Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Go To Sleep!!!

My night owls were killing me tonight. One little wild toddler is still going strong. Could not here one more word tonight.

Thankful for time with a cherished friend this morning. I'm sad at how fast my babies have grown but it's so lovely to be able to leave for a bit.

I'm officially weary of Flupalooza. I think this is part of my no more words problem tonight. The big boys are very much well and stir crazy. But poor Boo has had one heck of a fever all day. This is the weirdest funk. They have gone down, then seem better then are sick again. Its obnoxious! Now One has pink eye. I'm over it! BUT I'm so thankful despite this being obnoxious they are well. I have so much to be thankful for really. So very much!

Had many thoughts earlier at my sink altar but too whooped to get anything of real substance out.

Facebook free February is exciting!

Finished up Exodus. Overwhelmed by the details again. Once again taken back by the skilled workers the Lord skilled for a very important purpose. Art, it's a beautiful thing.

D

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Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Okay think we may be a go to fly the coop at least a little tomorrow. No fever for 24 hours! Whoop!! I'm a little whooped from little man not sleeping great due to the snotty conditions. Even so, this kid is so very very sweet. He is such an incredible joy!

Thankful for a sweet friend bringing us GF pizza tonight. Kids were in hog heaven and I was so thankful to not have to scrounge around and try to figure out GF ghetto dinner. Our flying the coop probably needs to involve the grocery store.

Still binge watching Parenthood. I could do with out all the skin but the humanity intermingled with grace and acceptance is making me ponder a lot.

D

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Monday, January 29, 2018

Duuuuuuudeeeee

1. Cabin fever setting in. Kids still recovering. Two more new fevers. Boo and Bit officially sick too. Bitty like Mudgey and not phased much by fever. First one to get it a week ago took a two hour nap today so I was concerned he would wake up with fever from a secondary infection. No fever but headaches, fatigued and brain fog. Read a couple posts about people getting both strains this year. I know it's possible but goodness I hope this is not the case for us. It's a brutal season!!

2. More Exodus. God is very detail oriented and very clear and precise when He calls His people. Reading through all the instructions are completely overwhelming to me. Details make my head spin. But at the end of the reading today the Lord lists the names of the people He gifted and equipped to get the work done. He helps us and doesn't just dump something on us and say see ya! He equips the body to come along side. He provides in many ways. Sometimes it's thru manna and sometimes it's through dreams and storehouses of grain but He provides. I know He's trying to pound this into my heart but man walking by faith can be hard.

3. The good thing about the flu has been evenings spent binge watching Parenthood while dealing with littles. The family in Parenthood is very lost but there are many things I really like about it and long for as my kids grow up. I want the tight knit, the fun, the traditions carried on but with Christ as the hub. I even want the Christ as a hub to look different I think. Thankful for the wisdom that comes with gray hair.

D

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Sunday, January 28, 2018

Down With The Ship

1. I'm hoping I'm just tired from interrupted sleep from Cally but I fear it may be my time to go down with the ship. If so, I'm thankful I've been well as the rest dropped like flies. I'll have at least a couple who are able to limp along if I'm stuck in bed.

2. Poor Cally is more miserable today. There is nothing sadder than a sad little baby.

3. Oy! Sometimes that is all you can say. Still have a hard time bearing up under the name of Christian. I'd change it but all the other names I can come up with are full of Christianese. Need to spend time with my Chinese friend and listen to her thoughts on the American Church. We are a hot mess. I'm one of the biggest and I'm so ready for Jesus to just come back.

4. I need some spring weather and some healthy kids. And maybe chips and queso.

D

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Flupalooza

1. Boo and I are the last ones standing. Cally started running a fever but it's not crazy and I'm thankful. He's a sad little boy but not a very sick one. Mudgey was a wild thing today after being super sick yesterday. BUT I think we may be starting to get on the other side. Rough moments but looks like we made it.

2. Exodus 25-27. I'm not big on details but today as I read the details given for the Tabernacle I was reminded what an artist the Lord is. He cares about beauty and He has created some of His people with gifts to make and see beauty.

D

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Friday, January 26, 2018

And Another Bites And Another One Bites And Another One Bites the Dust

1. Flu versus Browns. Five down. Five left standing. Off and on today I've thought I was a goner but then would bounce back. I've definitely got off and on stomach pain and last night my legs ached like crazy but that could all be a fluke. Mudgey has been the saddest little guy today. Hoping if Cally and I are going to get it that I get it first. Maybe the funk I got in November and the Roseola he recently got over will have primed our immune systems enough. Not holding my breath.

2. So many things I've missed in Exodus. Love how you can read the same passages over and over and yet it be like the very first time. Another kiddo starting to feel warm. Only three in the house right now holding strong. Hurray for Prime Now and Netflix!!

D

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Thursday, January 25, 2018

Arrived

1. First evening date out sans babysitter. We didn't go further than 15 minutes but Bigs rocked it! I tell you that kid can run circles around me. I hate the anxiety she struggles with but it might be the thing that helps keep her grounded and humble. But on the anxiety note although it's very much still present I think no gluten might be helping to take the edge off. Our flu outbreak hasn't raised her anxiety much at all. That is a HUGE victory!

2. Zoodles! They are amazing! My life might be changed and I may be able to be GF forever! I hear cassava tortillas are pretty awesome and if so I will be able to weather this gluten free world.

3. One flu bag better and well enough to harass sibs once again. The sore throat of my poor Lukey had me wondering if it was strep also since that is running around rampant. I prayed as I swabbed his throat and I'm thankful to say it came up Negative. I'm not sure I got a good swab done but I'm counting it as good! I hate strep!!! HATE IT!!!

4. I realized today that coop starts for us Monday. Hoping everyone else stays well. Missing the first day would be a bit of a whip class wise. I am jealous of my neighbor who won't be getting into the fray this semester. It's a sweet little coop but Monday's in PJ's are really awesome too.

5. My sweet Cally is close to crawling and I'm loosing my sweet and easy lap baby rather quickly. 😭 It gets harder and harder watching them grow up so fast. I think with the others it took too long to understand what was happening but now I know full well what them growing so fast means. In many ways it means freedom but there are many wonderful things that are gone forever.

6. Exodus 19-20. The fear of the Lord doesn't last long. How quickly we ( I ) forget the might and power of the Lord.

D

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Wednesday, January 24, 2018

And Another One Bites The Dust

Think two more might be out for the count tomorrow. PB perked up this evening a bit. Thankful it's not the long drawn out flu strain.

I'm so stinking tired. Mulling over Exodus. Love how the Lord builds in so many memorials. We forget so easily. I have always loved the visual of Aaron and Joshua holding up the arms of Moses.

D

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Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Flu Yeah!

1. Homey the Clown started feeling puny yesterday afternoon and has been laying around most of the day. Looking flu like but since there's not much that can be done at a dr I'm not curious enough to get an official diagnosis and risk picking up something else in the waiting room. His cough sounds horrible. We'll see if the rest of us start dropping like flies. I'm hoping the Elderberry and oscillo will work it's magic for all of us.

2. I'm so tired. I'm battling something. Allergies or whatever but I'm the herpes express and feel super run down. I probably just need a good dose of vitamin D.

3. My heart is sad over the bondage religion puts us in. Oh how cheapening grace must grief the heart of Jesus. Lord I know I'm guilty of cheapening it as well. Help me to embrace your grace abundantly and give it out freely as well.

4. Exodus.

D

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Monday, January 22, 2018

Sitting Duck

1. Sweet friends keep dropping like flies from the flu. It kinda feels like being a sitting duck. What a crazy flu season.

2. Birthday for a sweet boy today. Love how my girl loves on those younger than her. Thankful for time with friends and the same for my minions.

3. Too much yelling at my kids today. Trying to be heard over the noise level has been extra special the last couple days. A silent retreat sounds quite lovely today.

4. The Exodus. The hardening of hearts and those willing to listen to God's Word is interesting to me.

So very tired.

D

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Sunday, January 21, 2018

Push Through

1. Pushes past the anxiety and went to church this morning. Right before we left I was frustrated at how late we were leaving and couldn't help but wonder why bother. But as usual, I was so glad to be there.

2. Grabbed a kinda nap this afternoon. It was just an interrupted hour but snoozing between kid questions was lovely.

3. Instapot verses me. Instapot wins. It's awesome to admit that I can't even figure out how to use kitchen equipment.

4. Nights of my baby piglet eating all night have hit me. So tired.

5. More Exodus.

D

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Saturday, January 20, 2018

If I’m Honest

Trying hard to grasp hold of Christ and recognize my sinful humanity as I am in the depths of struggling with the church again. Before the mortal blow I received from the Church I have struggled with American Christianity off and on. It's not a new theme but it might be from my entire life of the church either being an immense let down or it causing incredibly painful blows. It's also knowing how it causes many people pain. I keep coming back to and I think it's Augustine who said "the Church is a whore yet she is our mother." I'm going to butcher it but as I cling to Augustine's quote I also cling to Nouwen's. "Where much grace is needed much grace is given." That quote actually was in regards to the craziness of the Church. We are all sinful men trying to run towards Christ.

Anyway, as i continue to stew over the Bride of Christ I am trying desperately to understand the heart of Christ more and more. As I wrote the Bride of Church, I am still overcome with the thought of how amazing we will all be when fully redeemed in heaven. It will be a glorious sight to behold.

I've been trying to figure out why I took such delight in wanting to use my bible as a sword the other day. It is a sword of truth true but I know I took pleasure in it in ways that had nothing to do with honoring Christ. It was more of a oh yeah, you wanna pull out scripture? I'll pull out my bible and trump you. Really I think that boils down to self protection. I don't want to be in a place where I'm vulnerable with anyone from the church in any sort of meeting ever again. I'm so over proof texted scripture that is used to control and manipulate. You have to look at the entirety of scripture and the intent of the book or passage itself. I was ready to pounce. All of it is understandable but being on guard and guarded doesn't lead much to loving others. This is the key. Not to puff up or back down and for me not to be guarded. But if I'm honest being guarded is being puffed up. The very think I want to reject completely, pride, is the very thing I use to self protect. Wonderful. Control must be prides BFF.

As I've been thinking through the scripture I've read the past couple weeks I tend to drift back to Abraham a lot. There's a lot of sexual dysfunction that happens in that family. It doesn't disqualify him but if I dig a little deeper his sin pattern is not without consequence. All I could see on the outside was Abram offering his wife to other men and being rewarded with wealth at the end. But this is all intertwined with Ishmael as well and Sarah offering Hagar to Abraham and Abraham accepting. That has changed the course of the world. Which if I'm honest feels terrifying that our actions can cause so much chaos. This is the truth of the nature of sin but the Lord still uses it for His glory and for His plan.

And Moses. I don't think I've ever understood the magnitude of what the Lord asked him to do. I know he grew up in the house of Pharaoh but I understand why he respectfully asked the Lord to find someone else. I believe the Lord calls us all to be strong and courageous at some point in our lives. I don't think I've handled my own call to be strong and courageous very well at times. I've wanted to shrink back and avoid being brave. I've done some brave things but I think it's time to step up and do more. The number one mission I keep coming back to is these kids that the Lord has blessed us with. I have to keep marching forward and be brave. Trusting He has us and that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He is invested in this mission of raising them with us. He sees their struggles and He can give us the courage we need to keep moving forward. He's bigger than OCD. He's bigger than ADHD and combined ADHD and pre-wiring towards addiction. He's bigger than sexual abuse and goodness knows what else we have in store for us. He's bigger than adolescence and teen years that can sometimes be tumultuous. He's bigger than my ability to homeschool or issues with pubic school or whatever. He's bigger than the sum of my inadequacies. He is bigger. He loves us. He can provide when the locusts have stripped every branch bare. He's with us when the land is fruitful. He's with us when we face the giants. We are all called to Egypt and it's terrifying. But the question remains, will I answer His call and trust.

D

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Sunrise. Sunset.

Woke up angry. Not a fun way to wake up to face the day. Then Fiddler was on and I tell you it is like the anthem of hope. It feels so ridiculous but if the Lord uses a musical to change the tone of my heart and our home then I'll take it.

Realtor came by our house this evening. Looks like we will be able to sell our house as is without taking a total bath on it. The plan the realtor laid out sounds pretty darn amazing too. One open house and done. Having to fix and get this house ready and be ready for lots of showings sounds near impossible. So I'm thankful. Still wrestling with trust but trying.

I have felt convicted that I need to take Bigs to youth events that she is wanting to go to. Frankly, driving her and picking her up when I know a big pep talk will be involved has kept me from encouraging her to be brave. So due to my own reasons (selfishness) her first youth event was tonight. I prayed the Lord would send her a familiar face to comfort her. Ideally I thought I would drag everybody out of the car and I'd walk her in. Two kiddos fell asleep in the car though on the way there. I wanted her to go in and give me a thumbs up before I took off. She saw the youth pastors wife but anxiety gripped her hard. She begged to just go home but I was really pushing her to be brave and push pasted the anxiety over her stomach. Think near panic attack. And then I see the family of one of her favorite friend's at youth come strolling up and all was well. She raced out of the car to greet her friend and my Momma's heart was eased knowing parents I knew were staying to help out. Such a direct answer to prayer. He knows us. He sees us. I can stop kicking and screaming.

Thankful for my kids getting to see sweet friends today and I'm thankful for getting time with friends as well. Good for the soul.

I'm a bit emotionally exhausted from the whirlwind of the last two days. As much as I wrestle and struggle I do believe God is good all the time. Thankful for the grace to know and experience that first hand.

D

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Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Tradition!

1. Watched the first part of Fiddler on the Roof with the kids tonight. They enjoyed it. Glad they did or else I might be a little (a lot) sad.

2. Struggled today as Cally had yet another rough night. He's still running a fever but thankfully seems more settled tonight. I truly hope this is the case or there could be some serious loopiness tomorrow. He's such a sweet boy even when sick.

3. Boys were super motivated to do school today so they could get their hands on some Pokémon cards that someone sent us in the mail. Those boys are slightly obsessed. Wonder where they get that kind of thing from.

4. The story of Joseph continues. That dude sure grew to be faithful during all his trials. Beautiful story of redemption.

D
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Sunday, January 14, 2018

Slamming Doors

1. My sweet Callamazoo started running a fever last night. Mysterious funk officially solved! It's a virus. It seems too odd to be the flu but I know the lesser strain doesn't necessarily come with fever. I'd actually be overjoyed if it was indeed the flu. How do you catch a virus when you have gone nowhere? I simply have no idea. Up lots with a sad baby and lots of cuddling today. Not upset about that.

2. Today at my sink altar I had time to sort through all the emotional bleh in my head. It's my favorite friend, grief. There's been a lot of loss and a lot of fall out that my babies have had to endure. And now having to move as part of it all feels like the crappy cherry on top. It's one thing to move and get the land we've been dreaming about. It's another thing to have to move due to the loss of the this season. Yet another loss and it's painful. Experiencing it as my baby is grieving is all the more difficult. We just didn't have a safety net having been in "ministry" our entire marriage and starting up something new where there is a learning curve and need to build up clients has caused too much of a deficit. I am thankful that moving forward we are good and it will be great but trying to dig out of the hole will prove to be too much. So a fresh start again. It will be okay and hopefully this will be the last of it. I'm thankful again that we can think again. The thick cloud of trauma indeed had us enveloped. It's lifting and there is hope. I know there's hope for my babies too. He has them in His hand and we'll walk with them through their wounds as well. I'm thankful He has protected a lot of them. Too young to understand or have eyes to see all that was going on. But they have had zombie parents too which I'm sad about. But all will be well. Dawn will break forth from the darkness. It already has.

When Community was lost the Lord provided others who also have been very well acquainted with grief themselves and there own wrestling with the church and the Lord.

When feeling the physical hardship of miscarriage right in the midst of everything the Lord blessed us with Noah. He has lived up to his name and has been such a comfort. Although we miss the baby we lost we know in heaven we I'll have both Noah and him or her. And I can't leave out the blessing of sweet Callen. Poor buddy is sick today.

The Lord has provided us with a soft place to land with built in community at church where the sermons has poured into a weary heart. Grace. Abundant grace. I don't have to earn it or perform for it. It truly is a gift given with love I can't possibly fathom. It's still so hard to go. I want to avoid the anxiety and fear that grips hold of my heart every time I drop off my babies. I hate having to force myself to not guard my heart and be cynical. But He's there and He's providing in the painful places.

And this house. Although I want it to provide for the future to help fund the grow old in house it has been provision for the years of the locusts. And the work thing is worked out and I'm thankful for the favor my husband has been given in so short of a time. It will be okay and the list of things that we need and even the things we just hope and dream for will be taken care of in His time. I am choosing to not go down the road of what ifs and I'm choosing to run towards faith and take hold of what He promises. I will not give way to anger and harbor it in my heart. Sometimes I may slam doors bc there is righteous anger involved but I choose to lay it at the foot of the cross. The same grace that clothes and covers me, covers all those who believe. So Maybe, just Maybe I will allow those tears to finally fall and at the end I will wipe my face and walk with the confidence that He will never leave nor fore sake us.

Oh the beautiful grace that can lead us from slamming doors to wholeheartedly being able to exclaim that it is well with my soul.

D

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The Fairs In October

1. Lots of emotional churn today. I really resonate with Jacob and his wrestling with the Lord. I feel pretty upside down on what I believe right now. Matthew 3 and the temptation of Jesus just confirmed some of my struggle as of late. Satan uses scripture to screw things up. He just twists it and messes it up. So I'm in the process of trying to evaluate the things I believe to be true. Are they really true or are they slightly twisted. To make matters more awesome worldly wisdom can easily sneak in. So hissy combined with wrestling out whether I believe His promises are true or if what I think are promises are even promises. I think tonight after texting with my hubs that I'm not carry these stupid burdens that won't matter in heaven on my back. I'm going to choose to walk by faith even though to be honest it feels like walking on a tight rope. But can I have faith if it's easy. Gotta put it into practice I suppose.

2. Had a moment of envy this afternoon. Generally I'm pretty content with what we have. I think it's because what we have in abundance is eternal and I'm so very thankful. I do have van lust and a friend suggested I should have land lust. Today I wrapped myself up in fantasy where I could be foot loose and fancy free and go see Fiddler on the Roof and other musicals with my hubs. Fiddler mainly because I'm obsessed. I was convinced I wanted to become a Messianic Jew but was informed I couldn't and shouldn't that Orthodox is the way to go. I suppose since I don't know enough about the differences I should just remain a regular ole gentile. It was good to see that my envy was actually part of wanting fantasy and an escape from our current circumstances. What I really probably need instead of theatre tickets is a really good and ugly cry.

3. Although there has been a lot of wresting lately with the Lord I do feel His presence again. I'm thankful for that. I read this the other day and I realized it wasn't the Lord that withdrew, I did.

"Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
‭‭James‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬


In His graciousness and His faithful loving kindness He let me withdraw. I needed time to roll my eyes and say whatever and He patiently waited. He is good. All the time He is good. Thankful He can handle this Raggamuffin Child.

4. Had a kid down for the count today. I don't know what viral fun we have up in this joint but kids have been taking turns with fatigue, lots of nausea and stomach pain, and dizziness. I don't know if it's the same funk we've had or something new. After watching my kiddo today it seems like some new virus among us. My kid who was down and out stopped eating last night and after a long nap this afternoon ate dinner and perked up a bit. He still has sick eyes though and not 100%. Who knows. Maybe it's the lighter strain of the flu. No fever though. It would be kinda awesome if it was the flu and we were over that already pretty painlessly.

5. My poor bigs has had so much anxiety with all the stomach woes. I hate that for her. Anxiety is a mean beast.

D

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