Sunday, July 31, 2016

Looks Like We Made It

Well we survived family this weekend. I'm feeling at a loss on what to do now if anything. Burdened for Les's niece. The sadness in that girl is so very deep.

Still mulling over lots of Jesus stuff. I want a formula but the heart is not formulaic. Throw in different gifting, personality, struggle and experiences and a formula simply won't cut it. A + B doesn't equal Jesus. It's just Jesus. It always has been and it always will.

Thankful again for more food and coffee from precious friends.

Psalm 149 and out. Still craaaaaaazzzy exhausted.


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Saturday, July 30, 2016

We Are But A Vapor

Attending a funeral when you are middle aged is quite the wake up call on how much we truly are but a vapor. Without Christ everything truly is meaningless. Oh Lord I often get caught up and entangled in the meaninglessness of life. Please give me eyes to see the eternal.

So much and yet so exhausted. Family can be so hard. Praying even when my children have families of their own that home is a safe place.

Psalm 2 and bed.


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Friday, July 29, 2016

In The Mess With Me

Today I got loved on by friends who cooked, cleaned and watched kids for me in preparation for family coming in town. Humbling to have people help you clean up your mess. Struggled with the evil one who tried to claim the morning by pelting me with shame and guilt. These sweet friends already have lots on their own plates and yet chose to sit in my mess with me. Chose to take thoughts captive and remember the truth that if you don't let people love you then you can't really give love. Got choked up multiple times this morning. Thankful for being known and loved by the sweet women God has placed in my life.

Thankful that time with in laws is going well so far. My niece asked if she could come to the store with me tonight to get shoes for one of my boys. As we were leaving my bigs got wind of it and begged to go. I was hacked about missing out on what seemed like a great opportunity when bigs was extra chatty and super hyper. On the way, it hit me though that God knew my hyper bigs would be thrown into the mix. Her silliness might be exactly what was needed. Thankful the Lord showed me that because had He not I was have grown increasingly frustrated at the store but instead got to laugh along with the crazy. Oh that girl is so my daughter. I see lots of silliness and laughs in our future.

Hurting for the other sweet girl who went to the store tonight. She seems to be carrying around so much sadness and hurt. Praying for opportunity.

Overall so much to be thankful for. Thankful for friends who are flexible with standing commitments and for sweet friends in pain but willing to clean my mess. Thankful for the small army that blessed me today. Thankful for Jesus who loves us always right through our mess. He loves all of us even those of us who are still running for Him.

Psalms 1:
Interesting psalm to read before a funeral. God help us be salt and light and not be ashamed to share the gospel with those you have placed in our lives.


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Thursday, July 28, 2016

Time To Reboot

I don't know what the heck is going on with my body but I most definitely need a system reboot. Dizziness, weak muscles, numbness and tingling have been kicking my rear today. I ordered a blood sugar monitor yesterday simply so I can start ruling some stuff out. What I think feels like low blood sugar may not be low blood sugar at all. Eh. Hurray for midlife body crisis.

To make things more spectacular I've been an angry troll this evening. So many things have snowballed and there is laundry vomited up all over our house and so many other things completely out of sorts. I'm hacked that my children and my body is not cooperating with me!!!! I feel a desperation to get things in order probably less for family coming in town tomorrow but because I know chaos is coming and dang it my body is on strike.

Psalm 58:
"Mankind will say, "Surely there is a reward for the righteous; surely there is a God who judges on earth.""
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭58:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Kind of a dark psalm. No warm fuzzies here. Been dwelling on heaven a lot in light of so many friends suffering. I'm terrified to be face to face with the Lord and yet I simply can not wait to be home.


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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Winged Devil

Well I saw the winged devil today in my garden. I'm pretty confident they will appear with huge stingers during the Apocalypse. Thankful to my hubs who razor bladed all the evil grub babies of the wing beast out of our squash plant. I'm bitter but next year we WILL have a bumper crop of summer squash. Winged Devil you are going down!!!

Blessed by sweet scheming friends who desire to bless me and my family and help get us prepared for Les's family to come in town Friday. It's already going to be a stressful situation due to family dynamics so thankful for sweet friends who want to feed us this weekend and help me clean in the midst of their own hectic schedules and struggles. Crazy blessed.

Feel really off today. Wondering if the funky virus we got a couple weeks ago is making a repeat visit. Les felt hit by it again several days ago and I'm really weak at the knees today too. It's a really weird bug. At least I'm crossing my fingers it's a virus or maybe it's hookworms.

Got lost in a costume worm hole. I think all said and done the kids will need ten all together. Excuse me while I faint. Thankfully Abbie already has an old school nightgown so that's at least one crossed off the list. I'll go into costume mode on Monday. Gotta get through this weekend first.

A sweet friend sent a pretty stellar devo to me today. It actually ties in really well with a talk I was having with another friend last night about bearing with one another. I think it put a good finger on the magic formula I've been using over the years that has produced a prideful heart. It's pretty simple. Self justification = judgement. So pondering this tonight.

"I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world. And for their sake I consecrate myself, that they also may be sanctified in truth." John 17:14-19

All of John 17 is pretty beautiful. Jesus and the Father remaining in each other and the body of Christ doing the same. Self justification grieves the Lord because if we start imposing "laws of righteousness" on each other and judging each other how can we be unified together as Jesus calls us to be. We've been given the gift of each other. Father help me to bear with my brothers and sisters that you have given me with love, grace, joy and thanksgiving.


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Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Dude You Brought My Check Too Early

Was going to eat a GF pizzookie tonight but the waiter brought the check too early. Must have been "a message from the Lord". Seriously the bottomless pit these days. Crazy hormones are AWESOME.

Exhausted so bullet points again.

1. Took smalls to pool today while bigs were at Veebs. It was easier and harder to just have the littles. Thankful to still have physical sweet glimpses into the way it used to be. That glimpse won't last forever.

2. Saw a precious itty bitty tonight. I always joke about how holding a newborn is the real reason why I get pregnant. No baby fever here though. My ovaries must have shriveled up. Actually I think I'm still in shock that MY baby is one in a week. I swear I just popped that kid out!!! He's quite the pill like his youngest older sister but just like her he's sweet as pie. Thankful for that little dude.

3. Struggling big time with one of my minions. Every single thing is such a battle these days and if I say the sky is blue then this kid says its purple. Need to spend some serious time pleading for the Lord to help guide us as we parent this kiddo.

4. Night out with friends. It was good but so hard to be in a big group these days. I want to sit by everyone and get caught up and soak them in but it's just not possible. I need a week of tonight's so I can get caught up with everyone. That would be a lot of pizzookie! Love the Body of Christ though!!!

Titus 1:
Qualifications to be an Elder.


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Monday, July 25, 2016

I HEART Procrastination!

1. My mind is so full of so much. It would probably do we good to try to download it but I already wrote a crazy novel yesterday and I'm too wired to think properly.

2. Lots of to do's with family coming to our completely trashed house Friday, getting kids ready to go script free for RPL on Weds (EEK!!!), VBS and getting clothes gathered for a funeral. Really wanted this week to be spent hanging with my littles while bigs were gone instead of running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Think I'm going to press on and go with original plans for Tuesday and push at least the non play crazy off for another day. I heart procrastination.

3. Squirrel!

4. Oh my gosh my to do list!

5. Who cares? I'll deal with it on Friday. :)

Chewing on lots of things here. Good stuff.


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Sunday, July 24, 2016

Heathen Saved By Grace

We're just growing a few measly plants but I love this gardening business. I love the temporary escape of pulling weeds, picking off bugs and stressing over my zucchini plant. I'm pretty confident the evil SVB's got to it despite picking off eggs. Good lesson learned about either planting bait squash OR planting much earlier. Maybe I'm a bit obsessed but look at the flower above. It's amazing to me. How much have we lost by being completely disconnected from the food we eat. It's "convenient" to buy our food at a store but oh how I've missed out on the wonder and constant reminders that the Lord is the one who makes things grow. Buying meat packaged in styrofoam containers or plastic pouches makes it easy to buy and eat without thinking twice about the blood shed to provide that meat. There's so much lost for the sake of convenience. Not going to throw the baby out with the bath water though. Don't you mess with my microwave!

There's been an uptick in creativity in our house lately. Creativity breeds creativity. It's beautiful really. I've been thinking about this creative snowball effect and I've also been thinking about how a lot of creative communities are so incredibly lost. They are amazing and wonderful people but lost as can be. They are so close to it too. God is so incredibly creative  but it's completely missed. I blame my mom brain and my ADD tendencies for never reading the book "How Then Shall We Live". I know it's a great one to read in the homeschool world. Heck I think it's probably one of those books all Christians should read. Regardless today I can't help but wonder why Christianity doesn't penetrate the artistic world like it once did? I know these areas can be dark and treacherous but do we shy away from because we are afraid to shine light into dark places or have we failed to value the creativity in our creative kids and helped them become all that the Lord has created them to be? It may be none of the above. But I can't help but wonder why Christian stuff is often done poorly and subpar to the rest of the world. Shouldn't it be the best out there? We after all have insight into the most Creative Creator of all. I think there's far too much time spent on trying to clean the outside of the cup instead of allowing the Lord to clean the inside.

Speaking of the Lord allowing things to grow and clean the inside, I need to shut up more with my kids. Not every single moment has to be a dang lecture or learning moment. If I'll shut my dang mouth and model things with my own life and trust the Lord with my kids and seize on other moments to teach it will all be okay. If my kid is spilling their guts it's not an opportunity to tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Nobody freaking likes that. I need to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice especially with my own peeps.

Back to RPL. I'm having one of those kind of nights. I need to confess that I don't do all my Christianese talk when at RPL. I'm not afraid to talk about God and have but I gotta admit I don't want to be put into the nutjob Christian group immediately. Christians can be freakshows and I don't mean that in a mean spirited way. We have our own weird talk and often we are just weird! We try to act like we are set apart but on the inside we are just as heathen as everybody else. Can't we just admit that? We are not as "solid" as we all like to think that we are. What we really are is a bunch of freaking heathens saved by the blood of the lamb. Let us not forget this!!! I am not counted as righteous due to a single (insert explicit of your choice) thing that I can do or muster on my own. I am counted righteous because Jesus died a horrible painful gruesome death for my sake. To make things even more classic I was too much of a freaking idiot to choose Jesus on my own. HE CHOSE ME!!!!! So no, I don't want to be lumped with the other people who think they have it all together or who cling to false humility. I want to be with the rest of the heathens because at least they are honest. 

Pondering a quote that I saw today that I probably should really think about considering I called some of my brothers and sisters freakshows. 

If we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to one another.  Mother Theresa

I'm sure some of this is a tiny bit whack but in the believer realm we do really all belong to the Body of Christ. If I would view my brothers and sisters through that lens really there would be more peace. We are individuals but at the same time we are one. It's very much like the Trinity except we are a bunch of jacked up selfish sinners. Good times. 

Really fired up tonight. Need to air my grievances before the Lord because I know He cares for me.

2 Corinthians 6:
Mind blown. 

"Dear, dear Corinthians, I can't tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn't fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren't small, but you're living them in a small way. I'm speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!"
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭6:11-13‬ ‭MSG‬‬


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Saturday, July 23, 2016


Great weekend. Thankful for many things. So fun to watch my kids tonight.

Hoping those kids will sleep tonight.

Proverbs 23:
"The father of godly children has cause for joy. What a pleasure to have children who are wise. So give your father and mother joy! May she who gave you birth be happy."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23:24-25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Praying that our children will bring us great joy knowing that they are walking closely with the Lord.


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Friday, July 22, 2016

Adrenaline Junkies

First night of Seussical went well. I didn't get to watch it but fun to hear the kids outside the theatre and the audience respond. It was a marathon day but so much fun. It has been a blast seeing my kids get to use some of their talent on stage. Love seeing how pumped they are before and after a performance. I'm sure somehow RPL is feeding the adrenaline junkie in each of us. Just yesterday I would have said this is so not worth it and tonight the words out of my mouth are "it was so worth it!!!" Oh how perspective changes everything. Yet again another great reminder that in the midst of the difficulty we can't possibly imagine that on the other side we would ever say that was worth the heartache and the sorrow. Sometimes we might never say it was worth it but we can look back and see how the Lord made it beautiful.

There is a stomach bug rolling around the cast of Seussical probably passed on from us. Eek! It really got my bigs upset. In the height of her anxiety and after praying with her she said that God must have a plan in all of it. The sweetest most beautiful words. I can stink at lots of things when it comes to parenting but I hope and pray that they see how I desire to follow and trust God even in the dark painful places. May they see that our imperfections can be the very thing that draws us closest to Christ.

Giddy about seeing the Brownie six pack perform tomorrow night!

Proverbs 22:
"True humility and fear of the LORD lead to riches, honor, and long life."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭22:4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Humility and fear of the Lord is quite the combination. Lord I pray with fear and trembling but I pray you continue to root out the pride that is so pervasive in my heart. I thank you and praise you for your never ending faithfulness.


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Thursday, July 21, 2016


I got nothing today. Politics are depressing, heart is hurting for many friends and nothing much to report over here.

I've been researching meat rabbits, on the lookout for a female lop, and obsessing over my zucchini plant. I don't think it's going to make it. On the outside it looks great but it's stems underneath tell a different story. I'm positive there is a spiritual analogy I could pull out but eh. I think this gardening project will be good for me. I want something to freaking grow but it seems that gardening is filled with failure and successes. Sometimes your kids grow potatoes effortlessly and other times things can be done just right and things still go south due to unforeseen events. I do think the Lord has some object lessons ahead of me. I don't think I'm necessarily going to like what is revealed through this zucchini plant. Ultimately I do desire to bear good fruit in season.

Proverbs 21:
That darn proud heart of mine!

"Haughty eyes, a proud heart, and evil actions are all sin."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭21:4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"No human wisdom or understanding or plan can stand against the LORD."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭21:30‬ ‭NLT‬‬



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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

You're The Biggest Dang Fool In The City of Nool

Seussical songs are stuck on repeat in my head. There is some irony to my children being in a musical since I feel like there is a live musical that constantly plays in the backdrop of my life. I used to constantly sing to my children, so much so that I would forget where I was and continue straight into a store. Hmm... I should use that technique at the Costco. Then people wouldn't question my sanity they would flat out have their answer. 

Today I'm thankful for seeing my hambones on stage even if just for a few minutes. They are pretty great. 

Thankful for a hubs who goes to Tom Thumb and makes delicious summer meals. I don't know why feeding my family feels like such an insurmountable task. Definitely in a huge meal rut. Maybe ruts are good though. 

Trying to be thankful for good health. Wait a minute, I AM thankful for good health. Brain fog, dizziness and exhaustion have come back with a vengeance though. My friend Mr. Numbness is back too. Looking forward to my heaven body sans the autoimmune fun. I guess it makes everyday a new adventure and possibility. Who doesn't like an adventure??

Proverbs 20:
I really like this verse. I want to be this kind of person.

"Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20:5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I feel like my poor kids often have to deal with a scatter brained Momma who walks around in circles. I so want to be a godly example to them. I do love them so but rather imperfectly.

Okay I think I need this put on my forehead. I LOVE it!

"The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20:24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Banking on this!
"The glory of the young is their strength; the gray hair of experience is the splendor of the old."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭20:29‬ ‭NLT‬‬


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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Drink Till Its Pink

I'm still insanely exhausted after crashing around 8:30 last night and waking up around 8:30 this morning. It wasn't uninterrupted sleep but still!!! I'm so prop my eyes open with sticks tired and hide your children hide your wife exhausted I took a pregnancy test. I didn't think it was feasibly possible but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd drink a marg to celebrate the single pink line.

It's not unusual for me to be tired or exhaustipated but this is extra special.

Proverbs 19:
I feel like some of the proverbs could have my picture under them. This is so me -

"Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Here's another good one for this lady!

"Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This has caused me temporary grief but ultimately I'm so thankful the Lord's plans are much greater than my own.

"You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Thankful for a child who knows me well and served me despite my grumpy disposition today. What a treasure she is.

Thankful for a precious boy who cleaned the mess of my room thanks to the toddler tornado. He cleans it with such a joyful heart. What a treasure that boy is.

Thankful for my boy who dances to the beat of his own drum who sanctifies me daily and draws me closer to Christ.

Thankful for an amazing hubs who is willing to brush out a wild mane. He has no idea just how much healing it brings to this Momma's heart.

Thankful for two precious little girls who twirl and like to wear fancy dresses together and make lots of messes. What a joy to have a house with little girls again.

Thankful for a passionate boy who loves hard and attacks life with vigor and intensity. Oh how he sharpens my heart and has taught me how to view life through a different lens. Thankful for that precious boy.

Thankful for our littlest who is all boy and makes me giggle when he growls. He brings joy to our entire household and I can't wait till hear all the silly things that one day come out of his mouth. I am so blessed!

Thankful to be able to drink margs if I so choose but so thankful for every double lined pregnancy test I've seen over the years. Some have made me cry but I'm so thankful the Lord's ways are so much better than my own. I'm crazy blessed even in the mess.

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Monday, July 18, 2016

Me Thinks I'll Put Myself To Bed

I'm exhausted and grumpy so I'm putting myself to bed. Struggling to keep my eyes open.

Proverbs 18:
Oh Lord let me not be a fool.

"Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬


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Sunday, July 17, 2016

Face In My Face

Woke up to my boys face in my face. He was patiently waiting for me to wake up so he could get the alarm code and play with the bunny. The bunny is quite traumatized by all the affection and may win the title of Bunny Curmudgeon. 

Still crazy tired and needing time to gather thoughts and make plans to organize our lives. Maybe getting to bed before 12am might be a start. Me and this self care thing are going to go round and round. Bleh. I wish brownie sundaes equaled self care. 

If I'm honest I really don't feel like writing this tonight. Feeling incredibly melancholy today after discovering more police officers were shot. That combined with election news makes me feel incredibly depressed about the future of America. Thankful that ultimately my hope is not found in what happens in this country. It does kinda make me want to live off the grid though. 

1 Corinthians 2:
So much awesomeness so little brain power. 

Love this about God!
"But people who aren't spiritual can't receive these truths from God's Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them and they can't understand it, for only those who are spiritual can understand what the Spirit means."
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭2:14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I feel like we are seeing more and more of this as the days get darker. How beautiful light is when its darkest.


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Saturday, July 16, 2016

Operation Homestead

1. So much in my head that I need to try to process and plow through. Hopefully this week will provide some time to do that.

2. Project Homestead is well underway. Two garden boxes planted and one new to us bunny that will provide wonderful fertilizer for our garden. Eventually we will add a female and will find out if we truly are like rabbits. Gotta admit this little dude is super cute.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Body Of Christ

Lots of moving from one thing to the next. Wonderfully exhausted.

1. So thankful for the Body of Christ. I love people and I love discovering how people are wired and created. It's beautiful. It's a shame when we expect everyone to think just like we do. Collectively we represent more of the whole character of the Lord. Really awestruck by it all tonight.

2. Saw a sweet friend in her element today. So fun to discover the hidden talents of those that I love.

3. Saw a sweet family today at VBS who I know is in the throes of hardship and grief. Grief can wrap its tentacles around every single situation in life. How desperately I wanted to wrap my arms around each of them. There can be so much beauty in pain but this side of heaven is so difficult.

4. Getting a bunny tomorrow. It begins!

5. #fingfreedom

Proverbs 16:
So much good words here. Reminded though that the Lord is the one who guides our steps and who tests our motives.

"People may be pure in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their motives."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Thursday, July 14, 2016

Oh Man!

1. Brain overload. I need a month of time to think and process. Veebs plus RPL has equaled crazy. I'm still functioning on the low side. I think this has always been true but I could skate by in life. Too many bodies and more importantly mouths to feed and mouths that talk and make noises. I am getting pretty fired up about the fall.

2. So many emotions about the racial tone of our country. I have realized that I'm more aware of race now than I ever have. Not sure if that's good or bad. Just makes my heart hurt. Ready for heaven.

3. Excited about a tiny bell pepper growing in our garden and frustrated at finding evil SVB eggs on my zucchini plant. They destroyed our pumpkin vines and I fear I'm not going to be diligent or detail oriented enough to get all the eggs.

4. Having a hard time trusting the Lord in His provision for dental work and testing. Really I think testing for two would be beneficial. Then I wonder if not testing is better. I truly see benignity to both. Really if I was brave and bold enough to completely give the existing educational system the finger testing wouldn't matter much. At least I don't think??? Just sucks to see your kid struggle.

5. First round of play costumes need to be made this weekend. This time the hair and make up seem the most overwhelming. Go figure.

6. I'm so tired.

1 Corinthians 1:
These verses are so beautiful

"Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important."
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭1:27-28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

All Is Right

Writing this while listening to my beloved play. To me it's very much like watching my kids in their element except that it's my hubs in his element. So maybe it's a lot like watching someone you love in their element plus some teenage heartthrob. I am president of his fan club after all. 

Good day but busy. Veebs plus play practice. I have bitten off more than I can chew but kids are loving it. I can deal with six weeks of insanity right? I don't reckon I'll ever do two plays at once ever again but I've learned to never say never. I do know lots of activity is not good for my heart. Mainly it's because it leads to chaos because I'm not naturally organized or functional. I could pull it off with three kids but not with our bigger crew. The chaos with their chaos is not doable. 

1 Cor 1:
"To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints together with all those who in every place call upon the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, both their Lord and ours:"
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭1:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬

It's way too late. In a horrible caffeine cycle. This Meemaw doesn't do well with fuel after 12 but caught in a vicious cycle currently. 

Sanctification is rather difficult and can be painful. Love the idea of Jesus sanctifying me. He is so gentle and kind.


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Monday, July 11, 2016


My bigs is singing Landslide by Fleetwood Mac in Alice In Paris. This is appropriately stuck in my head.

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Took my biggest to Veebs this morning. Two had to fight anxiety. Anxiety is an evil beast because you can actually start to become anxious about feeling anxious. It's a cycle for these two kids as well. We prayed and Jesus was so gracious in the courage He gave and in the sweet provision. It's been the gracious provision I need to have courage to face the things I do not want to face. 

This weekend away was supposed to be restful and tank filling. I don't know if I would call it either. I loved time with my friends and it was so good to be away from my children but it wasn't the Costa Rica rest I was hoping for. That's not exactly the kind of rest I wanted but I wanted to come back rejuvenated. So I guess I did "rest" and my tank was filled in many ways but I wasn't rejuvenated. Instead a spotlight was shown into my broken areas. Really I don't think I would have seen them if not for all that has transpired the last couple years. This is just a season of stripping away. It's painful and difficult but I see the beauty in all of it. In the mess Jesus is there. I realize more than ever that He's okay with the mess and when I experience growth or change its simply because of His grace. He doesn't need me to change but He is faithful to change me because of His great love for me. 

I've lived under the false pretenses of thinking I needed to get my crap together so that I could glorify Christ. Really all that results in is self glorification. It's a small twist of the truth. It's rooted and grounded in self reliance and dammit I love to be self reliant. I think this next season will be more of a stripping away of self reliance. It's necessary and it's time. 

This is dead on for me.
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you

I have built my life around being independent and self reliant. As long as I continue to build my life around self reliance I will never be fully intimate with anyone even the Lord. This weekend the Lord has graciously extended His healing hand to me and is beckoning me out of the cess pool of self reliance. 

Self reliance has kept me blinded to the fact that I've been an addict my whole life and I've never known it. I knew I had an addictive personality but today it's very clear to me that it's not a personality I'm just an addict. I don't say that tongue in cheek like I'm a sugar addict as I shove peanut m&m's compulsively in my mouth. I am an addict. My lack of self care is not because I'm a self made martyr it's because I'm an addict and my mind has made the pathways that an addict makes. Feelings of unworthiness and worthlessness has contributed to an overall lack of self care. I grew up believing that I wasn't worth protecting so it's not shocking that I grew up not taking care of myself. The problem is that everyone has basic needs and when i don't take care of those needs with good and healthy choices the addict kicks in. Lack of self care feeds addiction and has led to the creation of my idol of comfort. It's by God's grace that I no longer reach for the self destructive vices that I once did. Instead I reach for the socially acceptable vices. It's not just about whether or not I medicate with sugar or nicotine or crack it's about the condition of my heart. Frankly it's still pretty broken. Apart from the last two years I would have taken pride in the cleaned up appearance of the mess. I will always be my type b ADD kind of a mess but I was climbing out of the pit of crazy town or so I thought. Just because something looks pretty functional doesn't mean that it is. Addiction can hide in the most put together kind of messes. 

So after a glorious weekend away at therapy with some pretty amazing women I realize I'm back at step one. My life is unmanageable and frankly it always will be unmanageable. I will continue to do the things I don't want to do and not do the things I want to do. Plain and simple the answer to my problems is the Trinity. I can't work a program, stand on my head,  pull myself up by my boots straps, just stop being an asshole, muster enough self discipline or change myself. I can not change myself. I've probably tried changing myself most of my life but I can't do it and it's a lie to believe that God is sitting there waiting for me to pull myself together. What will change me is resting in the one who knows me better than anyone else. Cease striving and simply remain. Apart from Jesus I can do nothing. 

More on the specific areas I believe I am a dry addict in later. Exhausted from too many late nights. I do plan on changing up my email/journal in the upcoming days. I know the infection of the soul can't be pretty and I'll need space and freedom to write even the darkest and rawest of things. 

Hebrews 4:
"Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help."
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4:14-16‬ ‭MSG‬‬

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Good weekend. Hard in many ways that were completely unexpected. Lots of wonderful talk on all kinds of things but definitely a therapy weekend. Felt anxiety melt away this morning but tonight I'm feeling so triggered that I kinda feel nuts.

Feeling so much compassion right now for those who struggle with anxiety on a daily basis. I know Jesus can give peace that surpasses all understanding AND I know that Jesus sits in the midst of anxiety with people but this is not "I don't trust you enough Jesus" anxiety. It just is and people who live day in and day out this way without the help of meds are much stronger than I. I would much rather be dead. Hoping this is not my new normal.

Something deep was triggered in me this weekend. In many ways I'd love to shove it back down and bury it deep but I don't think that's an option nor do I think that is what is truly best. The freakish amount of anxiety surrounding it only points to the freedom that will be had once it is out and dealt with and the amount of spiritual warfare surrounding it. That bastard satan sure does delight in the chaos caused by sexual abuse. Well f@&$ him because Jesus wins.

Hebrews 4:
Read this morning but can't fully remember it all but it's about striving for rest. Seems like an oxymoron to strive for rest but I believe it must be strived for because it is so very important to our souls.

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Sunday, July 10, 2016

Therapy, Margaritas & Queso

Felt anxiety and fear grip me today as last night I dreamed one of our kids died. I think a lot has been stirred up in me this weekend. Too many similar stories of not remembering but knowing things are there and feeling as if Pandora's box of insanity will ensue if it's remembered. Thinking about it makes me want to say the F Bomb a hundred million times. Yep, that's totally the source of the fear and anxiety I've felt hovering over me today. Insert another thousand f bombs. Can't get ahead of myself. The Lord is loving and is gentle with His children. Where He leads I will follow. 

Now the pieces fit and why the Lord has asked me if I trust Him. I instantly go to my worst fear of loosing my husband or a child. I think that's why anxiety has landed there. But that's not what God is asking me to trust Him in. He is asking me if I'll trust Him in the darkest and scariest places.  The places most guarded and inaccessible without His help. 

"Be gracious to me, O Lord! See my affliction from those who hate me, O you who lift me up from the gates of death, that I may recount all your praises, that in the gates of the daughter of Zion I may rejoice in your salvation."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭9:13-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬


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Friday, July 08, 2016

I Don't Know

Lots of longing for heaven this weekend. Longing to be free completely from the entanglement of sin and worship the Lord with all of my brothers and sisters. All creation groans with deep longing for things to be set right again.

This is an interesting weekend. It's a much needed rest but it's also been filled with grief and many questions that simply may not be answered until I see Jesus face to face.

Today I got to write out all the things that I feel burdened by or that weigh heavy on my heart. It's not an exhaustive list by any stretch of the imagination but it's what I could hammer out semi quickly. Trust seemed to be the theme of the day. There is a sweet effortlessness that comes with fully trusting the Lord. There is a component to trusting the Lord that I think I stumble with the most and it's trusting myself. I don't trust myself and often I doubt. But isn't the Lord greater than the sum of my mistakes? Isn't self doubt just another form of being double minded? I don't know. Really maybe that's the theme of this weekend and this season of my life. I don't know what I thought I knew. I know the big picture but it's the flushing out of the big picture that I'm not sure about.

Thankful the Lord is patient.

Thankful the Lord is close to the broken hearted.

Philippians 1:
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬ ‭ESV‬‬


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Jesus In The Chaos

I have so much spinning around in my head right now. The one thing that stands out the most in all of it is that no matter how chaotic things may feel Jesus is in the chaos with us. Need to make a list that won't make sense so I can come back to hopefully flush some of it out.

1. Austin
2. Shooting
3. Sexual abuse / addiction
4. Not marching in the parade
5. They will get sick of you.

Jesus thank you that you are in the midst of our greatest sorrows. Thank you for grace and love and your pursuit of us in the cess pools of our own sin.

Thankful for Jesus.
Thankful for the blessing of friendship.
Thankful for God's protection.
Thankful for an amazing hubs.
Thankful for the blessing of 7 amazing children.
Thankful for time away.
Thankful that this is not the end of the story.
Thankful for a friend feeling better.
Praying for those wounded.

Psalm 7:
"End the evil of those who are wicked, and defend the righteous. For you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God. God is my shield, saving those whose hearts are true and right."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭7:9-10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Thursday, July 07, 2016

Money Trees Would Be The Bees Knees

1. Mind racing. Wish I could get it to shut off.

2. Excited to leave town with only one minion. Would be great to be leaving with my hubs but fired up to be with friends. Can. Not. Wait.

3. Need a mind reader for my boys. My biggest is an open book and I can get my oldest boy to talk but my middle boys can be so difficult for different reasons. Have to reschedule a testing date for one which pains me but at the same time trust in God's perfect timing. In some ways I'd be fine to just watch this kid slowly blossom on his own but I still have nagging thoughts. What if so and so would have done this or that if they had known they have X, Y and Z. For now I'm pretty sold on testing for one and possibly two but trusting in the Lord's provision and perfect timing.

Proverbs 7:

Lord etch your wisdom and your ways on the chambers of my heart.


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Tuesday, July 05, 2016

What's In Your Head?

So the song Lighting Crashes from Live is still in my head from last night which made me think of Zombie by The Cranberries which made me think of Where Is My Mind? by the Pixies. Where is my mind made me think about preparing to give birth to Noah. This is the mind of a person with ADD. Jealous? If only life could be pegged to music and everything would be perfect in my world. If I ever get Alzheimer's I'm confident I would respond well to music and remember lots of things. Hopefully nobody plays anything from the 90's though. I'm sure I could have spared everyone else that diatribe but all that "thinking" has left me with nothing else to really say.

1. Ate gluten yesterday and as awesome as my allergies were before they are RAGING WILD today. My friend Mr. Numbness, not to be confused with Mr. Tumnus, was extra special this morning. At least that's one autoimmune whack a mole that's easy enough.

2. Thankful for time at the pool with friends. I'm sure it didn't help allergies any but at least it provided a distraction and entertainment for the little people.

3. I think my hubs is a badass for sweating all weekend and building a fence. That man can do it all. Our boys are darn lucky to have a man like that for their Dad.

Colossians 4:
Love these and goes along with all the tumbling around thoughts in my head.

"Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone."
‭‭Colossians‬ ‭4:5-6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Please give me opportunity Lord and as Paul prays help me proclaim your message as clearly as I can.


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Monday, July 04, 2016

Lightening Crashes

Lightening out of nowhere scared the snot out of me tonight. Made me think of the time I needed to work something out and went to go run. As I was headed out the door it looked like a storm was brewing but I didn't care and went anyway. A street or two over a huge thunder clap and flash of lightening sent me running home. I was definitely wrestling with the Lord in that moment and He won. Makes me smile thinking about how patient and gracious the Lord has been to this stubborn and scrappy child.

Proud of my hubs and my boys for working their buns off this weekend. Fence almost done. Will be so fun to look out in the backyard and see what they built together. Makes me even more excited about getting land. Seeing their hard work and little beaming faces makes it worth missing time with friends tonight. Worth the sacrifices.

Today reminded to be thankful for freedom. It comes at a price and may not be something we are always blessed with.

Galatians 5:
Thank you Jesus for true freedom!!!

"For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God's grace."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:4‬ ‭NLT‬‬



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1. Thankful for getting to see, talk to and hug my Chinese friend. So so good to see her in person!!!

2. Thankful for holding a precious baby girl tonight. What a joy to take in the beauty of new life.

3. Thankful for a hard working man and watching my boys be big enough to help. They are really starting help verses "help". Fun to see their faces beam with pride over the man work they have accomplished.

4. Thankful for watching fireworks. They always inspire child like wonder and awe in me. I hope that will always be the case.

5. Thankful for friends to share this evening with.

6. Thankful for Jesus who carries all the hurts of those He loves. His yolk is easy and His burden is light. May Jesus comfort the hurting hearts of my precious friends.

Proverbs 3:
These verses never get old.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3:5-6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Lord help me not to lean on my own understanding but rather seek you and trust you.


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Saturday, July 02, 2016


The year of the homestead has officially begun! I feel like I should smash a bottle of champagne against a small garden box. If our new little plants survive bunny explosion 2016 while our fence is gone I'll consider it a success. Planning and executing on a garden, check. Now onto rabbits, fence building and other wood working. My boys have the demolition thing down.

Proverbs 2:
"Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭2:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

God I would like to think that I can tune my ears to wisdom on my own but I know this is not the case. Oh please Lord grant me eyes that see and ears that hear.


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Friday, July 01, 2016

We Are But A Vapor

Good but strange day. Invited to a friends house to swim and conversation about a fellow homeschool mom who is dying came up. Caught the hostess way off guard as her daughter is best friends with the dying Momma's daughter. Sat in the grief with her as she recounted the conversation she just had with this friend days before. We are but a vapor. Here today and gone tomorrow. I don't live this way, but I should. Selfishness and the mundane often take away from loving people well. It's sad to think about how much of my life will be completely wasted being focused on the wrong things. Jesus offers freedom and yet I jump on the distraction and chasing the wind treadmill every single day. Jesus give me perspective and let me not waste the fleeting time I have left here on this earth.

Psalms 1:
Jesus help me become that deep rooted tree bearing fruit each season. Help me to love your Word and your presence.


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