Had some time in my prayer closet to work out frustration I've felt over having to pass up an opportunity for a vacation. I've tried to figure out how to justify going but I can't. I can go against the advice of the CDC but I just don't see the wisdom in going against the advice of a trusted midwife. I can try to reassure myself that there will be other opportunities but please these just don't come popping up everyday. It's a rare opportunity. Really it's not even that or at least I discovered that it wasn't today.
When my hubs and I went to Costa Rica it was AMAZING. We had spent at most maybe 36 hours completely solo together prior to this since kids. Two days after we got back our world was flipped completely upside down. This was already following what had seemed like a tough season. HA! The best was yet to come and almost two years later we are still being hit by the crashing waves. We have our heads above water now but we are both so incredibly weary. I know this season won't last forever and I do believe the Lord will restore the years the locusts have eaten. Oh but how I wanted a trip to usher in the new season now. I know getting another trip wouldn't fix everything but in some ways it feels as if it would be a redemption trip. It feels silly even writing that. If I'm really honest I feel robbed and I hate admitting that and I hate even feeling that way. I'm not owed anything and I've been given an amazing gift. You would think I would feel more grateful, but I don't. I feel exhausted, incredibly weary and this treading water of a season feels like it will never end. But it felt good to bare my soul to the Lord knowing that He knows it all already. I do trust that the Lord is so good to me and to us. I've seen it over and over again my entire life and especially the last two years. He has been gracious to us and He has been the lifter of our heads when we have sunken in the water. A new season will indeed spring forth it just will not be on my time table. My hubs and I will find someplace to get away together. We don't need a fancy vacation but we sure do need some time together away from our precious offspring.
Unfortunately or probably fortunately my tantrum moment with the Lord began the season of ushering in tears. There has been so much loss that has yet to be grieved in the ugly cry kind of way. There's been anger and rage for us, and for multiple others. There's been fantasies of vindication and justice. I'm ready to walk away from the exhaustion of anger. I'm ready to trust the Lord with justice and with vengeance. May it be the same justice I too will one day receive. This doesn't mean anger won't rise again when I see my boy suffer the consequences caused by harm done to him which could have been avoided if not for institutional arrogance. It doesn't mean rage won't well up when I hear of yet another story of someone being crushed by a system more concerned about a mission rather than people. My blood pressure will indeed spike again but I can choose to give it back to the Lord and trust that He is indeed a just God.
In the midst of my own weary season my heart is so incredibly heavy for dear friends who are also in their own season of hardship and grief. That combined with the craziness of this world makes me long desperately for Jesus to come back. Yet ensuring more temporal suffering so that more can enjoy the delights of eternal life is so worth enduring.
So much here. Can't even coherently gather my thoughts on it all.
“Yeshua immediately stretched out his hand, took hold of him, and said to him, “Such little trust! Why did you doubt?””
Mattityahu (Mat) 14:31 CJB
I want to be like Paul but personality wise I'm so much more like Peter. I'll jump out of the boat but then moments later wonder why the heck I'm sinking.
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