure it's due to my "condition". Have I mentioned how awesome I think it is to have a scapegoat to blame things on? No officer I didn't realize how fast I was speeding because of my "condition". My "condition" would probably be much better if I actually went to bed at a decent hour. Where's the fun in that?

Speaking of fun, fun times tonight with friends. Thankful for a sweet family who is fun, who speak my ADD language and who are not afraid to host a circus for dinner. 

Going to bed with a full tank but also still very much aware of being emotionally weary. I think that might have a lot to do with physical exhaustion. Having slowed down tonight I can feel the amount of flare up. I really do need to crack down more on food stuff. Eh! Hate how much of an idol ease and comfort is for me. 

Ro 15:
I read a chapter in my Lloyd Jones book on meekness. Really great stuff which actually ties into Romans tonight. It's so hard to be meek. 

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Can you image how beautiful the Church will be when we with one mind and one voice glorify Christ? What if the Church did that now? Imagine the amount of hearts that would be won over. 

Fading
D




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Sunday, February 14, 2016

Heavy

Today seems incredibly heavy with so many friends with grieving hearts. Today at church I was thankful to be there and blessed by the service but felt on the brink of tears. I do think my hormones are totally whack right now but as the dust continues to settle a new kind of sorrow has set in. So today felt incredibly heavy with sorrow felt by dear friends and myself.

Romans 14:
Do not judge. I do wish all of the Pharisee that resides in me would take a hike. Thankfully there is less remaining than there used to be.

D

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Saturday, February 13, 2016

Lord Please Forgive My Ungratefulness

Lord please forgive my ungratefulness was a line that ended a sweet friend's journal today. Interestingly enough I felt the weight and sting of the sin of my ungrateful heart today. Gratitude brings joy and is so life giving. I have so very much to give thanks for. Maybe for the rest of lent part of my offering can be one of thanksgiving.

1. I'm thankful for my hubs who serves me continually and brings so much fun and laughter to my life. He is such an immense blessing to me.

2. I'm thankful for the beauty and at times challenge of having some bigs, middles and littles. What a joy to have an almost ten year old and still have the sweetness of rocking a baby. I am indeed a richly blessed woman.

3. Thankful for the blessing of grocery stores. I take that for granted. Target is not a privilege nor a reality for many. Yet often I complain about having to go to the store. Many only dream of such wonderful things.

4. Thankful for running water which washes our clothes, our bodies and our dishes. I get water from our fridge without even thinking about it. I know the water is clean and will not make my family or me sick. Such a beautiful blessing I most definitely take for granted.

5. I'm thankful for reliable transportation. We've had our share of car repairs but I don't fear whether or not I'll be able to get from point A to point B. I don't have to figure out bus schedules or routes in order to haul my family around. I take that for granted.

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Friday, February 12, 2016

Get Me Out Of Here!

In home date night. Watched an okay movie but where it was shot was beautiful. We need to pack up our bags and get to some mountains ASAP. Or we at least need to pack up our tent and get out of town.

Good day. Dumped a pile of should haves on my oldest today. I should have taken a vow of silence for lent. Stupid mouth!

Lots of aches and pains the past several days. I still can't figure out any real rhyme or reason to the flare ups. I'm confident a giagantor chocolate bar would make it all better.

Ro 12:
Was wrestling with God in my prayer closet about His Sovereignty this morning. I started thinking about Job and my mind wandered to this passage:

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:2‬ ‭

Funny to have it pop up again tonight. Pondering the laws of the Old Testament I wonder what those laws would look like today. Israel was to be set apart from all the other people living around them. Some of the laws were commanded to make sure they did not follow the laws and customs of those around. I think today in America most Christians partake in just about everything that our culture has to offer. What are the things that I need a renewing of the mind in? What are the patterns of this world that I am conforming to?

Chomping on this for today.

D

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Please Don't Die!

1. Strange prayer but been praying the junk yard dog that lives in our house either dies before Les goes out of town or after. Preferably after. 

2. Thankful for time outside at a park. This "winter" has been pretty unreal.

3. Couple days ago oldest said in her sideways probing ways "I'm so glad you've never been drunk." Lead to already having co versa toons about my stint eating pig slop amongst the pigs. Think she really took to heart what I was saying. I hope one day all of them will. I hope they will also understand that grace abounds even in the height of our stupidity.

4. Today was the day I got some of my act together. Sometimes unicorns do poop out rainbows. 

5. Pondering the Sovereignty of God tonight. I feel as if it's been thrown out a lot this week. It's something I find great comfort in and yet something I can wrestle with the most. 

6. Really weary and saddened by the discord between my two oldest. I wish they would stop competing with each other and allow each other to shine.

7. Encouraged by a friend I've been sharing with to try to get insight Into another kiddo. She's fascinated as I am by what I've observed. I've always thought this kiddo was brilliant. I know he has some obstacles that hinder it now but I believe once we can figure out what's going on this kid is going to blow us out of the water. On her own she expressed her same thoughts. Encouraged by that. The work arounds this kid is coming up with truly blows my mind. Have a date set to begin formal testing. Feeling much peace and excitement over the process. Hoping we are catching things early enough and have begun repairing damage already done so that this kid can shine and be all that God created him to be. 

RO 11:
This chapter kind of makes my brain explode. I'm not even going to pretend I'm smart or wise enough to fully grasp this text. 

I really like this verse:
"do not consider yourself to be superior to those other branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭11:18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This verse right here is the one reason I can rejoice over the crazy the last couple years. It has taken me crazy to fully admit that I'm nothing but a prideful piece of hot steaming mess. I tried to prove to myself for so long that I wasn't one of those who were always so messy. I was fine admitting I was a little messy or rather fine at trying to keep myself together. There's no trying anymore. I'm too damn exhausted to try. It's messy, every single bit of it and I've never been more okay with it than I am now. There's no pretending or illusion or anything that causes me to believe that I support the root. I so desperately need the root to support this raggamuffin branch with its shriveled up fruit. 

I pray that God sweeps the leg if it will deliver the final crushing blows to my horrible pride. Yet, I pray the Lord will refrain from delivering the final blow if it will cause my heart to grow bitter against Him. I know either is very possible. 

D



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Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Scattered & Disjointed

Another scattered and disjointed day. I'm sure tomorrow will be the day it all comes together. Not holding my breath.

Lots of strong emotions today. Wading through my own junk and trying to be in it with a sweet friend. Have I mentioned how I can't wait till we are united in love as the big Church? The little church surely is a whore of a bride. Thankful for redemption in Christ Jesus and grieved for those who have been deeply wounded by the bride of Christ.

Ro 10:
These are some heavy verses to mull over:
"For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge. Since they did not know the righteousness of God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:2-3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

D


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Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Walking Around In Circles

Lots of walking around in circles today. Hoping to get some actual traction going today. Highlights: being silly with my kids and spending some solo time with the Bit.

Last night was one of those parenting moments nobody ever told you about: puke in your bed in the wee hours of the morning. Thankful for team brown. Never recovered from last night and my brain fog has been extra special today. Have a dr appt set, hopefully phone tag will end for getting a testing date for a kiddo and ticket taken care of. Walked around in circles but some things scratched off the list.

Found out today Mudgey doesn't have an ear infection. Slightly disappointed.

Ro 9:
I really struggle with this chapter. I'm thankful that God is okay with my wrestling and my questioning. I'm thankful He is so very patient with me and all His children.

D


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Monday, February 08, 2016

Flying Carpet Anyone?

Third week in a row with driving/car drama. Smashed my bumper this morning. Needless to say I'm terrified of getting into my car next Monday morning. I think I'll look into flying carpet rides for next Monday.

Heard more stories today while rocking babies. I love people's stories. They are beautiful, painful and full of God's great redeeming grace. We are such a messy bunch of children. I'm so thankful He has pulled us out of the swirling pit of death and destruction and called us His very own.

Much anxiety today. I wouldn't say anxiety is my natural bent. Oh to just take the magical colored pill and be well spiritually, emotionally and physically. All of me feels so incredibly bankrupt right now. I'm fine sitting in the spiritually bankrupt because it's a beautiful place to be. The other two I could do without. Ready to start a new chapter.

I love Romans 8. Thankful to be an heir.

D


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Sunday, February 07, 2016

Brick

The chorus "she's a brick and I'm drowning slowly" is playing through my head. The song is actually about abortion and is really sad and paints an accurate description of the kind of devastation abortion creates. This world feels so incredibly heavy tonight.

I fear melancholy is starting to turn into the swirling dark pit. It's almost as if I'm hitting the two week post baby funk six months late. I think I'm just completely out of emotional gas. I'm tired of fighting. Let it slowly sink me like a brick. I could be fine sitting in it but I find myself just wanting to sleep and unmotivated to do anything even things I would normally love to do. I think a dive like this possibly suggests my thyroid is whack. That would also explain the uptick in numbness. Haven't heard back from dr yet so will call tomorrow. I'm too hosed to fight getting out of bed anymore than I already do in the morning. I'm not a fan of feeling like I could lay down and die. I was created to stand up and fight. I'm sure some solid sleep, vitamin d and possibly some pig hormone will clear things right up. This really does feel like a hormone crash more than anything. Incredibly achy tonight and had a hard time remembering my area code today. Random but my brain is broken for a reason.

Watching old home movies I'm sad over how much more heavy things have felt over the past couple years. I'm ready for more light heartedness to come flooding back into our family. Les and I can be really fun, Les especially AND our kids can be really fun. Ready to put the fun back into family. Might take a bit longer to get there though. Need to get over this overwhelming desire to sit down and give up first.

Ro 7:
Love this passage of scripture. Paul nails it. I don't do the good I want to do and do the evil I don't want to do. Praise Christ Jesus for rescuing us from the madness.

D

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Perfect Ending To A Not So Perfect Day

1. Ended today watching old family videos on YouTube. Whoops it was 12am and most kids still up. Most asleep now thank goodness!

2. It was whack a mole with kids today. Went from one training moment to the next while soothing a very grumpy baby. Lilly who is usually the kid power of three toddlers was extra special today. Poor hubs has round two of death virus so I had a fork stuck in me early on.

3. Visit with Mil has gone well. I am ready to have extra people out of my space though. Ready for "normal" BrownTown routine.

4. Stupid numbness back. So echinacea not the sole culprit but the usage of it could have exacerbated symptoms a couple weeks ago. Other aches and pains have been minimal this week so that's a win. Ready for my heaven body!

5. Weepy over babies who go to Jesus and sweet babies growing in their momma's wombs. Life is such a beautiful gift.

RO 6:
I heart me some Paul. Thankful to no longer be a slave to sin but a slave to righteousness.

D


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Friday, February 05, 2016

Mudge the Mess

I adore my sweet Mudgey boy but he's been a mess lately! He has been very squawky and grumpy and not too happy when he's not in my arms. Worn out by that cute boy. He's worn out too as he's struggled to sleep well. Yawn!

""Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord will never count against them.""
‭‭Romans‬ ‭4:7-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Blessed indeed!

Zzzzzzz
D



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Thursday, February 04, 2016

It's Okay To Struggle

1. Fired up my hubs niece is on the FB now. Been praying about ways to connect. Boom! Prayer answered.

2. Melancholy today. Not sure why. Probably because this world is just not our home. Could be hormones. My dairy factory supply has completely tanked the past couple days. I took that as a perfect excuse to eat lactose free ice cream and GF cookies. Wish I could drink an ice cold dark beer.

3. Chaotic day. Couldn't get anything going and kids dragged their little feet when it came to school. All the individual work got done though. Every time I off road off the schedule things just don't go nearly as well. Weird. A schedule is boring but necessary.

4. Reminded today not to compare. We are all gifted in many different ways. All are needed for the benefit of each other and ultimately the glory of Christ.

5. My sweet girl struggled today. Loss of a pet and that dang anxiety. Life is hard all the way through. I wish it was easier for all of us to grasp that "it's okay to struggle". I need to remember that it's okay to see my kids struggle. It tears at a Momma's heart though.

6. Mourning tonight over not being the Momma I wish I could be for my kiddos. Hate sweating the small stupid stuff, my tone and demeanor and overall lack of patience. I'm rarely the Mother I long to be. Thankful that the Lord's grace is sufficient for me and my kids despite being a selfish sinner.

7. Need to go rualk. I'd rather stay in bed and lay my head on my melancholy pillow.

Ro 3:
This verse sums up the chapter pretty well:

"Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God's sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

D


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Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Belly of The Whale

Thankful for three hours in the car to think, pray and praise. God has been gracious in the ways He has been leading me through the book of Jonah. Never would I have imagined that this book would have this kind of impact on me. Thankful the Lord would rather have me sit in the belly of a whale than flee to Tarshish. I trust the reason for not being allowed to Tarshish is because there is something even better on the horizon. So I will sit in the belly of the great beast and praise the Lord that He provides.

Ro 2:
Dwelling on what it means to judge others. I sure can be an arrogant ass.

D


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My Name Is Jonas

Props to anybody who has Weezer playing in their head right now. Went out to rualk it out and all I wanted to do was listen to this Weezer song. Instead I had to listen to Jonah again. I didn't want to but had to. The Lord so lovingly pointed out that I'm Jonah. Of all the people to be like its Jonah. He's stubborn and yet is passionate about God. Chapter two when he's humbled in the belly of the big fish he pours his heart out beautifully to the Lord. He eventually obeys. He has an anger problem and his emotions flip / flop on a dime. Jonah. Ugh. Yet, even in his stubbornness God used it to turn a boatload of people into followers. God loved Jonah although he was a hot mess. God loves me even though I'm a rotten mess too. Thankful for His mercy and grace! Jonah. Awesome.

D

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Tuesday, February 02, 2016

Slap A Happy Face On That

Tried to write this several times now and I'm giving up. Seething and tired of the unmarked land mines blowing up at the most unexpected times. I'm so over it. I just want God to tell me what He wants me to do with all of it. Seriously it's impossible to get away. 

Struggling with anger and deep sadness over the church's lack of understanding of abuse. These are some stats on child abuse in the US.


I know abuse can often overlap but somebody do the horrible math on this. Child abuse is epidemic!! YET most churches have no clue how abuse affects marriages, small groups, discipleship, unity, ect. They are clueless because they have no clue how detrimental abuse is to a child and to an adult. The effects last a lifetime. Seriously dumbfounded by the ignorance. I get it, minimization is one of Satan's main ways of keeping a survivor of abuse in chains and in bondage. Sadness, anger and disgust are in high gear right now. 

Going to listen to something on the bible and rualk it out with God. 

D

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Monday, February 01, 2016

Ouch

It's rather interesting what a good serving of perspective can do. If someone gave find a million things to thank Jesus for while dying of cancer why do I grumble and complain over the smallest of things. Jen has found the secret of giving thanks in all circumstances. Lord teach me the secret. I write that fearfully Lord knowing the best way to learn is through experience. I am thankful that you remain with us in the pit of despair even while grumbling and complaining.

1. Thankful this morning for a hubs who loves his family well. He could have easily put himself first and considered his own plans for the day but instead put the kids and I first and took car of our fume filled can.

2. Thankful that God answered prayer and that our van was quickly fixed and we were not price gouged.

3. Thankful for my kids. They each represent their own unique strengths and challenges and I'm so thankful I get to be their Momma.

4. When I pressed a neighbor who had misty eyes today I got probably the best compliment I've ever received. She said she feels God's presence when she's around me. I don't deserve such compliments but oh how desperately I long for there to be less of me and more of Him. Even though I feel like I'm more of a mess than I ever have been I know He has been faithful to change me for His glory. I don't deserve His grace, mercy or love and I don't deserve His continual restoration in my life. I'm so thankful.

5. Thankful for PATH friends for my children and for me.

6. Thankful for sleeping last night without hacking all night long. I do feel like the funk has settled in my lungs for a nice long winters nap but overall feel like some of the fatigue is leaving the building. I may be zonked tomorrow but God helped provide the energy I needed to get through today. Thankful.

RO 1:
The last half of this chapter is really interesting to me. The contrast of those who have chosen to turn away from God versus those who are poor in spirit is staggering. Interesting to have a chance to dwell on both today.

This verse really stands out a ton to me:

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭1:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

If this is so, how awesome that God would include us in sharing the gospel with others. He doesn't need is yet invites us to be apart of something incredibly beautiful.

D

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In Bed

Upper respiratory funk and sinus awesomeness has me snuggling in bed with Mudge while my offspring gorge on tv. Not fired up about all the screen time this month especially when it's beautiful outside. Eh, sometimes you just need to survive.

All good things come to an end and so did my stint in bed but thankful for time to rest and time with Mudgey to work out some in house plumbing issues.

Sad about not celebrating a sweet baby girl this afternoon. Since Lilly I've been so gun shy about being around itty bitties with the funk. Being in the hospital sucks! Having a baby with the funk sucks. Mudgey has been his own bag of fun with the funk. Finally feeling better about his cough. It will be so rockin to be in heaven where there is no more viruses big or little. Illnesses or cancer or broken bodies. Wonder if in heaven our bodies resemble our twenty year old bodies. The twenties surely are wasted on being an idiot.

Read a chapter in Martin Lloyd Jones book. Really love his thoughts on being poor in spirit. Humility is such a beautiful thing. Love the thought of having to be completely poured out until He can pour back in His character and His nature. Reminds me of the widow who had to daily pour out everything in order for the miraculous to happen. There's a line in the chapter I read that I'm going to butcher but I've been chewing on it in light of discussions about Christians who continue to walk in destructive sin patterns. Basically it was about having to be convicted first before the Lord could begin to help restore. That makes a lot of sense to me. There are sin patterns in all of us. Until we know that it's a problem how can we even invite the Lord into our struggle? Some of us are convicted and yet it's still a struggle. I believe we do grow up and to the right as we walk with the Lord but change never happens as quickly as we would like it to. The real truth though is that the more intimate we know the Lord the greater the chasm grows of His greatness compared to our depravity. That gap will never close. If it did or even if we could more the needle closer to the Lord we would only become self reliant and begin to trust in our own ability. We surely are a sinful lot. I really don't understand why the Lord is so patient with us.

I listen to Jonah a couple times this evening and I was really struck with how much I can be like Jonah in chapter four. I feel entitled to life being easy. I feel entitled to comfort. This is the ugly result:

""Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God's love for them."
‭‭Jonah‬ ‭2:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

When I desire comfort and ease and my goal is blocked I shake my fist at the Lord as if the Lord was created for me. How much better would it be if I could tear down that idol and instead of running into comforts arms turn to the Lord's amazing love. I run after the cheap imitation knock off all the time. Yet even so, He never stops pursuing me and wooing me back to Him. Father crush the gross entitlement that resides within me. It's gross and it reeks so much havoc in my life.

At a screeching halt with Romans right now but confident it will be picked back up. I'm not going to rehash proverbs next month. I could see circling back around to it but in some ways it's like drinking from a fire hose. Not sure what tomorrow will hold. Maybe Romans!

Off to read Proverbs & Psalms 31. I'm so not the Proverbs 31 woman but thankful my God and my hubs are okay with that and that my kids don't know what they are missing just yet.

D



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