Friday, September 30, 2016

Humble Pie & Perspective

Thinking about a friends post the other night. How much more appealing to the flesh to arrange a beautiful offering to the Lord than to be poured out myself. I am in a funk because I want to do what I want to do. The bottom line of my heart is that I don't want to rely on the Lord. I would much rather be self reliant and provide for myself. It's why I struggle immensely in seasons like these when I feel and I am less than. Even now I could fly into a fit of passion because I'm so incredibly stubborn. I think I'm more weary of myself this morning than weary of feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep.

This morning was a train wreck. Woke up needing to drink a gallon of coffee and eat. However, needed to wash dishes first so that we could eat. Should have chugged coffee and ate a granola bar first. I didn't and my pour children felt my wrath. I was a mess this morning. Asked for forgiveness for my awesomeness multiple times. Then it hit me. My being a total bunghole gave me perspective into my kids bungholeness. My lack of self control was a window into my kids lack of self control. I got to extend to newly found grace very graciously when one of my kids completely lost it on me several times. The Lord not only served me up some humble pie but also gave me eyes to see. Such beautiful gifts despite my wretchedness.

Got another small glimpse into the brain of one of my kiddos today. It was heartbreaking and awe inspiring all at the same time. Definitely dealing with more than just dyslexia and working memory issues. Or at least it very much appears that way. At the same time I can't believe how this kid has come up with his own systems to manage information. I don't know yet how to unlock the full potential of this kid but so thankful to homeschool so we can keep trying to figure it out. Once we can hone in on what "it" is for him I think he is going to change the world. I know that I know that I know this kid is brilliant. He's so brilliant that he has his own language. Once we can figure it out I know the kid is going to blow all of us out of the water. Still incredibly torn on getting a label. In some ways I can see how that information would be incredibly helpful but at the same time I think it could also be a huge hindrance and stumbling block. Continuing to pray for wisdom.

Psalms 16:
"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭16:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

So thankful to have my hubs home. Excited about being able to take Benadryl tonight and hopefully dry up this obnoxious cough or at least buy myself some sleep tonight.


Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Should Have Known

I need to learn to shut my mouth. Thought this week was going to be a magical cake walk with hubs being considering it was only going to be five easy breezy days. Bahahahaha!!! Actually it wouldn't have been horrible and a pretty easy stint if I didn't get hit with this stupid upper respiratory funk. I feel like a fat elephant is sitting on my chest and the constant hacking which causes gagging is wearing me out. My sinuses hurt and I feel so dang exhausted and just can't function. Last night I scratched together a handful of hours of sleep between the hacking and the angry Mudge. My milk is drying up and he's angry. Today as extra fun I ended up with a lovely case of the Winnie's and spent a lot of time in the bathroom. And our dishwasher decided to break and I just want to scream at the sky. I know none of it is a big deal but I'm so exhausted that I can't break out of the discouraged funk. And I was so grumpy tonight. I hate that because it was all me and not my kids.

I'm so weary of running on fumes and having no emotional or physical margin. I want more than just enough! I want abundance!! Really I know my heart is wicked and thrives on being self reliant. I don't want to live in the land of brokenness anymore. My heart sucks. So thankful He loves me even when I'm a grumpy discouraged asshole.

On another note, watching a documentary about whales with kids and it's talking about the promiscuous whales with huge testicles. So tonight I'm thankful for internal laughs with the Lord. Oh my. Here comes the whale penis. Largest in the animal kingdom. Glad I've had that talk ad nauseam. Oh my. Hope whale porn doesn't harm my children.

Thankful for impromptu trips to the park, beautiful weather and friends to share it with.

Thankful for McD's sausage muffins.

Thankful for seven funny, loud, creative, impulsive, wonderful kids

Thankful for running water and modern day conveniences that I feel entitled to and take for granted.

Thankful my BFF is coming home tomorrow. I love that man.

Thankful the Lord loves me on my best and my worst days. Thankful He knows all the ugliness of my heart and yet still chooses to love and pursue me.

Psalm 15:
Yeah I pretty much am a depraved stinkpot. Jesus I am desperate for you!!!


Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Living In The Tension

At my sink altar this morning and wrecked thinking about a family I don't even know who will say goodbye to their toddler sometime this week. I can't imagine what it would be like to walk through that kind of hell. I struggle enough to hold my hands open as I watch my boy struggle with rage. I can't take it away and I can't fight it for him. He too will have to reconcile one day that God is good even though He allows trials in our lives that absolutely crush us. Though He absolutely destroys us He is good and I choose to follow. You simply can't ignore this tension when following Christ.

Thankful to learn there is still hope for the precious boy with cancer. Praise God for amazingly smart scientists who have discovered ways to help fight the beast. Thankful for hope.

Incredibly run down from the lingering crud. Could not shake a sinus headache today and now a nagging cough is making me crazy. But thankful to be in bed at 8:30 and now watching documentaries with my bigs. God's creation is pretty spectacular.

Psalm 14:
"All have turned away, all have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭14:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Being in reality of my depravity makes my heart sing with joy over how much I'm loved in spite of it.


Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


Pretty sure I can add a new ailment to the list, narcolepsy. I could not stay awake to save my life today. That's probably why kids are still doing chores and school at 8:30. They decided to exploit my inability to stay awake today.

I have some kind of kid funk too which is not helping anything. I have drained every last energy reserve over the last couple years and feel very much like the Blob. I might be able to kick it if I could just slither everywhere. Maybe I'll try that tomorrow.

Super bummed that my lack of energy and sick kids kept us home bound today. Really could have used a lovely dose of vitamin D and friends today. Kids would have benefitted too. Not being able to function is rather depressing.

Using my last ounce of sanity waiting for a child to clear the table and finish school. I adore this child but sometimes I wish he would dance to the beat of my own drum rather than his own. If I wasn't so exhausted I would find what he is doing right now rather amusing.

Psalms 13:
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise, for he has been good to me."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭13:5-6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Thinking of a family who may loose their baby to cancer. Perspective is everything.


Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 26, 2016

Brain Melt

Need to jot down some notes about today that I'd like to crunch on a bit but watching the debate and coming down with kid funk has zapped any crunching ability. 

Again thankful for many many things. The obvious today was help from friends with my minions. It truly does take a small army to raise a child. Thankful for the army the Lord has placed around my children and around me. 

Psalm 12:
Comforted by this as the latter half of these verses seem to becoming more like everyday realities.

"You, Lord, will keep the needy safe and will protect us forever from the wicked, who freely strut about when what is vile is honored by the human race."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭12:7-8‬ ‭NIV‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Beautiful Awkward Imperfection

The song Doxology specifically by Jaden Lavik has been stuck in my head the past couple weeks. We are doing hymn study this year and it's the hymn of the month for us. Can't express in words how much it has ministered to my soul the past couple weeks. 

Even in the midst of my melancholy funk the words "praise God from whom all blessings flow" has repeated over and over in my head. Praising God has been difficult the past couple of weeks. A deep weariness and extreme exhaustion has set in and clouded things. It's been hard to press on and find the good in the midst of thick heavy exhaustion and weariness. 

Yet this week I've had renewed hope that spring is indeed coming. Unfortunately I've been too crazy exhausted to express it. This week a friend send me part of a liturgy. I could be confused on the terms but I think that's right. Regardless, I knew the very thing that would heal my heavy and burdened heart. Setting foot into church once again is exactly what my heart needed and the Lord so gently and lovingly showed that to me. He didn't beat me over the head or use guilt and shame. Instead He beckoned me with His love and mercy.

"I know you are hurting. I can heal those wounds. I know your heart is discouraged. Come to me and I'll give you eyes to see".

It was pouring this morning. Not a great day to get back on the saddle and ride to church. One boy's zeal for church today is the encouragement we needed.  We needed the encouragement. We forgot car seats had been removed, and it was not just Portland style raining it was pouring. The Bit scream and wailed and begged to stay home. I laughed at God being funny and we pressed on. 

I was reminded of my Catholic roots this morning. Not Southside San Antonio Catholic roots but fancy Northside Catholic. The sermon was fantastic and as the offertory song played I almost completely lost it. I saw for the first time ever the beauty of the awkward imperfection of the body of Christ. The expression of worship may differ greatly but in church congregations across the globe there are my brothers and my sisters in Christ. One day the awkwardness will disappear and we will all worship the Throne of the Lamb in unison with hearts as one. I simply can not wait for that day. Until then I can rejoice in the beautiful awkward imperfection of the Bride of Christ. 

Since I was little it was ingrained in me that one church was right and another was wrong. One church was better than another. This carried on into adulthood. One church is dead while another is thriving and alive. I do indeed believe there apostate churches who do not preach the gospel. But for those who proclaim the gospel wholeheartedly its a shame that often churches major in the minors and agreements that don't much matter in the long run cause division. The truth is there is not a single man who can fully grasp the mind of God. We simply lack the capacity to fully grasp all who the Lord is and all that He intended and intends. How many quarrels and fights could be avoided among us if we would all simply embrace humility. But alas, like the pastor said today we are so very beastly. Yet beside our beastly hearts and often our  distain for one another the Bride of Christ is called His beloved. It's hard to fathom that such a ragtag collective group of ragamuffins are heirs to the throne. His love truly is extravagant. 

Romans 12:
I can't seem to stay away from Romans 12 these days. It's so crazy good. Loved these verses in light of today. 

"For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:4-5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I'm so thankful for so many things today. I've mourned the Lord destroying my church framework. But I can see now just how flawed it truly was. Thankful that He is building something beautiful. 


Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Passing Out Yet Again

I never woke up today. Thankful my hubs was productive enough for the both of us. Must tackle crazy laundry tomorrow.

Listening to bible. Can't keep eyes open. Exhaustion is killing me.


Sent from my iPhone

Friday, September 23, 2016

Hope Rising

Been in a pretty hefty melancholy funk. I shouldn't be surprised. If chosen to hand anger over to the Lord and when I've been given "pretty invitations to begrudge" I've chosen to lay those down. It's not perfect and I know rage is not a difficult emotion for me to conjure up. Without anger to prop me up deep discouragement and sadness have entered in.

I've been wondering why this final blow or sweeping of the leg has occurred. The last couple days I've been reflecting on why. I think the framework was completely smashed to bits so that I couldn't try to sneak back in the back door. I'm left with a concrete slab and it's up to the Lord to rebuild it. Ironically the very thing that will start the rebuilding process is the very thing I do not want to do. There's much fear and trembling moving forward. I feel like I totally missed the boat and I fear making the same mistake. Yet perfect love casts out all fear and I feel hope rising. Praying for hope to rise for my dear friends who have also been in a painful season. I know their hearts know the pains of soul crushing discouragement and weariness so thick it feels as if it can pull you under. Father may hope rise for these dear ones.

Romans 12:
Love this chapter. Seriously can't get enough.

Needed to read this verse after seeing a comment on the FB written by a proclaiming Christian who wished nobody complaining about prayer would complain as their teeth were smashed on the way to hell. I think reading other comments like it contributed to my funk this week. I'm so sad by the way we treat each other. It's one thing for those who are not believers to treat others poorly but when self professing Christians do it I'm reminded why there are people repulsed by Christians. Too much heartache this week.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God help me to do this. It's by your grace alone that anybody can.


Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, September 22, 2016


Good day. So many things I'm thankful for even the hard stuff. So exhausted. Thankful for that too.

Ps 9:
"Those who know your name put their trust in you, for you have not abandoned those who seek you, ADONAI."
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭9:11‬ ‭CJB‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Sometimes It's Best To Say Nothing At All

I've tried to write this over and over again tonight but I just can't seem to be able to coherently express all that is on my heart tonight. Sometimes it's best to say nothing at all.


Ecclesiastes Moment

Struggling as I'm sitting in an Ecclesiastes moment. It all seems meaningless. It rains upon the wicked and righteous alike. Common grace bestows the righteous and the wicked alike. We enjoy temporary moments of fleeting pleasure and suffer through hardships of life. We live and we die. Bleh.

I know the goodness of the Lord but I'm in desperate need of a shift of perspective. Everywhere I look I see people bleeding out. Or people on the merry go round chasing after nothing but the wind. So we toil here on earth but why? It doesn't matter if we do or if we don't. It's the Lord who guides our steps regardless. I should find great comfort in this but today I find nothing but a wasteland of apathy. Toil. Toil. Toil and then we die.

Obviously I need more sleep and extended time with the lover of my soul.

Psalm 7:
This is a bold prayer. May I one day be brave enough to pray it.

"ADONAI my God, if I have caused this, if there is guilt on my hands, if I paid back evil to him who was at peace with me, when I even spared those who opposed me without cause; then let the enemy pursue me until he overtakes me and tramples my life down into the earth; yes, let him lay my honor in the dust. (Selah)"
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭7:4-6‬ ‭CJB‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 19, 2016


In bed all day long. Nauseous and weak at the knees. Didn't have the chops to suck it up today. Feeling better overall but earlier any movement made me feel like I was going to completely loose it. I can't figure out if this is a bug or baby. 

The FB reminded me that three years ago I was in the hospital with the Bit. A baby who also got pertussis at three weeks died that same pertussis season. Im so thankful for the ways the Lord has sustained my Bitty Bit. I simply can't imagine our lives without her in it. She brings us so much joy. Lots of tears of gratitude today as I got to snuggle with her. 

Psalms 4:
I love this Psalm and it speaks right to the heart. Thankful for God's Word. What a gift to have such ready access to it. How I treat that blessing with such disregard every single day.

"O God, my vindicator! Answer me when I call! When I was distressed, you set me free; now have mercy on me, and hear my prayer."
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭4:2‬ ‭CJB‬‬

Sent from my iPhone

The Lord Sustains Me

Dwelling on this verse a lot the last couple of days.

"I lie down and sleep, then wake up again, because ADONAI sustains me."
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭3:6‬ ‭CJB‬‬

Much thankfulness wells up from me as I think upon all the ways the Lord has sustained me and my family over the years. The seasons have not always been easy and yet the Lord has been there to sustain us through the good and through the bad. Just thinking through all the ways the Lord has sustained the lives of my kids over the years makes my breath catch in my chest. Just about everyone of my children have been rescued from deaths grip simply because the Lord chose to sustain them. It truly is the Lord who chooses whether or not any of us will breathe our next breath. I know this but don't often dwell on it. Dwelling on it casts a new perspective on so many things. 

Spent the day off and on the couch. Feeling better than yesterday but still so wiped. Not as crazy sick today. Thankful for that. Will probably need to drink a six pack of red bull tomorrow to make it through. 

Psalm 5:
"But I can enter your house because of your great grace and love; I will bow down toward your holy temple in reverence for you."
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭CJB‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

A Thousand Years

In bed and it's glorious. Another wonderful but incredibly long Monday. I think I would like to stay in bed for a thousand years or maybe for like a week.

Long night with Mudge and Boo. Hoping whatever was troubling them will stay at bay tonight. Torn between wanting to night wean Mudge and also wanting to sleep. This kid LOVES his momma and doubtful he will go out without a fight.

Just ate a bit ago but may need to go forage in the jungle for more food. I'd try to tame it before bed so tomorrow will go smoother but that ain't happening.

Psalm 6:
Rejoicing in the Lord's graciousness tonight.

"Be gracious to me, ADONAI, because I am withering away; heal me, ADONAI, because my bones are shaking;"
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭6:3‬ ‭CJB‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Get Rhythm

I hate to even write this in fear tomorrow it will all go to pot but here goes. Today was about as full of a day of school that you can get and a decent rhythm is slowly starting to unfold. The school thing is still a festivus miracle considering just how little planning and prep I've been able to do. Think I'm really going to dig a low key year with lots of wonderful books. 

Wish I had more to blabber on about but Jimmy and his evil legs kept me up till the wee hours of the morning and certain kids were up before 7:30 which is highly unusual.

Psalm 73:
These verses say it all. So incredibly good. So incredibly convicted. Oh how great is His love despite being a total sinful brat.

“When I had a sour attitude and felt stung by pained emotions, I was too stupid to understand; I was like a brute beast with you. Nevertheless, I am always with you; you hold my right hand. You will guide me with your advice; and afterwards, you will receive me with honor. Whom do I have in heaven but you? And with you, I lack nothing on earth.”
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭73:21-25‬ ‭CJB‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Usher In The New Season

Had some time in my prayer closet to work out frustration I've felt over having to pass up an opportunity for a vacation. I've tried to figure out how to justify going but I can't. I can go against the advice of the CDC but I just don't see the wisdom in going against the advice of a trusted midwife. I can try to reassure myself that there will be other opportunities but please these just don't come popping up everyday. It's a rare opportunity. Really it's not even that or at least I discovered that it wasn't today. 

When my hubs and I went to Costa Rica it was AMAZING. We had spent at most maybe 36 hours completely solo together prior to this since kids. Two days after we got back our world was flipped completely upside down. This was already following what had seemed like a tough season. HA! The best was yet to come and almost two years later we are still being hit by the crashing waves. We have our heads above water now but we are both so incredibly weary. I know this season won't last forever and I do believe the Lord will restore the years the locusts have eaten. Oh but how I wanted a trip to usher in the new season now. I know getting another trip wouldn't fix everything but in some ways it feels as if it would be a redemption trip. It feels silly even writing that. If I'm really honest I feel robbed and I hate admitting that and I hate even feeling that way. I'm not owed anything and I've been given an amazing gift. You would think I would feel more grateful, but I don't. I feel exhausted, incredibly weary and this treading water of a season feels like it will never end. But it felt good to bare my soul to the Lord knowing that He knows it all already. I do trust that the Lord is so good to me and to us. I've seen it over and over again my entire life and especially the last two years. He has been gracious to us and He has been the lifter of our heads when we have sunken in the water. A new season will indeed spring forth it just will not be on my time table. My hubs and I will find someplace to get away together. We don't need a fancy vacation but we sure do need some time together away from our precious offspring.

Unfortunately or probably fortunately my tantrum moment with the Lord began the season of ushering in tears. There has been so much loss that has yet to be grieved in the ugly cry kind of way. There's been anger and rage for us, and for multiple others. There's been fantasies of vindication and justice. I'm ready to walk away from the exhaustion of anger. I'm ready to trust the Lord with justice and with vengeance. May it be the same justice I too will one day receive. This doesn't mean anger won't rise again when I see my boy suffer the consequences caused by harm done to him which could have been avoided if not for institutional arrogance. It doesn't mean rage won't well up when I hear of yet another story of someone being crushed by a system more concerned about a mission rather than people. My blood pressure will indeed spike again but I can choose to give it back to the Lord and trust that He is indeed a just God.

In the midst of my own weary season my heart is so incredibly heavy for dear friends who are also in their own season of hardship and grief. That combined with the craziness of this world makes me long desperately for Jesus to come back. Yet ensuring more temporal suffering so that more can enjoy the delights of eternal life is so worth enduring.

Matthew 14:
So much here. Can't even coherently gather my thoughts on it all.

“Yeshua immediately stretched out his hand, took hold of him, and said to him, “Such little trust! Why did you doubt?””
‭‭Mattityahu (Mat)‬ ‭14:31‬ ‭CJB‬‬

I want to be like Paul but personality wise I'm so much more like Peter. I'll jump out of the boat but then moments later wonder why the heck I'm sinking.


Sent from my iPhone

It Can Only Go Up From Here

First day of school here. It was probably the lamest first day. Everyone was tired and I especially could not pull myself together. Let's just say not being horizontal was a very difficult task. Still can not wait to be sleeping. So very thankful to not have been this off last week. I would not have made it. God's gracious daily provision blows me away. 

So today was not magical like the first day of school usually is but there was some awesome. Our fall garden was planned and was planted today and my oldest girl attempted to teach her three oldest brothers how to knit. Not too shabby for a first day despite the lack of magical pixie dust and fabulous attitudes. My hubs gets the amazing principal who saved the first day of school award. I love that man!

Psalm 13:
“You make me know the path of life; in your presence is unbounded joy, in your right hand eternal delight.
‭‭Tehillim (Psa)‬ ‭16:11‬ ‭CJB‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 12, 2016

Humble Pie Is Good For The Soul

1. Insanely exhausted. Can't function exhausted

2. Great day of coop for all. Thankful.

3. Locked keys in my van. A felt like a small army of people helped by giving rides, getting a set of spare keys, watching kids and just being great friends. Totally humbling to receive help for dumb stuff. If I had remained in my state of feeling unworthy and like a bonehead I would have missed the beautiful grace and love that surrounded me today. Thankful for dear friends who love me just the way I am, hot mess and all. What a beautiful gift from the Lord. Humble pie is good for the soul.

4. Wish I could drone on and on about today but I'm obnoxiously tired. Thankful for a full day full of beauty.

Listening to Titus as I pass out. Feels lame but this isn't an achievement contest.


Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Give Thanks For Providence OR Give Thanks For The Gift Of Today

I wish everything in life was in my wheelhouse. First day of coop prep done in record time. I'm "teaching" two games classes this semester. Best idea ever!! Have fun and build relationships with kids. It will be a lovely semester! I am in Bit's class for one hour this fall. It will either be lovely and delightful to see her in her class or a horrible train wreck. Gotta love how life is a gamble!

So great to have my hubs back home. We got a little face time in but not much. I had to run to the store and getting ready for beginning of the week stuff couldn't wait. Tomorrow we'll have lots of time to bond as we get ready for the first day of Browntown Academy on Tuesday. So not ready but I'm sure I can fake it at least this week. 

This morning woke up and felt pretty good and absolutely "normal". I've scratched my head a lot this week as I've realized symptoms have all but faded this week. I haven't been sure whether to give thanks for God's providence while my hubs has been out of town or whether I should give thanks for the gift of this day. In some ways it probably should be both. Thankful to feel open handed not just with Bebe 8 but with all of my children today. This does not mean tomorrow I won't close my fists back up but for today I place every single one of my children into the Lord's hands and give thanks for each of them. Each one of them is such a gift. I am feeling a bit rough tonight. Hopefully the Lord's providence will carry me through a long day of PATH and RPL. 

Heartbreaking conversation with one of my kiddos today. Thankful he is talking but it's so incredibly hard. He's had so much anger lately and yet in his little boy way he's beginning to pinpoint why. I told him that God could turn his anger and his hurts into something beautiful over time if he would trust Him. Sweet boy looked me in the face and told me that he really wanted God to do that. So my hands are open today and my heart torn open and hope abounds that God has a plan even in the anger, the sorrow and the hurt. He can indeed make all things beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful my heart rejoices over a friend in incredibly painful circumstances who can lift up her hands and thank God for the season she is in. He is indeed close to the broken hearted. My heart continues to desperately long for heaven. I can't wait to be with my Savior and my Brothers and Sisters in Christ and worship with sin no longer hindering us. Oh to be whole and complete. I can not wait!

Romans 12:
This chapter continues to be so good to my soul. Yet at the same time it exposes the inner hypocrite and my arrogance.

“For I am telling every single one of you, through the grace that has been given to me, not to have exaggerated ideas about your own importance. Instead, develop a sober estimate of yourself based on the standard which God has given to each of you, namely, trust.”
‭‭Romans (Rom)‬ ‭12:3‬ ‭CJB‬‬

I must confess that I've walked a period of my life where I have thought myself more important than I ought. I judged myself according to the standard of other people. I've thought arrogantly "well I'm a mess but not a mess like that." Writing that and admitting it is so very painful. That's not who I ever aspired to become. This is what happens when I don't judge myself according to the Lord's standard. I can't possibly do that accurately but when my standard becomes the Lord's I realize the sin I struggle with daily is the same as the addict on the street. I was saved by grace. Oh how often I forget this wonderful and beautiful truth. I so easily try to flip it and try to earn merit or favor based on my own actions. My heart is so saddened by all of this. I read these verses and the inner hypocrite can put faces to the verses. I can put my own face to the verse but those people over there REALLY need to read this and apply it. How incredibly arrogant! Oh the twisted irony to be arrogant about others arrogance. Oh Lord renew my wicked heart. Renew my twisted mind. Grant me a clean spirit. Lord I fall short of your standard the majority of the time. Yet you extend me love, mercy and grace. But just like the servant whose debt was pardoned by the King I turn around and demand payment for some ridiculously little amount. God may I not cheapen the beautiful grace you extend me daily. Thank you for loving this sinful child and for rescuing me even while I was still rebellious. 


Sent from my iPhone

Friday, September 09, 2016

Count Your Blessings

1. Woke up this morning defeated. Moral was low and several kids were sick. Lack of sleep last night was crushing. Too many nights strung together. Dreaming of staying in bed for a week straight. 

2. Just when I was trying to figure out what to feed my crew this evening a sweet friend contacted me to tell me she was bringing over food. So tonight I'm thankful for friends who are willing to travel the seven seas to drop off delicious food. I'm always blessed by a meal but this timing was good for my soul. So very thankful. 

3. A blast from the past dropped on my doorstep this evening. I heart Taiwan friends who stop by to say hi. Flooded with such sweet memories and gratitude for a sweet season where God provided sweet friendships and love to me. 

4. Feeling incredibly rough tonight. Not sure if I've finally been hit with the plagues circulating the camp or if it's the result of baking a human. 

5. Thankful to have gotten this latest round of sickness prior to starting school. It would have been a really big bummer too if this would have hit a tad bit earlier and affected Alice In Paris. Thankful for the Lord's timing. He is good all the time. 

Read Romans 12 this morning. It's so good. Might camp there for awhile. 

Dwelling on what it means to be a living sacrifice. So easy to let performance start wagging the dog. Much more thoughts but another for another night.


Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, September 07, 2016


So the mysterious rash on the Mudge is looking very Hand Foot and Mouth Disease today. I'm getting a bit of cabin fever and with HFMD I don't want to be the chump who goes and exposes the masses. My kids have never had a horrible case but it's a whip. Hopefully I won't be seen rocking back and forth on my porch come Sunday saying red rum, red rum.

My kids curbed some of their boredom with various art projects. I do love their creativity and it was in full bloom today but oh my the mess. Oh my to the mess two little girls with free reign to paint can make. It's always while I'm putting the baby to bed. Well played children. Well played.

Definitely feeling silence deprived. A week long stay at a monastery sounds AMAZING right now.

Another rough day of sibs. Everybody is super sleep deprived. I darted them all tonight and the last two finally gave up the ghost and fell asleep. Hoping some rest for their minds and bodies will create more peace tomorrow.

One of my sweet kiddos is super triggered right now. So much bottled up rage. Struggling with his intense emotions right now. It triggers my Momma Bear but I know he's hurting right now. I could spiral into my own fits of rage but I'm too exhausted. Resting in the Lord's Sovereignty over my boys life and trusting justice will one day be served.

Jeremiah 31:
"Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow."
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭31:13‬ ‭ESV‬‬



Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Lovable Turds

Yes I call my children turds. Never to their faces but let's get real they can act like a bunch of turds. I love my little turds but today I was ready to send all of them to military school. I was breaking up fist fights, cat fights, defiance, attitude, more fighting, destruction, loud obstinance and two littles with issues. Did I mention I was tired from being up A LOT with poor baby rash-a-lot? I was ready to gobble them up and then a friend dropped off her littles because she needed last minute kidcare and my heart melted for my lovable turds. They loved on the smaller kiddos like crazy. I was frustrated because today seemed like a culmination of entitlement to them and yet tonight they served with happy hearts without even being asked.

So maybe the big turd struggling with entitlement is me. I feel entitled that parenting should be somewhat easy and that I should get to do what I need to get done. Lovely. Just lovely. How was I so clueless to the depths of my depravity? I'm so blind to it that I've only seen the tip of the iceberg. Makes me sick that I have been the person trying to remove the speck from another's eye when I'm walking around with a log in my own eye. So gross. Awesome how often I do that to my kids.

Well going on an hour strong of human paci duty. Another loooooooonnnnnnngggggg night ahead. Need to figure out what's bothering this little dude. Need to convert him to being a thumb sucker. You would think I would wake up high on oxytocin. Yeah not so Mudge. Bahahaha!!! I crack myself up.

Matthew 13:
Parables. Wish I had some thoughts but man I'm exhausted. Dwelling on the weeds not being pulled too soon due to it harming the wheat. I can't believe I'll get to meet Jesus someday. Seriously how incredibly amazing is that!?!?


Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, September 05, 2016

Melted Plastic & Chicken Nuggets

1. Thankful for time outside with sweet friends today. I'm grumpy and tired and I'm thankful for people I can be grumpy and tired with and still loved. That truly is a blessing.

2. My poor Mudgey is off today. I'm suspecting another ear infection and fever. He was a bit warm today too. Kids has a rash too which I think is either allergies or food allergy. I think it's either both or the latter since the rash has been around his mouth. I have a couple suspects on my radar. Will try an experiment soon.

3. In an attempt to feed my minions frozen pizza tonight a discovery was made. The Bit likes to use the oven as a pretend oven. First kid who has done this. Nothing like the smell of burning melted plastic and chicken nuggets and a smoke filled house. Adventure around every corner is quite the life. I'm thankful for it.

Psalm 5:
"But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭5:11‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Wonderful thoughts to fall asleep to.


Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, September 03, 2016

Too Tired To Be Wordy

Thankful for so many things today. Number one is abundant grace. I know often I live out my days without dwelling upon what Christ purchased for me and just how much He loves me. How do I miss that most days??

Thankful for catching up with a couple coop friends today. One just so happens to be in my neighborhood and has a sweet meat rabbit and gardening set up. She even has the breed of meat rabbits that I have my eye on! Here reasons for picking Champagne de Argents are the same as mine. Feel like I'm not totally crazy now. Our gardening still lacks A LOT but hoping to get some first hand lessons from her. My grandparents were farmers dang it! Surely there has to be some green thumb somewhere!

Thankful to have some energy and not feel horrible today. If I'm honest that makes me feel a bit nervous but I am so thankful for the gift of today. I am thankful for His fresh mercies every morning. 

Survived another library trip today. Nothing gets my undies in a wad more than the library. I just know that at any moment something awful could go down. If that happens in a grocery store the worst that could happen is the stink eye from other shoppers. Let's be real I already get those looks simply for having a small posse with me everywhere I go. At the library you can get kicked out. I've been on the verge on multiple occasions. The payoff of a trip to the library is hours of kids reading to each other and diving into books for hours. This gives me time to wind down and take shots of vodka in my closet. 

I have much more but I'm tired dang it!

Psalm 44:
Hard things to wrap my brain around in this. Do love these reminders tonight.

"For not in my bow do I trust, nor can my sword save me. But you have saved us from our foes and have put to shame those who hate us. In God we have boasted continually, and we will give thanks to your name forever. Selah"
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭44:6-8‬ ‭ESV‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Friday, September 02, 2016


Biggest made dinner tonight. Seriously love having big kids. Hubs not home for dinner and yet we still polished off two large boxes of pasta. Let the games begin!

Feeling bleh in all aspects of life right now. Pretty sure some time in the mountains is what I need. I have a deep deep longing for Jesus to come back. Yet I'm thankful for the Lord's gracious hand and provision upon my life.

Thankful for running waster, hot showers, silly children, Netflix to gorge upon today, washer and dryers, safe travels, food to fill bellies, food not cooked by me at all today, fizzy water, bunnies, a garden, the blessing of someone else mowing our yard, AC, God's perfect financial provision, abundant grace, whispering children who should be sleeping, my dancing baby, my spicy toddler, my beautiful preschooler, my woo bucket six year old, my out of the box and wonderful eight year old, my nine year old who is passionate, my ten year old who is quite lovely, babies who make me feel sick, grace, grace and more grace, mercy, endless pursuit from my Father, videos of bears swimming in a swimming pool, lost pups that were found and an endless list of sweet daily mercies. 

Psalm 46:
Thankful for God's perfectly timed words. Finding so much comfort in this tonight. Despite the sin and imperfection of His Bride the Lord will indeed be exalted. Praise Jesus!! Oh come quickly Lord Jesus. 

""Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah"
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:10-11‬ ‭ESV‬‬


Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, September 01, 2016

Buckle Up

Thankful for my hubs who let me spend a lot of the day in bed or laying on the couch. There will be plenty of days ahead for pushing through but today lots of rest was carved out and I'm thankful. Super nauseous all day long and on the verge of throwing up all day. I think it would have been better to throw up. At least you get a reset that way. Oy!

Speaking of reset scrambling to come up with a good routine we can roll out this upcoming week. TV 24/7 in preparation for starting school the following week sounds awesome to me right now. Probably the better plan would be back in a better chore routine and lots of time spent on the couch reading together. Decided I'm going to throw in some Ambleside this year for school. Even if my oldest aren't reading it independently and are just listening to the audiobooks that has to count for something. I think if all we did was read the books and skipped everything else I'd feel great about this year.

Psalm 67:
"May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us, Selah"
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭67:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Oh I remember so vividly reading this Psalm and begging for the Lord to be gracious to us. Thankful for His constant graciousness despite my unfaithfulness.


Sent from my iPhone