Sleep eludes me these days. I probably need a week to just sit around and ponder things. Details and ticky tack things and trying to constantly keep moving forward with a to do list drains me. I think I feel most anxious when my schedule is tight because I feel so incredibly boxed in. I truly hate being shoved into a box and constantly being constrained by time kills my spirit. Yet I know I shove my kids in their own torturous boxes.
My hubs had a good talk with one of our kiddos last night. My heart is broken over learning that this kid has struggled with fear and anxiety over the past couple weeks. I've been so self focused and focused on bdays that I missed this kid languishing right next to me. I've struggled with his disobedience and not getting on my program all the while missing what has really been going on. I hate that. That parenting near sightedness kills me as a parent. When it comes to obedience and my children how much have I failed to get it right simply because I've focused on behavior rather than heart? Behavior is so easy to look at and judge yet the heart takes time and understanding to truly get a clear picture of what's going on. It takes digging and wisdom and truly knowing your kid to see their heart.
My Father, the perfect parent who knows me so intimately is such a wonderful example of how I should parent my children. He knows me and He loves me. He knows my struggles,my hurts, my story and my personality bent complete with strengths and weaknesses and He loves me so incredibly well through it all. He is a gracious Father.
Reading the story of the Prodigal Son and an incredible blog post on why the author stopped drinking is running through my mind today. Truth be told I'd much rather have mind space to ponder things such as these than details of a daily schedule and all the various other things that have dominated my mind space lately. This is where I'm choosing to remain today even as I lay here feeling my body gear up for a labor I'm completely unprepared for. I may not get till 39 plus weeks that I'm hoping for but I know God's plan is the best plan and His ways often bring a smile to my face, tears of gratitude to my eyes or eventual surrender to how gracious He is in the darkest of valleys and paths. His plan far exceeds my own.
Last night my mind wondered to Abbie's dream of three babies and my hubs dreaming of us have a baby with Down's. Trisomy. Three. First pregnancy without a single sonogram. Anything is possible. Although Down's Syndrome does not phase me the way it does others trisomy 21 gives me great pause. Oh how my heart would break. Yet I'm thankful that I can look back on the almost 13 years my hubs and I have been married and know that I am simply not the same. Trisomy 21 doesn't strike fear but rather a sadness of our fallen world and great joy knowing that whoever this precious Babe may be he or she has infinite value and I'm thankful for every day I'm given with this precious one. Thankful to be able to grieve as one who has hope. Thankful to be able to take a deep breath and know My Father has me. Thankful for a Creator and Redeemer who is willing to give me insight into the children He has blessed me with so that the many times I only see behavior He offers me the grace to actually see my child the way He sees me.
The hormonal shift that happens at the end of pregnancy has hit full force. I felt it last night as three precious boys left our house to go back home. I've had my head down ready to attach one event after the next. This week is a week of rest and family time at least for a couple days. I think my body has fully given into that and the rush of hormones has set in. A new level of heartburn has also set in. Tums doesn't touch it in the least bit and today I've discovered third trimester puking in a way I never knew existed. Hoping papaya extract is my new BFF for my remaining time as a gestating Momma. Very emotional over this babe that is about to enter this world and all seven of my babes that I've had the blessing of mothering. I had no clue just how incredibly hard parenting would be or how much of a blessing it would be either. The responsibility is great yet I thank God that He is with me in the trenches of parenting and that He is leading and guiding me and even in the midst of my greatest parenting failures His grace is more than sufficient than my weakness. I love these little people in my life even though they drive me crazy at times. Their hearts are so lovely. When I can see past the outward behavior and I can get insight into who God made them to be it kills me that I get to be apart of molding and shaping them. May they fully embrace using all that God has given them strengths and maybe even more so their weakness so that they might glorify their Father.
Lent reading and time with my Beloved.
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