Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Not Enough Chocolate

1. Today there was not enough chocolate.

2. Rough day. I never woke up and kids were so loud and unruly. Everyone was exhausted. The camping and coop hangover was extra special.

3. I'm ready for bed. But before I throw in the towel I'm thankful for..

-Luke starting Take Flight with a teacher that sees her students and cares so very much for them. He has no idea how much he is blessed but I know and I'm so very thankful.

- Thankful for time outside chatting with the dear friend who is pouring into my son. Getting a chance to see her more makes my heart giddy!!

- I get to teach my kids. Today was rough but watching them learn and grow and getting this time with them is amazing. I do pray that I would keep my eyes fixed on the things that matter most. Teaching five kids each with their very own real struggles of OCD, hyperactivity, learning differences, attention issues, and dyslexia is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. Throw in a few littles and no wonder why the rough days are super rough. BUT I'm thankful for this creative, sensitive, talented bunch of ragamuffins. I'm so very rich. Lord give me eyes every single day to see that. Let the mess and chaos not be the focus. Let the boxes checked not measure our success on any given day. Father let it be about their hearts Lord and please continue to do surgery on mine.

- I'm thankful for health for all of us. Today was rough but I know there is an entirely different kind of rough that I'm clueless about.

- Again so thankful for work and for all of us being able to stay under one rough for the entire month. Grace abounds.

- Thankful for friends who aren't afraid to sing little ditties so I don't feel so crazy.

1 Samuel 1:
Pondering all of this. The puzzle is so much bigger than we could possibly realize.


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Monday, October 09, 2017

Give Thanks

1. Last night was the most lovely shower in the world. Pretty sure I forgot to give thanks for that.

2. Thankful for my hubs getting enough gigs this month and for all of them being in town. It puts a damper on getting out and camping again this month BUT I'm so glad we seized the opportunity when we did. And I'm still really thankful that by His graciousness the ants didn't win.

3. Thankful for more refreshment headed my way with a weekend away from my lovely children.

4. Thankful for seeing such creative and out of the box thinkers today. My younger group of kids struggled but makes sense with where they are developmentally.

5. Thankful I have the freedom to teach my kiddos. It's exhausting work but love seeing their lightbulbs go off.

6. My kids have been randomly bursting into song lately. Its fantastic! Thankful for random bursts of joy.

7. Romans 1 Lots and lots to chew on here.

"I am writing to all of you in Rome who are loved by God and are called to be his own holy people. May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬


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Sunday, October 08, 2017


1. We came. We saw. We conquered some ant booty! I was concerned that our camping adventure was going to be derailed but some fire demons. But this was not so. Victorious! Thankful for the Lord's gracious hand upon our adventure.

2. I'm a little bummed our second trip in October is going away but also really thankful for work in town. So no complaining here. The Lord is gracious.

3. My little baby love did so well on this camping trip. I love this little baby so very much. I wish I could freeze him just like he is for several years so I could get through my two bigs adolescent years with this glorious oxytocin pulsing through my veins. Jesus. I will need Jesus every single day. I need Jesus everyday now!

4. Joy. I realized joy is what has been missing lately. Being in His creation and way from all the distractions cleared my heart and my soul to experience joy. Still fighting the melancholy and although I'm in awe of all the Lord has created I still feel a million miles away from Him. It's a season. Not my first season of this nor probably my last. 

5. Romans 8 It's so very much and so hard to fully wrap my head around. 
"And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering."
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

I'm so eager to fast forward and go straight to sharing in his glory. The suffering makes things beautiful though. I know this and yet I hate that it is so. 


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Saturday, October 07, 2017

Doe A Deer

1. Had a magical moment today. Like straight out of a made for TV movie moment. A deer was on the side of the road and one of my kids said it was a doe and then it was on. They all busted out in Do Re Me Fa So. It was magical for that three minutes.

2. Great day. I love camping. I've been battling the ants and although our feet have had some hits we are keeping them at bay. I feel a little crazy sweeping around our tent multiple times a day but I think it's keeping them out. Thank you Papa Google!

3. Still feel very distant from the Lord but I'm in awe of Him. I always am in nature. The melancholy has lifted. All is right with the world when I am in His creation. Everything screams the glory of God. So very thankful.

4. Loved waking up to hearing my son in awe over the sun rise. Glorious.

5. So at peace out here. We get reception out here but I've kept my phone off except when I've needed to run into town for ant supplies or ice. It's been lovely.

6. "He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me."
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18:19‬ ‭NLT‬‬
Loved this tonight. He rescued me for no other reason than He delights in me. He didn't rescue me bc I prayed right or was awesome at x, y or z. He rescued me because he delights in me.


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Thursday, October 05, 2017

Browns Versus The Ants

1. Holy smokes are there a lot of fire ants at this State Park. Think The Birds by Hitchcock but with ants instead. I'm hoping my neurotic sweeping around our tent will yield an ant free dwelling. I might have sprayed ant spray around our tent as well for good measure. We all might have a contact high but if we stay ant free it might all be worth it.

2. I already have that gritty camping feel. It's glorious and the moon tonight makes it all worth it.

3. Bigs put up the little tent by themselves this evening. They were pretty proud of themselves. Excited about my boys doing scouts in the future.

4. Amen!
"Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had!"
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭5:21‬ ‭NLT‬‬

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Ooooh That Smell!

1. Trying to avoid Alzheimer's by using "natural" deodorant is going smashingly well. I stink. Better to stink and still be able to think? Hope so. At least winter is about to start knocking on the door in a few months.

2. Didn't know how today was going to shake out with Big Papa still in the shop. Thankfully things fell beautifully into place and I was able to make it to a funeral I had hoped to make and had a couple extras tonight as well. Such a sweet crew of kiddos. Makes my heart melt thinking about them growing up together.

3. Gotta hit the hay as there is lots to be done to get us ready to go camping. We saw a window on Sunday and decided to try and make a go of it. It's been three long years since we've gone. I don't know how that's even possible. I feel like those three years have been a black abyss.

4. Read laminations but then obvious crashed. This coughing thing is a bit maddening.


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Tuesday, October 03, 2017

Lung Fung

1. When we lived in Portland there was a restaurant that we always passed by that was called Lung Fung. Needless to say we never ate there. I've got a bunch of Lung Fung that makes sleeping at night awesome. Might try wet socks tonight and hope for a cough respite.

2. Lung Fung was not the only awesome last night. A clogged duct was knocking on my door and I was pretty confident I was going to wake up with a round of mastitis. Thankfully I had some homeopathic stuff and it worked like a champ. I've used it several times now and it's like the liquid plumber of breasts. Seriously can't believe how well it works. I'm so thankful I didn't have mastitis on top of a PATH hangover.

3. Today was rough but we got it done! We even made it to a rainy NNO. So glad somebody else hosted!

4. I wish I could freeze my little Calzone. He is a dream baby. I was so due a dream baby. He turns six months tomorrow. I don't think that can even be possible!

5. Amen!
"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!""
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:20-24‬ ‭NLT‬‬


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Monday, October 02, 2017

Poor Big Papa

1. Today I sat at the park and watched Big Papa get towed away. It looked like a very sad white beast being hauled away.

2. Nobody wakes up in the morning and thinks "today would be a lovely day for car trouble". Moths and rust and such keeps things like this a reality in life. As long as we live in this world things will break down including our bodies.

3. Sitting under my tamarisk tree today or rather walking away from it I saw a bigger picture. Moths and rust happens yet today the Lord was very very gracious to me.
-Big Papa gave out at a stop sign in a neighborhood. I know it was obnoxious for a few people today but everyone was safe. There are so many many places Big Papa could have stopped that could have been dangerous to us and to those driving around us.
-Big Papa stopped right by the park where friends were at. Kids could wait in a safe place with friends while we figured it all out.
-My friends at the park were there to help get our family, that has long out grown a mini van, home.
-Big Papa didn't have a breakdown when my hubs was out of town. I would have figured it out but with tears and nashing of teeth. Big Papa held off simply due to God's graciousness to me.
-AND my sweet neighbor who Mudgey might choose to live with fed ten extra people after a long day of coop. Not only that I got another taste of the beauty of hospitality. Just do it! It doesn't have to be perfect because breaking bread together is what is perfect.

4. Wondering if some of my melancholy and inability to connect with God could be delayed postpartum stuff. Little Boy Blue seems like an old man now but really I'm still very much in the zone for hormones and funk to come chugging down the track. I know feeling flat has been one of my things and after one of my babies, I think Boo, I struggled with a horrible bout of apathy. So it makes sense that apathy and being triggered with all the church stuff has combined to make a melancholy mess.

5. I have realized that the shame demon has not left the room quite yet. I think I've done some great work kicking shame to the curb but it is so deeply rooted that there is just more work to be done. My struggle with shame definitely effects how I view the Lord. I feel my framework being torn apart and it's left me feeling crazy or topsy-turvy. This doesn't feel good and yet I think it's a very good thing. He's leveling the mountains, busting down the doors of bronze and cutting the iron bars. Thats feels chaotic because it is chaotic BUT the result will be more freedom and eyes that can see even more of who He is.

6. So I continue to pray for a van large enough to fit our family, neighbors and friends the same way He has provided other vehicles for us. I trust that even when I can't see it He is working things out. This season of melancholy mess will indeed pass and whether it get worse or whether it get better the Lord is good.


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Sunday, October 01, 2017


My sweet boy had a horrible nightmare several nights ago and has been in our room ever sense. He finds comfort when I play the evening prayer and The Lord Bless You And Keep You. I'm thankful that the Lord is a source of comfort to him.

My precious girl. I'm so weary from Oscar. I want to choke him to death. He reveals how much patience I lack and how often I fall short in being the loving parent I so desire to be. If Oscar is an ever present weight to me I can only imagine how weary my precious girl is. I read a post on the book of faces written by someone whose son struggles with horrible depression. Heartbreaking insight for sure.

Bitty having a hard time being shoved out of the baby Camp. Whatever the others haven't crushed out of me I'm pretty confident she might finish off. She is quite the persistent little girl.

Church was hard. No huge land mines went off today, it's just hard. So we keep pressing forward. Everything seems to fall flat and I'm pretty cynical. But I continue to press on and I trust that He is working things out and will use even this. God where are you?

Started Lamentations tonight. Tried to jump into James but honestly it just feels condemning right now. Lamentations on the other hand feels right up my alley. Hate being Negative Nelly but I'm Eeyore right now. To try to put a good face on it would not be true to where I'm at right now.

Today I realized most of my discontentment has come from not being okay with where I am. Melancholy Land is not nearly as cool as Lunch Lady Land where is much rather be. But I am in a season where I am just melancholy and cynical. I want to read my bible and write about my joy filled heart and my new discoveries about God but that's not where I'm at. So I'm choosing to be content to be Eeyore. This season will not last forever. It will either get better or it will get worse. I'd like to think it will get better but there's no guarantees and frankly the Lord doesn't owe me that. So until something changes I'll be content to sit on my dirt pile with my irritating hacking cough.


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