Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Providence

This morning woke up from another night of my little piglet trying to get milk all night and coughing all in between. My sweet husband let me sleep in. I could have stayed in bed all day but dragged myself out. Got into my prayer closet and duked it out with God. Basically I'm being a bratty Israelite complaining and bitter over the manna. Instead of marveling in the miraculous of the manna I'm angry about it. I want flocks upon flocks of quail. Got to sit in that this morning and again I'm sorrowful over the condition of my heart. I've missed the miraculous and failed to give thanks for it. I've blown off and discounted the daily sweet mercies He has bestowed upon me. I am insanely exhausted and sleep is oh so elusive but my focus on my circumstances has blinded me to so much. Frankly, I'm too human to be able to push past the things I can see and feel so I realize even more just how desperate I am for Jesus. Thankful the Lord is so loving and gentle in His correction.

I knew National Night Out was coming up but with the crazy exhaustion I just didn't know how to pull anything off. Prayed about it and neighbors knocked on the door and God provided. I am sad I didn't hit the streets inviting people. I do love the people on our street. I wish I could figure out a way to be more intentional. Halloween will be an easy one. Thankful for provision and sad at the same time. I have been more antisocial in my fatigue but I really do love people.

First midwife appt today. So good to see her. So good to hear a heartbeat. Oh how beautiful that sound is. It never ever gets old. The miracle of it all. Can't believe the Lord has blessed us with these amazing kids. I simply can't imagine our lives without a single one of them. I am so incredibly rich.

Midwife lovingly called me out on my lack of self care. Almost lost it when she told me you matter too and you are precious to God and to me. Wish I could just be vulnerable enough to just cry but obviously not there yet. That's when I want to yell how long? How long oh Lord will I be stubborn?

Was thinking about a sweet friend burning the candle at both ends who is feeling it right now and realized I just might be in a season very similar to hers. It looks very different but I think both of us are going to have to learn how to be okay with good enough and learn to lean on the Lord's manna. Oh how I want the assurance of abundance. My idol of ease and comfort is so huge it's ridiculous. 

2 Cor 4:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:16-18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

D


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