Thursday, March 31, 2016

Just The Starting Point?

Today was one of those days where all the dots connected together. The only problem is I'm let with the age ole question of now what? I guess before I try to make my brain work for real I'll catch up a bit. FINALLY got better sleep last night. It was only interrupted by one child last night rather than three. So thankful! Mudge appears to have gotten the flu. I felt his little body start to run hot in the middle of the night. I'm so thankful for him and his role poly pudgy body. It's fantastic. He's not overly sick but he's sad and has fever and has slept a lot today. I did give him meds late afternoon as he seemed more miserable. Just as most of my boys have done in his shoes, once it kicked in he perked right up. Not good for a sick kid who really needs to rest instead of play. Since Mudge slept on me most of the day I was able to crank out a full day of school. We are no where near done like some of my friends but what's summer without burning through some serious school work? One day I'll be brave enough to fully ditch the workbooks.

So today got a brief opportunity to dwell on different personality types and sin struggles, ect. I must confess that I can be quite the arrogant ass. I've looked at others with a critical and judging spirit rather than view them with compassion. Then this verse came alive to me today.
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The Lord does not condemn those who are His. He doesn't frown or wag His finger or say looks like so and so screwed up again. There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It doesn't matter what your personality type is, what your sin struggles may be or how big of a mess you are. There is no condemnation. There's room to mess up without messing it all up. There's grace to question and doubt and wrestle.

Is the Lord grieved by our sin? I believe that He is but not because we've messed up again. He aches when our sin causes us hurt and pain towards ourselves and towards each other. I believe He aches when our struggles rob us and others of peace, joy and freedom.

I miss the boat when I live out my Christian walk living under the banner of condemnation. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Why would I ever desire to judge when I've been extended abundant amounts of grace, love, mercy and compassion? Oh how the evil one loves to steal peace, rob joy and destroy freedom. Give me eyes to see people the way that you do Lord. Help me to discipline my children with a heart bent to train them up in righteousness not hammer them with condemnation. I know I drive the nails of condemnation right into their souls every single day. But your grace is sufficient in my weakness Lord and there is no condemnation. Help me to pour out my very life as a fragrant living sacrifice to you.

So here connects the last dot. Les got the chance to grab lunch with an interesting cat the other day. We got to chat a bit about it but more opportunity tonight. They talked a lot about the church and the topic of discipleship came up. The formula for discipleship these days in the modern church in the US is pray, read your bible, maybe take this or that class and get into some kind of group be it the community, life, home or cell variety. This dude has had the opportunity to rub elbows with an interesting collection of people. His take is that these practices are a good start yet it leaves us standing in a puddle. Why would we want to stand in a puddle when we could be swimming in an ocean? My first reaction was to get an opportunity to meet some of these people who are swimming in the ocean. I want to get out of the puddle and swim in the ocean too! My next reaction was awe and wonder. How exciting to just be standing in a puddle!!! There is an ocean out there to be swimming in and I'm only in a puddle. I'm left with huge question marks and a huge now what but if I've only got a toe in the water I can't wait to at least be wading in the water.

Hebrews 12:
I want the ocean.

"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:28-29‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D

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Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Re: Jackpot

I'm afraid to pray you get good sleep tonight, based on last night's answer😜
Hugs,
Karla

On Wednesday, March 30, 2016, Desi Brown <desibrown@gmail.com> wrote:
1. Last night was crazy. It was so crazy that it was funny. Pooplosions and pukeplosions and rinse and repeat. Delirious fevery girls upset that a sister exploded on her. Can't blame her. Sweet baby slept through most of the crazy but got up between the chaos to feast. Tired but not angry at life today. Laughing at it. You can't make up somethings.

2. Thankful for fully caffeinated coffee today. Forgot that yesterday was half cafe. No wonder why I was angry evil troll yesterday.

3. So the never ending puke bug moved passed my comfort zone. I began to wonder if we were dealing with something else. Called doc to get input and they wanted us to come in considering Bella could start to get in a danger zone for dehydration. We didn't confirm with a test but dr pretty confident she has the flu considering all her symptoms. We seem to hit the flu jackpot every other year so we are due. We'll see whose odds are in their favor this year in BrownTown in avoiding the flu jackpot.

4. A sweet pumpkin is sleeping in my arms so it's hard to concentrate and not completely pass out.

Proverbs 30:
Love this proverb. The author is aware of the pitfalls of pride and self reliance. I happen to struggle with both so good to be reminded of the importance of relying on the Lord to provide for everything and realize I'm not nearly as wise as I would like to think that I am.

Praying for rest tonight. Not sure a repeat of last night would be as amusing tonight.

D


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Jackpot

1. Last night was crazy. It was so crazy that it was funny. Pooplosions and pukeplosions and rinse and repeat. Delirious fevery girls upset that a sister exploded on her. Can't blame her. Sweet baby slept through most of the crazy but got up between the chaos to feast. Tired but not angry at life today. Laughing at it. You can't make up somethings.

2. Thankful for fully caffeinated coffee today. Forgot that yesterday was half cafe. No wonder why I was angry evil troll yesterday.

3. So the never ending puke bug moved passed my comfort zone. I began to wonder if we were dealing with something else. Called doc to get input and they wanted us to come in considering Bella could start to get in a danger zone for dehydration. We didn't confirm with a test but dr pretty confident she has the flu considering all her symptoms. We seem to hit the flu jackpot every other year so we are due. We'll see whose odds are in their favor this year in BrownTown in avoiding the flu jackpot.

4. A sweet pumpkin is sleeping in my arms so it's hard to concentrate and not completely pass out.

Proverbs 30:
Love this proverb. The author is aware of the pitfalls of pride and self reliance. I happen to struggle with both so good to be reminded of the importance of relying on the Lord to provide for everything and realize I'm not nearly as wise as I would like to think that I am.

Praying for rest tonight. Not sure a repeat of last night would be as amusing tonight.

D


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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Angry At The Sky

Woke up incredibly angry at the sky and everything under it. Littles tag teamed again and during the interrupted sleep I did get I had a horrible dream I don't ever want to talk about. Today stunk as I was too tired to do anything. I feel hopeless going into tonight as Mudge has been a complete mess today and Bit is bound to cry all night because we can't get that kid to poop. Bella will probably have restless fevery dreams again. Thinking about it makes me want to scream a thousand screams. I've been more exhausted in my life. I think I hit my all time low when Bit was sick with pertussis as a baby. But Bit and Mudge are so high maintenance that they demand a level of energy that I don't have when they keep me up all night long. Argh!!! I need to get a grip.

Proverbs 29:



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Monday, March 28, 2016

Fingers Crossed Its A Stomach Bug

1. Littles have started taking shifts to keep me awake at night. Really tired.

2. Unprepared for today but still was beautiful. Got to do my favorite thing today and sit in some scripture with some students today and hear what the Lord showed them. Love that they were not too prideful to ask questions. Thankful for that sacred time today.

3. Mudge loves food but food does not love Mudge. His stomach is off and it's making him well Mudgey. Teething is not doing him any favors either.

4. Sweet Bella is dog sick tonight. The only thing I've know to take a kid out so fast is a stomach bug or the flu. She was playing at lunch and fever and aches by five. Poor little fever flushed girl. If it is the flu praying Mudge doesn't get it. Heard flu is extra special this year.

Romans 8:
Such a powerful chapter. So comforted by the fact that the Spirit prays for us with deep groaning. We are so incredibly loved and adopted into the family. It makes no sense to me but I'm so thankful.

D

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Sunday, March 27, 2016

CAKE

Going to keep it real here on this Easter Sunday. I have the worst song stuck in my head. If I haven't mentioned it before, I have a deep love for cake that is eaten and Cake the band. I love Cake's musical ability, what I don't love is their lyrics. At one time in my life the lyrics mattered not. Sometimes you remember your great love for something and yet forget why you have chosen to leave it behind. Listened to Cake the other day and now I have the song You Turn the Screws stuck in my head and it's on insane repeat. It might make me loose my mind.

Good Easter. Overall it was a very chill and low key day. Church was a lot more low key than it normally is and it was a nice change of pace. Original lunch plans were a fail but it still worked out and was easy. Got to talk more about the meaning of Easter and we shared and confessed sin we struggle with. Sometime this week we'll burn the things we wrote down in the fire pit. Ended the day with a fun chill dinner with friends. Two kids said this was the best Easter ever! It definitely was one of those Easters where I was the least prepared and I really didn't care. So there you go. Chill and low key with meaning and friends is always a win! Thankful for today and more importantly for the empty tomb. Thankful that it is finished.

Matthew 28:
What an amazing sight to see the Angel and the stone rolled away and then Jesus face to face. Heartbreaking that even with this awesome testimony the priests still chose to harden their hearts. They not only rejected Jesus in their own hearts but they also caused others to stumble. I wonder how different the story would have been if they had only believed.

D



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Saturday, March 26, 2016

Sweet Sadness Mingled In

Good day with beautiful weather but with sweet sadness mingled in. Lots churned through my head as my hubs and I discussed learned helplessness. Many implications to it that I'm pondering. There are so many wounds that a soul can carry. Thankful for the love of a Savior who meets us exactly where we are.

More talks about the future of our family and the hopes and desires that we have. Thankful for how the Lord has so graciously landed Les and I on the same page. Definitely gaining perspective as the days turn into weeks and into months and years. There is a plan and a purpose even amidst the craziest of our days. I can only imagine what it must have been like for the disciples on Saturday. The adrenaline rush of trauma would be gone and hopelessness would have begun to set in. Yet all alone God knew exactly which way the story was going. It's the same for all of us. He knows where every single one of our days is headed. Thankful that He has a plan and a purpose for every single one of us.

Matthew 25&26:
So difficult to read the account of Jesus crucifixion. Even while I was still an enemy and a mocker Jesus died for me. Hard to truly take it all in.

D

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Friday, March 25, 2016

The Veil Has Been Torn

1. Said goodbye to Buster today. Emotional day for all of us. It's hard to sit in the sorrow but it's good for us. So many hard yet good lessons learned today.

2. Feeling the need to brush up on the ole first aide after one of my kids started choking today. It's amazing how fast thoughts can race through your mind in a matter of seconds. Thankful for God's hand and provision over my boy today.

3. First time back at church in awhile. Thankful to be there but the painful sting is real. It occurred to me that maybe just maybe the reason I can't pull myself together is because it's been a brutal season. We've not yet fully recovered yet and we're still limping along. It's getting better but we're still the wounded on the sidelines. I don't know why admitting that is so difficult. We're not bleeding out anymore but we're stilling limping for sure. I need to just embrace the season the Lord has placed us in.

4. I realized today that it takes me recognizing the wretched sinner I am apart from Christ in order to fully embrace the fact that I am a saint who sins. Without realizing my desperation for the Lord I so easily wander. I will say that out of this crazy season I am coming out of it more fully aware of just how much the Lord loves me. Beauty for ashes for sure.

5. Had some wins with a certain kid who I'm really struggling with knowing what to do in order to shepherd his heart. I feel completely lost. Praying for God to light our path as we train this sweet kid up.

6. Another kiddo was Jeckle and Hyde today. It's so hard to figure out what's going on in that guarded kid's heart. God give me wisdom on how to guide my precious kiddo through his grief.

7. I'm so thankful the veil has been torn. There really are the right words to express my gratitude.

8. Couldn't ever pull it together enough to get our Holy Week and Easter Celebration off the ground. I see God's graciousness hand in that in light of having to say goodbye to Buster. Thankful for the Lord's provision in every aspect of our lives.

Matthew 21:
Jesus rides into Jerusalem and speaks to the Pharisees. Trying to soak it all in.

D



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Thursday, March 24, 2016

Wretched Sinner In Need Of Grace Or Saint Who Sins?

Date night tonight and in light of Easter coming good conversation discussing whether we are sinners in need of grace or saints who sin and how that affects how we live our life as a Christian. Still trying to wrap my head around it fully.

1. Thankful for an amazing friend who watches my kids and who my kids look forward to seeing. Such an incredible blessing.

2. Thankful for a great day at the zoo with friends.

3. Spring still makes my heart sing even when winter never shows up and the air is polluted with Dallergies. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

4. Thankful for good Mexican food, margaritas and gift cards.

5. Thankful to be in a sweet season with littles and big kids.

Isaiah 53:
Hard chapter to fully take in but oh so painfully beautiful. I don't fully get the scandalous cross. I don't understand why He loves us the way that He does. I am a saint who sins who knows what a wretched sinner I am apart from Christ. There is not a single thing good in me apart from Christ. Thankful that by His stripes I am considered righteous. Blows my mind.

"Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities."
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Thinking of a precious friend whose heart is aching from the fall tonight. This verse made me think of her.

"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted."
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53:4‬ ‭ESV‬‬


So thankful for a Savior and King who not only died for me but who also carries our grief and our shame.

D
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Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Ah Hail!

I love a good thunderstorm but got some extra excitement tonight with a short but intense hail storm. It would be cool for my kids to see the sheer awesomeness of all that hail but thankful they were sleeping while it came down.

Still trying hard to put on my big girl pants and function these days. Maybe I'm functioning just fine and my expectations are just off but I don't think so. Ready to be back on my game.

This verse sums up Proverbs 23 well:
"Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23:12‬ ‭ESV‬‬


May this be true of myself and my children.

D



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Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Musical Tots

1. Could not get going today. Fell face first into my bed this afternoon and could not get up. Thankfully nobody set the house on fire.

2. I love my Mudge but the new sound he makes is maddening. It melts my brain. So thankful this kid doesn't refuse a pacifier!!

3. Thankful for impromptu cook outs and sleeping outside on the trampoline. I have spent most of the evening with the littles inside but thankful for my hubs making incredible memories with the rest.

4. I kinda thought I had the good end of the stick by getting to sleep inside with the littles. It's quite possible my hubs will end up with more sleep than me. The littles keep singing to each other. It's enough to make your eardrums break.

5. Already looking forward to coffee tomorrow.

Psalms 51:
God's timing is ever so perfect. I confess that I am quite the Pharisee. More later. Zzzzz

"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭51:5, 10-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D

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Monday, March 21, 2016

What's In Your Head?

Zombie by The Cranberries is cranked up and blaring. It started playing as soon as I pondered a title for today. My head is a mess. It's so hard to do this Christian Life without swerving to the right or to the left. So thankful for the balance that can be found in Christ alone. We humans screw everything up, Christian and nonChristian alike. Seriously, why in the world would I ever judge my neighbor, my brother or my sister when my poop smells just as bad if not worse. We are wretched beasts. Nothing good dwells within us apart from Christ.

A few seconds ago everything was a discombobulated zombie like mess in my head. Right now everything is crystal clear. Jesus. The answer always was and will be Jesus. Tomorrow I may once again wake up and be an arrogant fool but for tonight I cling desperately to the cross knowing that apart from Christ I am absolutely nothing.

My hubs wrote a blog post today and the response has been interesting. A couple people have been brave enough to say something for all to see but most emails and private messages. Our stories may be different but the pain resonates within the hearts of many.

In the midst of all our church baggage, I am feeling more and more burdened for those on our street, believer and unbeliever. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that. I do pray our home would be a safe haven for those weary from the fall.

Psalm 63:
"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭63:3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Amen and amen! Lord turn my heart to sing thy praise. I'm so fickle and arrogant Lord. My only hope is in you.


D

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Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Speck and The Log

Read Mark 3 today and in some ways it fits my mood perfectly. No church today, again. I really like the church we have been going to but frankly I don't feel like getting all enmeshed with a church right now. Being on the fringes is hard and fully diving in is really the last thing I want to do. It's so much easier to start a new church in a new city. I know we are not the only ones struggling with church. I'm okay in the struggle because I am confident the Lord is going to bring us to the other side.

I am thankful the Lord is patient to bear with the imperfections of the church and the imperfections in myself. I'm thankful for a God who gives me time and space to simply wrestle. I'm thankful for a God who forgives every slander I've uttered and the pride that resides deep within my heart. I'm so quick to judge the speck in the eyes of my brothers and sisters. I question the calling of others and the path some choose to walk. I'm sure others have done the same with us. Once I start judging the Jesus juice my brothers and sisters are drinking doesn't that just puff myself up? The moment I start believing that I have it figured out and embrace false humility I'm sunk. "I'm not perfect but surely I have it figured out more than that sucker over there."

Jesus has such an amazing ability to meet us right where we are. He came strong against false prophets and teachers. Sin was not ignored but rather lovingly confronted. He knows where we have come from and why we do the things that we do. He knows every hurt, every wound, and every sin that we harbor. He loves us so very much and has great compassion on us in our weaknesses and our struggles. He knows our desperate need for Him even when we do not. God give me eyes to see others the way you do. Remove my critical spirit and prideful arrogance. Cloak me with mercy and compassion. Let not the things you convict me on be the weapon I use to club others over the head with. You are gentle and merciful and kind. Forgive me for judging the speck in others when I have a forest of pride growing within my own heart.

D

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Mexican Night

When we went to Costa Rica the staff was fired up about Mexican Night. Tonight we had Mexican Night with a group of folks we would call our "official" community. Thankful for the amazing folks God has placed in our lives official and unofficial who we get to do life with. God has been so gracious to us. Thankful for people who know we can be quite the mess and who might have to cook side items as a guest at said Mexican Night but who still love us. We are a mess but hey we're a fun mess! That must count for something!

Proverbs 19:
Thankful to have read this morning.

This is the verse I sat on today.

"Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I can be impulsive and make rash decisions. Really chewing on having desire w/out knowledge. Unfortunately, this made me think about our current presidential race.

D

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Friday, March 18, 2016

Rut Roh

Feeling a bit queasy tonight. Hoping it's just whack hormones.

1. Praying for precious friends tonight. Lord you know the fears and the heartache each of them have please let them know without a doubt that you are with them.

2. Parenting is a stone of sanctification and removal of pride. Grey hairs! My children make me grow grey hairs every day.

3. Going to fall asleep ASAP and ignore what is going on in my body.

Proverbs 17:
My stupid mouth. One day it will no longer say stupid stuff.

"Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:27-28‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Come quickly Lord Jesus!

D


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Thursday, March 17, 2016

More Pieces To The Puzzle

Today I saw my kid and all the things that I've wondered about or scratched my head about came into focus. I've viewed things singularly but today my two brain cells collided and I saw the whole picture. Decided we needed to make an appt, called and got in 30 minutes later. Hope to start getting some answers and know how to help our sweet boy.

Another day of trying to motivate minions to do the good they ought to. It was so difficult one of them ended up with a doctor appt. Thankfully Bit was not as full throttle today. I think her bigger sister missed her a ton yesterday and they played pretty well together. That little stinker Bit is so incredibly determined. She is such an incredible handful but she's so much fun.

Thankful for a couple extras this afternoon. Glad their momma wasn't afraid of the funk. Two kiddos would have been incredibly sad. Two brothers were crossways over a friend today though. I so hope today was not a foretaste of the feast to come. Oh the different personalities to have to navigate through. Thankful and yet at times overwhelmed. Thankful I don't have to do it alone!

Proverbs 16:
I need to jump back in Mark but Baby Curmudgeon will not let me leave his side so phone proverbs it is. Great chapter.

Love the reminders that God is in control.

"All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Lord weigh my spirit. Please continue to change this sinful heart of mine.

D



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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Shake Your Laundry Maker

I woke up hurting from ill working plumbing this morning. The teething kid just ain't getting it done. But he is stealing pizza from siblings. That kid is going to ensure that I stay on my toes for a long long time. He's going to be a wild one.

Our tornado had a rough go of it today. It takes a lot to lay that one out but poor thing got steamrolled by a mean stomach bug. Big kids have been popping charcoal like its candy so we'll see what happens.

I will say that with two boys gone, thanks to a sweet friend, and Bit being out of commission it was a much quieter day. Still didn't get anything done but I'll definitely take quieter even if it means extra laundry.

Proverbs 15:
This is my prayer over my crazy mouth tonight-

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭15:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I think maybe just maybe I'm about to fall out. I hope that's not because I'm about to get sick.

D

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Tuesday, March 15, 2016

I Didn't Even Realize We Had Broken Up!

I know things have been rough for sleep and I the last decade but I think we may have officially broken up. I don't know if I've developed a super strain of ADHD or my thyroid is being extra special but even when exhausted I'm completely wired but only at night. I feel like a high strung chihuahua and I hate those dogs! Oh I hate those dogs!!

Everybody is still way off from DST. None of my bigs could concentrate enough to do anything really. It's not unusual for them to trade off who is struggling to get things done but man it was attention deficit fest today. I can't even imagine what today was like for a teacher with twenty to thirty kids! Poor Mudgey was mad at the world today so that made things even more crazy. But we all made it out alive and we talked about the awesomeness of Jesus so that's a win!

Psalm 143:
This is my prayer for tonight

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!"
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭143:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D


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Monday, March 14, 2016

Go To Bed Or I'm Going To Eat You! And By The Way I Blame It On Daylight Savings Time.

Slept horribly last night. I figure at this point if I slept for three years straight I'd be caught up on sleep. Going to try to reset our family's internal clock since it's all messed up due to Daylight Savings Time. 6am is a whip but it's much better with a friend. In honor of my Good Morning Girls bible study I may start a Grumpy Girls Group.

WHY ARE MY CHILDREN NOT ASLEEP?!?

Proverbs 14:
"In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge. The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, that one may turn away from the snares of death."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭14:26-27‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Meeting the Lord will be the most awesome and most terrifying day of my life.

D


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Sunday, March 13, 2016

Out Came The Sun...

A beautiful sunny day truly is a gift straight from the Lord. So thankful to be out in the sun even if pollen tried to hate. 

I figured I would have to eat crow about my rainbow brite sparkle pony bible study. I was so very compelled to do it that I knew not doing it would not be an option. I'm not a huge fan of coloring my bible but it does slow down everything and I've loved the beautiful simplicity of the "study" itself. Overall it's a winner winner fried chicken dinner and I'm thankful. 

Mark 1:
These are the verses that caught my eye last night.

"And a leper came to him, imploring him, and kneeling said to him, "If you will, you can make me clean." Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand and touched him and said to him, "I will; be clean." And immediately the leprosy left him, and he was made clean. And Jesus sternly charged him and sent him away at once, and said to him, "See that you say nothing to anyone, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleansing what Moses commanded, for a proof to them." But he went out and began to talk freely about it, and to spread the news, so that Jesus could no longer openly enter a town, but was out in desolate places, and people were coming to him from every quarter."
‭‭Mark‬ ‭1:40-45‬ ‭ESV‬‬

1. Once you come face to face with Jesus you can't shut your mouth even if you try. Following Jesus becomes your number one identity, you simply can't hide who you really are or who you belong to.

2. Jesus chooses to heal the man with leprosy despite the cost. Jesus knew despite His command that the man was not going to be able to keep his mouth shut about Jesus and as a result He has to stay in remote and desolate places. In the NLT version it uses the word lonely to describe the outskirts. 

3. Despite the man's disobedience Jesus's plans were not thwarted. People still came to Him and He was able to meet people in the lonely and desolate places. In our sin and our stupidity we can't mess up the plans Jesus has for our lives and the lives of others. I know this, but it's good to remember and be reminded over and over again. 

Mark 2:
I've found the last two days I've been drawn to the verses at the end of the chapters. It's probably because with my ADD on a rampage these days I forget what I've read and cling to what I can remember. It has been good to just focus on a couple verses that stand out. Having to take in an entire chapter at a time has been way too overwhelming lately. 

Lots of dwelling on these verses today.

"And he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath.""
‭‭Mark‬ ‭2:27-28‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Way too tired to even write out where my brain ended up today. Maybe tomorrow.

D


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Saturday, March 12, 2016

Preemptively Pissed

Today I decided to be angry a day early about Daylight Savings Time. My offspring have already decided to boycott sleep so with DST happening I'm doomed to not sleep till we fall back again in the fall and even that is wishful thinking.

I started getting hot this evening when I realized I spent a day doing laundry and helping kids clean rooms and other various things and it feels like I got nothing done. Not even a little dent. And it makes me want to go crazy and burn everything we have. We'd be so much happier without all our crap. We mustn't burn the books of course but everything else can go.

Why has my sweet precious baby turned on me? The kid won't sleep and he's constantly jumping and growling. He's obviously going to be of the maniac variety. Bit and Mudge are going to completely break me, I can feel it. I guess that's not a bad thing. It's just not very pleasant.

I'm going to do my Mark Bible study. The picture on the cover is a woman drinking a wonderful cup of coffee. Seriously who looks that good drinking coffee in the morning. It's why I hate bible studies. It's not reality. It's pretty and fluffy. I want raw, gritty and slightly jaded yet hopeful. So I'm going to take my rainbow bright highlighters and color my bible as if it was an adult coloring book and hope that it brings me some peace during my Daylight Savings Time Rage.

D

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Blessed Are Those Who Mourn

Had an ADD moment when I realized my dr's appt this morning was cancelled because I didn't call to confirm. I vaguely remember some mention of that but it was almost two months ago when I made the appt. Definitely felt like falling apart into a huge puddle on the floor. I wish finding dr's who are willing to get to root causes of symptoms were not hard to find. I think in the long run all the shenanigans to just get seen will save me time and energy. I just hope I don't completely crash before I make it to the finish line. My "condition" has definitely flared back up again this week. I still can't figure any rhyme or reason behind them.

Felt silly over my fit throwing this morning about first world problems and shifted to sitting in mourning. Mourning over my own sin and the fallen condition of our world. Mourning over friends grieving and struggling, the condition of our country and so many other things. I am thankful that ultimately we can have hope in Jesus even when things here on earth are so jacked up. I do long for Jesus to return.

Psalm 12:
Not an uplifting Psalm and yet one that seems appropriate. Thankful to have hope in this:

"You, O Lord, will keep them; you will guard us from this generation forever."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭12:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D


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Friday, March 11, 2016

Crubio

Finally got to watch a Republican Primary Debate this evening. Im even more confused about why anybody would willingly choose to vote for Trump. I guess people like "good deals" in America. Makes me crazy.

It was a crazy day fueled on another night of too little sleep. Think the kids have conspired against us this week. The bigs have been up insanely late and the littles have taken the middle of the night shift. Everybody is tired and the kids need to be aired out to run about twenty miles.

Coleman tomorrow.

Matthew 8:
Lots to ponder on judging, bearing fruit and building a house upon the rock.

D




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Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Giving Thanks In The Grime

Today I was thankful our children have already destroyed and beat our house into submission. The protective mud coat that is on top of everything now just continues to add character to the place.

Thankful for swamp thing Brown children and some extra friends for them to run around with. We are truly blessed by the people God has placed in our lives. Thankful for God's plan and design of community. Life is way too difficult to do it alone.

Matthew 6:
Chewing on this verse tonight -
""Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I know I can be a self righteous jackburger. I know I can easily lap up the approval of man and wear leadership as a crown of my own disgusting glory. I was talking with my hubs about this yesterday. It's such a gross trap! Seriously even our "righteous deeds" are just a bunch of filthy rags. I can't wait till one day when I will forever be freed from my sinful humanity. The battle that rages within is so incredibly difficult. So thankful to be grafted in tonight.

Tonight clinging to this verse as my mind does wander to tomorrow and the many what to dos. So many precious friends have burdened hearts. Living a life of faith while in the tension of temporal circumstances is so incredibly difficult. May I remember to seek first the Kingdom of God in all things.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33-34‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D

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Tuesday, March 08, 2016

Hot Mess Tuesday

We were all a bunch of hot messes today, minus my husband of course. It was a late night last night watching Star Wars and kids were up extra late and the Coke I drank in the afternoon kept me up past 2am. Kids were crazy, I had little in the tank and today felt incredibly unmanageable. I was so irritated at one point today that my oldest asked with a twinkle in her eye if I was pregnant. I walked off mumbling about needing to give kids away not grow more. My hormones are completely whack and I know that's not helping anything.

Absolutely no desire to read my bible which completely sucks. He's the answer to feeling overwhelmed and not having any answers. I think I am forever doomed to be stubborn and self reliant.

Reading about Amy Carmichael has me in quite a state as well. The girl lived in slumdog conditions voluntarily and strived to never complain. She totally got what it meant to live a life glorifying the Lord. Why do I struggle so much with stupid things that are temporal? Shawlies are not my thing but my crazies are!!! Why is it so hard to extend them the same grace I extend others? Bleh. God change this selfish, stubborn, stinkpotted heart of mine.

Thankful for impromptu in home dates with my man. There's nothing quite like consuming a thousand calorie burrito bowl and discussing sparkle weasels with the person you love. Thankful.

So I hate to write this but think I'm going to jump on a bible study bandwagon. It makes me want to puke a little bit in my mouth but I'm floundering around aimlessly a bit. I need to jump back in with Romans once my SOTM class is over. But without doing the Daily Walk bible this year I'm without a plan. So for now going to jump into the book of Mark and do one of those silly women's group read the bible together and have a pillow fight bible studies. It involves highlighters which already makes me want to roll my eyes but gotta start somewhere. Since my bible study bandwagon buttons don't arrive till Friday or Saturday I'll just stick my head in the SOTM again.

Matthew 5:
One day the SOTM will be memorized by my brain. I had mostly all of this chapter down pretty good at one point. I wish my brain was the steel trap that my daughters is. I can't even recall simple words sometimes.

This passage of scripture is very challenging. Ultimately I can't do any of it. So thankful for Jesus!

Pondering this stretch of verses tonight. It's so very unlike my nature.

""You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:38-42‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D


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For Real This Time

So I've been talking about our dog dying for years or at least since the big tumor was removed which almost two years ago. He's really gone down hill the past couple months and lately has been having a hard time getting around. I think we are nearing the time to say goodbye. Now that it's more real it's not nearly as funny. He has been such a good dog despite being on the bottom rung of everything. The tough persona I like to hide behind would like to say goodbye and keep on going without any tears. I cried for months when my dog Riley died. I can only imagine how sad I'll be when our poor sweet junkyard dog is no longer with us. It will be soon and it will be sad. So thankful for our dog Buster.

Thankful to spend today celebrating my oldest boy. I love that kid and I'm so thankful for him. Our relationship has not been easy but it's been beautiful. Crazy blessed by that boy.

I'll be honest, been online looking at puppies. I don't know what the best tactic is with my kiddos. I don't want to put a bandage on all their pain over the years and want to help them process grief and loss but dang they have had lots of loss already in the last year or so. I'd love to be able to ease the loss of Buster just a bit. Praying for timing on all of it and wisdom.

Psalm 42:
"As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him?"
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42:1-2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Oh God make this be true of me. It's been a struggle lately and I hate it. May my heart and my soul long solely for you. I so easily bow down to a cheap idol that only leaves me longing for more. Give me an unquenchable desire to sit at your feet and be in your Word.

D



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Monday, March 07, 2016

Not Enough Hours In A Day

Trying to wrap up bday surprises but littles not helping parents out much tonight. Can't wait to pass out. Good day but goodness there sure isn't enough hours in the day. At least it feels that way when so many things need time and energy and it's a limited commodity.

"Now all glory to God, who is able to keep you from falling away and will bring you with great joy into his glorious presence without a single fault."
‭‭Jude‬ ‭1:24‬ ‭NLT‬

Zzz
D

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Saturday, March 05, 2016

It'd Be A Lot Cooler If We Were Camping

I'm itching from head to toe and my sinus cavities are killing me BUT it would be a lot cooler if we were camping. Good day running around and outside. Not very productive but I'm sure the dirty house police won't arrest me.

Ran into a friend today and it hit me that this thing we got going now is pretty sweet. There's still the stress of getting a business off of the ground but I'm so thankful to be able to see my hubs so much more. I'm not sweating a Saturday service and how that would impact family time that's already limited. I hate circumstances surrounding lots of things but at the same time I feel like we've been plucked out of the craziness. I do hate the struggle with church that has been left in the aftermath but I know God is in the midst of that too.

2 P 3.
"The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent."
‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

He's a good good Father. Need to take another lap through 1st & 2nd Peter. I wish my brain was working better these days. These letters are just so dense. Can't possibly catch it all the first time through.

D

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Friday, March 04, 2016

Fresh Start

So much on my mind. Being a parent is not for whimps! I feel like it's been an almost two year journey of unlocking the mystery of one of my kiddos. It has ebbed and flowed as other craziness pops up. I do feel like I'm getting a better picture and yet I look forward to May when the picture will be even more complete. So thankful for knowledgeable friends to bounce things off of. I do feel like things are converging and that feels affirming. I mourn the years that I didn't understand and heaped coals and burning ashes on my child's head. Hate that I bought the lie that discipline should look a lot like control in those early years. I truly wish someone had told me to be a student of my children, know their heart and ask questions. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bath water but treating discipline as an agent of control has caused so much more damage to my relationship with my children and so much more. Bleh!!!! If only we'd go to God over everybody else when it comes to our kids. He knows them better than we ever will.

Have I mentioned how much I hate my phone? It's like holding the damn snake in my own hands. I'm way too ADD to own one. I'm way too selfish as well.

2 P 2:
Insanely heavy chapter. Couldn't help but think about all the prosperity "prophets" out there. Hanging around here for another pass or two.

D


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Middles

Today was something. I realize when I go into a day expecting it to be difficult I'm much more prepared and patient when I don't. Let's be real most days have its fair share of crazy or difficult. Today really feeling for my middles. Of everyone they get dismissed most often. I think the youngest middle is struggling being graduated to a middle. I personally would hate being a middle. Not old enough to get the big kid privileges but not small enough to be babied like the littles. Feeling the need to rework things or refocus on priorities to "fix" the problem. 

Now that I think about it I think overall I felt overwhelmed today. I feel ill equipped to address the educational needs of one. In fact, I just feel ill equipped to parent this kid. He's amazing but I often react to him rather than respond to him and I'm crushing this kid's spirit. For whatever reason it feels like we're at a crucial point with him.

Thankful for a perfectly timed night out with other homeschooling crazies like me. I know I'm not alone in feeling completely inadequate to do this large family homeschooling life. It's hard and it's wonderful and although I'd rather feel like I was knocking it out of the park I wouldn't trade it for the world!

"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence."
‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭1:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Resting in this truth tonight!

D

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Thursday, March 03, 2016

Thankful

So thankful for today and for precious friends!!! I really didn't give a rip about today all that much. I used to care about my birthday but after 30 and being sandwiched in between two kid bdays for almost a decade I really haven't cared about it for years. Sweetly surprised by coffee, lunch, gf brownies, yummy treats and sweet texts and calls. Feel incredibly blessed by the friends and family God has graciously blessed me with. I am rich indeed.

Thankful to have my hubs back home. I am realistic about re-entry for both of us. We both have been on our own plan for five days. I know emotionally I distance myself too just to get through the days without pining away over my BFF being gone. So far re-entry has been smooth. Prayer is kinda awesome like that.

I think I could write a book over how many things I'm thankful for tonight but I'm oh so tired. Need to process more about my new charge in life to train like a soldier. Bit crying and I'm so thankful she has her beloved Dada back. :) I think she might make us all pay for him being gone. That little pipsqueak is quite the force to be reckoned with! Lots of dear friends on my heart. Praying for miracles and the perfect timing and words that only the Lord can provide.

Psalm 139:
This psalm seemed perfect today. Growing up I often wondered why I was even alive. Nowadays I thank God for the gift of today. Thankful for a God who knit me together in my mothers womb and who knows me better than I even know myself. Thankful that He will never leave me.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:23-24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

D

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Tuesday, March 01, 2016

The Fall Of Rome

I don't know why I'm surprised or shocked about the election results tonight. I've spent the evening reading articles and the many numerous comments. I guess it's more out of a morbid curiosity to see what people believe these days outside of the bubble. I'm not surprised but so disheartened. I guess the eternal optimist in me had hoped that things could turn around, that another great revival was just in reach. We are reaping exactly what we have sown. It's brings me much sorrow.

I am thankful to say that tonight's results has not fueled the apathy I've been battling. Rather I feel it's given me a new charge to be apart of praying for and helping to raise courageous men and women of faith. The writing on the wall is very clear and my children will need to have an incredibly strong foundation in the Lord. They must be well versed in stories of great men and women who courageously lived out their lives for Jesus despite what the consequences might be, even death. They must know what it means to follow Christ wholeheartedly. There is loss of temporary comfort and pleasure here on earth but the reward is greater than anyone on earth could imagine. No other ministry will ever come close to the ministry the Lord has given me here on earth. These children must grow up with vision for why they were put on this earth. I need to be reminded of that too. I was not created so that I could enjoy ease and comfort. I was created with the sole purpose of glorifying Christ. Unfortunately, I rarely live up to my calling in this life. I'm too busy trying to glorify myself. That must end and I must pray fervently that the Lord helps me to learn to reject the lies of comfort and ease. I can't teach my children to be something that I have not achieved myself. I believe this new undertaking will require lots of changes in my life. God doesn't need me to be a rockstar Christian to prove anything to Him or this world. But if we are at war and I wholeheartedly believe that we are then I must train like a soldier would. God lead us. You have tasked us with such a huge responsibility in raising seven amazing little people. God may they open their hearts to you and be willing to take up their cross and follow you where ever you may one day take them. May I not be concerned about my comfort here on earth but rather spend my time building into things that are eternal. You know I'm lazy and I have made gods out of comfort and ease. We are desperate for you help oh God.

D

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