Sunday, April 16, 2017

Redo?

My head. My head wants to explode with all the thoughts. I wish I could sort it all but my brain feels like a crazy bowl of spaghetti. So here's scattered bullet points because it's all I can muster.

1. Stick boy woke up today and has been nursing nonstop. I had my grand plan to set an alarm every two hours so I could stay on top of keeping that kid's belly nice and full. He took the initiative and has been a sweet ravenous 5 pound bass. I still look at his little stick boy body and at times feel anxious.

2. This anxiety BS is for the damn birds. Really feeling for my brothers and sisters in Christ who struggle with this beast day in and day out. The underlying fear is that I'm going to miss something and mess it all up. The word that goes through my head is not mess but the mother of all words. Then I just want to weep over missing things so badly with my kiddo. Grief comes out in the craziest of ways. Is it strange to trust God's Sovereignty in my precious kiddo's life and yet obviously still harbor unforgiveness for myself.

3. I feel like I need an advent/Easter redo. We never got to Resurrection Eggs or the Lenten Tree so surely we will all go to hell. I know there is a lesson in this years advent season and I don't want to miss it. Tradition is lovely but should never be a noose around the neck. I kinda want a redo this year but I also know each season is perfect in its own way.

4. Today was a full circle church moment. Sang a song that I used to sing growing up at church on Easter. Stopped singing at several points during the service just to listen and couldn't help but think about the Church singing all over the world and how one day we will all sing praises to the King Most High. So ready for heaven and so thankful that Jesus loves His mess of a bride.

5. My bigs pretty much made Easter lunch. My hubs had a crazy painful foot and I was sidelined with a ravenous baby. If it wasn't for my biggest and others stepping up we never would have eaten today. Proud of those kids.

6. Been weepy all day. So thankful for Jesus.

D


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