Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Lentil Soup

1. I was a raging bear come 7pm. That's about the time I really want to be sleeping. The key word here is want to be. There were seven LOUD little people who were blocking my goals and who were taking their sweet time getting their chores done. Just for fun ashes were spread via vacuum on our living room carpet. Yes, there was a child who thought it would be lovely to try to vacuum out our fireplace ashes but the vacuum is not made for such wonderful feats of strength. Thankful I could assure the offending child that even though I was ticked it was more about wanting to be in bed than their childish behavior.

2. The Bit is off the hook crazy these days. I love love love that child but she's just like the boy version of her in our house. I either have overwhelming love and adoration for her or I want to fling her across the sky. Poor thing just has the perfect storm brewing right now. Three years old plus never sleeping plus smelling the pheromones of a new baby coming plus no snuggle buddy equals a child who wants to be held 24/7 or who is destroying something or who likes to argue with me like a belligerent drunk. How sad to realize you can't always get what you want. Love that pumpkin head!

3. I'm a bit overwhelmed with the calendar at the moment. Lots of kid things to squeeze into a short amount of time. Really a scheduled c-section sounds so glorious right about now. I'm so blessed and those words are horrible and lack gratitude but having a three week window is feeling nutty today.

4. Going to try my hand at pen to paper journaling during lent. I don't have all my Lent details put together but I do want to unplug from technology as much as I can. I think that might be a work in progress these next forty days but I'm okay with that.

5. I'm thankful for my friends kids entertaining my children all day long. I shouldn't have been tired at 7pm tonight. Well, actually Bitty Kitty didn't want to play ball exactly. She did sometimes during the day but lots of snuggling time with that girl today.

D


Sent from my iPhone

Monday, February 27, 2017

It's Coming

1. Tired. Tired. Tired. So thankful to be in bed. I'm pretty sure I'll be asleep before some of my kiddos but I'm okay with that. Thankful for a day that was of the lovely exhausted sort.

2. Thankful to get news of new life. I love the Lord's plan for our lives. He is so incredibly good.

3. Heart burdened for a friend who knows exhaustion intimately right now. If only to be able to take on some of the burdens of dear friends. It truly seems like during the trying seasons it is hard to get a break with one wave crashing in on top of another. I know the Lord is ever present in those seasons and that He is good all the time but it's hard to understand sometimes.

4. Struggling with anger tonight. So weird to waffle back and forth between compassion and anger at somebody. Praying compassion will win out but that wisdom will reign.

5. Going to listen to Deut tonight. Behind on reading but would love to be caught up by tomorrow. Eagerly anticipating Lent this year.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, February 26, 2017

E L E V E N

Trying to muster up words that can convey the nature of today. I simply can not and children who are still up (WHY?!) are causing additional distraction.

Thankful for today. Thankful for my precious girl who is eleven.

More tomorrow. The morning will come way too soon.

D

Saturday, February 25, 2017

HA! HA! Heartburn!

Thankful to be in bed. Rocking some pretty amazing heartburn though. Thankful for God's gracious provision for today. I was so exhausted earlier and didn't know how I was going to pull off my girl's party. God provided just enough manna. I'm bummed at the barking I did before the party at my Bit and humbled that my still ten year old showed her so much grace. I was also barky tonight trying to get my kitty kats in bed tonight. They never think bedtime is nearly as urgent as I do.

Thankful for a houseful of precious girls tonight. The Lord has blessed my girl so richly with such fun friends. Loved tonight and watching the beauty of the beginnings of young adolescence and the value of great friendships during this time. May God keep His gracious hand on each of those precious girls. Each of them with so much talent and amazing qualities. Beauty.

In denial about two ones that will represent my girl's age tomorrow. It goes by so very quickly. Lord may I not waste this time that feels so fleeting. The days are ever so long but the years go by in an absolute blink. I truly feel like just yesterday we were taking this precious girl to get her ears pierced to celebrate double digits. Really it was just like last week. Seven more years till she's considered an adult. How? And yet, my heart rejoices over the amazing young lady she is growing up to be. Bitter sweet.

Thankful to be able to put aside the unrest in my head and my heart for tonight. Again thankful for how God is so gracious to provide. Thankful for tears in the shower. I know He is aware of everyone and understands the victory that each one she'd is as well.

Seriously the heartburn is killing me. It's the fun, it feels like a heart attack kind. Yes it is very much heartburn. I ate gluten today as I just couldn't figure out how to eat today without indulging. Just didn't have the mental nor the emotional bandwidth. It feels silly to write that but it is what it is. But think I'm paying my dues big time tonight. So not worth it but I know I would not have eaten otherwise which is not a better alternative.

Reading to catch up till I pass out from the exhaustion or the pain.

So very thankful for all the ways God's gracious hand was upon me today.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Plucked Out

It's way too late and my heart is way too heavy. Can't dig into any of it simply because I have a precious girl to celebrate tomorrow and I already feel exhausted. My heart was already sad about the upcoming weeks but now I think just to make it through I must somehow try to shove things aside. Oh I know I'll be back to revisit things but with two birthdays and everything else in between for the next two weeks I just need to keep my head down and charge forward. I trust the Lord will be ever so gracious and provide manna for each day. I miss my best beloved already.

Today I'm sitting in the beauty of undeserved grace. He sought me out and rescued me from the miry pit. Tonight I simply do not understand why. Tonight I have a bigger and fuller picture of exactly what He has rescued me from. I know I won't fully understand everything His hand has plucked me out of till I one day see Him face to face. Undeserved grace, I can barely wrap my mind around it. I'm so thankful for it. I'm thankful for the undeserved grace of eight children.

I can't do Deuteronomy tonight. Tonight feels much more like a Psalms kinda night. Going to read and hopefully get a few concentrated hours of sleep.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, February 23, 2017

And That's A Wrap

1. So much buzzing around in my head. Today felt like a couple days of adventure crammed into one.

2. Heart heavy for friends tonight. Being a parent is most definitely not for the faint of heart. Unknowns can cause much turmoil in many many ways. Praying for several families who are bravely trusting the Lord with their future and the many unknowns of what the future may hold.

3. Finally got testing results. I gotta say I kinda feel like a awesome gangsta parent. No clue why but the lyrics "damn it feels good to be a gangsta" is rolling through my head right now. I have made plenty of parenting mistakes small and excruciatingly large during my almost 11 year gig as mom. It feels good to nail one every once in awhile. Now there's lots to consider and decide moving forward but don't need to have that figured out tonight and I trust the Lord's guidance upon the path we take with our kiddo. The Lord is good and He is indeed the great provider.

4. Today I'm thankful for Krazy Glue and for my hubs becoming a super gluing ninja. A small bottle of glue has saved us hundreds on doctor bills. Thankful that a gash on the noggin turned out to be rather smallish once the blood was washed away. Nothing quite like realizing that your kiddo has blood matted hair but also nothing quite like drawing comfort from the fact that gashes on the head bleed like crazy.

5. Thankful for Chuy's and Happy Hour queso and for one amazing man and seven awesome kids to share it with. The Lord has blessed me so very richly.

6. Thankful for a few moments of quiet and for a bed to crawl into soon.

7. So thankful for a boy who is relieved by a dyslexia diagnosis. All the things we've been telling him about how smart he is and that his brain just operates a little differently was confirmed. I hope it's just one small step of many that he can look back on and see that he can indeed trust us and that we aren't lying to him. He is so excited about the free access to an endless treasure trove of audio books. His siblings might be just as equally excited. Oh the sweet wonderful grace of knowing thyself. It's most definitely freeing.

Deut 8-11:
Wowzers. Huge theme of remembering to be humble.
-give thanks and recognize all the Lord has done that that you will remain humble
-manna was given to humble and to remind Israelites that man does not live on bread alone but on the Word of God.
-remember that it's not because of your righteousness that you are receiving this land BUT rather because of the wickedness of the people living in the land.

Great reminders to give thanks and how a thankful heart helps make a heart humble.

Remembering the provision God gives us is not due to anything we have done to deserve it but rather is all due to the very grace of God.

It is so good to be reminded that we wouldn't have chosen God on our own, He chose us. That any gift or knowledge that we may or may not have is simply due to His grace. Any character flaw or struggle that we may or may not have is simply due to His grace. These chapters are a wonderful heart check and a reminder that none of us, not a single one of us have a thing to boast about apart from Christ. Grace. Grace. Grace.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Chosen

I tried knocking this out in the AM but was interrupted by one of my sweet ones. Now of course my brain doesn't want to work. I'm ready for my heaven brain.

Thankful for how much the Lord loves despite of having absolutely nothing to offer.

""The LORD did not set his heart on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other nations, for you were the smallest of all nations! Rather, it was simply that the LORD loves you, and he was keeping the oath he had sworn to your ancestors. That is why the LORD rescued you with such a strong hand from your slavery and from the oppressive hand of Pharaoh, king of Egypt."
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭7:7-8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Meditating on what it means to be chosen by the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

D


Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

What The Ash!?

1. My great pollen obsession is continuing. I'm going to figure out what my main triggers are and I'm going to go on a Quest to burn every single one of those trees down. A new player has entered the scene the last couple days and I feel like what was already horrible has now become atrocious. I'm hoping for two possibilities for the added insanity. I'm hoping the gluten added this weekend is the culprit or that I have a cold. Strange things to hope for but at least there is a remedy. A cold can only last for so long and I already cut out gluten again. If this is real life then my options are truly running out apart from getting back on allergy shots OR moving to someplace far far away. Being one of the first settlers on the Moon or Mars is looking better and better.

2. Our family schedule has been quite the emotional roller coaster lately. Trips on the schedule then off of the schedule then new ones last minute. Thankful for friends letting me ramble, vent, process and brainstorm with. I feel like my brain is full of ten thousand squirrels. My midwife was here today and my seven real squirrels were be bopping in such a way that I couldn't get one straight thought out. They were extra special today just like me.

3. I'm so zonked.

4. Going to read and/or listen tonight and then pass out and drool on my pillow hopefully till at least 8am. Hopefully, Mr. Peepers will cooperate.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, February 20, 2017

Burrito of Grace

I don't want to do this today. I don't want to process or ponder or anything. I want to hang up my hat as a feeler for today, shove it all in a box and not try to figure out anything. I want to roll myself up into a burrito full of grace. Thankfully, the pollen love is filling up every empty cavity in my head so I don't much have the energy to think. Mmmmmm I love my burrito full of grace.

Deut 1-4:
Love how many times God reminds the Israelites how He will fight for them. The word picture of God carrying Israel through the wilderness as a father carries a son is beautiful. Despite Israel's rebelliousness He still continues to provide for their every need and follows through on His promise to give them the Promise Land. His love for His people truly is amazing.

D





Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, February 19, 2017

All Is As It Should Be

1. Thankful again for sweet friends willing to take on our entire crew this weekend.

2. Thankful for all the noise to fill up our house once again. All is as it should be and I'm thankful for all seven of my noise makers.

3. Got up at 4am and fought hard to try to grab another hour or two of sleep. So not prepared for coop tomorrow but I'll worry about that tomorrow. Too tired to think or move.

4. I've officially hit critical mass. So uncomfortable. Hoping I gained five pounds of swelling this weekend by eating gluten and I'll loose some of the discomfort after detoxing again. I wish gluten wasn't so delicious. Really though I could have passed on all of it except the chicken and waffles. That was worth every ounce of discomfort!

5. Read the rest of Numbers this morning but of course I've totally forgotten what I read. I think it was about sanctuary cities and dividing up the land.

6. Read really hard articles about the porn epidemic. My heart hurts for the kids who will be wrecked by porn. Praying we can teach our kids how great the good gifts that God offer are and help them see the things in this world that are counterfeit.

Also read about Anna Nicole Smith's story. I'll be honest her reality show used to be a guilty watching pleasure of mine. It was less of a pleasure and more of a train wreck that I couldn't take my eyes off of. Reading about her childhood made all the pieces fit. That poor woman. She thought she was saving her son from the chaos she had endured as a child but rather just continued to live out her own personal hell. There's lots of Anna's out there who desperately need to hear the gospel and need to be loved. Heart so heavy over the hurt and suffering in this world.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Unexpected Gratitude

We were super blessed to have friends watch all seven of our kiddos this weekend. The past 24 hours or so have not transpired in such a way that I would have planned and yet I feel filled to the brim with unexpected gratitude.

1. It has become very apparent that if given a night away from kiddos at this stage of life it is wise to get away from our house as well. It's borderline creepy to be home with so much silence since every silent space in this home is often filled with noise that comes seeping in on way or another. This house that is usually brimming with life is empty. Oddly enough it feels almost similar enough to after having a baby. There is a joy of new life birthed out of the womb but it takes awhile to get used to the emptiness of life no longer being housed in my body. None of this may make any sense but in my head it does. Plus being at home is kinda like taking a vacation and staying at the office. The to do lists almost scream at me more without the distraction of kiddos.

2. Even though a location will be in the back of my mind for the future I'm thankful this weekend we are at home. Dallergies are wrecking us a bit and an unexpected ankle injury has changed up the way we would have spent our remaining time together. Thankful to not be a brat right now shaming my fist at God about horrible timing. It's only by His wonderful grace that I'm not. It's only by His mercy that I can see how incredibly blessed I am. Friends that will take on seven kids and lack of sleep because of them. The blessing of those seven kids. Sometimes it takes being removed from the blessing to fully see how much you have been blessed with. Even though the birds haven't been chirping and things haven't smoothly fell into place this weekend with my best beloved I'm so thankful to be married to my best friend. Thankful for all the adventures we get to be on together the good ones, the bad ones and all the shades in between. Thankful for the laughter we get to share together and frankly I'm thankful for the pain and the tears we get to shed together as well.

3. There's this sweet story on 50 Famous Stories Retold about Cornelia's Jewels. You find out at the end of it that her wealthy jewels are actually her children. I've eaten great food this weekend. I've been wanting chicken and waffles and I got them and they were every bit as wonderful as I had been dreaming about. After eating out for brunch and dinner I left really ready to leave the perks of city life and exchange it for something a lot simpler. So much pain and hurt covered up behind fancy clothes and cars and wonderful food. Still having a hard time getting pasted the feeling of emptiness and death. I saw a young girl who looked like her childhood innocence was stolen and replaced by something so plastic.

Any kind of longing that I might have to be on the other side was completely crushed out of me. I'll take our small destroyed house filled to the brim with our wonderful circus any day over that. All of it will burn someday. Every single bit of it will be gone except for the things that we have invested in eternally. Everything in this world screams for things that are temporal. Seriously everything is one big huge temporal distraction. It is hard to keep eyes fixed on what is real verses what is just one big huge lie or distraction. This phone in my hand represents one of the biggest distractions around. It offers a false sense of connectedness, the tyranny of the "urgent" is always pressing and offers no true rest, it steals precious time away from the people right in front of our faces, it's rewiring our brains and the damage it's doing to our children's still developing minds might not be fully understood until its way too late. We are literally holding the bitten apple in our hands.

4. So 24 hrs sans kids might have been interrupted by Dallergies and sadly physical pain for my beloved that threw off "the plan" but I'm walking away with a very full heart and maybe a heart more prepared to dive into the rest of lent. There's lot of busy that will surround Lent getting to dos scratched off and preparations being made for new life. We could be as little as five weeks out from sweet Frying Pan. That is quite sobering actually. Walking away from this weekend with a belly full of good food and a heart full of immense gratitude. Praying the Lord would teach us and give us eyes to see what is of Him and what is yet another big distraction. There's so many counterfeit things in our decadent culture.

D
Sent from my iPhone

Friday, February 17, 2017

Full As A Tick

1. Wondering if I'm anemic. Super exhausted 24/7 and insanely out of breath and yeah just feeling very off when not sitting down. Would make me feel better if I was if only to explain my extra specialness.

2. Thankful to be able to rejoice over great news from friends in a hard season. God is so very gracious even in the deep and dark valleys.

3. Thankful for a date tonight and for the blessing of 24hrs sans kids tomorrow.

4. Thankful for the sweet blessing of friends of rejoice with and cry with. Thankful to break bread with some of my favorite people tonight.

5. Got lost in the details of Numbers tonight. Reminded tonight of not taking God's holiness lightly.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, February 16, 2017

You Are My Sunshine

Took a trip to the Trinity Audubon today. Vitamin D is the best. Pollen is the worst. Saw signs of spring today. So strange as winter seemed like it was going to come but lasted for like two seconds. Good ole Texas.

We are just a couple of chapters away from the saddest ending to a book that my kids have ever experienced. They know something is coming so at least they are somewhat prepared. Oh how I bawled when I read it as a kid. Oh the beauty of heartbreak from a book. It's like no other.

Numbers:
Again struggling to keep my eyes open. So hard to read how quickly sin and grumbling takes over.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Baby Blues

Struggling to feel decent this week. Could be my falling off the whole 30 wagon or just that it's the end of the road but I feel pretty junky. This baby likes to burrow in the most uncomfortable of places. This kid is reminding me of my pregnancy with Joshua. I felt decent maybe for four to six weeks. I had so hoped I could recreate a Lilly Bit pregnancy. At least it's not been as miserable as an Abbie or Bella pregnancy. I do think I need to at least go back to paleo. The heartburn has been insanity this week which is helping the discomfort of this baby burrowing into painful places. I am so thankful for this sweet baby though. I just feel like a lame bump on a log though.

More rituals of becoming clean, grumbling and an obvious sign from God that the Levites were chosen by God. Painful to read how the Israelites grumbled knowing that my heart is just as whiny and grumbly.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Redemption Songs

It feels kinda silly but again struck by just how good Redemption Song by Bob Marley is. It's a heavy song. I don't even know how my five year old ended up playing it on Alexa tonight but it was so beautiful and moving. I thought of Robinson Crusoe as I listened. His crazy circumstances turned his wayward heart to one that learned to give thanks in all circumstances. It was adversity that thought him how to truly thank the Lord. There is a beautiful refining that happens only in the darkest of valleys. It's harder to see a need for a rod and staff of comfort or how amazing the quiet streams are when we are coasting in life.

Rethinking lots of things. The time seems to be growing more and more fleeting as my oldest is about to turn eleven. I will blink and she'll be a Junior in High School and I'll be stuck wondering if I've taught her all that I desire to as two years of so short to cram the rest of what I missed in. Trying to figure out how to set a better rhythm in our home that helps reflect all that we want to teach and inspire in our children. I don't want to miss the most important moments getting lost in the mere busyness of such temporal things. It all seems so very pressing at times but that's the lie. People are always more important than tasks. Accomplishing a grand to do list doesn't make for a grand adventure or a great story. All of creation screams of His majesty and yet I miss it. I don't want to miss it anymore. I don't know exactly what to do about that. Looking forward to figuring something out during Lent to carve away the junk and make more soul space not just for me but for our entire family. Probably wouldn't hurt to even purge the junk out of our house one bag at a time for 40 days either. Yearning for simplicity. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

D



Sent from my iPhone

Father Abraham Had Many Sons

I don't have words tonight. I feel the Lord has me in this continual state of stripping down. I'm so thankful that He is faithful to continue the work He started in me because my soul needs to be stripped down to the bare bones. The dross needs to continue to be burned away. 

There's so many thoughts that are gathered up in my head right now. At this point I again have no clue on how to get them all out. Numbers is somehow perfectly planned for such a time as this though. I've read the plight of the Israelites before and often I'd wonder why they couldn't just get it. More recently I've read through it and seen myself in the grumbling of the Israelites. Come on! I'm the gal with the idol of comfort and ease! I would have been begging to go back to Egypt too. This time around it's a different experience. The chaos that erupts in Numbers is enlightening. I have struggled with much pride while reading scripture wondering why there are so many knuckleheads. I've wondered how David could possibly be called a man after God's own heart in light of all his obvious sin. It's so much easier to point out the sin in others than to sit face to face with my own sin and arrogance. In Numbers the leaders of each tribe or called upon to scout out the land. The twelve leaders in Israel. Only two come back trusting in what the Lord has promised. This group of guys were the cream of the crop. The Bible doesn't only expose my sin but reveals how sinful humanity truly is. This group of people were God's chosen ones. The people living in the Promise Land were the truly atrocious ones living completely in darkness apart from the Lord. I want to be exempt from the sin of the Israelites but it's not just the grumbling and complaining that resides in my heart, it's all of the sin, every last bit of it. That's incredibly sobering. The Bible is a love story and it's a case story of humanity. It's where we end up apart from God and it gives proof that even when redeemed by His precious blood we are still just a bunch of mess ups in desperate need of His loving kindness. 


Father Abraham had many sons. And many sons had Father Abraham. And I am one of them...

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

D




Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Got up today and shuffled into my prayer closet. No big prayer or thoughts as I was still groggy from a Benadryl haze. It was interesting trying to start my day off with a heart bent towards gratitude. That theme was later carried in Numbers this afternoon and the importance of a thankful heart. I want to be a thankful person, rejoicing in the Lord always. Unfortunately, I'm quite the brat and creature of comfort. Mess with my idol of comfort and ease and I'm not a very happy camper. That stinks but it's the reality of the condition of my heart.

Speaking of ease, tackling adolescence is not going to be filled with comfort or ease. It's beautiful growing in maturity with your children. Thankful I have Jesus to be in it with me. That spicy señorita will be a force to be reckoned with someday. I have no doubt that God has great plans for my girl and the spice He has gifted her with.

So much from today at church and reading but I'm super tired and the extra special drama from this evening has made what was left of my brain a mush pot.

Thankful for today for the good, the difficult and everything in between. Still ready for Jesus to come quickly though.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Commentary Makes It All Better

It's good to know the character of God. Helps when my filter is set to feisty pants. Thankful for resources to turn too when things simply don't seem to add up.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Emancipate Yourself From Mental Slavery

None but ourselves can free our mind....

Oy! Good trip down Bob Marley lane tonight. I'm so thankful to God for the gift of music.

I have fallen off the eat good wagon. Still maintaining my GF status but oh goodness dairy is just so darn good and Frying Pan is so very happy today in his or her calcium bath. Going to jump back on the train next Sunday. I'm sure I'll pay for this week but maybe some good ole fashion pain will be what I need to kick it back in gear.

Tonight proved that my oldest has been given the sinful tendencies of her mother. That girl! She's wonderful and amazing but she might have some hard lessons to learn like her Momma. She even thinks growing old is a lot like a nightmare. Somebody else might have thought the exact same in her foolish youth. All that to say, I have a feeling that adolescence and teenageville is going to be quite lovely and exhausting all at the same time.

And for the last bit of news for the day Montana is to be postponed till June. I'm bummed but also somewhat relieved. I don't expect things to go crazy smoothly trying to head out of town but with so many unknowns and funk going around it was just getting to be stressful and not normal get out of town stressful. MT is kinda miserable this time of year and I feel like the Goodyear Blimp. God is good and I trust that waiting will yield much more fruit. If anything going with an itty bitty will be easier than our 18 month old bruiser. That kid is a beast. If Frying Pan is a boy I fear this second grouping of Brown Boys could be wilder than the first round. At least I'll have three boys who have already been there and done that to sick on the younger ones.

Numbers 5-8:
Not an easy read. Hard to stay with it especially with heavy eye lids. Numbers five is just so bizarro. It's truly hard to figure why this jealousy offering even exists. Looking through the lens of my limited view of humanity it seems like it's more likely for the men to be the raging lust buckets. Even just thinking about the talks I heard early on about putting out every 72 hrs, staying fit and not looking like a slob because your hubs goes to work and sees all His put together co-workers blah blah blah. Ladies put some damn clothes on because you don't want to make your brothers stumble yada yada yada.

Frankly I don't get it and tonight to be honest it really pisses me off. The part of me with all the baggage wants to scream "God don't you get rape culture"?!?!? The reality is of course He does and it grieves Him deeply. I trust Him even when I don't fully understand. I'm thankful that He is a God who can deal with a sobbing daughter beating on His chest because she simply doesn't understand. He is patient, gentle and kind and doesn't grow weary of my questioning. Thankful I'm so incredibly loved.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, February 10, 2017

Free As A Bird?

My littles have been way off. The Bit was extra special today and I kept waiting for her to have a blazing fever. If we make it through tomorrow I'm going to start thinking that we just might have dodged the flu bullet again, at least for now. The littlest and unborn little is acting pretty cantankerous today as well. Thankful for all of them but it made for an interesting day of school. Our house felt extra tiny today with all the angry squawks.

Thankful today for the gift of a beating heart. Life is such a precious gift every day is a gift even when it feels like a total beatdown.

Numbers 1-4:
Every male twenty years of older counted. Every Levite clan given a specific job. Each specific job must be completed in absolute obedience. I would have totally screwed it up. I do love each clan given a piece of work so that the body of Christ could work together as a beautiful masterpiece. Each and every personality useful and needed. It's beautiful.

D

Sent from my iPhone


Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Strumming My Pain

1. Woke up with the rest of my crew pummeled from a great day of vitamin D the day before that included a nice heavy blast of pollen. My poor baby smells like rotten snot and I'm pretty sure he has a sinus infection. Poor kid came out of the womb with allergies.

2. Triggered like crazy today and between the pollen haze and battling grief all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and sleep. I started off okay but then crashed and burned. A sweet family that was going to watch part of our small army has been hit by the dreaded flu. Their sweet family has been through the dregs with illnesses like this with their poor sweet babies struggling to breath and needing time in the PICU. I'm praying this is simply not the case but Murphy's Law is kinda what we live by so need to find plan C just in case. Discussing other potential families one of my kids spoke of a red flag. I'm pretty confident this family is totally fine but we've learned one hard lesson about red flags and every one is now a complete deal breaker. This lead to another conversation about red flags with this kid and he mentioned the only time he had any major one was with the red flag that I will always regret not doing more about. I totally f'ed that one up.

With things falling through last minute like Costa Rica I just want to completely implode. Grief is a very strange beast.

3. It is interesting that with this new wave of grief, guilt and shame has tried to mow me over. I suck for not being able to pull myself together today (or ever), grocery shop, get laundry complete and not exploding everywhere, not pull my crap together and get alternative kidcare, and every single "defect and flaw" under the sun. Some days are a battle but mostly I'm learning to embrace my organizational and domestic challenges. Today guilt and shame is just coming out sideways. How could I miss everything and send my boy straight into the belly of the beast? How did I get duped and why did I drink the damn koolaide that blinded so much of my judgement? How did I miss so many things and just excuse them away?

4. Love the rest that God built into to His commands and laws. There was a rhythm and a cadence to life that God wanted to teach His people. Rest. Feeling the need to rest even though we are no longer drowning. We've just not had rest after a hard season as man and wife or even as a family. All I want to do is gather up all my chicks and get as far away from this city which is making all of us sick as possible. Praying tonight for so many dear and precious friends who are so incredibly weary. I feel weary today and although I know my soul is yearning for rest I am thankful that the pervasive tone and feeling of our days is not one of weariness. Every day I do grow in my longing for Jesus to just come back.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

They Can Smell It

Well I must be emitting pheromones because my littles are starting to turn Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Bit is already playing a new game called Baby Lilly. Oy! Maybe they will get all their regression out now. They are so advanced and ahead of schedule.

Spent a good chunk of the day outdoors so my beloved could sleep. Low and behold after being aired out and after exploring my kid who truly struggles with school in general kicked booty today. Gotta get some land so I can turn that kid out first thing in the morning and school him in the afternoon after he's had time to do his own schooling first. That kid needs time and space to just earth. My two bigs were extra fired up about land today too after reading a little about Daniel Boone and how he learned all about animals just from being able to observe them.

Really enjoying the sense of wonder that is happening in our home right now. It's only taken my fifth year of homeschooling to fully ditch the norms and not have one foot in the camp I want to be in and the other scrambling to keep up with "traditional" school. Freedom is a beautiful thing and my kids are flourishing this year. My kid who hated math now wants to do math all day long. That is a win and I'm so thankful. Math should be enjoyable. It's everywhere in creation and by understanding math we can understand the beauty of God's creation more. Thankful to be on this crazy and exhausting journey and get to witness their love of learning blossom.

Oh Leviticus! I really love the festivals the Lord commanded His people to observe. He knew we would forget and not put first things first so He built in a schedule of rest and remembering as well as celebration. How good is our God? Thankful to have a Savior who is very much aware of our humanity and knows that even though desperate for Him we often fail to see just how desperate and needy we truly are. Desperate and needy are frowned upon words in the world and yet it's those who truly get how desperate and needy they truly are that get to see more and more of God. Love how God takes the wisdom of this world and totally demolishes it.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Yawn

Sleep wasn't great last night but seriously can't complain considering my hubs worked all night and all day. That's gonna hurt. It takes a lot longer to recover from an all nighter than it does as a kid or twenty year old. Thankful for the freedom to head to the park to do school so he can sleep without the sound of seven little elephants running around.

Lots of thoughts continuing but no gas or steam to put them into words. Good conversations with my kiddos. I'm really loving Ambleside and the many great talks it produces. Today we dove into Ruth which was timed perfectly from the sermon we heard on Sunday. They are totally tracking with what they hear. Love love love having them in the service with us. Love that the message can transcend to what we are learning about in school as well. I might be extra fired up today about it all too since everybody was done by 4pm.

I'm counting Ruth as good even though that feels kinda lame to me.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Come Undone

Today was a firehose kinda day. Started off in my prayer closet and it's kept on a going. My head is spinning a bit.

Oh Leviticus. It started with talking to Jesus about struggling with Leviticus. The last time I read through the Bible I actually found a fondness for Leviticus that I had never known before. This time around it's been really hard to get through. What better place to take that than to the Lord. Then boom. God answered almost immediately. I've been wrestling with things trying to wrap my head around them. The answer is in Leviticus. God gave those laws so the people could learn how to govern themselves in a righteous manner, to keep them safe for disease and other various health concerns, and God tried to give them a set of guidelines so they would not be stained by the surrounding cultures. Times are confusing as all get out right now. There is all shades and flavors of Christianity in America right now. I know that the American church has been very much stained by the world, some flavors more than others. I am stained by the world. I am trying to cling to the Lord desperately now more than ever to try to understand His truth. I know my heart can be cloudy and swayed and that can make my exegesis of the Bible whack and frankly whatever I want it to be even if I don't mean it to.

What does this have to do with Leviticus? Changing my framework of God's law around a bit and not getting bogged down in the details of the law but rather looking for what the law reveals about God's heart, who He is and His character.

I've been wrestling with birth control and digging into the roots of it more. It seems to me that birth control was in some ways the beginning of the end. Ultimately I think it's lead to the changing of our nations heart towards children and has helped contribute to the demise of marriage. Those are just thoughts though and no way to confirm such things.

Digging into Margret Sanger a bit more and how she really championed birth control and ultimately helped get the ball rolling for Planned Parenthood has been an interesting experience. First off her beliefs are far more atrocious than I could have ever imagined. Second, part of her strategy to promote birth control was through the church. I think if she could see the outcome of her handiwork she'd be well pleased. God's heart is always towards life. Leviticus screams that. Life is precious to God, it's the very work of His Almighty Hand. Life is beautiful and miraculous. Human life in particular reflects the very glory and image of God Himself. Margret Sanger's wonderful idea on culling the population through birth control and her theories on eugenics are so contrary to God's heart.

I've watched people jump in the ring on the FB in regards to abortion. Often I see the side representing Christ invoke how women are willing to murder their child in the name of convenience. I think abortion is one of those issues that we should get incredibly impassioned about but I can't help but wonder if all we are doing is casting the first stones. As Christians we have wholeheartedly embraced the culture of birth control. We happily march off to be sterilized out of convenience because we do not want to be taxed or inconvenienced with another child or an oops! I get it. I wholeheartedly embraced this idea and would have joined the rest of the 2.1 clan had it not been simply due to grace, grace I do not deserve. My plan in marriage had always been to have two kids because why on earth would anyone want to be outnumbered. We'd have two kids and then the hubs would go in to get the big snip. Sometimes it joked about and folks say they got fixed. But why not call it what it really is, voluntary sterilization. Truly before today I had never even thought about it in those terms but after digging in a bit to Sanger it's hard to view it any other way. Most absolutely not all make that decision out of convenience but I think a lot do. If birth control is a slippery slope and I do believe that it most definitely is, how far removed is the heart behind birth control and abortion? I don't want to cast stones I just wonder if we've all been duped.

I know people who have personally wrestled hard with this. Due to health issues that are quite scary or needing to take Meds that are class X, or other various reasons that man of placed in the same shoes is be really hard pressed to choose differently than they did for their family. I most definitely don't think everyone who claims Christ must compete with the Duggars either. I do just wonder though if we aren't part of the problem though. Have we been stained by the world in this area? Are the evils that Margret Sanger believed still rooted in the church? What a wise women she was! She appealed to the church wanting to be progressive and very much for women's rights as she sold ministers on birth control. Having nine hundred bazillion children was a crazy catholic thing, the wise Protestant church didn't need to be tied down to such archaic ideas. After all, the Lord did give us a brain. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. But I do know that the Lord has always been for life. Is this the same slope that can lead people who love the Lord to agree that gay marriage can be something that is holy? Again I don't know but I'm clinging to the feet of Jesus.

I will probably have to finish up how the day continued to unfold later. I don't think I can even do justice to the sermon I heard today. I just know that if I was more okay with not being okay I would have completely come undone in church today. One thing I couldn't completely do was hold back the tears, they started and they wouldn't stop till we sat down to eat lunch. There has been a handful of instrumental sermons that I've heard in my lifetime today I can add another to my list. Today was kinda like hearing Piper preach on the Prodigal Son but it flipped me over even more. It has made everything that I've personally been through and walked alongside people with the past couple years come into crystal clear clarity. It's shined light on my entire Christian walk. Who knew one word could have me come undone but now that I know it I will never be the same.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Whew!

1. Okay so for the last several days I've been a tad nervous that it was possible that Baby Frying Pan was going to make an extra early entrance into the world. Braxton Hicks are part of life with baby in the womb 20 weeks on for me. When I was pregnant with my third I remember looking at different gestational ages of babies and how they faired being born prematurely. My awesome midwife at the time told me the greatness of drinking something with electrolytes everyday and taking magnesium. It was the beginning of my love affair with magnesium which has only grown with more knowledge and a better source of magnesium. Magnesium is my BFF. My midwife also told me to not sweat preterm labor unless the baby was engaged. Have enough babies and you know exactly what this means. Well this little stinker chose to get engaged. With a little engaged head and a tired oh so tired uterus firing off contractions that can get things going even if in my case it's not necessarily imminent. My body likes to piddle piddle before the boom for a good month. Yeah it's awesome fun. Thankfully this little stinkpot got tired of having its head shoved so far down and after laying down tonight has popped back up a bit. This sucker is still riding pretty low but he/she has the whole time. I love this little stinkpot already. Oh how Brown children love to be ornery at times. They get it from their Momma.

2. Tried to get some order accomplished around the ole casa with not much luck. I feel like we had a semi decent handle on order and then it just all fell to pot. It takes like 15 minutes for it all to unravel. I have noticed that extra special chaos makes my squirrels throw a rave.

3. Ate corn yesterday and now I have fire lava flowing down my esophagus. Boo!!! Heartburn so much better on the "program". My inner child will die a bit if I have developed a sensitivity to corn. Also what the heck is up with being middle aged and developing a crop of food sensitivities!?!? I know I'm not alone either! I bite my thumb at thee you autoimmune beasts! I bet people in Africa don't have this problem. I do wonder how much luxury, comfort and ease is truly killing us from the inside out.

4. I like to get to five. I don't think I have a legitimate number five.

5. More Leviticus tonight. Haven't read yet. Just gonna be honest I'm dragging my feet. Hate that and wish it wasn't so but it's the real deal.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, February 03, 2017

Fell Off The Wagon

1. Off the whole 30 wagon. The chips and salsa got to me tonight. I think I could have just drank the salsa but ate the chips anyway. Didn't fall off completely but I'm sure fried corn is not on the plan. Heavy whipping cream is very debatable too but the baby needs fat right? I do love corn and I always have especially when it's fried.

2. Thankful for friends to laugh with tonight. Thankful for a precious little one to get a contact oxytocin high off of. Oxytocin is pretty amazing stuff people.

3. Good perspective from a friend on the refugee issue today. There are no easy and quick answers. Learning more and more the importance of being willing to sit in mourning with others. In El Salvador they sit together for nine days to pray and to grieve. Why we feel the need to rush that process here I don't quite understand. I guess most of us are just not okay with not being okay.

4. So interesting to hear that people with ADD/ADHD actually have damaged brains. In some ways it's a relief. I can't help it, my brain is damaged!!! It also continues to flip my parenting paradigm. God is so gentle and full of grace to us. He doesn't point out every offense. Who could handle that? He encourages and beckons and woes.

5. Again I feel at a loss to figure out this life with Christ. It's so much more than I could have ever imagined. My understanding of grace has been so incredibly limited. Yet abundant grace surrounds me every single day. I'm swimming in it and I'm completely ignorant of just how vast and abundant it truly is.

6. Still need to read and incredibly exhausted.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Boy Oh Boy!

1. Midwife appt today. So per usual my gender guess based on puke is looking like it's going to be wrong. There has yet to be a Brownie's heart rate that has lied. This little stinker is starting to look more like a boy. Fun laughing today thinking about the joys of boy cubed again. Feel a bit old for the upcoming shenanigans that will continue to unfold in BrownTown but so very thankful for the gift of life. My girls might be mourning the thought just a bit. Once they see this little pumpkin it surely won't matter.

2. White knuckled school today. Three done and one unusual suspect procrastinated his way to Saturday school. We might have finished around 7pm. I think 6th grade beating down my door next year is making me want to prove to myself that we can get a full year in even with plays and babes. Next year is the practice before the real push comes in 7th and 8th. For the most part, my two bigs are mostly independent. There's time to keep working on the time management side of things. Maybe I'll actually learn some of that with them.

3. Thankful for a hubs who is a good cook and doesn't mind cooking for his non cooking wife. I'd be living off of eggs, Lara bars and Pollo Tropical if not for him.

4. Leviticus. My brain feels way too mushy for Leviticus. Tonight's reading made my brain hurt with all the details of the different sacrifices. Thankful I am not expected to keep track of such things. I am reminded just how holy the Lord is and how often I completely disregard that and treat the Lord as if we are just good buds. Fear of the Lord is a good thing. He loves me like crazy but I must remember who I am compared to who He is. Humbling for sure and I know I can't even begin to fully grasp just how majestic the Lord truly is.

D

Sent from my iPhone

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

This Is Getting Real

1. Thankful for a beautiful day where my kids could play outside a ton with friends before the weather gets a bit colder again. We also knocked out some school too.

2. Thankful for a lovely meal provided by a sweet friend. Food is always a blessing. I wish I was better at this whole feeding a family thing. Right now it's especially special and I feel pretty foodpid. We are all managing to stay alive somehow regardless. Manna from heaven.

3. Okay so this MT thing is getting more real. Chatted with a friend of a friend via text tonight and discovered a couple helpful things.
- The HS community is hopping to there so my kids won't be forced to be lonely and friend deprived if we move.
- Feb and March are the ugliest months of the year. That doesn't bode well for a babymoon but it's perfect in trying to figure out if this Texan can hang.
- This winter has been unusual which is good to know as I've watched the temps this winter and last winter. I wasn't quite sure which year was the anomaly and I'm glad to know this year is it as the temps have been considerably colder.
- It snows but it doesn't necessarily stick. It snowed 12 inches but it's not expected to be there when we get there. Seems as if my research and theory on the Bitterroot Valley is not whackadoo. It is much milder in that area and it's not snow stuck on the ground and dig yourself out all winter.
- IF we move to MT and IF Hamilton is the spot the friend of a friend's daughter also homeschools and is my oldest age.

I don't even know if moving makes sense at this point. But if it does, and our hearts being stirred to MT is from the Lord it sure does seem like God could already be paving the way. I am confident wherever we go or if we stay the Lord has and will continue to provide every step of the way. The many memorial stones that could mark how God has provided for us just in our almost 13 years of marriage is proof that He has us.

4. Leviticus 1-3. Instructions on offerings. Thinking through what an offering for the Lord looks like today.

D

Sent from my iPhone