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DAY 566: MARK 8

2012-02-20T20:23:00.001-06:00

Lukey survived the coin drama on 2012. Everyone is incredibly exhausted especially the two dudes who stayed over night at the hospital. Not gonna lie today was a bit rough. So weird not having Luke around for most of the day. Incredibly sweet how everybody missed Lukey. Hearing Paul and Luke converse over the phone today melted my heart. These knuckleheads love each other and I'm so thankful for each of them.

Couldn't help but think about how incredibly hard it would be to loose a child. The silence of their absence and the void that would be left would be a constant reminder of the incredible loss. Selfishly I pray we would never have to endure that kind of hardship. It's a great reminder to embrace the day and not sweat the crazy things that they do.

Not sure how much longer this will be. Heavy eyelids and a painful throbbing ear.

MARK 8:
Great stuff in this chapter just can't keep my eyes open.

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. (Mark 8:34, 35 NIV84)

Hard call but oh so worth it!!

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DAY 565: PS 94

2012-02-19T23:38:00.000-06:00

Mailing it in today. One child at Medical City awaiting a coin extraction, one squeaking, and three others still up over excitement of brother swallowing coin.

Hubs and Luke staying in hospital overnight. Who knew all this drama could ensue over one quarter.

Ps 94:
Fave verse.
Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord,the man you teach from your law; (Psalm 94:12 NIV84)

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DAY 564: PS 93

2012-02-18T20:34:00.001-06:00

Basking in the oxytocin paradise today and feeling incredibly blessed. Fat and happy today on contentment and thankfulness.

PS 93:
Five simple verses. A sweet reminder of the majesty of our God. Blown away that we get to be face to face with God someday. Nothing in this life will compare to greatness of being one day in the great and mighty courts of our God.

However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"– (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV84)

Blows. My. Mind.

D
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DAY 563: MARK 7

2012-02-18T00:37:00.001-06:00

My sweet little one sounds like she's trying to cough up a hair ball so we'll see how this goes. Love this baby by the way. Operation Hospitality went well once again tonight. We went with old friends tonight who agreed to play a good ole game of canasta. Thankful for these sweet friends who were our first in Dallas. Loving Operation Hospitality so far!

MARK 7:
Bella wiggling and making this hard to write so this will be brief. Clean the inside first and then the outside will also be clean. Today I managed to jump into an FB debate about women's reproductive rights and religious freedom. Nice how it's called reproductive rights. I always get fired up about such debates. This passion often leads me to be angry at the people I debate with. Although hot and bothered I say my debating opponents in a new light and I was able to remain loving and not make it personal. It's okay to be angry about abortion but to be angry at the person I'm talking with gets me nowhere. As I was thinking about that and my recent discovery over how incredibly selfish and unloving I can be I realized that God is continuing to clean the inside of my cup. I haven't become more selfish over the past several months. I've been this selfish and even more so my entire life. I can't clean my cup if I don't even realize I'm dirty. Thankful for God loving me enough to hold up the mirror and show me.

Vs 24-30 is disturbing to me for a few reasons. Disturbed me in Matthew too. The thought of you g children possessed by demons makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Hate this! The banter between Jesus and the little girls daughter is disturbing to me too. I'm sure this is possibly a cultural barrier for me but the wording is bothersome.

I've got more but I'm out for tonight.

D
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DAY 562: MARK 6

2012-02-16T22:16:00.001-06:00

Lots of churn today. I keep trying to turn the thoughts tumbling around in my head into sentences that can be strung together. What my churn boils down to is a set of tasks for me to do so that I might be a better person. Rest more. Remain more. Rejoice more. Stop saying the word love and actual show it. Get up earlier. Prioritize time better. Juggle more. Exercise. Hop on one foot. Yada, yada, yada. Yes, there is a long list of things I should do. I really like the idea that there are things I can do to make me a better more perfect person. Jesus wants me to just come and be. Just be. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm a Martha who desperately wants to be a Mary.

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10 NIV84)

Be still. Everything within me screams do while God quietly whispers just be. It's in the doing that I feel worthy to be loved. Yet if there is something that must be done in order to receive then it isn't love in the first place. I don't know how to love because I still don't know how to receive love. I don't know how to receive love because I still feel unloveable. Although this wound is healing it's still their. That just about makes me want to cuss. Maybe. Just maybe we all believe to some degree.

It's the perfect, unstoppable, never changing, always pursuing love that makes me uncomfortable. He loves me like that and all I have to do is just be? I am so unworthy to be loved like that. The truth is I AM unworthy YET in His perfect love He not only calls me worthy, He calls me lovely and daughter as well. Teach me how to love like this oh God.

MARK 6:
There is just so much in these chapters. It's impossible to touch on all of it. When Jesus sends the disciples out to preach the gospel I'm always amazed at the instructions he gives.

These were his instructions: "Take nothing for the journey except a staff–no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. (Mark 6:8, 9 NIV84)

Jesus wanted them to trust God fully for their provision. I really love this. My family has experienced God's provision in crazy ways and we're heard story after story about God's provision from others. This is still so challenging though! To look beyond what I can see and not listen to worldly wisdom is so incredibly hard! I'm like the disciples who see the miracle of Jesus feeding the multitudes yet I get caught up on not taking bread for the journey.

Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. (Mark 6:51, 52 NIV84)

The disciples witnessed miracle after miracle yet their hearts were hardened. This is me. I see God show up in so many places. I hear stories that stop me in my tracks, make my hair stand on end and tears stream down my face. Yet, my heart remains hardened and I forget what God can do. I shove Him in a box and make Him small. I take it for granted and become fat on entitlement. My heart becomes hardened. May I embrace the hardships that come my way which humble and soften hearts.

The beginning of the story of the feeding of the five thousand caught me off guard. Jesus and his disciples were trying to get away to a quiet place to have a time of rest and solitude. The people saw them go off in a boat and met them where they were going. They were already tired and exhausted and the author writes again that they hadn't even gotten a chance to eat. This is Jesus response to the people:

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. (Mark 6:34 NIV84)

This was written for me. My minions follow me in my get away ship all the time and often I treat them like a distraction. Hate this! There's nothing that I'm doing, quiet time included, that is so important not to have compassion on my children. God help me to have patience and endurance to love the ones you've blessed me with whole heartedly.

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DAY 561: MARK 5

2012-02-15T21:14:00.001-06:00

What can I say about today? Set an alarm but still couldn't get my booty out of bed. Got up with my earliest riser and just as anticipated my sweet little bit woke up too. Felt very accomplished at bible study today since we had a dr appt before hand. Pride comes before a big fall. As soon as I sat down to drive home I ran head first into a wall. Bella's last several nights of restlessness have finally caught up with me. I could have have cried this afternoon. Speaking of crying I made my sweet girl cry this morning because of my foolish loose lips. Abbie is very stealthy at removing my necklaces. I have told her before not to take them off since she's broken a necklace before. (I'm so fancy!) It's obvious where this is going. Took my necklace off and broke it. In frustration I sarcastically said thanks for breaking my necklace. Waterworks ensued. The child needed a gentle correction not a frustrated sarcastic remark.

I feel like I'm a broken record lately. I'm sorry for being a jerkface will you forgive me? My poor sweet husband has been sick and instead of using this as an opportunity to love and serve him I've been snappy and mean. I'm being squeezed right now and it's ugly. I hate what's coming out, but it's a beautiful process of death. Bring on the death! I wanna grow to be more like Jesus!!

On yet another note if you see me tell me to shut up!! I talk too much. Too much at my kids and just too much. Want my words to be fewer and my ears to grow bigger. This will be hard.

MARK 5:
This chapter is crazy! Jesus casts out Legion, the bleeding woman is healed and Jairius's daughter is raised from the dead. I could write for days on this.

The whole demon possession thing is pretty creepy. Seems like there was a lot of it back in the day which makes me think there's a lot more around today than we think. Can you imagine seeing the crazy cemetery as a same man or better yet watching his exorcism and the destruction of the pigs. Just another reminder that Satan and his homies are truly out to kill, steal and destroy. Hate that so many people have bought into his lies!!! It's the subtle ones that are the hardest to avoid.

Favorite verse of the chapter:
He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." (Mark 5:34 NIV84)

The bleeding woman was scared when Jesus asked who touched him. Jesus was God, He knew who touched Him yet he never missed an opportunity to engage. She was brave and told Jesus she had touched him and his response is so incredibly loving. Be freed from your suffering. Love this!

Love the story of Jairius's daughter. This verse is pretty stinking sweet too:

Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe." (Mark 5:36 NIV84)

Ignore what the world says!! Don't let your circumstances cause fear, just believe. Love it!!

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DAY 560: MARK 4

2012-02-14T22:27:00.000-06:00

Demon cold still lingering and is making a move down south. At least my throat isn't sore anymore. Bella is still pretty miserable, looks like Joshua has an ear infection and Les is laid up. Good times over here! Not sure how much better I could have made today for my family and friends but I feel like I missed out on many opportunities today. Lack of planning bites me in the bottom again. Nobody is going to die but darn I missed out on opportunity to love on my husband and my kids better. Maybe one day when I'm not so dead tired by the end of the day.

Today at the grocery store a lady complimented the kids on being so well behaved. She missed some of the prior shenanigans but it was a good lesson on perspective. She was a Mee Maw and has probably seen it all. The kids did look pretty cute holding hands together. I'm sure she missed the fact that they were ramming each other into things. On another note things were a whole lot easier with out the smallest boy. It's always easier with one less than I'm used to.

Overall today I was once again reminded that I'm incredibly selfish, lack follow through and need to work on planning better. Realizing this used to make me feel horrible about myself but on this day of Love I'm reminded that despite my sinfulness and shortcomings I am so incredibly loved! For that I am thankful!!!

Going to be another long night. Bella having trouble breathing. Poor kid!

MARK 4:
Can't really focus tonight. Frazzled and kicking myself for not taking Bella to doc right about now. Glad she's going tomorrow! Another long night. So thankful to have sweet babies to be up with.

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DAY 559: MARK 3

2012-02-13T20:27:00.000-06:00

Just kinda survived today. Not sure 900 cups of coffee would have done the trick today. Will be super fired up once Demon Cold 2012 is officially gone forever.

MARK 3:
Couple verses really stood out to me tonight. Jesus is in the synagogue on the sabbath and a man with a shriveled man comes in. The Pharisees constantly watch Jesus so they can find a way to accuse him of wrong. Jesus speaks words right into their religiosity and heals the man with the lame hand. The pharisees are unable to argue when Jesus slings the sword of truth at them yet they would still rather cling to their man made god of religion. I really like this verse in this section.

He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. (Mark 3:5 NIV84)

Jesus was angry that the Pharisees false religion was leading people astray and yet He longed for them to repent. Such righteous anger restrained and crazy wonderful love.

The crowds were constantly around Jesus and his disciples and often the days were long and they would be so busy they couldn't even eat.

Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. (Mark 3:20 NIV84)

The days can be so long sometimes and the daily doldrums can wear me down. Often I am frustrated at having to abandon my plans over and over again. There has been several occasions when I've just wanted to be able to sit down an eat but a sweet fussy baby has not made it easy. Jesus was exhausted yet He continued to run the race day in and day out. This spurs me on to remember these days are not about my comfort and ease and I am not alone on the journey. So very thankful for that!

When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, "He is out of his mind." (Mark 3:21 NIV84)

I can't imagine how painful it was for Jesus for his own family to say he was out of his mind. I hate that Jesus experienced this but comforted knowing that He understands. We truly follow Christ and live life according to His words people will say that we are fanatic Christians or weak minded or whatever. Jesus never argued. He knew the truth and He was humble enough to let their words go. I pray that I too will learn meekness, gentleness and humility. When you are right their is no need to argue much.

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DAY 558: PS 92

2012-02-12T21:50:00.001-06:00

Thankful for a nap today. I caught the snot rocket virus going around BrownTown. Not suffering as bad as the kiddos but sleep is not great with a poor miserable baby. Overall it's been a pretty lazy day. Hard to have Les run off to work tonight. Got spoiled last weekend!

PS 92:
My head is too clogged to really think and a baby is wiggling but I do love the imagery in this Psalm. The Psalmist explains what happens to the wicked and the righteous.

This verse really struck me.

They will still bear fruit in old age,
they will stay fresh and green, (Psalm 92:14 NIV84)

Back in the day one of the things I feared most was growing so old that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. Now I look forward to growing old and getting a chance to see the fruit of my labor and hopefully a beautiful legacy. I think of Judy Wimberly when I read this verse. She is older but because of the relationship she has with God she continues to bear sweeter and sweeter fruit throughout the years. My hope is to one day be a Judy and continue to bear fruit in my old age.

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DAY 557: 2 TIM 4

2012-02-11T21:05:00.001-06:00

My joints ache and I've got snot pouring down my face but I'm so very thankful. Last night I discovered I had more in common with one of our guests than I had thought. It still blows my mind when I think about it. Anyway, a short trip down memory lane has left me so incredibly thankful. So many women with my background have walked away with less than stellar husbands. Yet God in his goodness saved me from that kind of pain and hand picked the most incredible man for me to marry. I often take the gift that he is for granted and I most definitely fail daily at loving him the way he deserves. I pray that God would continue to grow me so that I might be a wife that blesses my incredible husband and helps him to be the man God created him to be. As a wife I really do have a unique opportunity to bless Les in a way nobody else can. May I not miss that incredible opportunity by looking for ways that I could be better served.

2 TIM 4:
Great chapter. It makes me want to kick butt and take names. Paul generally has that kind of affect on me anyway.

Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage–with great patience and careful instruction. (2 Timothy 4:2 NIV84)

Really like this verse and made me think specifically about parenting. Correct, rebuke AND encourage with GREAT PATIENCE and careful instruction. I would be a killer parent if I did this all the time. I need to work on the great patience piece. I love the thought of really thinking through and being intentional with careful instruction. I don't want to instruct my sweet brownies haphazardly or selfishly for that matter. I want to impart them with wisdom on how to be godly men and women. (love that I now get to say women!)

Well, my handsome husband has arrived and it is time for our in home date to begin so I must end here.

D
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DAY 556: MARK 2

2012-02-11T20:41:00.001-06:00

Wrote this yesterday but for whatever reason it looks like it wasn't sent to anybody. If you are getting this again, sorry.

Subject: DAY 556: MARK 2

Tonight officially started Operation Hospitality. Been inspired by Kay Wyma's talk on hospitality and a goal this year as a family is to have people over more often. The couple we had over was fun and dinner was super easy and besides the chaos of the playroom our house is clean! It feels good to break out of the "busyness" and enjoy flexing the hospitality muscle. Really hoping this begins to extend more into our neighborhood again as well.

MARK 2:
Jesus heals the paralytic. I love this story, always have.

So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. (Mark 2:2 NIV84)

I love the images this verses brings to my mind. The idea of people so excited, desperate even, to hear Jesus speak. I love that somebody was willing to let all these people into their house! I want my heart to grow enough so that I am more willing to extend this kind of hospitality. It may not be perfect. I may forget to pass out forks, our floors may be dirty and you just might have to sit on a stained couch but I want to be more willing.

Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. (Mark 2:4 NIV84)

Who am i willing to tear open a roof for? This seems silly but it's a great question. Who do I love enough to be willing to be inconvenienced by? I hate that these questions point to my selfishness and to how walled my heart has been. Thankfully God has slowly been chipping away at walls and now is attacking my selfishness. I am the paralyzed man. My sins of comfort, selfishness, fear, ect have crippled me from living the abundant life God desires me to live. He is so good to forgive, to heal and to restore.

I love this story but in all honesty the thought of these men ripping open the roof is not only inspiring to me but it also makes me a bit uncomfortable. The thought of the mess and the damage caused is not pleasant. Life can be messy though and sometimes things must be torn apart in order for real healing to begin. I bet the patch in the roof was a beautiful reminder to the owners of the time Jesus was there.

Verse 13-17 are so wonderful to me. Jesus calls a tax collector named Levi to follow. There's no hesitation from Levi, he just follows. He doesn't go and set his affairs in order, clean up his act or his house for that matter, he just goes. It's really this simple. Really. Jesus just wants us to come. I don't have to come with my super mom cape on, or a cuss free mouth or whatever I try so hard to be. I can just come, just as I am.

When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the "sinners" and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: "Why does he eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:16, 17 NIV84)

Oh God please teach me how to love like you do. It really is simple yet in my selfishness I make it so very difficult.

D

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DAY 556: MARK 2

2012-02-10T23:24:00.000-06:00

Tonight officially started Operation Hospitality. Been inspired by Kay Wyma's talk on hospitality and a goal this year as a family is to have people over more often. The couple we had over was fun and dinner was super easy and besides the chaos of the playroom our house is clean! It feels good to break out of the "busyness" and enjoy flexing the hospitality muscle. Really hoping this begins to extend more into our neighborhood again as well.

MARK 2:
Jesus heals the paralytic. I love this story, always have.

So many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. (Mark 2:2 NIV84)

I love the images this verses brings to my mind. The idea of people so excited, desperate even, to hear Jesus speak. I love that somebody was willing to let all these people into their house! I want my heart to grow enough so that I am more willing to extend this kind of hospitality. It may not be perfect. I may forget to pass out forks, our floors may be dirty and you just might have to sit on a stained couch but I want to be more willing.

Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. (Mark 2:4 NIV84)

Who am i willing to tear open a roof for? This seems silly but it's a great question. Who do I love enough to be willing to be inconvenienced by? I hate that these questions point to my selfishness and to how walled my heart has been. Thankfully God has slowly been chipping away at walls and now is attacking my selfishness. I am the paralyzed man. My sins of comfort, selfishness, fear, ect have crippled me from living the abundant life God desires me to live. He is so good to forgive, to heal and to restore.

I love this story but in all honesty the thought of these men ripping open the roof is not only inspiring to me but it also makes me a bit uncomfortable. The thought of the mess and the damage caused is not pleasant. Life can be messy though and sometimes things must be torn apart in order for real healing to begin. I bet the patch in the roof was a beautiful reminder to the owners of the time Jesus was there.

Verse 13-17 are so wonderful to me. Jesus calls a tax collector named Levi to follow. There's no hesitation from Levi, he just follows. He doesn't go and set his affairs in order, clean up his act or his house for that matter, he just goes. It's really this simple. Really. Jesus just wants us to come. I don't have to come with my super mom cape on, or a cuss free mouth or whatever I try so hard to be. I can just come, just as I am.

When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the "sinners" and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: "Why does he eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:16, 17 NIV84)

Oh God please teach me how to love like you do. It really is simple yet in my selfishness I make it so very difficult.

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DAY 565: MARK 1

2012-02-09T20:47:00.001-06:00

Took a sort trip to South Dallas today and I once again got the itch. The itch to bust out of my comfort zone and be apart of something bigger than myself. The itch to be on an adventure. Then I wake up and realize I am on an adventure. It's not glamorous and most of the stories consist of wiping noses and bottoms and a bathroom that constantly smells of urine. It's an adventure none the less. I can sit on the sidelines longing for something else or embrace the mission God has me on right here and now in my home and in my neighborhood.

The first chapter of Mark starts off with words from the prophet Isaiah. He spoke of one preparing a path for the Christ. Then we are introduced to John the Baptist. John played such an incredible role in this story. The beauty of this for me today is that it's doubtful John realized the importance of his role. He was just willing to be faithful even to his death. I often lack this quality.

-----------------

This might be a strange way to jump back in but love this from commentary today.

a. Immediately the Spirit drove Him into the wilderness: The Holy Spirit came upon Jesus in a dramatic way at His baptism. The work of the Spirit in Jesus was to lead Him - rather, to drive Him, and the Spirit drove Him into the wilderness. It wasn't an easy thing, or a comfortable thing for Jesus to be in the wilderness, but it was a good thing, because the Spirit only does good things.

Jesus wasn't motivated by ease and comfort. I often seek out comfort and ease yet am learning more and more that the best things in life are difficult.

This is where I need to stop today. So much wonderful stuff packed into one chapter! Bella caught a cold and poor girl is miserable. Hard to concentrate with a snorting baby in your lap.

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DAY 564: MATT 28

2012-02-08T20:58:00.001-06:00

Fridge is full thanks to sweet friends. We're inching slowly towards getting our feet under us but feeding this crew is always the most challenging. In order to cook plAnning, shopping and executing must be done. Getting the three to align is difficult. Beyond thankful for sweet and thoughtful friends!

Read an article today that got me fired up. Eric Metaxas spoke before Obama at the National Prayer Breakfast which took the wind out of his so called Christian sails. Metaxas has been inspired by the life of William Wilberforce and now is leading an inspiring life. Yet again I can't help but wonder why I'm not more bold. I encounter people on a weekly basis that I could share the gospel with yet I don't. Why? I fear being bold with people I don't have a relationship with because I don't want to seem like a nut job Christian. That is so incredibly sad to me. Every meeting is a divine appointment and miss out on the opportunity to tell others about Christ.

MATT 28:
Tonight's chapter is so much easier to read than last night. It's really hard to want to face the reality of what Jesus did for my sins. Love came down for us, to save us and we treated him like a criminal.

The heartlessness of the Pharisees is so spelled out in these chapters. Judas comes to them in remorse over what he's done and they could care less. They are all about the rules and yet their hearts are hollow. When Jesus is resurrected and the guards tell what happened, instead of repenting and choosing truth, they pay off the guards to lie. Truth keeps smacking them in the face but they would rather continue to worship themselves than cling to it.

Oh so tired so stopping here. Beautiful beautiful chapter.

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DAY 563: MATT 27

2012-02-07T22:17:00.001-06:00

fun and crazy day. this will be super short as I'm on a computer typing one handed on a keyboard with keys that stick with a sweet baby girl in my lap. great family day riding the m-line trolley and hitting up second tuesday at the dma. les took the day off and it felt like we were on vacation. we haven't played like this as a family in awhile and it filled up my tank. while we were there my phone got stolen. however, it has been recovered and will be in my possession once again tomorrow. please pray that God would use this story that is unfolding in mighty ways and He would be glorified. bella squirming and back screaming from being hunched over. hoping tomorrow there will be an incredible post.

DAY 562: MATT 26

2012-02-06T21:21:00.001-06:00

Words a cherished friend of mine wrote the other day have stuck with me. She is learning to give generously of herself through time, energy and every resource she possesses. It's interesting that her journey to give comes at a time God has been showing me how selfish I am. Hoping to join this friend in a year of giving. Still not sure what that looks like but ready to get off my self focused self and learn how to be thoughtful and giving to others.

MATT 26:
VERY distracted tonight. This chapter is hard to read. I love the story of the woman anointing Jesus. That is a woman who has received the wonderful grace of Christ. She gets that this following verse is meant for her, not Jesus. This is meant for all of us. It's only by the sacrifice and greatest love story ever told that sets us free from our death sentence.

What do you think?"
"He is worthy of death," they answered. (Matthew 26:66 NIV84)

And then there is Peter. He's so sure he is willing to die with Christ.

But Peter declared, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you." And all the other disciples said the same. (Matthew 26:35 NIV84)

But this is how the story really goes:
Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: "Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times." And he went outside and wept bitterly. (Matthew 26:75 NIV84)

Here's the interesting thing about all of this.
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31, 32 NIV84)

These verses are awesome and freaky all at the same time. I love the thought of Jesus praying for me. It completely blows my mind though. He died for me of course He would pray for me too. Still struggle with the idea of being His Beloved. If only I could truly get this, so much would change.

Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. Love that Satan has to ask and God has to allow. This is also hard. Hard that God would allow the most horrendous of situations to happen. Yet, by allowing it, all circumstances that happen are meant to draw us somehow to Him. The other thing is that I can't grow complacent in this fight. Satan is actively looking to bring me down. He's looking for weakness and vulnerability. I must daily be on guard. The only way to truly fight is by putting on the whole armor.

The other thing that always strikes me in this chapter is Jesus meekness through out all of this. Just even the term meek makes me think of the word weak. Yet there is such strength that is possessed in this quality. Jesus knows who He is and He doesn't need to fight for others to know who He truly is. That's how it should be for us too. We shouldn't have to fight for people to really know us, value us, treat us right, ect. We should be meek and mild knowing that it doesn't matter what others think about us or do to us because we are sons and daughters of the Great King.

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Re: DAY 561: 2 TIMOTHY 3

2012-02-05T23:32:00.001-06:00

Selfish this morning. Just wanted to be the human pacifier and zone out. It gets even better. Frustrated at the kids this morning for not letting me watch the streamed service. I obviously decided to take a sabbath from loving instead of taking sabbath so that I might love even greater. It is funny how appalled I can be at my children for not loving or thinking about their siblings when I so often put myself before everybody else. Really been hating this mirror that has been shoved in front of my face but I'm thankful! Thankful that God loves me enough to hold up that mirror so that through Him I might change.

Busy week this week. I should probably take something off my plate but really wanting to get more plugged in with the homeschool community going on at WM and everything else seems necessary. Les wants me to rethink it and honestly in my flesh I don't want to. However, my flesh gets me no where so I'm going to pray about it and see what God has to say about it. The person who will end up getting the short end of the stick in my disobedience is Les. That not only dishonors Les but God as well. So here we go on my journey to learn how to be better at submitting. It's a slow and painful death.

2 TIM 3:
Lots in this chapter but really it speaks incredibly well for itself. There is an interesting section about weak minded women. It's worded kinda weird so I need to jump on some commentary. In the past I would have been angry just by seeing the words weak minded woman. I know Paul's heart is for woman not against so it is easier now not to get all up in arms. That might even make Paul's point perfectly. Woman are much more emotional and tend to rely on how they feel verses actual truth. Our feelings are always valid but not always grounded in truth.

This verse right here is just plain lovely.

In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, (2 Timothy 3:12 NIV84)

This paints a different picture than the health, wealth and prosperity gospel. EVERYONE who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be PERSECUTED. This life with Christ is no bowl of cherries. Not only do you have to die to self which is awesome you also get to face persecution. This verse pops in my head when I think about this.

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. (Romans 6:4 NIV84)

We get to be buried with him but we also get to share in the glory of Christ. For those of us who can push through the dying of self and persecution business the rewards are so worth it. Knowing Christ is so worth it!!

I'll end on this beaut.

All Scripture is God‑breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16, 17 NIV84)

I mess up daily on a lot of stuff but so thankful to be on this journey in the Word. I've got a lot of learning to do but little by little I'm training so that I might be equipped for every good work.

D
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DAY 561: 2 TIMOTHY 3

2012-02-05T23:07:00.001-06:00

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DAY 559: MATT 24

2012-02-03T21:56:00.001-06:00

Today was for the birds. My mind decided to take a trip to crazyville. What is it about just having a baby that makes the mind an easy target? Speaking of mind I'm so fired up about this whole SGK business. What is it about Planned Parenthood, it has the whole darn country under its spell!

MATT 24:
I want to be able to focus on this but I can't seem to do it. There is some pretty crazy stuff in this chapter. It's really disheartening and sad.

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. (Matthew 24:12, 13 NIV84)

The love of most will grow cold. This is so incredibly sad to me. I don't want love to grow cold but in the light of my selfishness it does. This spurs me on to press onward on the journey to die to self. I would hate to be one to contribute to this problem.

"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. (Matthew 24:9 NIV84)

I was thinking about this the other day. Am I ready and willing to die for Christ? I would like to think that I am but I'm not positive. If I could be guaranteed a quick and painless death I'm in! Throw in the thought of pain and my resolve quickly fades. God please grow me to be a woman who would gladly suffer a painful death for your sake.

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DAY 558: MATT 23

2012-02-02T15:35:00.001-06:00

I'm once again going to start this knowing very well that not only is it possible to be interrupted, there's a good chance I two sleeping babies could be woken up as well. I pray even now that I choose love instead of self or circumstance should that wonderful interruption occur. Even now my heart is heavy as I've already messed this up. He wanted me to fix his googles and I dismissed him because he woke up his just barely asleep brother. I got to see the outcome while I chased a newly awoken boy into the living room. The dismissed boy with long sad face trying to fix his googles. Would the outcome have been different if that little boy was dying? The truth is he is dying, we all are. Everyday we march one day closer to death. It's sounds morbid but it's the truth. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow so why do I continually live as if I'm promised a multitude of tomorrows? Just because the days are hard is no excuse not to fully embrace love. I'm tired, I feel like I've been kicked in the face and I've got a sweet sick little baby to try and console. It's hard and I feel like I'm running around in circles with no real results. I can continue to slug it out and make this day go by as quickly as possible or I can stop and use it to sharpen me. I can use each and every moment as an opportunity to die to self and embrace love. I am loved extravagantly by the creator of the universe. This should not be so difficult and yet everyday I forget to lean in and to remain so that I too might love like He does.

MATT 23:
Woo to the Pharisees! I wish that was all this chapter was really about. Instead it's a wake up call. Woo to me if I don't surround myself with community and allow the Word of God to sharpen me. Everyday I walk the thin line of being a Pharisee. Even this journey of being in the Word daily can turn into something ugly and become an idol. Just like Christ has the ability to make everything beautiful, Satan equally wants to come in and make everything that appears to be beautiful, twisted and distorted.

So you must obey them and do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. (Matthew 23:3, 4 NIV84)

I pray this is not what I do with my children. I keep thinking about something I heard a woman say at Building Blocks. Her mom did everything for her and her siblings but she always felt like a burden. How awful to teach my children to love with my words and fail to truly love them myself. My view of love is still distorted. I like the warm and fuzzy definition of love. I don't like the sacrifice and enduring all things version of love. Love is patient. Love is kind. It's easy to be these things when everything is going perfect. It's hard when my husband is grumpy and I'm grumpy and the kids are ripping apart the house hinge by hinge and they are completely disobedient. Love is patient. Love is kind. Oh Pharisees you had the rules down but you forgot to love. Lord help me not to become like them and not for my sake but for your glory.

The greatest among you will be your servant. For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted. (Matthew 23:11, 12 NIV84)

I'm really bad at serving others. I'd like to think its because I lack the spiritual gift of helps but it's because I'm selfish. I have been given the worldly gift of self absorption and pride. I hate this. May this drive me to rejoice when I'm given the opportunity to serve. May I serve my husband, children, friends, neighbors and enemies with much joy knowing that it's teaching me to be humble and less self seeking.

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. (Matthew 23:37 NIV84)

This just makes my heart ache. God give me eyes to see and a heart to love those that do not know you! May I seize each and every opportunity that's presented to proclaim the gospel.

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DAY 557: MATT 22

2012-02-01T22:55:00.001-06:00

Bible study was great today. You could have stuck a fork in me because I was done at 9am and was so grateful to be able to drop off my brownies for awhile. Also got a chance to be loved on by a cherished friend. Still not easy for me to receive. I can't remember what Lucina said today that resonated with me but it woke me up. Then as soon as I got home I wanted to slip right back into selfish mode. The screaming and wailing of horror from the Brownies because of the Turtle movie woke me up again. I was hoping to do this during the movie but I'm slowly and painfully learning it's not about me.

Per usual I'm exhausted but thankful for a pretty darn good day! I think slowly but surely we are starting to get our legs back under us.

MATT 22:
I don't have much today, tired and nursing baby. I think bullet points might just be as good as it gets.

When they heard this, they were amazed. So they left him and went away. (Matthew 22:22 NIV84)

This verse is about Pharisees after they have tried to trick Jesus and He busts out his Jesusness. They are amazed by Jesus yet they are too darn prideful to repent. They would rather keep their awful religion than turn from their sin and follow this awesome man! It's no coincidence that this section follows the parable of the wedding feast. God is extending this amazing invitation to them but they refuse to accept it.

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DAY 556: 2 TIM 2

2012-01-31T22:26:00.001-06:00

Full day. Took the girls to La Madeline today for a change of pace for school. It was good. Abbie felt special and big since I let her drink the fabulous nectar of Dr. Pepper. No whining or complaining about school work either, weird. Since we only got drinks it was a super cheap working date.

Took the kids to the library for a craft/game night. Kids had fun and it was a great cultural experience.

Don't think I'm going to keep my eye lids open. I'd go sit in a brightly lit room but I don't think little bit would be too happy. Poor girl is hoarse from all her crying today.

Adjusting to not having as much freedom or having any alone time that comes with having an itty bitty. Its not awful just an adjustment. I remember not too long ago when I was bitter at how much more having a baby had changed my life compared to

I hate doing this but I can't keep my eyes open and I want to seize this opportunity. Some really heavy hitting verses in this chapter.

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DAY 555: MATT 21

2012-01-30T21:48:00.001-06:00

On the couch with 2.5 sleeping Brownies. I've been blessed with a pretty sweet life. Yesterday I drove behind our Brownie Mobile and it hit me that we have five kids. Five kids!! That's crazy! Wonderfully crazy amazing! I never would have planned such things but I'm so beyond thankful that God did. I love how the beautiful chaos drives me towards Him.

Started working more with Paul a little today doing phonics and reading. This really helped Abbie and her attitude about having to do school work. Paul's chomping at the bit to start and Abbie would rather play with her brothers than do school work. (Love that they enjoy each other so much!) Having Paul start on reading lessons is going to be really good. There was already some healthy competition going on and they were both really spurring each other on.

MATT 21:
The hearts of the Pharisees are really exposed in this chapter. In the temple merchants are set up in the courtyard making crazy money selling the official "sacrifice" worthy animals. The priests have no concern over that but are burnt up with jealousy because Jesus is healing people and calling him the Son of David. They have no concern with the truth but rather desire whatever will benefit them the most.

Jesus tells two parables that paint a grim picture for the Pharisees. They understand the parables are about them but it only fuels their instead. They miss an opportunity to repent and they are just not interested with such things.

Oy! Was going to launch into my Pharisee speech but sweet baby girl gave a nice speech about it and she said it much better than I could. This is definitely something I need to guard against, a pharisaical heart. Righteousness can never be earned based on my own merit. Religion is such an evil.

D
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DAY 554: PS 91

2012-01-29T22:39:00.000-06:00

Going to try to focus but I've got a sweet squirming Brownie feeding right now. Oh how I messed up this morning. I was so tired this morning and it was no simple feat to get out the door this morning. The chaos of it all reinforced why the evening service is where it's out for our family. While singing this morning it hit me that I was the reason it was so chaotic. If only I had gotten up before the kids or at least risen and had a good attitude when the first Brownie started hopping around. Instead of putting them first I chose myself and my own desires. The verse "remain in me" resounded in my head during worship.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5 NIV84)

He beckons us to remain in His love. It's so simple yet so easy to forget. Church in the morning is much fancier than in the evening. I was feeling insecure which I've felt a whole lot more lately thanks to my post partum fluff. Thankful this morning I was able to remember that this morning had nothing to do about me. If He loves me, then nothing else really matters much.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust." (Psalm 91:1, 2 NIV84)

Reading these verses I go back to His love. He who dwells in His shelter, He who dwells in His love. It's in this shelter that we can endure all the crazy storms that life can fling at us. It's in this shelter that we stop looking at the circumstances surrounding us and find hope.

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DAY 553: PSALMS 90

2012-01-28T21:07:00.001-06:00

This wasn't a fun filled magical weekend but we sold the Volvo and a doctors visit confirmed that Bella has reflux. I'm going to top it off with a whole lot of crazy and go to the 11am service tomorrow. Surely attendance will be down with 500 plus Women gone right? We shall see.

I won't lie I really don't want to do this. I'm like my daughter who is never excited to do a reading lesson because she has to really use her brain. I'm tired and I'll be nursing a sweet little baby for the next four hours and I just want to zone out and watch mindless tv and enjoy the silence. But that won't fill me up. Moses, the author of this Psalm
knew what was truly satisfying.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14 NIV84)

I really want to come to a place where I find total and complete satisfaction in Christ. Its doubtful that I would be able to achieve this lofty goal outside of heaven. If we truly found all of our satisfaction in Christ we would never turn aside to other things, including self. The human race is so fragile in so many ways.

The very first verse of this Psalm really caught my eye.

Lord, you have been our dwelling place
throughout all generations. (Psalm 90:1 NIV84)

What does that even mean to be somebody's dwelling place? I'm not exactly sure what Moses meant here but I love the imagery it produces in my head. The thought of being so intimately intwined with Christ that He truly does become a dwelling place, a stronghold and fortress. Forget about a man cave, how awesome would it be to curl on up in a God cave? I want God to be my dwelling place, I want this to be the place I turn to before zombie tv, chocolate, Internet or whatever.

This psalm ends with a beaut as well.

May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us;
establish the work of our hands for us—
yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:17 NIV84)

Establish the work of our hands for us. Again I'm not sure what Moses meant by this but to me it means a lot. God establish my day, may the work of my hands be what you establish for the day , not what I have on the agenda. Our days and nights are filled with such busyness. I can hear the desperation for rest it can cause in the voices of so many. What have I established that God never intended for my hands? Establish the work of my hands Lord and may you strip away the busyness that I've established myself.

D
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DAY 552: MATT 20

2012-01-27T23:06:00.000-06:00

We had three extra kids in our house this morning and yet we only have three baskets of laundry to fold instead of an entire couch full thanks to the help of a beautiful laundry superhero, and a semi orderly house. Yes! This is a sweet blessing today but is not a guarantee for tomorrow nor should it be how I determine a days success.

MATT 20:
Today I don't like the Parable of the workers in the vineyard. In fact, I dislike it a lot. Adding sweet Bella has rocked my status quo and the result of the added squeeze has been a whole load of fleshly goo. Have I mentioned before that this is one of the things I love about kids and this crazy crew of mine? Lots of stank is rising to the surface and Jesus is beckoning me to walk with Him as He removes the smell of decay. It's a painful and ugly process but beauty is a result.

Short version of the parable, a dude hires workers at different times through out the day, from morning till just before dusk. The owner of the field pays all the workers the same amount of money. It makes no difference if they had worked all day or if they had only worked an hour. The workers who arrived the latest were paid first. When the workers who showed up first saw what they got pain they were excited since they thought they would get paid even more. Well, they thought wrong and were upset.

This parable stings because I'm the one who likes to shout about things that are unfair. What's worse is that I'm not even the worker who showed up first thing. I'm the worker who only worked two hours yet I'm upset that the peeps who only worked 1 got paid the same. This my friends is ugly. I don't want to see this in myself yet the alternative is to go on the same living blind and frankly that's a whole lot worse.

This unfair disease is caused by a heart that is self focused and lacks a heart of gratitude. Nothing that I have is truly mine including my husband and my kids. Everything I have and I own is a beautiful blessing from a good and loving Father. If I want to start whining about unfair, it's unfair that a sinless Jesus paid for my sin. I almost wrote the word had into that sentence but Jesus didn't have to die for my sin, He chose to die. I could go on and on about what's unfair. I need to forget about trying to figure out what's fair and be concern about what's just. Frankly I think God has little concern over what's unfair but He cares a lot about things that are unjust. That's the same kind of things I need to get hot and bothered about, not about things that are unfair.

God please help break me out of my selfish self centered world. I want to care about what you care about not about getting what I think I deserve. God I deserved death yet you loved me enough to give me eternal life. Help me to love like you do. Teach me how to be humble, gentle and meek so that I too may learn how to be a servant like you.

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DAY 551: MATT 19

2012-01-26T21:37:00.001-06:00

Once again I am at a loss of words of how to begin. This morning a cherished friend stopped by who provided company and provision. The day that had started off beautifully faded into chaos. My sweet Bella demanded to be in my arms or literally attached to me at all times. The other four were exhausted from a super long Wednesday and were Brownies gone wild. Order and structure took a vacation today and it was a mess. I had to try to will myself to choose joy today. Joy did not ooze and overflow but at least I tried to fight the good fight. Shaking off the snakes was hard. In fact I want to shake them off now but Brownie after Brownie keeps coming into my room right now. I love them and I'm thankful for them but I have an itchy face and a scratchy throat and I'm still irritated that my newest tattle tale in the house didn't say a single thing as his brother dumped a basket full of puzzles and games everywhere onto the floor. It's still sitting there now because if bedtime came one second later I was certain I would drop dead right there on top of the hundreds of puzzle pieces on the floor. Now these children want to climb into my bed one after another after I already put them to sleep! And I'm thankful. Thankful that it is humbling to have somebody else fold your laundry even if you love them dearly and learning again that it's okay not to be super woman. Thankful that even though I did get wrapped up in the multitude of messes instead of being focused on loving that I still fought. Thankful that even though my daughter and I sparred today several times there was opportunity for both parties to seek forgiveness and receive grace. Thankful that I think I've finally got it through my thick skull that I need to shut my mouth and let consequences speak for themselves. Sweet Pam MaGee told me that a couple weeks ago and I need to put it into practice. I'm thankful thankful thankful. This gig in BrownTown is hard. It's crazy hard but it's transforming me and it's making me learn to rely on Him. Even now I realize if only I had dropped to my knees and asked for help instead of thinking the answer was throwing them all into bed. They needed to go to bed but I missed out on making that time beautiful. Even though I missed yet another opportunity redemption is in my bed right now, all five of them.

On another note it's about time I headed on in to an ENT. I've had bouts of dizziness here and there through the years but lately it's gotten worse and now I can tell my equilibrium is a bit off. I'm not coordinated on a good but getting a bit stumbly lately. Haven't had my ghetto ear checked lately anyway so I'm sure it's about that time.

MATT 19:
This might be lame but these two verses struck me the most today.

Vs 13-14
Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.
Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:13, 14 NIV84)

Just the previous chapter before Jesus was telling his disciples this:

He called a little child and had him stand among them. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:2, 3 NIV84)

This is completely wrong but I love how often the disciples get it wrong despite Jesus's teaching. The disciples have to be told over and over again before they eventually get it right. I'm the same way. I think sometimes it does me best to just be clubbed over the head with it.

This is also a great reminder and encouragement with parenting. These knuckleheads are going to need to be told over and over again and not only is that okay it should be expected. The bonehead disciples who missed it all the time ended up being amazing warriors for Christ later. Those lessons that had to be taught over and over took root and grew into the very marrow of their bones giving them courage to die for the very Savior they loved. Gives me hope and a renewed vigor to tirelessly teach the very little ones He's so graciously blessed me with!

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Re: DAY 550: MATT 18

2012-01-26T00:24:00.001-06:00

Whew! My sweet little one is finally asleep. Since I should be doing the same I'll just hit the first section of Matthew 18 which captured my attention the most.

The disciples asked Jesus who the greatest in heaven will be and Jesus answers children. I can almost imagine their mouths wide open in surprise. A child's faith is quite amazing. My kids love them some Jesus. As they grow older I'm positive they will begin to question. In fact, in some ways I really hope they do. I want them to wrestle and truly own their own relationship with Christ. There is a real sweetness to their just believing now too.

Fading fast but this really caught my eye today.

"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! (Matthew 18:7 NIV84)

Woe! Beware of the things of this world that can cause you to sin. Woe to the people who sin and hurt others and don't know me. Okay seriously fading but this verse leads off the verses on chopping off body parts so that you might not sin. This is crazy and seems way over the top. Yet it truly is better to be the blind woman with only one arm and one leg than be the woman who ran towards the gates of hell.

These verses seem extreme because Jesus wants to make a point about how horrible and serious sin is. We are made righteous through Christ BUT He is not just our get out of jail free card. I wanted to go off on this point but can't keep eyes open.

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DAY 550: MATT 18

2012-01-25T23:43:00.001-06:00

I keep trying to write this but I can't stay focused to save my life. The little one permanently attached to my body tonight is not helping. Too distracting.

Ahhhh!!! Okay I give up. This chapter is incredible. I love me some Jesus! Spazzy boobie monster is too much to overcome tonight. If I can stay awake after she's settled I'll take another crack at it.

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DAY 549: MATT 17

2012-01-24T20:51:00.001-06:00

Sweet little cream puff was hi to the i maintenance today. Glad I was blessed to have a good 30 minutes to try to bring some order to the chaos yesterday. Back to square one but at least it's not ground zero.

Took the kids to the library today for the start of a six week story time thing. I think I must be clinically insane. It went pretty well considering the insanity we have experienced in the past. One fit that had the potential to escalate to monstrous proportions was stopped in its tracks. Bella didn't scream her head off till we were in line checking out and Joshua was a pill but we didn't get the stink eye and we weren't asked to leave. We even made it home before the rain! Thankful!! I am certain the reason why I didn't grow any grey hairs on this trip was because of the prayers of a certain sweet friend.

MATT 17:
When I really think about the story of the transfiguration my head kinda explodes. The first part almost seems like a story out of a childrens book. One day Peter, James and John were walking with their friend when suddenly he is changed to a sparkling glowing figure. Out of nowhere friends of long ago also appear and join their sparkling friend. Then God's voice rains down and I am immediately snapped out of children's storybook land. God speaks and Peter, James and John freak.

When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. (Matthew 17:6 NIV84)

They don't even have to see Him face to face to be terrified. All God has to do is speak and the sheer power of His voice makes the mountains tremble. I think most often I get wrapped up in the cuddly children's storybook God. I forget how incredibly powerful he is and that compared to Him I'm absolutely nothing. One day I'll meet this Holy, Powerful and Righteous God and I bet I too come unglued. When my sinful self is in the presence of powerful perfection His love will be all the more apparent and so will my reason to fear.

Love this verse from the next section yet I have no clue what it truly means or even how one goes about attaining it.

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." (Matthew 17:20 NIV84)

I can't help but think about Paul in this verse. The man had so much faith in God deadly snakes couldn't keep the man down. He was so focused on the mission God had set in front of him even a deadly snake bite didn't phase him. He shook off the beast and kept on going.

Practically speaking maybe that's what Jesus is talking about here. Shaking off the beastly circumstances that seem to stand in our way of accomplishing the goal God has given us. I'm excited even thinking about this yet I'm saddened that I am so distracted by the beastly snakes around me. My focus is so off right now and this seems impossible. "Nothing will be impossible for you". Of course in my flesh this sounds beyond awesome because nothing will be impossible so I can become super mom. Wahoo!!!

This is so not what this verse is about. Am I willing to shake off my own agenda? Am I willing to let go of my to do list? Am I willing to forget about the messes and how tired I am and lean directly into Him so that I can love? God please help me to shake off the beasts that distract me every day from my mission. Their fangs poison me with venom that chokes out a destroys love. Help me to surrender. Help ME to die so that love may prevail. I thank you for this time that has opened my eyes to my sinful selfish ways. Please continue to cut away the rot and decay that the venom has caused so that I may begin to love more like you.

To end this wonderful chapter we find a fish with money in its mouth.

"But so that we may not offend them, go to the lake and throw out your line. Take the first fish you catch; open its mouth and you will find a four‑drachma coin. Take it and give it to them for my tax and yours." (Matthew 17:27 NIV84)

Truly awesome! Wonderful perspective on our finances as well.

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DAY 548: MATT 16

2012-01-23T21:33:00.001-06:00

My kids and whatever is in the air is beating me into submission. I was a grumpy tail hole all day today. I was focused once again on my agenda and on my circumstances. I've been eating a whole lot of humble pie lately. Big fat honking pieces of pride smashing pie. My friends I'm being squeezed and what is coming out is ugly. I'm still a hormonal basket case who could use more sleep but wish I was handling life with a little bit more grace. None of this is fun but I'm thankful. Thankful that even now He's hard at work cutting away the rot and decay of my sin. Grateful for the crazy love that embraces me despite my sinful yuck.
If I did have a Duggar moment today it surely must have been a moment that happens when the cameras are put away.

MATT 16:
I love the gospels. Just love them! I wish my brain would work so I could really spend time diving deep. I love this entire chapter but the section that resonated the most was when Jesus tells his disciples to be aware of the yeast of the Pharisees. They had forgotten bread for their journey so all they could make of Jesus statement was that he was talking about bread.

Love me some Jesus:
Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? (Matthew 16:8 NIV84)

This would so be me. "I knew Jesus was mad at me for forgetting the bread. What are we going to eat for dinner now?". This is so perfect for me right now. I'm having a hard time looking past the mounting to-do's and tired of being completely embarrassed when neighbors drop by. But who cares? Neighbors have been dropping by because we've opened our home up to the people on our street on a regular basis. I love that they would drop by. I should be focusing about this awesome fact instead of the gross house they happen to walk into now. Instead of enjoying my kids all I seem to be focusing on is all the mess and destruction they have been leaving all over the house. Thank you God for the mess and destruction! I would much rather have that then clean and sparkly with no amazing Brownies. My focus is off and I hate it!

Be careful of the yeast of the Pharisee. Prideful McPridefulson most definitely needs to be aware of this. As much as I'm not enjoying my gross selfishness oozing everywhere and constantly having to battle it, I'm thankful. It's times like this that remind me all the more how much I need my wonderful Savior. It's times like this that I realize my poop does stink and it's disgusting. I'm a sinful beast and I'm no better than anyone else. I don't have it figured out and I am in need of God's grace and forgiveness every minute of the day. And that is all.

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DAY 547: PS 89

2012-01-22T21:06:00.001-06:00

And Mother of the Year Award goes to me for cookies for breakfast and tv almost all day long. At least I wasn't grumping at them from the couch trying to keep the little boys from destroying the house. Joshua tried to turn the bathroom into a bathtub at one point but since I wasn't trying to put out fires all day long with a sick baby I didn't really care. Overall I had a much better attitude today but who could have a bad attitude while snuggling with three boys and a snorting baby while watching the Toy Story Trilogy. Look forward to hearing how Abbie's afternoon adventure with her awesome dad went.

PS 89:
This Psalm seems as all over the place as I am. It starts with praise then launches into remembering God's promise to the house of David and then there is much groaning and bashing of teeth. Glad to know there is a Psalmist who can shift gears as fast as I can.

Okay ADD is preventing me from focusing. Squeaking turbines, snorting baby and fire trucks sirens when hubs and daughter are still not home too distracting. Plus I keep thinking about the sheets that still need to make it onto a bed. Yep those are my very holy and distracting thoughts.

Wasnt going to rock this verse but this time it caught my eye.

I will sing of the Lord's great love forever;
with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. (Psalm 89:1 NIV84)

With my mouth I will make your faithfulness known through all generations. This is such a beautiful verse. I wish I did this more often with my mouth. Instead I complain with the mouth God has given me, call my brothers and sisters fool, speak harsh words to my babies, cuss and a myriad of other awful things. Wish my mouth was more like a refreshing fountain of spring water instead of a puddle of gray water.

Verse 2 gets better:

I will declare that your love stands firm forever,
that you established your faithfulness in heaven itself. (Psalm 89:2 NIV84)

As we begin ramping up our neighborhood "church" again I pray that these kind of words would flow out of my mouth. May the story of transformation in my life compel others to want to know this wonderful Savior of ours. Right now there's not much compelling that is coming out of grumpykins right now. Praying the funk passes soon!

Vs 14:
Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
love and faithfulness go before you. (Psalm 89:14 NIV84)

I love when the Psalmists use beautiful words pictures like this. How awesome is our God!? Can not wait to meet Him face to face! I forget that one day I'll get to be fully in His presence without the distractions of this fallen world. Amazing!

The beauty of this verse just keeps going. The psalmist then switches gears to the trials that have fallen upon Israel. Even after lamenting over this he still end the psalm with this :

Praise be to the Lord forever!
Amen and Amen. (Psalm 89:52 NIV84)

I pray that my heart will grow to praise God day and night despite the circumstances around me.

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DAY 546: PS 88

2012-01-21T19:41:00.001-06:00

Today was off. We are still trying to find our groove as a family of 7. Itty bitty is not feeling well which threw off our plans for the day. I know I'm being a selfish beast but frustrated about not being able to get anything done. It's really hard letting go of my agenda day after day. It's an incredible lesson though. Wish I was handling it with more grace instead right now I just feel like kicking something or screaming. I know this is all flesh but all I want to do is be able to start something and finish it. Even with all my moaning and groaning I wouldn't trade these Brownies for anything. Yay for the sanctification of parenthood and the sheer joy of it!

PS 88:
This Psalm is just depressing. Not the pick me up I was hoping for. Notice how even that is about me. Lately I've been painfully aware of how incredibly selfish I am. It is so not pretty.

This Psalm has verse after verse of depressing lines. Basically the author feels like God has completely forgotten him. Yet, deep down the psalmist knows that God is good because He continues to cry out to Him day and night. This psalm is beautifully raw. There's no sugar coating how he feels. This is what I love about a relationship with God. We don't have to sugar coat things. We can be angry at Him and write psalms of lament just like this one. God can take it and He much rather have us be honest with Him than have us fake it. I think I get tripped up trying to be tough or strong with God. He knows my heart anyway so it's okay to let go and shake a fist every once in awhile.

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DAY 545: MATT 15

2012-01-20T23:16:00.001-06:00

It's official I have a case of the crazies. What is it about the post partum Period that makes my head decide to go nuts? The haze is bad enough but my mind is in chaos. I can't believe I used to live here in this state of chaos most of the time. Thankful for the renewing of the mind that God has done in my life. I can still see growth in the sense of taking thoughts captive and not spiraling but it's annoying. The good side of it is it's humbling and anything that gives me a lesson in humility is good for me.

MATT 15:
The feeding of the four thousand resonated with me tonight. This group of people have been with Jesus listening to him for three days. Jesus knows the crowds haven't eaten and he has compassion and wants to feed them before they leave. The disciples have already seen Jesus feed an even bigger crowd and yet can't look past the circumstances of this situation. They know they can't go buy enough food somewhere and even if they could they didn't have that kind of money.

This verse is from a different section but applies so wonderfully.

"Are you still so dull?" Jesus asked them. (Matthew 15:16 NIV84)

Are you still so dull that you don't realize that I can feed four thousand people? Are you still so dull that you look to other things to fill you up?

Just can't focus enough to get this done today. Hoping to elaborate tomorrow. Ordered some B12 and going to try to remember to take iron again. Think some of my head and general ick feeling is from some deficiencies.

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DAY 544: MATT 14

2012-01-19T15:32:00.001-06:00

In a crazy hormonal fog still. I can't click my brain on, still feeling flat and fighting flares of insecurity. Hate that feeling like a fluffy slob is messing with me. I don't want my security to be grounded in what I look like but feeling very haggish. This is bleeding into other areas as well. I don't like being in this place but it's good. It's humbling and it helps keep me tethered to my Savior. When I think about it that way it's pretty awesome!

Aunt Flo has officially arrived. I wasn't sure at first but there's no doubt now. This officially rules out continuing adoption with Gladney in my mind. My hubs might have other opinions and i have placed all future adoption decisions fully into his hands. I wish this meant I could stop hashing out our future in my mind but haven't yet been able to do that. I know MY plans are futile but in my flesh I want to try to figure it out.

I think the problem is that I'm weary of trying to figure out this whole baby prevention thing. All of this is total tmi but it's a reality. I wish it was as simple as just use this or that but it's not. Thanks to wonderful genetics I've inherited sensitive skin which is gradually getting worse as I get older. This unfortunately poses a problem in this arena. I feel like another baby at this moment might send my husband into cardiac arrest. Don't get me wrong he loves our babies and is an incredible husband and father but he's had to pick up much slack and love a crazy wife the last nine months. Throw in the adoption piece and I have a really hard time not trying to figure all of this out. I hear God beckoning me to trust Him but in my post hormonal insanity I'm having a hard time not looking at all the circumstances and trying to solve the puzzle. Thankful that this is the "problem" I've been obsessing about. I have so very much to be thankful for.

MATT 14:
I've read this section of scripture (vs 1-12) a number of times and it has never punched me in the gut like it has today. Herod kills John the baptist because he is loose with his lips and because he's too prideful to fix his mistake and do the right thing. Herod's step daughter dances in front of him and he carelessly offers to give her whatever she wants. I've definitely offered my kids things I've had to go back on. I when I do this. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. Hopefully I'll learn to be slower to speak so that I can become better at being able to keep my word.

Herod's daughter come back to him requesting the head of John the Baptist.

The king was very upset. But he thought of his promise and his dinner guests. So he told one of his men to give her what she asked for. (Matthew 14:9 NIRV)

In my pride it's easy for me to think Herod is a loser for not being willing to look foolish and go back on his word to give her anything. He's the king who cares what the dinner party guest thought about him. As if I'm better than Herod. As if I'm never concerned about what other people will think. What a load! I don't what to care what other people think and often I try to pretend that I don't care what other people think but I do! The truth is I want to be liked. I want my opinion to matter and be valuable. I want to be included. I don't to be thought of as a joke or whatever else. I hate admitting this. I hate that I still search for my value and worth from other people. I hate that wanting people to like me makes me vulnerable to be hurt. I hate that I still look to other things rather than God to search out my value and worth.

Think I may stop here for today. Stripping down the "tough" girl image is not easy for me. I think it's even harder to admit to myself. I'm fine with getting naked but not sure what else will come out today and this 20 plus pound spare tire is not pretty.

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DAY 543: PS 87

2012-01-18T14:44:00.001-06:00

Read chapter 87 in Psalms and had no idea what it meant. I knew there had to be hidden gold in it so read Spurgeon's take on it. It is pretty stinking awesome. It talks about the City of David and how special it is to God even above all the other places of Jacob. I couldnt get past the idea of this Psalm talking about the physical. What the author is trying to communicate is how precious God's chosen people are to Him, especially the Israelites. It gets even better it talks about the countries that were against Israel who also decide to acknowledge the Lord. I love thinking about how people all over the world will one day be together praising God.

I really like this verse:

The Lord will write in the register of the peoples:
"This one was born in Zion."
Selah
(Psalm 87:6 NIV84)

I didn't understand what this was talking about but basically one day God will say "this one is mine". I never experienced that from a father and overcome with emotion at the thought of my Savior one day calling me His. I am an unworthy sinner. Often I reach for a God substitute instead of coming to Him yet He still loves me. This is simply crazy and wonderful!

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DAY 542: MATT 13

2012-01-17T21:59:00.001-06:00

I think the Lord was trying to use my children to break me today. I'm not there quite yet but I know it wouldn't be a bad thing so I don't fear it.

My oldest has been so disrespectful lately. She is an amazing girl and I know some waves are to be excepted with a new sibling but it's wearing me out. Today was the first time I've thought that there's no way I can school her at home because there's too much clashing occurring. Frankly it doesnt matter if we clash or not. We've both got to figure out how to love each other well and this is so good for us. Wonder if Bella will be cut from the same mold that the both of us are made of. I'm thankful for days like today with fits worthy of being on the Super Nanny that keep me humble as a parent.

I got a tiny glimpse into the insanity God endures today. I extended much grace and had compassion to the child that repeatedly hit, screamed at and disrespected. There was a turn for a moment but then it was back to same minus the screaming and hitting. I asked God to step in because I was angry at the child and harboring an unforgiving heart. Very thankful that God does not love like I do! So thankful for these five Brownies who are shaping and molding me in ways I never thought possible. I did experience a brief window today where I felt like Michelle freakin Duggar. All four kids engrossed in learning about the states while great jazz played in the background and baby was attached and content. Thankful for that sweet gift today as well.

MATT 13:
One chapter a day in the gospels is a lot. I don't even know where to start. I keep drifting off too so that is not helping anything. Nothing I could possibly write could do this chapter any justice. Will focus on just this one verse.

For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.' (Matthew 13:15 NIV84)

This verse is so incredibly sad to me. If only everybody would open their ears and their eyes and be willing to hear so that the Lord could heal them. I myself am an example that this stated of having a calloused blind and dead heart is not hopeless.

But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. (Matthew 13:16 NIV84)

I think one of the beautiful things about being able to "see" and to "hear" is that is that along with the healing vision and hearing get even better. I love that living a life with Christ is a beautiful and amazing process. If we can land in that fertile soil much beauty can be grown. I pray that I don't allow the weeds in my life to choke out the harvest God wants to sow in my life.

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DAY 541: PS 86

2012-01-15T20:50:00.001-06:00

Today I'm thankful for my dear friends who have let me fill their inboxes day after day after day. If it wasn't for your accountability I never would have had the experience of my life being transformed by God's Word. For that I am ever so grateful! I do know however that inboxes get crazy full and so I am resetting my email list. If you would like to continue to read my random daily thoughts let me know and I'll keep sending them your way. If not, know that I love you dearly and am ever so thankful for you!!

Feeling slightly tied down by my littlest Brownie. She is Señorita nurse all day and I spend most of my days sitting on the couch. My mom has been a huge help and it's been great to have her here. With her gone tomorrow though I'll have to relearn how to live a one armed life and deal with the chaos of a dirty house. These crazy kids are so worth me learning how to die to my own agenda.

PS 86:
I only needed to read the first verse before I got stopped in my tracks.

Hear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy. (Psalm 86:1 NIV84)

I am so poor and needy and broken in spirit. During my reign on the couch I've become painfully aware that I'm more of a control freak than I would like to admit. I hate admitting this. People just aren't doing things the way that I would do them and it's irritating. When I stop and think about it though it so doesn't matter! Don't like that I'm irritated about not being able to be in control. Bleh.

The rest of this Davidic Psalm is full of warm and fuzzy verses like this one.

You are forgiving and good, O Lord,
abounding in love to all who call to you. (Psalm 86:5 NIV84)

My mom will be by soon to borrow my phone to call my stepdad so must end here. Not sure how I feel about the whole stepdad thing. Part of me wants to wretch at the very thought and part of me prays that one day he'll be in heaven with me one day. He claims God but I personally haven't seen the fruit of a relationship. I pray that this is no longer the case. Strange to be immersed in such two opposing emotions. To be completely repulsed by somebody yet feel grace and forgiveness at the same time. Wish there was fond memories to hold onto to chase away the repulsion but there just isn't any.

D
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DAY 540: PS 85

2012-01-14T22:38:00.001-06:00

This psalm is beautiful. God is showing favor once again to Israel since they have turned back to Him. I don't have much to comment on since the words used in this Psalm would make anything else beyond lame.

Love and faithfulness meet together;
righteousness and peace kiss each other.
Faithfulness springs forth from the earth,
and righteousness looks down from heaven. (Psalm 85:10, 11 NIV84)

Call me girlie but these verses take my breath away. Faithfulness springs from the earth and righteousness looks down from heaven. Wow!

The Psalm ends with these two verses.

The Lord will indeed give what is good,
And our land will yield its harvest.
Righteousness goes before him
and prepares the way for his steps. (Psalm 85:12, 13 NIV84)

The Lord does give what is good. Even in the hardships that he allows us to endure He is able to use it for His good and for our own. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps. Thankful I get to serve an awesome God who is described in beautiful ways like this!

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DAY 539: PS 84 & MATT 10

2012-01-13T23:26:00.001-06:00

It's crazy how incredibly well these two chapters go together. It's incredibly refreshing and exactly what I needed to bust out of some of my Psalm blahs.

Matthew chapter 10 starts off pretty awesome. It names off the twelve disciples and then clearly spells out Jesus's commission to them, go spread the gospel. At first it seems great. There's no need to tangle with the unclean Gentiles or Samaritans. God will equip them to do miracles and give them the strength and power to go forth as well as the right words to say. Well, slap me silly this sounds AWESOME. The adventurous person inside of me gets fired up about stuff like this! Then it gets a little hairy. Jesus tells them not to take anything with them for the journey, no money, no extra clothes, nothing. They are to rely fully of God for their provision, for their daily bread. This sounds great but the tension between a world that is fueled by money and what God says is very difficult. To trust in the unseen when the circumstances around that can be seen point to something opposite is hard. This is one of the many reasons I love being a mom. It's hard and it whoops my butt more often than I'd like to admit but hard things can be absolutely incredible.

Jesus sends them on an awesome mission and tells them to go without provision and then it gets much worse. Jesus gets real with his homeboys and explains the cost of following him. They will suffer persecution and will be hated. They will have to carry their cross in order to follow Christ and die to self. This is completely whack! What's crazier is that they didn't take off after hearing all of this. Why didn't they leave? Why did they choose to stay? I believe Psalm 84 answers this question beautifully.

Vs 10:
Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked. (Psalm 84:10 NIV84)

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Better was one day with Jesus with all the persecution and difficult death of self included than to be apart from Him. The disciples had there grand mess ups but when they fully understood it all, it was on and no amount of hardship or suffering was worth leaving the God they loved so much. I want to get me some of this, got to! When you understand the fullness of God's greatness this is the kind of Psalm you write in Psalm 84 and Matthew 10 is the kind of life you are willing to live out.

Vs 1&2:
How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God. (Psalm 84:1, 2 NIV84)

God help me to understand your greatness and your love more and more. May my very heart and flesh cry out for you and may I become worthy of the great adventure you beckon me to join daily.

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DAY 538: PS 83

2012-01-12T20:55:00.001-06:00

I know I say this every day now but I am so stinking tired. Hard to get super fired up about anything when keeping your eyes open is a challenge. On another note, besides crazy laundry our house is in somewhat order thanks to my mom.

I'm a prayer warrior drop out. Keep forgetting to set my alarm to go off as a reminder. Time to get another watch that will beep at me.

Les decided he was going to do the journey this year and stick with it. We both have yet to complete an entire year on the journey. I decided to jump on board with him too. Will be good to be on the same plan as him. I was going to wait till after Matthew but now as I'm writing this I think I'll jump in now. I'm getting a bit bogged down in Psalms anyway.

PS 83:
Read this once this morning and again tonight and it's hard for me to recall exactly what this is about. The Psalms are kinda starting to meld together. The author is asking God to rescue and vindicate Israel from its enemies. This verse stuck out the most as I read Kate McRae's blog and thinking about a friends little girl with cancer.

Vs 1:
O God, do not keep silent;
be not quiet, O God, be not still. (Psalm 83:1 NIV84)

It feels at times as if God is silent. I imagine it's hard when icy fear creeps over you as your child battles the monster of cancer. It's one thing to face a health issue yourself it's a completely different thing to watch your kiddo suffer.

Thankful today for health. I take it for granted often and even find myself complaining about run of the mill kid funk.

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DAY 537: PS 82

2012-01-11T09:44:00.001-06:00

My mom didn't make it yesterday but is on her way now. Was able to go to the staff wives thing which was good. As usual one of the last to leave and got to sit around a table of greats. I love seeing wise women in action stages ahead of me. Alex Wagner has to be one of the most patient women ever. Love her gentle quiet spirit. I'm not Alex but I would love to learn how to possess more of the calmness and gentleness that she does. My kids love those sweet Wagner kids. Makes me want to puke how fast they have grown up. My Brownies will be like that before I know it. God help me to seize and enjoy the day. This is the day the Lord has made let me rejoice and be glad in it.

PS 82:
Short and sweet Psalm about God's justice. This verse is from yesterday:

Sing for joy to God our strength;
shout aloud to the God of Jacob! (Psalm 81:1 NIV84)

Praying this will be my heart today despite the sanctification that may unfold today! May I embrace each moment with joy and thankfulness.

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DAY 536: PS 81

2012-01-10T22:21:00.001-06:00

I'm wonderfully wiped. Having a hard time dealing with the various disgusting smells permeating through out the house and my inability to tackle them. Hopefully it won't kill my mom.

Started this prayer thing today. Made me want to try a 30 X 30. Haven't done that in years.

Can't compose two thoughts together and baby girl is still up and squirming so I'm out before she starts wailing and wakes up the other four in my sardine can bed.

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DAY 535: PS 80

2012-01-09T22:44:00.001-06:00

My daughters are still up. One is to be expected and the other well, obviously she takes after her mother. Sweet Bella was still enough for me to vacuum and sweep today. I admit to being a kook and checking to see if she was breathing a couple times. It was so unusual for her to be fine for that long without being held. Feels good to be able to get something I can tangibly see accomplished.

I struggled off and on today and had to refrain from eating one of my children. He is so blatantly disobedient and his disobedience leads to something destroyed or a gianormous mess. I'd like to think he was just acting out but I think it just might be him. His personality is going to yield so many good things if he chooses to walk with the Lord. In the meantime, it's sanctifying the daylights out of me and exposes my ugly sinfulness. So thankful my Father is ever so patient and slow to anger unlike me. Trying to remember to remain. It works well when I remember but I need to be reminded 57 times a day. Maybe I'll get it tattooed somewhere.

PS 80:
There is so beautiful imagery in this Psalm. I have a certain friend who would dig this very much. Asaph compares Israel to a vine and at one point says that the vine has been cut off and burned. Yet once again another reminder to remain.

If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. (John 15:6 NIV84)

Sometimes I could kiss God's very face. It's the small ways that He shows that He is ever present and He is not joking when trying to drill in a message. He is awesome and I'm so thankful He chose a selfish sinner like myself to love and pursue. His ways are kind and gentle to those who love Him.

This verse is throughout the passage.

Restore us, O God;
make your face shine upon us,
that we may be saved. (Psalm 80:3 NIV84)

Isn't this what we want as believers, to be restored and have God's very face shine upon us? I know this is true of me. Restore me God. I am a broken sinful mess and without you I am lost and hopeless.

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DAY 534: PS 79

2012-01-08T20:59:00.001-06:00

I got nothing, again. Tried to watch the WM service this morning while my kids ran around with pencils terrorizing each other. Lots of fallout from almost 11pm bedtimes last night. Kids at each others throats today. Oh how God's heart must be grieved when we treat each other with contempt.

BrownTown is still adjusting to the newest member. I'm definitely still getting used to not being my own anymore. Bella might be the biggest Momma's Baby yet and I only get a few fleeting moments apart from her. She's perfectly content when she's with me though so no complaints just an adjustment. It's good for me to really learn how to set aside my own agenda for awhile. Maybe just maybe I'll get closer to learning what it means to put others first and love sacrificially. It's also good remembering that my worth is not related to how much I get accomplished in a day or whether or not my house is clean and somewhat orderly. It is what it is right now and I'm thankful for an opportunity to slow down and enjoy gazing hour upon hour at this sweet baby, snuggle with my other sweet ones, and learn great lessons.

PSALM 79:
I read the first two verses and I can't help but think this will someday be the scene in America. It's a gory scene filled with blood of the saints. I keep thinking about this verse in Judges.

In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit. (Judges 21:25 NIV84)

Moral relativism and self has become the king in America. As I've learned while reading through the OT, God loves us enough to allow devastation to fall upon us to turn us back to him. If my hope and trust did not rest in the Lord the future would look very bleak to me.

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DAY 532: JOHN 15:1-17

2012-01-06T20:25:00.001-06:00

I'm exhausted. Forgot how exhausting these first couple months can be. I physically feel much better and with the help of my beloved friend coffee I've got much more energy through out the day. Once the sun sets though I'm done. I've nursed all day and had more arms full of baby and or kids and it's been wonderfully exhausting. Very thankful.

Just now thinking about how I don't want to read Psalms and how I fell off the no sweets bandwagon and how I need to be a better, wife, mother and whip our house into shape, it hit me. I'm disconnected because I'm constantly in an Oxytocin haze and because I'm not remaining. I'm wonderfully content but I keep thinking it would be better if I'd only do this or that. The days would be more organized and I'd get a lot more accomplished if I'd get up earlier. Please. As soon as I'm up B would be all up in arms because I moved more than ten inches away from her. I'm missing out on fully soaking up this time because my to do list is a novel now and our house is disgusting. Who cares? The clean house police isn't going to arrest me and on the nights wonderful amazing people aren't feeding us Taco Bell is not going to kill us. Yes I want to practice more self discipline and I'd love to have a sparkly house and shed my 20 lb fat suit but all in time. Tonight God's words were crystal clear to me, REMAIN in me. I don't want to turn to chocolate instead of God but trying to be a Jesus warrior on my own is only making frustrated and feel like a looser when I want to shove my face in the bag of M&M's in my pantry. It's not doing a darn thing to draw me closer to Christ. I don't need to add more rules just to add rules. I need to shut up, stop trying to do and just remain. My job right now is to be quiet and still and bask in the love of my Father. If I do that my tank will surely get filled and I will bear much fruit.

JOHN 15:1-17:
These words are so beautiful to me. I want to camp here for hours and go through these 17 verses line by line. Exhaustion and brain fog won't allow it and I'm supposed to just remain anyway. I can't leave without at least touching on two verses. Love the reminder of verse 5 too. "Apart from me you can do nothing."

Vs 2:
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. (John 15:2 NIV84)

Every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. I don't know about you but the idea of pruning doesn't seem like a fun process. It's the difficult times in life, the rough days, the crazy days, the horrible days that help prepare us to bear more fruit. Praise God that He would use difficulty to help shape and mold us to be more beautiful.

Vs 9:
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. (John 15:9 NIV84)

Seriously hard to just stick with a couple verses. Every single one is like a delicious five course meal. Why God and Jesus love us so much I simply can not figure out, yet they do. Since they do I need to stop getting so wrapped up in the temporal and do what Jesus commanded, "now remain in my love". I can only imagine the crazy amazing things the church could do if each of us truly did this. It's that simple, remain in His love. It all flows out of that.

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DAY 531: PS 77

2012-01-05T23:23:00.001-06:00

Today went pretty well but bedtime was something else. Les took our three knights in training to the store this morning while me and the girls stayed home and worked on school. (yep, saying the girls is just as fun as saying the boys, love it!) Thanks to this incredible weather the kids have spent the last several afternoons playing outside till almost dinner time.

Normally when Les works it's Operation Bedtime at 6:30. Tonight I wasn't in a rush at all but think I rode the last ride and wasn't up for the shenanigans that went on during bedtime. If I had a dart gun for Joshua it would have gone a lot smoother. His personality is different but he is definitely taking up a lot of Luke Brown qualities. Crazy disruptive wild man at bedtime is definitely one of those traits. I love my boys but they sure do make for two exhausted parents at the end of the day. I would have been fired up to have had another boy but not upset to have another sweet little girl. Hopefully some added estrogen will help bring down some of the wildness around here. It's really sweet to see the wild brown boys fawn all over Baby Bella. It makes my heart melt into a thousand ooey gooey pieces. As hard and as long as some of the days may be I am so incredibly blessed by the amazing individuals that make up BrownTown.

PS 77:
Unfortunately this verse really resonated with me.

Vs 2:
When I was in trouble, I looked to the Lord.
During the night I lifted up my hands in prayer.
But I refused to be comforted. (Psalm 77:2 NIRV)

But I refused to be comforted. I get this. I'm sure the Asaph didn't refuse to be comforted because of a walled up heart like mine but either way this verse stuck out.

Vs 12:
I will spend time thinking about everything you have done.
I will consider all of your mighty acts. (Psalm 77:12 NIRV)

I need to do more of this. What a great way to prepare a heart.

Yep that's all I got. Thinking about starting a bible in 90 days plan. I'm spending lots of time sitting and nursing right now might as well do something useful.

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DAY 530: PS 76

2012-01-04T22:09:00.001-06:00

Yesterday went smoother than today although I can't exactly remember why. Hard hard hard not hitting the sugar crack today. Came up with a million reasons why I should eat the M&M's in the cupboard. Not convinced it won't happen either. Still really struggling with being disconnected. Darn you post partum hormones! I want to eat chocolate and stare off into space all day while stroking the feathery head of a delicious newborn.

PS 76:
I read this psalm several times and I'm just not getting much. I know that has everything to do with my fuzzy brain and difficulty connecting.

Of all the verses this one stuck out the most.
Vs 1:
In Judah God is known;
his name is great in Israel. (Psalm 76:1 NIV84)

Oh how I wish this was still the case in America. There's lots of people who know of the Lord yet there is no relationship. Since there is a lack of relationship it's impossible to know how truly great He is. I know Him more than I used to yet I have barely scratched the surface of how great He is.

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DAY 529: PS 75

2012-01-03T23:13:00.001-06:00

Checking the box today. Almost forgot too which is sad to me. I do still struggling with fighting this time at times but overall embrace it. To just forget is an indicator of lacking brain cells or a huge heart disconnect.

So snappy at my amazing husband lately. Most of my day is spent holding or nursing sweet Bella. I'm so thankful for this time but at the same time relinquishing control of my plans is incredibly hard. I know this time is so short and fleeting and I don't want to wish it away or not fully enjoy it for what it is but it's hard when I just want to return order to our household. I'm not living up to my standard and get frustrated and in my sinfulness I get snappy at my sweet husband. Lots of grinding on the heart and post baby hormones are not helping to make the grinding any easier.

On another note so thankful that a friend's baby in ICU is finally making some strides in a good direction.

Psalm 75:
Can't get my head to soak this in. Lots of talk about horns. Need to look up more about the horns. I believe there was horns in the temple that you could grab hold of for mercy perhaps? My mind won't think straight enough for me to remember. This verse stood out to me the most:

Vs 3:
When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm. (Psalm 75:3 NIV)

I like this verse the more I read it. It's simple yet beautiful. God holds our pillars firm. When our baby is incredibly sick in the hospital it is God who holds our pillars firm. When our circumstances cause our world to crash in around us, it is God who holds our pillars firm. Beautiful. I'm so ever thankful for this!

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DAY 528: PS 74

2012-01-02T21:42:00.001-06:00

Sometimes the results of sin in this world can be thick in the air like smoke. Cancer, sweet babies sick, addictions, sexual assault and the list goes on and on. Story after story of heart breaking events. Yet I'm thankful to serve a God who can use the most horrific of circumstances for His glory and for the prosperity of His people. This evening my heart is heavy and yet thankful. We went over our prayer requests that we prayed for the beginning of 2011 and it's crazy how many of them have been answered. If I wasn't afraid of waking a baby I would list them off. Hoping to do so tomorrow. Only answered prayer was a couple requests from the kids (meet the Duggars and get a dog with a nice face) and specific requests about our adoption. Even those requests were answered in a different way. I prayed to be a family of 7 in 2011 and God answered! It didn't happen the way I had hoped but it happened and I'm ever so thankful for sweet Bella.

PS 74:
This psalm is a bit depressing. The Israelites are being crushed by the oppression of their enemies and the sanctuary is being defiled. Asaph explains the devastation, asks when God will show up to rescue His people and remembers the greatness of who God is. This verse is scary to me.

Vs 9:
We are given no signs from God;
no prophets are left,
and none of us knows how long this will be. (Psalm 74:9 NIV)

I can't imagine how awful this must have been to feel like God had left. Whenever my mind gets into the mode where I fear the bottom falling out I find comfort in knowing God is Sovereign and that He will be there. To see the destruction of the temple or see things happen to God's living temples is hard. Couldn't imagine walking through that kind of valley with out God right by my side.

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DAY 527: PS 73

2012-01-01T23:09:00.001-06:00

I've tried to start this a couple times but my words are failing me tonight. Still need to steal some time to go over 2011 and pray over 2012. I'm always excited at the start of something new and the start of a year full of all sorts of possibilities always gets me geeked up.

Tomorrow starts my detox from sweets and in a couple weeks I'll start my social media purge as well. I've been so incredibly self indulgent lately that I'm afraid to cut both off at the same time. Sad but it's true. Looking forward to stretching the self discipline muscle once again, kinda.

PSALM 73:
I really do just love this Psalm. Maybe because Asaph is so transparent and this psalm is partly his confession and his story.

Vs 1:
A psalm of Asaph.
Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart. (Psalm 73:1 NIV)

The words pure in heart keep leaping off the page. I really want to do my part to truly learn what it means to be pure in heart this year. I know I'm beginning to take some sets in this area but I've got a mountain to climb. May God continue to root out the decay and perform the necessary heart surgery to help make my heart pure. I'm too selfish and my flesh is way too deceitful on my own.

Vs 2:
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold. (Psalm 73:2 NIV)

I love this reminder not to ever get prideful enough to think I can't be easily taken out.

Battery about to die. Hate that! Might have to revisit again tomorrow!

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DAY 526: PSALM 73

2011-12-31T21:00:00.001-06:00

Haven't spent much time reflecting over 2011. Hoping to get some time to do this in the next couple days. Without much thought my greatest accomplishment this year was completing the 365 Experiment. So excited that two of my sisters have joined me this year and are crossing the finish line today!

PSALM 73:
Awesome chapter to end the year on. It's beautiful! It's my MIL's last night here though and don't want to be antisocial. I'd wait till later but enjoyed this beautiful day at the zoo and this Momma is tired! Will most definitely start the new year repeating this chapter. Good stuff to focus on heading into 2012!

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DAY 525: MATT 29

2011-12-30T16:21:00.001-06:00

Feel like once again I'm mailing it in and checking a box. This chapter should be beyond exciting to read. Jesus has risen! Death and sin has been conquered, can't get my heart to connect with it. Hate this but it is what it is. Grumpy and angry at Les today for reasons I know are crazy. He's been nothing but amazing. I'm still wanting to be super woman and it's easier to be angry at somebody else than feel like a failure. My expectations on everything have been set way too high. Hate admitting that and hate that this is still such a crazy struggle. Nobody is expecting me to have everything together post baby. Why I'm angry and disappointed about that is crazy. This current battle is exactly why my heart is so numb. There is still a little girl inside who feels like she must perform in order to be loved. I know there's also part of me who is afraid that if I don't have it all together, which I know I don't nor ever will apart from Christ, that we'll be judged for having a large family.

Hate being controlled by fear and my stubborn desire to be strong, self reliant, and super. Who could possibly find joy in the midst of that mess? Why do I so easily forget to abide and remain in the only one who can give life? It always comes back to this crazy need to be independent and self reliant. Thankful for a God who is constantly willing to peel back the scales!

Favorite verse of the chapter:
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. (Matthew 28:8 NIV84)

Afraid yet filled with joy. I love it! Oh to embrace joy, peace and thankfulness in all circumstances.

Rocking a fast starting in January. I don't do well not exercising self discipline. Been leaning too much on my ilover and my friend sugar to disconnect and encourage me. They like me to stay stuck in the rut of self reliance and desire me to try to be super so that when I fail daily I keep coming back to them. They feed off the joy, peace and gratitude God has graciously given me and leave me feeling empty. See ya Sugar and iLover!

D
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DAY 524: MATT 28

2011-12-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

Took Bella to get her sono today and her spine and spinal cord are perfectly normal. Glad I can toss her around now. I really feel like I would have been fine if the outcome wasn't as good. Had some great perspective this week upon the death of an 18 year old. Les and i remember him running around our old church in Austin. Heart grieved for the sweet family and amazed at how God is using this boy to proclaim His glory. There is much peace to be found in God's Sovereignty.

MATT 28:
Oh Judas. You sold your soul for 30 pieces of silver to a broad of vipers. I don't think many people will feel the same amount of remorse as Judas did until they meet the very Jesus face to face that they denied.

This serves as a good reminder that often I trade in Jesus for a crappy substitute that will only end in death. I can't even count the number of times I've traded in Jesus for a brownie. God please help me to choose you instead of a cheap substitute that will only leave me empty and wanting more. May I choose life in you instead of chasing after fleeting things that only lead to death.

Vs 4 & 6:
"I have sinned," he said, "for I have betrayed innocent blood."
"What is that to us?" they replied. "That's your responsibility."

The chief priests picked up the coins and said, "It is against the law to put this into the treasury, since it is blood money." (Matthew 27:4, 6 NIV84)

Judas feels remorse and goes to return the silver. The following verses are the pharisees response to Judas's remorse and to him returning the silver. These verses are heartbreaking. Their hearts are not just hard they are evil. No wonder why Jesus was so angry at them and why they completely missed that they had been in the very presence of Christ.

Want to dive in more but still exhausted from 9 months of insomnia.

DAY 523: MATT 26

2011-12-28T21:54:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow we go in for a sonogram for sweet Bella. Bella has a red birthmark close to her spine which can be an indicator of spinal issues. The mark is slightly off the midline of her back but it's close enough that our pedi said we should at least check just to be sure. He's not overly concerned and there was no huge rush to get it done. I'm sure she's fine but even if there is an issue I'm fine with it. Bella is more wet noodle feeling to me like Paul and I'm more hesitant to rock and roll with her like I was with my last two Brownies. Could be also that she's a girl. Normally I'm itching to get out of the house but I'm very content sitting on the couch hour upon hour nursing my boobie baby.

MATT 26:
Wouldn't you know the worst part of Good Friday is not even in this chapter. Again just dreaded reading the end of this chapter.

Still not quite sure why Judas plays a part in this story. Its not like those who wanted to kill Jesus didn't know what he looked like. Judas didn't lure him anywhere either. I'm confident there is a great reason and an even better lesson to be learned by him. Not everybody who follows Jesus is really doing it for Jesus.

The trial of Jesus is so interesting. They completely miss out on seeing Christ right in front of their eyes because they can't see past worldly wisdom. The Jesus of Nazareth who come as a lowly babe in a manger couldn't possibly be the Christ. I can't help but wonder how much of God's awesomeness I miss out on because it's too hard to let go of what the world says.

Feeling pukey and my stomach is pretending its a whale by the noises it's making. Going to finish feeding Bella and hope I can just sleep off the funk.

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DAY 522: MATT 25 (17-45)

2011-12-27T17:53:00.001-06:00

Still avoiding the crucifixion. I just realized though that by avoiding the painful death I miss out on the wonder of Easter. Isn't that just how life goes though? When I try to avoid the pain, which can be like a painful death, I miss out on the renewed life of resurrection.

On that note I'm out. The Last Supper and Jesus talking to his disciples about denying him is interesting but sometimes the best things we just stumble upon.

D
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DAY 521: MATT 25 vs 1-16

2011-12-26T22:33:00.001-06:00

Tired and still feeling emotionally on edge. Sweet Bella screamed her sweet little head off at the pedi today. She is very passionate like her big brother Paul. Thankfully, if she has her mouth on me or on me she is generally happy.

Today I found out a student I had in Austin brother died on Christmas. I didn't know him very well but I had gotten a chance to know the family which was a super sweet family. My heart aches for them.

MATT 25:
Didn't want to read this chapter tonight. I cheated and only read the top half. Just didn't feel Iike my heart could take the story of the death of Jesus today. It's good to be face to face with the reality of the death of Christ and realize the cost of my sin. Just can't do it tonight.

Vs 2:
"As you know, the Passover Feast is two days away. The Son of Man will be handed over to be nailed to a cross." (Matthew 26:2 NIRV-ENG)

Can't imagine what it would have been like to hear this come from Jesus as a disciple. Wonder if they even got it. Most probably not.

This is lame but Dumb and Dumber on and can't concentrate. Story of Mary anointing Jesus beautiful. One of my favorite stories.

D
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DAY 520: GEN 1

2011-12-25T23:10:00.001-06:00

Wonderfully exhausting day! Thankful for my crazy amazing God and the family and friends He has blessed me with. Started today reading at the beginning. I have several questions especially in light of John 1. Falling asleep so might have to come back tomorrow.

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DAY 519: JOHN 1

2011-12-24T23:10:00.001-06:00

Today was wheels flew off everywhere. Everywhere! I was a total jerk face grump too which helped not a thing. This Christmas season is so not what I want it all to look like. I say this and I'm pissed that I'm so hung up on my idea of what it should be like instead of embracing it with great joy. That baby in the manger was born to set a jerk face grumpy momma free. The circumstances matter not yet that is all I can seem to fix my eyes upon lately. I'm tired and feet head is so darn cloudy I can hardly put a constant stream of thought together. I read tonight and there's such great stuff in this 1st chapter of John but I can make my brain compute it fully. I wish I could get my heart to connect but still struggling with feeling flat and disconnected. I heart hormones! I think it's just lack of sleep. I have 9 months of horrible sleep to get caught up on. Still a lot to do for tomorrow and all I want to do is crawl in bed with this delicious baby.

Sorry for whining and grumping. Tonight during the Christmas service I got to sit by my neighbor who came to her first Christmas service ever at church. This opportunity to share my Christ with my sweet neighbor is what this season is about. When I look beyond my fleshly desires and circumstances I see a Christmas season that was a smashing success based on this one evening with my neighbor. It wasn't too long ago that I went to Christmas service with another neighbor who I miss. Her family left to move to Taiwan before she accepted Christ and I thought all hope was lost. The beautiful thing about Baby Jesus is that with him all hope is never lost. That neighbor moved to Taiwan and was baptized. I love our crazy God who would come down to earth as a lowly infant to be born in a poo filled barn.

I was reminded again during the Christmas service to embrace the hard days like today. It's hard days that help mold and shape us not easy ones. I feel like I failed majorly today but I had opportunities to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. I fell flat on my face being self reliant and that's an awesome lesson for me to learn. God keeps telling me to be a woman who abides and remains in him not a super woman. I keep wanting to be super instead of abiding. So thankful that baby in the manger is patient and kind.

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DAY 518: MATT 25

2011-12-23T21:21:00.001-06:00

Can. Not. Get. Enough. Of. This. Baby! So incredibly thankful that God's way are not my own. It doesn't seem possible that Bella could be two weeks old and yet at the same time it feels like she has always been with us. Just love this baby girl!

MATT 25:
The parable of the ten bridesmaids, the talents and sheep and the goats. This totally irrelevant but heard a sermon given about the talents one time while visiting my grandma that was grossly misinterpreted. Not sure why I even feel compelled to mention it but I think about it now every time I read this parable. I'm just going to stick with this parable tonight since it has caught my attention the most.

Vs 21:
"His master replied, 'You have done well, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' (Matthew 25:21 NIRV-ENG)

I want to hear this when I go to heaven. I feel I've only just begun to understand what it means to be faithful. Most of my life I've been more flakey than faithful. I hate that. I want to learn and grow to be a more faithful servant. I pray that God would help me to get over myself, my laziness, procrastination, isolation and fear that causes me to be anything but faithful.

I am the servant that buries the talents. I've allowed my fears to get the best of me and cause me to bury my talents. Fear of failure, fear of rejection and fear of not getting it perfect has driven me to bury my head in the sand. I want to be like the servant who doubles what they have been given. I'm getting closer to becoming this person but I know there is much room to grow. Since I'm rambling I might as well confess that the goat and sheep verses are stressing me out tonight.

At the of the days on earth Christ will come and separate out the goats from the sheep. Another glimpse into my ADD mind, I can't stop the song "Sheep go to heaven and goats go to hell" by Cake from playing in my head as I type this. Anyway, God tells both that when they did or didn't help others it was as if they were either ignoring God Himself or helping Him. There's a long list of things feeding people, clothing, hospitality, visiting those in prison, ect. I can't help but think that I'm really sucking at most of that. I'm sure my crazy hormones and my ole friends shame and guilt are helping but I want to do better at helping and serving instead of being so self focused. What I really need to do instead of adding things to do on my to do list to save the world is to better love and serve the amazing husband and little ones the Lord has blessed me with. First thing is first is to serve those who God has placed right in front of me with a happy heart. Unfortunately, the last nine or so months my service has come with a grumble. I keep thinking about what a girl at BB said, "my mom did everything for us but I felt like a burden and inconvenience". God please help me serve my family with a joyful heart. I know I've made my kids feel like the mess they made was much more important than them. Please forgive me and help me by giving me more patience, grace and love. Give me eyes to see like you do Jesus. Thank you so much got coming to this broken world in such a humble way so that you could set us free.

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DAY 517: MATT 24

2011-12-22T22:01:00.001-06:00

MATT 24:
Jesus tells the disciples what it will be like during the last days on earth. It all sounds rather horrible. I'd like to think that the rapture will happen before all the really awful stuff goes down but I can read this and think that it could very well happen at the end as well. The chapter starts off with Jesus talking about the end times starting with wars and rumors of wars and with earthquakes.

vs 8:
All these are the beginning of birth pains. (Matthew 24:8 NIRV-ENG)

A few days after Bella was born this verse made beautiful wonderful sense to me. As the woes of pregnancy and all the pain forgotten of labor the clarity has faded somewhat. However, I do envision all creation groaning about what will be set in motion during this time. The ache and longing for a Savior to once again come and the mourning for the souls of those who have chosen to live their own way. Their ruble awful things are about to begin yet at the end of it all joy upon joy for those who belong to Him. It will be much like childbirth. Almost impossible to bear without Him yet once the babe arrives, all is right and wonderful and perfect.

Vs 9&10:
"Then people will hand you over to be treated badly and killed. All nations will hate you because of me. At that time, many will turn away from their faith. They will hate each other. They will hand each other over to their enemies. (Matthew 24:9, 10 NIRV-ENG)

Frankly there is nothing appealing in either of these verses. I keep thinking about the question raised by our Children's Ministry Staff, "what if we are raising a generation of martyrs?". This kind of picture of the future for my kids doesn't play into the visions of grander I have when I think of being all grey with tons of grand babies. I envision a farm with a big house with a huge porch with rocking chairs and snow and kids with spouses and grandchildren running everywhere and chickens and maybe a donkey and some goats. Martyrdom is not my blissful happy ending. However, this life is not about me. I love my farm house dream but I would find no greater joy to raise children who love Jesus so much they would be willing to die for Him. Really the latter is my hope for my kids. Again I can't help but wonder what I would do if faced with the choice of Christ or life here on earth. I pray that my heart with grow to desire Jesus more than my very next breath. I have a long way to go.

Vs 12:
Because evil will grow, most people's love will grow cold. (Matthew 24:12 NIRV-ENG)

I feel I could make a case for pre-trib rapture based on this verse but there are several after it that could be counter arguments. There is something to the mystery of the whole end of time on earth. It really is like waiting for a child to be born. The time and day is completely unknown to everyone except God who breathed the very life into the child. It's exciting and wonderful and nerve wracking all at the same time. Back to this verse though, the though of love growing cold is incredibly sad.

Vs 19&21:
How awful it will be in those days for pregnant women! How awful for nursing mothers! There will be terrible suffering in those days. It will be worse than any other from the beginning of the world until now. And there will never be anything like it again. (Matthew 24:19, 21 NIRV-ENG)

These verses are awful. Having been a part of give births and having nursed all my kids the fact that these things that are so beautiful would be considered awful is heartbreaking. This is Jesus speaking who fully understands the blessing that children are yet who also knows how incredibly horrible this time will be. I feel like there already is horrible suffering on this earth. I can't imagine some of the suffering being any worse than it already is. This is a horrible awful picture of things to come.

Vs 22:
If the time had not been cut short, no one would live. But because of God's chosen people, it will be shortened. (Matthew 24:22 NIRV-ENG)

Again, yikes!!

So much more great stuff but little bit finally crashed for a bit so hoping to stuff my face before she starts squeaking again. I'll end on this comforting note.

Vs 35:
Heaven and earth will pass away. But my words will never pass away. (Matthew 24:35 NIRV-ENG)

So thankful for access to His beautiful precious words!

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DAY 516: MATT 24

2011-12-21T23:31:00.001-06:00

Tired. Forget how fast I crash during the fourth trimester. No complaints here! Started gushing again today. Completely obnoxious. I'd have to move like a sloth to take things any slower. I feel so much better than when baking a baby and I want to kick it into high gear. Thankful for a sweet baby who will not settle for being set down and a cranky ole uterus to help me kick my plans out the window.

MATT 24:
Read this morning and want to write some thoughts down about this interesting chapter. The end of the world is an interesting topic after all.
My day has officially come to an end though so must carry on tomorrow.

D
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DAY 515: MATT 23

2011-12-20T21:49:00.000-06:00

My sweet Bella is doing her job at making sure I take it slow and relearn how to do the one armed shuffle. I'm torn by the reality of the ever growing to do list and wanting to be present and just enjoy this wonderful season that I'm in. This baby is so intoxicating that I seriously have forgotten that I was ever pregnant. All the challenges, discomfort and pain has simply faded away into sheer joy over being this little girls momma. Praying I don't let the things that beckon me like dirty kitchens, exploding laundry and urine filled bathrooms rob me of a single moment of enjoy this sweet time with Bella.

MATT 23:
Jesus lights into the Pharisees. The words used in this chapter are incredibly strong. I know lots of people turned off or burnt by the church by modern day Pharisees. They crave religion where they can create their own god and save their own soul. Oh to not be an abuser of grace or to become a legalistic pharisee myself. I tend to swing to either one side or the other. God transform my heart to be like yours. Help me to continue to die to self so that you may be more known in my life. Remove the ugly pride that I so often struggle with even if the removal process is painful. Please keep me tethered to you and don't allow me to fall in love with religion. Thank you for your sweet amazing grace!!

Love these verses today:
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. Look, your house is left to you desolate. (Matthew 23:37, 38 NIV84)

God aches and yearns for us even when are covered head to toe in disgusting sin. His love is crazy!!!

DAY 514: MATT 22

2011-12-19T21:29:00.001-06:00

I need to start rethinking the flow of our days. Today went okay. I need to start making the switch from survival mode to thriving. The whining today blew out an eardrum. All I want to do is whine about the whining. I need to bring fun back into our daily routine. It gets hard to break out of a rut. School was going pretty well at first but then it turned into just get the 3 R's down and call it good. It can be so much more fun and enjoyable than that. I need to get back to where we started from. That might even mean scrapping it till we hit January and starting out fresh again. I don't know but I do know we need some more family unity going on through out the day. Today was okay. We all survived but I don't want to just survive I want all of us to thrive!

MATT 22:
I'm not even really going to write about this. Most definitely convicted today about shoving Jesus to the side while thoughts of being ready for "Christmas" consume my thoughts. I seriously could kick Satan in the nuts for being so dang effective! I know this is stupid but it feels like Christmas got away somehow. The kids were upset last night when they found out we missed Santa's Village this year. We don't even do Santa but its fun and magical to them. I like to make it fun and magical for them and really it's the little things they enjoy the most. All of my woes are based out of fear. I don't want my kids to not get the little things because they got a baby sister instead. I don't want to give any reason for resentment. Instead of allowing this to push Jesus aside I should have been coming to Him to pray about my fear. I don't want Christmas to be about lights and hot chocolate and presents. I want them to truly celebrate the birth of Christ and the wonder of our God! I also want to make beautiful memories and have strange quirky family traditions. I also want to enjoy this precious amazing baby sleeping on my chest and not stress about dragging her out to mingle with the Christmas crazies.

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DAY 513: MATT 22:1-22

2011-12-18T23:50:00.001-06:00

My head is bugging. Probably from the lack of strong coffee today. Not sure why I'm unable to operate a coffee pot by myself anymore.

Tried to do this earlier but got interrupted by a poor sweet boy with poo issues. Poor kid.

First morning solo as a Momma of 5. Kids slept in till about 8am which was awesome! Choo Choo Thomas came over to entertain while I fed Señorita Nursealot breakfast. (I am so head over heels for this sweet baby.) Feeling a lot better now that I'm not sharing my internal organs with Bella anymore. I'm not any more productive but I've managed to grow a whole lot more patient. The flip side of this is that I've seen a lot more self reliance and less talking to God throughout the day. I just viewed my grumpiness as a weakness. Instead I should have been viewing it as a gift. Instead of constantly asking God to take it away I should have been thanking God for keeping me tethered to Him. God help me to not forget this beautiful perspective.

MATT 22:
The parable of the wedding feast. This parable is so depressing. The King throws a banquet to honor his son with all the trimmings and the invited guests completely ignore the invitation. Why did I for so long ignore the invitation of the King? I was fooled into thinking that life could be found in any thing or any place other than the King. He is so good and lavishes His wonderful love on us. Why do so many choose to chase after the wind instead of choosing life? Heartbreaking.

D
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DAY 512: MATT 21

2011-12-17T23:12:00.001-06:00

It's official my kids can stay up later than I can. There are some beautiful living parables as well as told parables which point to the emptiness of religion. I would really like to write about it to see what God stirs up in my heart but I can't keep my eyes open. I know even on these days when there is not much left to give His word will not come back void.

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DAY 511: MATT 21 vs 1-17

2011-12-16T22:20:00.000-06:00

It's been so hard continuing to do this right now because my brain hurts. I'm still stuck in a bit of a fog and to have to really try to sit and use my brain is so unappealing right now since its so hard to do. This is good though. It helps me to understand why Abbie drags her feet to do certain things like reading. It's hard trying to flex mental muscle.

I feel like our family is starting to get back on track. I'm so not ready for Christmas but it will still come none the less and be wonderful. There's a few things I'd like to get back into place but there's always a few (or a lot) of things to get back into place. I'm just glad the light and fun atmosphere is getting back to being a regular thing around BrownTown.

I was looking at sweet Bella today and I realize that I've already forgotten my pregnancy and labor woes. A sweet friend came to drop off dinner and we were chatting labor and I used the word easy and Les questioned my use of the word. Now that she's here it's very clear that I would stop the entire world if I could for this kid. I'd turn myself into an elephant and bake her for two years if I had to. I think the other Brownies would agree that Bella was worth having pregnant and pissed mommy for 9 months too. The way they are loving on their sister is killing me.

MATT 21:
The moment I started reading this chapter I wanted to stop. Palm Sunday Jesus rides into Jerusalem on a donkey. There are shouts of praise and adoration.

Vs 9:
The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed shouted,

"Hosanna to the Son of David!"

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"

"Hosanna in the highest!" (Matthew 21:9 NIV84)

Yet the praise and adoration won't last long. We can be such fickle people. Jesus is all good as long as the sun is shining and things are going my way. Don't give me any of this die to self nonsense and things better go well for me! This was the religion I ascribed to for a long time. Jesus was good for a mountain top experience now and again but if I couldn't get my fix from an emotional high or circumstances were rough then forget about it. I would have been the woman shouting Hosanna one day and crucify him the next.

Frankly I don't want to dwell on the death of Christ right now. All that death business is good food for thought for Lent. I want to think about pregnant woman laboring on the backs of donkeys, angels singing, and a baby boy lying in a manger. That's so much more pleasant that whips, crowns of thorns and nails piercing flesh. Yet Christmas has no meaning if the events leading up to Easter do not happen. This angelic chubby baby laying swaddled in a manger is the one who will one day bare the sin of the entire world. Now that is a reason to shout Hosanna!!

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DAY 510: MATT 20

2011-12-16T00:05:00.001-06:00

Bella did a seven hour stretch last night and I got to take a shower so today was a huge success! I'm not rejoicing too much over the littlest Brownies long stretch of sleep just yet. One of our Brownies did a ten hour stretch early on and he's been our worst sleeper. Other than shower and manage to do school from the couch I've nursed a baby all day long. I've once again donned the cape of being a glorified pacifier. No complaints here though. If the other four could be content with Mama Paci on the couch all day long it would be a wonderful paradise. They do love their baby sister like crazy and that melts my heart all day long. We'll see how we all fair next week when my smoking hot cabana boy returns to work. I'm sure a pipe bomb or two will be made and the ceiling fan will become the latest and greatest toy/ride in BrownTown.

MATT 20:
Ah the workers in the field parable. A landowner goes out and gathers workers for his field at different times around the clock. The workers that were hired first thing in the morning see that those hired last received a full days wage and get excited about what they will received. They end up receiving the same and are not very happy about it. Frankly I wish I was one of the workers that was hired first. Oh to have spent my entire life working the fields instead of wasting so much time pursuing folly. Same wage or not I was the one missing out on something wonderful not working in my Master's field.

Verse 7 haunts me a little. The workers are asked by the landowner why they are not working and this is their response.

"They replied, 'Because no one hired us.'
"The landowner told them, 'Then go out and join the others in my vineyard.' (Matthew 20:7 NLT)

They replied, "Because no one told us". How many people do I encounter everyday that have never been told? How awful to know people that will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven because we never told them.

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DAY 507: MATT 18

2011-12-12T22:48:00.001-06:00

I have lots of things I could prattle on about but tonight the effort I would have to exert to get my one remaining brain cell to work just doesn't seem worth it. I forget the "I pushed out my brain with my baby" feeling after birth. I thought I wasn't functioning on high before but now I'm operating on the lowest setting.

MATT 18:
Such great stuff in this chapter. Normally is when most of its red. Can't shift the brain on though. Read it, it's amazing stuff!!

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DAY 506: MATT 17

2011-12-11T23:29:00.001-06:00

Feeling a lot better this evening. Very thankful for antibiotics and Tylenol today. Hoping fever is gone for good so we can start getting accustomed to our new normal as a family of 7. Bright side to all of this has been getting one on one time with sweet Bella the past couple days.

Little bit is restless so not sure how well this will go.

MATT 17:
The transfiguration is something that is hard to fully grasp. Unfortunately I don't have enough functioning brain cells to even attempt to break it apart. I can't even begin to imagine what Peter, James and John were thinking as they witnessed all that they did on top of that mountain.

Okay and I'm out. Sweet baby girl is having a rough go of it tonight.

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DAY 505: MATT 16

2011-12-10T21:59:00.001-06:00

It's been quite a crazy ride the last couple days. Last night started getting chills and woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck. So thankful we decided to pull out of the BB Christmas Brunch. Would have been awful trying to hand things off this morning. Love God's sweet provision, even when it's through puke. Hoping what I got going on is a postpartum infection instead of something viral like the flu. I find it humorous to be praying for an infection. Sweet Bella is showing no signs of illness and she's nursing like a champ which I'm very thankful for.

MATT 16:
Jesus warns of the yeast of the Pharisees. The disciples focus on the fact that they forgot to bring bread and argue with one another. Jesus reminds them of the feeding of the 5,000 and the 4,000 and tells they possess little faith and that he wasn't talking about physical bread. I so easily get stuck on the fact that there is no bread instead of trusting and seeking out what God would have me learn. It's so hard not to get distracted by the temporal instead of seeking the eternal.

My favorite verse of the chapter:

Now I say to you that you are Peter (which means 'rock'), and upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it. (Matthew 16:18 NLT)

I take much comfort knowing that nothing can conquer God's church.

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DAY 504: MATT 15

2011-12-09T22:26:00.001-06:00

Feeling a bit shell shocked today. Sweet Bella likes to party till 4 or 5 in the morning so my theory about sleeping better once I'm not pregnant is out the window as of now. It has been a whirlwind around here since Wednesday afternoon. I think I got so wrapped up and focused on my plan for Bella's arrival and what i thought it was going to be like that I've gotten blindsided by it all. In my head once Bella finally got here I expected peace and tranquility to fall upon BrownTown. Instead we've been experiencing the fallout for the last several weeks.

Bummed about missing the WM Christmas Party and the BB Brunch. When Luke puked all over our bed this morning right as Les was walking out the door to take Bella to the pediatrician it was clear that entertaining the idea of keeping up with the much desired festivities this weekend was foolish. Bella had to get her bilirubin count taken at Presby today. Been there done that with Paul but hated being away from sweet girl for so long. Want to throw a big pity party. I am a tired hormonal wreck and bummed about certain circumstances but hard to pout for very long when holding a sweet baby.

Provision has been showing up in surprising and unexpected places. I know missing tonight and tomorrow morning is a blessing. I don't understand it but very confident the timing of this stomach bug is perfect. When I got the call about Bella having to go to Presby a sweet friend who knows my stubborn self reliant ways called me and told me no was not an option and came and picked up an obscene amount of laundry. Having that laundry done is a big blessing but the timing of the call was perfect. Same thing happened Wednesday night when Bella was about to make her grand appearance. Water broke while Les was getting kids ready for bed and a text from a friend offering to come get the kids came at the same time I got that first real deal contraction. Thankful for His constant provision, even when it comes in ways I don't understand, and His always perfect timing.

MATT 15:
Love Jesus boldness with the Pharisees. So many great verses in the first section of this chapter. Jesus reminds us that it's not ritual or religion that makes you holy it's your heart.

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DAY 503: MATT 14

2011-12-09T01:05:00.000-06:00

Tired. Sweet little one was excited to be out of her womb and partied till after 4am last night. She is turning out to be so much like her big sister it's crazy. Feeling the effects of days of pregnancy insomnia now coupled with crazy shifting hormones. I always forget how hard the first week can be hormones wise. Feeling very emotionally flat and slightly detached. Oh Eve, I wish I could blame you, yet I eat off that same dang apple daily.

With the arrival sweet Bella has come a new contentment that I was hoping for. When Joshua arrived our midwife looked at us and said you guys aren't done yet. In that moment I knew that we weren't. Yesterday I asked Les and Abbie if it felt like our family was complete. Abbie had the perfect answer, "for now it is". I feel the same way. Meeting this sweet little girl was the reminder that I needed to let go of my plans and my worry over what's next. During this pregnancy it didn't feel like she was supposed to come before Baby E but now that she is here its very obvious that she came at just the perfect time. I don't have to stress about finding the perfect birth control method that will honor God and allow for my plans to be accomplished. I don't need to figure out if we stick with the Ethiopia program at Gladney, change to another or choose foster to adopt instead. I don't have to figure any of it out because I'll be flat out wrong anyway. God has it all mapped out. I can let go of the reigns and be content with not knowing what's next. God has it all mapped out and His plans are so much more wonderful than my own.

MATT 14:
In this chapter John the baptist is beheaded. John is bold and speaks the truth to Herod about marrying his brothers wife. Obviously that didn't go very well with Herod or his new bride and the consequences were huge. I can see a lot more persecution for boldly speaking the truth in our country in the future. Truth doesn't jive very well with a culture that desires tolerance at all cost. I pray that I would learn to live a bold life embracing and proclaiming truth so that one day my kids will be willing to proclaim and uphold truth even if the stakes are high.

Jesus feeds the five thousand. I love this verse in this story.

Vs 16:
But Jesus said, "That isn't necessary—you feed them." (Matthew 14:16 NLT)

The disciples want to send the crowds home but Jesus tells his disciples that they are to be the ones to help feed the masses. Jesus won't be there forever and his disciples will be faced with crowd upon crowd of people starved for the Good News. The hungry crowds are all around us. I have a lot to learn about being faithful and available to feed the hungry crowds around me instead of sending them away.

Jesus sends the disciples on ahead of him and meets up with them in the middle of a storm while walking in water. They are all scared but once they figure out the person walking on water is Jesus, Peter wants to join in the fun. Peter hops out of the boat but when he takes his eyes off of Jesus and fixes his eyes on the circumstances around him he begins to fear and sinks.

Vs 31:
Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. "You have so little faith," Jesus said. "Why did you doubt me?" (Matthew 14:31 NLT)

Come on Peter! You just saw Jesus heal the masses and feed the 5000, why do you doubt him? I'd love to point my finger at Peter this way. The truth is I'm worse than him, at least he got out of the boat. This is the tension of following Christ. I can read his very words and know the truth that He says but often it's hard to keep my eyes focused on Him and I'd rather live based on my current circumstances. I've seen God show up time and time again but when the wind starts howling and the waves come crashing most often I'm too scared to even get off the boat. Jesus help me to keep my eyes fixed on you and to trust you even when everything around me comes crashing in like waves.

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DAY 502: MATT 13

2011-12-08T00:31:00.001-06:00

Feeling like a first time mom this time around. Feeling like today or tomorrow morning could be it with all the bizarre things going on but I'm still hoping that we can hold out till Saturday morning. I've definitely felt this way before this pregnancy so I'm not holding my breath.

------
Okay in labor. I'm laying down to keep her in till kids asleep. If this is false labor at least I got to spend the afternoon laid up. Very weepy today. Almost completely lost it during Silent Night at BS and looking at a sweet friend holding her own sleeping miracle child.

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Okay water just broke.

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Sweet Baby Bella is here! Was a bit shell shocked at first but now that things are settling down I could not be more fired up to have this sweet girl in my arms. Needless to say I'm mailing it in tonight so I can stare at this amazing blessing. I don't want to take for granted that tonight could have gone completely different. I pray that God would continue to grow my heart, that I might praise Him on wonder filled nights such as these and in nights filled with much sorrow.

MATT 13:
Hate to mail this in but these parables are just as good if not better without my rambling.

Verses that remind me to thank God that He is the one who opened my eyes. I was the seed that fell into the rocky soil for a long time.

Vs 15&16
For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.' But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. (Matthew 13:15, 16 NIV84)

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DAY 501: MATT 12

2011-12-06T20:47:00.001-06:00

I am a mess today. Thought this morning could be it and so snappy and mean to kids and especially my sweet husband. A sweet little boy who wanted to play hide and seek helped slap me awake. Then I read a blog someone linked to about Christmas. Reaffirmed our decision about not doing Santa but was great added perspective on the whole present thing Les and i have been wrestling with this year. It was also a good reminder of slave labor especially child slave labor.

Downloaded an app that you can scan items to see its slave labor footprint. Was looking through companies and brands that have bad marks for slave labor and it's clear our ways of shopping need to change. Will not be easy trying to be creative and make it work with our budget but I'm confident God will make it work. I'm broken just thinking about having bought toys, clothes, food or whatever for my kids while keeping the chains on somebody else's baby.

I take so much for granted and poo poo the many incredible blessings God has given me. I fed my babies this morning without even thinking twice. They had hot chocolate that was most probably helped produce by the tiny hands of other children. When sweet Bella comes I wont worry about how I can't feed nurse her because I myself am starving. I will never have to rock a child to sleep who is crying because they are hungry. Our family doesn't have a ton of excess compared to some others in Big D but we are rolling and wallowing in over abundance. Oh how often my eyes get fixed on the temporal instead of the eternal. Even while typing on this stupid phone I can't help but think about the true cost of my convenience. Oh God help shake me out of this awful state of consumerism. Help me not to justify, make excuses, or compromise for my own comfort and convenience.

MATT 12:
Tapped out. Read this in the AM. Again Jesus just lays it all out. This time he lays it out for the Pharisees. Hate that so often I too am as awesome as they are. Once again reminded how incredibly thankful I am for this time everyday. It's way too easy to swerve to the left and to the right. I need a daily dose of God to at least try to stay in the middle. Even with this this time it's a battle.

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DAY 500: MATT 11

2011-12-06T01:02:00.001-06:00

Was just watching a possible back-up video for the BB Brunch if sweet Baby Girl decides to come later in the week or even Saturday and I forget all that the Christmas Story entails. I can't possibly imagine riding a donkey for days at this point. Needed this beautiful dose of perspective tonight.

Got an email from Gladney today which worsened my already stinkpot mood. I want somebody to be mad and frustrated at. I want a reason to explain away why this journey to adopt has taken so long. I want to punch somebody in the face! The truth is that if our son was supposed to be in our family right now he would be. For nothing is impossible for God. Nothing. There is a reason for this ache that my heart feels. It's the tiniest glimpse of a mothers ache to hold a baby she has longed for in her arms. It's a reminder of the ache and the longing God has for each and everyone of us to be apart of His family.

Tonight I got to have a couple conversations of people who love Jesus who are wrestling with decisions and what God is calling them to. I love this! There is something so awesome in watching someone who loves God wrestle with trying to decide what will most glorify Him. It hit me on my way home that maybe the constant struggle I've had against my flesh trying to possess joy and thanksgiving and fruit of the spirit is also beautiful to God. I hate this struggle. I feel like I should be able to tap into the strength of God and defeat my horrible attitude. Perfection is not what God desires. Frankly there are days when I choose not to fight, it's on those days that I loose. It is on the day that in my spirit I want desperately to possess love, grace, patience, joy, ect and it's so incredibly hard to muster that I actually win. I can't help but think about the verse in James. Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds! I'm having a hard time finding joy during the day to day but I am beginning to find much joy in this pregnancy journey and the pain of the our adoption journey. It's hard and my heart aches and I'm sad that I'm not over the moon excited and connected with this sweet baby. I think it's hard for me to be excited about this sweet baby and be so sad about having to wait longer for our son. Truth is I can be both. I don't have to choose one over the other. Thankful for this crazy amazing journey God has me on!

MATT 11:
This chapter is so unbelievably beautiful. Oh how the very words of Jesus have the ability to stir the soul. So thankful tonight that we have all kinds of crazy access to His words. I take this for granted daily.

Just going to end with His words. They are awesome!

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV84)

During this season of Advent may we all find rest.

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DAY 499: MATT 10

2011-12-04T21:38:00.001-06:00

I've decided that tomorrow early morning would be a most lovely day to have a baby. What a wonderful way to celebrate day 500! Plus I think I might go a little kooky if I actually make my next midwife appt. Not sure I can hack another "can't believe you made it to this appointment". Not crazy enough to start jumping off kitchen counters to break my water yet so that's good. There might be apart of me that also feels like this is an episode of Seinfeld where they drive the car as far as possible with no gas. Let's ride out this pregnancy as long as I can! Heck maybe I'll even make it to January!!!!

MATT 10:
Another lovely chapter where Jesus rallies and sends out his twelve disciples. What a wonderful group of ragamuffins! So thankful that I too am one of God's chosen ragamuffins'. It's interesting to me that at this time Jesus instructs his disciples to preach to the Jews and not the Gentiles or Samaritans. Curious as to the reason for this but I know God already has a fire cracker named Paul he is preparing to spread the gospel to the Gentiles.

There is a section here in the middle that I need to go back over and chew on. Hard to get motivated to want to do so when it feels like somebody is trying to claw their way out. Love this little stinker of a Brownie already!

The end of this chapter points to God's Sovereignty and the cost of following Christ. To live is to die. What a crazy backwards yet beautiful concept!

Vs 38:
and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10:38 NIV84)

Love the reminder today that this life is not about my comfort. There is nothing easy or simple about picking up that heavy cross to follow Jesus. I so desire that following Christ be marked by a life filled with a wonderful bowl of cherries. I can't express my gratitude for the wonderful joy God has given me in my journey closer to Him but it has not always been an easy road to walk. I pray that God helps to break my desire for comfort and that I remember as I'm carrying that heavy burdensome cross His arms are linked with mine and upon the death of self I will receive the reward of knowing him more.

I'll end on this wonderful verse which I take great comfort in.

Vs 29:
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. (Matthew 10:29 NIV84)

He is Sovereign! Praise God the Most High!! Nothing happens apart from His knowledge. Nothing slips by without His consent. No storm is created that is bigger or more powerful than Him. This girl who has spent much of her life waiting for the bottom to fall out takes the greatest comfort and joy knowing that in even the most horrible of circumstances God is weaving something beautiful. Even on the darkest day when our Savior breathed his last breath, victory was won and the most beautiful thing to have ever occurred happened.

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DAY 498: MATT 9

2011-12-03T23:04:00.001-06:00

Still in awe and wonder that this kid has yet to make an appearance. I waver from being completely and totally fine to wanting to burst into tears. I think the reason why I've yet to have a baby is because I'm not really pregnant, I'm actually turning into a fire breathing dragon. I swear I could breath fire at any moment.

MATT 9:
Love the insight into the very heart of Christ in this verse.

Vs 36:
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. (Matthew 9:36 NIV84)

This compassion, love and mercy is why God continued to pursue me while I was still a rebellious sinner. To think that God looked at and continues to look at me in my sinful state and has compassion is mind boggling. The verse about not judging comes back to mind. Christ didn't come to judge but to set us free. May God continue to mold and shape my eyes and my heart to see and love others the way he did.

The rest of this chapter Jesus is healing the sick and busting up the "law" of the religious and of the ways of this world. The rule breaker in me just loves the fact that God is not bound to the ridiculous ways of this world. The tension comes when God calls us to completely abandon worldly wisdom to follow His ways. I like to go against the grain but it's hard to go against what everything around you is telling is "right". Abraham and Sarah you are going to have a son. Mary, the virgin, you will give birth to the Messiah. The dead little girl is only sleeping and will rise again. All of it is crazy, scandalous and mind blowing. The bible is the constant reminder that all His words are true. All of them! Even the ones that seem insane in light of our American culture.

Oy those Pharisees!! They are so zealous of their religion that they have forgotten the very one they are to be glorifying. Isn't that exactly what religion does though? It glorifies ourselves instead of the very one we were created to glorify. I'm so great because I'm doing A, B and C right and everybody else is completely clueless. I battle with being a Pharisee in my flesh. It's hard at times to not be so excited about a life that is changed that the thing worshipped becomes the change and not the very one who made the change happen.

Vs 11&12:
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. (Matthew 9:11, 12 NIV84)

Thankful for the gentle reminders I get while being in God's very word how sick and sinful I am in light of His love and righteousness.

The Baby Messiah is coming, are you preparing room

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DAY 497: MATT 8

2011-12-02T23:00:00.001-06:00

My hubster and I are pretty confident at this point that this baby is never going to come. I'm destined to live a life forever pregnant filled with insomnia, grouchiness, heartburn and crotch kicks. At least I'll never have to suck in ever again. That makes it almost worth it!!

MATT 8:
Love the faith of the Roman soldier in this chapter. The King of the Jews appears in flesh yet they will not accept their King. A random Roman soldier schools them all. Love these verses:

Vs 11&12:
This man is the vanguard of many outsiders who will soon be coming from all directions-streaming in from the east, pouring in from the west, sitting down at God's kingdom banquet alongside Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Then those who grew up 'in the faith' but had no faith will find themselves out in the cold, outsiders to grace and wondering what happened." (Matthew 8:11, 12 MSG)

I think this is going to come as the most horrifying shock ever to those who grew up in a "Christian" home and do the song and dance yet lack a real relationship with God.

I really love the story of the leper who is healed in this chapter as well.

Vs 2:
A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." (Matthew 8:2 NIV84)

This unclean man possesses humility and faith. He knows that Jesus can heal him yet he does not demand it. Lord if you are willing. This attitude is one that I wish I possessed more of. Humility, utmost faith and a desire for God's will over my own. I've got a long way to go to get here but I'm thankful for Jesus's willingness to heal me.

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DAY 496: MATT 7

2011-12-01T23:56:00.001-06:00

Thoughts of the day:
1. Some of y'all are crazy prayer warriors! Thank you for praying for me. I thought for certain I was doomed to an evening locked in the bathroom last night and nothing big ever materialized. Not only that I felt well enough to send my husband out to Arby's around 12am. Abbie told me she had felt like she was going to be sick this morning but after awhile felt better too. I have no idea what that was all about but both of us feeling yuck could be no coincidence and I'm very thankful for you prayer warriors.

2. If I am ever blessed again with another pod in the spaceship I will never again change my due date based on LMP. Today I took comfort that according to my due date I don't turn 39 weeks until tomorrow. It's a few days difference but somehow those few days in the other direction helped my sanity today.

3. Les hit five years at WM today. There was a time when neither of us thought this would happen. I'm so incredibly proud of my hubster and the transformation I've seen over the past five years. Today doesn't just mark a job anniversary it's a day to celebrate all that God has done in our lives the past five years. I'm beyond thankful that God brought us here five years ago!!

4. Sweet moment tonight watching my oldest son reach out for my husbands hand to be on him. Even though Les was right there all along there was something comforting to my son when the hand of his father was upon him. The kid instantly sank into deep rest. I long for the hand of my Father to be upon me as well. Yet, I often buck up against and would rather go out on my own self reliant path. Oh to not be tricked, and not resist the very hand that would give me much comfort and rest. Thankful that even when I'm not willing to reach out for His hand upon me, He is always right there beside me.

MATT 7:
There is so much packed into this chapter that it truly is impossible to tackle in one sitting. Each section deserves hours upon hours of study and thought to truly do it any justice at all. These are Jesus's very words so it's not surprising.

The first section on Judging others contains a verse I fell in love with in elementary school. It just might have been the very first verse i ever underlined in a bible. I remember reading vs 3-5 in my gold Good News bible and really liking how Jesus spoke. I'm sure the image of a log in someone's eye bought much delight to me as a kid, it still does.

This judging others piece is hard. In my flesh judging is exactly what I want to do. I'm cynical, suspicious and insecure in my fleshly state and that leads to a perfect recipe for a judging fool. God has been showing me a lot lately that the problem with judging is that you only get to see the very tip top of the iceberg. From the surface an iceberg can seem like not much but until you can see the massive story laying underneath there is no way to understand what is truly going on. God knows all of our stories and He knows why we do the things that we do. He also loves each and every one of us with a crazy amazing extravagant love. As a parent, my heart would ache for someone to think badly of one of my kids. I know them and even though they can be completely unruly at times they each possess such beauty. I think God kinda feels that way when we are casting judgement on one of His kids. I can't go on enough how knowing someone's story can everything.

There's some pretty hard stuff in this chapter. The narrow gate, bad fruit being tossed into the fire, the Lord, Lord verses and pearls before swine. Would love to camp on those but I must trek on. I'll end with the wise and foolish man which frankly ties most of this chapter together.

Vs 24&26
"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. (Matthew 7:24, 26 NIV84)

It's not enough to call God your savior or to attend church and read your bible. Jesus says here that even the foolish man did that. The foolish man heard the words. He might have even read them daily yet those words didn't penetrate his heart and he wasn't willing to let it transform his life from the inside out. The wise man however not only heard but responded. This is probably where the relationship piece lies. You can't have a real relationship with God if you're not willing to respond to Him. With no relationship do you really even know Him? What a shame to know about Jesus but never really know Him.

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DAY 495: MATT 7

2011-11-30T20:45:00.001-06:00

I'm mailing it in tonight. I'm too terrified about the evil that has the potential to manifest itself in a couple hours to truly focus. Hoping it's a strange coincidence and I'm just exhibiting symptoms of pregnancy and I won't be weeping and nashing my teeth in the bathroom later tonight.

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DAY 494: 1 TIM 6

2011-11-30T00:48:00.001-06:00

Woke up in a gross funk. So hard to get up out of bed and face the day. On days like this I'm even more thankful to be a mother of four kiddos who won't allow me to indulge myself in an entire day with covers pulled up over my head. I realized once again that my prayer and pleas for patience was really a desire to have God take away my mess so I wouldn't have to struggle today. I want God to wave a magical wand and make the birds chirp and turn my frown upside down so I can sing and dance all over the house and turn into the mother of the year. There was no waving of magic wands today, just a gentle whisper that there is beauty in the struggle. This is an unexpected lesson that keeps popping up this pregnancy. I can't say that I'm a big fan since they only way to learn is to actually struggle but I'm thankful. The view I have of God's goodness and love has grown these last 9 months and that has been well worth the internal struggle.

1 TIM 6:
Great chapter. Paul gives a charge to those who have masters. Submission can appear like such an ugly word. It's not an easy thing to do and a lot of us carry hurts and baggage in this area. Yet when we are obedient and are willing to submit we begin to realize the blessing God truly intended in submitting to one another.

Paul continues the chapter by discussing the harm that comes from the love of money. Very interesting how this is paralleling with Matthew 6 right now. There is a verse or two in this section that seems to point to the faulty thinking of the health, wealth and prosperity gospel. God desires for us to learn how to be content. Being content in our circumstances doesn't benefit God it benefits us.

Paul closes out this letter by giving Timothy a big pep talk. It's inspiring and I could camp here since its so up my alley. It's hard for me to not get geeked up when I read about fighting the good fight. I want to fight the good fight! I wish it looked differently than it sometimes does but hopefully I'm growing in this area. I want to kick butt and take names. Conquer and destroy but sometimes fighting the good fight means just means not giving up and continuing to persevere even when it's hard as heck.

Vs 12:
Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (1 Timothy 6:12 NIV84)

Thank you ladies for allowing me to daily fill your inboxes so that I'm held accountable for at least attempting to fight the good fight on a daily basis.

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DAY 493: MATT 6

2011-11-28T21:01:00.001-06:00

Growing very weary of this constant contraction craziness. I start the day off fine but towards the end I'm completely worn down. When I stop to think and try to get a dose of perspective I remember that patience and endurance will be needed daily not only to raise this child but all of them. Another week or even two in light of the rest of this little girls life is not that big of a deal. Trying hard not to feel like the crab fishing captain who thought he had 34,000 lbs of crab in the tank but in reality only had 13,000. Cried this morning again over our son. I know there's purpose in this kiddo baking longer and it's not just for her. Feeling weary and defeated but ever so thankful to be on this magnificent journey. He makes all things beautiful in His perfect time, of this I am convinced more and more.

MATT 6:
I love every word of this chapter. I feel like I'm lacking what I need to pour my heart out about it. It's probably because the chapter is just simply too long to dissect in one, two or possibly even three settings. The sections on storing up treasure in heaven and not worrying have been two things I've clung to, to try to stay grounded in a world so contrary to Christ. Would love to dive into more detail and will later if I feel led. Tonight I'll try to keep my focus on the Our Father.

I think maybe like the Beatitudes, the Our Father has been a collection of words that sound pretty and nice but have never truly penetrated my heart. Thankful that despite the cause of its meaningless tumble off my lips it now has meaning and life.

Vs 9:
"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name, (Matthew 6:9 NIV84)

Father help me not forget the holiness of your very name. Please don't allow me to go through the day forgetting your majesty and your power. Open my eyes to know you more today.

Vs 10:
your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. (Matthew 6:10 NIV84)

It's all about you God and not about me. Help me not forget that today is about glorifying you. I need your help to lay down my own desires, plans and agendas for today and to embrace with joy your plan even when it's different from my own.

Vs 11:
Give us today our daily bread. (Matthew 6:11 NIV84)

Help me to rely on you today and not fall prey to my own desire to be self reliant. Help me to be content with the provision you offer even when I think I need more or it doesn't show up in the ways I expected.

Vs 12:
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors. (Matthew 6:12 NIV84)

Help me to be more like you full of mercy, grace and forgiveness. Show me when I need to let things go and extend grace and when I need to share my hurt and disappointment with my brothers and sisters. Always remind me of the log in my eye and the sweet amazing grace you daily offer me. Help me to understand your love, mercy and grace more and more so that I might in return show it to others.

Vs 13:
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.' (Matthew 6:13 NIV84)

Help me to lean into your strength when I am weak and not look to other things to find fulfillment. Search my heart God and expose those things in me that keep me separated from you. Help me to walk in truth and in light and to cling to your law and to your ways.

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DAY 492: MATTHEW 6

2011-11-28T00:27:00.001-06:00

Today has not been my finest of days. Took neighbor kiddos to church this evening and I'll confess I wasn't excited about it. I don't feel like I'm pregnant I feel like I'm wearing a heavy fleshly suit. Maybe having to constantly battle with my obnoxious and sinful self is part of the curse. Weary of wearing my big suit of selfishness. Add on top of that being face to face with my gross pride and I am so thankful that Jesus paid it all. Going to church isn't about me. Not sure what I was looking for tonight. Maybe deep down I was hoping my tank would become so full that my water would break.

MATT 6:
Hate this but I took Melatonin tonight and it's actually working!! Sweet!! Most definitely coming back to this heavy hitting chapter tomorrow. Did get hit across the face with the very first verse.

Vs 1:
"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. (Matthew 6:1 NIV84)

I would not say that I ever start off doing "acts of righteousness" to gain recognition but I'm pretty confident that the combination of a deceitful heart as well as a prideful heart can lead down this road easily. This verse is just a great reminder that if I'm not doing "good" things for God then it's just like me chasing the wind. Life is way too short to be spending it chasing the wind.

Thankful for the promise of zzzxz's despite the continued prelabor saga of 2011.

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DAY 491: MATTHEW 5

2011-11-26T22:04:00.001-06:00

Need to have a baby so I can start sleeping again! If this kid hasn't come by Monday I look forward to doing an Indian Labor Dance.

This chapter is packed so full of good stuff there is just no way to even begin to tackle it without being up all night. All of it ties back to one thing, the heart. We can appear righteous and follow all the rules but if our heart isn't in the right place it matters not. God is not impressed with our box checking, He wants our hearts and a willingness to offer up our everything.

I used to read through the Beatitudes and it just sounded like a nice list of qualities. I hoped to one day possess one of those qualities. A person who has surrendered their life to Christ should reflect all of these things. The more we come to know Christ we should begin to realize that it is us who are the poor in spirit. The more we know of Him the more we begin to realize our desperate need for a Savior. Blessed are those who mourn, again as Children of the Lord we are the ones who are comforted, who can cling to hope and faith in Jesus when we mourn. We should be learning how to be meek, hunger and thirst for righteousness, be merciful, pure in heart and peacemakers. These are the very things that should distinguish people who claim Christ over nonbelievers. You better believe if we are living out our faith and being salt and light in this world that we will be persecuted. It may not be the same persecution that others around the world are experiencing BUT the darkness does not like light. This isn't just a feel good poem it's a blueprint of what our lives should look like. For so long I have been one of those who heard but really had no clue what the heck was being said. I would read Jesus words and it was just things that made me feel good or things that should be quoted on a poster of a beautiful flawless Jesus holding a lamb. Instead the gospels and the very words of Christ are like marching orders. It's not words to make us feel good it's words to live by. I don't want to live out a feel good life. I want to live a life that is New Testament worthy!

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DAY 490: MATT 4

2011-11-25T20:34:00.000-06:00

Less than 4 hrs of sleep last night. Brain not working. Can't make much sense of Matt 4. The temptation in the wilderness has always been fascinating to me. Pretty cool to see Jesus slinging around the sword of truth and kicking serious tail. Jesus doesn't even entertain the attempts of Satan, He smacks him upside the head with truth instead. All the more reason to be in God's Word daily.

Jesus begins calling his disciples. Love the responses of Peter, Andrew, James and John.

Vs 20:
At once they left their nets and followed him.

Vs 22:
and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him. (Matthew 4:20, 22 NIV84)

There is no hesitation to answer the call of Jesus. They left immediately and followed. Love the picture of faith these men had. It's easy for me to later point a finger at their weaknesses sitting on the other side but they left immediately! Beautiful faith!

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DAY 489: MATTHEW 3

2011-11-25T02:20:00.001-06:00

Think I'm officially done with my adoption grieving process and I'm finally excited to meet this baby. Very thankful for this crazy and hard pregnancy. God has been using it to refine this self reliant and stubborn girl. So thankful for a loving Father who is faithful to teach and disciple me even while I thrash and kick about. A sweet friend reminded me that it's okay to bring everything to God even my disappointment and complaints. It wouldn't be good for me to live there but sometimes it takes a good soulful vent session to remember that God truly is good. Thankful for the reminder that I don't have to be joyful about all circumstances I just need to learn how to give thanks and be joyful in all circumstances. So thankful for the amazing women God has put in my life that point me back to Him.

MATT 3:
Loving Matthew so far. I love me some John the Baptist. He could eat Ron Swanson for lunch. In verses 1-12 John brings it strong. Jesus doesn't surprise anyone when he calls out the Pharisees and Sadducees. They had probably given the Jews a bad name for a long time. Unfortunately, there are still many modern day Pharisees. I myself am one trying to recover. John is pretty clear about the fate of Pharisees who place their salvation in the hands of their own good deeds.

Then Jesus comes to be baptized. I know I'm probably missing a lot about the interchange between John and Jesus but in my limited view this part of the chapter is still incredibly beautiful.

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DAY 488: MATTHEW 2

2011-11-23T23:46:00.001-06:00

I hate doing this but in all authenticity this evening I've decided to throw myself a pity party. Maybe if I just throw it instead of fighting it I can move on. Les came down with the stomach funk last night and it's thrown me off. Today was not at all what I had hoped for or envisioned as the eve of Thanksgiving. It's not even today that causing my grumpy butt, it's the fear of the Thanksgiving Puke A Roma around here that has my undies in a bunch. I wanted to have a baby sometime this Thanksgiving weekend and I know I won't if people in BrownTown start dropping like flies. I hate that I'm more concerned about puking out my own guts than my poor sweet husband. I already feel tapped physically right now. I can't fathom fighting a stomach bug on top of it.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! (Philippians 4:4 NIV84)

I hate being such a whiney baby the day before Thanksgiving. I have so many reasons to give thanks. This situation is not my dream but it's really not that big of a deal. I can't help but think about the Holmes Family right now whose son was newly diagnosed with cancer around the same time their fourth child was due. I can't imagine having to be away from any of my children while they are in the hospital to give birth. I am weary and feel like a horrible wife but none of this will end in death.

Praise the Lord.
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
his love endures forever. (Psalm 106:1 NIV84)

He is ever so good!! When my eyes are focused on myself and my circumstances frankly it's hard to give thanks. Thanks for letting me have a pity party. It's not about me and I'm thankful for that reminder once again.

MATT 2:
I'm going to leave my commentary for another time. Contrax I've had all day are ramping up and in order to fully ignore them I need to go to bed.

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DAY 487: MATTHEW 1

2011-11-22T22:46:00.001-06:00

Celebrated the beauty of adoption with sweet friends tonight. I can not get adoption out of my head either. It all ties into so many things. I think it all comes back to trying to figure out what BrownTown supposed to be all about. It can be confusing trying to understand what our thing is supposed to be. In many ways it's definately family and upholding the value and the beauty family. Both Les and I are strongly pro-life and I see how adoption fits beautifully into fighting for that cause.

I was talking to a sweet family tonight who have adopted one sweet boy and are in the process of adopting his baby sister as well. The bio momma is pregnant again and they are praying through what that means for the future of their family. At one point somebody made a comment of not understanding how she could be allowed to continue to have more babies. I understand that line of thinking. Why do so many kids have to be brought into the world drug addicted and many often have futures that seem very bleak. However, that mom who is a drug addict is also a daughter who God loves. Are children only a blessing from God when born to people who have their stuff together? I may be a lot more with it that a drug addicted prostitute but my sin is the same. Children are a blessing and as much as we want to think that we have control of creating them when it comes down to it, it's always God who breathes the breath of life. We can not create life apart from the blessing of God. Who are we to think that certain lives have more value than others. This wasn't the heart of the people I was talking with but really this is what it boils down to when we really stop and look at it.

Tonight I started reading Matthew as an attempt to prepare my heart for the celebration of the birth of the Christ Child. The book starts off with genealogy. Oh how in my flesh I would love to see that genealogy reflect the upmost righteous in character. Instead its a list of a bunch of sinners. It's a reminder of man's fallen nature and that even bastard children can become apart of a legacy of something beyond themself, a legacy of something incredibly beautiful.

If you've managed to read this far I would covet your prayer on wisdom and direction on what is next for our family. Ethiopia's situation does not look good right now as far as adoption goes. In my limited sight domestic adoption seems perfect with our hearts for life. Yet there is also this heartbeat for Africa that we can't exactly explain or even seem to shake. Pray that I would wait patiently for the Lord to reveal His plan. I've chosen to remove myself from the ring this time and wait for Les to lead out when he feels its time for our family to do so. It will be hard for me to be quiet and still and wait. I ache and long for our son to be with us. I won't lie I sometimes wish this wasn't supposed to be part of our story. It would be easier to just stick with having biological kids. God hasnt called us to easier though, He's calling us to glorify Him and to experience the beauty that only He can create through adoption.

MATT 1:
The stage has been set and the Messiah is coming soon. There is so much I love about this chapter. The scandalous lineage of Jesus complete with prostitutes and adulterers and other imperfect sinners. A faithful Moabite woman is also found here which hints that Jesus will not only be just for the Jews but for the Gentiles as well. There's hints of the amazing orderliness of God and how everything has been planned out and set into motion in His perfect timing.

Vs 17:
Thus there were fourteen generations in all from Abraham to David, fourteen from David to the exile to Babylon, and fourteen from the exile to the Messiah. (Matthew 1:17 NIV)

Then we are introduced to Mary and Joseph. Not much is mentioned of Joseph but in the few descriptions it's quite clear that he is a man of righteousness and he has a desire to pursue to God. I can't imagine how Mary and Joseph must have felt through all of this. I love this beautiful beginning to this amazing story. I look forward to reminding my heart over the next 28ish days of why we celebrate the coming of the Christ Child.

D
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DAY 486: PS 72

2011-11-21T21:30:00.001-06:00

Crazy weepy today. Now I'm just crazy tired. Loved the slow pace of a cloudy snugly day. Prayed that God would change my heart to be thankful today and He most definitely answered. This is totally the reason for the water works all day long. Thankful that He so graciously answers the prayers of His children.

PS 72:
This is really a beautiful Psalm. It can be read in two different ways depending on who the King is, Jesus or David himself. Either way it's pretty stinking awesome. Love David's heart in this Psalm for the hurting, the poor and the needy. David is all about justice. I completely know what that looks like since one of my children is Captain Justice. I love his heart on desiring to protect and deliver swift justice but it most definitely needs some refining. Don't we all need refining though. It's easy to look at my kids and wonder why they can't deliver perfection on a consistent basis. I hate that I often hold them to standards that I myself often can't meet. My sinful nature doesn't come out in the same way, but I too am in constant need of grace, discipleship and refinement. I'm thankful that King Jesus came to rescue us from our sinful selves. I pray that I am able to learn how to offer and show grace the same way Christ daily does to me. Overwhelmed by His great and mighty love today and the goodness He lavishes on those who love Him.

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DAY 485: PS 71

2011-11-20T23:00:00.001-06:00

I feel like the little boy who cried wolf. Today I feel much like I would feel if I went to L&D and got sent home. I've never thought anything bad about a woman who has done this but I can imagine how they feel and I'm feeling it today. Les staying home on a Sunday is a pretty big deal. He was prepared and ready in case of such an event but I feel lame not having a baby to show for the day off. I do have most of my to do before baby gets here done now so that feels great! Most important is the Jesse Tree! After two years of failed attempts I'm fired up that all the ornaments and the the tree itself is ready to go for Advent. Wahoo! Feel like a dork but much more prepared to have Bella actually come. Speaking of "Bella" discovered last night that a dumb character in Twilight is called Bella. Not fired up about that association but whatever. This baby is Isabel Grace and there's no going back now.

So today was filled with consistent contrax for an hour on and off. I'd finally get to a place where I would be okay with the fact no baby would be coming today and something else would happen that would get me back on the thought of impending labor. I was telling my hubster about how frustrating the whole thing was and he said to view this as an opportunity for patience. He was kidding but he was so right. I want to be able to control this somehow especially with the pressure of a day off spent. I can't control when Bella comes. I can't control when our adopted son will come home. I can't control a single thing about my children's lives. I can try like mad to control things the way I want to but I'll always come out feeling frustrated and a bit crazy. Today I was going to try Operation Evacuate Baby with the three tried and true S's. When the fear of the heartburn it could cause when I'm already a fire breathing dragon was worse than the thought of pushing this babe out I decided to re-evaluate. My heart behind my motivation to get this girl out is all wrong so it just wasn't worth it to me. Next week it might totally be worth it but for today I rest assured that the time of little bits arrival will be perfect!

PS 71:
Love this Psalm. In light of all my insane hormones over the last several days it was like a soothing balm.

Vs 1:
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame. (Psalm 71:1 NIV)

The thought of being put to shame is never my idea of fun but beyond that I am so thankful that I can take refuge in the Lord. It's only been till recently that I've found that not only is He a refuge He has become what I turn to for refuge.

Vs 8:
My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long. (Psalm 71:8 NIV)

Today while listening to worship being streamed into my house I realized that in all this emotional and hormonal churn I've felt the last couple days I've lost my focus and my center, Christ. Oh how I wish I could keep Jesus locked into focus as I walked through all my days. Yet I'm most often a distracted girl being pulled and swayed by one thing or another. I'm thankful for this time each and every day to fix my focus back to Jesus even if it means just for a moment. I'd get sweated away and carried out to sea without this time everyday. Now if only I could learn how to live out my daily walk like verse 8. There is something so powerful about thanksgiving. It takes the focus off of ourselves and keeps our eyes on Him. I know why Ann Voscamp is so very passionate about learning to live out a life of thankfulness in all circumstances. It's hard for me to live this out even during the very season of giving thanks. May God change my heart to lift my hands in praise and thanksgiving all day long.

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DAY 484: PS 70

2011-11-20T00:25:00.001-06:00

Was just about to write about how I must of just had some bad gas to think this kid was coming soon and now she is painfully working herself so low that she's either going to just fall out or I'm going to have a third cheek by morning. Yep that's the longest sentence ever. Can't think straight with all the grindy grindy.

I thought when I hit the 37 week zone I'd be less focused on Baby E and totally excited to meet Bella. Still not quite ready to meet Bella and still so sad over Baby E. I can't help but think about how different things were last year. There were frustrations and set backs in our rush to complete our dossier. Having the ability to truly compare the events of this year and last the urgency to get things completed and ready feel very much the same. There was so much celebration and joy over getting everything completed and on the waitlist before the end of the year. I know there will be such incredible amounts of joy and celebrating once sweet Bella Grace finally arrives. We prayed on January 1st that BrownTown would become a family of 7 in 2011 and He answered our prayer. God's hand has lead every step of our adoption process as well as the blessing of more Brownies that are biological. Through all of this I understand on a much smaller scale the ache and longing God has for us to be apart of His Family.

PS 70:
Short Psalm. Love this verse.

Vs 4:
But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
"The Lord is great!" (Psalm 70:4 NIV)

I don't understand why God doesn't just take the shortest route possible on things in life. I do know that the journey He takes us on to go from A to B is part of the beauty and growth of it all. Thankful I don't always see the full picture and that He's growing me to be more and more okay with that. I am glad that I can always go back to the fact that the Lord is great!!!

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DAY 483: PS 69

2011-11-18T21:52:00.001-06:00

Great day spend with my hubster thanks to sweet friends who watched my Brownies. It's been way too long since just the two of us got away alone. Felt pretty good today but got smacked with reoccurring nausea today. Every time contractions ramp up so does feeling pukey. I feel like I can't possibly have a baby feeling like this. I'm done with all the digestive issues that have gone on the last nine months. I feel like the biggest brat for even writing that. I have no reason to complain. There are so many people who are dying of starvation and will die as I write this. There are sweet kiddos, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, you name it who feel yuck because the medicine that will save them is also what tears up their bodies. My temporary discomfort is what will bring forth new life. Such a beautiful picture of what happens to us on our journey closer to Christ. It's uncomfortable and sometimes downright painful to die to self so that we might become more like Christ and find true life. May my heart grow to find much joy in all the discomforts of life knowing that in the end it produces much beauty.

PS 69:
Another beautiful Psalm. It's slightly overwhelming trying to figure out how to tackle Psalms like this. They twist and turn but there is so much greatness packed into such a short chapter. I love how God has created some of us with the gift of creating beauty with words. I get excited thinking about what it will be like to listen to the very words of God. Each and every word will be filled with more beauty than we could ever imagine. I've never really thought about this being part of experiencing the majesty of God. Ive always loved this verse but it's coming alive to me in more depth and I'm more excited than ever to one day be in front of my Creator and it be better than the greatest thing I could ever imagine here. When I think about all the temporary discomfort I whine about here on earth compared to an eternity of unfathomable joy it's makes it seem completely worth it.

However, as it is written:
"What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived"—
the things God has prepared for those who love him— (1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV)

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DAY 482: PS 68

2011-11-18T00:00:00.001-06:00

Very thankful for today. Somebody is praying me up because for as yuck as I was feeling last night I woke up feeling so much better today. Not 100% but well enough to push out a hambone. I thought at one point today that Joshua was going to get a baby sister for his birthday. We were at the Rat Palace and I was getting some good contractions going right on top of each other and then nothing. It's Luke all over again. I'd be fine if what I consider real labor only lasts 30 minutes like it did with him. My favorite midwife starts baby duty Thanksgiving morning so I'd like to keep this stinker in till then. Something about having a believer deliver your baby that makes it truly great.

PS 68:
This psalm is really pretty. Lots of strong imagery that I really enjoyed. There's too much to really be able to tackle but beautiful Psalm none the less. This verse resonated with me the most.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. (Psalm 68:5 NIV)

One of the greatest joys I've stumbled across in this 365 Experiment has been to truly know what this verse means. For a long time I'd hear this verse and desperately wonder how God could possibly fill the void I felt my entire life for a father. It didn't seem possible that a heavenly father could possibly fill that ache for love and affection that I missed out on growing up. It's not like I could hop up in God's lap and have him stroke my hair. I don't know exactly how it happened or what's changed but I now know what it is like to run and jump into my Father's lap. Beyond thankful!

It's interesting running into this verse now as I've been pondering something my counselor in high school once said to me. I can't remember word for word what he said but basically it was that it was okay if I desired for my stepdad to be a father to me. Of course in my stubborn strong self reliant exterior my answer was heck no! I haven't moved much on my stance but I'm sure there is digging to be done in this area. There is a desire that he would have been a different person but there was nothing about who he was that made me ever desire that kind of relationship with him. Fear of him was so deeply entrenched from the get go that I think there was never any room for such desire. Confident there is still work that needs to be done in this area but thankful for the beautiful story of healing and redemption that God is weaving in my life.

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DAY 481: PS 67

2011-11-16T15:58:00.001-06:00

Feeling like a big fat whiney baby. Caught some kid funk that is attacking the region from the top of my head down to the bottom of my neck. Thankful to knock out this minor irritation and funk before Bella gets here. Still can't believe we're about to have another baby.

Lots of things of things churning around in my clogged head. Can't think clearly enough to separate them out and write anything coherent about any of it. A sweet little boy has decided to curl up in my lap and that's not helping one bit.

PS 67:
Vs 1:
May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine on us— (Psalm 67:1 NIV

Heard this a lot growing up. It always brought so much joy. I think the reason for the joy was that it meant church was finally over. I know this became true the older I got and some of the stories of the people who attended I was aware of, my own families story included. Everything was very pretty on Sunday but there lacked a faith that spread into the other six days of the week. Jesus was only good enough for Sunday's. Clearly not an inspiring faith.

Vs 2:
so that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations. (Psalm 67:2 NIV)

I love the heart of this Psalmist. May our lives as believers reflect the Creator of all. I desire this as well. If its through blessing, awesomeness, but if it's how we respond in the midst of walking through the valleys than so be it. I'm growing more and more comfortable with the idea of the latter than I've ever been. I tend to forget that I was created to glorify God not the other way around. I often want to throw in stipulations on how I think things should go, as if I'm entitled to a life of comfort and ease. In my flesh, I'm always going to want to walk the path of least resistance.

Vs 6:
The land yields its harvest;
God, our God, blesses us. (Psalm 67:6 NIV)

Les and I have talked a little about the beauty of working and tilling the earth. The farmer is totally dependent on God. I love the glimpses I see of this on Ann Voskamp's blog. The giving thanks for what has been produced from the ground. How awesome to see the illustration of how God is the only one who can make things truly grow. It's beautiful.

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DAY 480: 1 TIM 5

2011-11-15T20:33:00.001-06:00

Thought there might be a possibility of it being game on this afternoon. Completely not ready to have a baby this week. Looking like this kid is going to pull a Luke. Thats totally fine because I refuse to push out a baby till the kid funk I caught is gone.

1 TIM 5:
Head is clogged and throat on fire so my brain is not processing much at all. At first glance the stuff on widows is like whu, whu, WHAT!? Then as I read on it made total and complete sense. The only thing that seems to be lacking is the case where a widow has young children. I am guessing that community was a huge factor and if a single widowed momma had to work her kids could come with her or somebody in the community would gladly help out in this area. Should read up on this more but unfortunately not motivated enough to do so.

I really like the last two verses of the chapter.

Vs 24&25
The sins of some are obvious, reaching the place of judgment ahead of them; the sins of others trail behind them. In the same way, good deeds are obvious, and even those that are not obvious cannot remain hidden forever. (1 Timothy 5:24, 25 NIV)

This is just greatness. Good or bad eventually all things will be brought out into the light. I think the sins that trail behind us are the trickiest of them all. Either we hide them on purpose or we are unaware that are hearts are deceitful. I pray that God would continue to search my heart and reveal the areas of my life where sin trails behind me. Thankful that He is ever faithful to do this out of His love for us and that He is gentle and kind not to ambush us with everything at once.

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DAY 479: PSALM 66

2011-11-14T21:17:00.001-06:00

Les has guesstimated that our 2011 Model will be arriving in the next 5-7 days. He's seen the craziness that is brewing before so I'd say he just might be onto something. I've been eyeing the calendar and coming up with what I think would be the most optimal days to give birth. We'll see if my plan comes together. Throat getting more painful by the hour so hoping we're more like 7-9 days away.

PS 66:
Vs 3:
Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power
that your enemies cringe before you. (Psalm 66:3 NIV84)

Love this! Great reminder that as believers there truly is nothing we should ever fear. Nothing is too big for God to handle and He's known about everything before time ever began.

This verses reminds me of Romans 8:31. I find much comfort in this knowledge.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31 NIV84)

Vs 5:
Come and see what God has done,
how awesome his works in man's behalf! (Psalm 66:5 NIV84)

I do get fired up about what God has done in my life and the lives of others BUT there is a lot of work that needs to be done in this area. Come and see what God has done neighbor! Come and see cashier, waiter, friend who doesn't know Christ, ect. The come and see should frankly be louder than my insecurity, fear, sense of inadequacy, ect . Come and see that God is better than anything you could imagine!

Vs 16-20 is greatness. In verse 15 David tells believers to listen to what God has done in his life. Story is such a compelling thing. I love people's story. It's in a person's story that you truly can understand them and why they are who they are today. This verse leads into David telling of how he cried out to God yet he still praised God. The Lord was gracious to hear David's cries because of his willingness to confess his sin and turn away from it. I used to be the lukewarm who ran in the opposite direction of God yet would cry out when I was in need of help. That's not much of a relationship. God wasn't missing out but I was missing out like crazy. I refused to come and see. When I finally stopped being foolish long enough to come and see, it's been wonders of wonders.

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DAY 478: PS 65

2011-11-13T22:23:00.001-06:00

Call it foolish or not but got caught up on more than is probably needed to know on the Sandusky case. Crazy heartbreaking for so many reasons. The boys stories of being groomed hit close to home. It's these experiences that are so easy to minimize and shrug off as nothing but have the same power to shatter internal compasses. It's when people are present or know what's happening and nothing is done that flips everything upside down. Oh how Satan does his bidding to try to completely crush and destroy the beauty God had intended.

PS 65:
No turmoil present in this in this Psalm. It's simply a psalm to boast and give thanksgiving for how awesome God is. These two verses stuck out to me the most.

Vs 3&4:
When we were overwhelmed by sins,
you forgave our transgressions.

Blessed are those you choose
and bring near to live in your courts!
We are filled with the good things of your house, of your holy temple. (Psalm 65:3, 4 NIV84)

When we were overwhelmed by sin you forgave. Thank you Jesus for bearing the weight of our sin! I've called Sandusky and the people surrounding his sin lots of foul names over the last several days. I want to separate myself far away from his evil atrocities but the truth is I can't. I too turned my back to God and was overwhelmed by my own sin. Even then, caught up in the thick chocking blackness of my sin Christ died to forgive and cleanse me from all my transgressions. There are no words to describe that kind of crazy love.

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DAY 477: PS 64

2011-11-12T21:56:00.001-06:00

Saw a picture of a wedding Les and I were supposed to go to and it made me want to kick myself and cry all at the same time. There is something so beautiful to the beginning of a new family. Love me a wedding and the news of a new baby, especially that first one. God set beautiful right in the middle of the union of a man and a wife. On another note my hormones are off the chart ridiculous. I feel pretty gross and on top of that I feel like a crazy lady waiting to yell or cry at any moment. I remember just loosing it with Les when I was pregnant with Abbie over the craziest things. Not too far off right now either.

PS 64:
Vs 1:
Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. (Psalm 64:1 NIV84)

I love this. Hear me God as I lodge my complaint. I love how David never held back from God. He was always honest about how he felt. He was able to turn his hurt, frustration, disappointment back to trusting God and praising Him despite the circumstances. This is the key to always turn it back to praise; trusting that God has a reason for all things. I feel like I've had a good butt kicking this pregnancy. Even in the butt kicking I've really had it easier than a lot of people. I'm thankful that it hasn't been easy.

Vs 3:
They sharpen their tongues like swords
and aim their words like deadly arrows. (Psalm 64:3 NIV84)

Ouch! Another great reminder about the tongue and how hurtful it can be.

Vs 10:
Let the righteous rejoice in the Lord
and take refuge in him;
let all the upright in heart praise him! (Psalm 64:10 NIV84)

Once again David keeps his focus on God and puts his trust and his hope there.

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DAY 476: PS 63

2011-11-11T22:33:00.001-06:00

BrownTown had been seriously missing some fun. Didn't realize it had been desperately missing until it slapped us upside the head tonight . My hubster can take something like making a Jesse/Thanksgiving Tree which is fun in itself into something that is completely awesome. One moment we're cutting leaves and the next moment we're all wearing mustaches. Thankful beyond words for the blessing of Les and for the reminder that BrownTown needs and thrives on complete and utter silliness.

Got a good chunk of time today out of the house sans kiddos. Again had no idea how much that was needed. Came home head over heels in love with those kiddos. Generally I love spending our time together as a family when Les is off but I need to remember a break every so often can actually help me to be a better momma. Starting to want to nest which shows up in cooky ways. I don't know what the deal is with baby girls but with Abbie and with this baby my obsession has been a piece of furniture. I know this time it's completely silly especially since Abbie and Bella won't be in the same room for awhile but I can't get the thought of it out of my mind.

Today one of the speakers at BB just so happened to have an adopted son. One look at the picture of their family and I could have cried buckets. I really wasn't expecting this crazy longing for Baby E right now. Even if we were still moving on the wait list at Gladney we'd still would have had Bella before bringing our son home. Praying through whether or not to write Gladney about all of this. It won't change anything BUT maybe it might help them understand that their reasoning for their policy actually creates much grief. It's so weird to be expecting a baby and yet still have a heart longing and aching for a child.

PS 63:
This psalm is so beautiful. I pray that this kind of hunger and yearning for God would develop in my own heart. Reading this psalm was a little difficult because I know two songs set to the words. Trying to read it was like the dueling banjos. This psalm will always remind me of being in labor with Luke. The song Psalm 63 is on a Passion CD that we have and after they broke my water and it felt like I was being ripped in half all I wanted to do was listen to this CD. Unfortunately, technology failed me for his birth but this is such a sweet Psalm that I can pray over my lion cub.

Vs 1:
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1 NIV84)

It can really feel this way sometimes. This land feels dry and weary and the thought of raising kids in it can seem overwhelming at times. Everything in this world screams the opposite of what I want to instill in my kiddos lives. I pray as my kids grow older they would earnestly seek for truth and desire and long for God to be their God.

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