Saturday, November 26, 2016

Thankschilling Part Two

Another great day of lazy. I have friends who conquered the world and trimmed trees and did their part to solve the world's problems and I happily stayed in pj's again. Have I mentioned that comfort and sloth are an idol of mine? I do feel a teeny tiny bit ready to attack advent this year so that's something and more hammering out of the family calendar. Tomorrow I'll get back on the laundry train and try to get caught up. Oh my!

I do have lots of thoughts on lots of things but have often felt like it's futile to even try to get it out because all of it just leads to more questions with no answers. 

I want much more than this provincial life

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell
And for once it might be grand to have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned

I guess lately I have wondered what are we spinning our wheels for? Everybody seems so busy all the time and why and for what? I think I'm still churning on a sermon I heard several weeks ago. I had a wild baby squirming in my hands or else I would have jotted down my thoughts exactly. Now they are a bit fuzzy but I think it had to do with our treasure?? That's not the full crux of it but in light of my eyes being open to hurt unimaginable everywhere and pondering many things, I can't help but wonder what race are we really running? What am I trying to teach my kids and for what purpose? I think the tail can wag the dog so easily in almost anything or everything. There has to be more than this DFW life. So that's probably not fair but there has to be more than this American life. I think the focus is all wrong. My focus is all wrong. We will have eight kids. Eight kids entrusted to us. I don't want the tail to wag the dog. I don't want to get caught up in the supposed to or just because that's the way it's done or going with the flow but not ever really know why or what for. I think maybe I'm just in a new phase maybe I'll call it my WHY phase. 

I think in my head the picture I've painted is a series of circles or rather circles inside circles. God being the center circle and everything else surrounding that circle. God is the epicenter right? 

I don't think I like this way of thinking about life anymore. Maybe it needs to be more like this for me.

God is the big circle. Whether I want to draw Him as my center core or not He is the Big Circle. God ultimately decides whether or not I take my next breath. I may make plans but He can throw them out the window however or whenever He so chooses. I think if He's in my little circle I get bent out of shape when things don't go my way. Hey! You are my center why isn't this going the way I PLANNED!?!?

I don't think I really like the orderly formulaic bullseye either and maybe it should be more like this?

It looks like an angry amoeba. That would be an incredible band name if I do say so myself. I know these silly pictures really do nothing but maybe granite what I'm thinking in my own way. I need some handles. I'm dying for some handles. I feel like I'm constantly being flipped upside down on my head. It's a good thing but my adult life at this point feels like an undoing of what I thought I knew. Pretty much every idea or framework I had has been completely smashed. So I'm standing in a field with my smashed frame of the house I thought I was trying to build and I'm left scratching my head and at times my booty too. It's a great place to be though. Lord here's the pieces you have completely smashed. How good are you to have smashed it all in such a kind, gentle and loving way? You are so good. Lord I confess I've put you in that small little circle in the center and I've tried to call the shots the way I saw fit. My way has caused chaos and my own frustration. You have been so patient with me in the process though. I feel like I've been missing it though. I'm weary and frustrated by this "provincial" life. There has to be more and I know there is so much more. Will you show us how to fit the pieces inside of YOUR plan for our lives? Will you teach us how to teach our children? I don't want to do school the way I'm supposed to do it. I don't want to do activities because I'm supposed to do it. I don't want to do one more thing just because that's what I think I'm supposed to do or what everybody else does. Help us to be courageous and live courageously outside of the norms and out of the boxes. You did not create this family to be shoved inside a box. Eight kids that were never my plan proves just that. I'm grateful for all that you've done and continue to do. Lord I'm sitting in a field with smashed lumber and no blueprint. It's a beautiful place to be. Lead us, guide us, build what we could never ourselves imagine. We love you. 


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