Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Round Two

1. Pretty sure our second case of strep has hit. I don't quite get the timing but I know it's going around so I could see how a different kid got infected?? Thankful for antibiotics when they are truly needed. Not excited about dragging this crew to the dr first thing but thankful for access to medical care. We are so incredibly blessed.

2. Mom of the year told her kid to shut up today. I don't think it penetrated a heart because it was said out of exasperation out of one child's super duper obnoxious fest and not out of anger. But still not the kind of words I want to speak to my child nor the example I want to set.

3. Not sure if it's the cold combined with extra crazy kids and just other chaos around us or what but my flesh is right up at the surface. I probably just need a date with Jesus and a good mom's night out. I need a break from these precious little angels.

4. Struggling to enjoy my kiddos this week. They have definitely made me laugh but overall I just want them to fall in line and do what I say. No energy this week has left little room for me to have energy and grace to deal with shenanigans. I need Jesus and a daily nap.

5. So thankful for grace!!!!

Isaiah 11:
Love this chapter. Fun reading it to the kids this morning and then marveling at the lion eating grass and the baby playing with snakes. Longing for Jesus to return.


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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

I Think I Love Good Enough

1. Could not pull off Advent feast number two yesterday and since I didn't want to all further behind I threw ideal to the wind and did good enough. I think I love good enough.

2. This cold is a drag.

3. Why is my baby still awake?

4. Night night

5. Giglio's advent devo. Galatians 4 obviously can't escape that book.


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Sunday, November 27, 2016

Stop It! Just Stop It!

I've been mulling over Galatians for months now. I really should stop being a prideful poop and pick up a bible study or something on it. I hate bible studies though. There I said it, I hate them. I do like looking up commentary and mulling over people's perspectives but bible studies generally seem too contrived for me. I often feel manipulated by them. The author is trying to lead me to his or her conclusions rather than the Word sitting there and growing and dwelling. I know that's not the heart of most and in my snobbish approach I miss out on greatness but even if I don't feel manipulated it often feels like busy work and I don't like busy work. 

Well that was an obnoxious diatribe just to say I have been chewing on Galatians for awhile. I've been mulling over the circumcision party but been missing chapter six. Here in lies the whole enchilada and what Paul is trying to drive home to these Galatians. 

"Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

In my flesh I LOVE to point out the flaws of others. There are times when we should love someone enough to lovingly point out their sin but I love Paul's warning: watch yourself or you also may be tempted. The temptation is arrogance. I love to be arrogant. I love to be arrogant about other people's arrogance. My flesh takes great delight in being better than others or rather thinking that I am better than others. This arrogance, this belief of having mastered the law or being better than somebody else is the yeast of the Pharisees. I am so great and these other people are so not and I don't know when these other poor idiots are going to ever get it or get with the program. It just takes a little yeast to grow a huge hideous beast. Oh how intimately I know this struggle. I hate it. If arrogance was a visible tumor I'd cut it off but it's cancerous cells are everywhere and at times they grow unchecked and eat away at the soul. At times I wish the Lord would squeeze it out of me even if it meant crushing me entirely in the process. 

"Carry each otherʼs burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I think the church does well to carry each other's burdens in sickness and in crisis. I think it struggles at how to do this when the burden is a sin or a sin struggle. There's grace in theory but I think in practice it's lacking. Stumble once or twice okay but you better get your crap together because there's not much grace for continued stumbling. How do we not continue to stumble except by truly bearing one another's burdens? I think in my wrestling with the church and how it's handled the LGBTQ movement / population I think there has been a lack of bearing one another's burdens. It's been easy to minimize the struggle to heterosexual lust and not willing to fully understand the depths of the struggle. Let's pat our gay friends on the head but not get in the grueling battle with them. Let's not help hold up their arms. Really to be a non practicing gay Christian has to be insanely lonely. Those who truly get the struggle shun you and those who are your brothers and sisters in Christ don't fully get the loneliness and the battle. I hear the obnoxious echo of "you are not terminally unique". I get the motivation in saying that but often I think it's just another way to not have to really care and get in the sewer pit with another brother or sister. Who wants to really get in the nitty gritty of truly bearing one another's burdens? It's easier to cook a meal or send some platitudes "God won't ever give you more than you can handle". It's hard to sit in the cess pool of sinful struggle and the agony of true grief. It makes us uncomfortable. It makes us feel inadequate. Who wants to enter Lazarus's tomb when he's been rotting there for days!? Nobody but Jesus and He does it and He wants us to enter that tomb of death with others too. He wants us to hold up the arms of another even if they are covered in the pig feces of their own sin and consequences. Damn this is hard. I can't even do this well with my own kids. But for Christ... 

So strange how the sermon at church tied in so well what I wrote this morning. I wish I had my notes but I'm too lazy to get them. Oh how the word favor came alive today. Favor, chosen for no other reason except for grace. We so desperately want favor! I so desperately want favor. It's why it's so easy for me to fall into the trap of pride and arrogance. Look at me! Think I'm something! Tell me I matter! Somebody like what I say and think! Desperate for favor and yet I have been bestowed such favor. The only favor that truly matters is not enough and so I try to puff myself up and set myself up as king and able to earn righteousness through the work of my own hands. Why do I strive to earn favor when I've already earned it?

Today the pieces fit as I've pondered what it means to walk in the spirit. Paul speaks of this in Galatians but it was echoed like crazy today...

"And the angel answered her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born will be called holy—the Son of God."
‭‭Luke‬ ‭1:35‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The Holy Spirit will come upon you. Through the power of the Holy Spirit a virgin can become pregnant, the dead came come to life, the barren aged couple can give birth, the impossible can be done. 

Back to Galatians....
"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:16-18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22-23‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The so what???

It's JUST STOP IT!!! Stop trying to seek favor, earn favor, be somebody, yada, yada, yada. Cease the striving. Stop trying to get better, get your act together, stop sinning, stop being a mess, etc. 

I have FAVOR! I've been declared RIGHTEOUS and I have absolutely no reason to boast what so ever. I have been extended grace simply because He loved me and chose me. If this is the case then why do I keep trying to get right with Him and do things right out of the flesh? I can't do it and it always leads me back to here:

"Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:19-21‬ ‭ESV‬‬

If I don't end up here then I end up an arrogant asshole saturated in the yeast of the Pharisees. That yeast taints everything. It may look more together but it's not living out the gospel and it lacks so much. 

So what do I do? I stop it and I get out of the way and embrace the grace wholeheartedly knowing I am utterly lost without it. When and only when I get out of the way I can indeed walk by the Spirit and the impossible can be made possible simply because of His grace and favor.


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Saturday, November 26, 2016

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Q4

My house looks like what I had expected it to look like during this time. Many boxes in and many boxes out. Thankful for a hardworking hubs and God's providence for us. His provision for us the entire extent of our marriage has been nothing short of miraculous. I wish I could be the penny pinching homespun Wonder Woman but I just don't have the right skills. I can learn for sure but sometimes I just need to tip someone so they can deliver my groceries. I love the age of grocery delivery. Why we went away from that model I don't know but it was stupid and I'm glad they are bringing it back baby!!

More pj's but today I did get a shower and dressed in real clothes so I could watch some pretty stellar kids. Love what God is doing in His families. It's a beautiful beautiful thing.

Galatians 6:
Really trying to wrap my head around Galatians completely. I'm probably rather foolish to believe that I can completely do it but want to take a firm grasp of it.

Really mulling over be cautious of the yeast of the Pharisees and not boasting in anything other than Christ. I want to perform though and I want to boast about my performance. Oh stupid flesh. Thank you Jesus for abundant grace!


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Thankschilling Part Two

Another great day of lazy. I have friends who conquered the world and trimmed trees and did their part to solve the world's problems and I happily stayed in pj's again. Have I mentioned that comfort and sloth are an idol of mine? I do feel a teeny tiny bit ready to attack advent this year so that's something and more hammering out of the family calendar. Tomorrow I'll get back on the laundry train and try to get caught up. Oh my!

I do have lots of thoughts on lots of things but have often felt like it's futile to even try to get it out because all of it just leads to more questions with no answers. 

I want much more than this provincial life

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand to have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

I guess lately I have wondered what are we spinning our wheels for? Everybody seems so busy all the time and why and for what? I think I'm still churning on a sermon I heard several weeks ago. I had a wild baby squirming in my hands or else I would have jotted down my thoughts exactly. Now they are a bit fuzzy but I think it had to do with our treasure?? That's not the full crux of it but in light of my eyes being open to hurt unimaginable everywhere and pondering many things, I can't help but wonder what race are we really running? What am I trying to teach my kids and for what purpose? I think the tail can wag the dog so easily in almost anything or everything. There has to be more than this DFW life. So that's probably not fair but there has to be more than this American life. I think the focus is all wrong. My focus is all wrong. We will have eight kids. Eight kids entrusted to us. I don't want the tail to wag the dog. I don't want to get caught up in the supposed to or just because that's the way it's done or going with the flow but not ever really know why or what for. I think maybe I'm just in a new phase maybe I'll call it my WHY phase. 

I think in my head the picture I've painted is a series of circles or rather circles inside circles. God being the center circle and everything else surrounding that circle. God is the epicenter right? 

I don't think I like this way of thinking about life anymore. Maybe it needs to be more like this for me.

God is the big circle. Whether I want to draw Him as my center core or not He is the Big Circle. God ultimately decides whether or not I take my next breath. I may make plans but He can throw them out the window however or whenever He so chooses. I think if He's in my little circle I get bent out of shape when things don't go my way. Hey! You are my center why isn't this going the way I PLANNED!?!?

I don't think I really like the orderly formulaic bullseye either and maybe it should be more like this?

It looks like an angry amoeba. That would be an incredible band name if I do say so myself. I know these silly pictures really do nothing but maybe granite what I'm thinking in my own way. I need some handles. I'm dying for some handles. I feel like I'm constantly being flipped upside down on my head. It's a good thing but my adult life at this point feels like an undoing of what I thought I knew. Pretty much every idea or framework I had has been completely smashed. So I'm standing in a field with my smashed frame of the house I thought I was trying to build and I'm left scratching my head and at times my booty too. It's a great place to be though. Lord here's the pieces you have completely smashed. How good are you to have smashed it all in such a kind, gentle and loving way? You are so good. Lord I confess I've put you in that small little circle in the center and I've tried to call the shots the way I saw fit. My way has caused chaos and my own frustration. You have been so patient with me in the process though. I feel like I've been missing it though. I'm weary and frustrated by this "provincial" life. There has to be more and I know there is so much more. Will you show us how to fit the pieces inside of YOUR plan for our lives? Will you teach us how to teach our children? I don't want to do school the way I'm supposed to do it. I don't want to do activities because I'm supposed to do it. I don't want to do one more thing just because that's what I think I'm supposed to do or what everybody else does. Help us to be courageous and live courageously outside of the norms and out of the boxes. You did not create this family to be shoved inside a box. Eight kids that were never my plan proves just that. I'm grateful for all that you've done and continue to do. Lord I'm sitting in a field with smashed lumber and no blueprint. It's a beautiful place to be. Lead us, guide us, build what we could never ourselves imagine. We love you. 


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Thursday, November 24, 2016


1. Tired tonight. Put the movie What About Bob on too late last night. Oh that movie is so funny. Nothing like Bill Murray to kick off the holidays.

2. Great Thankschilling today! Any holiday that I can stay in my pj's all day is pretty awesome in my book. Food was good but not a lot of hoopla to make. Kids helped make a lot of it. Overall it was a much needed family day of chilling out after a busy couple weeks. My adrenals are too taxed to be on the go constantly. So lame but it is what it is. We are going to continue to be non traditional this year and continue Thankschilling all week interspersed between Black Friday Shopathon. The two bigs got in on the action this year for a van full. Clear eyes. Full carts. Hoping all the crazy the upcoming weeks will yield a lot and help get us a new to us van to fit the whole fam.

3. Thankful for so much. During Thankschilling Linner we were talking about all the things we are thankful for and of course my oldest mentioned Baby Frying Pan and wished for more babies. Les and I looked at each other and then said at some point they were going to be responsible for any new babies in the family. Then we talked about grandkids and great grand kids and I got incredibly choked up. We will leave quite the legacy for better or for worse with all these sweet ones the Lord has blessed us with. We will impart nothing greater in this world than our children. Very humbling. Incredibly grateful.

Psalm 100:
So thankful to be His!!

"Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭100:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Simple Joy

Gonna be honest don't really have the attention span for this today. But crazy thankful today for realizing how much of the simple joys in life are coming back to life. Sometimes in the middle of the muck when the waves keep crashing in it's difficult to see when they do indeed seem to stop crashing in. Maybe we'll even stop treading water a bit at least until this baby Brownie gets here. Much reason to give thanks. Thankful for the laughter coming from my living room tonight. The kids may have been introduced to the Three Stooges last night. Makes my heart happy at the laughter it has caused. Great memories of watching the Stooges with my Grandpa.

Psalms 84:
"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭84:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Tuesday, November 22, 2016


Good day celebrating my boy. Love that kid and overwhelmed tonight at how blessed I am by all my Brownies. It's not a hard life nor an easy life but it's a beautiful and full life and I'm so crazy thankful.

I've got thoughts galore or at least kind of but per usual I'm too sleepy to put them into words. Mostly just thankful for so many many things.

Galatians 4:
Thankful to be a child of the free woman. Praying for my friends who are yet to be free.

Hurray for random thunder!!!


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Monday, November 21, 2016

One More Day...

One more day of get up and go and then we can breath, sorta. If I can pull myself together I'll make a grocery store trip and Wednesday will be pie day and Thursday will be family pj day. Then the real crazy will hit. I hope and pray the crazy is good and in between the crazy we can enjoy advent and rejoice over the coming King.

Somebody bought my Brownies tshirts today and it kinda wrecked me. My kids have been so great in general over knowing they just can't get everything that everybody else gets all the time. We often don't hear complaints and have even seen such gratitude in things such as a pair of ballet shoes or a pair of new tennis at the Walmart. To them a new pair of Walmart shoes is as amazing as a new pair of Nikes. Maybe one day they will grow up and we'll discover how deprived they felt over the years. Mostly what I hear now is them confessing that sometimes they wish that they could get x, y and z but that they are grateful for our family. Beautiful side effects to having a bigger family. Anyway, play tshirts add up if everyone gets one so we've just opted out. But today a sweet friend was Santa and delivered tshirts somebody bought my kiddos. I will be the first to admit that it's humbling to receive gifts like that. It's a good humbling and the beauty of the gift often exceeds the swallowing of the pride. So tears today over tshirts.

Galatians 3:
Paul and his wordy ways of making his point is causing my brain to melt. Thankful to be saved by grace.


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Sunday, November 20, 2016

Little Dude

I love love love my little dude but wrangling him while trying to help man a green room, concession stand and get six other kids help to go on stage is a whip!! One last performance tomorrow. Overall this show was pretty low maintenance and stress free. The four performances is not something I'm used to though. Two is kinda awesome. Three would probably be perfect. I now understand why the old timers were bemoaning an encore performance. My kids love it though and probably would love to go for a longer run. Not I said the fly. Excited about Wednesday and jumping on the lazy train. Toot toot!

Galatians 2:
Every time I read this chapter my mind wants to explode and my heart rejoices. I simply can not fully grasp the fullness of the message of the gospel. It's simple and yet so hard to fully take hold of.

Tonight I wonder what the modern day "circumcision party" is. What are the things I believe to be things that save but are merely law or worse man made law? I think the greater question is what are the things I boast in? Jews could boast in the physical act of circumstance having made the right "choices" or done the "right" actions to become more holy. Oh how I love to think better of myself or my own actions. My latest is being arrogant about the arrogance of others. It feels good to point out the sin of others all the while sinning. I wish being right or esteemed or valuable or all those things didn't feel so good. But it does! It tickles the flesh. This chapter obliterates it all.

1. Being Johnny Be Follow the law doesn't matter. We are saved by grace and grace alone.

2. Being esteemed or of high rank or position means nothing to God.

3. Being a highly esteemed leader doesn't mean that you aren't vulnerable to sin and leading others astray in your hypocrisy and sin.

Truly being a leader of anything seems incredibly terrifying at this stage of the game for me.

Jesus humility is so difficult. Help me to think less of myself and crush the pride and arrogance out. Give me eyes to truly see people and not elevate myself at the expense of another even if just in my own eyes.


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Saturday, November 19, 2016


Thankful for kiddos getting rest today. Dallergies and the time change have had them whack. They got up ate breakfast and the four bigs crawled right back to bed.

1. Thankful for allergy meds.

2. Thankful for littles in footie pajamas.

3. Thankful for cozy napping weather.

4. Thankful for cereal Saturday.

5. Thankful for yummy chili and garlic bread.

6. Thankful for watching six of my kids jam it up on stage. Each one so different and so wonderful.

7. Thankful for grace when I get crossways with a kiddo and for heartfelt hugs that communicates all is forgiven on both sides.

8. Thankful for wound up babies who don't want to sleep and wound up bigs who won't sleep either.

9. Thankful for God's word and how it totally flips everything upside down and inside out.

Galatians 1:
Possibly odd verses to latch onto for today but maybe not.

"They only heard the report: "The man who formerly persecuted us is now preaching the faith he once tried to destroy." And they praised God because of me."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:23-24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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Well Hello Fall!

1. Pumped about fall showing up finally. I so want seasons. All four of them!

2. Another performance down at RPL. Fun to watch my kiddos. All of them so very different and so very wonderful. Thankful for an activity they can all do together!

3. Thankful for friends who showed up to watch the play tonight.

4. Thankful for friends who bring us food. I will never say no to a meal. I'm always amazed when somebody wants to feed our crew.

Psalm 144:
"Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭144:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Every day is a battle. Thankful that the Lord equips me. Thankful that the Lord is my fortress and my provision!


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Thursday, November 17, 2016

Prop Them Open With Sticks

1. Tonight was my favorite family night at our little coop. Fun to see my girl dance and this time not be so anxious about it. Thankful for the opportunity for my kids to learn things I never would be able to pull off. Thankful.

2. Bummed over my boy's bday. It was just off and there wasn't much to do about it. I could not keep my eyes open today either which was a big bust. His gift wasn't the immediate hit but I think he'll get the hang of it. To add to the fun his brother got five stitches from a broken glass. He handled all of it with much grace and compassion. I love that little dude. So blessed by that kid.

3. Very very very behind on life. Good news though is because I gave up on stress for the rest of the year I'm not all that concerned about it. My brain is broken, I've got horrible insomnia, and can't function much but it's a season and eventually I'll dig out of it. As long as kids help keep common areas picked up I might survive or rather we all might survive.

4. Feeling this baby move a lot more and still blown away by the miracle of life. It's beautiful and I'm thankful.

Psalm 37:
"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭37:23-24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Such an encouraging Psalm especially in light of the climate in our nation these days. These verses are beautiful to me because although I feel as if I've stumbled around a lot the Lord has still graciously kept me upright. He is so very very good.


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Lots Of Thinks

Lots of thinks today but holy smokes it's almost 2am and I need to get my butt in bed.

Hit hard with a sweet crying boy sad and a bit scared about turning seven. Six was good, five not so much and he's apprehensive about what seven may bring. It does make me want to bomb places and disparage others but that simply doesn't change the fact that four and five was really hard for that kid. Four changed everything and I can go nuts in anger and frustration over lack of understanding or I can trust God that He has this precious boy in His hands and He can make all things beautiful. My bitterness will do nothing to change anything for good. Judgement and vengeance is the Lord's and in His hands I will place it.

Lots of thoughts on babies and people leaving a season that I seem to perpetually stay in. No time to elaborate but thankful for beautiful perspective tonight and for eyes to see things in a different light.

Lots of other thinks but will have to wait for another day. Still being up is not going to serve anyone tomorrow.

Psalm 139:
Thankful to be known intimately by my Creator. Crazy wonderful to stop and think about.


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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Rapunzel Hair, Rapunzel Hair. Two Hours Brushing Rapunzel Hair.

1. I'm a stubborn turd and very much confronted with how I use anger to self protect. I don't have any desire to be Jesus but I sure do wish I acted more like Him. Dealing with my humanity is obnoxious.

2. Thankful for time with friends tonight. I didn't think I was going to make it due to crazy exhaustion but several ginormous cups of Coke helped. Now I'm going to be up till 4am but got to knock out some bday surprise shopping so at least caffeinated time well spent.

3. Spend over two hours brushing out the hair of my three darling daughters. I think I skipped my weekly maintenance brushing of the hair last week and we all payed for it today. I would love for all three to have a cute short bob. I think that would solve lots of issues. But alas the two oldest want hair as long as Rapunzel's.

4. "With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭108:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Monday, November 14, 2016

Go To Bed Pumpkin Head

1. 99.9% sure we have step in our camp. Thought it was a possibility but a look at a throat tonight looks like a classic case. Just like hearing about lice makes your head itch a case of strep sure does make a throat twinge.

2. Les and I have both had weird hip socket pain. Could be a coincidence but wondering if we have yet another bizarre virus. So many fascinating viruses in the world. Kinda ready for our family to stop being hosts this fall.

3. Good last day of PATH for the year. I love when it starts and I love when it ends.

4. So thankful to be in bed.

Psalm 107:
"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent out his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭107:19-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

So thankful!


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Sunday, November 13, 2016


I'm way too tired to be staring this crazy fest off this week. Need to write 27 notes but may need to cram it in all day tomorrow. Eek!

Still chewing on lots and lots and lots of stuff. Interesting how it seems evil people are preying on the hurts of people right now. These indeed are more interesting times than I thought. Reminded again that swaying too far to the left or to the right can be very dangerous.

Matthew 5:
Divorce & Oathes. Still so much to go back over and dig into. I really love the SOTM.


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Hello Africa My Old Friend

1. Hosted crappy dinner for Supper Club. Goes along wonderfully for no stress for the rest of the year. Was thinking it's about time to have a big ole group of neighbors over. They might not know and love us enough to come late but maybe people really do just want crappy dinner with people. Maybe it will be my new my experiment.

2. Think I have a better pulse on my Trump mania. Him winning has really thrown me off. These are the handles I have so far.
- I'm still really angry at the church. I'm not mad at the Church but I've always struggled with American Christianity off and on. I think the Right Wing Christian Conservative movement is the thing that has me grossed out this post election season. I think there are so many inconsistencies in the thinking and most of it becomes rules based rather than heart based. I hate to things into groups like that and I know that not all Right Wing conservatives are fundamentalist or hypocrites. There's just part of it that grosses me out and so I think that's what makes me feel like vomiting.

- There is part of me that thinks great we voted for Trump, he won now Christian credibility is forever destroyed. That's simply not true. I do think America is going to get who they voted for but Jesus is still on His throne. Maybe we needed this shake up to even see just how much hurt and pain is out there. I do think we are seeing the true hearts of men right now though in some ways. It's sad, but Jesus is much greater. So I realized part of my own despair over Trump is a lack of trusting the Lord. He is the one who placed Trump in his position. He is Sovereign and He is oh so good. People earnestly prayed over who to vote for. Although we can be stumbling blocks for so many reasons the Lord is still much bigger. If people are His there's nothing we can do to snatch His beloved out of His hands. So the fear and it is indeed fear that I'm bucking up against just isn't based on reality. Those who love Jesus will continue to be His hands and feet regardless of this election outcome.

-I think I've felt crazy the last several days because I had walked through Clinton winning. I had a great Peace about her becoming president. I just never thought Trump would actually win and so I didn't have the time and space to wrap my head about what I believe about it all. For whatever reason I need time and space to wrestle and figure out where I land on some of this stuff.

- I'm not generally a crier but man have I been weeping the last couple days. I think it's been a build up of being more aware of the pain and hurt of those around me.

3. My boy came up to me yesterday and told me that he'd love to go to Africa someday. I remembered that today as I was driving around running a few errands. Where did the girl go who wanted to move to Africa? Who wanted to move to South Dallas or somewhere inner city? That girl got wrapped up in suburbia land. There's nothing wrong with living in the suburbs and doing your thang for JC but how do I make this typical life look different than it does. How do I give my kids a glimpse into something outside themselves? I think it's time to start serving together as a family. We still have crazy littles but we also have bigger bigs. I want them to see a world they don't see everyday.

4. My poor hubs had a telling dream last night. I do think I can turn inwards when I'm really wrestling it out. I figured out today when I'm really trying to figure it out or get handles and I turn inward what I really need is extended quiet and time away with the Lord. He is good. He is kind. He is gentle. He calms the raging seas and lovingly whispers His truth.

5. Mulling on what it means to cut off your hand or gouge out your eye in light of temptation.

6. Whoops! Didn't hit send last night.


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Saturday, November 12, 2016

There Was No Win But What Do We Do Now?

I was probably pretty naive to think this election Crazy would be over or at least on its way to blowing over on the 9th. Although, I expected a different outcome. I was preparing for a different set of possible challenges ahead. I'm in my own personal turmoil as I try to make sense of things in my head. It's the old adage "what would Jesus do?" But really, what would He do? If I am born to privilege based upon my skin color and the country that I live in how can I best use that to glorify God? How can I use that privilege to bless others? Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it?? I don't know. I do know that I blew off the idea of white privileged for a long time. It's hard to stop being defensive and be willing to listen to another perspective. Much easier to just blow off the ideas, thoughts, feelings and experiences of others to beat suit myself.

The bigger realization in all the crazy of late is realizing just how much we have turned away from Jesus. I'm grieved for those who suffer without hope. Saddened for those who fear but fear without ever experiencing the comfort of the Lord. Those who struggle but struggle without knowing amazing grace. Jesus help us use this time to stop trying to justify ourselves but rather give us the courage to be humble and to listen and to share the hope and love that only you can offer.

So true to form as a feeler and non detailed oriented person I read an article posted on the FB and shared it. First pass through I completely missed the tone. I probably read it with tears streaming down my face. I wept and then I posted it. Somebody mentioned it was hateful and so I gave it a second glance. Yeah it definitely had angry bitter tones and lots of finger pointing to White Christian Trump voters. I completely missed the white part when I first read it. See I'm color blind. Yeah not really. The tone of the article actually reminds me of my man hate days. I've had the same kind of anger and hate and all of it was the result of hurt. There are absolutely depraved people on both sides of the equation but I do think many are hurting. I do think white privilege unfortunately blinds me from seeing what's really going on. I don't want to pretend that I will ever get it because I won't. It's the same for people who have never experienced sexual assault, you can't possibly know what you don't know. A persons view of the world does indeed change when they have experienced oppression. I'm ready to have some handles on all of this. I'm ready to know how to respond in love. I will say after all this insanity I definitely remember why I checked out of politics. It is so tempting to completely just check out again.

So ready for Jesus to come back! Until then, God give me the courage to love people like you do. Let me not waver in truth but teach me how to love like crazy.

Matthew 5:
Raca. Hate how easy it is for me to tell raca towards my brothers and sisters. Again arrogance, arrogance, arrogance is the culprit.


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Friday, November 11, 2016

It's Kinda Like Living With A Tornado

Sitting down in the kinda quiet and now realize I'm ready to pass out. Knocking out calendars for the rest of the year has been a whip today. It's going to be a crazy busy couple weeks. I don't do busy very well anymore. I'm not doing much well right now anyway. Let's just say if one of my kiddos hadn't found hidden toilet paper today then we'd be using socks for toilet paper tomorrow except that clean laundry is a rarity too. Our go to I'm out of groceries cereal is out too. Oy! Adulting is pretty hard for me. God bless the functional people in this world because if they were all like me we'd be so screwed.

The things I'm blaming my extra special functioning on.

1. Extra special fun low blood pressure. I know it's probably even lower than usual and I'm feeling every low degree of it.

2. I've been nauseous this week. What the truck!?! Yep, I might throw up here in a bit.

3. I STILL feel wiped from the two months of Election Plague.

4. With schooling comes more Bit the Tornado. She's lovely and I'm thankful I've chilled enough to not throw her across the sky but that girl is constantly destroying something. She's nonstop. It's like living with Ramona on speed. Everybody loves Ramona though. How can you not?!?!?

5. Adrenal Fatigue yeah but.... I need to get on that adrenal diet Hi but that requires my brain to work and the ability to plan and go to a grocery store. Bahahahahaha!!!! I really should just hibernate for five months. I'd do my family just as much good. I don't mean that in a self deprecating shameful fashion, more just like fact and more fact is that I can't do much to change it so I'm embracing it once more. Glad to be embracing it with less shame each time. Growing a human is no small feat. Worth it but not easy.

I was angry at my kids for multiple things today. Mainly they were just being kids but the coffee wasn't strong enough today. So if they get grace for being kids do I get grace for being a human parent? I know I do but man it's not easy. Thankful for moments of embraces and affection and laughter in the midst of all of our humanity.

Still much to process on the election. Not caring is so much easier though. Thankfully I didn't have energy to be worked up. I'm ready to not be worked up but more pondering, pondering, pondering.

Matthew 5:
Lots of pondering loosing saltiness and oh so much thinking to do on the fulfillment of the law.

I wonder if arrogance is what makes one loose its saltiness. Oh how I wish I could purge all the arrogance and urges to be arrogant out of me. It would be arrogant to think that I could ever accomplish such a feat.


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Wednesday, November 09, 2016


1. Thankful to drown my sorrows over a disaster tonight. I might have just eaten a disaster for dinner tonight and it was fabulous.

2. As a feeler, I've swung from grief to anger all day today. The same fears some Christians have had about loosing religious freedoms is the same fear others are feeling now. My heart aches for those fearful and hurting today. It just seems like a loss of religious freedom would do nothing but increase the strength of the church. We suffer but not as those who have no hope. Now those with no hope fear suffering. I'm really kinda messed up about this. Did Christians in America compromise and trade in protecting their freedoms at the cost of disenfranchised people's freedoms instead? I don't know and I certainly hope not.

3. I'm too tired to really process through everything but need some time and space to put my thoughts into some sort of order. The ENFP in me can't be sane for too long without sorting it all out.

Matthew 5:
Taking a slow stroll through here as it came more to life to me today in my prayer closet.

""You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:13‬ ‭NIV‬

Oh Jesus help make us salty again.


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No Words

1. Can't do this tonight. So many thoughts but not enough focus to write them down.

2. Woke up with my hubs song in my head. Thankful for so much today.

3. Saw a Trump Meme about Canadians being snow Mexicans. Even though I feel much more somber now it still makes me laugh.

4. Election didn't turn out the way I thought it would. My jaw might still be on the ground. I might still be waiting for somebody to jump out and yell "April Fools!" But alas this election is real life.

5. I hope the pragmatists were right and voted wisely. The idealist in me really thinks compromising on character could turn out worse in the long run, like way worse. Hope I'm a thousand percent wrong.

6. Although not fearful and felt light hearted most of the day I'm really sad for our nation tonight.

7. Bummed third party didn't get at least 5% of the vote. I'm really over this broken two party system. There's so many inconsistencies on both sides.

Psalm 118:
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭118:8-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Thankful that no matter what tomorrow or the next four years may hold the Lord is my refuge.


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Monday, November 07, 2016

Oh I Love The Rainy Nights

1. Loving the rain but man does it make me sleepy.

2. Woke up at 4:30 convinced my alarm clock was about to go off. I was overjoyed to find out I had two more wonderful hours to sleep. Thanks to my Benadryl haze I was able to happily drift off to sleep.

3. Ready for Tuesday to be over but I think it could be worse after Tuesday. There are many like me who wont be all that shaken up over what flavor of evil we get. But there are a lot of people who loathe one side or the other. Our country is so polarized. Feel much peace going into tomorrow but I do mourn over the state of our country.

4. My hubs made a lovely pot of beans which were perfect for tonight. Actually fired up about Rice N Beans Week 2016.

5. Continuing to think on how we can serve together as a family and how to get our kiddos and ourselves out of the bubble.

Galatians 4:
"So you are no longer a slave, but Godʼs child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Taking it all in. Taking it all in.


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Sunday, November 06, 2016

Never Woke Up

1. Never fully woke up today.

2. Lots of things I'm pondering. Chewing on what our treasure is as a family after church today. There are so many good things to do, get kids involved in, etc. I don't want to waste time chasing the wind. Not everything good is profitable. Since we are such a vapor I want to make sure we are investing in things that are eternal. Sports and extracurricular stuff is awesome but that all takes away from serving neighbors, and doing other things that invest in things that are eternal. To double dip is kinda the best but still really realizing how busyness steals joy and life. I don't know, lots to think on. I do know that I can't do go, go, go anymore. My adrenals are too shot and having seven wonderful tagalongs on their own plans with their own hopes can make it craZy. I'm done with being stressed over stupid things. Or at least I want to be. I do think some of it is indeed a choice.

3. I'm so excited about sleep!!

Galatians 3:
Paul really drives home the point of being saved by faith not through works. So easy to get that flipped. I have enjoyed more sermons on abundant grace. Personally I don't think we can hear that message too much. It's the Lord's kindness that leads us to repentance.

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Saturday, November 05, 2016

One Day They Will Be Mine Again

Well the plan is to wean Mudge one day. Right now as his stomach is still totally whack he is Mr. Nurse A Lot. One day my boobs will be mine again. They will be sad looking after the decade or more of feeding children but alas they will be completely mine again. It will be a glorious day and slightly sad but probably more glorious.

I really got nothing. Tired after Mudge drama last night. This too shall pass. He's so darn cute. Can't be mad at the little guy.

Galatians 2:
Need to sit a chew on this a bit. Thankful we are justified through Christ alone.

"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!""
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭2:21‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Friday, November 04, 2016

The Casting Of Lots

So I voted today. It actually felt really good. I think I've already grieved over this election and what it says about America. Today felt more like a casting of lots and trusting that the Lord is in control. Thankful for a candidate to vote for that doesn't violate my conscience to vote for. Hopeful that even if this election is not changed that maybe in the future things can change. As brutal and obnoxious as this election period has been I think the aftermath will be much worse. Thankful my hope does not come from who wins. God will still be on His throne November 9th.

Kinda over the stomach funk. Like really. It's been a wild fall.

Galatians 1:
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭1:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Approval of man. Gah! Oh how I wish I didn't really care. Part of me even believes that I don't yet I got a good dose of how untrue this really is the last couple years. Ouch!


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Thursday, November 03, 2016

Self Control

Read a really interesting article about self control. According to research those who appear to have more self control than others seem to actually be tempted less often than those who struggle more with self control. There are so many things to chew on in this article but another quality that those who have better self control is planning. An example it sighted was wanting to get up early. Those who are successful plan ahead and put their alarms across the room so that they can be more successful in rising early. If they are trying to eat better they pick a route that doesn't pass in front of a donut shop. Made me wonder how much of my struggle with self control could be avoided if I did things like did a better job at self care. Guess which kind of parents are less likely to loose their cool? Well rested, well fed, gas not empty, and not over scheduled and busy parents. It seems there are certain actions that I can take to help with "self control" but there seems to be a lot that really needs to just be surrendered to the Lord. There's a limit to one's ability to manufacture self control and it seems when we fail guilt and shame is often what ensues afterwards. I will be chewing on this one for awhile. What to do for those of us like me who really stink at planning?? Oy! Looks like the answer is Jesus. Want more self control don't be self reliant.

Psalm 95:
Oh the Lord is good! Humbled by His great love and mercy for me.

"Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭95:1-2‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Wednesday, November 02, 2016

By Jove! I Think You Might Be On To Something!

My hubs is pretty brilliant. He has boiled down the division this election to pragmatists and idealists. A pragmatist is more likely going to view this whole thing through the lens of what the end goal is going to be. I think this is why pragmatists response to a third party vote is "that's a vote for Hillary"!!!! The end goal driving the voting decision is the Supreme Court Justice nominees. Idealists on the other hand care much less about the end goal and are more concerned about the journey along the way. Neither is wrong and both views are needed in this world. But it makes sense why one argument would sway people and yet not move the needle at all for others. I've really never thought about how much viewing the world in this light effects how you do lots of things or well how you do everything. This explains why some people are very successful goal setters and others simply aren't. To me the journey is just as important if not more important than the end goal. It might also be why I'm captivated by people's stories. The journey matters a lot to me. The end goal is great but without an incredible journey, meh. I'm just really excited about this revelation today. Ah the beauty of knowing thyself and understanding others better.

Psalm 72:
Interesting read in light of today. Come quickly King Jesus!

"He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight."
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭72:14‬ ‭NIV‬‬


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Tuesday, November 01, 2016

Buckle Up

Well, last night after all the shenanigans of the day I realized that I had a midwife appt today. There's beauty to having appts at home and there's also great disadvantages. Our house has been extra special since the sickness descended upon us. I've had no energy. Like none. Like I can't get off the couch though I know I should kind of energy. Thankfully I've felt somewhat more normal the last two days. My midwife even mentioned that I look better. But pre-appt there was a mad scramble to make our house not look so extra special. I must say having it cleaner has done a world of difference for my mindset. Our room is still in need of some serious help, thank you Bit! But overall feel more caught up. Laundry is a different story but since our dishwasher was fixed yesterday maybe our dish situation won't be so dire.

Ready for this election to be over. I really don't care what the outcome is I'm just ready for it to be done. Everybody has a reason for their vote and I think that's really swell but I'm over hearing about thrown away votes and votes for somebody if not for somebody else. Fear Factor was cancelled a long time ago and I never really watched it much anyway. This election is judgement so I'm not thinking it's going to turn out very well either way. Let's buckle up and see what flavor of evil we are going to get for four years.

Saw a great quote the other day that I'm really chewing on and want to embrace. I'll butcher it but..
At first I wanted to change the world. Then I thought changing the church was the way to go but decided the best good would be to just change myself instead.

I don't think I can change myself at least long term anyway but I really like the gist of it and it resonated with me. I can't wait till my pride exists no more in heaven. I know pride is not the only vice I struggle with but I think it's definitely the most offensive. Hate it.

2 P 3:
"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."
‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭3:8-9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I'm so thankful the Lord is so very patient.


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