Thursday, June 30, 2016

Sugar Beast

Trying to figure out why my body has gone wacko today. Woke up incredibly achy and sore. Head to toe I'm one big ache. Can't figure out why exactly. My three top suspects are 1. Plain ole Dallergy overload 2. Dairy or 3. Sugar. I ate something that had soy in it last night? Trying to crack the code is difficult. Need to put on my big girl pants and do the Whole 30 and do the slow re-entry to food to see if what if anything is setting me off. Dang you tainted food that tastes so good! I am reminded how horrible I had been feeling and how simply cutting gluten has really helped. There's still more to figure out but on days like today I'm thankful that a simple change has helped so much.

Thankful for time with a dear friend that I just do not see near enough. I love her so and so thankful that God brought her into my life. There's nothing quite like the friendships that stands the test of time, space and location.

Psalms 63:
I really really love this Psalm and I so want to ache and long for the Lord the way David does. I am still puzzling over what happened? Adversity has a way of stripping away self reliance. There can be much beauty in grief and pain.

"Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise you!

You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭63:3, 5‬ ‭NLT‬‬


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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Church Nomad

First off, can I just say that telling people that I'm a church nomad (term adopted by someone else) is so incredibly freeing. Leap from roof top to roof top freeing. Frankly, when it comes to me and church it's complicated but thankfully God is not. Got into a conversation with a stranger today and her words about church were actually very encouraging to me about the Church. Two churches have served the snot out of her and her family and she is not a member to either. The churches heard through the grapevine of her desperate need at the time and were the hands and feet with absolutely no strings attached. Our experience with NSP has been of the same tune. No pressure to sign on the dotted line, serve or do anything frankly. Instead we were invited to find solis and allow God to use NSP in our lives in whatever capacity He choses. When absent and seen in a row of seats with my kids, there's been no talk of where have YOU been but rather we are so glad you are here. If church was any kind of a sanctuary right now I think NSP would be a great spot for it. Might just need to push through the yuck but not sure if that feeling is coming from the Lord or simply from compulsion. May the Lord stir our hearts and light the path for our family.

Allergies are stomping me today. I think mold is high? I don't know but as my little prince sings it's AGONY that cuts like a knife! I must have Benadryl toniiiiiiiiiight.

Good day other than the dallergy stomping. Kids has their second auditions at RPL and came walking out of them beaming. Seriously that place is like an injection of confidence for my kids. There's a lesson here for me for sure. I need to grow in how to be my children's biggest fans. Not every moment has to be wrapped in learning and lecturing. They are super smart kids and some things are best learned on your own. Jesus give me wisdom on how to train my babies. Please prevent me from crushing their little hearts. They each are such a joy and a treasure.

Got away from my Mudgey tonight to hang with friends. Although nice to get a break I'm so incredibly thankful to be reunited with him. So thankful for the sweet babies the Lord has filled our home with.

Psalm 63:
This Psalm is beautiful. Reading this chapter makes me understand better why David is called a man after God's own heart. The man loves the Lord and yet he still does deplorable things. There are so many of us who are in the same boat. We love Jesus and yet we still do the things we don't want to do. I so desperately want our flesh to be "fixed" this side of heaven but for most of us there is no magic Jesus wand. Instead there is a life time of struggle with sin and yet the Good News is that Jesus paid the price once and for all for our sinful humanity. It is finished. So many more thoughts but fading. Much to continue to process.


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Chatted with a friend today and she came up with the hashtag of the year. My hubs and my friends are firing on all cylinders with their awesome hashtags and blog names. Seriously though how much do we fail to take hold of the freedom offered to us in Christ Jesus? Jesus died on the cross to grant us freedom so why do we strive so hard to satisfy the laws of man? I so desperately want to take hold of the freedom that was purchased for me on the cross. I pray that all the man made religion I've lapped up over the years is completely and utterly exposed. But for Christ...

It's late and although there's so much chatter up in my head there's still a lot of handles missing. I think I have a lot of reading ahead of me though.

1. Thankful for God's amazing timing and His love and mercy shown to us today through potatoes. His timing and care for the finest of details amazes me. Blown away today by how much He cares.

2. Thankful to be able to buy groceries at the Costco. I guess since I only had the three littles with me today I was smiled upon at the Costco and offered abundant help.

3. My poor daughter has a crazy infected ear. It brought me back to the days when my earring stud slipped inside my ear due to swelling. This was kinda like that but much grosser. Praying that earring studs stay out of little swollen ear lobes tonight. My poor girl has already been so incredibly brave.

3. I didn't think it was possible but my kids have come out of their shells even more post performing on stage. Their confidence has risen in ways that I didn't think possible. Extroverted does not equal confident. I see the difference for sure.

4. Overwhelmed by Jesus today. At the same time realizing just how little I understand about the Holy Spirit. Wanting to learn and understand the Helper more.

5. Still stuck on the beauty of potatoes and missed trash trucks today. Grateful for the ways the Lord inspires us.

Psalms 29:
Praying this for so many friends with hurting hearts tonight.

"The LORD gives his people strength. The LORD blesses them with peace."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬


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Monday, June 27, 2016

Mother Cusser

This afternoon after a good talk with my hubs he came up with the name Mother Cusser after I said I was the mother who cusses. If the name wasn't already taken this would be my first blog post against the evils of religion and about the only one who can set us free, Jesus. I'm an imperfect follower of Christ who knows any amount to clean up my own junk results in a dirty cup with a sparkly outside! Thankful after going through the wine press my inside matches my outside. It's not pretty but you better believe I'm even more thankful for the grace that I so desperately cling to.

I'm still wrestling with many things but I believe things are coming into clearer focus. Honestly I don't think a single thing will be crystal clear until I'm flat on my face in front of my Lord and Savior. Really chewing on what it means to be salt and light in this world without being an obnoxious religious blow horn. Without love we are nothing by resounding cymbals are we not? But what does that mean?

The Roman Empire at the time of Jesus was rough and yet Jesus said render to Caesar what was Caesar's. The one thing Jesus clearly spoke out against was religion. The other sinners were met with grace, love and truth. They weren't clubbed over the head but rather they were wooed by the love and grace of Jesus Christ. Lots and lots to continually process. Oh how deceitful and prideful this heart of mine can be.

Psalms 51:
Blown away by the Lord's great compassion on this rebellious sinner who He sees as His daughter.

"Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭51:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Sunday, June 26, 2016

And That's A Wrap!

Fun day seeing the last performance of ITW. As soon as it was over, Little Red asked if she could audition today for the next one. Needless to say my kids had a blast performing and meeting new friends. So thankful to have such sweet friends willing to come see my crew today. Fun evening having dinner to celebrate the end of a great run with a fellow cast family. 

Heart heavy for so many tonight. Aching for a family with a sweet boy we love with allergies who had to go to the ER today. Can't imagine the angst of never knowing if the evil beast will be around to cause airways to restrict. Friends hurting and aching everywhere near and far and frail bodies weak from the fall. I desperately long for the day for Jesus to come back. 

Colossians 3:
Chewing on this.

"Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:9-11‬ ‭MSG‬‬

"In this new life, it doesn't matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Oh church could we please take hold of this simple truth. Everyone is defined by Christ and everyone is included in Christ. Oh how the divisiveness of the church must grieve Jesus. 


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Saturday, June 25, 2016

Into The Woods

1. Not sure I'm ever going to get over my big girl looking so big. Nevertheless it was so fun to see her and my other Brownies breaking a leg today. The kid who was the reason behind giving RPL a try was so pumped after the performance today. They all were but super fired up to find a real win for this kiddo.

2. So sad to have two things going at once. Had to miss most of my boys baseball game today and unfortunately will miss the last one too. So proud of all of those boys for all of their hard work this season. We aren't going to end the season as trophy holders but if medals were given to most improved team this team would indeed get one. Great group of boys and such sweet families.

3. Fired up about a precious baby girl who entered the world today. New life just never gets old. It's beautiful.

4. Heart heavy for friends in the valleys, friends with cancer, and a little bit in the hospital. In this world there will be troubles. So thankful that Jesus has overcome the world. One day all our hurts and sorrows will be a thing of the past. Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Proverbs 25:
Thankful for so many precious friends who have been refreshment to me over the years.

"Reliable friends who do what they say are like cool drinks in sweltering heat—refreshing!"
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭25:13‬ ‭MSG‬‬

So needed to read this verse. The Lord is ever so sweet in the ways He deals with the hearts of His children. He doesn't lecture or go on and on or guilt and shame. He gently encourages. Grace, mercy and faithfulness in abundance.

Thinking of a dear friend who is showing me exactly what forgiveness means. It can be a painful sacrifice. We are not left alone to love and forgive out of our own strength. Thanks be to God.

"If you see your enemy hungry, go buy him lunch; if he's thirsty, bring him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness, and GOD will look after you."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭25:21-22‬ ‭MSG‬‬


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Friday, June 24, 2016

Safe Place

1. Anxiety started last night over seeing a particular person's interest in RPL after another friend posted about it. Even just writing about it now churns my stomach a bit. RPL has become a safe place kinda like PATH in that I have grown friendships outside of the mothership. RPL has had a bonus in that I've also had the opportunity to forge relationships with non believing families. Now it just feels like the mothership is trying to infiltrate my safe place. Lots of praying over it and selfishly hoping this family won't be able to join in the dramatic fun. Feels so petty of me but I've really enjoyed having a place to go and not be blindsided by pain or anger. Moving sounds more and more amazing.

2. Quite the day sitting in it with one of my kiddos today. So many emotions. So much like her Momma :). I meant her Daddy. Ha! She struggled but I really feel like she conquered in the end. Super sweet to see her pray for the Lord to help. Forgot to come back around and point out that He indeed answered. Really trying hard to just listen instead of preach. Seriously who wants to be preached at all the time? Nobody, that's who.

3. Laying off my deep churning for a couple days. Too much activity going on this weekend.

4. Watching homesteading videos. Exciting!

Proverbs 24:
"Rescue the perishing; don't hesitate to step in and help. If you say, "Hey, that's none of my business," will that get you off the hook? Someone is watching you closely, you know— Someone not impressed with weak excuses."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭24:11-12‬ ‭MSG‬‬


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Thursday, June 23, 2016

Darkness Into Light

Got some quiet today. So great to listen to the birds and feel the wind against my face without shrieks. I love the ones who make the shrieks but it's impossible to think and listen amongst all the noise.

The two things I heard today was Darkness Into Light and Chaos Into Order. I think I've had a very flat 2D view of what bringing darkness into light means. One thing is for certain our God is most definitely not a 2D God. His depths and glory surpass any of our understanding. Yet in my Christian walk I've often limited the Lord and things pertaining to God in a very 2D way. The Lord doesn't just turn darkness into light, He turns all darkness into light. Every last bit of darkness will indeed be redeemed by the Lord. Every last shred of chaos will be brought into order.

I feel very much lost these days as my paradigm is shifting. The Lord has not changed but the ideas and thoughts I once held about what it means to be a Christian and live a Christian life are crumbling all around me. In some ways it's like trying to homeschool my kids. I teach my kids at home not so that I can just do traditional school at home. Yet since all I know is the traditional way to teach I'm having to relearn what it means to teach a child how to love to learn.

In the same ways I believe religion has snuck into my ideas of what being a Christ following Christian is. The problem is that I love religion. I really do. I want a formula. I want a set of do's and dont's and most importantly I want to knock it out of the park and succeed like crazy. The formula Jesus gives is Himself. We know the standards and yet nobody not a single one of us can follow the standard. In this world it's the achievers who win. Yet according to God's Standard there's not a single achiever in the bunch with one except. But for Christ. It takes a lot of humility to fully embrace this. I'm trying hard to take hold of what Christ has done for me and yet in my pride I still am grasping on to religion to save me. I'm still desperate to try to meet some kind of standard that either I have made up or somebody else has. Man made standards place people in bondage and yet give the false illusion of being attainable. Religion cares about the outside of the cup yet the Lord sees and cares about the inside of the cup.

Isaiah 42 today. Still so much left to work out. Needing some handles to at least grasp onto. I am confident the Lord will indeed continue to light my path.

So much to dwell on especially getting two emails from friends I love. One was about Romans 8. No coincidence it's what I needed to read and part of the things I have been trying to make sense of in my head. Another was the blessing of a compliment I don't feel that I deserve. I feel like the cussing oozing dissenter these days. That's not what she sees. It gives me hope that even in the midst of my sinful humanity there are still some parts of me that reflect the Creator who is turning darkness into light. Even in the midst of my chaos He is restoring and creating order. He is so faithful and I am so not. I'm ever so thankful for His most abundant love and grace.


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Wednesday, June 22, 2016


So many sad and crushing things tonight. Cancer, cheating and the church. I need time and space to sort and figure out all that's raging on my head. I probably can't figure it all out. I know a lot less now than I thought I used to know. Jesus lead me, I feel more confused than I have ever been before.

Psalm 91:
"For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬



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Tuesday, June 21, 2016


Really wanted to title my post with the F Bomb. My hubs is still feeling awful and I'm stilling fighting fatigue and the blahs. Really needing some time away to just think and be by myself.

Emotionally charged day. Pins and needles waiting for updates from friends going to appts. Heartbreaking news from a friend tonight. I'm so discouraged by humanity tonight. I shouldn't be but the results of sin and death seem oh so heavy tonight.

Chatted briefly with a gal who is in the same church category as I am. Only took her three years for the unplug from church community to not feel painful anymore. If I start from the beginning of everything I've only got about a year left of anguish. BUT if I start where we left the two more miserable years. Not that I'm on anybody's timetable other than the one the Lord puts me on but there is hope knowing there will indeed be an end to this bleeding heart of mine. Jesus is good though, oh so very good. Jesus be the Prince of Peace to all those hurting tonight. You know the ones that my heart is burdened for tonight.

Psalm 44:
Not exactly the psalm I had in mind tonight but the raw emotion of what the psalmist is feeling is no joke.


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Monday, June 20, 2016

3-2-1 Contacts

Finally went to the eye dr today and wearing the lenses he sent me home again. Dang it feels good to be a contact wearer again. My minions have scratched up my lenses something fierce and it's been rather obnoxious seeing the world through scratched lenses. I'm sure there's a spiritual metaphor lurking in there for me but hurray for plastic round discs of clear vision! Bonus my eye sight has actually improved. I haven't changed my glasses RX for 5-6 years so that's pretty killer. Could be all pregnancy changes are evened out right now or it could be no gluten is healing me from top to bottom or my eyes are just awesome. Either way I'm glad one part of my body isn't falling apart. Clear eyes baby!

Still feeling off and not full tilt from whatever kid funk is still lurking but my poor hubs is definitely getting the brunt of the funk. It's going to be awesome when colds and diseases and cancer is a thing of the past in heaven. Praying for a friend who has a very important dr appt tomorrow. Praying for peace that surpasses understanding tonight. Oh how the night can be so long and so lonely sometimes.

Colossians 3:
"And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:5-8‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Really chewing on what it means to live life based on things and feelings verses based on Christ. These verses sting a bit. It's a good sting but ouch none the less. 


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Sunday, June 19, 2016


Kid funk in full effect on multiple members of Browntown including Mama and Papa. Lots of laying around and watching tv happened today. The Bit of course tried to throw a wrench into things. That girl!

Bummed to not fully celebrate the man of the hour but he wouldn't have been up for it anyway. Love my hubs and thankful for the ways the Lord has used him to redeem Father's Day.

Proverbs 19:
God help us to love and not indulge.

"Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:18‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Lots of thoughts on how spoiled, soft and entitled kids and adults are these days. I lump myself in with this group. Think the only way to correct the course is to homestead :)


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Saturday, June 18, 2016

Kid Funk

Good day. Baseball in the Amazon jungle. Crazy how far this team has come. My hubs is an awesome coach. He's pretty spectacular at working with kiddos.

Had a big ah hah moment today with our own baseball  issues. Hindsight sucks. I want to have perspective and see what I'm missing in the moment. Stink. I think overall good lessons learned all around but still. 

Got a touch of the kid funk. Really feeling rundown today and after baseball it would have been lovely to stay in bed the rest of the day. Sorry kids you get grumpy "I'm ready for you to go to bed 5 hours ago Mommy."

I already know what my hubs would say about this but feeling shame over not making more of an effort to make a special birthday and  Father's Day more special. He is special and I'm so thankful for him. I probably shouldn't need a special day to celebrate my hubs I could do it any day but still. Easy to fall into the "kids have sucked me dry" rut. Any last ditch effort to throw something together has been thwarted by the kid funk. Ain't got nothing in the tank. 

Still dreaming about the amazing food I ate last night. 

Colossians 3:
Love this. In fact this whole chapter is pretty killer. Wish I was better at keeping the right perspective, the eternal one. Instead often I'm too focused on what's right in front of me. 

"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:1-2‬ ‭MSG‬‬

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Re: SAFE PLACE good for me to hear. Thanks!!

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> On Jun 18, 2016, at 12:58 AM, Desi Brown <> wrote:
> Interesting how the Lord has brought up the theme of having a safe place. My kids got a compliment on how obedient they are. I love those kinds of compliments because my kids are not overly obedient at home or with me. I would much rather my kids be turds with me or at home than out and about with other people. I should be their safe place. We all need a safe place to be loved and excepted no matter how holy we are or not. Jesus is our ultimate safe place. There's no need to clean up our act or put our best foot forward. He knows exactly what we have to offer and yet still choice to die for use anyway. Crazy.
> My bigs needed a safe place to talk today and instead of just listening I did too much offering my two cents. Not every single moment needs to be a coaching or parenting lesson. Sometimes we just need a safe place to express all the feelings that are there.
> Fading.
> Proverbs 17:
> I think of one person as I read this. They probably wouldn't agree that it applies to them.
> "The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm."
> ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:27‬ ‭MSG‬‬
> Thankful.
> D
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Friday, June 17, 2016


Interesting how the Lord has brought up the theme of having a safe place. My kids got a compliment on how obedient they are. I love those kinds of compliments because my kids are not overly obedient at home or with me. I would much rather my kids be turds with me or at home than out and about with other people. I should be their safe place. We all need a safe place to be loved and excepted no matter how holy we are or not. Jesus is our ultimate safe place. There's no need to clean up our act or put our best foot forward. He knows exactly what we have to offer and yet still choice to die for use anyway. Crazy.

My bigs needed a safe place to talk today and instead of just listening I did too much offering my two cents. Not every single moment needs to be a coaching or parenting lesson. Sometimes we just need a safe place to express all the feelings that are there.


Proverbs 17:
I think of one person as I read this. They probably wouldn't agree that it applies to them.

"The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:27‬ ‭MSG‬‬



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Thursday, June 16, 2016

I HEART Lunch Dates

1. Lunch dates are the best! Got a great one in with my birthday hubster. Books and Mexican Food. It's as great as Queso and Margs but without the side of exhaustion. It's simply fun and fancy free.

2. Super fun baseball win tonight. Amazing how much the team has come along! Never thought we'd be able to beat this team when we first started the season. Still struggling with some baseball drama in Browntown though. Praying for wisdom. 

3. Great day but so super exhausted. Looooong day tomorrow.

Colossians 2:
Love this

"Entering into this fullness is not something you figure out or achieve. It's not a matter of being circumcised or keeping a long list of laws. No, you're already in —insiders—not through some secretive initiation rite but rather through what Christ has already gone through for you, destroying the power of sin. If it's an initiation ritual you're after, you've already been through it by submitting to baptism. Going under the water was a burial of your old life; coming up out of it was a resurrection, God raising you from the dead as he did Christ. When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive—right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's cross. He stripped all the spiritual tyrants in the universe of their sham authority at the Cross and marched them naked through the streets."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭2:11-15‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Let's us live as a free people who have been raised from the bed through Christ. The power of sin is destroyed! Oh praise Him for His magnificent love and grace!!


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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

What To In An Active Shooter Situation

1. Lots of blog posts and articles about what to do in an active shooter situation these days. I will say, as I was at the Costco today for the first time ever I thought what would I do if someone started shooting everything up right now. What a crazy world we live in. I'd love to keep going on about my business head in the clouds but that just wouldn't be wise. The writing is surely on the walls and the truth is that it's time to be prepared for the battle that lies ahead. More than packing heat to protect physically I need to be on the freaking ball training these kids. I should have that clear focus anyway but if the tone of things keep spiraling into chaos like they have in the past ten years sitting back sipping iced tea and wondering how we are all going to entertain ourselves for the day is stupid. I NEED to be training and preparing these kids for battle. I can't get side tracked over silly temporal things. There are so many daily distractions and I mustn't fall into the trap because 18 years will have come and gone and will they be ready to fight the biggest fights of their lives. It is getting really bad out there and we can't become the frogs sitting in the boiling water. Time to wake up and get my OODA loop on. Jesus lead us it's crazy times but in you the victory has already been won.

2. Good day. Lots of great kids in and out of this house today. It may not be a big house BUT it sure can hold a lot of crazies.

3. Really crunching on how not to be lulled by my desires for comfort and luxuries in this life and totally miss the boat. Really y'all things are not good. There's some really serious things that need to be done. I'm not just talking spiritual either. I've got to get this health / self care thing under control. Cutting gluten has really been helpful but I know there's a(n) autoimmune beast(s) lurking in my system. Who can fight in battle when they are half knocked down already? No more excuses. I gotta do better at not skipping meals. Thanks to being wired tired I can easily skip meals simply bc I'm not hungry and don't think about it. I skip hungry and go straight to Hangry thought bc of wicked blood sugar drops. Not good. I need to email my dr and get a GAD antibody test and see if I'm less type 2 prediabetic and whether or not my body is actually attacking my pancreas and I'm headed to type 1 land. It's nothing awful but I can't keep my head buried in the sand just like I can't keep my head buried in the sand about what's going on in the world. It's not getting better, none of it, so best deal with it. Overall I'm eating much better but really should kick off Whole 30 or stop being a feet dragger and either try GAPS or AIP. I hate food prep and cooking but time to be a big girl and grow up. It's time to eat to live rather than living to eat. 

4. Thinking about a friend tonight and pretty sure we need to send our kids off to camp so we can purge about 75% of things from our house. Being a homesteading minimalist sounds awesome. Now if only we could get something to grow in our darn garden. 

5. Little man slept so much better. His evil cold is getting better. He's still under the weather but thankful to not be on the snot sucking squad today. Bigs has it now. It's said that men are the ones who are whimps when they are sick. I'm not so sure that bears out in our house.

Psalm 15:
""Keep your word even when it costs you, make an honest living, never take a bribe. "You'll never get blacklisted if you live like this.""
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭15:5‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Enjoying the Message lately. Keep your word even when it costs you. Ouch but so good.


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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Evil Little Beast

1. Discouraged today. It can be such an evil little beast. I could go into a diatribe of the reasons why but I know the root of my discouragement is due to lack of sleep. Tried to go for a nap and the crazy chaos of my kids and the amount of havoc and destruction and anger that was caused reminds me why I don't nap often. Maybe that's a good thing because I think I could become a napaholic. Gone are the days of piling into a bed and napping with a bunch of littles. The seasons change way too quickly.

2. Up most of the night with Mudgey. Poor baby is incredibly congested. Lots of work trying to clear airways the last couple nights. I've even resorted to the bulb syringe which is always a very last resort. Thankful that after some time and effort and drama and trauma airways are clear presently and little man is sleeping soundly. Fingers crossed we'll get a good two hours in before having to repeat the crazy.

3. Hate that in my non functioning sleep deprived haze I was a turd to my kids barking orders and commands and swam around in frustration at their kidness.

4. Must kill discouragement with gratitude.

Thankful for a tired hubs who has taken over bedtime and is reading to our kids. It blesses me so.

Thankful for the seven sweet children who made the crazy mess today. When I'm not a tired grump I am amazed by the wonderful little people they are.

Thankful for running water and for dishwashers and washing machines.

Thankful that even when I could grow weary and stress about unexpected expenses colliding with expected expenses that I know the Lord will provide. Resting in the tension of what I know to be true about the Lord all the while being face to face with circumstances is not easy. The Lord who provides coins in the mouths of fish can most certainly provide for our needs.

Fading fast...

Psalm 19:
Realizing I'm nature deprived. Going to a cabin in God's amazing creation is not an option right now but there's other ways to enjoy creation.

This is my prayer for tonight:
"Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭19:13-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬


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Monday, June 13, 2016

Melancholy Monday

Poor Mudgey has a really mean cold and neither of us slept great last night. I'm expecting a repeat of last night unfortunately. One day I'll sleep night after night uninterrupted and long for the days of littles in my bed.

Really melancholy over all things America. We don't need terrorists to destroy us we are destroying ourselves from within. My heart aches over the crazy and yet I'm so thankful my hope does not lie in what happens to our country.

Psalms 34:
Love this verse -
"Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!"
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:3‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Nothing more lovely than marveling in the greatness of God with others.

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Sunday, June 12, 2016

Maybe It Doesn't Look Like What We Expect It To

Had an experience at the Walmart that really has me churning today. A man lost it at the Walmart and shoved a cart super hard that could have hit me and Mudge. After his outburst I saw him look into his cart at a book which happened to be the book and he was praying for forgiveness. The man looked homeless. Possibly in the past I would have thought he was a kook and thought about the story to tell. I was moved with compassion for this man. How desperately I wanted to follow him and ask him if I could pray for him. I was willing yet waited knowing it might not be wise to approach an unstable man with a baby strapped to my chest. So I prayed and I continue to pray. 

I can't help but think about a mission trip to Philly and encountering a women who was a user but boldly professed Christ. She appeared to love Jesus and yet couldn't get away from her old ways. What if sometimes we follow Jesus and yet we are still not delivered from the thorn in our sides. What if it's addictions, depression, anxiety, or any number of things that one can struggle with. What if we believe and yet we don't struggle well. Are we any less believers when we simply can't kick some Christian life butt? I think I've gotten everything so incredibly backwards. 

So many more thoughts but oh so tired. 

Colossians 2:
Couldn't have timed this better. Beautiful chapter. Read in the Message tonight. I could copy and paste the entire chapter.

"So, then, if with Christ you've put all that pretentious and infantile religion behind you, why do you let yourselves be bullied by it? "Don't touch this! Don't taste that! Don't go near this!" Do you think things that are here today and gone tomorrow are worth that kind of attention? Such things sound impressive if said in a deep enough voice. They even give the illusion of being pious and humble and ascetic. But they're just another way of showing off, making yourselves look important."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭2:20-23‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Lots and lots to chew on. If with Christ...


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Saturday, June 11, 2016

It Was A Sultry Night...

I feel like this would be a good start for a novel. Speaking of novels I don't think mine went out last night. I was half asleep when I wrote it so it figures. Maybe I even just dreamed I wrote it.

Pretty melancholy tonight but today was a pretty good day. Thankful for a lot of time outdoors with my family.

Colossians 2 just made my brain explode. Need to sit here for awhile and wrap my head around this.


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Friday, June 10, 2016


Fell asleep already and hoping to do so again quickly.

Thankful for drop ins and sonic treats from friends. God has blessed us so richly!

Proverbs 10:
"When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭10:19‬ ‭ESV‬‬


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Thursday, June 09, 2016

It's Complicated

1. Didn't get up early early. Hubs got home at 1:30 so I knew I'd be toast if I threw in a 6:00 on top of that. Did get time in my prayer closet though and in front of my sink altar. 

2. In my prayer closet I did discover seething rage felt for one person in particular. I had a nightmare about this person the other night and interestingly enough my hubs had a dream about this person as well. I hate the bitterness and rage that lies lurking in my heart. It often leads to self loathing wishing I could be in a different spot or be better or stronger. But alas on my own I just can't shake it. Today I either once again or for the first time decided to cease striving and just admit and be okay with where I am. I'm not okay with where I am but I simply can't move the needle by myself. Yet I keep trying and keep failing. I CAN NOT DO IT. He will keep me in this place until I realize that I may not be able to do it but HE CAN. 

3. At my altar listening to none other than All Sons and Daughters He whispered to me that He's with me in the rage and the bitterness. He rides every wave that hits with me. He doesn't see me as "one who harbors rage and bitterness" but sees me through the lens of redeemed. I'm His and He is mine and so of course He would sit and be with His daughter through the storms of bitterness. He's not just sitting at the finish line beckoning me to come He's running the race with me. Often times He's carrying me along the way. His love for me is not based on whether or not I can pull my crap together and perform. Heck I may never get out of this damn ditch but as long as He is beside me does it really matter? Am I striving for my glory or for His?

4. I keep thinking that moving would make things so much easier. A fresh start away from the mothership. In some ways that won't change a thing. Wounds are something that can't be left behind. So things are just complicated now. I love Jesus now more than I probably ever did but I'm not sure I care to be a Christian anymore. Very strange place to be indeed. 

Colossians 1:
"May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭1:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

His might not my own.

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Wednesday, June 08, 2016


1. So I think I hit my "okay I'm really done" point yesterday evening. Note to self - if hubs ever leaves for longer than ten days again a sitter for sanity is a must. Overall things went pretty well considering I was in some pretty desperate need for time alone before my hubs trip. In many ways that's pretty sweet. I can't boast about surviving this latest trip out of my own ability, it's all been Jesus. The times it wasn't Jesus trust me it wasn't pretty. 

2. I think the dueling littles are the ones who really did me in today. Lack of sleep and need for silence is not a good combination. 

3. I hate that my husband's homecoming has turned into "I'm so glad your home! See ya!" In order to fully rejoice and enjoy him being here I have got to get away from my people, at least for a little while. Again I'm so thankful for the way the Lord has sustained me. This is exactly how I was feeling before he even left. Schedule and pressing things just didn't allow time for me to slip away even briefly. 

4. After thinking on it, my last sentence is bunk. I could have gotten up early and spent time with God. I just chose to sleep in instead. Have my alarm set early. Eek! Going to get my "I need coffee butt" out of bed and go take a walk. I've been inspired by a friend to walk. Thankful for her. 

5. Bit and Mudge are so restless. Makes me want to erase number 4. I think my soul is more thirsty than my need for sleep.  

Colossians 1:
"Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,"
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭1:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

By the will of God. I need that tattooed across my face to remind me of whose will anything good in this life comes from. Lord may I not boast in myself but rather in you.


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Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Washing My Feet

1. Need to try to simmer down tonight. Crazy triggered by the Brock Turner insanity. Really though, if the church makes jokes about rape culture and doesn't get it how can we expect anyone else to? I could vomit thinking about it right now. Why is this crap so minimized?!? I truly believe satan's greatest weapon when it comes to sexual assault and abuse is minimization. Wish I had the courage my husband does and stood up and raised my hand when I had a chance.

2. Going to try to wipe the bad taste out of my mouth by thanking God over baseball. My boy who didn't want to look at another baseball again is back up to bat and excited about the game on Thursday. Oh how the Lord is good!

3. Lit into my boys today for not loving and protecting their baby sister today and instead joining in the laughter. If Dad had been home I would have had him light up their butts too. I'd much rather err on being over the top when it comes to our boys loving, protecting, honoring and serving than be too lenient. There are too many women who have been used and abused by men and we need men like my hubs who is willing to stand up and speak out even when no one else will.

4. Had a sweet friend bring lunch over for me and a small army of children. Food always blesses me. Then she did my dishes which is pretty much the equivalent of her washing my feet. I obviously have issues.

5. Thankful to see another precious friend today who brought me veggies from her garden. The joy this woman has is so inspiring to me. It's contagious. I hope to one day ooze Jesus like she does.

6. Listening to All Sons and Daughters and hit with a mix of emotion. Listened to them as I felt like I was literally bleeding out and my heart was crazy crushed by so many things. One thing after another. So thankful for the ways the Lord has carried us the past couple of years. We are no longer bleeding out and for that I am so thankful. I know the Lord better now than I did before and for that I am so very thankful. The massive pride that had made a home in my heart was exposed in so many ways and is still being exposed. For that I am so incredibly thankful. All the ugliness of my heart has been spilled out and continues to overflow and for that I am so very thankful. Although still a self reliant stubborn ass I'm much more aware how nothing resides in me that is good apart from Him. The bastard pride is still there but the Lord is graciously stripping it away by no doing of my own. He is gracious and He is faithful and He cares in the midst of the hurt and the pain. He sits beside me in my battle to not be bitter and jaded. It's a battle I simply can not win out of my own strength or merit. I'm hopeless and lost without Him. I know this more now than ever and for that I am so very thankful. There is still wreckage and pieces thrown every which way but He is faithful.

The other day my kid did something and I started to say something like "if you don't obey Mommy can't protect you". It's the ole we give you rules to protect you line. My words got stuck in my throat. He obeyed me and went to class and I most certainly did not protect him. The stupid umbrella analogy for parenting is so bunk. If you obey then you are under God's umbrella of protection. Bunk! When I was out from this so called umbrella I can look back and see how the Lord protected me regardless of my crazy ways. Did my rebellion cause me more grief and heartache? You better believe it and I think that's the point that stupid analogy is trying to make. Sometimes you are standing under the umbrella and the crap still smacks you down and wounds the hell out of you. Whether or not we are "obedient" has nothing to do with it. Horrible crap happens to so many people who love Jesus. It's all over the Psalms. God gives rain to the wicked and the righteous. Good things happen regardless of obedience and awful crap happens regardless of obedience. The umbrella analogy doesn't work because when the s hits the fan and we've been striving to be good obedient faithful Christians we grow bitter that the umbrella didn't protect us. Good and evil falls upon the wicked and righteous alike. Yet, there's one thing the wicked do not have. They do not have a rock when the crap hits. I have found my treasure. Nothing in this crazy world is comparable to my God. Nothing. Why then do I strive so hard here when I already have the thing that's most valuable. The only thing that matters? It's because I'm fickle and I so easily get entrenched in the here and now. I'm not a long term view kinda girl. I'm a here and now kinda gal. Oy!

I've rambled enough. Thankful for Jesus. Thankful for All Sons and Daughters.

Psalms 23:
Jesus I so desperately need you to restore my soul.


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Monday, June 06, 2016

ALEXA How Dare You?

It's feels like 12am. I guess that's what happens when you get up like a normal person. Sleep was a word longed for last night but was shattered by a kid with an ear infection and the gasses. I love all the fun language my children have brought into my life such as "the gasses".

Speaking of language ALEXA brought the mother of all words into our home today in a song. I shut her down immediately by one of my children thought it would be awesome to try out the fbomb and yell it over and over again in our living room. AWESOME. Thankful the other two sweet boys who were in our home today had not yet come over yet. New rules about non parent approved songs have now been issued. I'm really torn on this new land of secular music. I have a deep love of music but I know kids who don't understand lyrics can sing the most atrocious songs. I don't want to go off on a cd burning warpath but I also want my kids to be able to pick out the lies in certain songs and be able to discern if they should be filling their minds with junk. You can't unlearn a song with awful lyrics. So want them to learn better than I on how to not be stained by the world. It's stain is all over me. This in the world but not of the world is no easy feat. God gives us wisdom. I love music and my oldest longs to try new and wonderful music. Give us wisdom on how to show her the beauty of true art, creativity and most importantly worship in music.

Thankful for the sweet knuckleheads who joined mine today. Glad that they don't grow tired or weary of each other.

Psalms 104:
May this be true of our family -
"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. May my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the Lord."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭104:33-34‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Lord your works are wonderful!!! How my heart marvels at your creation.


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Sunday, June 05, 2016

I HEART Melatonin!

1. Nobody woke up till 9am. Maybe crazy late bedtimes have some perks.

2. This week we have an extra tag along. It's gonna be painful when he gets dropped off at 7:30 all week long. Eek!

3. Everybody was asleep before ten except for Mudgey. Most everyone was sawing logs before 9:30. I heart melatonin!

4. Thankful for time at the pool with a sweet friend and her clan. Wish we could have chilled and chatted but first public pool visit was a bit silly with my three small frys. One wanted to be at the baby pool, one wanted to be in the big pool, and a certain momma didn't want to be in the pool past 6 because it got cold. It was a beautiful evening, out of the pool. The decision to go swim diaper free was not a good one. Thankfully the deed was done twice outside of the pool. Oh the wonderful stories to tell some day of cleaning out a swimsuit in a toilet. Holla!

5. I think Holla! might be my word for the summer. It makes me giggle and it's a bit obnoxious which makes me laugh some more.

6. I know there is more but I have had a stubborn sinus headache all day trying to eat up my eyeball. Extra hard to think.

James 1:
"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."
‭‭James‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭ESV‬‬

This verse actually reminds me of a talk I had with one of my middles either yesterday or today. He prayed the sinners prayer with me. It's a big/little deal to me. I don't know what I think about the sinners prayer per say. I know this kid's heart is soft but of how enticing that flesh can be to follow. I follow mine every single day. But to reflect that every good thing comes from the Father, as enticing as the flesh is, it never ever leads to good. Even the Lord can turn what is evil and use it and transform it to beauty. He is good all the time.

7. My littlest big boy started a domino effect of kids taking a swim test. The two who were inspired by him passed. He however did not. Hard as a parent to comfort one and celebrate another all in the same moment. He's a great kid and has taken it in stride.

God thank you for these crazy kids. I'm so incredibly blessed by them!

Thank you for my hubs. It's so fun to do life with my BFF.

Thankful for Jesus. I'm lost without Him.

Thankful for the gift of friends.

Not thankful for the need for an alarm but thankful I can use one to get up on time.


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Saturday, June 04, 2016

Costco On Saturday Holla!

I feel like I can conquer the world right now. I made it through a Costco run sans hubs on Saturday with seven minions. The kids even got a compliment about being the most well behaved children the person had ever seen. The people of Costco must have been off today. Not a single open mouth stare or idiotic remark. Will the wonders ever cease?

The bed ridden zombie boy arose late morning and resumed living. I have no clue what kind of funk we have but its mean mean mean but thankfully only lasts around 36 hours. Both boys were so weak I had to walk them into the bathroom when they were in the thick of it. I've been popping vitamin c like candy in hopes I can avoid 36 hours of misery. 

Had hoped to make it to church in the am but I still have kiddos awake and I imagine nobody would be upset to miss out on the fun we might still be packing. Paul faded fast tonight with complaints of a headache which has been how the second two victims went down. We'll see what adventures await us in the morning. 

Thankful for a sweet friend who is in the midst of her own need for encouragement who brought us dinner today. She also brought us non gmo corn tortilla chips which I didn't know even existed anymore. I thought all the corn was tainted at this point but alas this is not the case! It makes me want to do a happy corn chip jig.

I've been achy off and on again lately and can't figure out exactly why. I even woke up feeling pretty swollen. I thought dairy was causing it since I was going through an ice cream kick. I've been pretty good with the ole dairy lately though. Wondering if it's almonds. :-/ I've been eating almond butter more. I'm not doing Whole 30 right now per say but trying to avoid sugar as much as I can and beefing up real foods. I'm going to be really bummed if almonds are the culprit. Boo!! Boo to the queen of rubbish!

Mudgey is finally starting to get this crawling thing down. He's not supposed to be doing things like that already. I swear I just had him three months ago! I think this kid is going to be of the wild ass variety. It's okay. If he's the baby anything he does will be completely perfect! He is such a fun kid already. 

Thankful for many things today. 
- Sane trips to gianormous food stores
- a hard working man
- kids who beamed at a compliment today
- a kid fired up that I wrote down his upcoming week in a notebook complete with boxes to check. He wanted to start today. Huh? I guess the love of checking the box starts young. Hoping this will help curb some of this child's frustration with my scatteredness and give him a blueprint he wants.
- thankful for mud pies that didn't get too out of hand. I didn't have children of the mud kind of patience in the tank today. 
- thankful for a great blog post sent by a friend. Might need to circle back on my thoughts about it tomorrow. 
- I'm not thankful for swimsuit season but I am thankful that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I just need to keep remembering that.

Psalm 117:
Smiled when I saw this -
The Lord's Faithfulness Reigns Forever. 

Incredibly short Psalm but how great to be reminded and dwell on how great and faithful the Lord is to His people.

"Praise the Lord, all nations! Extol him, all peoples! For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!"
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭117:1-2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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Thursday, June 02, 2016

No Shenanigans

1. I am overjoyed at no bedtime shenanigans this evening. Granted my bigs still went to bed way too late BUT the crazy was absent tonight. So thankful!

2. Got into it with one of my boys this evening. It's awesome arguing with a child as an adult. The will is indeed strong in these wonderful stinkpots. Redeemed for the Lord it's a wonderful thing. It's actually a really good quality considering the world today. However, it's a brutal dying to self every single day. It's ugly people! The beauty in the sparring was rational hashing it out and compassion on the flip side. If that kid doesn't believe you are for him forget about it. I need to remember that. I need to remind him in the midst of the harder parts of parting that I am indeed for him. Knowing the Lord is for me in the midst of crazy has been the only thing that has gotten me through sometimes.

3. Bit fell asleep early this evening. It was like sweet mercy from heaven. I adore that child but she truly is like a handful of children. She is nonstop into mischief all day long. Her new trick is taking off her own poopy diaper. Yeah not so awesome. All that little stinker has to do is tilt her head to the side, flash me a smile and giggle and it keeps me from throwing her across the sky because I melt almost every time. If she teaches Mudge that trick I'm in so much trouble.

4. I'm thankful that after a talk about screaming my four year old did not shriek and scream so loudly today. My bleeding ears might actually have a chance to heal.

5. I adore this crazy group of kids. Insanely thankful tonight as they are all asleep.

6. Mudgey is ten months today. No stinking way. I'm so thankful for that sweet baby. Oh how he has lived up to his name and been such a sweet precious comfort.

Proverbs 2:
"For the upright will inhabit the land, and those with integrity will remain in it, but the wicked will be cut off from the land, and the treacherous will be rooted out of it."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭2:21-22‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Come quickly Lord Jesus!


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Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Anal Retentive Organizer

1. Went to help organize and clean RPL. Realizing I can be really anal about certain things. I like symmetry a lot. Maybe because I feel so all over the place and distracted all the time symmetry makes me happy. It's funny though on the shapes personality test I have a hard time dealing with squares and triangles. They feel very suffocating to me. How much more symmetrical can you get than a square?? I don't make any sense.

2. My dang kids were up till almost 12am tonight. What the heck crazies!?!? I treated them with frosties for being awesome and helping to serve at RPL but it must have been made out of crack. I have got to get us on a better schedule!!!! Watching a neighbors kiddo all next week so hopefully that will help get us back on track.

3. I really do love RPL. I feel like I'm getting my opportunity to do the thing I would be doing if my kids were going to public school. It's so refreshing to get out of the Christian bubble. The families are super sweet but some are so lost. Praying for more opportunity to build relationship and have opportunity to love, serve and share the gospel. My oldest is right in there already asking her friends really good questions. Love love love that girl and so stinking proud of her! I don't think about it much but I think just getting to know our neighbors and loving on them hopefully is rubbing off on our kids. I know we could be getting after it even more but today I feel encouraged that the Lord is taking my meager fish and loaves of bread and multiplying it. So thankful.

4. I was a grumpy turd again tonight. I never got away after the last long stretch and so I really do think my turddom has everything to do with being quiet deprived. Looking forward to carving out a day or at least a half a day with nobody but me and Jesus and quiet.

Proverbs 1:
Never has this verse been more crystal clear. Oh my heart aches over the foolish arrogance that is so prevalent these days.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Sitting in these Proverbs I feel so much peace about what is ahead for our country. It grieves me and yet God will be given glory either through the turning of hearts or through discipline and justice. I understand more and more why the prophets would weep over the condition of the hearts of the people. How long oh Lord will innocent blood be shed in our country? How long oh Lord would broken families, sex trafficking, the LBGT movement harm the youth of today. My heart weeps for this future generation. Give us clean hands oh God. Give us pure hearts. May we no longer lift our souls to another. Wake us up oh Lord and let us be a generation that seeks your face. May these seven children that you have blessed us with walk with you passionately. May we help to point out children to you and may you be our strength in our many weaknesses as parents. May they see us broken and in desperate need for you oh Lord. May they come and see that you are better than anything this world has to offer. May they see that you are their portion and their strength. May they treasure their relationship with you above anything else.


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