Saturday, April 29, 2017

Toe Jam

1. Silent retreat today. Great to have time to make a huge dump of all the things that have been swirling around in my brain these days. Interesting how themes always seem to tie together and connect or are repeated. Hopefully over the next several days I'll be able to flush it all out more. Crazy exhausted so not tonight.

2. No canned ham hail fell on top of van today. Hail? No.

3. So not every adventure is a good adventure. But I tend to think an adventure is always better than no adventure. I got smacked down with either allergy overload, fourth trimester or adrenal fatigue awesomeness this afternoon. Think I see a pattern post baby now though. Think almost all of my serious brain fog, low blood sugar feeling, fatigue, and dizziness hits in the afternoon. It's not solely afternoon but mostly. Well got smacked pretty hard with it and really wanted to chat with friends and process thoughts in my head and hear theirs. It was wheels off and I felt like crap instead. Then ended up paying for a doctor's date night due to a toe jam. The time spent with friends did not turn out as I had hoped BUT driving home was overcome with emotion thinking about how God has blessed me with people who know me, who aren't afraid to get in the middle of my crazy and my mess and who I know who would even climb into the darkest pit and sit in it with me. I am loved despite my short comings.

4. Did I mention I'm tired?

5. Thankful for four bigs snuggled together listening to audio books and four littles piled on my bed. I am so crazy rich.

6. Zechariah 8: loved this picture of redemption.

"Thus says the Lord of hosts: Old men and old women shall again sit in the streets of Jerusalem, each with staff in hand because of great age. And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in its streets."
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭8:4-5‬ ‭ESV‬


D
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Friday, April 28, 2017

Always Been Here

1. Feels like sweet Frog Boy has always been here already. I miss snuggling more with Mudge but don't take for granted the cuddles I do get.

2. Full day. Lovely friends all day long. Heart full and itching like crazy from the grass.

3. Feel like one of my kiddos won a huge victory today. He shared something that was weighing really heavy on his tender heart. Thankful that he trusted us to carry the weight of his burden. In God's sweetness my kiddo was reassured that the thing he was so incredibly sad about did not happen. Huge victory for this kid and praising God over it. 

4. Zechariah 7 
These verses are thought provoking and convicting.

""Say to all your people and your priests, 'During these seventy years of exile, when you fasted and mourned in the summer and in early autumn, was it really for me that you were fasting? And even now in your holy festivals, aren't you eating and drinking just to please yourselves?"
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭7:5-6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

All our good deeds are like useless rags. How often do I obey or do something good simply for myself? Probably a lot more than I could possibly imagine. Youch!!

D

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Thursday, April 27, 2017

Addicted

1. Today was a bit rough. My usurped littles ran around the house like a drunk version of the two stooges. Those brown eyed Brownies have such a rich robust personality. It's wonderful and it's going to cause premature gray hair. 

2. I finally took the kombucha plunge when put on antibiotics the week before Frog Boy was born. It's always scared me a little. Now I feel like I'm full on addicted. I crave it and people it's an expensive addiction. So I've been lost in a make your own kombucha wormhole tonight. I'm going to figure this out. Then I'm going to figure out how to make easy healthy homemade bread. Next I'm going to overhaul our breakfasts. I've gotta figure out this faulting thing. I remember hitting a huge organization wall at four kids but think I've hit it again. Actually I think I hit it a year or two ago but didn't realize it as I was in another black hole all on its own. It's time to figure this thing out. 

3. Heart all over the place for one of my kiddos. This kid has been extra difficult lately. Really at a loss. Yet another huge reason to get this food thing figured out for our family. I know not every kid is "cured" by a magic diet but I feel like I have to at least try to exhaust everything in my power before we try the Meds route. I see his own heart hurting and it's wrecking me. 

4. Zech 6 - chariots and rebuilding the temple. Still awestruck over the beauty of this book. 

"Tell him, 'This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies says: Here is the man called the Branch. He will branch out from where he is and build the Temple of the Lord. Yes, he will build the Temple of the Lord. Then he will receive royal honor and will rule as king from his throne. He will also serve as priest from his throne, and there will be perfect harmony between his two roles.' "The crown will be a memorial in the Temple of the Lord to honor those who gave it—Heldai, Tobijah, Jedaiah, and Josiah son of Zephaniah.""
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭6:12-14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

A man called the Branch and perfect harmony between the two roles. Chewing on that greatness. 

D

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Well I'm Not Drinking

1. Made it today solo and even made it to play practice. The house didn't burn down and I'm not drinking a stiff drink. I'm thankful for the blessing of a meal from a sweet friend because having to figure out dinner after getting home at 7pm might of had me undone.

2. I hate how difficult it is for me to feed the people in my house. It takes so many skills that I simply don't possess. Planning ahead, organizing, executing a plan, cooking, etc. AND I know we need to do a complete overhaul on what we eat. There's too much attention stuff, stomach woes, joint pain and autoimmune junk going on to ignore what we are putting in our bodies. But how!?!? Jesus that's how.

3. Been chewing on grumbling and complaining after chatting about it oh so very briefly with a friend today. I remember reading through the OT and wondering what the heck was up with those stiff necker Israelites that made them grumble all the time. Then one day I looked in the mirror. Grumbling truly is a thief of joy. It causes spiritual blindness and dang am I ever so guilty of it. It seeps into so much of daily life. Hate that.

4. Looking forward for a silent retreat this weekend. I just might write about it everyday. I need Jesus to calm the swirling thoughts in my head. So many question marks and so many "I don't know what to do's". I need eight user manuals.

5. In the midst of the Forrest of Question Marks I am going to celebrate and give thanks for sweet moments interspersed between much frustration. Tonight my boy told me he couldn't wait till he could read a book. I gave him a funny look and assured him that he could read a book and had him grab one off the bookshelf. It's still very labored reading but he's fighting through it and read part of a book. The kid beamed. As I write that I know at least in part some of my answer. Part of me has wondered if we can just keep up what we are doing and eventually he'll be able to read well enough. BUT I know dyslexic kids can read not only read well some can become amazing readers. Oh how this boy wants to read. He's poured over books since he was a little bit and for him to walk away not just reading well enough would be pretty amazing and a gift to him. MRI's done before and after shoe how a good dyslexia program can "rewire the brain". Where's the lot casting party when I need one?

6. The imagery in Zech tonight was interesting. Our sin in an iron pot with a woman named wickedness. He spoke to all His prophets in such a unique way. Fascinating and so endearing to me.

D

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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Gak!

1. I'm covered in baby gak. How sweet it is. 

2. Callen officially has a frog belly. It's not a sorta frog belly, it's full on. Makes my heart sing.

3. Stressed tonight over decisions and choices. It was good to stop and ask myself why I was stressed. Really it comes down to wanting the answers that I think are best or that I want. The stress in this situation is caused by idolatry. Always fun to see that. The truth is God can provide energy and time needed or He can provide money. Neither one is more difficult than the other. One option requires me to lay down my wants and my desires. The Lord is sweet and many times answers in such a way that is what I want. This of course is not always the case.  So if I'm truly asking Him for what direction is best then I can't go in only willing to entertain my desires. 
"Your Kingdom come. Your will be done."

4. We are back to our full on groove this week. Tomorrow Les has his first gig post Callen. If things go as smoothly as they did tonight when he went to a meeting then I'm confident I'll need a stiff drink by tomorrow night. Bit and Mudge are quite the duo. 

5. Encouraged tonight about our homeschool track today. We are still taking the relaxed Charlotte Mason approach and both feet in the world of Ambleside. My daughter wrote a killer poem today. We've done no formal writing much less gone over any proper way to write a poem. Yet Longfellow and Dickinson have proved to be great teachers nonetheless. I hoped it would work but I'm truly floored by the results. Now granted my boys decided to write their own poetry as well and let's just say the results are not the same. But their maturity is a lot less than my old soul. They will get there in maybe ten years. As they mature I really think they will be storing up the same pieces of knowledge even if it manifests itself in ways that best suit their own unique giftedness. 

6. Loving Zechariah. 

"Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel's hand." (The seven lamps represent the eyes of the Lord that search all around the world.)"
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭4:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I think living in a "go big or go home" kinda world I neglect to celebrate the small beginnings. I want to microwave results or growth and I love instant gratification. It's the small beginnings and the little by little change that can get an entire Temple built. God give me eyes to see the small beginnings and give me a heart that rejoices and gives thanks for them as well.

D


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Monday, April 24, 2017

Snatched From The Fire

It's always amazing to me how living and breathing scripture can be. Sometimes it's very much like reading something for the very first time. Zechariah 3 has my mind blown. 

"And the Lord said to Satan, "I, the Lord, reject your accusations, Satan. Yes, the Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebukes you. This man is like a burning stick that has been snatched from the fire.""
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭3:2‬ ‭NLT‬

We are all a burning stick that has been snatched from the fire. This is who we truly are and yet the Lord takes our filthy rags and dresses us in clothing of one who is honored. We are not treated as we deserve or even reminded of where we came from but rather lavished with undeserved love and honor. 

Mind blown.

D


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Sunday, April 23, 2017

So Much

Brain done. Great day including providence for lunch. So many thoughts but will have to wait for tomorrow.

So thankful for 13 years with my hubs. I had no clue it could be this good. I was terrified of marriage and was blessed with so much. I don't understand His goodness to me sometimes.

D

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Saturday, April 22, 2017

Deep Thoughts Or Lack Thereof

1. I kinda miss pondering things about life and about the world. I love trying to figure out the pieces and where they fit. It's been harder the last several years to make the pieces fit or make sense but I love pondering it all nevertheless.

Instead of trying to figure out the world I'm trying to figure out summer sports. Oh poo to sports! I need an easy family sport option. Maybe we can all run a 5K. I need an RPL sports option for my kids. What I need is some land and then they can dig trenches, take care of farm animals, build fences, romp in a creek and various other active kid stuff.

2. I also need to wrap my head around reading next year for my middle boys. My younger middle is showing signs that are looking all too familiar to other dyslexic signs I saw with bigger. Time to get on more paperwork.

3. Fell into a crazy rabbit hole. So much to consider and ponder and pray about for next year and beyond. Jesus we need you to guide us for each of these precious ones you have given us.

Zechariah 1:
His anger does not last forever. His compassion and patience with us is never ceasing.

""Say this also: 'This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies says: The towns of Israel will again overflow with prosperity, and the Lord will again comfort Zion and choose Jerusalem as his own.'""
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭1:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

D



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Friday, April 21, 2017

I Need A Rosie

1. I would love to have a Rosie the robot right about now. Hubs is still trying to heal up and who can do much of anything while holding a newborn. I could probably put the baby down more but I know how short these days are.

2. This peanut is still just so darn little.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Too Hot!

1. The sweating is just so awesome I can hardly stand it. I was explaining it to my hubs and it's not like a good honest workout sweat or going to burst into a fireball in the Texas heat kinda sweat. It's a I just broke my fever kinda gross sweat. Hormones are so AWESOME!!

2. Anxiety still gone gone gone. I am so thankful. My heart hurts for family and precious friends who battle with horrible anxiety on a daily basis.

3. My Stick Boy is only three mere ounces away from 6lbs!! So going to celebrate when he hits 6lbs. So thankful for my new daily view.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I Got Nothing

I got nothing. Life is good. I'm thankful. My brain is pretty empty. My days are full of sitting on the couch most of the day and holding and nursing Callen. Soaking up this season as much as I can. I will say I've never been as fired up as I am about a growing belly than I have been over watching Callen's grow. The kid needs to get big enough to grow into his eyes and his hands and his feet.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Frog Belly

1. I am fired up to report that Callen is continuing to grow his frog belly. He's only up a half ounce since last week but considering he lost a few I'm pretty fired up about it. Thankful for my little Stick Boy.

2. Really tired still and fell asleep sitting up last night. Littles are still off so still in the throws of itty bitty and the rest of the littles of BrownTown adjusting.

3. My bigs are stepping it up and I'm thankful. I really like to work when they work so hard to be sidelined on the couch while barking orders. For the most part they have really stepped it up.

4. Callen is much like Bella and is rather miffed when he's not in my arms. Flattery at its finest.

5. School today. Not completely full tilt just yet but at least we are back on the horse.

6. I miss having a brain but I love having a delicious smelling baby on my chest.

7. Zephaniah 2 screams the need for humility and the destruction and judgement that happens when hearts remain prideful. Hate hate hate the pride that resides in my heart.

"Seek the Lord, all who are humble, and follow his commands. Seek to do what is right and to live humbly. Perhaps even yet the Lord will protect you— protect you from his anger on that day of destruction."
‭‭Zephaniah‬ ‭2:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

D




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Monday, April 17, 2017

Sweat Lodge

1. Pretty sure I'm going to end up drowning myself one of these nights in my own sweat. Hurray fourth trimester.

2. I'm happy to say that Stick Boy is showing signs of finally getting his newborn frog belly. Not sure if all babies go through a frog stage but mine sure do. Their bellies start to round out on the sides before their limbs start to plump up and they go through a season of looking like a little frog. I'm sure Callen is going to love that I called him Stick Boy and Baby Gollum someday.

3. Not a hint of anxiety today. Hoping that hormonal awesomeness has passed.

4. Feeling really slow and fuzzy these days. It's a mix between sleep deprivation and an oxytocin induced stupor. It's not bad I just continue to have any thoughts of much depth.

5. Wrapping my head around the areas I remain complacent to my own sin. How have I become more like the world than like my Father? Prosperity can be so hard on the heart.

""I will search with lanterns in Jerusalem's darkest corners to punish those who sit complacent in their sins. They think the Lord will do nothing to them, either good or bad."
‭‭Zephaniah‬ ‭1:12‬ ‭NLT‬‬


D

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Sunday, April 16, 2017

Redo?

My head. My head wants to explode with all the thoughts. I wish I could sort it all but my brain feels like a crazy bowl of spaghetti. So here's scattered bullet points because it's all I can muster.

1. Stick boy woke up today and has been nursing nonstop. I had my grand plan to set an alarm every two hours so I could stay on top of keeping that kid's belly nice and full. He took the initiative and has been a sweet ravenous 5 pound bass. I still look at his little stick boy body and at times feel anxious.

2. This anxiety BS is for the damn birds. Really feeling for my brothers and sisters in Christ who struggle with this beast day in and day out. The underlying fear is that I'm going to miss something and mess it all up. The word that goes through my head is not mess but the mother of all words. Then I just want to weep over missing things so badly with my kiddo. Grief comes out in the craziest of ways. Is it strange to trust God's Sovereignty in my precious kiddo's life and yet obviously still harbor unforgiveness for myself.

3. I feel like I need an advent/Easter redo. We never got to Resurrection Eggs or the Lenten Tree so surely we will all go to hell. I know there is a lesson in this years advent season and I don't want to miss it. Tradition is lovely but should never be a noose around the neck. I kinda want a redo this year but I also know each season is perfect in its own way.

4. Today was a full circle church moment. Sang a song that I used to sing growing up at church on Easter. Stopped singing at several points during the service just to listen and couldn't help but think about the Church singing all over the world and how one day we will all sing praises to the King Most High. So ready for heaven and so thankful that Jesus loves His mess of a bride.

5. My bigs pretty much made Easter lunch. My hubs had a crazy painful foot and I was sidelined with a ravenous baby. If it wasn't for my biggest and others stepping up we never would have eaten today. Proud of those kids.

6. Been weepy all day. So thankful for Jesus.

D


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Saturday, April 15, 2017

Head Spinning

1. Weighed my sweet stick boy and he's lost a couple ounces. He's still not below birth weight but headed in the opposite direction I want to go with him. I need to be more time aware with this kid till he is well on his way to Brown sized rolls. Thankful for phones with alarms.

2. Another awesome praise is the "cold" stick boy caught is either not a cold or it's being crushed by my "superior" immune system that is full of my postpartum potions plus a ton of vitamin c. Hurray for crunchy potions and concoctions.

3. Figuring out the roots of my baby anxiety. Thankful as I feel like when I dig up the roots it starts to shrivel up the fruit it bears.

4. Seder tonight. Food and company fantastic. In awe that the Lord chooses anyone. We are all such a hot steaming mess.

5. Got an email yesterday that does not feel deserved. It has me really crunching on lots of things though. So unworthy yet He still loves.

6. Read a Hatmaker blog post that also has me crunching away. Not a Hatmaker fan per say but loved the Hatmaker minus the brand. I don't know but fits into the quite my hubs found by Augustine. "The church is a whore yet she is our mother." Little by little grasping that second half. I can even say I see beauty again in the church I am tempted to be incredibly bitter against. There's beauty in the Church and yet every single one is a wretched collection of sinful men. Thankful for Jesus who loves His whore of a bride.

7. Praise God that the tomb was empty. Praise God that He loves us and died for us and is faithful. Praise God that His grace is sufficient in every single one of our weaknesses.

D

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Friday, April 14, 2017

Too Many Thoughts For Words

I can't sort out all that's in my head. Maybe tomorrow.

Thankful for grace I do not deserve.

D

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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Come On Magical 8 Pounds

1. Thinking about all my sweet friends who struggle with anxiety. I feel like anxiety keeps wanting to wrap its horrible tentacles around my neck. Definitely feels hormonal or dare I say like spiritual warfare and it is absolutely obnoxious. All that to say I will be happy when my precious stick boy is at a nice 8 pounds. I do wonder if Bitty Kitty getting Pertussis hasn't messed me up more than I am aware of. Complete and total trust is so darn hard. I lay it down but immediately want to pick it back up.

2. Still laying low and not rushing off to jump back in with two feet. Partly due to wanting to keep sweet Callen away from Mudgey who wants to show his love to his brother with lots of pudgey fingers in the face and even the occasional licks. I can only imagine what Mudge is going to convince Callen to do in the future. Gray hair is a crown of glory. I'm just going to have to repeat that over and over.

3. Sweat fest at night has officially started. Fourth trimester is so awesome!

4. Got lost in the wonderful world of Baby Callen birth photos. So thankful for such a blessing from somebody that is so very dear to me. Truly there is nothing greater than to give birth surrounded by people you love and adore.

5. Postpartum neck and shoulder crick is in full effect. Yes!!!

6. Baby breath might be one of the best smells on the planet. It's worth going through four trimesters full of fun just to smell it.

7. Bummed we didn't make it to church tonight. We could have done it but pushing past the obstacles that started popping up started feeling a bit crazy. Hopefully letting go of tonight will provide a way for tomorrow.

8. Watched half of the Gospel of John with the kids tonight. There was grumbling at first but they all settled in and seemed to enjoy it. I think tomorrow's installment might hit heavy on some hearts.

9. Thankful for so so much.

D
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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Really?

1. Can't believe my little peanut boy has been outside the womb for eight days. I adore this sweet baby. I'm not the only one.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

1. Not many things better than a baby sleeping on your chest. This season is so short and oh so fabulous.

2. I heart my midwife. So thankful for her. If I hadn't gotten man hands for Lilly I probably would have just stayed with the midwives I was using. Thankful!

3. Came out of my Babymoon cave last night but still retreating back to it frequently. Interesting how slowing down and resting has made me more aware of just how crazy the hormone withdrawals and changing messes with lots of things. This getting right back to things right away after birth is for the dang birds.

4. Oxytocin is one of the best darn things in the world.

5. Overwhelmed by God's graciousness to me.

D

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Monday, April 10, 2017

Let It Rain Let It Rain Let It Rain!

So thankful that it finally rained!!!! Still have the slightest bit of a lingering headache but it lifted considerably when the heavens opened up and rained.

Today I finally settled into one of the last days of my Babymoon. The post birth adrenaline and jitters finally subsided and I was able to nap off and on and binge watch Call the Midwife. The challenge will be continuing to go at a slow pace as I rejoin the world as a mother of eight so that I don't undo the good I did for my body this week. I want to go back in time and tell my foolish self to stop trying to rejoin life so quickly after giving birth. I remember going to Target a few days after giving birth to one of my minions and getting back in the car and wondering how I was going to drive home because my brain fog was so thick and at the beginning of fourth trimester I get wicked drops in blood sugar and I had a wicked drop in blood sugar. I have story after story of being a silly little girl and postpartuming like a dummy. I guess this is why grey hair is a crown of glory. I'm going to do all that I can in the future to help my daughter's and my daughter in laws keep their butts in bed for at least a week or two when they start blessing me with grandbabies.

Lent Devo and more oxytocin binging.

D

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Day Five Day Five Birds and Fishes Come Alive

My poor brain has gone off on holiday. Between hormones, lack of sleep, and a wicked migraine my thoughts are very fuzzy these days.

My sweet hubs went out early this morning to get me a Coke and then later a blood pressure do hickey. When my midwife came to visit the other day my blood pressure was high. For me who is always low it was freakishly high. Spiking a multiday headache that has gotten progressively worse and not phased by Meds combined with a high blood pressure reading the other day were things I couldn't ignore. Thankfully everything is fine and this monster of a headache is probably hormone, weather, grass pollen, etc induced. Thankful for just a run of the mill obnoxious headache.

Still can't believe my newest little peanut is here. Drinking in his freshness as I know it simply doesn't last long at all.

I have a day filled with hopefully a nap, notes for students and wrapping my fuzzy brain and heart around Palm Sunday.

-------
Well nap was a winner and getting stuff ready for PATH tomorrow got done. Trying to write 26 notes to students with crazy thick brain fog is no easy feat.

Tonight I'm thankful for the piece of mind purchased this morning. This headache is out of control. It eased up and I thought had even gone away but coming back with a vengeance. Haven't had one like this in awhile, at least 9 months kind of awhile.

Little man is starting to settle into a pattern. Looking like ten to two in the morning is his witching hour. Taking a nap is going to be my new favorite hobby.

One week out till Easter. Lord help me to sit in the solemnness of this week. I tend to want to fast forward to the rejoicing and not sit in the anguish and the mourning.

Praying for friends who are in their own season of anguish and mourning.

D

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Saturday, April 08, 2017

Let's Burn It All

1. Grass pollen is destroying me. Can't shake this stupid headache.

2. The grand hormone shift actually made nursing not so horrible as my friend had predicted. Thankful for that!!!

3. Think poor Callen's guts might be whackadoo thanks to antibiotics. Thankful for antibiotics when needed. I'm sure it will all shake out eventually. My poor Brownies and their guts and reflux.

4. Rough phone call today. Sad for my kiddos and for myself not to be known. It's very possible that same feeling of loss is felt on the other side.

5. Thankful for my hubs who has been wrangling a crew of seven so I can postpartum like a boss. I'm so blessed by that man.

6. Starting to feel flat. Hurray for fourth trimester shenanigans.

D

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Friday, April 07, 2017

Day Three

Finally got some sleep last night. Felt like I had a huge hangover this morning complete with sinus headache. The excitement of the day was seeing a sweet friend and her beautiful daughter. Wish I didn't feel like such a zombie but part of the hormonal upheaval deal. I've confined myself to bed for seven days postpartum and I'm wondering why in the heck I ever tried to do anything three days after giving birth. Sure I could push through but I've paid for that kinda none sense over and over again and it's drug out the healing time and has taken its toll on me not just physically. Thankful that wisdom does indeed come with the wrinkles and gray hair. Worth it.

Wish I had more lovely thoughts on life and today but my head is simply not working. I am thankful for so much. Thankful for this precious baby sleeping on my chest.

D

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Thursday, April 06, 2017

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow

Still insanely exhausted but have the postpartum jitters and sleep is elusive despite the quite. Overwhelmed by the sweet gracious hand of the Lord in my life and the lives of friends so dear to my heart. He provides so amazingly big and small.

Thankful for fill dirt provided for free with delivery for a precious friend.

Thankful to see a dear friend I do not see enough and grateful for precious friendships that can pick up where they left off. Joyful to hear how God is using her passion, gifting and season in life to be the very hands and feet of Christ. He knew the journey He was taking her on and overwhelmed to see His gracious goodness in her life. Time has grown both of us. He is faithful to grow and change us. It's beautiful.

Thankful to see such a sweet picture of just how much the Lord has blessed me with such amazing friendships through out the years. Thankful for the ways the Lord healed the broken places in my heart so that I could experience just how amazing the gift of friendship can be. Vulnerability is hard and can be ever so painful but so worth it. It will be paradise to be with my brothers and sisters in Christ and have no sin or baggage in the way. Oh to worship our Creator together just as we were created to be. Lord let me not loose sight of this picture of eternity with you and all those you have redeemed. Let me not exchange the temporal and my desire for ease and comfort for eternity.

Thankful for the ways the Lord has provided for every last Brownie and not only their pregnancy but the story of their birth as well. Each one with its own flavor and each one oh so perfect that lead to the next chapter of the story.

Sweet Samuel Callen's birth provided for in so many ways.
- Babe that showed every sign of wanting to come earlier but God listened and held Him in till 38 weeks.
- Whooping cough Meds finished the night before he came.
- My sweet neighbor and dear friend was home and was able to take the whole Brown crew shortly after my water broke.
- My water breaking and knowing without a doubt that labor was on. When my contractions finally did come together I was pushing out a Babe an hour later.
- The sweetness of coming on my beloved midwives Bday. It's her first birthday baby too which is so special to me and will be to Callen one day too.
- I love being outdoors. Labored outside in beauty with people I cherish. Saw God's beauty displayed in the sky. Walked with my beloved and got to mix it up with neighbor's which I love.
- Timing was perfect for the two people I hoped would be at my birth, my dear midwife and a cherished friend.
- I prayed for the right songs on my play list and today as I listened smiled at just how perfect it truly was.
- The joys that I had not known would exist with my oldest being there at the birth. Seeing her overcome with emotion after witnessing her brother be born leaves me without words.
- God protecting Callen as he had made a bowel movement before I delivered him. He protected Paul the same way.
- A blessing way that showered me with such sweetness and love and opportunity to show an example of godly community and proclaim Christ. Still no words to express the beauty of that day.

------
Feeling the exhaustion of a year and have that lovely run over by a truck feeling. Putting my Meemaw Arthritis Pants on too. Could be grass pollen since I've forgotten to take allergy Meds the past two nights. My heaven body is going to rock! It would be awesome if having children equaled abs in heaven.

D


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First Twenty Four Hours

1. Mudgey and Bit are HUGE. I knew that was going to happen but no matter how "prepared" I am for it, I'm still always caught off guard by just how much a child can grow up overnight.

2. I'm super dee duper exhausted. Way too many nights of not enough sleep. Cat napped off and on today but hard with sibs excited to hold baby and every Brownie just off from being up way too late.

3. You would think some things would be easy peasy your eighth time around. Not so much. Little man is like a starved piranha with a horrible latch. He's just so itty bitty and the poor thing can't deal with his mom's huge nips. He's spitting up and gagging on amniotic fluid too which adds another element of awesome to the mix. Overall I'd rather go through labor again than nurse. Thankful I got him to take a pacifier without gagging so that I can escape being the human paci. I can't do it! Ouch!

4. I have an amazing amount of things to give thanks for. Hoping a bit of sleep and a shower tomorrow will help my mental state so I can wrap my brain around the last couple days. It's been brutiful as the best things normally are.

5. Thankful for my awesome hubs, Jesus and for this sweet baby taking a paci.

D

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Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Baby No Name

Thankful for so many blessings today. God's gracious hand was over another birth of a sweet little Brownie. He might not have an official name yet but he is already so loved. Going to bed with a heart full of gratitude and a sweet precious baby on my chest.

Monday, April 03, 2017

These Brownies Sure Are Something

1. I was fine being stuck in pre-labor land. Really I was. Tonight low and behold they got decently regular and started to lengthen and it looked like this show was finally going to kick off. Then out of nowhere it felt like I needed to push or rather LOTS of pressure. Contractions instantly stopped which is not uncommon to happen when they switch to pushing contractions. The urge to push passed could tell Frying Pan switched position and everything stopped cold turkey. Bahahahahaha!!!!! Position surely is everything. My fingers are crossed for another en caul baby and maybe some inspiration for a name. Pokey McDumplin is sounding kind of appropriate right now.

2. Up again in the middle of the night for needless hours because of my wombmate. I look forward to our middle of the night date tonight.

3. Thankful for today and for the gift of laughter. I missed going to PATH today but I also thought it was marvelous to stay in bed this morning.

4. Thankful for three little pumpkins who are now breathing better after struggling to breath. Each breath is a gift that I take for granted every single day.

D

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Sunday, April 02, 2017

There Is No Resurrection Without Pain

Up in the middle of the night again with contractions strong enough to wake me but still very sporadic. All signs pointing to them doing something and that I'm indeed in early labor. This is a combination of Bit and Mudgey's labor. I had hoped to be able to make it to church today knowing that hearing the message would offer the last shred of peace needed to fully lean into the birthing process. I almost laughed out loud when I discovered that the message was on pain. God's goodness and love towards me is so great. Even in my unfaithfulness His love never wavers and He is always faithful.

I loved the great reminder that it's not the Lord who leads us to death it is the Lord who leads us through death. It's the pain and suffering of Christ that makes the Resurrection all the more beautiful. Nobody wants to suffer. Nobody would ask to suffer but there is redemption and resurrection at the end of it. The dross is burned off and the purest of gold is left behind. One day for those of us who call the Lord our Savior we will see with clear eyes that the suffering was indeed worth it.

Made it to 38 weeks. He is oh so good.

D

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Saturday, April 01, 2017

April Fools

Today was so beautiful in so many ways. I wish my eyes weren't so droopy so I could unpack it all. Thankful for a sweet time with women this morning and for sweet tears and for lots of proclaiming Jesus. My heart is so very very full and I feel very loved.

So this morning figured out why I've been to do list obsessed and resistant towards labor. I had a dream that I delivered my sweet baby and it was so so tiny and although the baby didn't die in my dream that was what was going to happen. I think because I never had a sonogram the fear that I might give birth to this sweet babe only to say goodbye has been a fear I didn't realize I had. I had no idea how reassuring getting to see my babe in the womb was to me. I also think that after giving birth seven times without a hitch there is a part of me waiting for the bottom to fall out. In life the bottom falls out. Yet in the midst of the fallen out bottom I know the Lord is within the storm. I know this so it's just wrapping my heart around this yet again.

Up in the middle of the night with contractions. Can't express how grateful I am to have a midwife who loves Jesus. I trust her counsel and that her heart is soft to the Lord's leadings and prompting. When she said try to rest I was indeed able to sleep and rest. Praying I can rest in Him and give the details of labor to the Lord. He holds all the details in His hands and I can trust Him.

D

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