Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Golden Slumbers

1. I should have taken a five hour nap today.

2. Reading and then hoping for a golden slumber.


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Monday, January 30, 2017

I Need You More Than Anything

1. Good first day of coop. Good kid mix in my classes. Went to the park afterwards and I'm paying the Piper big time. Kind of at a loss as to what to throw at these allergies these days. Modified diet and I'm popping pills like crazy. I guess it's time to switch up allergy Meds again. So frustrating. This city is killing me softly.

2. Heart hurting tonight for precious friends. This world can be so hard. Oh how beautiful heaven will be when all is set right and we are no longer hindered by sin, hurt and pain. Jesus please come quickly.

3. I'm pretty confident we are now witnessing the fall of Rome. End of the world? Maybe but end of a lovely country I think yes. I don't know what I think about anything anymore. I want someone nonbiased and smart to come and hold my Hand and walk this Momma brain through all of this all the while not telling me what to think or to feel or what the "right" answer is. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I need to be anchored in Jesus. My heart is too deceitful, I know I am ripe to allow bitterness to cloud judgement, I can be a bleeding heart, I can be zealous for Jesus but screw it up because I've got it slightly off, etc. It's so crazy easy to almost hit the mark but those slight twists in truth can be the most horrible ones. I feel like I'm sitting on top of a mountain trying to discern what is real and what is counterfeit and it all looks mostly the same. I'm not pretending I have a single damn answer with all the mess going on.

4. Want to head to the mountains before all hell truly breaks out.

5. Thankful for Jesus. Oh so thankful for Jesus.


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Sunday, January 29, 2017

Let Me Sleep

1. I am a grumpy beastly beast. Thankful for a quiet house and everyone mostly ready for coop in the morning. I don't know how people get kids ready for school day in and day out. I suppose if our kids did school it everyday it would only be getting four ready and I wouldn't have to figure out what to do for classes myself. But I'd have a bazillion papers to sign, science fair projects and other things that were not on my agenda. Yeah for now maybe just maybe the work cancels each other out. Pros and cons to each that's for sure. All that to say I'm thankful for the journey we are on for the moment. Not guaranteed tomorrow but for today I'm thankful.

2. Okay so I'm happy to report that I missed going to church today. This is a huge victory that I will not neglect to give thanks for. It made more sense to just park it at home today for multiple reasons. Thankful that not going has highlighted God's faithfulness to me. He is good.

3. Spurred on by a friend who truly is committed to observing the Sabbath. Her schedule is crazy insane and I could see how easily it would have been to justify working on Sunday. Yet she has chosen not to and it has been a sustaining blessing. I've felt that need to observe a Sabbath for quite some time. Think it's time to get off the horse.


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So Wake Me Up When It's All Over

1. Oh this title reminds me of my precious girl using her pipes in a play. Heard her singing Stay by Lisa Loeb tonight and again just taken aback by how pleasant it is to hear her belt it out.

2. Good day of not accomplishing anything much but watched kids create things. One kiddo built a bird house from scrap wood with his awesome and hot father and other kids worked on sewing monster creations and various other things. Makes my heart happy to see them building and creating things and using the creative and artistic minds that God has given them.

3. Got caught up on the happenings of today and I kinda want to crawl in a hole and be woken up when it's all over. I might have seen Team America back in the day. It's horrible and it's funny but a leave you feeling guilty kinda funny. There's a song in it "America F Yeah!" and it's awful but also awfully funny until it's stuck in your head. Today it's not funny. I don't even have words for headlines today. The double standards on both sides just seems more than I can bear.

4. Jesus as much as I want to wretch at hypocrisy on both sides I know I must be riddled with my own. God in your gracious mercy examine my heart and reveal the areas in my life that don't line up with truth and righteousness. All my good deeds are a pile of dog poop. My heart is so deceitful and it's prideful and arrogant. Create in me a clean heart. Jesus I cling to you desperately during this time. I know how easily compassion can lead without truth or wisdom. I'm desperate for you to teach me your ways.


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Saturday, January 28, 2017

It Makes Me Wonder

Need to go to bed. Felt incredibly off today. Not the tigers blood I should be feeling. I think low blood pressure kicked my butt today. I need to be chugging water.

Up way too late researching Margaret Sanger. So many things strike me as ironic. The Women's Rights March being one of them. They embrace an organization that has said more horrendous and offensive things about race, poor people, immigrants, etc than Trump has ever said. I see more and more of this irony than ever before.

The other very interesting thing is that the same arguments Sanger had for ministers and churches to embrace birth control are often the ones I hear justifying getting "fixed" and for using birth control in the church today. I wouldn't say that forms of both control that are not abortifacient are sinful but I do wonder how much the church has contributed to the culture of death in our country simply by the way we have also embraced the birth control culture which was vastly made popular by Margaret Sanger. Let that soak in a minute. Have we failed to be salt and light in this area? Something is incredibly messed up when kids are considered a nuisance in a church service. How many kids were kicked out of church services across the country while pastors preached on the sanctity of life this past Sunday? I know in one local church children two and under are not even allowed in the sanctuary because they might disrupt the taping of the service. I do wonder if there's any side that fully holds to the "truths" or the "passions" they believe in. Jesus give me clarity and more importantly a humble heart. Teach me what Your truth is. May that truth not be stained by the wisdom of this world. May I cling to grace, grace and more grace.


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Thursday, January 26, 2017


1. There's no momentum going on in this house this week. It's drag, draggity, drag. Hard to focus when Grammy is a lot more fun than school and this Momma has had zilch energy. It's all good! The weekend is a-coming!

2. Struggling to put together a remaining family calendar thru March. Normally not this ahead of the game but lots of pieces that need to be crammed into the next two months before we are in Frying Pan's entry window. Two birthdays, supper club, five year old trip, eight year old day away and various other odds and ends along with a completely unknown work schedule for March. Scheduled induction and c-sections sounds kinda awesome right now with so many unknowns. BUT not knowing and rolling the dice is mighty fun too. With a three week Brown Baby spread it makes it all the more exciting. Thankful God holds all the details in His hands.

3. Feel like we are entering a different season of "do you trust me" with the Lord. Didn't put the two together but didn't hurt that the middle boys had to listen to Unknown Land in Parables of Nature. I have no idea how any of it is going to work together at all but I have total confidence that if we keep walking forward in faith in this Unknown Land it's going to all fit together. One step forward at a time. Thankful to not be unnerved and instead excited about all that we'll get to see God do. I'll take this kind of a season any day over some of the alternatives. Coasting, smooth and predictable is nice but oh so boring.

4. Need to read and then hopefully lots of sleep. Woke up this morning so sad. I truly felt like I had just shut my eyes and that there was no way it was morning already. I've felt really off today too. Must be the unclean bacon I ate this morning. Can't bring myself to spend one million dollars on a pound of clean bacon. Hurray for the slackers whole 30.


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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I don't what it is about the last day of my hubs being gone but the wheels always seem to fly off. Kids were crazy and I was tired from another night of kiddie whack-a-mole. Last night felt a bit like sleep torture. Hoping tonight will be different. It will be different! I CAN NOT WAIT FOR MY HUBS TO BE HOME!!!

I'm so thankful for my mom enduring our extra special crazy with a broken vacuum and only one working toilet. Her being here helped preserve me from just being ready for the Calvary to be here and instead rejoicing over my hubs being home. So excited!!

Think that's all I got as he will be here hopefully within the hour. Need to get my never sleeping kids to bed so I can hog him all to myself.


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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Homeward Bound

1. Not enough sleep last night. My poor Mudge was up in the middle of the night. He was sweet as could be but just couldn't get comfortable. I suspect a possible ear infection in the works. His cough still sounds awful. GRR POLLEN!!!!!!

2. Been nice having my mom here. She's been a big help and a great distraction for kiddos missing their Daddy. Thankful.

3. Really really thankful for the gift of today with this little pumpkin thrashing around in my belly. Not sure if not having a single sonogram has helped just be thankful for the gift of today or what. Maybe just being AMA and knowing that the older I get the greater the miracle the gift of life. Probably feeling better due to kicking the gluten and other junk to the curb isn't hurting my ability to be thankful. If pollen was completely kicking my tail I might actually feel human right now. I haven't been Whole 30 perfect by any stretch of the imagination but to the best of my knowledge I'm not purposefully cheating. I did hit Pollo Tropical several times and I'm pretty confident butter was an ingredient and probably some hidden sugar but eh I'm not sweating it.

4. Just got lost in a FB wormhole. I jumped on there for a perfectly good reason that I forgot. The FB is an amazing sociological experiment right now. I'm kinda addicted. I think I would have really enjoyed sociology but I do wonder how many Christian sociologists there are. Seems to be very liberally slanted and getting the other side of the story is often omitted. That's not true learning. What a world we live in.

5. So excited about my hubs coming home!!!

6. Hard reading the Exodus and knowing I'm a complainer just like the Israelites. One minute they are rejoicing over God's rescue and the awesome power on display of the parting of the Red Sea. Days later they are grumbling and complaining. I really just want to say, you idiots!!! BUT I'm guilty just like they are. I'm am absolutely blind to God's daily provision and the common grace He sheds on me every single day. Complaining about the mundane. Seriously what an idiot! Ugh! My children have to eat three times a day!!! What a fool I am. Tomorrow mothers around the world will bury their children simply because they starved to death. They would spend all day long in the kitchen cooking three meals a day most joyfully. Perspective changes so much. Stopping to have eyes that see and are able to give thanks is life giving.


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This Is My Story, This Is My Song

Today has been one of those fire in the bones kinda day. So much greatness around every corner and pieces fitting together. Yet today was also hard. Started the morning talking through church and the sermon with my kiddos. I love them being in the service with me and I love discussing the sermon with them. I love getting what stood out to them. Even when it seems like they are not listening it's soaking in and I'm thankful. Such sweetness unpacking grace to them from the perspective of a slave and slave owner. Much harder to later confess my sin to them later and accept their grace. But beautiful talking points. All of us learning together and them understanding fully that this Momma clutches to her need for grace daily.

I forget so quickly and so easily though. I have that breaking of bread reminder three times daily yet I forget. Grace changes everything. It's beautiful and I'm so thankful for God's infinite grace in my life.

Today as I was putting Mudgey down for a nap I was struck again by how much beauty and heartache can be in a person's story. For me personally, I feel a new charge to live out that story embracing the fullness of freedom and grace. I don't think that story is supposed to be about being entangled in a million kid activities and busyness and rushing and living the soccer mom life. I really thought I'd be an awesome working soccer mom someday with my two kids, a boy and a girl of course. I'd tote that ice chest in my red Rodeo and carry it to the fields sporting my ponytail and beloved baseball cap. I don't want to live in that mold. I want to break it and shatter it. God has blessed me with seven kids and one baking. For whatever reason He's lead us on an off the beaten path direction. I don't want to follow the norms with anything else anymore. I've got one life here on earth and I want to live it fully with Jesus rejecting as many American norms as I possibly can. Feels damn good to know I was born to be a rule breaker.

Thinking on my own story got me thinking about Jesus. I think I've found my place. I don't know exactly what it looks like yet but story is the key. Jesus was able to relate to people so much because He knew their story. He could meet the woman at the well and have nothing but love for her because He knew her entire story so intimately. It's such a gift to be entrusted with someone's story. Knowing someone's story gives so much insight into why people do what they do and are passionate about what they are passionate about and believe in what they believe in. So story it is and I'm making it my mission to get to know as many peoples story as I possibly can. As an added bonus I want to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep as much as I can as well be it beloved friends and family or nearly complete strangers. Thankful to rejoice with a woman who found out today that her boss is allowing her time off to go visit friends and family back in Pakistan. It's been seven years since she has visited. What a joy to rejoice with her today.

Thankful for fire in the bones once again and for knowing at least for now my place.


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Sunday, January 22, 2017

What Time Is It?

1. Sweet friends now have more insight into my crazy mind. A simple question has been ruined forever by the Spin Doctors. Now that I've thought about the Spin Doctors Two Princesses will softly or not so softly resound into my head till morning.

2. I feel I have much to unload or unpack or something. Maybe I've never liked being shoved into a box but I've always loved knowing who my people are. Maybe the past couple years have been slightly tumultuous simply because I don't know who my people are anymore or rather where I fit in. To add to the confusion I know the heart can be deceitful. Pride, hurt, bitterness, selfishness, the world etc can all impact ones views.

3. So didn't want to go to church today. I'm always glad when I've gone but think it will be a long while before I'm truly excited about it again. I pushed through knowing that I'm never going to figure this thing out if I'm not wrestling it out with Jesus by my side.

Today the sermon was on radical hospitality. The way the Rector draws stuff out of scripture amazes me. He reminds me of Piper in some ways. Anyway, even his tying hospitality to forgiveness has me scratching my head and wanting to go back and read scripture regarding hospitality. It sure does make a shift in my thinking on all that hospitality includes.

Then the heavens broke way and while he was talking about forgiveness that comes with a great cost and restoration of relationship he has a big BUT. He brings out the four A's that change things a bit and urges people to tread lightly and seek out a pastor for guidance and additional wisdom. The four A's were Abuse, Addiction, Adultery and Abandonment. The fact that the man had a softness and wisdom enough to put a little caveat in a sermon like that speaks volumes or at least it spoke volumes to me. Every Sunday pastors preach and are preaching to a crowd where one fourth of the congregation has been sexually abused. That's just statistics on sexual abuse alone and doesn't even cover the full gamut of abuse. A sensitivity to those crushed by abuse, addiction, adultery and abandonment was so so good for my heart.

4. Off to read. As I watched the rector recite the passage of scripture he was preaching on I had again a great view of seeing him not read it but recite it. It's what he does every week. It's not just a few verses here and there it's full chapters of text. He doesn't recite it in a choppy manner either it's as if he's giving a speak. I saw one other person do this in first hand. She recited the entire book of Philippians. It was without pauses or breaks to try to remember but was spoken with much authority and confidence. I don't know if memorizing long passages of scripture and reciting them in that manner will ever be my thing. However, if I want to know God's heart, truly know God's heart I've gotta breath His Word and when I read remember why I'm reading. I'm not trying to get check marks in heaven. When I started this email 7ish years ago it was out of a mission and a desire to truly know this Christ that I said I wanted to follow. Not a single day has returned void. I've been struggling with the Daily Walk already but I think the appropriate fire has been set to see it through. I do love reading through the Bible. It gives beautiful perspective on the whole thing.


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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Crazy Train

1. Oh how thinking about Ozzie makes me think about good ole S.A. That city loves Ozzie Osbourne or at least it did in the 90's.

2. Pretty sure I need to take a Facebook hiatus. Lent is coming up and it will be a good time to step out of the world of social media and all things that rot my brain. I probably need to step away for my own sanity and jump off the crazy train. Yet I can't stop because I want to make sense of what is going on in the world around me. In my little ENFP brain I must make sense of it somehow because it all fits together into this interlocking puzzle. I NEED to understand how the pieces fit.

It's funny, I detest being put into a box and yet I feel like I'm trying to figure out what damn bucket I belong in now. It's not the liberal bucket and thanks to 2016 and the crazy election it's no longer the republican bucket. I want to be in the Christian bucket but there's so much I've seen come spilling from that side that I really don't like taking on that label sometimes. I'm not ashamed of Christ but I'm just not sure about some of the ways the little church goes about things. Right now there seems to be LOTS of contradictions and I'm really wrestling to figure it out. I'm at least thankful to not be wrestling with Jesus but rather inviting Him into my own internal wrestling.

3. This pollen problem is seriously out of control.

4. My little boy baby is growing up too fast. They all are growing up too fast. My bigs was gone at a party today and with her gone it was easier to see just how much my biggest boy has grown and matured. You would think birthdays would get easier but thinking about my spring birthdays coming up I'm not ready to see them turn 11, 10 and 9. Slow down time!!

5. "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Love how He answers. He hears our cries and He cares.


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Friday, January 20, 2017

It's The End of the World As We Know It

1. Today was going to be somber no matter who was sworn in. Still can't believe our choices this election. Today as I watched the inauguration with the kids or rather with Abbie I was awestruck to be an American. The changing over of power that happens peacefully. I know there has been rioting but that's the exception. Can't help but wonder if we major too much in the minors in America and more importantly as Christians. That's for another day though.

2. Up waaaay too late last night. My womb mate likes to burrow into nooks and crannies that makes most of my days uncomfortable. Been uncomfortable by this bony octopus for over a month now. Love how their little personalities are apparent even while they are still forming in the womb.

3. This was the biggest culprit of lack of sleep last night.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Go To Sleep...

1. Lots of thoughts but got hit with a huge dose of sleepiness. Looks like my kinda Whole 30 is still working it's magic. If my children were not causing a hullabaloo I'd be sawing logs.

2. Going to listen to Exodus and hope my kids don't burn the house down.


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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Funky Town

1. Heart heavy tonight with all that is on the plates of dear friends. Sometimes it seems as if life will simply not let up. Tidal wave after tidal wave crashes in and it feels like feet may never touch the solid ground again.

2. Hoping a young girl is encouraged tonight and knows that the King of kings knows her and loves her dearly.

3. Thankful for many things. Easy to look at our crazy floors and all the other things that need attention and money and get overwhelmed. So great to let that go knowing that just like a teenage girl God also knows and loves us. He says to not worry about tomorrow and that if He cares about the sparrows and dressing the flowers of the field He also will provide for us. I believe this wholeheartedly and by grace alone fear not.

4. Lots of loose ends that need to be tied up but not sure how they will be tied. Thankful none of it will end in death if things aren't not left in a pretty bow. Thankful for my hubs who has worked tirelessly this week trying to whack all the moles that have kept popping up.

5. Love how God provides for Moses and his family in the beginning of Exodus. The babe is drawn from the water and his mother is paid to nurse him. When she placed him in that basket it is doubtful Moses's mom had any idea of the plans God had in store for all of them.


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Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Beans, Beans, The Magical Fruit

1. So I think it's kinda crazy that I rocked the Whole 30 when I was doing it to support my hubs but can't do it hardcore just for myself. It's probably because I'm responsible for my own darn self which means I'd rather eat belly button lint than cook for myself. That doesn't bode well for being prepared. So I did mostly good today but ate taco meat with unclean seasoning that had whey and sugar and I ate kidney beans in clean chili. Not horrible and I may count it as day two even though the whole thirty police may drag me away.

2. Still holding firm on getting six solid unwavering weeks of school in. I realized today that Baby Frying Pan will be here in less than 90 days. How that's possible I simply do not know.

3. Fun to read Caleb's story in the OT to the kids today. We kinda did it backwards since the bigs had a different assignment but fun to backtrack and read why Caleb was promised land. Kids totally got the concept of the Israelites not looking back to see how God had provided in the past except for Joshua and Caleb. Got to relate it to our van and tell them how my hubs and I have seen God provide us cars through out our entire marriage. We even stopped to thank God how we have transportation even now with two running vans even if the big van doesn't happen before B.F.P.. God has been so incredibly good to us.


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Monday, January 16, 2017

Just Another Day For You And Me In Paradise

1. Plumbing fun led to ripping up the carpet in the hallway today. It's just another day in paradise. My hubs is a rockstar and I'm so thankful for his mad skills and for him serving our family all day long. I'm so blessed by that man.

2. Hard today back to the real world with seven kids not just one and dealing with mess, food or lack of it and school. It probably would go smoother if I would just abandon school to get things in order but I refuse to do that. I am white knuckling school till at least mid February.

3. Finishing up Genesis tonight. Joseph's story is pretty amazing. His circumstances could have left him bitter and angry at the Lord but rather than bitter he grew to be incredibly humble. He doesn't try to take any glory for himself but rather gives credit where credit is due to the Lord.

4. Hoping to gain more ground and get our feet back under us some more tomorrow. Not holding my breath though.

5. Day One on Whole 30 again. Hard when I need to go to the store. Hoping I can find a good substitute for milk. I'm not a milk person generally but during certain pregnancies I could drink tons. I'm craving it like crazy. If unsweetened coconut milk doesn't cut it the baby will win. That's fine. I'll stick to gluten free and sugar free and drop dairy as soon as I can.


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Sunday, January 15, 2017


1. I love a wonderful thunderstorm. Thankful for some tonight.

2. Made all of my lovely children go to choir. One has not wanted to go and after a good talk discovered why and hopefully empowered him to see things differently and to be a good friend. Love that kid. Another one had to practically be dragged by the hair to go because of continued stomach woes. I feel I have a better handle after this weekend on when to push and when not to. Choir was a necessary shove. That girl needed some victory so we are not completely back at square one. I realize as adolescence is rapidly approaching anxiety woes can either begin to dissipate or actually get worse. If they take a turn for the worse we are going to get help. I know another Momma with a gal older that has struggled with similar fear and anxiety. Seeing a professional made a world of difference when things began to get more unmanageable. There is no shame in getting help when needed and I believe it's much wiser than going down in a blaze of glory or rather a blaze of destruction.

3. Feel much better about my inability to string enough thoughts together to put together a meal plan, grocery list or various other things that need to get done that take a brain. Its so incredibly loud in our house and I'm constantly pulled in several different directions at once. I did once hear a speaker say that when you find a silent moment don't do the dishes or whatever housework is needed put pen to paper and seize the silent moments. That makes tons of sense to me today. My shrunken brain can't push past the chaos right now to have any decent stream of consciousness. It's all good. I'll teach my children how to do it. I can be a delegating fool. Time to put that skill to good use at home.

4. Excited to catch up with my hubs. Feels like I haven't talked to him in months.


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Saturday, January 14, 2017

We Have The Funk

Well sometimes things just don't pan out the way you hope for them to. Stomach funk has put a damper on things. Not the ten year old trip I had envisioned but at least we are making full use of our hotel room. Understanding my girl's struggle with anxiety a bit more. I HATE that she has to and will have to struggle with anxiety. Thankfully after tears from both of us tonight I'm starting to understand when I should push and when I should just sit in it with her. I can't hate the anxiety so much that I try to change my girl.

I am once again stuck scratching my head. Verses such as do not be anxious about anything go through my head but quoting those don't touch true anxiety. I do wonder what the actual translation of anxious was in Greek or Hebrew. For someone like me I can pray and ask God and remember His promises and find solace. The stress, fear or anxiety may dissipate enough to push through and move forward. BUT for others who intimately know the struggle with anxiety it goes much deeper. It's not that scripture and the Lord is not powerful enough to overcome it's just that for whatever reason it's the struggle that is an Achilles Heel. I'm thankful to God for friends who have battled with anxiety and being able to hear their heart and their ongoing struggle. They trust in the Lord and yet like Paul's thorn in his side the Lord has chosen not to remove the anxiety. Verses thrown at them in their youth only compounded the issues and made them question why God wouldn't just take it away or made them wonder if they lacked faith. Lots to think on. In all of it grace, grace, grace. Thankful for beautiful wonderful grace.

Thankful for grace even as I loathe my humanity as a parent. I want to parent like my Father but I'm so incredibly horribly far from it. Hate how I fail at it and that I have to fail in order to have eyes that see. Grace even in the failure. He's written their stories already and mapped out their days despite my failures and my successes as a parent. Thankful to be on this joyous and painful journey and so thankful for my hubs who is in the trenches with me. I am so incredibly rich.


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Friday, January 13, 2017

Slow Down

Ten year old trip with my almost eleven year old. Got choked up today as we got her hair trimmed. Probably the last time I'll take her to the place I did simply because she won't want to go anymore. As I watched her it seemed like just yesterday we were taking her to get her first haircut. If only I had the long view everyday. Most often I'm way too myopic. I get lost in the exhaustion, the too many things needing attention but not enough time. Oh to truly sit back and embrace the time. It goes by so quickly.

Need to read but don't want to miss a moment with my girl.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Hey Jealousy!

1. Oh dear ole Gin Blossoms. 

2. Jealous of the Portland snow. Happy for the snow joy but want some of my own. I love a good snow. I love watching it fall. I love how it smells. I love how a snowy sky looks. I love how it turns things magical. I love how things sound when covered by a thick blanket of snow. I love the sound of snow crunching under my feet. Maybe we can still pull out a crazy snow here in Texas. Not holding my breath considering how mosquitos are still the size of small dogs here and it's January and our AC is on. Ho hum!

3. More time airing out children today. My minions grated on me as they whined about this or that. I forget they are kids and that I do the same exact thing just about different things. Most of us are spoiled brats, correct that, I am a spoiled brat, when things don't go smashingly and with ease. Definite apple tree syndrome going on around here. If only I was willing to extent my offspring the same grace that I want. 

4. Speaking of apple tree syndrome the Crazy that goes down in Isaac's family and extends into Rebecca's brothers side is good enough for Prime Time television. This is my favorite verse from tonight.

"So that evening, as Jacob was coming home from the fields, Leah went out to meet him. "You must come and sleep with me tonight!" she said. "I have paid for you with some mandrakes that my son found." So that night he slept with Leah."
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭30:16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It really didn't take long for the whole marriage and sex thing to get really wackado. Big shocker it continues to be totally jacked. The whole  maid servant being given to the hubs for the purpose of being a baby maker for the wife makes me a bit queasy.  How sad for all three involved, although it seems the hubs gets the less obvious short end of the stick. Bleck!

5. Need to bathe in some holy water to undo the effects of the horrible juniper tree. There is absolutely nowhere to run and hide from this abominable tree in the US. Looks like it's going to be a lifetime of GF, DF and SF. I will do me well in the long run but definitely not fun. I'd like to think the chocolate cake in heaven will be stellar but let's be real I won't give a damn about chocolate cake in heaven. 


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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Crazy (You Can Keep Your Own Crazy)

1. Thankful for sunshine and conversation with some of my favorite peeps. Did my heart good.

2. I have the Whole 30 blues already. I still don't count today as day one as I grabbed popcorn mindlessly today. Doh! My hubs is doing his own thing and is already dropping weight and feeling great. I don't want to drop weight I just can't deal with feeling so horrible all the time. It's awesome how in order to feel better you must first feel worse. I do wonder if this will be the magical pill like it was with Bit. A lot has happened since her and I imagine in the last three years I very well could have tapped the rest of my adrenal reserves. It will be an experiment for sure and it surely won't hurt.

3. Throwing in the towel on Crazy Coco. I can do hyper dog, I can do misbehaved dog but I can't do crazy dog. I saw her attacking one of my kids again today and Momma Bear went into full effect. I pinned her by her neck and I could see the Crazy in her eyes. She's not just a hyper dog, she's nuts and I have too many babies and I'm too pregnant to deal with psycho dog. She truly is Jekyll and Hyde. I've dog sat enough boxers and had my own awesome boxer that her issues go beyond energetic untrained dog. She truly is aggressive and seeking dominance. I asked my kids who had been growled at by her and everyone raised their hand. I've watched her charge several of my kids. I'm not talking knock a kid down because the dog is running around but a real charge.

I kept going back and forth on whether or not we should keep her but after talking to a friend today I realized there's no way in heck I feel comfortable with that Crazy dog around a newborn. I hate her being around Mudge. If I'm having thoughts about wondering if she's going to flip a switch and attack one of us full on it's absolutely insane to keep her here and wait to see if she seriously harms one us. That is being crazier than she is. So unless we run across a rescue puppy I'm done with potluck rescue dogs. I know some turn out to be amazing but I have too many littles to end up with somebody else's crazy ever again.

I do have sad kids. After asking a couple pointed questions I did find out all but one are just sad because they want a dog so badly. Only one is sad about actually getting rid of Coco. That's pretty telling to me. I will say I want another dog (a non crazy dog) in the nearish future but I think short of an old neighbor handing us their well loved dog a puppy it shall be. Who needs sleep right?

4. Genesis 25&26:
Man sins of the father! Hard to get away from it.


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Monday, January 09, 2017


1. Been lost in thought off an on over a family who lost their teenage daughter in an accident. One moment taking selfies with the ladies and enjoying a morning with cherished friends and mere moments later knowledge that two of your daughters were in a horrible accident. I can't imagine. One moment fine the next and the next moment a worst nightmare. God provide for them. I can't even imagine the horrors that loosing a child young or adult would be like.

2. Day one mostly whole thirty. A couple unintentional slips. Reminds me just how mindlessly I can eat. Felt like total poo today so good timing kicking the junk to the curb. Hopefully in a couple weeks I'll actually feel human again. Maybe I wont feel 36 weeks pregnant either. I'm HUGE and feel HUGE and have no idea how I can possibly have 14 weeks left. Hopefully I'll shrink a bit like I did when pregnant with Bit. Her pregnancy and labor was a dream.

3. Genesis 21-24
I don't have many thoughts on this as my brain is very foggy tonight but again in wonder over God's precious provision for us. A sacrifice provided, burial land and a wife for Isaac. He cares about things big and small.


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Sunday, January 08, 2017

You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog

1. Our dog is a turd. She is a sweet turd but a turd none the less. Just like when my minions are acting like turds she just has a submission problem. Shocker we got the wrong collar and did most things wrong. Well that's over. Alpha boot camp for that turkey. She is going to be a great dog when she understands her place.

2. I'm going through boot camp starting tomorrow too. I have high hopes of gluten and dairy free for my offspring but I need to get my own junk figured out first. I can't make figuring out how to feed everyone better stop me from feeling better. I feel dastardly. I'm not functioning hardly at all and it's beyond baby baking. I'm not dealing with weird numbness episodes right now but I do think what I'm eating is killing me softly. So Whole 30 day one tomorrow. Because of the lack of functioning I'm going to make an epic Prime now order tomorrow and it might just have to be how I roll for a bit till I've detoxes this crap out of my system enough. Feeling hopeful and sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time to just do it.

3. Another day of sleep walking. Ugh. Off to bed with lots of allergy Meds and excited for a new day with new mercies and a new dog.


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Saturday, January 07, 2017

Sweet Dreams

Sleepy and no more words for today. Today is reflection day for the daily walk bible so may pick a psalm and call it good or start one of the many books on my list. I was going to write I should just read a book for the simple joy of reading but right now I'm reading Where The Red Fern Grows for the the joy of reading it. So fun to share that book with my kids. It might end up being a train wreck soon but so so good for now.

Till tomorrow.


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Friday, January 06, 2017

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

Lots of thoughts or rather lots of thoughts aimed at one source today. The snow was fantastic but poured gasoline on a burning fire. Adventure is singing its siren song. I think an upcoming trip will only confirm what I already know.

It's been sweet to look back at the mental memorial stones I've made. Moving away from this area will be easy. I feel like it's physically killing us. Dallergies are as good as year round and I think fresh mountain air would do us some good. Not only that we all come alive out in nature. To be able to live with a creek, land and mountains surrounding us is all most too amazing to imagine. Moving away from precious friends will be much harder. But the memorial stones remind me of how He provides. Truly we are but a breath away from all being together in paradise forever. That will be amazing. Maybe the adventure includes an RV to visit those we love living south when we grow weary of the endless winter. How great to live in beauty and travel and go to places that need help. The dream is big and the dream is wide. I'm excited to watch it all unfold. I'm excited to teach our kids to dream and to learn and to live outside the box and maybe at times how to live in a traveling box.

Genesis 15-17:
God promised Abraham would be the father of many but long painful years pasted and it seemed as if God had forgotten His promise or that He needed help. It can be so hard to put one foot in front of the other when you don't know where things will eventually lead. But He sees us and He does not forget us or His promises.


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Thursday, January 05, 2017

Driven' Me Crazy

1. Fun discovering how two of my children crazy make me. Sad day for the younger master manipulator because the older one pulled it just yesterday. It wouldn't surprise me if the little blessings weren't tag teaming me.

I got the stink eye from my oldest when I was harsh with the Crazy Maker today. I asked for forgiveness but she understood when the object of my frustration cried and squalled telling me "you never told me that"! She was pretty dumbfounded as she witnessed me clearly lay out expectations and on multiple occasions try to redirect. I might have felt slightly vindicated when the stink eye giver said "okay, I get it now". Oh sweet sanctification. It is a slow and painful death in order to become more and more like Jesus.

2. Looks like we are going to have Saturday School this weekend for the kids who lacked a good work ethic this week. Hurray!! I'm so glad we can all die the painful death of sanctification together. I love this crazy crew. Truly thankful for all the beauty and crazy it takes to raise little people. Hardest and most amazing gig ever.

3. I think if I could have a gaggle of Mudgies I most certainly would. I simply can't imagine our lives without this precious boy.

4. Genesis 12-14
Biggest take away for today is just how much Abram gave thanks to God and worshipped him.

Also interesting to me is how gutsy Abram is going after Lot with only 300ish people but is fearful about being killed because of Sarai's beauty in Egypt.


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Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Lightening Crashes

1. Reliving some high school glory and angst wth the song Lightening Crashes from Live. Whatever happened to that band? Here today gone tomorrow. Maybe the 2017 goal of song titles and lyrics isn't the best idea. It leads to much squirreling.

2. Conversations with the kids lead to talking about red flags and those red flags could be wrong but not worth ignoring. Then I looked at my sweet kiddo and lightening crashed. The searing bolt of pain that can feel so fresh and raw. I could get to the place of rejoicing in circumstances if it wasn't for this one sticking point.

"But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea."
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭18:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I know the Lord grieves with me over my child. I know He too is angry at what occurred at His house. I also know that He has a plan that I can not see and despite evil He can overcome and make even the deepest wounds and scars beautiful. Tonight I'm thankful for hope and that I can trust that the Lord is good. If it weren't for His goodness bitterness would consume me.

3. I just did a great job at squirreling. I think constant access to info and communication only makes it much much worse. Sheesh!

4. Noah's lineage and the tower of Babble tonight. Nothing huge hit me. I'm really tired. I do wish I knew more Greek and Hebrew though. I think there is some meaning I'm missing in the Babble story. It is interesting that it says the Lord came down to see what the people were doing. Where did God's presence go after the Fall? It seems like some people still had direct contact with God pre-flood?? I don't know. It's confusing to me.


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Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Lice Lice Baby

1. Well it was bound to happen at some point, we have officially been exposed to live. Yeehaw!!! I checked little heads and didn't see anything but not sure how long it would officially take to see the little buggars anyway. I'm holding onto hope that lice hate dirty hair and we are in the golden clear. At any rate I think I'm just going to treat my kids as if they have it in hopes that it will spare me the drama of a full blown outbreak. Besides it's not like I have anything better to do than slather my kids head full of coconut oil and ACV. I'm living the dream!

2. Baby Frying Pan is a spicy girl and woke me up at 4am being a total spaz. No, I don't know for sure if this baby is for sure a girl but I feel very crappy like it is a girl. Too much Estrogen in one body is no bueno.

3. Saw my awesome midwife today. Although I feel HUGE and incredibly uncomfortable I'm actually measuring a tad smaller like I did with the Bit. No room
in the inn for more than one baby. I'm sure anything is possible but it would be highly unlikely that I have a litter of bunnies. I just have a little goat baby who bucks around everywhere and is thrashing my innards.

4. I got nothing else. Read the story of Noah. His obedience truly is amazing. In a culture where everyone's thoughts and actions are bent towards evil Noah not only chooses to walk in the ways of the Lord, he follows God's commands to a tee. I can't imagine a hundred years spent building an ark and hearing all the crazy ole Noah talk. That is identity in Christ.

It's easy for me to latch onto children who are punished in the OT for the sins of their parents. In the story of Noah it seems as if Ham is a reprobate. It's speculated due to the language used that Ham took advantage of his passed out drunk father. That's all kinds of shades of evil. Yet even though his heart appears to be bent towards evil, his father's obedience benefits him and he is allowed to live and doesn't die in the flood like the others. Thoughts to ponder on.


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Monday, January 02, 2017

Monday, Monday

Today was quite the day. It started off with kids getting to bed way too late. Actually they were in bed at a decent time but since my hubs and I didn't communicate about ending the ongoing sibling slumber party, the bigs did what they do best, they partied. Somebody got this book for her oldest for Christmas which was actually the culprit. It's her first "scary" book. Not RL Stine Fear Street scary more like Lemony Snicket  scary. She read the book to everyone and imaginations ran wild and they got wrapped up in the story. I love that the bigs are at a point where they get lost in a book and want to keep reading but goodness they need sleep too! 

Today was a blast jumping back into the groove of school with exhausted kids. We all survived though and got in a full day. We may have gotten some super late and the kids might have eaten Cup O Noodles tonight for dinner but hopefully their little minds are full of more knowledge tonight. 

Just a side note I am powerless over the cuteness of Mudge. He's just too mudge. Bahahahahaha! I crack myself up. I blame it on the rain that we had in the wee hours of the morning. Love hearing God's powerful manifested in an awesome thunderstorm.

Genesis 3-5:
Two things stuck out to me the most.

1.  ""It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, 'You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.'""
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

God never said anything about not touching the fruit. There's absolutely wisdom in not even touching something that is forbidden but interesting to me that Eve added to what the Lord had said. I think there is a tendency to add to or subtract from God's Word and thats incredibly dangerous. 

"Do not add to or subtract from these commands I am giving you. Just obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you."
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭4:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

2. "At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves."
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The very first consequence of the Fall was shame and what is very interesting to me is not shame over what they had done but rather shame over their nakedness. 


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Sunday, January 01, 2017

Girl You Know It's True!

1. Nothing like starting January 1st off with some Millie Vanilli running through the brain. Thankful for having to come up with a title daily that provides the trip down memory lane. Maybe all of my titles this year will be song titles or song references. That would be awesome.

2. I was a slug today. Felt like I had no bones and keeping my head up straight proved to be quite the challenge today. I'm sure Dallergies are mostly to blame but I'm convinced I'm having a girl. Barring the Bit my girl pregnancies have been the worst. It's too early in the game to feel this horrible. Thankful for pregnancy amnesia. Nine months of awesome is worth the lifetime of true awesome but I sure do feel old these days.

3. My baby boy got his first big boy haircut today. So sad to see his curls go away but one too many people started calling him a girl and I admit it was time. Still, I just can't believe how fast they grow. Slow down will ya kid??

Beautiful End

1. Today was a day filled with an insane amount of blessing. I feel as if my Father looked down at me and simply smiled upon me. Started the day off with a cherished friend. I thank God every time I think about her and how blessed I am by her friendship. She let me blabber thankfully and in doing so I feel like more things that have been floating around in my head have clicked into place and have handles. The biggest of all is the grace God bestows upon us. I heard a beautiful sermon at NSP about grace that really got my spinning churning. The thing I latched onto then was this idea of common grace or rather the thing I can remember.

I've noticed a big distinction between my past church experience and my most recent ones. The biggest preaching difference is the focus on grace. I've really needed to hear messages dripping with the reminders of grace and what God has done and who He is rather than our charge as Christ Followers. I think both are important but one tickles my flesh more than the other. I struggle with pride and self reliance and I like the thought of trying to rise above and becoming an all star Christian. I've had to get my butt kicked hard enough to realize I can't do any of it. Everything in my life that is good and anything "good" I can muster is simply due to grace. Grace, this beautiful and wonderful thing that I can barely grasp or get a handle on, is truly the key to everything. In every one of my strengths is His grace, in all of my weaknesses is His grace. Every good thing that is bestowed upon me is His grace, every struggle and hardship that He uses to mold and shape me to become more like Him is His grace. Everything is by His grace and everything is for His glory. If everything is due to His grace I have no reason to boast other than His name. If it is by grace and grace alone that I'm saved how dare I judge anyone? As if out of my own strength I've managed to rise above? Am I capable of giving my own blind eyes the ability to see or give my own deaf ears the ability to hear? Absolutely not! It is simply by His grace that I know Him at all.

Oh the things He has given me eyes to see lately. I'm thankful for my house. Although there are things that would be nice to have, maybe some day but maybe not, I feel incredibly blessed and content. I've never thought about our house situation in the context of manna but today it rolled off my tongue. Then I saw the big picture. When we first moved into our house it was HUGE after living in an apartment. I will be honest I wasn't completely content when we first moved here. I was at first but then it was too easy to glance at the neighborhood next to ours and long to have what was over there. God's been gracious and kind to me and thankfully that wasn't a struggle I had to wrestle with for long. Being in our neighborhood and up and down our street trying hard to get to know the people around us grew my heart to love our home and our street. Although I wish we could have taken more strides or rather have more tangible evidence of our efforts God has been so gracious to us here in many many ways.

Big shocker I've rambled. Here is what I want to remember and embrace. When we first moved in we used two out of the four bedrooms we had. It didn't take long to turn another room into a nursery which we never ended up really using that way. We moved in with two babies and one on the way with abundant space for our little tribe. Now we don't have abundant space. Our space is just like the manna God provides the Israelites. It's not too much and it's not too little. Our space is just enough. I'm choked up writing this but He has taken our abundant space and used it to provide for the abundant blessing of family. The space is now manna but the blessing inside is insanely abundant. I've missed seeing things in that way and I'm so thankful for the grace to have eyes that see today.

Today I was also thinking about man hate and how I can bring that baggage to the table. I think man hate is what can turn women off to biblical manhood and biblical womanhood. I do wonder if women who have been wounded by men truly saw biblical manhood at work if that would heal their hearts. While thinking about this I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by how my husband sacrificially loves and serves me daily. It's in the many many little ways he constantly puts me first. My hubs hates eggs. It's not a dislike of eggs. He is revolted by eggs. The smell, the look, everything about them is offensive. Yet, he gladly and willingly cooks me eggs and he does it often. Our kids probably haven't fully connected those dots but one day they will look back on it and his sacrificial love in cooking me eggs will impact them deeply.

So I've been praying for this boy. A boy who I've felt needs something that's his own. Piano lessons has been at the back of my mind for this kid for awhile. He's the only one who really wants to take them and tonight even offered to use his dollars to pay for them (insert my melted heart). So I've been praying that God would show us what this thing of his own should be this year. Get a text about somebody giving away their full sized keyboard. We have a keyboard also given to us by sweet friends but the cord is jenky and temperamental and it just doesn't always work. I've known piano lessons equals getting something to play on. Today the thing we needed to move ahead with lessons showed up on our doorstep. It was so sweet to look my precious boy in the eyes and tell him I've been praying for him and to look how God answered and provided. He then turned around and told me how he had prayed that God would help his brother's base plates work. Might not seem like much but for a little boy who has been wrestling with God it was pretty sweet.

God used a keyboard to remind me of all the ways He has everything in His hands. He has a bigger van in His hands, He has our future and whether or not we move and how all the details will work in His hands, He has a little boy's heart and hurts in His hands and He will use even the deepest wounds, setbacks and mistakes made for His glory and use them as a way of bestowing His abundant grace. God loves my precious boy and He loves our family and He loves me. He will never leave us or forsake us. He loves us and is so very gracious to us.

Thankful for the end of 2016. Thankful for the renewed laughter and for the desire to hunker down and drawn us back together again and regroup as a family. The Lord is good and I am thankful.


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