Thankful for so much today. So crazy emotional these days. If I wouldn't feel like I'd freak everybody around me out I'd probably cry buckets on Sunday's. I am still incredibly confused by the whole church thing. In fact, last night had a good conversation about it last night. I feel much peace about trusting the Lord is going to walk us through where our hearts need to land over time. Thankful I'm the mean time to hopefully be laying down some of my arrogance and need to have answers or at least feel like I have them. There is just so incredibly much that I don't understand that I thought I did. Thankful for where we have landed even if becoming anything more than a regular attender anywhere makes me want to dry heave. I trust the Lord with that too. Oh how good is the Lord. How faithful He is! Thankful to be in a spot where I'm being continually reminded of His great love and faithfulness all the while faced with the hard truth of my humanity without the shame and guilt of it all. I've had my eyes on myself so much more than Christ in my walk with Him through the decades.
Thankful for God's provision in putting together the beginnings of a plan for a five year old trip with a precious girl on Tuesday. Thankful for the ways God has been knitting our heartstrings together and how He's faithfully giving me eyes to see this precious girl. Unfortunately, I know she's at times gotten lost in the shuffle as a middle child. This independent girl is growing up so fast. Five! How in the world did this precious girl who adores her big sister and dances around our living room possibly turn five!? My heart can barely stand it.
Really been enjoying the simple Lenten Devo I've been reading. Lent has not turned out to be the journey I was hoping it would be for myself or for my kiddos. I've done nothing with them and normally I at least do a devotional with them as well. With busyness comes trade offs. I hate that fully embracing this season of preparing our hearts and minds for Easter has been on the chopping block I also know God shows up in my failures and weaknesses. I'm sure some of the busyness is mostly a result of worldliness and majoring on the minors. I know celebrating my children is important to me but I know I miss focusing on the true important things and get bogged down by the less important things. It's all a beautiful learning process though. In life there's trade offs, plain and simple. I just pray that over the years I grow wise in the things I'm willing to trade. May I not trade what is real with what is simply an illusion. I know often I make the trade that shouldn't be made.
Mulling over a few things I heard in a talk about navigating the world of teen boys. Again with the overwhelming desire to weep over the culture we will be fighting as we raise our kids. How do I myself continue to fight against the hooks this culture has on my own soul? I really think for me personally and for us as a family fighting against too much busyness and guarding our hearts against wasting time on isolating pursuits and constant comfort/pleasure seeking will be key. There is no way to be able to determine what is simply an illusion verses what is real if I'm not sitting at His feet. I must sit at my Father's feet.
Dare I say it? I've actually enjoyed being emotional this pregnancy. Today I was thinking how I hope this state of being moved to tears becomes more of my natural state than just a hormone induced state. I still don't like to cry in front of others but have less of a desire to be strong or give off the illusion of having strength. I feel I've spent too much time seeking out ways to numb the emotion but it makes life so much more bleak and without color.
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