Thursday, February 09, 2017

Strumming My Pain

1. Woke up with the rest of my crew pummeled from a great day of vitamin D the day before that included a nice heavy blast of pollen. My poor baby smells like rotten snot and I'm pretty sure he has a sinus infection. Poor kid came out of the womb with allergies.

2. Triggered like crazy today and between the pollen haze and battling grief all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole and sleep. I started off okay but then crashed and burned. A sweet family that was going to watch part of our small army has been hit by the dreaded flu. Their sweet family has been through the dregs with illnesses like this with their poor sweet babies struggling to breath and needing time in the PICU. I'm praying this is simply not the case but Murphy's Law is kinda what we live by so need to find plan C just in case. Discussing other potential families one of my kids spoke of a red flag. I'm pretty confident this family is totally fine but we've learned one hard lesson about red flags and every one is now a complete deal breaker. This lead to another conversation about red flags with this kid and he mentioned the only time he had any major one was with the red flag that I will always regret not doing more about. I totally f'ed that one up.

With things falling through last minute like Costa Rica I just want to completely implode. Grief is a very strange beast.

3. It is interesting that with this new wave of grief, guilt and shame has tried to mow me over. I suck for not being able to pull myself together today (or ever), grocery shop, get laundry complete and not exploding everywhere, not pull my crap together and get alternative kidcare, and every single "defect and flaw" under the sun. Some days are a battle but mostly I'm learning to embrace my organizational and domestic challenges. Today guilt and shame is just coming out sideways. How could I miss everything and send my boy straight into the belly of the beast? How did I get duped and why did I drink the damn koolaide that blinded so much of my judgement? How did I miss so many things and just excuse them away?

4. Love the rest that God built into to His commands and laws. There was a rhythm and a cadence to life that God wanted to teach His people. Rest. Feeling the need to rest even though we are no longer drowning. We've just not had rest after a hard season as man and wife or even as a family. All I want to do is gather up all my chicks and get as far away from this city which is making all of us sick as possible. Praying tonight for so many dear and precious friends who are so incredibly weary. I feel weary today and although I know my soul is yearning for rest I am thankful that the pervasive tone and feeling of our days is not one of weariness. Every day I do grow in my longing for Jesus to just come back.


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