Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Who Redeems Your Life From The Pit

Can't tell you how much my heart needed Psalm 3 and Psalm 103 tonight. His graciousness to me is overwhelming at times. Feeling weary tonight of the constant battle with my flesh. Thankful for the Lord's gracious reminder that He is full of mercy and compassion. He knows I am but dust and yet He calls me His own. 

I am overwhelmed by this tonight.

"He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭103:10-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

He doesn't deal with me according to my sins. The Accuser wants to continually hiss about my sin or worse tempt me to justify my sinful actions. Yet the Lord does not deal with His daughter according to her sins. I "know" this but often fail to try to grasp the full magnitude of it. I live under His banner of "Not Guilty", "Redeemed", and "Beloved". It's overwhelming. 

D


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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Better Late Than Never

We finally celebrated our Bit's bday today. Maybe it's over a week late but hey better late than never. I love that little firecracker!

Monday, August 29, 2016

Wrong Verse

"And if you had known what this means, 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the guiltless."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭12:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬


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The Same Measure Of Judgement

This verse is stuck in my head tonight.

"For the way you judge others is how you will be judged — the measure with which you measure out will be used to measure to you."
‭‭Mattityahu (Mat)‬ ‭7:2‬ ‭CJB‬‬

Struggling tonight to not be angry. Trying to remember that certain people are not the enemy. Really hard to sort out righteous anger from self righteous anger. I do believe injustice is being done to others and authority is being abused. I have to believe that the people on the offending side are clueless and if they had a heart willing to listen they would be crushed by their actions. Unfortunately, there is not much willingness to listen and they are heaping coals and ashes upon hearts that are already bleeding. I'm really over seeing this happen to my friends. The stories just keep coming and the people are coming out of the woodwork.

This might be crazy but today my response was to pray for the persecution of the American church. I think the lack of persecution has the church majoring in the minors. There's nothing like a little heat to burn up the chaff. Besides I am so ready to worship with the Church and not be disgusted by it.
(I wish I wasn't disgusted by it. I hate that I'm disgusted by it.) I feel like the heat needs to continue to heat up if Jesus is going to come back and I'm so ready for Him to come back.

My disgust of the church leaves me feeling ineffective to witness to others. I don't do well being inauthentic with people and I'm not sure how to forge relationship and eventually discuss my disdain for the church without misrepresenting it all. I have to trust that God can and will use anybody including this church jaded gal. I do wish this feeling of absolute disgust would dissipate.

God help me to extend mercy and grace to my brothers and sisters in Christ. Give us wisdom on if and when to speak up and speak out. Help me to love your people and your bride the way that you do.

Matthew 12:
I need to go back and chew on some stuff here. But this is an interesting verse to have run across tonight.

"For the way you judge others is how you will be judged — the measure with which you measure out will be used to measure to you."
‭‭Mattityahu (Mat)‬ ‭7:2‬ ‭CJB‬‬

Oh Jesus gives us clean hands and clean hearts. Let's us not be in disunity Father. Gives us eyes and ears to hear your wisdom and your voice and hearts to love one another.

D



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Sunday, August 28, 2016

Come On Now Rabbit!

This weekend my feed on FB was filled with pictures of my bigs when they were itty bitty. Almost not fair as this weekend I got a full dose of seeing just how much my bigs have gotten big. They truly are growing up to be such amazing people. Proud of them. True to form even the one who said he didn't want to be in another play wants to be in the next. Surely it's the adrenaline that's addictive.

Looking forward to getting some order to our crazy the next couple weeks and settling into a routine for fall. 

Psalm 62:
I love this Psalm. Such a wonderful reminder of where my strength truly lies. Praying that dear friends of mine would find quiet rest for their souls as they wait upon the Lord.

"Trust in him, people, at all times; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. (Selah)"
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭62:9‬ ‭CJB‬‬

D

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Saturday, August 27, 2016

Speechless

A bit speechless tonight after watching my Brownies in their play today. They did so great and I'm so proud of them. First off, my oldest killed it today. So crazy to see how much my baby girl has grown and matured. I've watched her practice for weeks now but in front of that audience something happened and she was amazing. My jaw is still hanging open a bit. She's not a child prodigy but if she enjoys singing and acting she may have a craft she can nurture and grow. The girl started writing songs at age eight so who knows. All I know is that I'm thankful for the opportunity for her to discover some of her talents that we might have otherwise missed. My girl who has struggled with anxiety crushed it today and I am so crazy proud and thankful.

My oldest boy!!!! He was actually acting today. I watched him on stage and thought who the heck is this kid!?!? How did I miss it? Fun to see him with some different lenses and encouraged to keep those lenses on and stop trying to shove that kid in a box.

My White Rabbit he didn't think he could memorize all his lines and he did. I am so proud of him. He's not convinced and a mishap on a song that wasn't his fault and one line slip up has him bummed but I am so proud of that boy. Praying he can soak up the positive feedback instead of dwelling on the minor misses which happens for everyone. Had no idea how high of a bar he sets for himself. Makes sense now why he is afraid to try. Hmmm.... Who knew RPL would be such a window into my kids hearts and into the heart of my parenting.

My littles were adorable. Fun to see my used to be baby boy sing a song I loved as a young girl. The song so suited his sweet and loving personality and he sang it like a little angel boy.

Overall grateful for another great RPL experience. Amazed by watching kids grow show to show and how fun it is when it all comes together. In the height of the crazy I wonder why and am reminded on this side why the crazy is worth it. Thankful for a place for my kids to use gifts they wouldn't have otherwise been able to use.

Psalm 49:
It's all gonna burn people. Invest in things eternal.

D

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Friday, August 26, 2016

Hello, Hello (Hola!). I'm At A Place Called Vertigo.

Saw a friend at the Arbo the other day and we got to chatting about vertigo. Her dr thinks some of her health funk is due to vertigo. I think I've got a pretty decent case going on right now. My ear is jacked again because I'm out of allergy meds. Dizzy and nauseous. Good times.

I need to go to bed before I gobble someone up. 

Matthew 11 on repeat. Loved this from commentary. 

Jesus directed His call to those who were burdened. He called those who sensed they must come to Him to relieve their need instead of living in self-sufficiency.

I really can't help but continue to think that the more I realize what a mess I truly am, the better it is for me. I have had enough years striving to not be a mess. What a waste of time and energy! So much better to just fully embrace the mess 100% and rejoice in the work only the Lord can do. So thankful for grace, love and mercy. Thankful for God's sweet provision for our family today and constant reminders that He cares.

D

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Thursday, August 25, 2016

🎶 I'm The Grump Grumpiest Troll Of Them All 🎶

1. Thankful my hubs is back home safe and sound. Wish he didn't have to come home to the grumpiest troll around.

2. I was done days ago but not necessarily because my kids have been hard. Getting them to get on the family's plan and off their own is no cake walk but they can be helpful. The smallest Brown's have tag teamed the heck out of me at night and I'm not functioning due to sheer exhaustion. Going on a work trip and having a bed entirely to myself sounds absolutely glorious. Well, at least a bed completely to myself does.

3. During the peaks of my trollishness I couldn't help but wonder what is worse, bring well rested and able to be "good" on my own or a grumpy troll crying out to the Lord. I know which one feels better but I do wonder if the latter is better for my soul.

Matthew 11:
I love these verses.
""Come to me, all of you who are struggling and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.""
‭‭Mattityahu (Mat)‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭CJB‬‬

D


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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Step One: We Admitted That We Are Powerless

So much dwelling on so much these days. Really feel discombobulated but in a good way. Really and truly everyday I feel like I sit back and realize I don't know jack about jack. Oh the things I would have confidently stood on a couple years ago I now simply scratch my head and realize I didn't know what I thought I knew. It's a good place, confusing and disorienting at times but often leaves me open handed and definitely seeking the Lord more. After all, who better to seek out when trying to figure out this Christian Life than the Lord Himself. I'm sure I'm making no sense whatsoever but I'm wrestling with trying to put handles on things. I do think I've landed on at least one place and it's Step One.

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.


I managed to leave behind Step One somehow. If I could do more or try harder or even do none of those things but have what looks like acceptable behavior on the outside that "I" could more on to bigger and grander things. I could move past admitting that I was powerless.

What is it in my sinful nature that has such a difficult time accepting that I am powerless? Really THIS is what we all need to embrace whole heartedly. Each and everyone of us is truly powerless to the plans the Lord has for our lives. We are powerless to grow and to change. I mean real growth and change of the heart, mind and soul not just behavior modification. Changed behavior does not always equal a changed heart. Good behavior does not equal a righteous spirit. The parable of the two sons popped into my head. One son gave lip service to his Pop's and said the right things and probably did the "right things" but in the end didn't do what his father asked. The other son was probably the difficult stubborn mouthy son who was on his own plan and balked and complained. He refused with his mouth but in the end his action revealed the true character of his heart. I've heard too many times lately about judging a person by "their fruit" but how would the fruit of the above been judged? I'm left with confusion and doubt on my own as I wrestle with it all. I'm forced to look at my own life. I thought I had come to a place where I had "pulled myself together". I didn't think I lacked more work but I was on the up and to the right trajectory. But in this season all I can see is a sinful mess who is absolutely powerless. Rather than feel guilty or shame about my state or my condition I feel grateful to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I am His and He is mine. There is freedom in knowing I am utterly and completely powerless whether or not I choose to walk with Christ. Not one of my choices here on earth will alter God's plan for my life or the lives of my children or those around me. Before the world was even formed the story was already written. When fully grasping that I can rest easy, I can cease striving, and I can walk in the Freedom His blood purchased for me. Apart from Christ I got nothing. 

Matthew 10:
So much here but resting in this tonight.

"But when they bring you to trial, do not worry about what to say or how to say it; when the time comes, you will be given what you should say. For it will not be just you speaking, but the Spirit of your heavenly Father speaking through you."
‭‭Mattityahu (Mat)‬ ‭10:19-20‬ ‭CJB‬‬

Powerless indeed is a beautiful place to be. 

D



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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Ready For Fall

This summer hasn't been the worst but I'm still so ready for fall. I wish we got a real fall here.

Good day. Lots of outdoor time with friends in the heat and dinner with a friend who recently moved back from CO. I smell like Stinky Arbuckle so it must have been a lovely day. Got crankers as a nice headache set in late afternoon. It's still hanging on for dear life.

Psalms & then zzzzzzzzz

D

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Monday, August 22, 2016

I Can Handle 40 Percent Right?

Good conversation today about the difficulties of parenting and extending ourselves grace. Little did I know the target on the wall is awesome parenting at least 40 percent of the time. I'm sure some days I can't even pull that off but surely I can bat at least 40 percent? The percentage isn't the goal actually. Jesus is the goal. Reliance upon the Lord and trusting in His Sovereignty. 

I needed this parental pep talk after reading a really good article on how to raise emotionally sound children. One of the seven "to do's" was to teach them how to engage in conversation by modeling it. When your kid tells you something you should stop what you are doing and turn to them and ask them about whatever they want to talk about. I feel like I'm the best at this with my biggest kiddo but even with her there's only so much conversational attention I can give. In typing that I can't help but think how jacked up that sounds. I usually can't listen to all their kid chatter because...
1. I have seven children I might go ape if I listen to every story. It's horrible and I may be the worst parent on the planet but there's only so much Lego and Star Wars talk one mother can take.

2. If I'm to get anything done and I mean anything sometimes I need them to go talk to someone else so I can have one complete though or load the darn dishwasher. I do feel convicted that I have put tasks over my kids which makes me want to cringe. I don't stay home so I can load the dishwasher 3 times a day. But the dishwasher does need to be loaded along with one thousand other things like putting babies to bed or dealing with the toddler who wore panties and pooped. I'm
Not a very balanced person so more balance in this department would be good.

3. Busyness keeps me from looking into my minions eyes as they tell me their knock knock joke for the eighty ninth time. Whose counting though? Busyness is what I can continue to try to root out. Really with a small three ring circus just a little bit of activity can be a lot. We must choose what goes on the calendar wisely. 

So I need to stop and listen to my offspring more. They are crazy but they have a lot of wonderful things to say. This season will pass quickly. One day I'll hear my last horrible kid joke that makes no sense. One day there will be no more talk about Legos. One day I'll hear my last poop joke or maybe not. 

Matthew 9:
Considering this verse. 

"Some people brought him a paralyzed man lying on a mattress. When Yeshua saw their trust, he said to the paralyzed man, "Courage, son! Your sins are forgiven.""
‭‭Mattityahu (Mat)‬ ‭9:2‬ ‭CJB‬‬

I keep thinking what good is it if the man walks if his sins are not forgiven? Recognition of the forgiveness of the man's sun comes first then healing. How often do I seek out "healing" before I seek out just being with the Lord? Ouch.

D



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Friday, August 19, 2016

Nothing Fits

Can't figure out a title tonight. There's only so many nights you can use the title Exhausted and feel good about it. 

Good day. Watched two kiddos for a short time this morning. Miss those two being in my house. 

First dress rehearsal for AIP today. One more week left to go. We got this! We have loved RPL but looking forward to a break. Three plays in four months is a bit intense. Not sure I'd do that kind of crazy again but never say never.

Thankful for a very full belly and friends to share a delicious meal with. Also thankful to share some yawns. 

Thankful for rain. Maybe I can pull myself together and get our fall garden started this weekend. This cooler weather has made our other plants explode. Ready to eat some homegrown veggies. 

Proverbs 19:
One day maybe...

"The fear of the Lord leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble."
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭19:23‬ ‭NIV‬‬

D


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Baby Tyrant

I've been a human pacifier for the past several days and I'm ready to run away from my baby. The oxytocin levels must start to decline as babies get older but I simply can't nurse this kid all night again. I'm pretty sure he's nursing for comfort due to teething. Hoping they pop out before I loose my sanity. If not, I'm going to need my hubs to rescue my boobs from the baby tyrant.

Today was another impossible day to think around here. I think I'm like Pooh and just need some time to Think! Think! Think! sometimes. Didn't help that the eight out of eight Brown's that were home were grumpy. Got three down early tonight so hopefully that bodes well for a better day tomorrow.

------
Almost forgot to finish this. Makes me sad how easily I can drift to cynicism and apathy and not put first things first. I do see much beauty here even on this side of heaven but with so much heartache and chaos around me I'm so desperately ready for Jesus to come quickly. I'm thankful for the gift of today and if God sees fit to bless me with another day then I will again give thanks but man do I ache for heaven. I'm so ready for things to be restored completely.

Matthew 6:
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Lord help me to keep first things first.

D



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Wednesday, August 17, 2016

So Tired I Can't Stand It

Everybody in Browntown is so incredibly tired. Too many late nights with interrupted sleep. Going to read and hope I can keep my eyes propped open long enough.

Think Matthew 5 is how I'll roll tonight.

D

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Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Where Do I Begin?

Today felt like a lot of days rolled into one. Or rather a day full of information.

1. Thankful for stage one of LB's root canals complete! She rocked it like a boss and Les said she blew away the dentist at how great she was. 


2. While Bit was getting her new silver princess teeth I put on my big girl panties and went to the dr. I love my dr. She even affirmed that it would be impossible to handle life perfectly while raising seven kids. Honestly I think it's just plain hard to try to handle things perfectly. There's always something to fill the plate so to speak. Lots of talk on different possibilities. Could be several separate things or could be one thing causes the crazy. Going to try tackling some of the smaller things first to see if it makes a different. Step one is to rip up the carpet in the hallway to see if there's some funky mold growing from all the bathroom flooding over the years that's making all of us sick. I'm not the only one that has been off. It could be a coincidence that we've had strange funk in our house and it's just viruses and allergies or it could be explained by mold making us sick. If we rip carpet up and investigate mold and I'm still experiencing weird symptoms and/or they get worse it will be time to test to see if it's neurological in nature. For now, time to tackle the carpet. Glad that my hubs and I had already talked about ripping it out. Makes things a lot easier. 

3. Pondering lots on Jesus. What exactly does He mean when He says go and sin no more? He knows that's impossible. Is something lost in translation or did He say that tongue in cheek? 
Overall lots and lots of pondering the Jesus clique WWJD.

4. Wondering what to do about church when churchiocity makes me want to wretch. I love the body of Christ, I really really do. I just can't stand the thought of being under anyone's man made laws ever again. The thought of church bi laws or denominational rules and regulations is too much for me to stomach. So I have no clue where that leaves us. I know what I want in my head and believe it exists but where is it? Do we move to it? And yes I know there is no perfect church this side of heaven. I just want to find a place that doesn't make me want to vomit. Really the sweet little church we had been going to can be that I think. I just don't know if I can push pasted the denominational piece. All of this probably just points to my spiritual immaturity but I don't give a rip. It's where I'm at and I can fake it or hide it to appear more refined but this is reality. Thankful that Jesus still loves this ragamuffin and is faithful to finish the good work He started. Praise God it's not up to me to fix this hot mess. 
I keep coming back to this:
"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
‭‭Micah‬ ‭6:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I am trying to walk humbly with my God. The key word is trying. It truly is my desire to walk humbly with God every day but I get distracted, I walk alone, I bow to idols, I focus on temporal things, and the list goes on and on. Again He is bigger than the sum of all my screws ups so I can take a deep breath and rest in confidence that I can't screw up God's plans for my life. Whew! Remembering this truly is one tiny step closer in the humility department. It's not about me. Praise God!

5. Heartbroken for precious weary and grieving friends. This world can be so difficult. Oh that Jesus would come quickly. 

6. Thankful for friends that watched my babies today so I could go to the dr and on a date with my hubs. Grateful to get some really good conversation in. 

7. Indecision kinda kicked my tail today. Too much effort spent on trivial things. 

Matthew 4:
Chewing on these verses -

"But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.

The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭3:7-8, 10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I do wonder if the good fruit Jesus speaks of is different than we might think. 

Read Galatians 5 more on fruit of the spirit. So much here too. I realize I know a whole lot less than I thought I knew.

One thing is certain I'm thankful for Jesus. Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a right spirit within me.

D


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Monday, August 15, 2016

Doctor Prep

Need to make this short and sweet so I can get some Doctor prep done for tomorrow. I need to admit that I was going to cancel and reschedule due to the Bit getting dental work done. My health never seems important enough or pressing enough to take care of it. Actually, I think I'm just a in the moment kind of girl. If I feel fine for the day then I've felt fine forever and it's ridiculous to go to the dr. I know I have feelings of unworthiness that surrounds doctors but I'll save that for another day. Tonight I realize the insanity of thinking my appt wasn't really necessary and lower on the list of priorities. A numb mouth and muscle weakness in my arms and legs can't be good per say. It really could be a virus beating me up but it's getting to be a long lived virus at this point.

Pondering the difference between using the bible to beat someone up verses using it to correct, encourage and rebuke. I really think the key is humility.

Proverbs 15:
Pondering proverbs 15:33

D

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Sunday, August 14, 2016

Desperate

1. Exhaustion won last night but ice cream won tonight.

2. Thankful for some time with littles while the bigs were at Six Flags with their awesome dad. Mudgey is not feeling good so the time wasn't magical but thankful for these sweet little ones. All three so very different.

3. Tired from Mudgey's night time shenanigans. Wondering if I'm coming down with the funk too. Didn't feel run over by a truck exactly but more like hit with a car door a couple of times.

4. Going to the thrift store with littles is a bit like torture. Going today just shows how desperate I am to figure these darn costumes out. Gonna be a crazy week.

Micah 6-7:
Love how Micah views God's discipline. He knows it's deserved yet is aware that the Lord does not stay angry for along and that He's an expert in compassion and mercy. He's crushed by the Lord yet marvels and hopes in God's mighty rescue.

D

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Saturday, August 13, 2016

Round One: Hunger VS Exhaustion

Little man has a suspected ear infection and has not had the easiest of nights which means I'm battling an awesome case of exhaustion. Yet I'm really hungry. Sweet bday party tonight but a couple pieces of GF pizza is not enough. I wonder if I'll ever be a one slice of pizza girl ever again. I'd be happy being a two slice girl. Pizza always feels more like an appetizer anyway. So what will win tonight??? Will hunger get me off my butt or will exhaustion win? Why aren't my children exhausted?? Oh to be an energizer bunny once again.

Lots of petitioning and confessing to the Lord in my prayer closet today. Really hate that I'm more appalled by others sin than by my own. Self righteousness feels so good. Having the perfect word to say to put others in their place in my anger fantasies is amazing. Dreaming of revenge scenarios is thrilling. I hate how much my flesh delights and takes pleasure in my sin. So gross. Can't wait till the day I meet my Savior face to face and my sinful nature will no longer be at battle with the new creation that resides within. All will be restored. Come quickly Lord Jesus. The battle can be so wearisome. Create in me a clean heart of God. Renew a right spirit within me. Turn the yuck into something beautiful. Only you can do the heart change necessary. So thankful that you are ever faithful to finish the good work you have already started in me. Oh how wonderful it is to be loved by the King.

Pretty sure hunger is going to win since the littles could care less that it's time for them to be sleeping. Jeremiah when I can get out from under a pile of babies and pick up my physical bible.

D

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Friday, August 12, 2016

Oh How Wonderful To Be Loved By The King

Why won't my children sleep? They seriously can outlast me and I can be pretty hardcore. Maybe Larry the Kreepy Killer Klown needs to visit the children who stay up past ten. Sometimes it would be awesome to be a deranged parent.

Speaking of deranged parenting I was awesome and got into it with one of my minions. Pretty awesome to get into a yelling match with your kid. Good talking points after for both of us and their was much beauty and grace that covered both of our offenses. Still, it stinks to forget who the grown up is.

Had one of those days when having an entire family with ADD was more than the adventure I bargained for. Really everyday is an adventure living in this family. Would not trade it but it would be awesome if we weren't always constantly distracted, interrupting each other, and looking for something we misplaced. Why is it that shoes, keys and phones always hide?

Jeremiah
The Old Testament can be such a difficult read but it screams of God's abundant love and grace towards us. The Israelites are so stiff necked and listen to the prophets that tell them the messages they want to hear. The priests no longer shepherd the flocks and truth has long been abandoned. God still sends His messengers to warn His people and they harm and kill the real truth bearers. Sometimes people just want to do what they want to do and they try to silence truth as much as they can. Interestingly enough this has repeated itself over and over again in history.

Thankful that the Lord is so slow to anger, that He has immeasurable amounts of grace and forgiveness towards us. He is gentle and kind. Thankful for all the grace and love He has shown me. Thankful that He can handle my big crazy emotions. Thankful that He sees the full extent of depravity in my heart and yet still chooses to call me His. Oh how wonderful to be loved by the King.

D



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Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Meh

Exhausted and struggling with disgust today.

Ate ice cream for comfort tonight.

Micah 2 till I pass out.

D

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Breath Fire

I woke up so angry this morning that I think I could have breathed fire. Anger at injustice and arrogance in a meeting and then walking into the classrooms where my child was violated due to institutional arrogance left me furious this morning.  I really felt like I could have melted metal and glass with my fury. Thankful to have read a timely email from a precious friend who reminded me to fully place all of the grief, anger, sadness, bitterness, ect into the hands of the Lord and ask Him to use it for His glory. That really is how powerful my God is. He can take all my emotions the righteous anger the self righteous anger and everything else in between and He can use it for His glory. I don't have to try to clean up the raw emotion on my own. He can make it beautiful. 

I did want to spiral in the now what this morning. The bible can seem so confusing at times. When is it right to bear with one another, when do you restore a brother who is caught in sin and when is it turning a blind eye to injustice? I was spinning on all of it and then just remembered the Lord's faithfulness to lead and to guide. I came back to this verse:
"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
‭‭Micah‬ ‭6:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I desire to walk justly and I want to love mercy and I truly want to walk humbly before the Lord. BUT I can't do any of those apart from Jesus. So as I struggle through scripture trying to discern when it's time to do x and when it's time to do z the answer always has been and will be Jesus. Jesus is the answer. He is the way, the truth and the life. In order to have the answers I desire I have to be willing to wait on Him. Searching the bible for proof texted scripture to prove that I'm right does nothing to draw me closer to the Lord.  All it does is try to justify that I'm right. 

I am still angry tonight but not nearly as much as I was this morning. I know my fury can easily flare but I will choose to place it in the Lord's hands because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. If I'm yoked to Him, He will surely lead me and guide me. I don't know Father but thankful that you do.

Sad to hear that a gal I knew at church died. She was quite amazing. I've struggled with different emotions over her death. Sadness over the loss of such a wonderful lively godly woman and for the loss of her family and close friends. I had an Ecclesiastes moment and wondered why the evil prosper while the godly suffer. I felt joy for her that she will no longer suffer and is in heaven with Jesus. I also felt jealousy. I would never want my children to have to live through Les or I dying while they are children and yet every fiber in my being longs for Jesus to come back now. Come quickly Lord Jesus. 

D



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Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Think I'll Sit On This Awhile

I am so incredibly livid tonight that I think it would be best to write and sit on it awhile rather than continue to sin in my anger by sending things I shouldn't. Oh Jesus help me to bear with one another. Help me to extend grace. Jesus I know my heart is wicked and full of disgusting arrogance. It's so much more pleasing to my flesh to point out the sin of others than to take a look at my own sin. Your blood paid the price for all of our sin. All I want to do is minimize my own sin.

Jesus help me. This is all I got tonight but because of your great love in the midst of my depravity and brokenness please create a clean heart in me. 

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."
‭‭Micah‬ ‭6:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

On another note, I went inside the belly of the beast tonight. I wish I could blow the whole place up. 

D

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Sunday, August 07, 2016

Kids Plus Olympics Equals Lazy Awesomeness

I love watching my kids watch the Olympics. It's pure joy. They aren't jaded by politics or the upcoming election. They are clueless at what s train wreck Rio is. They don't even care what sport they watch but they care like crazy whether or not USA gets another medal. It's wonderful greatness. Maybe if I can pull myself together we can pull off some kind of family Olympics to celebrate not having to pull off a play this weekend.  

One of my minions looked like I felt last night. I don't know what the devil virus is but it keeps coming around. It's short lived but relentless. 

My Bit is turning into a three year old, Mudge into a full force one year old boy and Sassy pants into a stinker five year old. The odd years are obnoxious and lovely and did I mention obnoxious? 

Jeremiah is not obnoxious. The illustrations of a soiled linen belt and a city full of drunkness is really sitting heavy with me tonight. The Lord is really angry at Israel's idolatry and pride. Hard to take in some of it. A lot of it makes me think of our current situation in the US. We've been given over to the delusions of our minds. 

Love this verse and the thought of being bound to the Lord. The last part of the verse is so sorrowful. The Lord doesn't force us to be bound to Him. 

"For as a belt is bound around the waist, so I bound all the people of Israel and all the people of Judah to me,' declares the Lord, 'to be my people for my renown and praise and honor. But they have not listened.'"
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭13:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

D

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Saturday, August 06, 2016

Neapolitan Moment

A precious friend wrote about a Neapolitan Moment and I really really liked that term so I stole it for tonight.

Today was a bit off. Tonight I feel a lot bit off. This summer we have been battling this weird funk that I can only describe as feeling like I have low blood sugar. When I describe it Les has attested to having felt that way too off and on. It's not low blood sugar because I've been testing but it sure does feel that way. Maybe both our adrenal glands are completely shot. Hurray for middle age.

Thankful for waking up to a clean kitchen. It is marvelous.

Thankful for laughs with friends tonight.

Thankful for a boy fast asleep in his new compression sheet. I hope it helps that boy get more sleep at night.

Thankful for a real God who is king of kings and full of mercy, grace and loving kindness.

D

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Friday, August 05, 2016

Backflips

The last play of the season at RPL has been pushed back two weeks and I could do backflips!! More time to memorize. More time to costume. More time!!!!! Whew!!

Thankful for a sweet friend who walked into our messy chaos tonight and not only watched our kids but cleaned our kitchen and living room. Crazy blessed and thankful. Having nine bodies in one space and running a business and schooling in that same space is no joke. We need to purge like crazy and stop eating. Still wishing we were like snakes.

Thankful for time with my hubs. Our dates are predictable but in this season of life predictable is nice. Ain't nothing wrong with queso, conversation, and a nerdy but fun game. Thankful for my hubs. Life is so good with him.

Psalm 19:
Beautiful psalm. Oh how wonderful the Lord is!!!!

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭19:14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Lord make this be true!!!

D

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Thursday, August 04, 2016

Hooky

Today would have been a great day to play hooky. I could not pull myself together today. Best parenting move I made today was asking my kids to forgive me for not being present and for being grumpy. Im blaming it on the heat.

Crazy ADD tonight and welI guess all day. I'm blaming it on the heat.

Jeremiah 7-9:
No real thoughts today. I'm blaming it on the heat.

Love these verses!!!
"Thus says the Lord: "Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.""
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭9:23-24‬ ‭ESV‬‬

D


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Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Balls!

Oh the joys of being able to move littles bdays to whatever day you want. The big kids planned Noah's bday party tonight. Really sweet. Noah got lots of balls which is one of his favorite things. Love that little boy so much.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

There's No Escape

Thinking about a treasured friend tonight as I ponder why there is no escape from the anger that burns within. She wanted a baby. A desperate longing for another precious child. She found herself in a bible study group full of pregnant women. I remember her asking why and talking about God's irony in all of it. Little did she know she was put in the fertile bible study group because she too would be with child. Makes my breath catch in my chest every time I think about it. Before the blessing there was the questioning of why? That's where I'm at right now. I'm trying incredibly hard to not grow bitter and yet I can't get away from the hurt caused by the very place that should bring solace to the wounded heart. Yet instead of healing from my own fury and walking away from the lure to be bitter I can't seem to get away from the destruction. I'm so incredibly ANGRY that I would find great joy in hearing the entire place had burned to the ground. I know this is wrong and I hate feeling this way. I hate being bitter. I hate that I at times wish ill will upon people. This is not who I want to be and this is not the feelings I want to have towards the bride of Christ. I just want to scream why at the top of my lungs!!! Yet I know there's a reason. I just can't see the resolution. I can't possibly fathom at the end of all of this that there will be new life. But I trust that the Lord knows exactly what He is doing. I trust the Lord with the blackest sin of my heart that wants the satisfaction of revenge and justification.

The thing that sucks about everything the most is that I have had a part in the crushing of other people. Makes me sick to my stomach. Praying through the amends process and how to clean up my side of the street for being apart of the hurt of others. I want to throw up. How did I become such an arrogant ass? Makes me sick. The slight twisting of the truth is the hardest to see. Bleh!!!!!!!!

So I decided to jump back into the Daily Walk. Yesterday started the book of Jeremiah and so I thought I would lag a day behind. This is the devo today. Ha!

Monday, August 01, 2016

Honey Bun

Well the Brownie Bunny Biz is getting closer to launching. Honey joined our crew today. Hopefully she really is a she. She's pretty stinking cute regardless. Hopefully, we'll have some more cute bunnies in the fall. Anybody want a bunny?